Actually, do you have any tips for someone who might be interested in editing for translated works? I looked into it a little bit, and was able to find hardly anything, save for the Digital Manga Guild, which...Yeah. I assume (or least hope) that most school would have some sort of resources for help landing a job, but working towards a math major myself has obviously made them a bit inaccessible for me.
Apologies for another late-ish response. Been running around getting stuff taken care of for my Japanese interview next week and only now finally have some down time. What sort of editing are we talking about here and for what medium, though? Like just visual editing of digital images? Pretty much everything I know in that area is self-taught through a lot of trial and error and the final results definitely aren't as smooth as someone with proper artistic chops.
Still, for fun, I decided to try making my own versions of the lines you posted, based off the general ideas behind each one you got out of them and while also adhering to a more strict character count. What do you think?
The only respect you'll be paid in the game:
"As you parlay your new cohorts, the database shall update as new events transpire."
(This seems like it would have the most potential for sounding stilted without any other lines to Taylor to a uniform tone.)
Localized game lines can obviously vary pretty wildly depending on a bunch of different technical factors, although for a game like Dangan Ronpa, there tends to be a lot of empty space left over in the data image file that, when hacked correctly, can be tapped into to overcome a lot of space issues. That almost certainly had to happen with the Zetsubou Translation. Usually when I'm working in mediums with space constraints like manga, I'll draft up a translation with no length constrictions just so I can give myself a general idea of what I want the final product to look like and then hash out the finalized line once I can actually see what the text looks like in the physical space of where the dialog itself is. So the lengthiness of a lot of what I wrote is less because that would be what I'd definitely want to go with so much as I prefer to trim down too much material rather than build up from too little when I'm drafting.
Anyway, feedback time. This would be a solid way and would probably plausibly fit more easily within the dialog box than my original line. The one issue I really have with it is that the Japanese line emphasizes getting closer to the other characters, specifically referring to it as getting more intimate, so I would still attempt to maintain that aspect in a finalized line. Otherwise your version is nice and concise while still maintain the uppity tone.
Serial Killer:
"'Si Riyah Cihlar'? What kinda name is that?! Czech?"
(I tried to keep the intent behind using the katakana by making a real name out of foreign homophones.)
This does an impressive job of actually maintaining the joke. I'd have to go back through that opening part of the game to make sure there's not some greater context to how Monokuma's line originally is, but I like this a lot more than my other one. Very nice!
Ibuki on the scene:
"Name's Ibuki Mioda! That's Ee-boo-key Me-oh-nyet! I mean, da!"
"Name's Ibuki Mioda, next big thing since Depeche Mioda! Er, Mode!"
(I originally tried to make her just sound quirky, but tried to rework a music reference into the introduction.)
I like both of these, especially the second one. Realistically speaking, as much as I wish I could maintain the original structure of that joke, I'd also be very happy with something like this in the end if I were working on the game.
Thanks for the meal:
"Most people would just get some water if they were thirsty..."
(Self-explanatory and still food related.)
This would potentially work, but the context of the line is that they specifically find themselves waking up in the same bed together in the morning. The originally Japanese is kind of tricky to work with in general because the joke itself is straightforward, but the phrase itself she uses doesn't really translate, so it would maybe be one of those cases where the surrounding conversation leading up to that line would have to be massaged anyway to make the game work. Hard to say. I wish best of luck to whoever does end up working on Super Dangan Ronpa 2 because it's even more of a beast to localize than the first game in a lot of respects, ahaha.
Anyway, yeah, I like your style. As much as I often tend to but heads with them, editors aren't a bad thing to have around, so I'd say you'd do pretty well for yourself if you ever took up that sort of mantle. You definitely get what I'm going for without being able to read the original Japanese at least.
Also, do you have any comments on the official and unofficial changes in visual design for the English? I found a spoiler-free topic discussing some of the changes (on 4Chan of all places) but unfortunately only saved some of the pictures. I realize that despite the similarities between translating and typeface choice dealing with conveying language, you might not be the biggest buff on this stuff.
Going by what you said, I'm sure the official localization has the best potential for being faithful, especially since they were respectful enough of SC's wishes to keep kuma untranslated. Still, I have to say that the official type design is worse, with the first image having poor kerning and the other ditching the bitmap typeface for a generic sans-serif. Ludenburg got treated a lot worse, with the L and U being so close that they look like a W. I mean, I realize that these are the sorts of things that go by quickly, but it surprises me that they didn't send the extra few seconds to make everything look nice, especially with people now making Vita wallpapers out of those intros. In the case of the bit font, they literally could have made one themselves in five minutes in pant if they didn't want to license one themselves.
I haven't looked too closely at how each of the translations has handled the graphic design edits since that's not really my field --I keep waiting for someone to tell me off for my font choices with those magazine scans-- but I've definitely had nitpicky issues with different parts of each one. I think NISA in particular has made some potentially unideal decisions with the typeface in terms of how the debate and... I'm not sure what the official language is in English, but that showdown moment where you've pinned down the culprit and have to break down their resolve, I think they went with a pretty aesthetically poor font in addition to one that has a lot of the other issues you've pointed out.
...I would argue that it's almost worth dealing with those issues in NISA's version just so nobody has to read titles with "Super Duper" anymore because I think that was an
especially poor part of the Zetsubou translation, but I guess people find it charming in a hokey way, ahaha.