At around a quarter to seven PM, I took about two grams of psilocybe cubensis mushrooms with another redditor at an undisclosed location. We then took the #135 bus deep into east Vancouver to see WWE live at the Agrodome.
When I bought my tickets, my plan was to invite a random from OKCupid to come with me as a date because I thought it would be hilarious and awkward and a really great way to freak out a 'normal'. Those plans fell through at the last minute, specifically when the random clued in that I was trying to take them to wrestling, so I turned to my friend who's not a fan of wrestling and asked if he would like to take drugs and go see WWE with me.
'That sounds like the premise for a VICE article,' he said. I agreed and we both decided that it would be a really good idea and totally not at all irresponsible or dangerous. I spent the afternoon prepping him, mostly by watching Big E. Langston's Instagram videos.
The effects hit me strong when we get off the bus at Hastings and Renfrew. The mild stomach discomfort becomes a peculiar warm and cuddly sensation all over my body. We are both giggling as we walk towards the searchlights in the distance.
When we get into the arena, the opening match is already in progress and literally everyone in the arena is chanting 'Axel sucks.' We can't figure out how to get to the floor and end up walking up and down the stairs several times before we find our seats. I see an elderly Indian woman in a John Cena t-shirt and my eyes start watering for some reason.
Xavier Woods enters the ring wearing a sparkly jacket. His entrance video looks like an animated gif image. He becomes my favourite wrestler. During the match, I experience severe time dilation as Hunico gives him a backdrop and then puts him in a chinlock again and again. I feel as though the match is stuck in an infinite loop and Hunico will continue to backdrop Xavier Woods forever. They do this spot for what feels like five or six times before Xavier finally backflips out of it and takes Hunico to the woodshed. Someone behind me yells that Xavier Woods looks like Richard Pryor and I spend a lot of time thinking about whether that was racist or not, considering he doesn't.
There is a divas match. I am looking at AJ standing on the apron and it strikes me how before these people were characters on a TV show, electron pulses on a screen, and now I can see the light reflecting off AJ's midriff and I can see the texture of her skin in infinitesimal detail down to the pores. Tamina doesn't tag her in. I count AJ's ribs.
I look over at my friend and he is slowly waving his hand in front of his face and at first I think he is doing the Cena thing but then I realize he is also really high.
During Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton's match, Daniel elbows Orton in the face so hard that, swear to god, a bloody tooth flies out of his mouth. I feel like these two could wrestle eachother again and again for the next thousand years and it would never not be amazing. Orton does so many little things in the ring that are so perfect that you really have to watch him closely to pick up on, and it kills me that I have to boo him on principle because he's so good but Daniel Bryan is from the Pacific Northwest and weird looking and therefore My Guy.
I yell 'dishonourable discharge' at Orton when he's near my corner but he doesn't hear me.
Any time anyone goes on the microphone, all I can hear is 'womp womp womp womp womp womp.' Tony Chimel goes on the microphone and says 'womp womp womp womp womp fifteen minute intermission.'
I go to buy a Fandango t-shirt but they don't have any.
It is when Los Matadores come out around nine o'clock that I realize I am peaking. El Torito comes out and I begin screaming. I have never been as excited by anything in my life. I cannot put into words the elation I am experiencing watching him run down the rampway. I feel as though millions of years of human evolution and history have led to me being here, watching a small man in a bull costume jump on the ropes and wave at people. I start tearing up again and try to start an El Torito chant, but then 3MB comes out and all the brown kids freak out over Jinder Mahal. He has never, ever been more over than he was tonight.
My friend is disappointed that there are no other mini wrestlers to fight El Torito, but I say it was enough just to be blessed by his presence.
Fandango comes out. He is wearing a purple satin shirt, which I begin wilding out over, but not as hard as I was wilding for El Torito. Great Khali comes out and again the crowd goes crazy, but I am staring at Fandango as he teases taking off the satin shirt. I am losing my mind. Finally he takes off the shirt and the light hits his abs. I swear to god Fandango's body is sparkling, glowing. His abs are crystalline. I almost start crying for a third time because his body is so fucking beautiful. We make eye contact and I become bonded to him in eternity.
'His face is shaped like a Pringle,' my friend says of Great Khali.
Fandango gets on the microphone. 'Vancouver womp womp womp womp womp dance,' he says. Fandango is a really great wrestler because his selling can actually create the illusion of Khali moving around.
The main event is CM Punk vs. Luke Harper. CM Punk is my favourite wrestler and the entire arena is chanting his name but I am already exhausted because I have marked out so severely and completely over Fandango's shirt and El Torito.
CM Punk gets on the microphone. 'Womp womp Vancouver womp womp womp womp womp,' he says. Everyone goes home happy. I feel emotionally and physically depleted. I get on the bus and go straight back downtown to eat a triple cheeseburger at A&W.
It was delicious.
