twinturbo2
butthurt Heat fan
I found a bunch of girls I like on OKCupid, I'm going to take some time to write a message since a few of them read responses selectively.
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Online Dating |OT| Please Respond
- Thread starter Jhoan
- Start date
ClosingADoor
Member
Everyone replies selectively, it doesn't mean anything. Don't sent too large messages, just a few sentences. Don't have to think about it long, just write what comes up right after you viewed the profile. And then don't think about it anymore since most messages won't get a reply. Good luck!
twinturbo2
butthurt Heat fan
Would it be worth paying for the premium features so I can at least get a read receipt?
No. They didn't care for you or your message if they didn't respond.
And you can see who liked you by looking at the page source.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
I'm going to quibble with this (again). First, it's true that everyone exercises discrimination in replying -- you're right that it means nothing. And second, I wholeheartedly agree with not worrying after hitting "send." But I absolutely cannot endorse sending "just a few sentences." Nor do I advocate for the converse, which is sending a novella. The point is this:
I'm going to assume that most people on GAF and using OKC are like me, which is that we consider intelligence a desirable factor in dating. Most girls receive a ton of messages each day. Of that ton of messages, 98% of it is liquid diarrhea, spewed from the fingers of lusty, inarticulate men, filled with words, notions, and perverse ideas that might literally shock you. Or bore you to death. (Seriously: I've been on a lot of OKC dates, and we invariably discuss the competition.)
The point is to separate yourself from that competition. And that means approaching selectively. Writing enough to show that: (1) you can write; (2) you've digested more of her profile than simply the pictures; and (3) you've picked up on the hooks left in her profile and left a few in your own -- that accomplishes the mission.
But, YMMV.
Just to add a counter point to this, the OkTrends blogger Christian Rudder wrote a book largely based on data gathered from OkCupid. His findings about tailoring messages versus a template that's sent out to everyone basically unchanged is while tailoring messages garnered a higher response rate, it's not an incredible difference. According to him you can expect a 25% higher response rate, on average, for tailored messages. You could easily argue that if you compare effort to number of responses, it's not worth the effort of tailoring messages.
Gray Matter
Member
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Yes, one can't quibble with raw data, but what's missing from that analysis is several important data points. First, how discriminating was the initial message-blast? (I apparently used OKC very differently from everyone here. How do you choose the 50 girls per day you're planning on messaging?)
Second, what was the quality of the return message? (Was it a decent couple of sentences, or was it a completely empty "hey"?)
Third, what was the likelihood of a conversation progressing to multiple exchanged messages?
I mean, if all you're looking for is getting any response whatsoever, with that little pink "1" on the side of your profile, then sure: this approach works. And I sincerely hope it works well. I don't have access to additional data, but some of this contains a qualitative component.
But now I'm really curious. What do you guys use as your "template?"
Second, what was the quality of the return message? (Was it a decent couple of sentences, or was it a completely empty "hey"?)
Third, what was the likelihood of a conversation progressing to multiple exchanged messages?
I mean, if all you're looking for is getting any response whatsoever, with that little pink "1" on the side of your profile, then sure: this approach works. And I sincerely hope it works well. I don't have access to additional data, but some of this contains a qualitative component.
But now I'm really curious. What do you guys use as your "template?"
Gray Matter
Member
Fucking tinder bots. Go away!
Easystride
Member
So I think I might get back into the online dating scene after a brief hiatus (had a batshit crazy date). Think I might try growing my hair back out. Think that would improve my luck? I've had a buzzcut for several years now. I don't really want to post my pic here, but I would PM it maybe if someone is open to providing feedback.
Gray Matter
Member
Not to say it looks bad on you, but I have never liked the way a buzzcut looks on anyone, so yes on growing your hair.
I just got my first one (since coming back).
I say go for it.
I used to have a buzz cut forever growing up. I grew out my hair 7 or 8 years ago. It did wonders for my confidence. A fresh new style (or change) can help things out.
Did a 5k this morning, asked my little sister to take pics of it for the ole' dating profile. See her results...I need to have a sit down with her on basic photography.
Lesson 1) Take hundreds of pics so you can pick the best one. Don't just take two.
Lesson 2) Cranes don't make for good backdrops.
Lesson 3) Light influences focus. Unless it's important, don't make the crane the best lit thing.
Lesson 4) Pics of action are good. It's the difference between "i run" and "I stand around in the shadows of cranes all day"
Going to babysit my seven-year-old nephew next week. Might just set up a tripod, set the camera to rapid-fire, and tell him to hold the button for as long as the camera sees me.
Lesson 1) Take hundreds of pics so you can pick the best one. Don't just take two.
Lesson 2) Cranes don't make for good backdrops.
Lesson 3) Light influences focus. Unless it's important, don't make the crane the best lit thing.
Lesson 4) Pics of action are good. It's the difference between "i run" and "I stand around in the shadows of cranes all day"
Going to babysit my seven-year-old nephew next week. Might just set up a tripod, set the camera to rapid-fire, and tell him to hold the button for as long as the camera sees me.
stn
Member
Feel free to PM me if you want, I can tell you what I think would work best.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Read receipt is the dumbest thing ever. I don't know why anyone uses it. If they wanted to respond they will, if not they won't. Getting yourself emotional over whether they read it but didn't respond is dumb as hell.
As long as it was in the toilet, you will be fine. Wash your mouth and pop a mint.
D:, what happened? Just sick or something else?
Gray Matter
Member
Wait, what? I thought the date was for next Saturday?
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Totally read that as poop a mint.
I don't use OKC anymore, it just isn't popular enough where I live. I also always tailored messages to whomever I was messaging. Just wanted to point out that what you are saying goes against what someone with access to vast quantities of okc data found to be supported by evidence. The point he's making is that your message matters less than you probably think.
The questions he asks isn't answered by the chart at all. Responses are nice...first dates are better. Now if there's a chart showing shotgun message blasts yield more dates, then I'll start sending everyone "What's your spirit animal?"
The biggest question I have here - how may of the messages in each column were sent by ladies? I'll be very surprised if the average OKC guy can expect a 12% response rate with mass-produced crap. Ladies could get away with that though.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Take two identical messages.
One is sent by an attractive person.
One is sent by a less-attractive person.
Which one has a better response rate?
One is sent by an attractive person.
One is sent by a less-attractive person.
Which one has a better response rate?
Wish OKC had more active members in my area (europe).
Recently came out of a 10 month OKC relationship which was initiated by her sending me a message (first message I spontaniously received in 1,5 years on there). She was a 95% match with the most gorgeous looks and numerous shared interests. Felt like a gift from the heavens, even though it turned out to be a poisoned apple (we moved in together after a few months and shortly after she found out she didn't really like me that much while I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with her. Multiple breakups and makeups ensued before she left me quite heartbroken).
Since then have had 1 fun hookup through OKC but other than that it's very slim pickings. Prolly less then 100 active members in my general area and maybe a handful that go above 90% match (each of which I am totally not attracted too).
Feel like I had my one lucky break through OKC catching the one rare fish from a tiny pond. Maybe should start considering other avenues to dating (not Tinder).
Recently came out of a 10 month OKC relationship which was initiated by her sending me a message (first message I spontaniously received in 1,5 years on there). She was a 95% match with the most gorgeous looks and numerous shared interests. Felt like a gift from the heavens, even though it turned out to be a poisoned apple (we moved in together after a few months and shortly after she found out she didn't really like me that much while I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with her. Multiple breakups and makeups ensued before she left me quite heartbroken).
Since then have had 1 fun hookup through OKC but other than that it's very slim pickings. Prolly less then 100 active members in my general area and maybe a handful that go above 90% match (each of which I am totally not attracted too).
Feel like I had my one lucky break through OKC catching the one rare fish from a tiny pond. Maybe should start considering other avenues to dating (not Tinder).
MonorailCat
Member
Thinking about sending a second "after-first-date" text because she ignored the first one.
Would have slapped myself for even thinking that a while ago .. damn, my pride and confidence have really hit rock bottom.
Would have slapped myself for even thinking that a while ago .. damn, my pride and confidence have really hit rock bottom.
I mean, that's, uh, actually quite a big area.
;-)
my specific area in europe of course, just signifying that I'm not from the US where OKC seems to be more popular. Most members in my area are expats/international students (and not enough of them).
edit//
Just found out I had my filter settings bit wrong. Getting more people in my general area now. Still barely anyone that I'm actually interested in
ClosingADoor
Member
I don't think I really do templates. It definitely differs per girl or just my mood. What I meant by just a few sentences is don't get stuck on what to write for too long and don't make it too long. Most success I had is with just a "How was your week?" And then something that I want to know based on the profile. And a "Would love to hear a bit more from you!" Like 5 sentences mostly.
If you think about the message too much I feel it becomes unnatural and too scripted.
I do agree: Don't sent out mass messages with the same questions. At least read the profile and base your message on that.
False Witness
Member
So, I had a pretty great conversation last night that wouldn't have happened if I followed my own rules relatively strictly. I got a message that just said 'Hi' from a girl with a relatively bare-bones profile. I wouldn't have normally replied in an instance like that, but I was kind of bored so I decided to see what kind of conversation I'd get out of it. Surprisingly, the next message I received was several paragraphs long and pretty damned interesting (longer than her entire profile and a lot more entertaining). Ended up talking about a ton of subjects where she had relatively unique opinions.
I let her get the last word in of the night so I could go to sleep, but I'll probably message her back after I get through watching an episode of a show she recommended to me. Who knows when that will be though.
I let her get the last word in of the night so I could go to sleep, but I'll probably message her back after I get through watching an episode of a show she recommended to me. Who knows when that will be though.
User 479360
Banned
Well, it wasn't destined to be. I'm pretty sure I'm going to distance myself from her now. Things ended up being a bit too crazy for me.
Since we were friends and I felt bad about her not having money, I paid the $30 for her piercings. It was a birthday gift, and I'd planned to get her one anyways. I gave it to her last night.
Because she wanted me over there at noon today and I couldn't sleep over tonight, I said I would last night. Invited myself, but she didn't mind because I'm "her best friend." I thought maybe we'd do the deed, but knew she'd definitely want to cuddle. Going in, I knew I wasn't going to explore a normal relationship with her, but also didn't want to use her for sex.
Anyways, almost as soon as I got there, she sat down and told me that she's back with her boyfriend. He's a sugar daddy type, and spoils her, so she's had a hard time shaking feelings for him because of that. She was honest, at least. And, because of that, she just wants to be friends.
She told me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, even though she's in an open relationship, because this guy is a bit of a swinger and purveyor. He says she can be used by any guy for sex and whatnot, but has to film it and send the video to him. So, fuck that. There was no way in Hell that I was going to do that.
Because she didn't have any other friends before me -- outside of one girl -- I stayed there and hung out, but it was really awkward. I didn't want to just leave and be rude, but I didn't want to stay either. I did, though, and we cuddled a bit at night.
She was out of drinks, so I offered to take her to Walmart to get some pop. She said she didn't want me to be buying things for her, because she didn't want to use me, but I said it was fine. After all, it only ended up being a couple of bucks.
I was honest, and told her it's too awkward for me. I can't be her cuddle buddy/friend if that's all there will be to it. She never wants to go out anywhere, so it's unfair to me mentally because I'd get attached, and it's not right.
Apparently I'm too pure for her. She likes being smacked around and used, which I don't want to do to any woman.
It'd been eleven years between sex for me, and we did it twice. Both times lasted a little while, and I've developed a bit of pain (a bruise maybe?) from it. My friend has me worried that it could be an STD, but we used protection and she was checked/fine last week. There's nothing evident going on there that should worry me, but I'm going to go get checked at the free clinic just in case. Apparently she had sex five times last week, with different guys, and I wasn't in the know. I was one of them, though.
Since we were friends and I felt bad about her not having money, I paid the $30 for her piercings. It was a birthday gift, and I'd planned to get her one anyways. I gave it to her last night.
Because she wanted me over there at noon today and I couldn't sleep over tonight, I said I would last night. Invited myself, but she didn't mind because I'm "her best friend." I thought maybe we'd do the deed, but knew she'd definitely want to cuddle. Going in, I knew I wasn't going to explore a normal relationship with her, but also didn't want to use her for sex.
Anyways, almost as soon as I got there, she sat down and told me that she's back with her boyfriend. He's a sugar daddy type, and spoils her, so she's had a hard time shaking feelings for him because of that. She was honest, at least. And, because of that, she just wants to be friends.
She told me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, even though she's in an open relationship, because this guy is a bit of a swinger and purveyor. He says she can be used by any guy for sex and whatnot, but has to film it and send the video to him. So, fuck that. There was no way in Hell that I was going to do that.
Because she didn't have any other friends before me -- outside of one girl -- I stayed there and hung out, but it was really awkward. I didn't want to just leave and be rude, but I didn't want to stay either. I did, though, and we cuddled a bit at night.
She was out of drinks, so I offered to take her to Walmart to get some pop. She said she didn't want me to be buying things for her, because she didn't want to use me, but I said it was fine. After all, it only ended up being a couple of bucks.
I was honest, and told her it's too awkward for me. I can't be her cuddle buddy/friend if that's all there will be to it. She never wants to go out anywhere, so it's unfair to me mentally because I'd get attached, and it's not right.
Apparently I'm too pure for her. She likes being smacked around and used, which I don't want to do to any woman.
It'd been eleven years between sex for me, and we did it twice. Both times lasted a little while, and I've developed a bit of pain (a bruise maybe?) from it. My friend has me worried that it could be an STD, but we used protection and she was checked/fine last week. There's nothing evident going on there that should worry me, but I'm going to go get checked at the free clinic just in case. Apparently she had sex five times last week, with different guys, and I wasn't in the know. I was one of them, though.
So I had a date yesterday with the girl who canceled on Saturday. I just hit her up early asking if she was free and she was super down. We met up at this cool little bar called Harlem Public, the plan with to get some food at Dinosaur BBQ afterward but once we got to the forth round or so she suggested getting some Vodka and sprite. I was down for that, we went to Riverside park for bit and then back to her place. I got pretty hammered and after a poor performance I through up in her bathroom. Luckily she was passed out and I managed to clean up well enough. After some sleep I pulled it together and provided I wasn't just a fuckboi. My kinda date, would do it again. We have plans to check out some festival out in Harlem this Saturday.
I have a date tomorrow with a cute blond who's way more excited to meet me than she should be. Feeling pretty good, def much better since I shaved that awful beard.
I have a date tomorrow with a cute blond who's way more excited to meet me than she should be. Feeling pretty good, def much better since I shaved that awful beard.
ClosingADoor
Member
Sorry to hear that Chewie, but sounds like you do the right thing and bail. Don't stay friends, just walk away. On to the next one, most of the time it won't work out but you only need to find the right one once!
And I wouldn't buy people gifts anymore before you are in a stable relationship. There is absolutely no need for that and you can use the money for better things.
And I wouldn't buy people gifts anymore before you are in a stable relationship. There is absolutely no need for that and you can use the money for better things.
User 479360
Banned
Thanks. It's too bad, but it is what it is.
Underneath, she's a nice person and is nice to talk to, but her situation/sexual desire is way too out there for me. I feel bad not being her friend, but she'll just keep leading me on.
I'll miss her awesome cat
Good shit, dude. Glad it went well.
And I think I'm going to Dino BBQ, because that looks awesome.
My favorite place in the city to grub.
Sorry to pull this out, but what do you mean by that, actually? I agree that it's probably not an STD, but I was just wondering if you could clarify real quick.
Does it feel like blue balls? I've had that happen to an ex that hadn't had sex for a while, after we, er... you know, got in on. Mainly why I'm asking about the area. I don't know if that's really actually normal or not, though, I just know it happened, heh.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
As a side note, you don't owe people you've barely dated anything. She was nice enough tell you what was going and you weren't up for that so you can easily leave. Stop worrying if it's nice enough or not, you're not being rude. You don't have to awkwardly hang out the rest of the day to be a nice person. You have to get over feeling guilty about things. You did nothing wrong and are doing nothing wrong by cutting contact since you should be doing that anyway.
User 479360
Banned
It just feels like a bit of constant pain just inside the tip. Perhaps I hurt it, or bruised it. I don't know, but I don't think it's an STD. I sincerely hope not, because I don't want to have to deal with that, nor did I ever imagine myself getting one.
I don't know exactly what blue balls feels like, other than being overly horny all the time with no real outlet.
You're right. I'm just too nice, I guess.
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The PSW I mentioned earlier in this thread came three times today to help my disabled parent. I saw her twice, and she's always really pleasant/cheery and has a joking/always laughing and flirtacious type of personality. She's like that with most people, it seems, especially my dad and myself.
I'm wanting to ask her if she's single and if she has any interest in going out sometime, maybe to a movie or something. However, I don't have the cojones and don't want to make the rest of the summer awkward if I do. I figured that she maybe was when she was talking to me about movies and asking what I was into/saying how she's too cheap to go to the movies unless it's half-price Tuesday, but since she's so jovial and I'm so bad at picking up signs, I can't tell.
She's really cute, though. Pretty, with a fantastic personality. Outgoing (I want someone who'll kick my ass out of bed) and genuinely fun to talk to. She's healthy as well - not skinny but not anywhere close to fat, unlike myself.
But she goes to school 45 minutes away and I don't have a vehicle of my own.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You're not too nice, you're just a push over. You can be super nice and not be a pushover who constantly does things he doesn't enjoy to please someone else.
User 479360
Banned
That's a better term. I really don't have much of a spine a lot of the time, because I try to avoid conflict and make others happy.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You should work on getting over that. I think you're conflating things that aren't the same. You can be nice and make people happy without having to always sacrifice your happiness. It's difficult for others to give a crap about you if you don't give a crap about you.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
About ready to call it kaputz again...
Just wish I could get this whole dating thing to work for me, just once.
Just wish I could get this whole dating thing to work for me, just once.
Got a number from a girl on tinder. Texted a bit and she said she wanted to get drinks. I messaged her 5 days ago asking if Wednesday night would be good for her . She never responded. I can take a hint but want to give it one more shot before I give up. I'll probably wait a few days and text her again.
What do I say? I don't want to seem desperate or basically repeat the last text I sent her. Should I:
A.) put the ball in her court and tell her to let me know what is a good night for her?
B.) just say "I'll be here at x time at x bar you should join"
C.) admit defeat and delete her number
She hasn't unmatched me on tinder fwiw
What do I say? I don't want to seem desperate or basically repeat the last text I sent her. Should I:
A.) put the ball in her court and tell her to let me know what is a good night for her?
B.) just say "I'll be here at x time at x bar you should join"
C.) admit defeat and delete her number
She hasn't unmatched me on tinder fwiw
MonorailCat
Member
In my experience:
If you don't write there is 99% chance you will never hear from her again.
If you write, there at least *some* chance.
you could frame it as if you cancelled the date:
"hey, something came up and i''m going out with friends instead. could offer you saturday as an alternative"
electricshake
Member
Definitely something for you to work on as being spineless is not an attractive trait. I understand wanting to make your partner happy but you need to find a balance. It's ok to be a bit selfish you know.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
An 18-year-old favorited me on POF. I'm 26. Awkward.
Gray Matter
Member
She wants a sugar daddy. I say go for it.
lol