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[Dai101]

Well everyone I tried to join in in show yourself January.

Sadly i cant adjust pocs are our friends in the avatar thread are busy.

Still there is a pic of there if anyone is interested

Oh i am

Really curious, if that doesn't sound too creepy..... i really hope it doesn't.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Oh i am

Really curious, if that doesn't sound too creepy..... i really hope it doesn't.

Nah your cool Dai.

I aint going to judge an ally negativily for being curious.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Oh i am

Really curious, if that doesn't sound too creepy..... i really hope it doesn't.

Be careful, she's cute. Really, really cute.

 

[Dai101]

Be careful, she's cute. Really, really cute.

Oh....

OoooooooH

 

[Ekai]

Sorry for not posting here in a while guys. General update for me: Things are going mostly well. I get depressed at times (a good number of nights : /), mostly cause of feeling lonely. A few other general life things too but I'm mostly okay for right now. Sometimes depression overwhelms me a bit though. Trying to stay strong for my mom because of some of the life things. Been on HRT for about two months now and I'm starting to see a few noticeable effects, so that's nice!

I hate how crippling it can be. It comes in waves for me, I can be fine for a while but it can descend on me suddenly and without warning. Some days I just can't leave the house for fear of meeting other humans... like I want to get a job but I find it so difficult to approach people with my CV even on a good day. Interviews are the worst...

Welcome to the club. I though that had improved for me with transition, but in the last year it has become so bad that dating or sex are a thing unthinkable for me.

At first I used that I kept bailing out on dates because of how male I still looked... But that went away with HRT, surgery and a lot of working out and diet. Next thing was that I considered myself a freak with that thing hanging... until my genital dysphoria disappeared too. In the end I'm just too terrified of meeting new people, dating, letting myself being touched... and obviously no matter how hot you are, I will always be in panic just from thinking about sex. Heck, I could not even enter a pub yesterday because a friend had not come and getting inside a crowded place along was terrifying.

No money for therapy, and even if I had it I probably would not want to commit to do anything. I had hopes that some things would get better with transition, but except from crying whenever I saw my face or had to socially interact as a male everything's the same or worse (at least before I could date).

I hope you both end up feeling better soon! Something good will come around, I'm sure of it! And if you want to vent/talk I want you both to know you're always free to do so.

Checking in for my occasional "hi" here.

Congrats to all the peeps here who have made big strides in their lives, be it marriage, hrt or surgery. You're worth it.

My partner is expecting her letter of prescription to hormones any time now, we went to the gender clinic at the end of december and she got confirmation they were going to write to her GP about getting her onto HRT which is awesome.

It's really making me kind of envious though! 32 years old now, 33 in a couple of months and still not done anything. I keep wanting to talk to the doctor and ask for a referral to the gender clinic myself but I'm struggling at the moment, no job, no money and my social anxiety is kicking in again. But at least I can be proud of my partner

Oh, last night I dreamed I was pregnant. Yeah, it was actually a nice dream even though I was terrified of the actual giving birth part.

That's wonderful for your partner!
I wish you the best in starting your journey as soon as you can too.

I've had that dream before. I've even mentioned to a few others how I was it could be a reality but. : /

Getting married next month! We're doing the courthouse thing but there's still going to be a ceremony with about 20 people.

I've decided I'm going to wear a dress. Not a wedding dress but still something nice. This'll be my first dress and also my first dress that I wear out in public. I'm excited and also a little scared 'cause I have no idea what I'm doing. Doesn't help that my measurements are really weird (36 33 36, nothing comes in that size). I'm learning a lot in a very short timeframe though, like a crash course on being a girl. We'll see what happens.

Congratulations! I hope it all goes wonderfully.

If you were in the closet, and you knew you were going to die soon, would you tell anyone? Or would you rather people never know the truth?

I'd tell everyone, no doubt. Or at least tell those I care about.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Oh....

OoooooooH

Don't listen to Butterfly_Witch, they are way to kind to me.

 

[Ekai]

Don't listen to Butterfly_Witch, they are way to kind to me.

She has me curious now, heh.

 

[Sibylus]

Be careful, she's cute. Really, really cute.

Bombshell status.

 

[mollipen]

Sadly i cant adjust pocs are our friends in the avatar thread are busy.

I'm not at all sure I know what you're saying here, but if you need someone to make your photo into an avatar, I'd be happy to. I can do that in like 30 seconds (and I think I might have done it for you before).

 

[Dai101]

Ladies. You had my curiosity but now have my attention.

 

[Beth Cyra]

I'm not at all sure I know what you're saying here, but if you need someone to make your photo into an avatar, I'd be happy to. I can do that in like 30 seconds (and I think I might have done it for you before).

It should have said Pics, because I can't adjust their size.

Damn I was way to busy when I typed that.

I do think you where the one to do it for me last time actually. Thanks for the offer Shidoshi.

[

This is the pic I need resized.

I'll download that IrfanView for next time, unless its easy to learn.

 

[Ekai]

It should have said Pics, because I can't adjust their size.

Damn I was way to busy when I typed that.

You could use IrfanView for that. I've used it for resizing before and it's a free to download thing.

 

[Dai101]

You could use IrfanView for that. I've used it for resizing before and it's a free to download thing.

IrfanView still exists? Damn! I've been using XnView for several years now.

 

[Ekai]

IrfanView still exists? Damn! I've been using XnView for several years now.

I have a copy on my lappy which I dl'd recently. It could be that it's offline now? I'm not sure. I honestly have only needed to use the thing like 2 or 3 times but it's come in handy those few times.

 

[Dai101]

I have a copy on my lappy which I dl'd recently. It could be that it's offline now? I'm not sure. I honestly have only needed to use the thing like 2 or 3 times but it's come in handy those few times.

Well, is more the fact that when i discovered xnview never bother to check any other image viewer/tweaker. Is probably the second program i install in a fresh re-install of windows, just after winrar.
Nowadays i just use ninite to install everything, it saves a LOT of time when you do that for a living.


EDIT: Oh my. You just gorgeous girl. Wow.

 

[Ekai]

It should have said Pics, because I can't adjust their size.

Damn I was way to busy when I typed that.

I do think you where the one to do it for me last time actually. Thanks for the offer Shidoshi.



This is the pic I need resized.

I'll download that IrfanView for next time, unless its easy to learn.

Looking pretty!

For our image resizing purposes it's fairly easy to use. You just load the image in the program, go to the image tab and click resize image. Then just choose some options til you get something decently sized. That's pretty much the extent of what I've had to do. I know it does have loads of other options tho. I just haven't really utilized it much outside of image resizing. If you need to do more advanced stuff, it does have that but I haven't really spent the time to learn all the program myself.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Looking pretty!

For our image resizing purposes it's fairly easy to use. You just load the image in the program, go to the image tab and click resize image. Then just choose some options til you get something decently sized. That's pretty much the extent of what I've had to do. I know it does have loads of other options tho. I just haven't really utilized it much outside of image resizing. If you need to do more advanced stuff, it does have that but I haven't really spent the time to learn all the program myself.

KK thanks I do that somtime tomorrow.

Hopefully I never have to ask for help again.

 

[Ekai]

KK thanks I do that somtime tomorrow.

Hopefully I never have to ask for help again.

It's okay!
I could try doing it now if you like with the pic you shared. If you wanna try it yourself too that's cool.

 

[Beth Cyra]

It's okay!
I could try doing it now if you like with the pic you shared. If you wanna try it yourself too that's cool.

Ya can if you like, but really its no biggie I can try to learn it tomorrow, but I thank you if you want to give it a shot.

You did more then enough to tell me how Ekai

 

[Ekai]

Ya can if you like, but really its no biggie I can try to learn it tomorrow, but I thank you if you want to give it a shot.

You did more then enough to tell me how Ekai

Are you okay with me using imgur to share the file? Just wanna make sure before I do this.

And you're welcome! Anytime I can help I'm happy to! ^.^

 

[Beth Cyra]

Are you okay with me using imgur to share the file? Just wanna make sure before I do this.

And you're welcome! Anytime I can help I'm happy to! ^.^

Oh I don't mind you can use which ever, thank you again!

 

[Ekai]

Oh I don't mind you can use which ever, thank you again!

Of course!
Going by maximum pixel size allowed for the site for this and according to the edit avatar page it's 100 by 120 pixels.
So I did that with this. You should be able to save that image and then upload it as an avatar on here. Hopefully that works for you! If not it's just a slight matter of some more size adjustment. That said, it seems a bit small to me somehow? Yet the edit avatar page says that's the maximum size I can make it? Maybe the text about maximum avatar size is inaccurate cause some avatars seem bigger than this? Anyhoo, I hope this helps!

 

[Beth Cyra]

Of course!
Going by maximum pixel size allowed for the site for this and according to the edit avatar page it's 100 by 120 pixels.
So I did that with this. You should be able to save that image and then upload it as an avatar on here. Hopefully that works for you! If not it's just a slight matter of some more size adjustment. That said, it seems a bit small to me somehow? Yet the edit avatar page says that's the maximum size I can make it? Maybe the text about maximum avatar size is inaccurate cause some avatars seem bigger than this? Anyhoo, I hope this helps!

It's wonderful and I couldn't be happier.

Thank you!!!!!!!!


To everyone who said something kind about how I look, thank you so much.

Sense my surgery I've had serious self confidence issues and I really hate how I look, so the kind words mean a lot.

 

[Anura]

You all look very pretty!

 

[Dai101]

You all look very pretty!

Oooh you!

 

[Butterfly Witch]

EDIT: Oh my. You just gorgeous girl. Wow.

Told you so...

To everyone who said something kind about how I look, thank you so much.

Sense my surgery I've had serious self confidence issues and I really hate how I look, so the kind words mean a lot.

I'm so sorry that you've been having to deal with that but you certainly are nothing short of beautiful.

 

[AppleSeason]

So today is the day I fn ally saved enough money for SRS. And I can only say "I'm not ready to part with it yet".

I just never expected that this day would come. I imagined it would take me 4 years to gather the money, or that something unfortunate was bound to happen and the money had to be spent in something unavoidable. Or that I would lose my job.

But nothing happened and after 14 months I have it. The plan was to book a date immediately for the end of the year. I decided to gave myself a bit more time and wait until past Easter, but I find myself looking for ways to delay this. I haven't even scanned and translated the letters to english...

Maybe I am still traumatised after the last surgery. I am even remembering the worst parts of FFS, and that was just two chunks of bone from my skull. I am reliving everything. How they removed my clothes and put me on a bed, how I started crying uncontrollably while waiting, the feeling of losing consciousness and them waking up as if I had taken a beating... Then the regret, the days of enduring waiting for things to improve.

Problem is that my face related dysphoria was big enough to never have second thoughts. Now I'm missing the dysphoria as a motivator and I'm too surgery savvy to go under the knife for the third time.

 

[Team Alucard]

Has anyone ever transitioned medically but not socially? Like, started HRT but continued to present as male. Did it help at all?

 

[Risette]

Has anyone ever transitioned medically but not socially? Like, started HRT but continued to present as male. Did it help at all?

Am this sorta. Currently can't present female, but wish to in the future, and am on HRT.

It does help. But it'll be hard to hide breast development and other stuff. I get gendered female quite a bit (I guess they read me as tomboy or w/e), but that is dependent on other factors too.

It's not perfect though. Sometimes I get really upset over being stuck in an "incomplete" transition.

 

[Team Alucard]

Am this sorta. Currently can't present female, but wish to in the future, and am on HRT.

It does help. But it'll be hard to hide breast development and other stuff. I get gendered female quite a bit (I guess they read me as tomboy or w/e), but that is dependent on other factors too.

It's not perfect though. Sometimes I get really upset over being stuck in an "incomplete" transition.

With my age, height, and bone structure that shouldn't be a problem. And if breasts did become too hard to hide there's always surgery.

I've also looked into just going on anti-androgens to see if it would help at all, but that carries some long-term health risks. But still, I'd do almost anything to avoid transition at this point.

 

[Ekai]

Has anyone ever transitioned medically but not socially? Like, started HRT but continued to present as male. Did it help at all?

Am this sorta. Currently can't present female, but wish to in the future, and am on HRT.

It does help. But it'll be hard to hide breast development and other stuff. I get gendered female quite a bit (I guess they read me as tomboy or w/e), but that is dependent on other factors too.

It's not perfect though. Sometimes I get really upset over being stuck in an "incomplete" transition.

Like Risette this is me right now. I get sir'd pretty often though and my breasts haven't developed enough to be noticeable...but they are getting there. I'm a bit nervous about how I'm going to come out to people I know. Only my mom knows. It seems a few of my co-workers are pretty lgbt friendly though, including the store manager. So that's good. And I don't really know a lot of people in this area so it's mostly my co-workers and family members. People I used to know at college/high school will learn eventually when I come out on social-media but most of them weren't close friends so, eh.

That said I did get gendered female once by a customer months ago....shortly after starting hrt too so that's odd.

I am a bit wrecked over not being out yet and still working on figuring out how to work on facial and body hair. Stasya mentioned a home laser device called Tria I'm interested in looking at. So, yea, it's how I'm handling it right now but I'm a bit stressed by it all. There's also other life things factoring into that so there's that to consider.

 

[mollipen]

Has anyone ever transitioned medically but not socially? Like, started HRT but continued to present as male. Did it help at all?

I did, but I'm not my situation fit yours, since my time of being on HRT but not presenting was simply my waiting until I was comfortable to make the switch. I think I did that for like seven months or so, then went more androgynous because I had to (breasts were getting too noticeable), then like six months of that until fully making the switch.

At first, it definitely helped, because I felt like I was making progress and I can see/feel the changing happening. It wasn't long until it almost made me more frustrated, though, because I got to the point where I just wanted to make the switch already. So, I think it can be a very double-edged sword.

In terms of wanting to do that as your main goal, I don't know what to say, because I can't imagine being in that position. I think you could find different/weaker mixes of HRT that might give you some of what you're looking for without the more drastic effects, but your best solution might be something else.

 

[Platy]

With my age, height, and bone structure that shouldn't be a problem. And if breasts did become too hard to hide there's always surgery.

I've also looked into just going on anti-androgens to see if it would help at all, but that carries some long-term health risks. But still, I'd do almost anything to avoid transition at this point, barring harmful and ineffective stuff like reparative therapy.

Surgery ?

What exactly do you plan ?

 

[Team Alucard]

Surgery ?

What exactly do you plan ?

Start HRT but continue to present as male in all public aspects of my life and hope that the hormones reduce my dysphoria enough so that I can function.

I absolutely do not want to transition socially, but the past couple years have proven to me definitively that I cannot continue to live as I am now. Thus I'm looking for a median somewhere in between.

 

[Platy]

Start HRT but continue to present as male in all public aspects of my life and hope that the hormones reduce my dysphoria enough so that I can function.

I absolutely do not want to transition socially, but the past couple years have proven to me definitively that I cannot continue to live as I am now. Thus I'm looking for a median somewhere in between.

You either have very little dysphoria or you will be in some high level torture =P
HRT will increase the ma'am levels and the more you have the more the "sir"s hurt.
Also actualy paying to take out breasts would be some high level self torture that I can't even begin to compreend how someone does it.

Also ... why do you don't want to transition socially ?

 

[AppleSeason]

Has anyone ever transitioned medically but not socially? Like, started HRT but continued to present as male. Did it help at all?

Once I met one person who had SRS but kept living as a male, not sure in which hormone he/she was. He/she told me that had SRS when requirements with Suporn were more lax than now. His/her opinion was that he/she was too tall too ever be able to pass and other features would always make him/her look weird, but that SRS took care of dysphoria and was happy. Although considered trying to socially transition in a future.

I wish I had delayed my social transition, but that's mostly because I jumped to full time too soon and under very special (and not good) circumstances. I still think about detransitioning and getting the implants removed when I am depressed (loneliness post-transition is more painful than dysphoria ever was), but I could not stop the HRT. It would drive me crazy again.

 

[Team Alucard]

His/her opinion was that he/she was too tall too ever be able to pass and other features would always make him/her look weird

Thats pretty much my situation. Although no way would I ever get SRS. Bot that id even be able too if I wanted it. Pretty sure all reputable surgeons require a couple years of RLE.

 

[User1608]

I've had to delay hrt treatment by a few months. Not that I wanted to but it's the practical thing to do while I have a few lingering responsibilities left to accomplish. I really love being gendered correctly while I'm out in public. Yeah, I'm obviously trans but whatever. It feels so good and I know I'm on the right path. Shopping is fun.

.

I hope everything goes well for you. I wish you all the best. I've read a lot of your posts and think you're one of the nicer people on GAF.

 

[Platy]

Just move to North Europe .... all the girls there are tall and square faced =P

 

[AppleSeason]

Thats pretty much my situation. Although no way would I ever get SRS. Bot that id even be able too if I wanted it. Pretty sure all reputable surgeons require a couple years of RLE.

Sooner or later you would need an orchi on the long run, though. Antiandrogens can be quite nasty and taxing on the liver, specially if you are using Cyproterone Acetate or Flutamide.



SRS is on hold indefinitely for me. Ever since I had the money it's been a wake-up call for me. I'm still plagued with doubts and I've been seriously considering detransition. At first I feel like what motivates me to detransition is the loneliness and rejection i've been enduring constantly when trying to date, casual sex, etc... Like dysphoria is far more manageable and less painful than this and a serious reason to remove those implants and go back.

If I am doubting and having thoughts about detransition, it's obvious that what scares me is the fear of regret. I'm worried about having transitioned for the wrong reasons while trying to cope with another underlying problem. If I happen to not be really trans and I don't find out until after surgery, I'm well fucked. And the fear of regret dwarves the fear of surgery itself and complications, which in itself is another big one.

I don't think I can socially detransition cold turkey (and i would probably keep taking MTF HRT), but before doing anything I'd better get some support for my out of control Social Anxiety Disorder / Social Phobia. Maybe fixing that will make my life as a transwoman more bearable and keep me away from detransition, which would be the easy way out of everything.

I was not expecting to be alive by now and having to face these thoughts. One thing for sure is that I need to find a therapist that actually has experience with gender identity issues. The ones at the hospital started selling me SRS as soon as I was presenting female, and the one at the lgbt centre is more suited for families and sexual orientation problems despite trying to help me. And I don't get it: On 2014 I was depressed about having to put SRS on hold as FFS was more important. At the end of that year I had seriously bad dysphoria and was 100% sure about wanting surgery, which is why I began saving for it with the idea of being "finished" as soon as possible.

 

[Platy]

If I am doubting and having thoughts about detransition, it's obvious that what scares me is the fear of regret.

Both you and Team Alucard don't sound like "fear of regret" AT ALL but "fear of transphobia" =P

You said that what makes you feel about detransitioning is the fear of rejection, created by how people treat trans women based on transphobia. This has NOTHING to do with dysphoria and how the treatment makes you feel better, you just think transphobia is hard to deal than dysphoria.

I know that "your mileage may vary" with everything trans, but as a trans woman living in the country that most kill trans people in a long mile, transition is totaly worth it.

 

[Hella Lugosi]

Has anyone ever transitioned medically but not socially? Like, started HRT but continued to present as male. Did it help at all?

Well I'm out everywhere except for my job. But even then I get she/her pronouns from 50% of the customers and never bother to "correct" them (because they're already correct). This coupled with the fact that my boobs are becoming more obvious means something is going to give eventually.

 

[AppleSeason]

pretty much my detransition thoughts arise from a) enduring rejection because of being trans / having a dick and b) Highly dysphoric episodes where I feel like no amount of HRT and surgery is going to change what I am at the core or that I still feel like a man (BA changed this a bit).

Usually whenever I say "I should have never transitioned and I still can go back" I have to dig out for my old guy pictures and tell myself "Do you really want to go back to this? There aren't almost any photos because you could not stand to even see your own face." Once I showed and old pic to a person and I got told "You seriously want to go back? You look like you are suffering on that picture."

But now that SRS is available (more like good SRS, healthcare crappy SRS has been available to me for 1.5 years) when A) and B) happen or are close to happen they influx my choice on SRS. I used to say that my genitalia did not matter to me and I could live with anything, but now I freak out about thinking that I am not really trans and I will confirm it when it is too late and miss my penis. And to think there were times when I fantasized (during transition) about how good post-op sex would be after following people going through SRS and relating everything as if it was great

But well, I guess that if after 3 years on HRT and 2.5 of full time only a) and b) are hurting me, transition was right for me. If I transitioned for the wrong reasons right now I should be a trainwreck by now:

- I'm ok with my lowered libido not controlling me
- I socialise better as a woman and I am comfortable most of the time
- presenting too masculine / butch will make me freak out
- I was afraid of being a tranny chaser or a freakish fetishist and worried about being gay, now I don't even remotely care about my sexual orientation and pretty much I don't give a crap about gender or genitalia (if only they thought in the same way.
- I was fully aware that all my mental fucked up shit would not improve or be magically fixed with transition
- I actually improved slightly in the anxiety department. I don't freak out when buying clothes, obsess that people may be looking at me, etc.


The only thing I could not anticipate was that the rejection would be this bad.


Anyways, talked with a support association, they will give me the number for a therapist (a sexologist, to be exact) that has experience treating trans folk.

 

[Platy]

Redtube posted an interesting statistic

http://www.pornhub.com/insights/redtube-brazil

My lovely country, the one that most kills trans* people in the world by a HUGE margin .... is the one that most views "shemale" porn compared to the rest of the world.

Fuck my country

 

[AppleSeason]

If I had to choose between offensive terms, I'd rather pick "dickgirl" over "shemale". Probably both are awful, but just hearing "male" gets on my nerves.


Trans porn always makes me wonder if they are on flutamide, taking a break from antiandrogens some time before recording or they never took anything, as some show no signs of genital athrophy. I still remember the first time I tucked pre-hrt. That did hurt.

 

[Team Alucard]

Redtube posted an interesting statistic

http://www.pornhub.com/insights/redtube-brazil

My lovely country, the one that most kills trans* people in the world by a HUGE margin .... is the one that most views "shemale" porn compared to the rest of the world.

Fuck my country

Well it sort of makes sense in a very grim way. If you have more trans people working in the sex industry, you're also probably going to have more murders. Not necessarily because of an elevated level of transphobia, but from the inherent danger that is present when doing that sort of stuff.

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

sigh. I'm always being manipulated. my relationship is so toxic, yet I can't do anything about it.

I'm fucked, I want to die more than ever now. Why me? Why do I allow this to happen to me?

 

[Ekai]

sigh. I'm always being manipulated. my relationship is so toxic, yet I can't do anything about it.

I'm fucked, I want to die more than ever now. Why me? Why do I allow this to happen to me?

What's happening? *hugs*
If you don't want to talk it about in posts, please feel free to PM me. Or perhaps chat about it on the irc?

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

What's happening? *hugs*
If you don't want to talk it about in posts, please feel free to PM me. Or perhaps chat about it on the irc?

I was doing so well. Pills, getting places, starting to feel happy for once.

Then I get put on the line again. Told I have to chose etc;
Parent's wouldn't take me in, as they've dropped me out of their lives.
Now I don't have a doctor, I am incredibly unhappy. I'm depressed.

And I had to move with her, I didn't say no, so now I really have no chance at true happiness now.

Why am I like this? Why can't I just die?

 

[Ekai]

I was doing so well. Pills, getting places, starting to feel happy for once.

Then I get put on the line again. Told I have to chose etc;
Parent's wouldn't take me in, as they've dropped me out of their lives.
Now I don't have a doctor, I am incredibly unhappy. I'm depressed.

And I had to move with her, I didn't say no, so now I really have no chance at true happiness now.

Why am I like this? Why can't I just die?

Is there a helpline or group nearby that would be able to direct you to resources to help you get back on your feet?
I'm not sure where you're at or I'd help out with looking up resources for you.
Just remember that this is just a moment in our lives. I know it can hurt right now, trust me, I've been there. But please don't do anything rash. There's still plenty of life and opportunity ahead. You can have that happiness again.