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Transgaf: 'cause boys will be girls (and vice versa)
- Thread starter lexi
- Start date
Jamie xxoo
Member
Alfarif said:*hugs*
I don't know... seemed appropriate.
Thank you... it was. I am having a very tough time right now.
Android18a: you have my support whatever you decide.
Edit: Alfarif - what you just quoted was witten by Android18A, not me.
Jamie xxoo said:
Yeah, realized that a minute ago when I came back to the thread. Sorry about that, I'll edit it.
And if you ever need to just let a whole slew of stuff off your chest, I'm told I'm a good listener. That and I'm always online between my phone and my computer.
NewGamePlus
Member
Yeah, it says that, but then the quote says a quote from you because Android wrote that in because she copied it from a post on this page instead of your original post... you see what I'm saying? :lol :lolJamie xxoo said:
NewGamePlus
Member
Nah, it's cool, I understand what happened even if I can't explain it.Alfarif said:
Jamie xxoo
Member
Alfarif said:
Thanks, I just added you on MSN.
My birth certificate finally arrived today! I see what Lexi meant about seeing MALE written *right under* the name, and in my state my old name is also shown down the bottom of the certificate. Both those things can be removed after the downstairs op apparently.
Anyway, I decided to travel under my old passport after all, I called the passports office and they OKed it. I'm going to change all my IDs when I get back so I can have a better photo on them. I can even get my driver's license record changed to show female with just a letter from my doctor saying I'm undergoing treatment in preparation of a sex change operation, so that's pretty cool. Not that it appears on my license anyway, but if I was pulled over and they ran my file it would say "female".
EatChildren
Currently polling second in Australia's federal election (first in the Gold Coast), this feral may one day be your Bogan King.
lexi said:
But Dr. Girlfriend is awesome.
Motion Picture Soundtrack
Member
A bit late, but just showing my support for you ladies.
Jamie xxoo
Member
^ Thanks, MPS. Posts like that help after wandering into that thread about the Thai guy marrying two sisters with all the comments in there about thai "women", and the guy who PMed me a few days ago and referred to me as "himself".
Motion Picture Soundtrack
Member
Jamie xxoo said:
Yeah I saw that thread, it was pretty dumb but I don't think anyone really intended offense, it was just ignorance. Not that that excuses their behaviour, just that you shouldn't really let it get to you.
Jamie xxoo
Member
You're right. Don't mind me. I'm just having a bad day, or a couple of days. I'm not usually so negative. <3 for the support.
EatChildren
Currently polling second in Australia's federal election (first in the Gold Coast), this feral may one day be your Bogan King.
Just post a picture on GAF. Its like hooking compliments straight to your veins.
Jamie xxoo
Member
GAF has been incredibly positive toward me. But, I've got more issues than just my looks. I'm dealing with a lot of loss right now that coming home to this safe environment seems to have triggered off - I guess on some deeper level I've decided it's safe to fall apart here. My dreams every night have been brutal - about my ex leaving me, this guy who I loved and trusted for years just suddenly one day being distant and detached, almost as if he as replaced by someone who didn't know me. And about a suicide in his family - his sister - MY sister - that I lived through and probably have a bit of PTSD over - horrible images of the man I loved walking up and down the railway track looking for pieces of his sister that the clean-up crew might have missed, his father - MY father after 10 years of being part of that family - breaking down in the coroner's morgue and screaming for his daughter. Sitting with my ex on the guest bed as he went through the phonebook and told everyone his sister was dead, and when the funeral would be. Being alone with the coffin and saying my goodbyes. Waking up at his parent's to hear him slam the door as he rages into the house after confronting the parents of his sister's rapist. Every other night. And then I'm at a family party and she's there, and we take a walk by the lake, and she can't tell me why she left. I wake up crying some mornings, the dreams are so real, and relentless and cruel like you wouldn't believe, and they're wearing me down.
I don't get why this is happening. My ex is out of my life and has been for months - we don't speak anymore. Maybe it's because there's been no one else since him, maybe it's because... oh who cares. I feel like that's it for the love in my life, when the world just sees me as a man in disguise no matter what's in front of them, because I'm trans... maybe loneliness is just dragging it all up out of my subconscious. Just bringing back times when I had a love and so much more family.
I don't know how to talk about these things to anyone, because no-one else went through this stuff except my ex's family, and they are all a mess over it all and I'd just be wrecking them dragging it all out to look at again. I don't know how to tell someone about the life I had, or the things I lost, how to convey what they meant or how good they were. And I've DONE this in therapy a hundred times. I HAD to to make sure that these issues weren't causing the desire to transition (as a way to disassociate from everything in the past). There's nothing more to say. I don't know how to process it any more than I have. I went to grief counseling over Brenda for a long time. I had my final goodbye talk with my ex. This stuff shouldn't be hanging around.
Today I started running again to try and make myself too tired to dream. This used to work for me well just after the breakup. What's saving me right now is my baby nephew - he's such an escape, and I've never doted over a baby or bonded with one like this before. I've taken to letting him fall asleep in my arms now instead of putting him in his cot at nap-time. This little bundle of warmth and life snuggled up to me. It's the first real human warmth I guess I've felt since my ex used to spoon me through the night every night.
And then I go look in the mirror after breakfast, to get ready for the day, and despite what GAF tells me, despite getting about just fine in this small country town full of overly friendly and nosy people, despite not having been called mister or mate or sir by anyone face to face or over the phone in months - I just see this face of a man, and I want to hide. I wonder how anyone can see anything different. Then I'll pop in to my brother's cafe and mom will be there and not recognize me the second I walk in - I'm just some girl to her until she realizes it's me. Dad tells me I'm wasting my money on this cosmetic surgery. All this feedback tells me I see something others don't. I don't know if I'm seeing my past. I'm hoping this surgery will be enough of a change that I'll disassociate the image of that old face from myself. In the meantime - I couldn't feel more ashamed or like someone is about to just hit me or something for being so... I don't know.
So. I'm messed up. And usually I hold it together pretty well, but lately I'm just not strong. I think this is just something I have to live through until it gets better. But right now I'm pretty vulnerable, and little things are getting to me whereas in the past they wouldn't.
And I guess that's enough whinging for anyone. I'm sorry to dump all this self-pitying crap here, most of it not relevant to the topic of this thread, but this has been cathartic. I should re-start my old blog.
Life is pretty good. I live with people who love me, my transition is going great, I've been in love, which is more than a lot of people can say, I think my self confidence and self-image issues are going to be resolved soon, I've got good friends, I'm healthy, and Afterburner Climax has almost downloaded. What more could I want?
I don't get why this is happening. My ex is out of my life and has been for months - we don't speak anymore. Maybe it's because there's been no one else since him, maybe it's because... oh who cares. I feel like that's it for the love in my life, when the world just sees me as a man in disguise no matter what's in front of them, because I'm trans... maybe loneliness is just dragging it all up out of my subconscious. Just bringing back times when I had a love and so much more family.
I don't know how to talk about these things to anyone, because no-one else went through this stuff except my ex's family, and they are all a mess over it all and I'd just be wrecking them dragging it all out to look at again. I don't know how to tell someone about the life I had, or the things I lost, how to convey what they meant or how good they were. And I've DONE this in therapy a hundred times. I HAD to to make sure that these issues weren't causing the desire to transition (as a way to disassociate from everything in the past). There's nothing more to say. I don't know how to process it any more than I have. I went to grief counseling over Brenda for a long time. I had my final goodbye talk with my ex. This stuff shouldn't be hanging around.
Today I started running again to try and make myself too tired to dream. This used to work for me well just after the breakup. What's saving me right now is my baby nephew - he's such an escape, and I've never doted over a baby or bonded with one like this before. I've taken to letting him fall asleep in my arms now instead of putting him in his cot at nap-time. This little bundle of warmth and life snuggled up to me. It's the first real human warmth I guess I've felt since my ex used to spoon me through the night every night.
And then I go look in the mirror after breakfast, to get ready for the day, and despite what GAF tells me, despite getting about just fine in this small country town full of overly friendly and nosy people, despite not having been called mister or mate or sir by anyone face to face or over the phone in months - I just see this face of a man, and I want to hide. I wonder how anyone can see anything different. Then I'll pop in to my brother's cafe and mom will be there and not recognize me the second I walk in - I'm just some girl to her until she realizes it's me. Dad tells me I'm wasting my money on this cosmetic surgery. All this feedback tells me I see something others don't. I don't know if I'm seeing my past. I'm hoping this surgery will be enough of a change that I'll disassociate the image of that old face from myself. In the meantime - I couldn't feel more ashamed or like someone is about to just hit me or something for being so... I don't know.
So. I'm messed up. And usually I hold it together pretty well, but lately I'm just not strong. I think this is just something I have to live through until it gets better. But right now I'm pretty vulnerable, and little things are getting to me whereas in the past they wouldn't.
And I guess that's enough whinging for anyone. I'm sorry to dump all this self-pitying crap here, most of it not relevant to the topic of this thread, but this has been cathartic. I should re-start my old blog.
Life is pretty good. I live with people who love me, my transition is going great, I've been in love, which is more than a lot of people can say, I think my self confidence and self-image issues are going to be resolved soon, I've got good friends, I'm healthy, and Afterburner Climax has almost downloaded. What more could I want?
Tokubetsu
Member
Jamie xxoo said:
Wow, first time posting in the thread but I just want to say I don't think it's any small thing that you're still standing after all that. You just have to remember nothing lasts forever and this momentary lapse into dark holes will pass. Like your last bit, hang on to those little things.
Motion Picture Soundtrack
Member
Yeah, definitely try and focus on the good things. By staying optimistic you're inviting other uplifting things into your life. I'm sure you know this already though, you seem quite intelligent, and don't feel bad about having to vent, everyone has to at some point.
lowrider007
Licorice-flavoured booze?
Jamie xxoo said:
Do you read your PM's ?
Also thought I would show my support for this thread, has been an interesting read and very informative.
Jamie xxoo
Member
Tokubetsu said:
I'm not just standing, I'm doing great, really, I'm just a bit under attack at the moment, and you are totally right, it *will* pass. Thanks for the support. =)
Motion Picture Soundtrack said:
Thanks. Probably not the most appropriate place to do it, but there you go.
lowrider007 said:
Yes, and I respond to any I get. I became aware recently that some of my replies just disappear, probably due to whatever causes that "invalid thread" error every time I post a reply (I have gotten into the habit of just copying my message onto the clipboard, submitting, getting the error, going back, and pasting and submitting again. It usually works the second time. I assume this is happening to everyone?) If anyone has written and I haven't replied let me know. I probably did reply and it just got lost.
JumpJeff84
Member
lexi said:
Don't think that came out the way you intended. Or maybe it did....I dunno.
JumpJeff84
Member
Jamie xxoo said:
I PM'd you last week and never heard back. I just assumed you were intimidated by my manliness.
Femmeworth
Banned
I never would have guessed that you had been through so much and lost so much. I can't even begin to imagine all the emotional pain you have endured. I really hope your life turns around, and it sounds like it is. I wish I could say more.Jamie xxoo said:
lexi said:
Oh wow. I'd offer my services but I really don't know you that well yet. :lol
@Jamie. You have an incredibly strong will. The fact you can remain positive and stand through all that is simply amazing. All of that happening while transitioning! In the end, having a positive attitude and plowing through the hard stuff will win out. The key is to remain positive, the moment you let the darkness in, it will consume you. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. In fact I see it every day on Neogaf, both sides. Those who give in and those who plow through.
Next time I'm in Australia I will have to take you out. Or rather, you take me out and show me around.
It's things like this thread and everyone here that gives me hope in humanity.
PhoenixDark
Banned
In terms of relationships, how do you feel straight and gay men perceive you, and whether they'd want a long term relationship with you? Just curious
Jamie xxoo said:
First know that if there is anywhere you can lay it all to bare, it is here. Regardless of the overarching thread topic, this thread is about foremost about community. It's about embracing and helping said members of that community regardless of faults, both real and perceived. That love is a powerful antidote against all of the ills that the world will deliver upon your doorstep just for being who you are. Know that regardless of how big the post, how detailed, how soul-wrenching, that the people here will always support those who choose to share their stories. If you don't feel strong enough, we will be the walls to protect you, the foundation beneath your building, the bones for your skin, muscles, and veins. It doesn't matter if we've never met, nor does it matter how long we have known each other; we are all gathered for this reason. That is the reason that this thread exists.
You've known loss; the kind of loss that makes one question one's own existence. But you have soldiered on, put one foot in front of the other, and pushed through to this day. There are tangible goals that you have shared with us that you have already accomplished, and there are others that are nearing completion. These will help heal you, removing the scars from the past, and replacing them with new skin. Yet, it's the nightmares that will truly heal you. They are the test that's put before you.
Your mind, perhaps your very soul, reminds you of the past. It dredges up the memories to test your will. It makes you question every moment you are still here, every second that you draw a breath. It does this to strengthen you. It steels you against the future, creating a barricade that will help you cope with anything life throws at you. It does it when you are most vulnerable, drawing up every reserve of resilience that you have. It asks but one question: are you stronger than it? You have but one answer: Yes. You will defeat it. It is in who you are. It is the very essence of why you are here. And we will be behind you every step of that way. Because that is why we are here. That is why we exist.
NewGamePlus
Member
Nope, but if we keep talking they gotta show up eventually, right, right?Himuro said:
This has been brought up several times in this thread. It's really different for every individual. For the most part gay men aren't really attracted to transwomen, that is because we're women. It's still obviously a case by case basis though, and a lot of straight guys will say they would never date a transwomen. If history is any indicator, this is the point when a lot people who have never posted in this thread will come in just to say they would never date me. So I would just like to say a pre-emptive, "Fuck you, I don't want to go out with you either."PhoenixDark said:
I'm taking the angry approach this time
Alfarif bringing the writing skills.Alfarif said:
lexi said:
That's why we're here, Lexi. Your mental state is every much as important as the physical self you show us in pictures and video. Don't ever shy away from sharing your feelings, no matter how you think they will be perceived. If you don't think you can walk, we will carry you. If you don't think you can stand, we will be that wall you can lean against. If you don't think you can breath, we will give you breath. Use us. Never, ever shy away. Those who care will be there, and those who do not matter will fade away into nothing.
JumpJeff84
Member
Alfarif said:
And when there was only one set of footprints, that's when we carried you.
NewGamePlus said:If history is any indicator, this is the point when a lot people who have never posted in this thread will come in just to say they would never date me. So I would just like to say a pre-emptive, "Fuck you, I don't want to go out with you either."I'm taking the angry approach this time
Oh NewGame, you know I would date you if I could. You are so coy!
Eeeeeeehhhhh... *shuffles feet*
NewGamePlus
Member
That's kind of the wrong way of thinking about it. More like there are a larger amount of women that happen to born with a Y chromosome than men without one. But I really couldn't tell you why that is.Himuro said:
JumpJeff84
Member
lexi said:
How big?
JumpJeff84
Member
lexi said:
That's what I like to hear.
NewGamePlus
Member
Never seen it or anything like it really, so I can't really speak to that. I can't really be upset over any transexual not wanting to identify as such. It's pretty natural I would think. It takes an extra strong type of person to stand up and say, "Hey, I'm different, but not really." In fact, you'll notice that the frequent posters here are in transition or pre-transition. I'm not saying that's why others aren't posting, but there's not a lot, a lot to say about being trans after living normally for a few years.Himuro said:
I'm still pretty queer through and through. I guess I like women more, I'll let everyone know if that changes.Himuro said:
Hey, I wasn't talking about you, and how do you know, you don't even know me.Alfarif said:
I look at women differently, but I no longer find them attractive in the sense I want to be with them.
And well, I'm not strictly saying it was HRT that made me feel an attraction to men, but I think it certainly played a large part. I'm on anti-androgens, estrogen and a small amount of progesterone.
And well, I'm not strictly saying it was HRT that made me feel an attraction to men, but I think it certainly played a large part. I'm on anti-androgens, estrogen and a small amount of progesterone.
NewGamePlus
Member
Spiro is an anti-androgen, well a diuretic with wonderful anti-androgenic effects.Himuro said:
NewGamePlus
Member
Virtually no difference afaik.Himuro said:
NewGamePlus
Member
Anti-androgens stop the production of testosterone. Estrogen, well you do know what estrogen is right O_O. Progesterone is also a female hormone, in transwomen it tends to help breasts form.Alfarif said:
As well as other things probably, it works together with estrogen to do all kinds of things, I think
All together, they can make one's skin softer, re-distribute fat to form a more feminine appearance, reduce body hair, and reduce muscle mass. They can't change your voice or make major changes to the skeletal structure, though it does effect bones slightly.
NewGamePlus
Member
Or what the 420chan thing says.
Femmeworth
Banned
I'm currently on anti-depressants and wondering how they might be affecting my desire to transition. Of course, I doubt they would be increasing or creating the desire, but I'm curious how I will feel if I get off them. I'm thinking I should start getting off of them before I see a therapist about being a possible transsexual. Obviously, I should consult my psychiatrist, though I kind of don't trust his opinion.