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Transgaf: 'cause boys will be girls (and vice versa)
- Thread starter lexi
- Start date
Would be a case study in how to actually keep everyone sorted out properly rather than "if you're not dressed up for a night on the town you must not be trans!" though!
EDIT: I actually also wonder if the average human brain might be remarkably flexible about gender with hormones being the tie breaker and it's only a few fringe cases that are either "I needed to change from the second I had conscious thought" or "the idea of being the opposite sex is the worst thing that could happen to me." That is, only a minority of brains are THAT tightly gendered while most are flexible or have a leaning in a direction. Especially in light of the research that fully "male" and "female" brains are a minority with most being a mosaic.
EDIT 2: And for now I'll just experiment with removing most body hair. Was never the hairiest guy anyway (kind of in the middle I guess?) and it's something I'd be happy to be rid of regardless of gender identity. Especially on my feet/legs, makes sleeping with socks really uncomfortable.
AppleSeason
Member
I had to literally walk away from the LGBT centre when in the middle of the lesbian group they began talking about a certain trans topic I absolutely don't deal well with (I don't talk about my condition in public anymore). Basically I could feel all the dysphoria, anxiety and panic going up as fast as foam in a badly poured beer.
I grabbed the coat and umbrella as fast as I could, made as much distance as I could and had to wait until my breathing went back to normal. I guess now I know what "being triggered" is. I had had this episodes before and dealt with them with pills, but never so awful and in public.
I grabbed the coat and umbrella as fast as I could, made as much distance as I could and had to wait until my breathing went back to normal. I guess now I know what "being triggered" is. I had had this episodes before and dealt with them with pills, but never so awful and in public.
Team Alucard
Banned
As a birthday present to myself im going to finally go see a therapist.
I'm still 100% dead-set against transitioning and see no future for myself, but hopefully I can find some other way to manage. I would like to figure out some sort of depersonalization and get to the point where I just don't feel or care about anything anymore. I feel thats the only hope I have of living a functional life.
I won't kill myself until after I finish college next year. I owe it to my parents for them to at least see me graduate. In the meantime that gives me a chance to get my affairs in order. Ive started selling off most of my posessions and have amassed a decent amount of savings. I hope to give the money to a trans person who has a good physical foundation for HRT/transition to be effective, but lacks the finances to get the ball rolling. I feel like that would give me some small measure of joy and satisfaction before I check out.
I'm still 100% dead-set against transitioning and see no future for myself, but hopefully I can find some other way to manage. I would like to figure out some sort of depersonalization and get to the point where I just don't feel or care about anything anymore. I feel thats the only hope I have of living a functional life.
I won't kill myself until after I finish college next year. I owe it to my parents for them to at least see me graduate. In the meantime that gives me a chance to get my affairs in order. Ive started selling off most of my posessions and have amassed a decent amount of savings. I hope to give the money to a trans person who has a good physical foundation for HRT/transition to be effective, but lacks the finances to get the ball rolling. I feel like that would give me some small measure of joy and satisfaction before I check out.
This is the kind of thing that is invisible to the eyes =P
Team Alucard
Banned
Obviously ymmv with all things HRT, but generally speaking someone who is 5'6 with a slight build and softer facial features is going to fare much better than one who is >6' with massive shoulders, a huge ribcage, clown feet, and a giant skull.
So you want to give your savings to someone who barely need it ? =P
Most countries have gender clinics and public health systems that give you hrt ... So the new Andreja Pejic will do what with the money ? Buy a ps4 ?
The big person you said is more likely to do FFS, Adam Apple shave, breast implants to compensate ribcage and other things to fit the binary.
Most countries have gender clinics and public health systems that give you hrt ... So the new Andreja Pejic will do what with the money ? Buy a ps4 ?
The big person you said is more likely to do FFS, Adam Apple shave, breast implants to compensate ribcage and other things to fit the binary.
After seeing the rest of your post, please don't neglect this. Also be sure to look at the phone numbers in this thread. We all get in bad spots and worry about how we can cope with what we are given how cruel this world can be, but I'm sure you can ultimately pull through.
Team Alucard
Banned
There's still lab work, hair removal, and other expenses to account for. Transition isn't cheap even if youre lucky and dont need expensive cosmetic surgery thats out of reach for the vast majority of people.
Don't worry, im not an immediate suicide risk.
In addition to wanting to finish college the suicide clause on my $200,000 life insurance policy is still in effect for another 11 months. I simply cant justify killing myself now when I can wait one more year and leave my family with all that money.
I'd like to echo these sentiments.
Well, just that suicide is in your plans in general. I'm sure there's solutions for you to be happy. Or rather, I'd like to believe or help figure such a solution out.
Team Alucard
Banned
Thats why I plan to talk it out with a therapist. Hopefully we can figure out some sort of alternative treatment that helps, be it chocking me up full with anti-depressants, chemical castration, etc.
Paxil really did help for me, even if I wonder if I should be using a different one. I was resistant to taking any, but my situation is too crappy currently to not try them.
AppleSeason
Member
Well, you just described me, except for the height (5'9"). No wonder I am always anxious when changing at the gym lockers and thinking if they haven't noticed or they don't care.
Reached the chapter in Whipping girls about gatekeeper and effemimania... God damn it. I am never going to trust a healthcare therapist ever again. The aistory about in the beggining only letting transition the ones who could pass...
I don't know if it is me just being depressive and too negative and realistic. Prior to HRT I knew that my face was too much and I would need aggressive ffs. Still I had some hopes of her making my features a bit softer to make my face not so manly, but nope. Almost three years later and I still look like a skull with skin hanging from it. The worst part is that I don't even know if I probably have internalised transphobia or something. I know that my brain has never been on the right body, but I keep thinking that said body will always be male to me and no amount of surgery can change it. It can be altered enough that society will perceive it as female, but for me it will never be truly female. It does hurt that I can't make myself think oyherwise.
I won't say how I see SRS. It can make a lot of people enter an anxiety attack.
Team Alucard
Banned
Science and medicine just isnt there yet unfortunately. And until it is there will always be people with bone structures that all the HRT and surgery in the world can't salvage. I know my own body well enough to know it's a lost cause. I just have to hope I can find some other way to manage.
When you say that I always picture some great troll of the woods ... because I mean ... I know some pretty ogrish dudes who went full stealth
like
AND she started when she was 29 years old !
And of course, lets not ignore that we live in the world that has pretty manly women that are awesome, like Bonica Lough and the "real life chun li" Natascha Encinosa with her wide ribcage, wide shoulders and muscular arms and legs
But you must be one of those people who look at this pic and only see that she has a pointy chin (that is the easiest thing to fix with FFS and her chin is not that pointy) and not the other stuff that she has that are considered "manly" and think the only type of women that exists are supermodels =P
Team Alucard
Banned
Dramatic transformations like that don't sway me at all. Facial & body hair can be dealt with. Muscle mass can be eliminated with spiro and a caloric deficit.
Like that popular before and after of the big burly marine into a petite blonde. Looks impressive, almost magical but then you do a bit of research and find out she's like 5'5, or see a pre-everything photo of her clean shaven and realize that she actually had a pretty good foundation to work with.
Plus we have no idea what their actual measurements were/are. Photos can be deceiving.
Bone matters. It matters a lot, and it can't be changed. Even FFS is fairly limited and is more for people who just need a couple rough edges smoothed out than people who basically need a new face.
Like that popular before and after of the big burly marine into a petite blonde. Looks impressive, almost magical but then you do a bit of research and find out she's like 5'5, or see a pre-everything photo of her clean shaven and realize that she actually had a pretty good foundation to work with.
Plus we have no idea what their actual measurements were/are. Photos can be deceiving.
Bone matters. It matters a lot, and it can't be changed. Even FFS is fairly limited and is more for people who just need a couple rough edges smoothed out than people who basically need a new face.
You still only makes you sound like a gorilla or a neanderthal ...
Holly Holm looks like channing tatum, Keira Knightely has the squarest jaw EVER, Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine has small lips, big nose and square jaw and wide shoulders ....
And I should be noted that EVERYONE except the muscular transition that I am posting is CIS FAMOUS WOMEN !
And even if you want trans women, Amazon Eve is a model AND an actress and she is HUGE
What I am trying to say is that I am almost betting money that not only your body is not that "unsaveable" that it probably is much more "saveable" than most bodies here (and therefore you are fucking with everyone's dysphoria or worst) and this is all in your head because YOU don't want to acept that transition can make any effect on you for good
Holly Holm looks like channing tatum, Keira Knightely has the squarest jaw EVER, Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine has small lips, big nose and square jaw and wide shoulders ....
And I should be noted that EVERYONE except the muscular transition that I am posting is CIS FAMOUS WOMEN !
And even if you want trans women, Amazon Eve is a model AND an actress and she is HUGE
What I am trying to say is that I am almost betting money that not only your body is not that "unsaveable" that it probably is much more "saveable" than most bodies here (and therefore you are fucking with everyone's dysphoria or worst) and this is all in your head because YOU don't want to acept that transition can make any effect on you for good
Team Alucard
Banned
I'll shut up then and go away. I'm sorry.
AppleSeason
Member
I had not heard from Alana since she left the forum I was at, until recently though FB I found out that she had managed to crowdfund the rest of her transition.
I would a before after here, but I have had my fair share of problems with posting in public places. I'm not enforcing an active stealth, but I do try to keep everything from the past on a hard drive after I appeared in one collection of B-A a few images under the marine.
And btw, BA is fairlu useful for balancing wide shoulders and ribcage. I had an 87 cm underbust with no fat and I was worried that my torso looked all male.now at least you can't see the original shape. My big body issue is that all the other women at the gym look "soft" and "rounded". Since my body only stores fat at the mangut I look like a long distance runner who also lifts weight. College has a bigger priority than liposculpting in my list, though.
I would a before after here, but I have had my fair share of problems with posting in public places. I'm not enforcing an active stealth, but I do try to keep everything from the past on a hard drive after I appeared in one collection of B-A a few images under the marine.
And btw, BA is fairlu useful for balancing wide shoulders and ribcage. I had an 87 cm underbust with no fat and I was worried that my torso looked all male.now at least you can't see the original shape. My big body issue is that all the other women at the gym look "soft" and "rounded". Since my body only stores fat at the mangut I look like a long distance runner who also lifts weight. College has a bigger priority than liposculpting in my list, though.
Yup, that is EXACTLY what I said .... I just want you to have some positivity in your life ... what you are feeling now is the textbook version of dysphoria, and if there is some justice in the universe that is exactly what the therapist will tell you =P
That's good news!
Aww. Sorry that happened. : /
Gl with college!
Er.. Hello. Don't think I've posted in here before. Past year or so has been a bit of a mental rollercoaster for me. Had some revelations and acceptances with myself over the while.
Always been a thing in the back of my head for as long as I can remember, but... I just don't think I completely identify as male... not very much, at least... Never been happy with how 'I am,' nor my body... So, I had to talk to my boyfriend about all that... talked to a few people on here as well, which has been a big help.
But yeah.. Had a doctor appointment last week and discussed things, like possible HRT... they scheduled me another doctor appointment and therapist appointment in the next couple weeks or so to see where to go from there.
Hi Firehead (is that how you're prefer to be called? also preferred pronouns for now?)! I hope whatever path you go down, be it hrt or otherwise, you are able to find a good solution and be happy in your own skin. : )
Butterfly Witch
Member
Yeah, 'Firehead' is okay. I've just been going by that and my name, 'Joe' or 'Jo' for now (Though, do kinda prefer 'Jo'...), as well. And for the time... whatever pronouns, I guess? Do kinda prefer a bit more neutral pronouns at the moment, but yeah... Thank you.
Welcome to the thread!
It almost sounds like you're either neutrois or just nonbinary as a whole, which is perfectly fine.
Do what you have to do to be happy and comfortable with and within your own body, as long as no self harm is involved.
Well it's not as if either comic sans or papyrus are supported fonts so only so much one can do there.
AppleSeason
Member
Travelling can feel pretty good, not having to care about anybody recognising you. It's usually a good moment for a mini RLE test.
8 days to see the surgeon again and see if I am given a solution. I was hoping to get my implants upgraded to a bigger and better size, but removal sounds much better. I can't keep breaking down at least once a month whenever I think about them, my phobia to physical contact has worsened (specially with people wanting to feel them), and... God, these things suck for working out and weightlifting. My chest muscles have become so hyperactive that I keep having spams all the time.
Thanks for all the welcomes ^^
Apologies, just a thing I started doing a bit ago. Will ease off on the use ^^;
Apologies, just a thing I started doing a bit ago. Will ease off on the use ^^;
Have you been to Japan before?
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Japan is the kind of place where people will almost never show any dislike/disapproval to your face, and even if the country's deeper acceptance of LGBT people is pretty bad, on a casual level they're pretty accepting. Just know that, even in Tokyo, you may get attention simply for being a foreigner in the country, so don't always assume such attention is instantly connects to your being trans.
My last trip was the first time I went back since going full time, and right off the plane I had to both explain that I was trans, and that I was girls' loving it up with one of their native daughters. The result was an apology from the immigration lady for not having understood my situation quicker. So, with that kind of stuff, my advice is to be honest and explain the situation should any problem arise, and things should defuse rather quick.
I totally get the sticking out as a foreigner, though. I'm 6'2", and I was that height when I was last there. I was the tallest person at the school I attended, and was frequently the tallest or among the tallest at every public transport stop I passed through.
I lived in Japan for a few months in 2005 as part of a student program. I've already explained in a letter to my host family of a decade ago about what happened since I left the country. When I subsequently rang them (I had misplaced the phone number before finding it again), they correctly identified me by name despite my masculine voice and were overjoyed to hear from me.
I'm prepared to explain being trans to immigration, I got my passport fully up-to-date specifically for this holiday.
Sounds wonderful! Good luck!
In regards to updates in my own life:
The meeting I mentioned with my doctor went well. Seems my T count is even lower now (being already as low as it was is just astounding to me) and my E is within normal levels for a woman. The doctor was very nice too and referred to my with my preferred name and pronouns. His staff didn't though. So, yea. That went well and all, got my hormones again.
Er.. Hello. Don't think I've posted in here before. Past year or so has been a bit of a mental rollercoaster for me. Had some revelations and acceptances with myself over the while.
Always been a thing in the back of my head for as long as I can remember, but... I just don't think I completely identify as male... not very much, at least... Never been happy with how 'I am,' nor my body... So, I had to talk to my boyfriend about all that... talked to a few people on here as well, which has been a big help.
But yeah.. Had a doctor appointment last week and discussed things, like possible HRT... they scheduled me another doctor appointment and therapist appointment in the next couple weeks or so to see where to go from there.
Well hi there.
Enjoy your stay and glad to meet you
Huh. Really lame if that indeed turns out to be the case.
I think I called Caitlyn one too.Huh. Really lame if that indeed turns out to be the case.
Not sure why she was banned but that was the last thing she had posted about before being banned. : /
I don't mind if people call her an idiot. My opinion isn't the highest of her either but I already covered the nuances of my view in a post over on Letters Gaf when I rarely stop by there.
It is more common for people being banned not for the last thing they said ... because people post faster than mods can read the entire threads
Watch Da Birdie
I buy cakes for myself on my birthday it's not weird lots of people do it I bet
Duckroll actually answered this in the Gundam thread---she simply requested a ban due to family issues.
...and that's a great way to enter the thread since as of yesterday I finally told my family I'd been having these thoughts for quite awhile and might actually try and pursue them, though at this point I think going to a gender therapist (if I can find one where I live) is the best course of action since I have so many questions. Glad to get it off my chest though.
...and that's a great way to enter the thread since as of yesterday I finally told my family I'd been having these thoughts for quite awhile and might actually try and pursue them, though at this point I think going to a gender therapist (if I can find one where I live) is the best course of action since I have so many questions. Glad to get it off my chest though.
Good to know it's just sorting out personal issues then!
And I'm wondering if more and more of us have been publicly questioning rather than just keeping it bottled up due to recent events. Caitlyn Jenner really brought it to headlines, while the Wachowskis served as more respectable examples. I'd been thinking/fearing that sort of thing for forever (which I do suspect could be more indicative of a non-binary gender rather than inherently being the opposite gender) and antidepressants do help in loosening up, but there's a lot more knowledge now that didn't exist earlier (like non-binary genders being a Thing) especially compared to the 90s when we had crap like Ace Ventura's depiction.
EDIT: Actually, sorry, I forgot to congratulate everyone whose opening up on their gender. It is rarely something that's easy and safe to do even if it's just some vague questioning.
And I'm wondering if more and more of us have been publicly questioning rather than just keeping it bottled up due to recent events. Caitlyn Jenner really brought it to headlines, while the Wachowskis served as more respectable examples. I'd been thinking/fearing that sort of thing for forever (which I do suspect could be more indicative of a non-binary gender rather than inherently being the opposite gender) and antidepressants do help in loosening up, but there's a lot more knowledge now that didn't exist earlier (like non-binary genders being a Thing) especially compared to the 90s when we had crap like Ace Ventura's depiction.
EDIT: Actually, sorry, I forgot to congratulate everyone whose opening up on their gender. It is rarely something that's easy and safe to do even if it's just some vague questioning.
Watch Da Birdie
I buy cakes for myself on my birthday it's not weird lots of people do it I bet
I actually opened up to my boss who ended up being probably the single-most understanding person I've ever talked to---I felt as a lesbian she'd have some perspective on "coming out", though of course not to the same extent as me, but she's really gone above and beyond even promising to support me career-wise if that ever happens.
I feel like I have to go through with it after all she's done in making me feel comfortable with who I want to be. But, you know, right now it's all about focusing on my career to get to a position where I can ensure I'm set financially. I'd like to fully complete things by 30, if I end up going through with it.
I feel like I have to go through with it after all she's done in making me feel comfortable with who I want to be.
But, you know, right now it's all about focusing on my career to get to a position where I can ensure I'm set financially. I'd like to fully complete things by 30, if I end up going through with it.It is ok ... if you want to request a ban you don't need to see a therapist for it, just ask !
=D
....oh
Welcome !
Thank you. ^^ And yeah, guess I'm still figuring some things out, but am certain on others... ^^;Welcome to the thread!
It almost sounds like you're either neutrois or just nonbinary as a whole, which is perfectly fine.
Do what you have to do to be happy and comfortable with and within your own body, as long as no self harm is involved.
AppleSeason
Member
I had to came out at work pressured by my gatekeeper. "You want hormones? Start by coming out to work and family and have them prepared for the change"
It did not end well. On retrospective, I should have DIY'd without telling anybody while having enough time to plan ahead, instead of having the bumpiest years of my life. Not that HRT effects were ever noticeable (mini boobs, cold weather all the time,I haven't gone to beach since puberty)
Speaking of beaches, I've been wanting to go for some time. I don't like water, sand, half naked totally out of shape people, perfectly shaped women who trigger my dysphoria by making me too body conscious, cigarette butts in the sand and an overall paranoia about skin cancer, but I'm nuts about putting a swimsuit again. Just need to get a new stronger gaff because of said nuts.
It did not end well. On retrospective, I should have DIY'd without telling anybody while having enough time to plan ahead, instead of having the bumpiest years of my life. Not that HRT effects were ever noticeable (mini boobs, cold weather all the time,I haven't gone to beach since puberty)
Speaking of beaches, I've been wanting to go for some time. I don't like water, sand, half naked totally out of shape people, perfectly shaped women who trigger my dysphoria by making me too body conscious, cigarette butts in the sand and an overall paranoia about skin cancer, but I'm nuts about putting a swimsuit again. Just need to get a new stronger gaff because of said nuts.
Hella Lugosi
Member
I'm out everywhere except for my job, but I'm also not making any effort to hide it either. I get she/her pronouns from a lot of customers at this point. The place I work is a goddamn zoo most of the time and I think my coworkers are too preoccupied with other things to ask questions about why I have boobs and long hair and a women's wedding band and answer to "ma'am".
I don't feel any particular attachment to where I work though so I'll probably just quit after a while and start my next job with everything listed as female.
I don't feel any particular attachment to where I work though so I'll probably just quit after a while and start my next job with everything listed as female.
Watch Da Birdie
I buy cakes for myself on my birthday it's not weird lots of people do it I bet
I found out the place I work is like one of the most trans-friendly companies there is---though the fact it's interacting with the public makes me nervous.
The worst thing about coming out to my parents is now I anxious about keeping my feminine habits a bit in-check around them because I don't want to overwhelm them, even more than before---at work though I feel like I'm a bit looser though I change based on who I interact with as I know certain folks won't quite "get it".
What are some good ways to feel more feminine that aren't that obvious? I've been doing little things like smiling and laughing more like how I see more girls than guys do, changing up some of my more stereotypical "course" tones, and practicing a less stiff walking style---I don't think I'm ready to try makeup yet or anything like that, waiting till I get my own place hopefully at the end of the year and experiment in private first. Tempted next time I get my haircut to find a style that's a bit more androgynous but that might be too obvious.
The worst thing about coming out to my parents is now I anxious about keeping my feminine habits a bit in-check around them because I don't want to overwhelm them, even more than before---at work though I feel like I'm a bit looser though I change based on who I interact with as I know certain folks won't quite "get it".
What are some good ways to feel more feminine that aren't that obvious? I've been doing little things like smiling and laughing more like how I see more girls than guys do, changing up some of my more stereotypical "course" tones, and practicing a less stiff walking style---I don't think I'm ready to try makeup yet or anything like that, waiting till I get my own place hopefully at the end of the year and experiment in private first. Tempted next time I get my haircut to find a style that's a bit more androgynous but that might be too obvious.