SpiritSlayer
Member
How do you have an online conversation that isn't one sided? Trying to keep the convo going by yourself kinda sucks.
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Online Dating |OT| Please Respond
- Thread starter Jhoan
- Start date
If it is one-sided, bail. Best case scenario is that you go on one or more dates, waste your time, and waste your money. It took me a long time to figure out that if the conversation doesn't just flow naturally from the get-go, then bail. I wasted a lot of time and money dating women that I had no business dating.
Blackquill
Member
Tinder is probably my most depressing dating experience in my already empty life from this point of view.
I tried everything, changing my photos for something more appealing, trying to talk to matches in an unusual way so they won't get bored, etc.
But I don't receive a lot of matches already (only 13 since December) and the rare matches I got just... doesn't respond. Maybe I say something really displeasant to them but I highly doubt so. I am even at this point where I question my self-esteem due to the low sucess of this app (and others things too but that's another topic). I think it's better to just delete it, since it causes me trouble more than anything else.
I tried everything, changing my photos for something more appealing, trying to talk to matches in an unusual way so they won't get bored, etc.
But I don't receive a lot of matches already (only 13 since December) and the rare matches I got just... doesn't respond. Maybe I say something really displeasant to them but I highly doubt so. I am even at this point where I question my self-esteem due to the low sucess of this app (and others things too but that's another topic). I think it's better to just delete it, since it causes me trouble more than anything else.
Three dates set up this week through Tinder.
One cancels yesterday because I didn't "continue the conversation" after asking her on a date and confirming details. Okay, weird, whatever.
One cancels an hour before the date because "something came up," Yeah, uh huh, cool.
Third ghosts before we can set a time and place, even though she said she definitely wanted to go out this week.
I hate online dating so so so so so so much.
One cancels yesterday because I didn't "continue the conversation" after asking her on a date and confirming details. Okay, weird, whatever.
One cancels an hour before the date because "something came up," Yeah, uh huh, cool.
Third ghosts before we can set a time and place, even though she said she definitely wanted to go out this week.
I hate online dating so so so so so so much.
Fallout-NL
Member
There's no avoiding that, it happens, no reason to take it personally (maybe something actually did come up or they got cold feet). Just keep at it, you'll eventually match up with someone who is interested in actually meeting up.
I know. I'm still vulnerable I guess, since I only broke up with my ex a month ago. I was feeling pretty good until yesterday haha. I just can't seem to catch a break.
Bumble is such a stupid concept.
Guys have no incentive to NOT swipe right if it's all on the girl to message them. I know it's different because you're female and all, but from a guy's POV it sucks.
(I also live in an area where the dating pool seems to be pretty thin)
Girl #1 - That's always a conundrum. If you keep the conversation going, what do you talk about on the date? But, I can understand wanting to keep in touch leading up to the date, but not over-doing it.
Girl #2 and Girl #3 - these are the things I hate about online dating. Everyone (both men, and women) think it's alright to simply flake out or completely drop a conversation. At least Girl #2 had the courtesy to tell you 'something came up' and didn't no-show on the date.
The funny thing about girl 1 is that she had the temerity to tell me that because I hadn't talked to her since we scheduled the date, the date was off, when she didn't bother even once trying to talk to me! If it is that important to keep talking before the date, then, I dunno, maybe start the conversation? How am I supposed to know that? And then she told me that I was in the wrong because her way is the normal way to do it. Ha, girl, I've been online dating for years now, there is no normal!
I'm glad I didn't get stood up, but yeah, it's just really frustrating. I had three dates set up this week, now I have none. Ugh.
And yet, no one swipes right on me lol. Had it for like two months and got maybe 5 matches and they unmatched pretty quickly after lol.
I don't understand that either. Even with some of my friendships, I get the "I haven't heard from you in awhile!" when I haven't heard from them in awhile either!
I guess some people are used to getting attention and not giving it. As someone who always has to give it, it gets tiresome.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Maybe they see that your profile says "friends only"?
I need a better photo, for one. All of my photos are either crappy, or of me in a suit, and the suit apparently doesn't play well according to OKC's internal stats (the latter is largely coincidental, as i've gone to some fun social events for school where i had pictures taken, but i happened to be in a suit each time, coincidence for Halloween, for one). I hate to put too much stock in it, but this whole thing is an incredibly shallow enterprise so i have to have the front gate looking snazzy.
Second, branch out. I think i've run OKC dry, so i need to flip a few more sites into the mix.
Where do all the nerdy girls hang out? That's the trouble i'm having. My political views are heavily left-wing but i'm fairly conservative socially (as far as that goes on OKC: do drink but don't party hard, don't smoke, don't do drugs), which gets me an odd cross-section of girls who are either way too wild, or are Republicans.
Second, branch out. I think i've run OKC dry, so i need to flip a few more sites into the mix.
Where do all the nerdy girls hang out? That's the trouble i'm having. My political views are heavily left-wing but i'm fairly conservative socially (as far as that goes on OKC: do drink but don't party hard, don't smoke, don't do drugs), which gets me an odd cross-section of girls who are either way too wild, or are Republicans.
Bumble and tinder don't have that. Or at least, I don't fill out the "250 character" profile things they got going on lol
All based on looks right now, and I mean, I know I'm ugly, but can't even get a single dude to say hi in two months? Lol. My self-esteem can't deal.
I'm extremely late to reply to this, but I once put on a 'make your own pizza' dinner date, and it went down a treat. Provide the bases, toppings, sauces, etc and just go to town. It really was good fun, opens up a lot of discussion while making dinner (favourite foods can be discussed and teased at will), and the end result is delicious. To make it a bit fancier, buy a nice bottle of wine to wash the pizza down with.
Blackquill
Member
I know dat feel bro. I even had someone who deleted me when we were almost going to meet
That's totally low. I ususally try to get a girl's number after setting a date so that doesn't happen but sometimes it can't be helped. Sorry bro.
stn
Member
Last three messages received:
1. Girl in a different city (7 hours by car)
2. A pic-less guy who's "straight" but wants to give me a bj
3. A scammer
I'm usually not the type to whine but this is just becoming annoying, lol. What's worse, I'm seeing the exact same profiles of girls from way back. Is anyone on OKC actually dating or what, lol?!
1. Girl in a different city (7 hours by car)
2. A pic-less guy who's "straight" but wants to give me a bj
3. A scammer
I'm usually not the type to whine but this is just becoming annoying, lol. What's worse, I'm seeing the exact same profiles of girls from way back. Is anyone on OKC actually dating or what, lol?!
ClosingADoor
Member
Lone_Prodigy
Member
I guess the New Year's rush has faded? It'll probably be slow until May-June when classes end.
If that's you on your avatar pic, then oh my god you are so not ugly. I really don't know the psychology behind what you're going through if you haven't received a decent message in months.
I suppose I shouldn't feel so bad then that I have had zero luck so far with Match in the last month since I subscribed. Having had zero luck with OKC for nearly a year, I decided to try Match and it's been the same old story. I have a funny description, great photos of me smiling and even wearing a tie and shit, and I write very well written and respectful messages, and still I get views but no replies.
Then again, if I may be completely honest, I would have to rank myself around a 4.5 out of 10 in the looks department. When I see photos of other guys on the site, I can almost assure myself that I am easily overlooked because I'm not very attractive. The one thing I can't do anything about happens to be an essential part of the online dating pool.
If that's you on your avatar pic, then oh my god you are so not ugly. I really don't know the psychology behind what you're going through if you haven't received a decent message in months.
I suppose I shouldn't feel so bad then that I have had zero luck so far with Match in the last month since I subscribed. Having had zero luck with OKC for nearly a year, I decided to try Match and it's been the same old story. I have a funny description, great photos of me smiling and even wearing a tie and shit, and I write very well written and respectful messages, and still I get views but no replies.
Then again, if I may be completely honest, I would have to rank myself around a 4.5 out of 10 in the looks department. When I see photos of other guys on the site, I can almost assure myself that I am easily overlooked because I'm not very attractive. The one thing I can't do anything about happens to be an essential part of the online dating pool.
Lol, the only people who have ever been interested in me are either much younger or much older, or their profile pictures are of them wearing actual fedoras.
I know I am incredibly unattractive. It still stings every time I get confirmation though. If I had any sense, I'd never leave my apartment again and shut down any and all social media, but at least it keeps me humble. If I didn't, I'd actually think I was acceptable in any way.
Make sure you ask in here about first messages--these guys can help you and you'll be getting replies in no time!
I guess we're going to just have to agree to disagree about your looks. But hey, I'm all for whatever keeps you humble! That's a good quality.
Okay, I'll try asking about first messages, which I could actually use some help with. There are a lot of profiles that are filled out with basic generalities like I like to go hiking or watch Netflix or go to the gym, etc. I know I should be asking some kind of question so they would have something to respond with. It hasn't worked though. Any further suggestions?
But it's come to a point where I don't have the confidence anymore to write anything unique like I did before. I've written long and short messages and nothing works. I keep seeing the same girls I have already sent messages to in my immediate 30 mile radius search and if none have written back, it's like there is no point to doing anything further.
I guess we're going to just have to agree to disagree about your looks. But hey, I'm all for whatever keeps you humble! That's a good quality.
Okay, I'll try asking about first messages, which I could actually use some help with. There are a lot of profiles that are filled out with basic generalities like I like to go hiking or watch Netflix or go to the gym, etc. I know I should be asking some kind of question so they would have something to respond with. It hasn't worked though. Any further suggestions?
But it's come to a point where I don't have the confidence anymore to write anything unique like I did before. I've written long and short messages and nothing works. I keep seeing the same girls I have already sent messages to in my immediate 30 mile radius search and if none have written back, it's like there is no point to doing anything further.
To be honest, if you're not getting responses, it's likely the pictures. I'd suggest PM'ing them to someone for a quick critique...if you're willing, I'll give 'em a gander. You'll get the best bang for your buck in improving them.
The first message should be (1) Short, (2) Reference something from their profile so they know you've looked at it, and (3) Ask a question/Start a conversation. Too long, they just won't bother reading it. Asking a question gives them something to respond to. The reference is there to show 'em that you're not mass-messaging everyone. You should avoid referencing anything too specific, favorite movies and music included (unless they're obvious mega-fans of it)...some people completely forget what they have in their profile.
This is not true at all. Get a better haircut, spice up your wardrobe (get fitted clothes or whatever), ask friends for advice perhaps, then ask a friend to take photos of you (candid) when you're hanging out.Then again, if I may be completely honest, I would have to rank myself around a 4.5 out of 10 in the looks department. When I see photos of other guys on the site, I can almost assure myself that I am easily overlooked because I'm not very attractive. The one thing I can't do anything about happens to be an essential part of the online dating pool.
Clothes/hair make a massive difference in how people perceive you (and in how you perceive yourself). If you look better, YOU will see yourself as more attractive, which will in turn make you more confident.
Thanks for the offer to critique my pics, but I think I'm way too self-conscious to share photos of myself. I, in general, hate to even need to have them on my dating profile but it's a necessity. In case I'm up for it though, I'd like to show you one or two if you don't mind! Thanks for the advice on how to better craft a message though. I'll adopt that strategy from now on and just see what happens.
I suppose I can try to do a bit more in those areas. It couldn't hurt! I mean I would love to be able to perceive myself in a better light first and foremost. I just wonder if that would ever translate to how others see me though. I mean it's just all a facade, right? If I had to act not myself to impress someone, I could never keep that act up in the long run. It's just not me. And the actual me is, in essence, a letdown.
But regardless, I really appreciate the advices! They at least made me want to keep at it for maybe a few more weeks!
stn
Member
@Drahcir
Something as simple as a haircut can make all the difference. Not every look works on every guy, despite what some may want you to think. The first time I actually cut my hair really short in my early 20's, I got hit on and complimented enough times. When my hair was long I was completely invisible, never got any looks from any women. No joke or exaggeration.
Something as simple as a haircut can make all the difference. Not every look works on every guy, despite what some may want you to think. The first time I actually cut my hair really short in my early 20's, I got hit on and complimented enough times. When my hair was long I was completely invisible, never got any looks from any women. No joke or exaggeration.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
I wouldn't worry about the facade part. Everyone is putting their best foot forward. Just don't lie and say you make six figures and drive a Porsche. Besides, at the end of the day we're all just sitting in our bed with messy hair watching Bachelor reruns while eating Ben and Jerry's out of the carton. And no I did not just describe my Wednesday nights, because American Idol is on.
But if you're really worried about portraying yourself as someone you're not, be that person so you don't have to worry. Travel somewhere. Get a hobby. Join a club/team. Make yourself attractive, and heck you may even end up not needing an online profile to meet someone.
But if you're really worried about portraying yourself as someone you're not, be that person so you don't have to worry. Travel somewhere. Get a hobby. Join a club/team. Make yourself attractive, and heck you may even end up not needing an online profile to meet someone.
Feel free to! I spent the past year reinventing myself physically and lemme tell you, the moment you're able to look yourself in the mirror and think "Damn, I like that!" makes it all worth it.
Everyone's putting up a facade, in some form or another. We've all got insecurities, prowess we'll lie about, or just weird shit that would scare away potential mates. Recognizing that is the most liberating thing in the world. From that moment on, you'll know anyone you meet is a little screwed up, maybe even more than you.
Who says anything about acting? Just be yourself. BUT that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement. Your self should not be an immalleable entity, you should also seek self-improvement (for your own sake, not for anyone else).
Once I started dressing better, I started getting compliments from almost every girl I knew. And I started feeling better about myself. I was not used to getting compliments. People like it when you take care of yourself. Yeah, maybe it's a reflection of our shallow society, but the important thing is that I did not change my personality, did not fake anything. All I did was just get some better clothes. My old clothes did not represent my 'self', I was just lazy and didn't take care of my appearance.
So, take care of your appearance. Or don't. But, if you're having bad luck in the dating world, that's an easy thing to change, without fundamentally affecting who you are (other than feeling confident).
Looks like I have more to do and consider than I thought! Thanks a bunch, guys! All your responses have been educational and I am taking them to heart.
I do have bouts with confidence and any little thing that helps improve the way I see myself should do me good. I mean, how I am now, I don't exactly feel like a total loser. I'm definitely in a spiraling mid-life crisis. I have a good paying job, a nice sports car, nerdy hobbies, love sports and sporting activities, and just generally a nice, humble, affable dude. And yet I still feel in my gut around girls that I am just not very attractive. I'm not, how do I put it, magnetic? Maybe nice guys do finish last? I don't think I've mentioned my age, but I am two years away from 40. Yeah, yikes.
Anyway, again, I do appreciate you guys helping me with this riddle that's been plaguing my whole adult life. I'll keep at it though. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and willing to learn, so at least I can be thankful for that.
I do have bouts with confidence and any little thing that helps improve the way I see myself should do me good. I mean, how I am now, I don't exactly feel like a total loser. I'm definitely in a spiraling mid-life crisis. I have a good paying job, a nice sports car, nerdy hobbies, love sports and sporting activities, and just generally a nice, humble, affable dude. And yet I still feel in my gut around girls that I am just not very attractive. I'm not, how do I put it, magnetic? Maybe nice guys do finish last? I don't think I've mentioned my age, but I am two years away from 40. Yeah, yikes.
Anyway, again, I do appreciate you guys helping me with this riddle that's been plaguing my whole adult life. I'll keep at it though. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and willing to learn, so at least I can be thankful for that.
Remade Tinder the day after Valentines. First 30 minutes I get a match. I decide to be goofy/sarcastic and she meets my own wit with her own. Had a great convo, exchanged numbers, and have been texting back and forth a lot. We have a drink date set for tomorrow at a bar. This is the first date in over 2 years that has potential. First person I've clicked with since my ex. Nervous.
electricshake
Member
Wait isn't part of the problem that she thinks you're a player? Because this won't help that... Why not just have a talk with her about what she wants, and let her know what you want. If it doesn't match up, then Tinder away.
I brought up exclusivity really early into this, like embarrassingly early. She said she needed more time of course which is fine but she knows what I want. In anycase, things have been great from then on until about a week ago. Just a lack of effort on her end, even less affectionate when we are together. It really came out of the blue. I called her out on it on the train ride yesterday morning. She just shrugged it off. She's out of town this weekend, so I'm just going to wish her safe travels and then let her get to me whenever she feels like. I don't feel like wasting my time with someone who's suddenly not going to reciprocate my feelings.
When you say you 'brought up exclusivity' what exactly do you mean?
gutter_trash
Banned
I'm in a bind, I have been dating this girl for nearly 3 weeks and we went out 4 times but the thing she expects me to pay everytime and never offers to help.
now for date number 5, I asked her what she wanted to do and she said....... restaurant..... again
fuck me
she never invited me over yet, she never offered to cook for me yet. For date number 6, if she doesn't invite me over, I will invite her OVER to my place because I am getting tired of going out to freakin' restaurants all the time
now for date number 5, I asked her what she wanted to do and she said....... restaurant..... again
fuck me
she never invited me over yet, she never offered to cook for me yet. For date number 6, if she doesn't invite me over, I will invite her OVER to my place because I am getting tired of going out to freakin' restaurants all the time
She wants free meals. Cut it off.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Why wait until Date 6 if you're already upset? It's going to ruin Date 5.
gutter_trash
Banned
I'm gonna ask the waiter to bring separate bills, see how that goes. LOL
ClosingADoor
Member
If it's annoying you and you don't see it going anywhere, just break it off.
Did you suggest other things to do, or are you asking her all the time? Ask her to go somewhere else. If she doesn't want that, you know where she stands.
Maybe go see a (cheap) show, just go for drinks at a bar you like, see a movie. Honestly, I find diner dates mostly annoying, especially when starting out. Expensive also depending on the restaurant. I don't mind paying for dates and almost always do, but if she is making demands about it, she should at least split it.
Don't take her to the restaurant for date number 5. Do something cheaper like ice cream.
lazybum131
Member
Hey GAF, been at the online-dating thing casually since May last year, I've been on several dates but nothing beyond a second date. Not too concerned about that, just haven't had chemistry with the ones I've met in person. What I do need is some critiquing on my pics and profile as I think they must be limiting the amount of responses and matches, so I turn to you all, and hopefully I'll get as much help from this thread as I have from the Fitness OTs.
http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=95960770
I don't really get photographed much, but I'll make the attempt to get some more based on your suggestions.
http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=95960770
I don't really get photographed much, but I'll make the attempt to get some more based on your suggestions.
davidwhangchoi
Member
congrats, i may have to get you a steam game as agreed =) glad things are going well
Just discuss it before hand. You don't have to bring up your annoyance, but be honest and say you want to change to paying halves. Communication is so important.
Holy shit I totally forgot about our bet lol