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[Deleted member 713885]

So, me the GF have been together just over 3 years.

When we met I was shy and didnt make a move and we drifted apart. Shortly after I met another woman and it was a few months of manipulating me. Are relationship was terrible, and EVERYONE pointed it out, but I made excuses and basically put up with it due to the constant barrage of sex she fed me.
Basically, I was in a marriage for 15 years that suffered with intimacy then met a slutty manipulative woman who could shit on me and apologize with a BJ. I was wrapped around her finger cause I drank to much and used my dick to make decisions.

So this went on for 3 months or so till finally I met my current GF and decided to end it with the manipulator.
But heres the shitty part..

I instantly left the slutty psycho and started dating my current GF, the girl I was to shy to ask out months before. But, I was an idiot...the ex would be like "Hey, it's cool I'm seeing XXX now, I'm happy your with XXX. But come by and say goodbye." And I did, and as you prob figured we had sex once or twice. The last time we ever saw each other I agreed to grab dinner and say goodbye and it ended in a handjob.
It was the same story everytime..alcohol, her with over the top dirty talk, then grabbing my dick...
(Lemme preface this and also say, I became a raging drunk after the end of my marriage till about 2 months into my current relationship.)

So as I said, I ended it right after the dinner and the handjob. I vowed never to see her again and to be with my current GF. No more games, no more being lead by my dick, and a month or two later refrain from being a alcoholic.
Only contact we've had is I accepted a phone call from her 6 months or so later. She apologized for everything she did, I accepted it, then she offered me sex...for money. I was appalled and cut contact/blocked EVERYTHING.

Now fast forward.
It's been 3 years since then to almost the day of the handjob/last meeting.

I never told my GF the truth about that first month of out relationship and my infidelity. She had suspicions, I denied them. We've bought a house and started to live together in that time.
I think shes the perfect woman, in brains and body...I had notions creeping up on me to ask her to marry me very soon.

But now, she found out her suspicions were right. She knows that first month we dated I was unfaithful. This also means everytime she asked if her suspicions were true...I lied by denying them.
I told her about the apology call/sex offer for money that happened 6 months later but now doue to my "history" of not being honest she has found out she now suspects I took her up on the offer. Which I didnt. My sexual infatuation with this woman was waaaay over by then and I'm not a fan of 'hookers'. Plus by this point I was deeply in love with my GF and would never had done or been the person I was when we first met.

So here we are. I acknowledge I was a douche bag. And yes, I should have been honest.
But 3 years in, massively in love with her all I could do was deny and try to erase the monster I was at that time. My life was in a downward spiral of alcohol and sex, honestly deeply into BDSM...which I'm not even into.
That person has been dead for 2 years and 11
months.
As for the call and not telling her, I thought it harmless and appalling but didnt want to rock the boat by letting her know my ex was offering sex for money.
To be honest, a year later my Ex text me "I miss you, I need you" and I screenshotted it and sent it too my GF to let her know. This happened again last summer and again I screenshotted and sent it to my GF. I decided that while I did have skeletons I was withholding back that after the sex for money call I had to start telling/showing/and not engaging immediately.

Yes, shes furious and its killing me. I dont think this is the end for us, but I'm scared and ashamed for what I did and who I was.
Shes my idea woman, absolutely perfection to me. Brains and body all in one and an absolute saint who has treated me better then any woman ever. As I said, I've built a life with her and marriage was my goal in the near future.

Guilt ridden so bad my eating and sleeping have been gone for almost 2 days now. She has asked me what I would do and to be honest I dont think I could continue with her.

Any suggestions on how to fix/repair the most horrible act you've done to some one you love?

 

[RokkanStoned]

Wow, I feel for you. In the end one has to have trust in a relationship, otherwise the relationship gets toxic as one person gets controlling and the other one feels trapped and start to feel resentment.

Did you officially go into a relationship during that month or was it more implied? Or more specifically, did you consider you in a monogamous relationship at that time, as in dating exclusively?
If so, there's nothing else to do but appeal to the fact that it was a mistake, but it was done at the beginning of the relationship, where a relationship is at its weakest. Then you just have to point out that suspicion is just going to make both of you miserable, and that if she wants the relationship to work she has to trust you in regards to that first month being an exception. You can tell that your lie about her suspicions were grounded in a fear of losing her and how you've been honest about the message that GF sent you, showing you at that point didn't have any intent to hide attempts at coming onto you.

Most important thing is to not blame her at least and just be honest about your feelings and acknowledge that she has every right to call you out on that douchie move. And if she views that mistake in the beginning as poisoning the rest of the 2 years and 11 months and onwards, it's probably best to split up.

 

[Queso de Grande]

Man, unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do to repair or fix this situation. You have to let it play out. But you should come completely clean and respect your gf’s feelings. If the relationship is strong it can survive. So have faith that you can make it through this hardship.

 

[Deleted member 713885]

Wow, I feel for you. In the end one has to have trust in a relationship, otherwise the relationship gets toxic as one person gets controlling and the other one feels trapped and start to feel resentment.

Did you officially go into a relationship during that month or was it more implied? Or more specifically, did you consider you in a monogamous relationship at that time, as in dating exclusively?
If so, there's nothing else to do but appeal to the fact that it was a mistake, but it was done at the beginning of the relationship, where a relationship is at its weakest. Then you just have to point out that suspicion is just going to make both of you miserable, and that if she wants the relationship to work she has to trust you in regards to that first month being an exception. You can tell that your lie about her suspicions were grounded in a fear of losing her and how you've been honest about the message that GF sent you, showing you at that point didn't have any intent to hide attempts at coming onto you.

Most important thing is to not blame her at least and just be honest about your feelings and acknowledge that she has every right to call you out on that douchie move. And if she views that mistake in the beginning as poisoning the rest of the 2 years and 11 months and onwards, it's probably best to split up.

Yes, we were official.
I was head over heels for her instantly and asked her to be my GF our first date. She was a little taken back by it like "Are you sure? People usually take a little time to jump to that." But I was instantly into her.

But, I had a bad drinking problem. Which I dont place all the blame on. Of course as bad as my ex was to me there was the tiniest bit of feelings I new were a lie.
Even when she confronted me about knowing now I admitted it but when she asked for details everything is so foggy.
My GF even knows this to be true.
That first month, the one I was a dick head, every date we had started with me ordering 2 pints. One to chug instantly, one to drink a little slower.
Every date that first month with her ended with me passing out.

So, when we werent together and I wasnt passing out at her house.. I'd drink a bottle of wine at home or a ton of beers then that's when I would accept offers to see my Ex. Its foggy, but I know it happened and admit it did.
Same scenario everytime. Get near blackout drunk, agree to see her, her make a move and me give in.

 

[WinterIsComing]

It'll take time, but hopefully she'll realize it was really long ago, when what you both had wasn't THAT serious, and then you'll have to gain her trust back. But it will take time, a lot of time.
How the hell did she find out about it after 3 years?!?

 

[switchback27]

Perhaps she already knew for a while and maybe waited to see if OP might come clean.

 

[Orpheum]

Yes there's nothing much you can do other than let time decide about what's going to happen. If she decides to stay with you it'll also take time to rebuild the trust. you need to have a mature conversation about it and until then let her cool off.

Hang in there man, i know how you feel. We all screw up sometimes but if i were her and the relationship was good until this point i'd definitely give you another chance. The things you did, you did because you apparently had a lot do deal with and couldn't grasp the severity of your decisions.

Like i said it's her move now, you can't do much aside from waiting

 

[RokkanStoned]

That you had a drinking problem, wow, surprised she even went out with you at that time. Again, either she forgives or she doesn't, it's really up to her and you can just try to be as honest as possible and say that you personally don't want the relationship to end. A good choice would be to not just talk, but to either set up a date or do some gesture that means something. Then again, if she needs space, then it's best to give her some.

Perhaps she already knew for a while and maybe waited to see if OP might come clean.

Good point, although in my opinion kind of unreasonable as well. When people make a mistake, then keep quiet about it, it's hard to actually come clean on it, especially if you're really invested in the relationship. She might've been fishing for it asking him about it, but the best option would be talking about mistakes in general, without being specific in a relaxed situation, seeing if he'd have dared mentioning it.

 

[Typhares]

If you don't mind me asking: how did she figure it out after all these years? Seems almost out of nowhere after so long.

 

[Deleted member 713885]

It'll take time, but hopefully she'll realize it was really long ago, when what you both had wasn't THAT serious, and then you'll have to gain her trust back. But it will take time, a lot of time.
How the hell did she find out about it after 3 years?!?

I kept a sort of journal online. She googled usernames she thought I might use online. Years ago I told her I vented about the girl before her online. Her suspicions, 3 years later, were still eating at her.
She found it, read it all.

I dont hold it against her that she found it. I'm glad the weight is off my chest and she got her validation.
Fucking cringy as hell tho she knows TONS of secrets/cringy things now not pertaining to the cheating.
I was angry she cyber sluthed me and read my stuff, but I think I have to give her a pass on that since what I did.

 

[Liljagare]

Trust, is going to be a big thing going forward. Easy to loose, terribly hard to rebuild, but if you are honest and open, no shady stuff, you can move forward in this.

Everyone deals with this infidelity in different ways, all of them are imho correct, because you have no clue how you will react until it happens to you, so also be understanding.

 

[Typhares]

I kept a sort of journal online. She googled usernames she thought I might use online. Years ago I told her I vented about the girl before her online. Her suspicions, 3 years later, were still eating at her.
She found it, read it all.

I dont hold it against her that she found it. I'm glad the weight is off my chest and she got her validation.
Fucking cringy as hell tho she knows TONS of secrets/cringy things now not pertaining to the cheating.
I was angry she cyber sluthed me and read my stuff, but I think I have to give her a pass on that since what I did.

Not covering your track well OP.
Honestly if I were you I would be more concerned with the fact that after 3 years she felt the need to dig this stuff up.
Like you should both have moved on completely and she should not feel so insecure after so long if everything else is going smoothly imo.

 

[Cato]

I think you just have to come open tell all and hope for the best.

You have been together for 3 years. That shows dedication.
First month, you were in a bad place, had issues, and well you still met the ex.

Tell her all. Tell her about the 2 years 11 months since you recovered and tell her your feelings, in honesty.

Tell her all and that you love her, that the last 2 years 11 months should should show for something.

Tell her all and see how the dice rolls. Hope for the best.
No matter the outcome, it will be for the best in the long run.

Good luck friend.

 

[Deleted member 713885]

Not covering your track well OP.
Honestly if I were you I would be more concerned with the fact that after 3 years she felt the need to dig this stuff up.
Like you should both have moved on completely and she should not feel so insecure after so long if everything else is going smoothly imo.

I think the issue is recently me and her were contacted if we knew any info about my ex because she is currently accusing 4 men of rape as well as being sex trafficked. She is saying that men were passing her around, making sex tapes and selling them online.
We both knew zero about it and never heard about it but the recent injection of her back into our life I guess set her back.

 

[5secondrulesucks]

i just skimmed what you said but you sound really, really white trash

 

[Yoshi]

In the end it is up to her. She trusted you when you were an alcoholic and helped you out of this situation, so it would be understandable if she would not accept this behaviour. However, it could be helpful to talk to her about how important she is to you, how she changed your life (which, obviously, is tremendously), and how ashamed you are of your previous misdeeds. Do not play it down by referencing the long time that has passed since then, because you had ample time to set the record straight.

 

[Typhares]

I think the issue is recently me and her were contacted if we knew any info about my ex because she is currently accusing 4 men of rape as well as being sex trafficked. She is saying that men were passing her around, making sex tapes and selling them online.
We both knew zero about it and never heard about it but the recent injection of her back into our life I guess set her back.

Fair enough, I mean she obviously knew you were a mess when she started things with you but I guess it's more the lack of honestly that's gonna sting for a while.
Hopefully she can move on and not hold it against you forever. If it comes back as ammo for any arguments going forward you'll have a rough time.

 

[Jesus Carbomb]

New Jersey: The Thread

 

[No Word Count]

Honestly? The mistakes were on you, as you admitted yourself. The best thing you can do in a situation like that is to move on.

It doesn't sound like you're in a good place emotionally. Lots of bad habits and self-destructive inclinations. You needtime alone to focus on getting yourself back in order and reconnecting with who you are, until you are at a point where you can feel happy and functional on your own. Otherwise those habits will likely just continue to sabotage whatever future relationships you attempt.

You need far more positive influences in your life. If this much crazy is a frequent thing in your life, you need to get away from it as much as possible.

 

[SLoWMoTIoN]

i just skimmed what you said but you sound really, really white trash

Jerry Jerry Jerry?

 

[bad guy]

How do you get around when you are drunk as fuck? Hope you ain't driving.

 

[Deleted member 713885]

Honestly? The mistakes were on you, as you admitted yourself. The best thing you can do in a situation like that is to move on.

It doesn't sound like you're in a good place emotionally. Lots of bad habits and self-destructive inclinations. You needtime alone to focus on getting yourself back in order and reconnecting with who you are, until you are at a point where you can feel happy and functional on your own. Otherwise those habits will likely just continue to sabotage whatever future relationships you attempt.

You need far more positive influences in your life. If this much crazy is a frequent thing in your life, you need to get away from it as much as possible.

This wasnt recent. It all happened Aug of 2015, so it's been 3 years.
We've built a life, bought a house etc..

 

[Darklor01]

Hope. That’s what you can do. That’s all you have the ability or right to do. Trust is built over time and the basis here is, essentially to her, you lied for years on end. She will need to decide what happens and you will need to suffer with the not knowing. Also, in the end, the seeds of the concept of the infidelity will never go alway. You will live with this over your head until the end. Best you can do is be honest, let her track your phone, send her screenshots like you have been.. etc.

Sorry, but, this is what I think.

 

[DunDunDunpachi]

You need to get some counseling together, and maybe just her with the therapist so that she has a space apart from you to digest the whole situation. Unfortunately, you broke her trust so she needs an outside party to help evaluate whether or not she can trust you again. No amount of begging, contrition, or good behavior from you specifically will be able to convince her you are trustworthy. She needs a rock that will help her sort it out and that rock is not you. Someday it might be you.

 

[NickFire]

Move forward. Stay away from the booze no matter what happens short or long term. Stay honest. Make all passwords known to her. Prove yourself through actions and hope she can forgive. If things cool off, stay off the booze so that you don't reinforce any adverse decision she makes which she may be open to changing later.

 

[Musky_Cheese]

How does she know her suspicions were true?

 

[cryptoadam]

Man I feel for you, but you also made some really bad decisions at the onset of your relationship and your current GF is in the right to feel disrepescted and suspicious of you. Put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you question her if she told you she lied about hooking up with an ex.

Bascially IMO you have to leave it up to her. Best bet is to tell her that you fucked up but moved on and only want to be with her and its her decision what she wants to do. Many people can move passed cheating it doesn't always destroy a relationship, but it makes trusting hard.

I hope it works out for you and your GF but its her decision now and she has to decide if she can trust you and live with your indiscretions.

 

[138]

Dinner and a Hand Job - Two Bits

 

[Musky_Cheese]

Dinner and a Hand Job - Two Bits

Oh fuck

 

[Wings 嫩翼翻せ]

I think the issue is recently me and her were contacted if we knew any info about my ex because she is currently accusing 4 men of rape as well as being sex trafficked. She is saying that men were passing her around, making sex tapes and selling them online.
We both knew zero about it and never heard about it but the recent injection of her back into our life I guess set her back.

The escalation here... it's...

In all seriousness the only advice I have being in a previous one with some infidelity involved is try to just accept her feelings. Especially now you probably have no idea how to settle her and the sew-in that was holding your trust cuts seem to be at risk of bursting.

 

[BANGS]

You're too old for this shit dude. Tell your woman strait up you fucked up and she can choose to be mad or she can choose to forgive. Don't ask her to stay with you if she can't forgive and forget this, because honestly in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal and she gotta get over it or bounce...

 

[Gander]

Can't sugar coat it, the basis for all relationships is trust. If she feels she can't trust you that will be a hindrance in the relationship even if she decides to move forward.

 

[AngularSaxophone]

If you were only dating and not engaged all parties should be able to let it go. You’ve committed to her in marriage. That should be enough. You are married right? Who was the 15 year marriage?

 

[Deleted member 713885]

If you were only dating and not engaged all parties should be able to let it go. You’ve committed to her in marriage. That should be enough. You are married right? Who was the 15 year marriage?

I was married before her. Then I dated my crazy ex right, then my current GF for the last 3 years.

I did/do plan on marrying her. I even bought the ring and planned to maybe ask her this Xmas.

 

[BANGS]

I was married before her. Then I dated my crazy ex right, then my current GF for the last 3 years.

I did/do plan on marrying her. I even bought the ring and planned to maybe ask her this Xmas.

I gotta ask... even as someone who is very happily married... why would you want to get married again? I miss my freedom so much, did you ever have that period?

 

[joeposh]

If you were only dating and not engaged all parties should be able to let it go. You’ve committed to her in marriage. That should be enough. You are married right? Who was the 15 year marriage?

My understanding from the OP is that they are not. They have been dating for 3 years and recently bought a house together (a whole other potential mess).

You don't need anyone to tell you that your initial actions were wrong. You seem to know that. But lying about it over the course of the relationship to this point is what is going to be really hard to get past. If it never came up until now, it would still be a problem, but easier to move on from. The stance that you 3 years ago isn't you now is all well and good, but the fact is, even as you changed over the past few years, you never came clean.

That's going to be the thing that sticks in her brain. The thing she may never fully get past. She obviously put up with a lot at the beginning of your relationship -- with your drinking and your very recent ex still looming over things (though to what degree she wasn't sure) and while she powered past that, learning that you weren't honest about it may retint a lot of that time.

You need to get anything else you might have been sitting on out in the open -- not just about this ex, but in general. That's number one. She still may not get past it, but that at least gives you a shot. If you hold out on her now, there's no coming back if more comes out.

Next, you're probably going to have to eat shit for a while. The 50/50 dynamic is probably going to take a backseat while you establish that you're trustworthy and worth staying with. Give her whatever she needs, whether that's space, more attention/communication or information.

And finally, don't forget to take care of yourself too. Do what you need to in order to make sure you don't set yourself up to backslide on your sobriety or stray looking for validation elsewhere.

Even with all that, it may not work. As someone who has been in a relationship where I lost trust for my partner, you can still love them but not be able to get past that hurt. So while you should do all you can, just know you may never get back to the way it was.