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[Toa TAK]

Directed by Kon-Tiki Helmers Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg
Written by Jeff Nathanson
Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer
Score by Geoff Zanelli
Release Date: May 26, 2017

You know at first I wasn't sure to even call this a ”spoiler thread", if anything, it should've just been a regular OT. I mean, who's really that invested in the beat-by-beat for this movie? Who cameos or whether or not it'll have an after credit scene (it'll have both). Unless there's some huge revelation about Jack Sparrow secretly being a real Sparrow or some weirdass shit, there isn't anything to spoil. But alas, this is a precaution for those people who still put black bars to cover up what is Rosebud

Spoiler

(it was his childhood)

. Ah well. Still believe in ghost stories?

In the fifth (5th) installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean series, we find ourselves on familiar shores. Once again, Captain Jack Sparrow is in the sights of an angry captain with an undead army he slighted years ago. Now he's off with a Young Adult couple in order to retrieve a magical artifact that may save him from his woes. Sound familiar? That's because these films are our purgatory. Now you're probably thinking, What's new for me? Why should I bother? Well if you're looking for a well-informed opinion as to why you should spend your ”hard earned" money for this flick that you and your bonny lass are so keen on seeing, you've come to the wrong man. However, if you're here, you're probably interested in somebody's opinion, right? So there's nothing that I could say that could stop you from going in and seeing this film retread the same ground, anyways. Again, might I add.

He has become a jar of dirt.

No waters for dead men.

Rushin' out of Egypt

Yeah, you know exactly where this is going. You see, Johnny Depp has been involved with something that hurts a lot of us. Something that shouldn't stop us from taking into account when reviewing his career. This *thing* has been in the spotlight for awhile now and ever since Depp has been looked at a lot differently because of it. No good came from it, and it showed us how much money can be given to someone or something that's so terrible. You know what I speak of:

Spoiler

How are we going to continue to let Johnny Depp get away with this? We, as a society, should hold those in such status to a higher standard. I mean, did you see this thing? Even for Pirates fans this is a low blow. How did we end up here? Poor cinematography, action choreography, dull story, new characters that just were poor (seriously, Blackbeard can't hold a candle to Davy Jones), and an after-credits cliffhanger I doubt we'll see concluded (though wouldn't that be a surprise?) Let me ask you something:

How did we go from this:

To this?

There's only one person to blame. Us (okay, that's more than one person, but you know what I'm getting at). What is it about these fucking movies that the world goes nuts over? Why were we so willing to give away a collective BILLION to such a bad movie? I mean, pirates were filthy fuckin' assholes, who wants to watch that? (Everyone it seems). Okay fine, I blame Robert Louis Stevenson for that one, but still. Should we walk the plank? Do we vote with our wallets? Cancel our pre-orders? The way I see it, we did this to ourselves. This is punishment from the movie gods for giving the Transformers films so much money. We are our own worst monsters. We deserve Pirates of the Caribbean.

Aren't Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley in this? Why are the discount versions being shown on that poster instead?

Did this series have a good reputation? Like...the Transformers series has a better reputation than Pirates of the Caribbean.

I still haven't forgiven this franchise for completely wasting Ian McShane as Blackbeard.

So, we can conclude that bringing spanish actors into the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise was not a good idea.

It was a huge shock for me growing up and realizing how mixed the reception for these movies had been

It is my favourite trilogy after Lord of the Rings.

Not counting Indiana Jones, since that won't be a trilogy for long.

And no Bloom in sight! Sign me up, folks.

Review Thread
Official Website

Well, with all that said, it's not like this ship is sinking. Not that it's stopped it before or anything.

Drink up, me hearties, yo ho.

Spoiler

You're gonna need to.

*Let's sing a sea shanty in honor of me first matey, Quick, who knows photoshop well enough for a well enough OT.

 

[SpaceWolf]

Mackenzie Crook show up?

 

[Captain Zyrain]

Seeing this in 5 hours.. can't wait. I love me some PIRATES!

 

[JimmyRustler]

Asking the real question now: How the fuck is the Black Pearl the fastest ship that successfully gets them off the island but is then later caught up by not one but two other ships?

 

[Tetsujin_MK]

Just came back from the movie.

Post credits scene

Spoiler

hints at Davy Jones' return

 

[KayMote]

Just came back from the movie.

Post credits scene

Spoiler

hints at Davy Jones' return

Didn't even stay for a post credits scene, but oh man... another return *yawn*

Only remotely outstanding scene in this entire movie was how they used the guillotine in the action sequence - thought that was quite clever.

 

[Broken Joystick]

Just came back from the movie.

Post credits scene

Spoiler

hints at Davy Jones' return

Oh fuck I walked out before this. Was it good?

 

[Tetsujin_MK]

Eh.
Just him walking into Will and Elizabeth's bedroom. You only see a shadow and briefly his hand. Will wakes up, no one is there, seems it was a dream - he goes back to sleep. Camera pans down, there is a puddle and a few barnacles on the floor.

 

[shira]

 

[Any Questions]

Think I saw upto the third one. Perhaps next crimbo will catch up

 

[Broken Joystick]

Eh.
Just him walking into Will and Elizabeth's bedroom. You only see a shadow and briefly his hand. Will wakes up, no one is there, seems it was a dream - he goes back to sleep. Camera pans down, there is a puddle and a few barnacles on the floor.

Oh fair enough.

Hope those two have a bigger role in the next one. They were sorely missed imo.

 

[iron_man]

Well surprise surprise, it was actually quite good! (in a "you know exactly what you´re getting but it wasn´t nearly as shitty as you where expecting" kinda way). It actually made me both laugh a couple of times and jump out of my seat, I´m easily frightened though....

 

[Dominator]

Didn't see the 4th one but I'll probably still check this out. I remember enjoying the original trilogy.

 

[Familienoberhauptvogel]

Saw it tonight and this movie is bereft of any originality whatsoever. The only thing they didn't copy from a previous entry in the franchise is stealing a safe with ropes tied to a bunch of horses. I wish I was joking but they made it more stupid than Fast Five did.

 

[adj_noun]

I watch these things for Rush. How is Barbossa in this?

 

[Enthus]

I'm seeing this almost solely for Paul McCartney. How many seconds is he actually in this movie?

 

[Familienoberhauptvogel]

I watch these things for Rush. How is Barbossa in this?

Like usual at first but more vulnerable overall.

 

[Tetsujin_MK]

I'm seeing this almost solely for Paul McCartney. How many seconds is he actually in this movie?

About a minute.

 

[ZeoVGM]

Yeah, the critics were wrong on this one, as the generally seem to be with this series. (Okay, maybe not On Stranger Tides.)

As someone who puts Curse of the Black Pearl and Dead Man's Chest on a fairly equal level, this falls just about up there with those two.

It was just a hugely fun time at the theater. The guillotine gag was one of the biggest laughs I've had in the series and the series went back to the memorable set pieces from the original trilogy. The whole final segment was really inventive.

The new characters were overall really good. Henry was a bit bland but certainly better than the guy whose name I can't remember from OST. Carina was just awesome. Loved her. Salazar was a really good villain. His whole backstory (and that scene in general) was pretty rewarding as I was worried he would be wasted like Blackbeard was.

The ending was a great payoff for the fans who have been watching the series since the beginning. Barbossa's sacrifice was well done though it was telegraphed as soon as the twist with Carina was revealed. That being said, I didn't expect the twist itself and quite liked it.

It really does feel like the end of the series with that ending.

Until the post-credits scene, which caused the majority of my theater to completely geek out.

Bring on Pirates 6.

 

[Snaku]

Critics couldn't have been more wrong. Easily the best since Dead Man's Chest, and almost as good as the first two. So sad that my favorite character met his end again, but I'm so hype for my second favorite characters return. Bring on Pirates 6: Do You Fear Death?

 

[Laughing Banana]

It's a fun movie.

Me and the audience in my theater were laughing quite a bit towards Sparrow's various antics. That guillotine scene as he got swung around when his friends came to the rescue was so funny.

The romance between the young Turner and the main lady was weak though. Felt like a shoehorn because you just have to hook up the gorgeous lady with the handsome man.

 

[rekameohs]

Hemlers reference in the OP; thread is a success

 

[greenhadoken]

Maybe it's just been a while and I was subconsciously craving a new pirates adventure, but I really enjoyed this movie. Set pieces reminded me of the first two movies (especially that guillotine scene) and the overall pacing and action was all really great. I was never bored watching this, which is something I can't say about most blockbusters anymore. I also liked that the ending seemed to clean up the convoluted mess of curses and magic that had been woven throughout the first four. Don't know where that rotten tomatoes number is coming from!

 

[Draper]

How's Bardem in it?

 

[Snaku]

How's Bardem in it?

Fantastic.

 

[dcelw540]

Any references to the fourth film at all? For example the end scene in the fourth film.

 

[Quick]

Any references to the fourth film at all? For example the end scene in the fourth film.

Was going to ask the same thing. Might watch it on Netflix if it's essential viewing.

 

[brandonh83]

Yep this was very good. A middle part (where they get to an island after the shark attack, get captured and... taken to a wedding) was weird and felt random and incomplete. Other than that, no issues. I liked the story a lot, Carina and Henry were better new characters than anyone in Stranger Tides, Salazar was a fantastic villain, and I loved Barbossa's exit. The last few locales were very creative and beautiful.

Would give it an 8, 8.5. Completely made up for the last one and felt like an actual proper continuation of 3. Also dat post credits scene ahhhh

^^^Blackbeard is referenced, I don't remember much from 4 as I've been trying to excise it from memory but I think it had something to do with the Peal being in the glass bottle

 

[NotMSRP]

Anyone bought the tickets through Fandango? I didn't get the coupon/link for the fanshop poster. Anyone doesn't want theirs?

 

[Quick]

Also, nice thread (as usual) Toa TAK Captain.

 

[ZeoVGM]

Any references to the fourth film at all? For example the end scene in the fourth film.

The Black Pearl is still in a bottle actually, so yeah, it actually ties in nicely.

 

[brandonh83]

Soundtrack was also really good, I liked Carina's theme which is this track, The Brightest Star in the North

That guillotine scene as he got swung around when his friends came to the rescue was so funny.

Probably the funniest bit and there were a lot of pretty funny bits. The horology gag was hilarious but they had shown that in a preview before Guardians vol. 2.

Dunno why they do that. I don't go to a movie to see five minutes of another movie.

 

[Gnilres]

Got back from the theater a couple of hours ago. Had a fun enough time. Wish there were more locations though, we spend a lot of time on Port Royal and the open ocean.

 

[brandonh83]

Got back from the theater a couple of hours ago. Had a fun enough time. Wish there were more locations though, we spend a lot of time on Port Royal and the open ocean.

I was feeling that way too, and that island they get to after the sharks was pretty pointless, they could have did a lot more with that (especially where they get captured, you feel like it's gonna be some big thing on this new island but it ends up being this out of place wedding gag) but then the last location(s) was soooooooo good.

 

[Orbis Tabula]

Clearly the guy who made the poster was trying to say "Salazar's Rachel"

 

[Gaiaknight]

got back from seeingr overall i enjoyed it i liked the ending and if it ends here everything is how it should be but if they do make another one based on the post credits scene could be interesting.

 

[ZeoVGM]

Soundtrack was also really good, I liked Carina's theme which is this track, The Brightest Star in the North



Probably the funniest bit and there were a lot of pretty funny bits. The horology gag was hilarious but they had shown that in a preview before Guardians vol. 2.

Dunno why they do that. I don't go to a movie to see five minutes of another movie.

Disney fucking spoiled the damn Elizabeth cameo in a trailer.

 

[More_Badass]

Been years since I had seen the first movie, rewatched it tonight. I had forgotten how much fun it was. Jack was such a good character, a cool blend of wily wit and clever resourcefulness.

Will be interesting to jump four movies when I see this later today

 

[Lys Skygge]

Just got back. I enjoyed it and would definitely put it above On Stranger Tides, and in some ways At Worlds End.

The story was pretty good but the direction was kind of bad, the pacing was bad, and the action scenes were bad. Pirates needs Gore Verbinski back.

 

[Jaraghan]

Got back. Thought it was better than 4, but not anywhere close to the original trilogy. Maybe because it has been 14 years since I saw the first Pirates, but I felt like there was no charm in this movie. The two new characters were pretty decent I thought.

 

[Toa TAK]

Got back from it and of course stayed until the end of the tradition of post-credit scenes.

Fans of the series should have plenty to like in this entry.

Had a good time with this one, and I wasn't the only one. The movie should have strong word of mouth if I had to base it off the audience I was with tonight. The jokes landed, the action was over the top and the film was just overall ahead of the fourth (though how hard is that, really?) The score by Geoff Zanelli was pretty good, too, when he was allowed to break away from the usual themes that have been hammered in at this point. Seeing Will and Elizabeth was bittersweet in that it was sweet to see them again and bitter if only to be reminded that I was 9 when the first one came out.

Salazar is a much better villain than Blackbeard. McShane was totally wasted in his role, but Bardem has more to work with here and is generally more entertaining to follow. I didn't mind the new blood (Will's kid and Barbossa's kid) and it was cool to see that they brought back some of the minor characters and threads of Stranger Tides here to wrap it up (except for the voodoo doll of Jack, of course). Movie doesn't touch Verbinski's three films, even At World's End, but it's more or less the quality I expected when Stranger Tides came out years ago.

And APPARENTLY, I'm not the only one here who happened to rewatch the first film today. lol I had originally put it on for background noise as I finished up the OT, but lo and behold I couldn't make it 15 seconds into it without dedicating the rest of its runtime to it alone. It's crazy to see the beginning of this series and where it's ended up with this film.

This film could nicely put a cap on the series, but I'd be down to have another romp with the Turner clan and (I guess) estranged uncle Jack. If Disney wants to keep going with this series, I'll keep going, too if they continue to be a good time as this one. Still, I miss Verbinski, but I'm sure most fans do at this point.

 

[brandonh83]

Oh who else thought it was dope as hell when that ship statue decor came alive and started attacking Jack on the side of the ship, that was sick. Damn.

 

[Familienoberhauptvogel]

Yeah, the critics were wrong on this one, as the generally seem to be with this series. (Okay, maybe not On Stranger Tides.)

As someone who puts Curse of the Black Pearl and Dead Man's Chest on a fairly equal level, this falls just about up there with those two.

It was just a hugely fun time at the theater. The guillotine gag was one of the biggest laughs I've had in the series and the series went back to the memorable set pieces from the original trilogy. The whole final segment was really inventive.

The new characters were overall really good. Henry was a bit bland but certainly better than the guy whose name I can't remember from OST. Carina was just awesome. Loved her. Salazar was a really good villain. His whole backstory (and that scene in general) was pretty rewarding as I was worried he would be wasted like Blackbeard was.

The ending was a great payoff for the fans who have been watching the series since the beginning. Barbossa's sacrifice was well done though it was telegraphed as soon as the twist with Carina was revealed. That being said, I didn't expect the twist itself and quite liked it.

It really does feel like the end of the series with that ending.

Until the post-credits scene, which caused the majority of my theater to completely geek out.

Bring on Pirates 6.

Disagree, critics were pretty on point. the movie really does painstakingly try, and fails, to recreate what made the original good.

Curse of the Black wasn't this masterpiece but it was fairly competently made. A way in which you can directly compare the two movies is how Jack was handled, in particular the mystery behind him. In the original we hear about all of these tales of jack sparrow and barbossa, how he made a makeshift raft out of hair and turtles to escape the island they stranded him on. The payoff came in the form Jack again getting stranded on the same island with Elizabeth this time and squashing that story.
In Salazar's revenge you got a flashback, there wasn't anything crafty to it, it just straight up showed what happened. Even worse they tried to retcon some desire of Jack to ask for tribute from his subordinates at every opportunity that just doesn't work chronologically with the previous movies.
Another way Jack is mishandled here is that he's just a drunk. He never outwits anyone in a fashion that only works because he's crazy. He just kinda falls into success w/o a plan.

My biggest qualms with this movie and OST is that the ships take a complete backseat to other action set pieces. 1 through 3, while varying greatly in quality, made the naval aspect a focal point. Even something as simple as a chase was exciting, given the trepidation and inevitability of an incoming fight and the stakes of it.
This movie barely had any of that, a fairly short fight between the Black Pearl and the Wicked Wench that was just the two ships smashing into each other.

On Stranger Tides is not a good movie but at least its failing came in the form of trying fairly new things.

 

[Captain Zyrain]

Loved it. Felt like a return to form for me. Felt like a nice sequel to At Worlds End. Can't wait to see it again.

It's got some dumb points, and some bad CGI in sections, but the jokes were corny and funny and it was more Pirates! Way better than On Stranger Tides for sure.

 

[Slaythe]

Ok so, here's my fan review.

I love the first movie, I love the second movie which I thought was one of the best adventure movie we've gotten in recent years, third one was a letdown but had some impressive setpieces, 4th one was a disaster.

5th one is...

A waste. A gigantic waste.

First of all, let me start by saying that the photography is pathetic, and that there is almost 0 impressive shot / scene / action sequence / set piece in the entire movie. There's like 1 if i'm generous.

That being said, it doesn't make a movie "bad" even though you'd expect Pirates to have this to make up for other potential shortcomings.

So we're left with the story, main plot, and the characters.

The main plot is absolutely awful, and full of convenience. Like "oh, so all the relevant characters end up at the same place at the exact same time, and this item somehow has magical powers that are never explained and interact with somebody that's super far just for the sake of moving the plot forward".

It's insanely cringe worthy how little effort is put into making this story logical and organic.

The other problem is that the heroes only have one goal. So instead of going on an adventure to pick up pieces or passing trials to reach their ultimate goal (like any good adventure movie), you.... end up watching them on the sea doing basically nothing for the whole movie. The only time they land on an island is for a 5 minutes joke sequence, which wasn't bad but what a letdown.

Ok so... the characters then ?

They look really good. Everybody looks great in the movie, they're all pretty, they have all aged well, the newcomers are beautiful.

Yeah that's all I have. They are extremely bland versions of Will and Elisabeth, the actors are okay, honestly nobody could have done better with this script.

Jack Sparrow : They do exactly what not to do. Instead of trying to show a different aspect of Jack and allowing the audience to breath a little from Depp (both character and actor) so that maybe we end up missing him, he is thrown in your face permanently with unfunny scenes. Not to Depp's fault, once again, the script. He does have a few cool and funny scenes overall, quantity over quality.

Everybody searches for him, AGAIN, he is responsible for everything in the world, he has people hating him wherever he goes, the problem is that the convenience issues I mentioned above makes the Jack situation insufferable.

Barbossa was alright. One big reveal hurt by convenience once again. (one chance in a million... except those happen 47 times in the same hour so you can only suspend your disbelief for so long)

Ok so now, THAT BEING SAID.

I sound really negative and really it's because I'm disappointed.

I still love the Pirates world. I still love the concept of the characters. At times, the movie really works and makes you wonder why they didn't write competently the whole time.

The reason the movie is disappointing is because it's creatively bankrupt. But that's the writers' fault. Let me write the movie and I guarantee it wouldn't have any of those problems. And I can't be the only writer that could do something great with the Pirates settings.

I feel like wrong guidance from Disney (this suffers from a lot of issues you can see in TFA, like trying to be a reboot/remake/sequel all at once and playing the same old beat, except it fails harder) and bad writers led to this.

ALL IN ALL, the movie leaves you in a place where... I feel like I wouldn't be against another movie, but it has to be good.

And they need to move away from Depp, even if they have him as last minute savior, this is fine, or have him as underdog with less screentime, anything but the constant focus on him. It's hurting the movies, it's hurting him (because we are all fed up at this time), etc...



SO, it's not an offensively bad movie, just except really bad "convenient" writing, if you can tolerate that, then it's pretty okay. A shame it doesn't have eye candy or mind blowing scenes like the previous Pirates.

I don't want this to die, because even if this one is disappointing, there really isn't anything quite like it out there.

They just need creative writers.

 

[CloudWolf]

So, does that guy turn out to be the son of Will?

 

[Captain Zyrain]

So, does that guy turn out to be the son of Will?

Yeppers

 

[Razgriz-Specter]

Jesus, I loved the hell out of this.

Honestly can't put it over DMC because of the action, music and Davy Jones but as far as setup and story goes this might legitimately be my favorite.
Absolute perfect ending if this isn't successful enough, however dat tease if it does get a sequel.

Hopefully the sequel would focus on Will and fam with a sprinkle of Jack at most.

 

[Captain Zyrain]

Jesus, I loved the hell out of this.

Honestly can't put it over DMC because of the action, music and Davy Jones but as far as setup and story goes this might legitimately be my favorite.
Absolute perfect ending if this isn't successful enough, however dat tease if it does get a sequel.

All my friends who have seen it so far have liked it. I literally can't wait to go see it again.. This time with some rum. When I saw On Stranger Tides I had to almost be blacked out on rum to enjoy it. Such a better experience this time.

Not gonna lie, I shed a tear at the ending seeing Will and Elizabeth together again. Can't believe the original movie was 14 years ago. It feels like a lifetime. Glad they got so many of the series sidekicks back too.

 

[Lys Skygge]

Ok so, here's my fan review.

I love the first movie, I love the second movie which I thought was one of the best adventure movie we've gotten in recent years, third one was a letdown but had some impressive setpieces, 4th one was a disaster.

5th one is...

A waste. A gigantic waste.

First of all, let me start by saying that the photography is pathetic, and that there is almost 0 impressive shot / scene / action sequence / set piece in the entire movie. There's like 1 if i'm generous.

That being said, it doesn't make a movie "bad" even though you'd expect Pirates to have this to make up for other potential shortcomings.

So we're left with the story, main plot, and the characters.

The main plot is absolutely awful, and full of convenience. Like "oh, so all the relevant characters end up at the same place at the exact same time, and this item somehow has magical powers that are never explained and interact with somebody that's super far just for the sake of moving the plot forward".

It's insanely cringe worthy how little effort is put into making this story logical and organic.

The other problem is that the heroes only have one goal. So instead of going on an adventure to pick up pieces or passing trials to reach their ultimate goal (like any good adventure movie), you.... end up watching them on the sea doing basically nothing for the whole movie. The only time they land on an island is for a 5 minutes joke sequence, which wasn't bad but what a letdown.

Ok so... the characters then ?

They look really good. Everybody looks great in the movie, they're all pretty, they have all aged well, the newcomers are beautiful.

Yeah that's all I have. They are extremely bland versions of Will and Elisabeth, the actors are okay, honestly nobody could have done better with this script.

Jack Sparrow : They do exactly what not to do. Instead of trying to show a different aspect of Jack and allowing the audience to breath a little from Depp (both character and actor) so that maybe we end up missing him, he is thrown in your face permanently with unfunny scenes. Not to Depp's fault, once again, the script. He does have a few cool and funny scenes overall, quantity over quality.

Everybody searches for him, AGAIN, he is responsible for everything in the world, he has people hating him wherever he goes, the problem is that the convenience issues I mentioned above makes the Jack situation insufferable.

Barbossa was alright. One big reveal hurt by convenience once again. (one chance in a million... except those happen 47 times in the same hour so you can only suspend your disbelief for so long)

Ok so now, THAT BEING SAID.

I sound really negative and really it's because I'm disappointed.

I still love the Pirates world. I still love the concept of the characters. At times, the movie really works and makes you wonder why they didn't write competently the whole time.

The reason the movie is disappointing is because it's creatively bankrupt. But that's the writers' fault. Let me write the movie and I guarantee it wouldn't have any of those problems. And I can't be the only writer that could do something great with the Pirates settings.

I feel like wrong guidance from Disney (this suffers from a lot of issues you can see in TFA, like trying to be a reboot/remake/sequel all at once and playing the same old beat, except it fails harder) and bad writers led to this.

ALL IN ALL, the movie leaves you in a place where... I feel like I wouldn't be against another movie, but it has to be good.

And they need to move away from Depp, even if they have him as last minute savior, this is fine, or have him as underdog with less screentime, anything but the constant focus on him. It's hurting the movies, it's hurting him (because we are all fed up at this time), etc...



SO, it's not an offensively bad movie, just except really bad "convenient" writing, if you can tolerate that, then it's pretty okay. A shame it doesn't have eye candy or mind blowing scenes like the previous Pirates.

I don't want this to die, because even if this one is disappointing, there really isn't anything quite like it out there.

They just need creative writers.

Well said. I agree with pretty much everything you wrote.