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[malfcn]

Sounds like you were raped.
There aren't rape kits for men are there? I don't think they can look at your wang and determine if it was unwanted friction. Where as a vagina and be traumatized by unwanted penetration.

It is sad that it persists that only men can do the raping. As evident by the bans in this thread..

I sure as hell wouldn't go to the cops like some peope here are suggesting. What the hell would that achieve ? They 'll probably just laugh in your face.

Exhibit A. Shame and blame.
If I man is raped, he will be laughed at.
If a woman is raped, she will be blamed.

WTF, did I say anything about being raped by a male ? Of course that's real and I would never laugh with such a traumatic event. But as a hetero I find this situation with a woman and lots of booze involved very...grey.

It's only rape if it is by a man?

 

[User 100115]

Sounds like you were raped.
There aren't rape kits for men are there? I don't think they can look at your wang and determine if it was unwanted friction. Where as a vagina and be traumatized by unwanted penetration.

Just to clear it up, there is not always injury in cases of women being raped either.

 

[malfcn]

Just to clear it up, there is not always injury in cases of women being raped either.

I didn't mean to make it sound like there had to be evidence like that. It just can be one more way to mythologize the rape of a man. If there isn't evidence it couldn't have happened.

I believe there can also be cases of rape where someone willingly "consents" out of fear or pressure, right? Saying no would be worse so they go along with it.

 

[User 100115]

I didn't mean to make it sound like there had to be evidence like that. It just can be one more way to mythologize the rape of a man. If there isn't evidence it couldn't have happened.

I believe there can also be cases of rape where someone willingly "consents" out of fear or pressure, right? Saying no would be worse so they go along with it.

Of course, and being told 'not to fight' etc would result in less or no injury as well. Some women just shut down and let it happen out of terror.

Evidence of female on male rape is of course harder to get. I am sure if he had gone straight to the hospital for a kit or the like, they might be able to take DNA samples from skin contact, but yeah...

Anyhow, that's all not really part of this discussion because the OP doesn't feel like he's in a place right now to report it, which is his decision, and an understandable one. I wish the stigma didn't exist because more rapists would be taken off the streets, and victims wouldn't be so shamed into staying silent.

 

[terrisus]

I believe there can also be cases of rape where someone willingly "consents" out of fear or pressure, right? Saying no would be worse so they go along with it.

Definitely.

 

[Vitten]

I was trying to give you some perspective. He didn't want to have to sex. He stated as much. He was so drunk he was blacking out. He told her no. He said she was way more sober than he was. She proceeded to have sex with him anyway. How in the hell is that 'gray'? How is it not rape?

Perspective. He didn't want to have to sex. I assume you wouldn't want someone railing you while you were passed out drunk. Same situation. How are they different?

Ok, I'm trying to put myself in his place cos I haven't experienced a similar situation yet.
It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to.. I've had ladies coming at me that I wasn't too enthousiastic about and they could grind and tug away all they want and I wouldn't get hard. Not sure how I would react if it did happen in drunken stupor but I would probably shrugg it of and tell myself to drink less next time.

 

[terrisus]

It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to

But that is what happened.

Plus, it doesn't even have to be "that you didn't want to," it could be "that you didn't consent to."

Either way, it's rape.

Not sure how I would react if it did happen in drunken stupor but I would probably shrugg it of and tell myself to drink less next time.

So you would shrug off being raped, and blame yourself?

It's still rape.

 

[Yagharek]

Ok, I'm trying to put myself in his place cos I haven't experienced a similar situation yet.
It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to.. I've had ladies coming at me that I wasn't too enthousiastic about and they could grind and tug away all they want and I wouldn't get hard. Not sure how I would react if it did happen in drunken stupor but I would probably shrugg it of and tell myself to drink less next time.

You havent been in that position; neither have I. I dont know how I would feel/react, and you can't say for certain how you would feel until, god forbid, it ever happened to you.

It comes down to the fight or flight response in some ways. Or instinctive reactions. And part of the trauma for rape victims comes from replaying the event over and comparing how they would ideally have liked to react, versus how they actually did react in the situation (if indeed it would have made a difference).

I think there have been a few posts this thread where people have alluded to having experienced it and not known how they felt then, or even now. Which makes me extremely hesitant to claim that I know how I would react, because I probably dont and not many people do.

It's unrealistic and unfair to hold someone to some standards as to how they should react (not to say that you are suggesting this, but some others have).

 

[User 100115]

Ok, I'm trying to put myself in his place cos I haven't experienced a similar situation yet.
It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to.. I've had ladies coming at me that I wasn't too enthousiastic about and they could grind and tug away all they want and I wouldn't get hard. Not sure how I would react if it did happen in drunken stupor but I would probably shrugg it of and tell myself to drink less next time.

You've never in your life had an unwanted erection? It happens quite a bit to men. Stimulation can and does provoke a reaction. Hell, men being raped by other men have had orgasms, same as women. Men can and do get raped by women, and the reason the victims of such things are so unwilling to come forward is because of attitudes like yours; that men can't be raped, that an erection is automatic consent, that drinking too much means anyone can do anything they want with your body and you'll just write it off as 'welp, I drank too much, silly me!'

Again, using the analogy of the large male raping you, prostate stimulation in that situation could very well cause you to become erect as well, maybe even reach completion. If that happened to you while you were drunk, would you just shrug it off and say you shouldn't have drank so much?

 

[Mysterious]

A preventative device. In this context, a condom. Which was removed.

It was?

 

[Yagharek]

It was?

It was, according to the OP.

 

[Vitten]

So you would shrug off being raped, and blame yourself?

It's still rape.

In a stuation like the OP with a woman and both drunk than yes, I would shrug it off. It might be considered rape by law but different strokes for different folks I guess.

 

[Kelthink]

Ok, I'm trying to put myself in his place cos I haven't experienced a similar situation yet.
It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to.. I've had ladies coming at me that I wasn't too enthousiastic about and they could grind and tug away all they want and I wouldn't get hard. Not sure how I would react if it did happen in drunken stupor but I would probably shrugg it of and tell myself to drink less next time.

Is this a real post?

 

[TheContact]

In a stuation like the OP with a woman and both drunk than yes, I would shrug it off. It might be considered rape by law but different strokes for different folks I guess.

Don't you know what No means? If you're drunk with a girl and she says no and you have sex anyway that's still rape....No means no, doesn't matter if you're drugged, drunk, whatever. It's certainly not the OPs fault, he said no and the girl was conscious enough to respect his decision but she did it anyway and apologized for it in the morning

 

[User 100115]

In a stuation like the OP with a woman and both drunk than yes, I would shrug it off. It might be considered rape by law but different strokes for different folks I guess.

Here's what you aren't getting: It's not 'considered' rape. It IS rape. Someone having sex with you against your will is rape. The OP said no, and kept passing out drunk, and she had sex with him anyway. That is rape. No 'gray area'. No 'well they were both drunk'. No shrugging it off because you are a 'better person' or some shit.

Does make me wonder though: As the post above me says, if you were kinda drunk and with a girl who was passing out drunk and saying no, would you have sex with her anyway? Because that's rape too.

 

[tuna on toast]

I really want to say, thank you mods for being top notch in this thread. The only way we can change social attitudes on this shit is to show people how wrong it is. You guys are doing awesome.

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

 

[Wazzy]

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

I'm all for educating people but the sheer ignorance and offensive attitudes displayed in these threads happens far too often with no consequences.

Male rape is constantly treated like a joke and if we're going to have moderation on a forum, then serious and offensive comments displayed by people in these threads should be banned.

I don't think it's our obligation to educate idiots posting "lol congratz on sex" either.

 

[Black-Wind]

Yuuuup, sounds like Rape OP.

I say report it.

No telling wtf she did with the condom. Could be trying to get herself pregs. Could be collecting semen for a friend who wants a baby. Could smear it on some panties, have a friend bash her up a bit and try to use it as proof that you raped her if she decides to extort you for cash.

I think reporting it would be the best route ... aint even gotta make a whole case outta it, just to show that you told officials this shit went down.

 

[notBald]

It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to.. I've had ladies coming at me that I wasn't too enthousiastic about and they could grind and tug away all they want and I wouldn't get hard.

Being touched against your will is no turn on, but anyone can get you hard by massaging your dick. You see that dick of yours doesn't give a shit about what the brain is thinking, or even if it's awake. Start tugging it and it goes erect, one of those reflexes.

Unfortunately many girls, and men for that matter, thinks hard = consent. Better education here could make a big difference.

 

[DrFurbs]

But it it really rape? Technically yes but I'm not convinced otherwise. I mean if you were really disturbed about it the police should have been your first point of call.. Not GAF.

I'm not sure.

 

[Timedog]

The fact that there are so many responses of "hrmmm, maybe, kind of, sort of, possibly was rape" is very troubling and a confirmation of the idea of rape culture. This is obvious rape.

But it it really rape? Technically yes but

There's no "but".

 

[Wazzy]

Yeah, I don't know what's happening in the time frame I specified then. Maybe it was just put in for comedic effect? I can't tell what the difference is.

I think it was just a comedic little touch showing a reaction to enthusiastic consent. Especially because it's not really classified as silence since the music is playing.

 

[User 100115]

But it it really rape? Technically yes but I'm not convinced otherwise. I mean if you were really disturbed about it the police should have been your first point of call.. Not GAF.

I'm not sure.

The majority of rapes go unreported because of shame and fear. It's the OPs decision if he wants to report it or not, but I never blame anyone who doesn't want to go through the shit rape victims get put through when they report. Educated yourself a bit. Yes it was really rape. He said no, was blackout drunk, and she had sex with him anyways. How is that not rape?

 

[Riddick]

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

It also makes the forum fucking boring. As a progressive I rarely have anything political to discuss here since it's usually a circlejerk of people agreeing with each other or arguing about semantics.

 

[Owlowiscious]

I think it was just a comedic little touch showing a reaction to enthusiastic consent. Especially because it's not really classified as silence since the music is playing.

Ok, instead of taking it exactly for what is seena nd heard, I'll take it as knowing your partner to understand that what they are doing is enthusiastic consent. In the no version, you can see she's trying to portray a lack of enthusiasm. Thanks for clearing that up.

 

[Wazzy]

But it it really rape? Technically yes but I'm not convinced otherwise. I mean if you were really disturbed about it the police should have been your first point of call.. Not GAF.

I'm not sure.

Many rapes cases go unreported due to many reasons. Victims feel ashamed, try to ignore it and are too scared to report from stigma's of lying and in the case of men, not being treated seriously.

 

[.GqueB.]

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

Eh. It's kind of touchy and depends on the mod. Vitten kind of slipped through the cracks and wasn't banned but many were sent packing for making similar comments. But it lead to some nice conversation and he seems genuinely curious about the situation which makes me kind of agree with what you're saying.

But at the same time, comments like "congrats on the sex" are just annoying. Not only is it insensitive, it's just lazy. Double offense.

 

[Vitten]

Here's what you aren't getting: It's not 'considered' rape. It IS rape. Someone having sex with you against your will is rape. The OP said no, and kept passing out drunk, and she had sex with him anyway. That is rape. No 'gray area'. No 'well they were both drunk'. No shrugging it off because you are a 'better person' or some shit.

Does make me wonder though: As the post above me says, if you were kinda drunk and with a girl who was passing out drunk and saying no, would you have sex with her anyway? Because that's rape too.

No, I would not have sex with a passed out girl. Can't imagine it being much fun anyway..
And okay I understand that's it rape. But it's not the kind I would personally fret over but that's just me.

 

[User 100115]

No, I would not have sex with a passed out girl. Can't imagine it being much fun anyway..
And okay I understand that's it rape. But it's not the kind I would personally fret over but that's just me.

Actually, you have no idea if you would 'fret' about it or not because it hasn't happened to you. Also, fret? You are acting like this is some silly little thing to be upset about. It's fucking rape. Just because you can't imagine it happening to you and therefore think you are above it doesn't mean you can be so dismissive of someone else for being upset over it.

 

[Wazzy]

No, I would not have sex with a passed out girl. Can't imagine it being much fun anyway..
And okay I understand that's it rape. But it's not the kind I would personally fret over but that's just me.

What if she didn't use a condom?

What if you then started thinking she had an STD?

What if she got pregnant?

There is plenty of things a male rape victim has to worry about that don't even just necessarily involve the act. But even ignoring the above, just because YOU don't think you would be bothered doesn't mean you should be approaching this with your feelings. Understand that everyone reacts to things differently and the topic of rape is a serious one and therefore you need to show some empathy.

 

[Zelias]

Nothing really to add except that, yep, this is a textbook case of rape.

Sorry to hear about this OP. My sympathies, can't even imagine what you're going through right now.

 

[Legendarybeepa]

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

I kind of agree with this. If you say something so idiotic about a highly emotive subject such as this, you should be criticised for it and perhaps even ridiculed. This would put pressure on the member to respond/defend comment or just leave the thread and suffer a poor reputation on the forum. Just banning them seems to be too much of a let off.

On the other hand, posting hurtful and cruel comments should really be dealt with properly...so..I don't know lol.

Basically, I have found this thread extremely enlightening and some posters have really made me think about these issues in a way I never really have before, so thanks. Most of all, sorry to the OP. I hope things work out.

 

[JensenBeeswax]

Sorry this happened to you. And of course it was rape. Reverse the roles and you'd be locked in a cage like an animal right now.

I wouldn't know what to do with myself right now if I were you. Definitely talk to someone. And I guess I would avoid the girl for the time being.

 

[HUELEN10]

WTF, did I say anything about being raped by a male ? Of course that's real and I would never laugh with such a traumatic event. But as a hetero I find this situation with a woman and lots of booze involved very...grey.

Why would being violated by a woman any less traumatic?

I'm sorry, this is personal, and it's this shit that makes recovery hard and helps you to know who you're real friends are. A violation is a violation, no need to be sexist about it. It should be seen as violator and victim, not "well, she's a girl, but I'd understand if it was a guy".

I mean, good god, it's not hard to understand!

 

[MooseKnuckles]

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

I think there is a pretty big divide between a 'misguided comment' and someone literally making a joke out of the rape of another poster (the 'congrats on the sex' bullshit). The other bans seem to be mostly related to victim blaming and people going out of their way to doubt the OP in what is clearly a very difficult time.

Having a discourse in which people don't have to worry about being shamed or insulted about being victimized allows them to share and discuss difficult experiences. I'd say that can do a lot more to change social attitudes than allowing a few morons to spout 'but why'd your dick get hard' nonsense.

To the OP, I'm very sorry that this happened to you. I don't have any experience with these kinds of situations, but if you feel up to it I would definitely start talking to someone about it, and look into some counselling.

 

[Crash Station]

No, I would not have sex with a passed out girl. Can't imagine it being much fun anyway..
And okay I understand that's it rape. But it's not the kind I would personally fret over but that's just me.

Perhaps you wouldn't, or perhaps you'd feel just like the OP. This isn't the kind of situation where you can anticipate your own feelings, so the best thing you can be is empathetic to someone that has that experience.

 

[ReignofSparrows]

Banning someone isn't going to help change social attitudes. It's just making certain people disappear from the boards and you end up with a forum full of like-minded people.

If those in charge really wanted to help change social attitudes, they wouldn't ban people right away for comments that may seem ignorant or insensitive. It would make more sense to have a civil conversation with them and try to educate them.

That won't happen though because that's not the NeoGaf way. It'll continue the same way as ever...

misguided comment

da fuq?

banned

I won't comment as to the actual moderation as I think you're supposed to take that PM, but I would like to address the "like-minded" aspect of your post:

Bigoted or just outright rude views don't add to the diversity of a community. If anything, they restrict people from expressing how they feel. Tolerance doesn't mean accepting intolerant people, and diversity doesn't mean jerks are welcomed with open arms. Like, I think I am an open-minded and fair individual, but if someone tells me they "hate black people" or something similarly stupid, my disassociation with them doesn't impugn that I am open-minded and fair.

As for the outcome of what you are suggesting - the end result would be the same. If the problem is like-mindedness, then what good would keeping those people around so they can be talked down to and 'educated' do? They would either come around or be banned, so I don't see the difference in what you are proposing.

 

[Arcayne]

Tried imagining myself in your position based on your description of that night, and I'm not even sure how to form into words how I would feel. Gut tells me violated, confused, dumbfounded, but primarily paranoid. Kind of like, "what did she do while I was asleep?" amongst several other thoughts like "did I have my condom on the whole time? ", "where is the condom?", "i hope I didn't..." etc etc.

Damn, sorry OP.

 

[Mononoke]

Here's what you aren't getting: It's not 'considered' rape. It IS rape. Someone having sex with you against your will is rape. The OP said no, and kept passing out drunk, and she had sex with him anyway. That is rape. No 'gray area'. No 'well they were both drunk'. No shrugging it off because you are a 'better person' or some shit.

Does make me wonder though: As the post above me says, if you were kinda drunk and with a girl who was passing out drunk and saying no, would you have sex with her anyway? Because that's rape too.

Yeah, my thoughts on it too. To the posters saying they wouldn't care if it happened to them (in a similar situation), would they also keep having sex with another person if they said no, or were too drunk to consent?

If their answer is yes, that is really scary to me. If their answer is no, then I question why it's okay for it to happen to them, but not the other way around....

No, I would not have sex with a passed out girl. Can't imagine it being much fun anyway..
And okay I understand that's it rape. But it's not the kind I would personally fret over but that's just me.

Okay, but then why would it be okay, if the situation was flipped. Like if it was you that was raped, you would be okay with it? I guess I just don't understand where you are coming from with this. You say that you would NOT have sex with a girl that says no, or who is too drunk to consent...but you are not all that bothered if a girl did that to you? (If the situation was flipped)....

 

[Wasteman]

It was actually sexual assault, not rape. Girls can't actually commit rape as it's defined as penetration against ones will. Not saying it's acceptable or anything, just some info.

 

[TheContact]

It was actually sexual assault, not rape. Girls can't actually commit rape as it's defined as penetration against ones will. Not saying it's acceptable or anything, just some info.

What? His penis penetrated her vagina. He is the victim. It was not consensual. That's rape by definition. Just because she didn't stick something in another body part of his doesn't mean it's only sexual assault

 

[Wazzy]

It was actually sexual assault, not rape. Girls can't actually commit rape as it's defined as penetration against ones will. Not saying it's acceptable or anything, just some info.

Rape is a type of sexual assault and the laws definitions differ from place to place. It's still classified as rape.

 

[wsoxfan1214]

Ok, I'm trying to put myself in his place cos I haven't experienced a similar situation yet.
It just seems strange to me to actually be abe to have sex with a woman If I didn't want to.. I've had ladies coming at me that I wasn't too enthousiastic about and they could grind and tug away all they want and I wouldn't get hard. Not sure how I would react if it did happen in drunken stupor but I would probably shrugg it of and tell myself to drink less next time.

Jesus fucking christ.

 

[kame-sennin]

I mean if you were really disturbed about it the police should have been your first point of call.. Not GAF.

As someone whose family member was raped, this post makes me so fucking angry. You don't know how you are going to react until it happens.

 

[Bam Bam Baklava]

Just recently talked with a girl about first kisses and she said that just for asking the answer would be no. I've asked a girl once long-long ago if I could kiss her and she also said later that it was a turn-off.

This comment is about the first seconds of the video, the kissing part, not the rest.

Constantly checking in and asking if they like it also seems like something a person who lacks confidence would do.

Why not just wait til she kisses you.

 

[ReignofSparrows]

Jesus fucking christ.

I guess this won't be popular, but I really don't find an issue with the statements he made regarding how he would personally view the situation. It's not at all unreasonable to think that a guy would shrug something like this off. But the fact that every guy wouldn't feel violated by this behavior isn't the issue, I don't think. Instead, I think the issue is that guys dismiss those that do feel violated.

I think the poster Fiction nailed it when he/she said that how someone else would feel isn't grounds to dismiss how the OP feels or how the OP has responded. That, in my opinion, is really all that matters.

 

[Raonak]

OP's a bit unclear, would you have fucked her if you were more sober?

 

[DrFurbs]

Many rapes cases go unreported due to many reasons. Victims feel ashamed, try to ignore it and are too scared to report from stigma's of lying and in the case of men, not being treated seriously.

So post it on GAF. Oh please.

 

[fuzzyset]

OP's a bit unclear, would you have fucked her if you were more sober?

Not entirely sure what you're getting at. A man can still rape his wife if she says no, even if they had consensual sex the night before.

 

[Chariot]

OP's a bit unclear, would you have fucked her if you were more sober?

From what I gather, maybe. But at that moment it was a definite no.