Gospel Gossip with Stro: Whattamark
Almost everything is exactly the same as Matthew, with some minor stuff about Jesus talking about various laws cut out. There were two endings added after the fact. One of which is had Jesus get really pissy with the 11 remaining disciples for not believing people who said he had risen, and then saying those who believe will be able to: expel Damon Kanes, speak in new tongues, be able to handle poisonous snakes, drink poison with no harm, and heal the sick.
______________________________________________________________________
Luke Harper
Gabe came down and told Zechariah he'd have a dope son named John who'd go on to do some rad shit for Jews. Zech was confused at how he and his old ass wife could have a baby. So Zech decided Zech would be a mute until John was born and Zech couldn't do his ministry stuff for a while.
Recap of how Mary was born. Gabe will come upon you. That's not how babies are born, Gabe.
When Zech's wife Liz had the baby, she named him John. People around were shocked because the baby wasn't named after Zech. When Zech said the kid would be named John, they were even more shocked, apparently because the man didn't over rule his wife. Also because he could finally talk again. And then he wouldn't shut the fuck up. This baby was John the Baptist, which seems weird to me. Going by Matthew and Mark, it sounded to me like he was at least like...a generation if not more older than Jesus. But they were just a few months apart.
Mary had the baby. Put that sumbitch away in a manger because there was no room in the inn. Just then, Gabe came back and brought a ton of friends for the party. A lot of praise was had and whatnot. And news traveled fast because it got around to shepherds and smart guys all around somehow.
The Kristophersons would head to Jerusalem every year for Passover. Well, at 12, Jesus stayed behind. Ma and Pa thought he was in the mini-van with them, but he wasn't. Naturally, they got all scared and huffy and went back to find him. He had been in the temple for 3 days, learning and understanding stuff. He didn't understand where the hell else they thought he would be. They didn't understand what he meant.
Fuck, this time the family line goes all the way back to God himself, from Adam down to Joseph. BUT HE ISN'T JOSEPH'S BLOOD. Come on, Luke. Shit. Get your facts straight you mother fucker. But if you want to go by this line, in the family are Seth, Jarod, Enoch, Methuselah, Noah, Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Judah, David, the other Joseph, Levi, the other Levi, and then Joseph. With like 40 other people in the line. But those are the ones you've probably heard of at some point.
Jesus had a promo go south on him and got booed out of the building.
Jesus fucking hates lawyers. If there is one thing he hates, it is definitely lawyers.
Like Moses, Jesus seems to be always in a simmering state of annoyance towards the Jews, and at times seems to prefer and be more impressed with Gentiles, even though the Jews are his main group of people to save.
According to Luke, Judas was possessed by Satan when he betrayed Jesus. I'm going to take this literally because it is more fun that way. It also appears Judas sealed it with a hug and a kisth, daddeh.
Both Herod and Pilate wanted to release Jesus, thinking he hadn't really done anything to be killed for. But those god damn indie fans always want blood.
Jesus takes his three day nap and whatnot. Meets up with some folks and lets them in on the secret. Then he shows up to the disciples and asks if they have anything good to eat. Dying and resurrecting gives you the munchies, man.
______________________________________________________________________
John Sina
Word (is) Life, yo.
Law was given through Moses, but the Truth came through Jesus.
Homeboy turned water into wine at a wedding.
At a temple in Jerusalem, Jesus found people selling and doing business inside. So he made a whip out of cords and REKT FOOLS. Knocked the shit out of them, threw everyone out, even the animals being sold, and had the whole building destroyed. It would be rebuilt in 3 days. He wasn't talking about the building, though. METAPHORS ALL UP IN THIS MUG!
Cena 3:16 says NEVER GIVE UP
Jesus is a loaf of bread.
Possibly also the Slim Jim guy
People bitch about Jesus healing people on the Sabbath, while being totally cool with doing circumcisions on the Sabbath. You can cut parts off, but not make someone whole? This is one of the many arguments Jesus makes for doing shit on the Sabbath, usually related to something like, "does a shepherd not chase after a lost lamb even on the Sabbath" type stuff, because sometimes the bible is as subtle as a Chris Nolan movie. Also, circumcision actually came from before Moses. Possibly started with the angels.
Jesus cut a scathing promo on the Jews, calling them fat ass half breeds that were not the children of Sarah and Abraham, but of the Devil. If they were truly the children of Sarah and Abe, they would know Jesus is THE MAN. Instead, they are the children of the shitty generation that Moses had to deal with and God let die off before getting to see any cool shit. So they started throwing shit at him.
Lazarus is about to die. His sisters want Jesus to come save him, but Jesus doesn't do so. After Laz dies, the sisters blame him for inaction and their sadness makes him really sad, so he brings Laz back to life. And from that point on, he had to do all of his healing and preaching in secrecy, because that was the last straw for the fuzz that wanted to get rid of him anyway.
One of his disciples would only believe Jesus was risen if he put his finger in the nail holes and put his hand inside the spear would. So Jesus showed up later and got fingered.
The book ends on saying Jesus did so much cool shit that the world itself couldn't even hold all the books it would take to write them all down.
John is pretty much Jesus' Attitude Era. Also it is interesting to me that the start sounds like something straight out of Hinduism/Buddhism. The first 14 verses sound an awful lot like a description of the concept of Brahman to me.