In all honesty since most of my post have been overlooked, I honestly dont know if anyone will even take the time to read. So essentially I am doing this for my own sanity. Sanity is a funny word. As well as honesty. Ill cut right to the chase. I have to get my thoughts on something to just get it out of my head. As some of you well know, im moving back home to a place that i havent laid my head in over 15 years. Returning home, I have had to make preparations and deal with a multitude of things that would overwhelm anyone. I was asked by, lets just call her "the lesbian" I was involved with if I was running from trouble. She stated I was a fool if I were, and that I wasnt a man about it. I will never forget the look I gave her while she was cooking me a meal and bringing me a beer, that I said " I dont run from shit. If anything I am running toward something. Something bigger then myself. I am walking away from a job. I am walking away from a roof over my head. I am walking away from friends like yourself. I am doing all this to go toward something better. To better myself." She shut up and proceeded to sit on my lap. " Im sorry baby, I didnt realize." I shrugged whatever. That was 4 days ago. Within this time I have been clinically depressed. Couldnt get out of bed. No motivation whatsoever because im learning that my ex is moving forward. The same ungrateful bitch who decided to attempt to ruin my life is moving on with life, reaching out for all my friends to find out what I am doing. I hate that.
Truly. Hate that.
That was 3 days ago. Just last night I sat with my sub. Who by the way has moved on to a new man. I realized I was bad for her. Horrible I know but I couldnt dare keep her around knowing that she was an innocent that deserved better. Yeah. My unmistakeable dumb code of honor. One day im nutting on her face and chest. The next I am telling her to move on to another guy because she deserves someone less broken. You wouldnt believe her face between licking her fingers of my essence. Being told to move on. She did. But I digress, that was weeks ago. So I knew she would respond when I called. She answered and asked what was wrong. I said im depressed. She said im on the way. For hours we laid in the bed together. Not once kissing or fondling. Just hugged up as friends. I wanted to make a move, but I fought the urge because I knew she had a man. I wanted her to have a semblence of normalcy. She also fought back urges. Her loyalty is fantastic. I kicked myself for pushing her away. But I had no choice, she is my boys ex.
Sanity. Honesty.
We decided it was time to move on and get dinner. I decided that yeah it may be a good idea. Instead of going we went over to a friends home and chilled drinking beers and other merriment. I needed this. But Ill skip the pleasantries and jump to the meat and potatoes for those still tuned in. I began to drive home, with sub in the passenger seat listening to Sea Legs. Clearest sky in a while. Brisk. Sunroof open as I was hitting backroads like owned it. When she piped up and said "Im angry with you". I turn down Killer Mikes verse and said come again. "Im angry with you. You just came into my life, finally free from that crazy bitch, and now you are leaving." There was a pause while she fought back tears. I could see her eyes from the passing lights. The were pooling. "You had no right to show me love just to let me go." I turned to her and said " You have a man now. You should be alright." But like a fight, she swung back. " You gave me to him. You pushed me away. You told me to find a man. And I follow your orders." If this was an actual physical confrontation, I would have hit my knees. Fuck. It is my fault. I looked her in the eyes, stopped the car in the middle of the road, turn down the music, put on the brake and grabbed her chin and just let my mind flow out of my mouth. "I am leaving in less then 35 days. I have nothing holding me here or no reason to bullshit. I love you. I always have. Ever since the first time you walked in my door. That nigga you with right now is renting you. I fucking own you. So enjoy your time with him. But when it is over, who do you belong too?" The equivalent of knee to the chin, folks. She was on the ropes. We got an each others faces. But did nothing. Sometimes love can cause you to be loyal.
Sanity. Honesty.
She left my apartment. And a few hours later. I get a text telling me how her man gave her the D. I told her good job. She said she was thinking of me the whole time. I slept soundly.
I wake up this afternoon to 4 missed calls and 2 text messages. The messages say 911 and They are taking my kids. Its from my "Snowflake". Without hesitation I call. And through pouts and sobs, she tells me she cant talk but she needs me there. Wants me there. Wants. Needs. I hop in the shower and clean my ass. I hop yet again into my car. 4 minutes later I pull up to her spot. Soon as I walk in there are 2 ladies who you can tell were not part of the decorum and one of the cities finest. I ask where she is and they tell me upstairs. Rio proceeds. I dont speak any words, I grab her and pull her close. The tears flowed. I ask what the fuck happen, she tells me her oldest tired of her shit, decided to make calls as well as a mystery person. Im baffled, because she may not be the greatest mother, but a single woman with 4 kids, 2 with health issues and 1 with serious behavior problems, she is doing pretty damn good. This house was my refuge when I needed a place for normalcy. Theres nothing like a woman whose popped out 4 kids with an ass like Iggy and a face like Marilyn. Only flaw is no tits, but the ass is enough. Anyway this place, those kids, just everything started coming to a conclusion. In that moment between her bouts of crying and packing clothes, I couldnt help but think about all the shit that was ending. I stayed with her for the next couple hours while we watched the kids get taken away. I watched the disdain as her oldest daughter laughed at the misfortune she wrought. A piece of me left when they huddled into that truck.
Sanity. Honesty.
We sat in the now empty house. No noise. No normalcy. Snowflake uttered about how this is killing her. How she tried to be a damn good mom. I couldnt help but agree. This time there wasnt any tears. It was anger. Seething. Fuming. I watched as her mind and body began to tense and then like an epiphany came from up high, she looked at me with the utmost clarity and said "Im done with her." I just watched a mother disown her eldest. It was suprisingly strange. No emotions from me. No sadness or hopelessness. The only thing I can think is I cant wait to put this shit in my rearview. Her included. But for the next 30+, I will be a confidante and a guardian. An advisor. A friend.
Between us, I hope I can keep my sanity until then. Because the only thing I have left is honesty.
So with all this said. I think I am gonna be like the cool kids and bid you cats adieu. Its been real and its been fun. I may lurk from time to time. But Revanche is done. Riovane is gone. Ill be back later. Possibly. But I think I need a vacation from the fun. How about this, if I make it through unscathed and back to the boot, Ill holla at you cats. Until then be easy.