Dabookerman
Member
What's the longest anyone has been online dating for without any luck? 3 and a half years for me!
Hard to not get desensitised by the whole experience.
Hard to not get desensitised by the whole experience.
Online Dating |OT| Please Respond
- Thread starter Jhoan
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ZackieChan
Member
What do you mean by "no luck? No dates? No matches? No serious relationships?
If the first two, I think maybe you need to make some serious changes (and should have 3 years ago).
Dabookerman
Member
Don't seem to get anywhere beyond the first date. What's disheartening is I've met a few who I thought I had great chemistry with, then the communication ceases :/
Yeah, the dates that seem to go really well and then it turns out she felt differently are the worst. I'd almost rather have a bad date, those don't hurt afterwards at least.
It also fucks with your head. I had a date on friday which I thought went really well. She looked straight at me the whole night, smiling and laughing, good signs all around. Afterwards it turns out she wasn't feeling it and she even blocked me on Whatsapp the next day (like, jesus, I wasn't even messaging her anymore, but it felt like an extra slap in the face for some reason).
So then this afternoon I had another date with a new girl. Went really well again, good signs all around, but now I'm second-guessing everything because of that previous date, ugh.
So, anyway, not even kissing or sex in those three a half years? Or just no relationships? Did some of them give reasons for not wanting to see you again?
Dabookerman
Member
Yeah it really does, and leave you questioning things too much. I mean i've grown to be pretty chill, well as much as i personally can be, since i do overthink stuff, but I'm a pretty relaxed during dates. Don't get nervous during them, i'm pretty good at conversation etc and making them laugh.
No sex. Last time i had sex was with my ex gf. My last date which was about 3 weeks ago was with a girl who was really open for something casual, and she invited me round to hers, so i assumed, hey, hiatus will soon be over! But then she said how she met someone quite far away from her, and she has feelings for him, so no sex. I ended up having a frustrating burger king instead.
I did manage to kiss once on a date a few months back, but i don't think i was up to her standards overall, and chose to want to friends. Which i did try! But then she stopped communicating after that.
The whole process is frustrating. And this is it, it feels like a -process-. But it's my only option to be able to meet people.
There is a lot there that I don't like the sound of.
Online dating being your only option is a convenient lie. If you can meet a girl for coffee on a first date, you can talk up a random girl in the real world and ask her number.
Saying you think you weren't up to her standards implies a lack of self-confidence. Otherwise you'd say something like "she just thought the spark wasn't there", "maybe she met someone she connected with better", maybe even "She was looking for something I didn't have". Your goal is to think you're awesome, and any girl who doesn't want some of that is the one with the problem.
In both cases you mentioned, the girls seemed ready to have romance, but then decided to keep things platonic. How differently do you present yourself in the real world vs how you present yourself online? Pictures, conversation, flirtiness?
Three and a half years is a long time to be failing. How have you refined your approach? Perhaps more importantly, how have you refined yourself?
Does anyone have any advice for sites that will actually get responses?
I used to have good luck at least striking up a conversation on OKCupid but ever since I got back into in the past few months, despite putting a lot of effort into messages, I get nothing in response. I recently lost over 20 pounds so that got my confidence up a bit but this has been really disheartening for me.
Someone suggested Tinder to me since you can only message people who have also liked you but the only message I've gotten on there wound up being from a Porn Bot.
I used to have good luck at least striking up a conversation on OKCupid but ever since I got back into in the past few months, despite putting a lot of effort into messages, I get nothing in response. I recently lost over 20 pounds so that got my confidence up a bit but this has been really disheartening for me.
Someone suggested Tinder to me since you can only message people who have also liked you but the only message I've gotten on there wound up being from a Porn Bot.
Dating websites tend to go from busy, to slow, to busy again. Assuming that your aesthetics/pictures aren't the issue, I highly suggest fine-tuning your profile to attract a specific type of girl, assuming that she exists. Try to do it with pictures, if at all possible. I used my pictures to convey my lifestyle, my interests, and social activities. It works 10x better than trying to say it with words.
There isn't a magical dating site where every person will respond. If you aren't getting responses on either OKCupid or Tinder I would guess your profile/pictures need work. The folks in this thread will be happy to give you helpful feedback on your profile.
MrPink93485
Member
Welp, just installed Tinder and got to swiping. We'll see how this goes.
I'm thinking pictures are likely the issue. I really don't have many flattering shots of myself. I like the ones I have up but they may not be what people are looking for.
Just a rule of thumb: take pictures any chance that you get, especially if you are doing anything interesting or social. I think that the roadblock for most guys is that their pictures are terrible or don't really stand out from the crowd. If you get into the habit of constantly taking pictures, every now and then you'll get a really good photo that is actually usable.
You might want to try Bumble since I've been bouncing between it and OKC. It's like Tinder except that girls have 24 hours to message matches first and you get the option of extending one match per day. Gotten a few dates from it but none have lead to anything and got another lined up this week. My record on Bumble 1-2 with hitting it off with a girl on a first date. I've had my share of messages where girls unmatched me or stopped replying. Same with on OKC. It's normal and it happens.
I agree since most girls love to take pictures whenever they're being social/out with friends as much as possible. It's why many of the pictures they have are informal or action shots. If I'm out with a good friend of mines, I'll occasionally tell him to snap a few pictures of me. Unfortunately, I don't take any pictures when I'm volunteering at events since I tend to forget to do so. Been scouring Instagram for pictures of me at a couple of past events but it's been a pain in the ass to find any since they're probably also scattered on Facebook and Twitter.
I think for me, my hair has been a huge help since I stand out from other dudes; my main picture for both platforms is my GAF avatar. Even got 2 unsolicited messages in the past week and it's going well. Plus I regularly get complimented on it.
ZackieChan
Member
I've had a lot of matches and a few dates from Coffee Meets Bagel. More of a thing in cities, I think, but give it a try. Just a couple potential matches each day, but I think people there are more willing to meet.
Dabookerman
Member
All very fair. Thanks for the response.
With talking to random girls in the real world, that's something that I'd generally avoid doing, unless there's a very clear in for me. If there's something i can start a conversation with, then I will attempt it. I've done it twice, and they've both had BFs.. Actually one was married, which kinda blew me away for her age.
Either way, main reason for not doing it is i generally hate small talk, and that's what it would be. I struggle with small talk or forced conversations. I prefer if things happened organically.
And yup, i do lack self confidence. Predominantly with my appearance. I'm fairly confident and comfortable with who I am as a person, and that confidence only ever comes out during dates I think.
There is the issue of being brown in a predominantly white area, that can have somewhat of an affect on how many dates I'm able to get. I know I'd do better in a far more mixed environment, which is something I'm currently focusing on doing.
I can't quite work out what happened with the dates I've been on, but I'm guessing it's essentially them having the ability to be more picky.
I'm honestly not too different in person than I am online. I ask my friends if my pics are a decent reflection of me in person, and they say yes. So I trust them on that. I never got the impression that I gave a disappointing first impression upon meeting someone.
The only thing I focus on as far as refining myself, is working out to improve my confidence. Depression has been a major hurdle in that regard, but it's gone for now. So I can reconvene that. Either way, it feels like a slog, and i'm pretty convinced that a change of environment/location will be for the best.
ArgyleReptile
Banned
So...got a message after I created my profile. Like, literally one minute after I put up a pic and finished typing my about me stuff. I assume it's either spam or someone looking for a quick hook up, seeing as how their profile pic doesn't show a face, they messaged me a number, and said I could request pics...off to an interesting start if I do say so, lol.
ClosingADoor
Member
Souds like a scam, I'd stay clear of that.
ArgyleReptile
Banned
I'm steering way clear of it. I found it pretty funny though. I mean, trying to scam someone immediately after they create a profile? Lol.
Anyway, I'll probably really jump in after I post a couple more pics. Gotta say, I'm feeling pretty confident.
Well, my date from last sunday (which I thought went well) told me she won't have time to meet for the next few weeks because she's really busy. So much for that.
I started online dating in January and had some early success, but lately I'm having trouble getting past the first date. It sucks. Maybe I should just work on myself for a while.
I started online dating in January and had some early success, but lately I'm having trouble getting past the first date. It sucks. Maybe I should just work on myself for a while.
That doesn't sound like a loss to me if it went well. The law school girl I met up with last week told me she's going to be busy for the next few weeks but told me she would keep me posted. A friend and therapist suggested that I make idle fluff talk until then.
I think you should keep the banter going and text her once in a while to show that you're still interested until she's available to meet up again so she doesn't forget. I'm not saying you should blow up her phone and go on a thirsty level of aggression since I've been there and done that.
A few updates from my end: I responded to a few messages on OKC but never heard anything back and I'm not even mad. I set up a tentative date for Friday at a museum then drinks or go to a park after with one of the girls who messaged me first. I'm feeling pretty damn good about it since she's adorable and the in between texting banter has been great. I saw that she updated her OKC profile so that it's more fleshed out. There's a lot of good talking points about Boston and the Boston accent which I get a kick out of and she's a nerd which is cool. I'm pretty sure she's going to light up when I tell her about my Boston trip since she's into VR stuff.
A friend of mines who's in a relationship told me that I should message girls in the Boston area ahead of time on OKC if I want to hook up with a fling during PAX East weekend but I'm torn waiting until I'm at the city to do it or forego it altogether in favor of enjoying the moment. Probably gonna redownload Tinder and use Bumble aggressively my first night there.
Royal_Phalanx
Member
Dunno if messaging with stupid biology pick up lines was actually a good idea or not. She studied the same degree subject that I did so I thought I would ask her where she studies and throw in a stupid pick up line so my initial message wouldn't be completely boring. We mutually liked each other (OkCupid) so I should just take this as an encouraging sign because she's good looking and finds me attractive regardless of the outcome.
Made a tinder again. Put a new profile picture up which has been helpful for some reason (me shooting a shotgun lol). Matched with a girl & set up a casual 'drinks and play pool' at a local bar this Sunday. Got her number a few days ago. Turns out she was in my sociology class last semester and recognized me immediately. I didn't recognize her at all. I dunno what the shit to say to her. She seems like a busy girl, but whenever I text her she always texts back fairly quick. Problem is conversation, she isn't the best at keeping one up. I normally ask questions to keep it going, she doesn't. Haven't text her at all today. Like I said, dunno what to say.
ZackieChan
Member
Don't text too much.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Yup.
Texting doesn't matter. When you meet in person, you're not going to reference conversations in text. Frankly, I'd settle on a day-before or early on the day-of confirmation text and settle on that.
I've had great texting conversations with people who, when I meet them in person, there's just no spark whatsoever -- for whatever reason. I wouldn't waste your time with texting.
So I got Tinder the other week so I guess I'm one of you people now. That said, can't say I'm that invested in it and seems like more of a procrastination thing. That's probably a good thing I guess since people could generally go nuts if they're actively seeking the love of their lives on it. Still, I felt like wanting to meet some new people and see if I could hit it off with anyone. Anyways, here's how my match interactions have went so far
1st match - Was still messing around at this point so I ended up messaging her a pretty clever, silly ass pickup that had to do with her bio. No replies, but I don't regret it
2nd match - actually had a day long fun conversation with this girl in chat so that got me interested enough to ask her out to some coffee. Of course, the moment I do that, she proceeds to ghost me. To make it more awkward? She studies at my university and I've actually bumped into her thrice this week.
3rd match - don't really remember why I swiped right for this one so skip
4th match - I messaged her first, she replies back to me 3 days later. We talk for like 2 minutes but then tells me that she's too busy with exams to talk to me. Sure, fine
5th match - this one seems super cute but I actually haven't had the gall to message her
6th match - Says on her bio that she's 22 but the more I looked at here sole profile pic with no description, the more I realized she looks waaaay younger than it says. So unmatched
1st match - Was still messing around at this point so I ended up messaging her a pretty clever, silly ass pickup that had to do with her bio. No replies, but I don't regret it
2nd match - actually had a day long fun conversation with this girl in chat so that got me interested enough to ask her out to some coffee. Of course, the moment I do that, she proceeds to ghost me. To make it more awkward? She studies at my university and I've actually bumped into her thrice this week.
3rd match - don't really remember why I swiped right for this one so skip
4th match - I messaged her first, she replies back to me 3 days later. We talk for like 2 minutes but then tells me that she's too busy with exams to talk to me. Sure, fine
5th match - this one seems super cute but I actually haven't had the gall to message her
6th match - Says on her bio that she's 22 but the more I looked at here sole profile pic with no description, the more I realized she looks waaaay younger than it says. So unmatched
ZackieChan
Member
That post is like the Game of Thrones thread where the guy who made it just finished the first episode. You've only just begun, man. There will be lots of nonsense, but some diamonds in the rough if you stick with it.
Thanks. I may have jumped to conclusions too soon after her message. My first response was short and kinda bitter sounding, because in my mind I was sure she was just blowing me off.
After reading your reply I actually sent her a second, more friendly message wishing her good luck on the publication she's working on, and to let me know when she has time to meet. She replied, apologizing and that she wasn't making up excuses to not meet me anymore, but was genuinely very busy.
Not that I'm necessarily expecting anything might happen, but I shouldn't be burning those bridges. I'll try to keep the banter going once in a while like you said.
My pleasure! Girls that I've spoken to in the past and even currently are in college/grad school approaching the Finals stretch or have demanding 9-5 jobs that have them them working late. It's a little bit frustrating but at the same time, looking at it from their shoes, I understand why they have a hard time meeting guys given their legitimately busy schedule.
Sometimes I've been harsh on them and burned my bridges but these days, I'm a lot more forgiving and fair and accepted that not everyone is going to have as much time as me or have the luxury to work from home. Many of my friends for example work and/or are in college so if they don't respond for a while, then I understand that they're busy. So keep in mind that when sending a banter text like say a funny Click Hole article link, keep in mind that they might not respond for several hours if not for a few days and that's okay.
By you leaving the door wide open on when she would like to meet up in the future, you're showing that you're not gonna wait around like a puppy until it finally lets up but you would be open to it should it come. In the end day, if they're still interested, they'll keep you in mind and have you waiting in the wings.
In the mean time, keep your options and message/date other girls as well as continue with your life. In my case, I have PAX East to look forward to next weekend as a work-cation as well a couple of more volunteering gigs coming up between my internship work for my two bosses.
Yeah, I've been so obsessively dating lately, going on as many as three dates a week, that I forgot not everyone has time for that shit.
Like I said, I'm not really expecting anything from her, and I'm certainly not waiting around like a puppy, but I shouldn't be burning bridges out of spite.
ZackieChan
Member
Yeah, even when ghosted, I leave it on an upbeat and hopeful note. You never know!
Welp, Boston girl couldn't get someone to cover her today so that's been scrapped. She told me she won't be free next week either because she's gonna be out of town and I told her I'll be busy the week after next. I was really looking forward to it but it's not her fault.
I have a gut feeling that she's going to PAX East given that she's fascinated by ER, a bit nerdy, and from the aforementioned city. Maybe I might be wrong but I asked where she's going away to on a whim. If it turns out to be PAX, both of our minds are gonna be blown and would be kind of awkward.
I have a gut feeling that she's going to PAX East given that she's fascinated by ER, a bit nerdy, and from the aforementioned city. Maybe I might be wrong but I asked where she's going away to on a whim. If it turns out to be PAX, both of our minds are gonna be blown and would be kind of awkward.
More Tinder updates
5th Match - opted to a witty greeting but nope, got nothing back
7th Match - wow person msgd me first for a change. Clearly was a good start as we've been talking for the entire day and even continued the conversation out of Tinder chat. Even got a coffee date planned later in the week
Thing is...
There's something a little bit off about her personality from what I'm sensing. Something akin to too much naïveté or something like that. Guess we'll have to see how it plays out face to face.
5th Match - opted to a witty greeting but nope, got nothing back
7th Match - wow person msgd me first for a change. Clearly was a good start as we've been talking for the entire day and even continued the conversation out of Tinder chat. Even got a coffee date planned later in the week
Thing is...
There's something a little bit off about her personality from what I'm sensing. Something akin to too much naïveté or something like that. Guess we'll have to see how it plays out face to face.
TimeEffect
Member
Sup friends. If I upload an album of some pics of me, can you guys give me some feedback on which ones to include online? Dont care if you're m or f, though Id prefer some women opinions
What's the rule on mirror selfies? I have exactly one, but I kind of like it. Feel like it would give the wrong impression maybe
What's the rule on mirror selfies? I have exactly one, but I kind of like it. Feel like it would give the wrong impression maybe
I literally just signed up for an account on of the more popular apps. Very soon get matched with a gorgeous girl, way out of my league tbh. I send her a message. She replies right back already wanting to meet up. A skin to skin meet-up as she put it. I say sure, suggest coffee and tell her what part of town I'm at. Suggesting if she wants me to meet her close to her or meet halfway. Then she just drops her address. An apartment complex but still. So I stop to think about it and it all seems too sketchy.
Pasta_Soup
Member
Most likely a bot if the interaction was that quick. I've encountered similar matches on Tinder. Not saying a discussion can't be direct and to the point, but it sounds fake.
ZackieChan
Member
Yeah, sounds fake. Insist again on neutral ground for a meet up, then drop it and move on.
Update:
Well, it's been almost a week and pretty much got ghosted after messaging her again if she still wanted to meet up.
Kinda awkward since she went out of her way to add me on FB too
The girls who add you on FB before even meeting them tend to be crazy anyway.
Just keep on messaging new girls. Online dating is a number's game.
ZackieChan
Member
Internet ladies are strange creatures. Now you get to see check-ins on her other dates and photos of her next boyfriend. Yay?
Her FB activity is actually pretty sparse, mainly just comprised of selfies and social photos here and there.
However, one of the cruxes of our conversations was that she was into video directing/editing short films. So I decided to actually look her up on YT. Finding her channel, it's got a pretty decent amount of subs but, not-so-surprisingly, it was primarily one of those teeny-boppy vlog channels - which is a little odd considering she's well into her twenties.
I only skimmed it for a minute first time I found it, but doing a little more digging on it, yeeaaaah - I think I likely dodged a bullet perhaps.
EDIT: Talking more about compatibility - she does seem like someone who genuinely means well.
Thanks. She seems to have been deleted. Badoo seems to be mostly bots.
What are some of the recurring things you see in online dating profiles that make you shake your head because they are almost comically stereotypical at this point? I'll list some examples below. Some of these things I think people must believe they look cool or are unique, but it just comes across to me as try-hard and generic. (I'm a guy, so my viewpoint deals with female profiles.)
- Pictures taken in an unnatural pose in an obvious attempt to show off a tattoo - I see this often with inner-wrist tattoos.
- No smiling pictures at all. I get that you're trying to look sexy, but at some point it looks really try-hard. File "duck-face" photos in with this too - did anyone ever actually think this pose looked good?
- Selfies in the car - how did the interior of the car become the ideal studio for these pictures? I see it so often, yet it continues to be perplexing.
- Variations of "Beautiful Disaster" as a profile name. I swear I see like 5-6 variations of this name on every dating site. First of all, it's evident it's not unique at all, though I'm sure everyone who uses it thinks differently. Second, is considering yourself a "disaster" really a good first impression?
I'm starting to find a lot of unintentional comedy like the above the more I used online dating. I'd probably going insane using it if I couldn't laugh at things like this.
- Pictures taken in an unnatural pose in an obvious attempt to show off a tattoo - I see this often with inner-wrist tattoos.
- No smiling pictures at all. I get that you're trying to look sexy, but at some point it looks really try-hard. File "duck-face" photos in with this too - did anyone ever actually think this pose looked good?
- Selfies in the car - how did the interior of the car become the ideal studio for these pictures? I see it so often, yet it continues to be perplexing.
- Variations of "Beautiful Disaster" as a profile name. I swear I see like 5-6 variations of this name on every dating site. First of all, it's evident it's not unique at all, though I'm sure everyone who uses it thinks differently. Second, is considering yourself a "disaster" really a good first impression?
I'm starting to find a lot of unintentional comedy like the above the more I used online dating. I'd probably going insane using it if I couldn't laugh at things like this.
http://www.theonion.com/article/fun-loving-laid-back-woman-with-a-bit-of-a-nerdy-s-34395
It's still horribly accurate, especially any line involving loving to go out while also loving to spend nights in.
If I had a nickle for every dog joke I've come across on Tinder..
There's also the regular amount of high school teenagers who pretty much regret lying about their age to get into FB all those years ago.
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