GAF, did I get raped?
- Thread starter Zibrahim
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What does your post even mean?
Well sometimes you just want a sympathetic ear more than anything else.
The OP didn't say much about his relationship with the girl so telling him to just call the cops seems a bit off to me. This could be solved with a simple talk amongst friends where the gist is "Yea don't do that shit again". I don't know. We don't really know what the situation is.
But yea, sometimes talking (typing) about it helps.
ExplodingKetchup
Member
Does it matter?
Sorry to hear you've gone through this, OP. I'd second suggestions to find a counselor to talk to about this.
Rape is rape, regardless of the reason for saying no.
Well in the UK it is not classified as rape. Rape specially means the forced penetration of a penis into an orifice. Not that it matters but just saying it isn't classified as rape.
One thing I fail to grasp is how, if OP was so fucked up and slipping in and out of conciseness did he sustain an erection. I have trouble holding one when I want too if I'm literally pass out drunk.
Good circulation.
We also don't know for sure how much he actually did. It could be, that she just rode a pile of flappy.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Wait, so I don't have to wait until my girlfriend is in the mood anymore? I mean, she'd fuck me in a particular state of mind, but not all the time. But if it happens anyway, she'll be fine with it? Cool.
Raonak
Banned
yes. I'm trying to visualize the situation and it's very important to know whether to picture the rapist as a hot chick or not.
The fuck????? how'd you manage to extrapolate that nonsense out of my simple question.
D
Deleted member 20920
Unconfirmed Member
Why does it fucking matter if the girl is hot or not?
User 100115
Banned
Basic biology. I'm kinda freaked out that I know more about dicks than some dudes apparently.
Stimulation leads to erection. Maybe not all the time for you, but erection doesn't equal consent.
Chuckie
Member
Some people seem to be having a hard time differentiating between a fantasy about a dominating hot chick 'abusing' them and what actually happened to the OP... being raped.
ExplodingKetchup
Member
That confusion contributes to the problem. I've had girls tell me before that they feel that they want to be sexually controlled and they're not sure if that means they want to be raped. And, NOPE, it doesn't. Wanting to be dominated doesn't equal wanting to be raped. It's a really, really, important distinction.
Opinionatedfish
Member
The moment either involved withdraws consent, anything after that is rape. Rape is not gender specific. Rape doesn't have to be penetrative. An apology does not make rape okay.
Far more disturbing? I strongly disagree. I'm actually very pleased that the majority of posters here recognise that it was indeed rape, which doesn't have to be gender specific - the backlash to ignorant comments, rather than disturbing me, are an encouraging sign that society's perspective is beginning to shift, so it's becoming less and less acceptable to say things like "Yes, but was she hot?" or "Why didn't you just push her away?" or "But you were hard!", all of which are absolutely awful for someone who has experienced rape struggling to come to terms with describing what happened to them:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Xhk6HsewTw
Technically IF you said no and you wernt capable of telling her ''NO'' in a clear way, then yes she did rape you.
Though if you were that drunk that you couldn't sit up and tell her in a loud clear voice ''NO I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX'' , If you were so drunk you could even do that then it would of been impossible to get aroused, if you did get aroused then in my book you were soba enough to tell her ''NO'' in a clear way
Technically IF you said no and you wernt capable of telling her ''NO'' in a clear way, then yes she did rape you.
Though if you were that drunk that you couldn't sit up and tell her in a loud clear voice ''NO I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX'' , If you were so drunk you could even do that then it would of been impossible to get aroused, if you did get aroused then in my book you were soba enough to tell her ''NO'' in a clear way
Urgh.
Please, genderswap and say that again.
"If you were sober enough to get wet, you could've said louder and more clearer 'no'. So it wasn't rape."
travisbickle
Member
Yes, that is rape.
Some people might say it's not "rape-rape" or that you initially started the "sex game" by going into the bedroom, or that you're only regretting it the day after, but they are wrong.
Some people might say it's not "rape-rape" or that you initially started the "sex game" by going into the bedroom, or that you're only regretting it the day after, but they are wrong.
No, this is completely false. Men can still get erections completely involuntarily; it doesn't mean that he was asking for it.
Since no consent was given, this woman shouldn't have gone ahead with sex - doing so was rape, and a severe abuse of boundaries and trust. It really is that simple.
Ash Sparrow
Banned
I'm not sure I would call that rape as he said "and she said it was fine." At that point OP did not say no its not fine and he explained what happened after that so he could have said No.
GeordieMark
Member
This does sound like a sexual assault, but I think most of the guys I know wouldn't be too cut up about it.
If it was me, how I'd feel about it would depend on who the girl was.
Guess it gets bit muddier if the girl was to get pregnant, or give me an STI as a result of it. I might not mind the sex bit, but I'm pretty certain I would mind having to support a kid due to some horny chick taking advantage when I was semi conscious.
If it was me, how I'd feel about it would depend on who the girl was.
Guess it gets bit muddier if the girl was to get pregnant, or give me an STI as a result of it. I might not mind the sex bit, but I'm pretty certain I would mind having to support a kid due to some horny chick taking advantage when I was semi conscious.
Why does it make it ok when the rapist says its fine?
Ash Sparrow
Banned
I think she may have thought he was complying as he never said no after that, though described her putting the condom on so seems aware. Now if he could not say no that changes things imo, but if he could have said no at that moment. I personally would not send her to jail for rape.
Photolysis
Banned
And would you send the man to jail if it was a girl who said no and passed out/was completely out of it because "she got wet so it was totally consent"?
Ash Sparrow
Banned
Yes if she was completely passed out and out of it and could not say no.
What?
I did not say that though, I was saying that if he was soba enough to get aroused then he was soba enough to say NO, and if he was soba enough to say no, but let her do it anyway, is that still rape?.
I dont know. if a completely soba man was sat down with some woman and she wanted to have sex and he said in a monotone fashion ''no I dont want to have sex'' but the woman did it anyway and the man just lay/sat there with no further resistance, would that be rape?
Though as Yrael said men can get erections even when drunk, so I was wrong.
Photolysis
Banned
The OP's story is very clear:
1. He said no.
2. He was incapacitated by drink, and passing in and out of consciousness.
So what's the difference? In fact, the OP's story has refusal AND incapacitation compared to just one. Why should a female rapist get away without jail time?
Red Liquorice
Member
It sounds like sexual assault yes. I worry for the OP if he would want to take this further and report it, worried about the reception he would get. I'm certain if the gender roles were reversed it would be received with more clear cut procedure - but I would be concerned about what kind of things I'd have to go through if I were in the OPs place.
Keep us posted about what you intend to do next OP, if anything.
Keep us posted about what you intend to do next OP, if anything.
Sirpopopop
Member
You know what?
I'll still continue asking. There is no way I'm ever putting myself in a situation where I could be accused of sexual assault.
So if I'm viewed as lacking confidence, oh well. I view it as, "avoiding fucking jail time," which is more important than any perceived lack of confidence.
thetrin
Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
That's a great way for nothing to ever happen. The problem is that consent is important, but a lot of people don't find it romantic when things are spelled out. That creates a very difficult situation for everyone involved.
I personally don't mind things spelled out. I'm kind of an idiot about these things, so usually it's only when it's SUPER OBVIOUS that I even bother.
He was so drunk, that he just has excerpts of memory of the whole act. As far as I can see he wasn't able to bring a big resistance anymore. As people said, just because you don't have the power anymore to say make a bigger struggle, this isn't a no. In fact, if she didn't hear him say no at all, it would still be wrong.
No answer does not mean yes. Yes means yes.
You're confusing what it means to be aroused and from what I can tell being sober.
If at any point in time during their time together he said no, much like "let's not do this drunk", and it happened anyway against his intent for the evening. He was raped.
Moff
Member
while I certainly agree with this, I think many women face the exact same worries and realities when taking a rape case further.
will people believe me? was it even really rape? or am I wrong? was it my fault?
I think these thoughts are not uncommon in female rape victims. I have to agree with others here and OP should at least make contact with professionals who can help and support him, if he doesnt feel he is ready to face the police (yet).
thetrin
Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
I'm in agreement. If that person is turned off by it, then fucking whatever. I dated a girl once. I looked at her while we were getting hot and heavy and she looked...distressed. I said "What? What's wrong?" and she said "I don't think we should be doing this", so I stopped. I lay next to her and said "Okay, then we don't have to do anything. That's fine." She actually got mad at me, saying "that was my way of saying keep going."
What in god's name? That's fucking stupid.
I still think asking can be cute. It can be romantic. It can be endearing. It just depends on how you do it.
It also depends on the person. Some people are going to be fucking stupid about it, and paint you into a horrible corner. That's just bail out territory to me.
David Incorporated Esq.
Member
See I actually read a little bit of confusion here. OP says "hey we're drunk let's not do this," she says "No it's fine." The way that reads, and I don't want to speak for the OP here or imply anything, is that she thought he meant "You're drunk I don't want to coerce you," but wanted to give him consent, when really he was saying "I'm not okay with this."
Or could be she was playing date rapist. It's honestly pretty confusing and I don't think it's quite as easy to explain by swapping the genders.
Something similar happened to me once with a girlfriend. She wanted some sex but I was dead tired. I said no but she was practically begging so I begrudgingly consented and fell asleep while she was on top. I woke up feeling used and upset by it. I should have known then that that girl was no good but stuck around for a while longer.
OP if you're still talking with the girl or are in any sort of relationship I'd say you need to talk about it and lay down some ground rules. If she brushes it off she doesn't respect you and you need to ditch her.
Photolysis
Banned
While in some jurisdictions this is technically true (e.g. in the UK women cannot commit rape), to call it "sexual assault" is disgusting. Kissing someone without their consent is sexual assault. Touching their genitalia without consent is sexual assault. To put a woman forcing a man to have sex with her on a par with these act automatically invites a comparison to these acts, and diminishes the seriousness of the offence.
Let's call it by what it is: rape. She's a rapist. She deserves the full weight of that title and its connotations, instead of what is essentially a euphemism.
Red Liquorice
Member
Absolutely, I didn't mean to imply women wouldn't go through the same questioning, guilt and self-blame worries. I can imagine there's a level of "what are you complaining about?" disbelief type comments or side-glances though that a man - assaulted by a woman - would have to go through too.
Some sort of support professionals as a first step before the police is definately sound advice.
Well I'm in the UK, so I was trying to go by a more likely legal definition. I was not trying to be euphemistic.
Ash Sparrow
Banned
The it'll be fine would bother me if I was conscious/aware enough to say no, but didn't. I'm not sure if OP was aware enough to say no at that point. If not then I guess the initial no would stand.
'lets not do this drunk" so they are both drunk, not sure she knew what he was talking about, maybe she was thinking, it'll be fine as she's got protection, not that Op was saying hey I don't want the sex. I'm just not sure her intent was to take sex from an unwilling OP or if she didn't realize what was happening. I think op has to go with his gut though. The apology in the morning does sound a bit troubling. I'd probably have to talk with her about the situation before going further.
Photolysis
Banned
As am I, and fair enough. From a wider perspective though, I stand by my point. That English law discriminates by gender in this way and essentially hides it behind euphemisms is a horrific double standard and an injustice.
I agree, though if it did go to court, the womans defense would try and determine if he was in a conscious and sound state of mind or not, and if they proved he was they might try and say his lack of resistance was consent.
Though if it did go to court the woman would probably say he consented and it would be her word against his, I bet she would get of scott free, theres probably more chance he could get in trouble if the woman lied and turned the tables.
That sounds like rape to me...
I can't even imagine what you're going through emotionally
When I was in highschool, this kid, not in my school, but another one nearby, got raped by a girl at a party. She was fat so he couldn't push her off, especially while he was drunk as all hell, and she ended up getting pregnant. Horrible situation to be in, and I feel bad for both the guy who got raped and the baby
I can't even imagine what you're going through emotionally
When I was in highschool, this kid, not in my school, but another one nearby, got raped by a girl at a party. She was fat so he couldn't push her off, especially while he was drunk as all hell, and she ended up getting pregnant. Horrible situation to be in, and I feel bad for both the guy who got raped and the baby
RyougaSaotome
Member
I'm so sorry OP, but taking everything you said at face value, this is rape. =(
I know that perhaps a bunch of people on the internet telling you this might not mean much, but I'll chime in anyway: it wasn't your fault. You are the victim.
Hang in there.
Edit: Also thank you to the mods. You folks have been doing a really great job in this thread, and I'm sure everybody appreciates that.
I know that perhaps a bunch of people on the internet telling you this might not mean much, but I'll chime in anyway: it wasn't your fault. You are the victim.
Hang in there.
Edit: Also thank you to the mods. You folks have been doing a really great job in this thread, and I'm sure everybody appreciates that.
EscoBlades
Ubisoft Marketing
This was an unbelievably clueless post. It actually hurt to read.
You're playing a ridiculous game here. But getting so caught up in semantics are you suggesting that this woman is "on par" with a man who drags a woman he doesn't know into an alley and forcibly rapes her?
By all accounts the OP was a victim of rape but suggesting that assault and rape are unable to be separated into degrees is misguided and harmful.
Just a reminder, if you have questions or concerns about moderation, feel free to PM a mod or send an email to support@neogaf.com. Do not air your concerns in a thread.
Ash Sparrow
Banned
I missed this post this is exactly how I feel about the situation.
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