Most embarrassing place you've ever farted?

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ChiTownBuffalo said:
I'm guessing British and referring to South Asians.

Because we all know East Asian cooking smells like ambrosia. This is because the disgusting shit, we tend to eat raw.
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WorriedCitizen said:
I too have asians living in my house and i swear sometimes when they cook it smells like rotten cheese feet even in my apartement. Don't know what they are cooking there but it must be an aquired taste for them.

When i moved in here i even thought it was my own stinky sweat from my towels.
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Well...but...I mean, why are there Asians living in your/their house? I just imagine a large Asian family invading your home and setting up shop. :lol Is it like a communal thing? Is it like a boarding house?
 
Lots of embarrassing farts here amplified by hard wood seats. Don't you just hate it when you find a nice secluded place in a store/whatever to let one rip.. you think you're alone and the area should stay clear for the odor to dissipate.. just to have someone walk around the corner 5s after you let it out and walk right through the putrid smell?
 
Just the other day I was sitting here in my cube and, thinking the coast was clear, blasted out this nasty beast of a fart that had been boiling up for awhile. Sure enough, not five seconds after that one of the HR ladies walks in (and she's attractive, which only adds to the awkwardness) along with two new hires who were checking on some access I was setting up for them. Needless to say, the fallout hadn't quite reached its half-life and I could kind of tell she was wincing abit but being polite about it it, all while I was trying to decide if I should make a comment along the lines of "I promise, I don't normally smell like this."

She's been in since and hasn't said anything, but really, what could you say about a horrible thing like that?
 
When I was a lot younger, I would sit on the floor of my bedroom and play video games in the morning. One Sunday morning I was really letting them rip and it would just have this crazy ripple effect off the floor. The living room happens to be directly under my bedroom and my mom was sitting in the chair watching tv. She kept hearing strange noises through the ceiling and was having a difficult time figuring out what it was. It was so loud she actually went outside to check because she thought our neighbor was firing up his snow blower :lol That story gets brought up way too often at family gatherings.
 
Alucrid said:
Well...but...I mean, why are there Asians living in your/their house? I just imagine a large Asian family invading your home and setting up shop. :lol Is it like a communal thing? Is it like a boarding house?
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We live in the city center. These are old houses and each has multiple appartements. "my house" usualy refers to the place where i live. Doesn't mean i own the place.

Oh and i'm talking about Chinese and Vietnamese neighbors. I was just thinking maybe the food that so stinks could be something that is fermented. Do they eat such stuff in these parts of the world?
 
More stories:

When I went in for a physical (required for 9th grade football), the doctor had me lie flat on my back in just my underwear. He told me that he was going to feel to see if my lungs had any issues. Then he put one hand over the other and pushed down on my lower abdomen, literally forcing an aggressive sounding PHWUMP! out of my ass. He just continued with his inspection as normal, but I had to contain my laughter for the remainder of the medical exam.

Also, one time on the bus to school in 3rd grade I sharted myself. I didn't know what to do about it, so I just went the whole school day with a steamy, creamy log in my shorts. Worst of all, my teacher decided on that day to have us play a game that required us to run around our classroom in circles for five minutes.

Yeah, sharting takes the embarrassment of farting to a whole 'nother level.
 
FINE-LINE said:
Me and my gf Emma were riding the eurostar over to Paris from London.
In our cabin were about 20 young Japanese students, there could have been more it seemed like hundreds all yapping away and such.
Anyway, Em and I were trying to take a nap and I was reaching the point of sleep were you loose bodily control when *FART*. It was loud enough not only to wake Emma up but all of the students in the cabin turned dead quiet.
Emma was looking at me mortified.
I said the first thing I thought of: 'Emma! There's a frog on this train!'
It made her laugh and then the students did too. It was embarrassing at the time but now I can just laugh at it.
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:lol great one.
 
Once I was at the supermarket by myself, browsing the chocolate isle for some sweet candy goodness, and my stomach decided to unload itself into my bowel. I still had a couple of things to get before leaving, so I figured I'd just clench and hold my diarrhea tsunami until my shopping was finished.

To lighten the load I decided to safety fart; the careful release of intensely pressurised methane without opening the valve too wide and letting the flood flow through. I did this while I was still in the chocolate isle and man was it putrid. It was the most rank stench imaginable, stinging the nostrils. I could taste it with my nose.

I was the only one in the now hotboxed isle, so I made a quick getaway to pick up a few goods on the other side of the supermarket. I realised I still needed to get something from that isle, my last of the goods, and upon return realised it still smelt. Like a fine wine it had lingered, aging and improving its stench, a shitty resedue having now settled on all surfaces.

There was this kid happily browsing the chocolate isle. Probably seven or eight years old. I dont know. He didn't seem to notice the stench, a big smile on his face as he dug through sugary treets. As I collected my goods with haste, a woman walked past the child, her face grimacing at the overwhelming stench that still dominated the isle, look at the kid with disgust, then turned to me and shook her head.

Sometimes I wonder where that kid is in life.
 
WorriedCitizen said:
We live in the city center. These are old houses and each has multiple appartements. "my house" usualy refers to the place where i live. Doesn't mean i own the place.

Oh and i'm talking about Chinese and Vietnamese neighbors. I was just thinking maybe the food that so stinks could be something that is fermented. Do they eat such stuff in these parts of the world?
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Oh, apartments. Okay, I got ya now. :lol
 
A long time ago my girlfriend at the time--now my wife!--was riding me on the basement floor at my house (it was carpeted). I didn't feel it coming on but I let out this massively loud and painfully long fart. Underneath the carpet is concrete so it was amplified even more. There was a pause then she started laughing hysterically. Then we got right back on with our business. That's when I knew she was the one for me :lol

Another juvenile story: we were riding in a taxi on a very cold night so the back windows were fogged up. So, what is my first thought? To draw a massive cock on the window. I poke my wife so she can examine my artistic masterpiece and she yells out "why did you draw a huge mushroom on the window?" I couldn't stop laughing :lol Not sure what the taxi cab driver thought.
 
This wasn't really embarassing as hilarious for me, but once I was in an elevator with my friend and this little black girl and I let a silent stank go and the kid said "ugggh, thats trifling!"
 
Funny story I remember reading years ago... Not necessarily about farts but kinda relevant...

Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble s**tting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic s**t- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky s**t/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own s**t blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
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WorriedCitizen said:
We live in the city center. These are old houses and each has multiple appartements. "my house" usualy refers to the place where i live. Doesn't mean i own the place.

Oh and i'm talking about Chinese and Vietnamese neighbors. I was just thinking maybe the food that so stinks could be something that is fermented. Do they eat such stuff in these parts of the world?
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Yes. Yes they do. Fermented fish bits turned into a sauce. Various fermented veggies.

Asia is big on fermented/pickled stuff.
 
DennisK4 said:
Some people are into that sort of thing....
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Those people are crazy. When your nose is an inch away from the active arsehole in question, it's like being blasted by a methane powered sulphur-cannon. Not pleasant.

MooSeePoo said:
Funny story I remember reading years ago... Not necessarily about farts but kinda relevant...
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Oh jeez, I can verify this. Shaving my ass smooth was a really bad idea. The 'squeaky cheeks' phenomenon that the author mentions is horrible.
 
I don't even know how one would go about shaving his/her own ass. Do you just reach back there with a razor and start swiping blindly, or do you hover over a mirror with your asscheeks spread wide?
 
I've managed to be pretty controlled about my flatulence. The only one I can remember was from a year ago or so, when I was doing a late-night Wal-Mart run for some munchies. I was in an isle that was empty when I walked into it, scouting out snack chips. And I really had to let loose, and, thinking I was alone, did, and it was spectacular in every way. After, I said, out loud, "wow, that was amazing." And it was!

I turn and there's three teenage girls standing about 15 feet from me, at the end of the isle, an identical expression of abject horror on their faces. I turn and exit the isle the opposite way and avoid them the rest of the snack run.
 
Also, I wouldn't really say this is embarrassing either since I did it on purpose, but I used to go to the movies with my friend, oftentimes after getting mexican food. we would get a seat at the front of one of stadium seating that had bars in front of it so that you wouldn't fall over the step. I would put my feet up on that from my seat and try and try and save the farts up to where when there was a quiet part in the movie I would attempt to rip the loudest fart I could. We thought it was pretty funny at the time.
 
chris121580 said:
When I was a lot younger, I would sit on the floor of my bedroom and play video games in the morning. One Sunday morning I was really letting them rip and it would just have this crazy ripple effect off the floor. The living room happens to be directly under my bedroom and my mom was sitting in the chair watching tv. She kept hearing strange noises through the ceiling and was having a difficult time figuring out what it was. It was so loud she actually went outside to check because she thought our neighbor was firing up his snow blower :lol That story gets brought up way too often at family gatherings.
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I lolled for ages :lol :lol :lol
 
ScOULaris said:
I don't even know how one would go about shaving his/her own ass. Do you just reach back there with a razor and start swiping blindly, or do you hover over a mirror with your asscheeks spread wide?
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Well, I used a hair removal cream (Veet? Nair?) but the end result was exactly the same. Squeaky.
 
SmokyDave said:
Oh jeez, I can verify this. Shaving my ass smooth was a really bad idea. The 'squeaky cheeks' phenomenon that the author mentions is horrible.
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Much worse is the stubble in my opinion. I wonder how you're supposed to deal with hairs down there so that there's no stubble, but haven't found a good solution yet.
 
In a subway car.

I was listening to my MP3 player and was feeling extremely gassy (damn corner halal!). Normally, my farts are silent (and yes, deadly) so I thought it wouldn't be a big deal to let 'em rip... so I do just that. Afterwards, I look up and damn near the entire car was looking at me. So, I did what everyone in that position would do: I got off on the next stop.

The thing that still gets me about that time is that these subway cars are far from quiet - I must have ripped some ear-shattering ones to get the attention of everyone in there.
 
SmokyDave said:
Oh jeez, I can verify this. Shaving my ass smooth was a really bad idea. The 'squeaky cheeks' phenomenon that the author mentions is horrible.
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I've never experienced this. My ass breathes free with no problems.
 
MooSeePoo said:
Funny story I remember reading years ago... Not necessarily about farts but kinda relevant...
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I shaved my ass hair and I had almost none of these problems. I actually found it quite pleasant, I'm just too lazy to keep with it.
 
When you eat bran and beans almost daily you really release HUGE & Smelly farts. Well I just happened to be in a very quiet chapters and I accidentally let one rip. There were a bunch of people there so I booked it.
 
eternal prize said:
When you eat bran and beans almost daily you really release HUGE & Smelly farts. Well I just happened to be in a very quiet chapters and I accidentally let one rip. There were a bunch of people there so I booked it.
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*squints* then why did you keep doing it...?
 
Gym. I did a squat and let one rip. Three guys noticed and I told them, "You should be thankful it ain't a silent but deadly." They laughed and I continued on.
 
Isn't it amazing how something that everyone in existence does multiple times a day can cause so much embarrassment?

If you get caught farting in public, people look at you like a pariah, as if to say, "I can't believe that you just did that! How could you do such an unspeakable thing? Never in my life... etc."

It's also an interesting phenomenon because farts are pretty much funny to everyone, even without context. A baby will laugh at its own farts, as will a 90-year-old man. Treating farts like an unacceptable behavior is truly an odd social construct.
 
I had a McDonald's Milk Shake before my presentation. Gave me the worst case of Diarrhea, went to the washroom but they had no toilet paper so I use the cloth inside my tie. All said and done I went to my presentation slowly release fumes in 5 min intervals. Good thing the room was well ventilated.
 
ScOULaris said:
Isn't it amazing how something that everyone in existence does multiple times a day can cause so much embarrassment?
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Speak for yourself there buddy. I fart a few times a week if I eat like I usually try to, and I'm good.
 
I think that I am cursed that every single time I let a mean one rip in my office someone comes in to speak with me about something. Then it's that super awkward, "I hope they don't smell it but I know they do" feeling.
 
P.E. class in elementary school. We were doing our daily warm up exercises. It was some yoga-like move with "kiss" in the name. We pushed our heads back and tried to touch our feet to it or something.

Anyways, the room was quiet because you had to hold the position and I let out this huge roaring fart making 20+ people laugh.
 
A few weeks ago when I was in a conference room all day, every day with some co-workers when we were all on a project. We're all doing our work on our laptops and most of us have on headphones and are listening to something to fight the boredom. I have mine on and feel a fart coming on so I gently lift myself off the wooden chair and try to let it rip silently. Through my headphones I hear that it's not silent. I looked around nervously to see if anyone noticed, and I laughed to myself but nobody made eye contact with me. That was pretty embarrassing.

The other is meeting what would be my future in-laws and taking a car ride with them and my wife somewhere and letting a massive fart rip during the trip. I tried to play it off by asking what the music was on the radio and we all busted out laughing. Talk about a first impression.
 
I usually try to avoid farting in public. The worst is when you're in a line at a restaurant and you know a fart is coming and you're trying to hold it inside.

Does not feel good man.
 
My worst was 8th grade. Doing situps while a girl that my best friend was in love with was holding my feet. We just looked at each other and walked away.

The BEST was in 5th grade. The whole class was quietly working on something and one managed to escape. Everyone looked up at me and I just cooly pointed at my best friend sitting next to me. Hes still upset to this day about it.

Its amazing that I'm still friends with these people. :lol
 
BobsRevenge said:
Speak for yourself there buddy. I fart a few times a week if I eat like I usually try to, and I'm good.
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You're post kinda reaffirms his point. Why are you so ashamed?!

oh, and you probably fart in your sleep if you don't fart daily.
 
Fell asleep in math class in high school. Farted in my sleep so loud I woke myself up. Look around with the whole class just looking at me like WTF :lol


Nowadays as a grown man I fart in grocery aisles, bail out, then watch as unsuspecting shoppers wade their way into the funk.
 
SmokyDave said:
I have farted whilst receiving oral sex and I have been farted on (at?) whilst giving oral sex. The first was hilarious and the second was disgusting, undignified and inconsiderate.


I lost it here.
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Same shit happened to me.
 
soundahfekz said:
Nowadays as a grown man I fart in grocery aisles, bail out, then watch as unsuspecting shoppers wade their way into the funk.
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I work at a grocery store as a cashier. One of my buddies who works there too farts all the time while on register, leaving the lane behind him enveloped in shit-stink.

One time after he farted, a lady in the lane behind him sniffed, looked around, and then picked up her baby and smelled it's diaper. She looked at her husband and shook her head.
 
Farting on the run is the best... especially at work/hallways, etc. If only I had glasses similar to the ones Arnold has in True Lies to see people behind me experience my festering stink.
 
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