When it comes to this person in particular, you need to keep with this line of thinking and attitude. Your brain will eventually start to be able to look at life without her being a non-sequitur, interfering with you moving on. It takes time. Over a year is not unreasonable. If your life hasn't hit a full stop in some way over this, stay mindful and try not to let it.
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Online Dating |OT| Please Respond
- Thread starter Jhoan
- Start date
When it comes to this person in particular, you need to keep with this line of thinking and attitude. Your brain will eventually start to be able to look at life without her being a non-sequitur, interfering with you moving on. It takes time. Over a year is not unreasonable. If your life hasn't hit a full stop in some way over this, stay mindful and try not to let it.
Two dates this weekend, both went pretty well.
1. First date, went back to her place after drinks at a bar. She was against sex for fear of me being like a one and done. She had it in her mind I was some Tinder god, pussyslayer, not the first I've gotten that. That's fine, whatever. We fooled around though, did some other stuff instead. It was good time.
2. Second date was pretty chill, I'm not sure if he mesh well but I enjoyed her company. We made out a bit at the end of the date, and she said she'd like too see me again after the holidays when she's back in the city.
No dates lined up this week. Most girls on Tinder aren't actually from NYC, so everyone is going back home
1. First date, went back to her place after drinks at a bar. She was against sex for fear of me being like a one and done. She had it in her mind I was some Tinder god, pussyslayer, not the first I've gotten that. That's fine, whatever. We fooled around though, did some other stuff instead. It was good time.
2. Second date was pretty chill, I'm not sure if he mesh well but I enjoyed her company. We made out a bit at the end of the date, and she said she'd like too see me again after the holidays when she's back in the city.
No dates lined up this week. Most girls on Tinder aren't actually from NYC, so everyone is going back home
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Two months, but yeah. Details in the other dating thread. Basically, despite me doing "everything right" and showing her that she deserves to be treated well, she wasn't falling for me as quickly as I was falling for her - or something - and we were in different stages of life, etc., etc.
This one hurts.
Yea, I seen it in the dating thread. That sucks bro. I hope it isn't to much of a deterrent. I love reading your stuff, and I'm always pulling for you.
Fallout-NL
Member
Women are attracted to assholes, but we all know this. I was just thinking about this yesterday. The women that I have ignored or been an asshole to have always smothered me with attention and affection. Every time that I am nice to a girl, I eventually lose her. I now have a rule where if a girl shows any signs of withdrawing from me, I completely ignore her or start being somewhat of a jerk. That's just the way it is. They are only being treated nicely if they deserve it.
davidwhangchoi
Member
hahaha, that was funny, reminds me of a chris rock dvd...
not sure about the a-hole part =), though being one does show the underlying principal at work.
davidwhangchoi
Member
good thing you got GAF at least you'll have a lot things on here to do. i'm so invested in yakuza 5 =)
I'm... not sure how much solace video games are in this situation...
davidwhangchoi
Member
not solace, i think he's really not too invested, just waiting to hear back... games are a good down timer =)
It may be familiar to some. Or they may just have an easier time digesting someone who they can expect to be offputting over someone putting on aires in order to get their attention and attraction.
Just caught the post, sounds afraid of the commitment, sorry to hear it man. Spend some time treating yourself and enjoying the holidays, it sounded exhausting.
And happy holidays to everybody else as well.
Haha, yeah, that's true!
Just caught the post, sounds afraid of the commitment, sorry to hear it man. Spend some time treating yourself and enjoying the holidays, it sounded exhausting.
And happy holidays to everybody else as well.
Happy holidays to you as well, creepy Simpsons pikachu Santa
Wouldn't even say I'm waiting. If the girl messages me back, I'll respond, but otherwise I'm going about life as normal. This weekend alone was fulfilling - saw Star Wars, baked christmas cookies, went to the gym, finished reading "the martian", watched some Jessica Jones...
dskillzhtown
keep your strippers out of my American football
To be honest, it took me about 2 years to get over my ex fully. I casually dated during that time, even tried to get serious with someone else, but it just wasn't there because my mind was on my ex or I just didn't know how to be in a relationship again. When did I know I was over her? It just happened. I met someone else and everything was just natural and my mind didn't compare her to my ex at all. It was a new start. I wasn't even really looking at the time, it just kind of happened. She hit me up on Tinder, I ignored her and then she sent another message weeks later and I finally responded. I have been happy ever since.
Life takes care of itself sometimes.
Oh sh.... A reply!
She apologized, said she was in a car accident and had just gotten her phone back. Then suggested we meet up next weekend! Lack of phone would explain why she had to cancel via OKC instead of by text. Not going to overthink this too much, just going to set something up.
She apologized, said she was in a car accident and had just gotten her phone back. Then suggested we meet up next weekend! Lack of phone would explain why she had to cancel via OKC instead of by text. Not going to overthink this too much, just going to set something up.
davidwhangchoi
Member
hey congrats man! i'm sure you're going to do this... but ask her if she's okay =)
Girl that liked me came over last night. She was questioning why I don't want to be around her or hang out often. I think she got the hint that I'm not into her. She took her things and left. What a relief...
For the most part, she has exited my mind when it comes to me going on with my life. At this point she's simply a memory I miss and regret at the same time. I wasn't perfect, but what I got wasn't what I deserved. The reason I can't fully keep in line with thinking I won't ever hear from her again are tiny hints here & there, things I notice; she followed my friend on social media (someone she only knows of because of me, my friend blocked her after that, though), her reactivating her old facebook profile (one she was friends with me & my family on) during my birthday and during holidays, etc. As much as I'd like to think those tiny things have nothing to do with me, I'm just not that dumb. She has kept friendships with ex's of hers whom mistreated her & even cheated on her, yet what I did was minorly screw up (first relationship, noob at it), and she erased me from her life completely. I think that's what hurts the most. I'm sure she has her reasons that I'm unaware of, but honestly I think she misunderstood or mistook something. Either that, or she feels too guilty for leaving me for someone else. I'll probably never know.
Two years is a long time, but I'm glad it worked out for you. If your situation is anything to go by, I suppose I'm a little over halfway there!
For the most part, she has exited my mind when it comes to me going on with my life. At this point she's simply a memory I miss and regret at the same time. I wasn't perfect, but what I got wasn't what I deserved. The reason I can't fully keep in line with thinking I won't ever hear from her again are tiny hints here & there, things I notice; she followed my friend on social media (someone she only knows of because of me, my friend blocked her after that, though), her reactivating her old facebook profile (one she was friends with me & my family on) during my birthday and during holidays, etc. As much as I'd like to think those tiny things have nothing to do with me, I'm just not that dumb. She has kept friendships with ex's of hers whom mistreated her & even cheated on her, yet what I did was minorly screw up (first relationship, noob at it), and she erased me from her life completely. I think that's what hurts the most. I'm sure she has her reasons that I'm unaware of, but honestly I think she misunderstood or mistook something. Either that, or she feels too guilty for leaving me for someone else. I'll probably never know.
Two years is a long time, but I'm glad it worked out for you. If your situation is anything to go by, I suppose I'm a little over halfway there!
User 479360
Banned
I've been talking to a new girl that I met online, and she's really nice. Conversations are easy with her, and she's accepting. We're planning to meet, but with it being Christmas it may not be right away.
She lives about thirty minutes away, and I wish she lived closer because I don't have a vehicle and would have to borrow one. But that's not a huge deal.
The other girl -- whom I went on a date with -- has been texting me off and on, and she texted me today. She said hey, we talked a bit and she mentioned how I'd had a productive day (I posted it on social media). I said I needed to go Christmas shopping still and was thinking about going tonight, to which she replied asking if I'd like company.
I didn't really hear back from her much afterwards, until she sent me a message saying she was going to drive over here, invite herself in, drink a bottle of wine and fall asleep in my lap. I didn't know how to reply, but asked her about how she wanted to take it slow and all she said was "meh."
Later on, I got a Facebook message from her saying that she doesn't think she's healthy enough mentally for a long term relationship, apologizes for wasting my time and hopes we can be friends. She offered drinks and a movie on her if so.
She lives about thirty minutes away, and I wish she lived closer because I don't have a vehicle and would have to borrow one. But that's not a huge deal.
The other girl -- whom I went on a date with -- has been texting me off and on, and she texted me today. She said hey, we talked a bit and she mentioned how I'd had a productive day (I posted it on social media). I said I needed to go Christmas shopping still and was thinking about going tonight, to which she replied asking if I'd like company.
I didn't really hear back from her much afterwards, until she sent me a message saying she was going to drive over here, invite herself in, drink a bottle of wine and fall asleep in my lap. I didn't know how to reply, but asked her about how she wanted to take it slow and all she said was "meh."
Later on, I got a Facebook message from her saying that she doesn't think she's healthy enough mentally for a long term relationship, apologizes for wasting my time and hopes we can be friends. She offered drinks and a movie on her if so.
I take what you wrote as that she said she wants to take it slow. Do you want to take it slow too? Because if you don't, you just missed a huge opportunity right there - I mean come on she literally invited herself to your place and you ask her if she didn't want to take things slow.
User 479360
Banned
I don't think that changed anything. Me saying that, I mean. She did a 180, though, for some reason, but I know her mental health hasn't been great.
Of course I'm willing to take it slow, but there's nothing to take slow, I guess. She said that if I'm really patient, something may come out of it.
Eff that noise. If you want to be friends with her, be friends with her. But don't let her string you along with vague promises of "something may come out of it".
She might've originally said she wants to take it slow, but all her actions point to the contrary. She asked you if you wanted to kiss her...you said no. She asked if she could get drunk and "fall asleep in your lap"...you said no. I am by no means an expert in dating, but she wasn't looking to take things slow, and by rebuffing her advances (twice!) you're now friendzoned.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
I live in D.C., actually. (She lived 20 mins from there.) The B&B was halfway between me and Charlottesville, VA (where a friend of mine happens to live, incidentally).
Anyway, after a veritable shitshow of a day, I sorta feel better. Every relationship teachings you things about yourself: what you want, and perhaps more importantly, what you don't want. I've decided to put just a portion of the effort I did with this last girl (and believe me, considering her body image issues and her depression and the BDSM necessities and open relationship elements, it was a lot) into friendships. I've also realized that I can be dedicated and committed and that I'm not afraid of taking emotional risks or being vulnerable -- and that, considering our third date was a weekend trip together, I'm also willing to be bold.
Not bad things to learn about myself, in the end. I honestly can do better than her, although I wish her the best. We've been texting intermittently this evening, and she went silent. For whatever reason -- phone dying, becoming distracted, inviting some dude over -- I don't really care.
davidwhangchoi
Member
Hi there OCDChewie!
sounds like the second girl may be going through some ups and downs (emotionally high and low) if she let it be known she wants to take it slow then last minute wanting to drive over spontaneously... she may wanted to impulsively do things (lol), have fun, was rebuffed, and then realizing she's not ready for a relationship apologetically, offering to host you drinks.
depending on your objective, (to survey the field, check out the first girl, get in this girls pants quick or want to get to know her more... and be patient) it looks like you a few options to decide.
the other posters are correct: you could've got in her pants quick but reminded her of her own words of taking it slow.
the question is what do you want now: check out the other girl? find a way back in bed quick? be patient with her?
whatever you decide, i'm sure she may be open to some kind of connection.
Yep, definitely have to take emotional risks. It's a lot easier when you know that you have other options on the table.
Sometimes I think people who verbally acknowledge this sort of thing are more old fashioned in their dating approach. They don't proactively seek out a partner and push themselves into the life of someone they want to be with. They simply accept that more-than-friends stuff that lasts tends to happen naturally with the people you get to know and surround yourself with when you're not seeking something non-platonic, or anything to begin with. When they are approached by someone that doesn't have the same... "dating style" as them, they probably come across as frustrating to get through because they often expect something serious.
Take some "time off" and enjoy the single life for awhile.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Oh, I have plenty. I logged into OKC on a lark and already have a few messages. I always knew I could return to that, so your point is accurate.
(Just hoped I wouldn't have had to.)
Yeah bro, sounded like she wanted a hookup and didn't really wanna take it slow at all.
User 479360
Banned
I know she's been dealing with mental health/depression issues, because she texted me from work saying she was really sad and that she wanted to buy a gun. So I don't know if it was me asking about her taking it slow (which was in jest, and she replied with "meh" to) really did anything.
Fallout-NL
Member
Yeah, starting to see some definite red flags here, Chewie.
User 479360
Banned
She tried to commit suicide the weekend before we met. They know.
I liked hanging out with her, though, and am lonely.
Okay, I changed my mind. She sounds super insane and not something you should have in your life. She seems like someone that shouldn't even date until she gets her emotions and mental health issues in check. Do you really wanna date someone that's downright suicidal?
Being lonely is a very poor excuse to deal with dating a person that is mentally unstable to the point that she tried to kill herself a couple weeks ago.
You're trying to find a partner, not someone to fix. You're not a therapist.
User 479360
Banned
PulseONE
Member
Hmm, yeah I'ma try that, maybe some more me time will be good
davidwhangchoi
Member
sounds like you wouldn't mind just being friends at this point.
+3 so true =)
glad you agree w/ your fellow GAFers =)
turning a person down can really effect someone who is in depression... it's good that she said she doesn't want a relationship so you're off the hook.
User 479360
Banned
It's really bothered my depression.
Being with someone that makes you more depressed is obviously not a good thing.
Hello people,
so I thought I would give online dating a try since work keeps me from going out much at the moment. The problem is, I do not have any good pictures. Now I know the advice..post something with an interesting activity or whatever. Unfortunately, I don't have any interesting hobbies, pretty much a nerd, so I can't post a picture of standing in front of a mountain I climbed or whatever.
Should I just do a normal selfie with the typical angle? Have a hard time getting a good picture from my smartphone. Or are there any good ideas for people without a super exciting life?
so I thought I would give online dating a try since work keeps me from going out much at the moment. The problem is, I do not have any good pictures. Now I know the advice..post something with an interesting activity or whatever. Unfortunately, I don't have any interesting hobbies, pretty much a nerd, so I can't post a picture of standing in front of a mountain I climbed or whatever.
Should I just do a normal selfie with the typical angle? Have a hard time getting a good picture from my smartphone. Or are there any good ideas for people without a super exciting life?
Just updated my profile on OKC. Mind critiquing it and the pics?
https://www.okcupid.com/profile/afrocious
https://www.okcupid.com/profile/afrocious
While everyone will trumpet the trinity of pics - Socializing, full-body view, interesting - it's possible to succeed without them. My pic when I started OKC was simply a selfie taken indoors at arms-length with my cellphone, and I got some action. Not that I'd recommend it, though.
I don't know what the typical selfie angle, but if you want a good picture of yourself, there's two important things - the jawline, and to take dozens of pictures. With dozens of pictures, you can cherry pick the best one. For the jawline...if you're growing a beard, maintain a proper neckline, and when you take pictures, push your tongue against the top of your mouth (this helps reduce double chin-age).
If you want an interesting picture, look up what your local zoo/aviary charges for a Penguin experience. You + cute penguin = gold.
Mentioning you want to move to the West coast is awkward. Makes it feel like you're either looking for something that'll get serious quickly or just want a short term fling.
Gym selfies are generally frowned upon, even if they aren't true selfies. And what's on that bar, like 50 pounds? Another pic with same level of clarity would be awesome though. It shows you off the best, by far.
It might be too heavy on the nerd stuff. Lightsaber picture, listing your favorite videogames, episode 9 reference in your "what I'm thinking about"?
"Everything" is a non-answer for favorite food. Mention specifics. If you know a burger that gives you mouthgasms, mention you know the best burger place in town. It starts conversations.
You should have more fun with your "you should message me if". If a section isn't funny ,interesting, or a personality showcase, leave it blank
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Demoting myself from the Varsity Thread to this one...
I forgot how weird the online scene was, at least for me. Not only did a random gay dude message me, asking if I was in town, but I forgot the cardinal rule of group pictures: it's never the one you hope it is.
Got a few messages. Sent a few messages. It's hard to work up the energy to craft them, you know -- but then, honestly, it doesn't really matter what you write, I've found. (I used to take assiduous care with this, but the data don't support it.)
I don't miss my ex (much), really, but I miss what we had. Going out for burgers after Christmas with the other dude who hooked up with her. Would be weird if we can forge a friendship from that. I'm trying to fill the holiday season by hanging out with friends as much as I can.
I forgot how weird the online scene was, at least for me. Not only did a random gay dude message me, asking if I was in town, but I forgot the cardinal rule of group pictures: it's never the one you hope it is.
Got a few messages. Sent a few messages. It's hard to work up the energy to craft them, you know -- but then, honestly, it doesn't really matter what you write, I've found. (I used to take assiduous care with this, but the data don't support it.)
I don't miss my ex (much), really, but I miss what we had. Going out for burgers after Christmas with the other dude who hooked up with her. Would be weird if we can forge a friendship from that. I'm trying to fill the holiday season by hanging out with friends as much as I can.
A part of me feel like you really wanted to go in on my bench pic. That was 115
.Anyway I'm confused. Are you suggesting profiles should be general or something? I was under the impression those are boring.
RE: Nerd stuff. Anything wrong with those?
A part of me feel like you really wanted to go in on my bench pic. That was 115
Anyway I'm confused. Are you suggesting profiles should be general or something? I was under the impression those are boring.
RE: Nerd stuff. Anything wrong with those?
Nah, just kiddin' with ya. 115's better than what I currently do. My physique is like a marshmallow with spaghetti stuck in it. Only started strength training in Sept. Biceps have grown like an inch....not much, but no where near as embarrassing.
No don't be general. Your favorite food answer is general. Your "you should message me if" is general. But you don't want to be so specific that your profile only appeals to a small section of the population. Yours would primarily appeal to geek girls who also have an interest in moving to Seattle. That's too small of a net.
With nerd stuff...saying you play games is fine, but listing your favorites? I personally would leave it out. Star Wars is in, so the lightsaber pic can stay, but crop it so the center isn't on the white guy.
Looking at your recent updates - when I said mention a great food place if you know of one, I meant you should mention that you know of a great food place, but not say where it is. That way, if girls want to know where to get kickass sushi, they need to message you. It's cheap, but along with your "where the hell to find good pho", it works.
Don't mention "fighting" in your "you should message me". Saying that just helps girls visualize fighting with you.
davidwhangchoi
Member
yeah, it is a bummer...
but i think you did the right thing not taking advantage of her that night unintentional or not. reminding her she wanted to take it slow was a good thing =)