Twas the night before E3 2015 and Mark Cerny was sprawled across the floor of his LA hotel room surrounded by empty bottles of vodka. Jim Ryan was passed out in a pool of his own vomit with two hookers, following a night of excessive partying, zooming cameras and a drunken brawl with Shawn Layden. Across every wall in the room were deranged etchings of Knack which looked scrawled into the plaster itself with finger nails. The ornate bath tub was filled with various wigs, an X86 processor, and hundreds of unopened copies of his beloved Knack Mark wondered in a drunken, drug fuelled daze, where did it all go so wrong?
Sir Andrew was always his idol. He had an insatiable appetite for pleasing his master after ousting his predecessor, Ken Kutaragi, over a high rise Tokyo balcony one cold September night. Kazuo has placed his almighty trust in El Helio and the Cerny that stole Christmas, but both felt that a ridge had begun to form in his trust, and they raced to satisfy his demands.
Jackson Tretton still lurked deep in the shadows of Foster City, growing ever more manic and delirious by the day. His one remaining contact within SCE, Agent Phil Harrison had being comprised when he became involved in a complex love triangle with Major Nelson and Phil Spencer. Agent Phil suffered unrelenting torture at the hands of CEO Nutella, who beat him repeatedly with a Kinect sensor (at last it finally had a use), water-boarded him in a pool full of the tears of Peter Molyneux, and subjected him to the most heinous type of punishment imaginable trying to spin monthly NPD statements with Aaron Greenberg and Yusuf Medhi. Phil was later smuggled out of the country in a B52 bomber, and now resides in the wilderness of Siberia, stumbling through the snow and foraging local insects to survive using reflection of sunlight from his head to create fire during the day and also signal to passing planes.
Jackson could never get over his resignation, and knew his days at SCEA were numbered when Kazuo brutally humiliated him and his blue tie at E3 2011. On that faithful March morning, Kazuo entered US airspace on Sony Force One and proceeded to SCEA headquarters to deliver the message personally. Jackson was quietly ushered into a room marked Kando, and there awaited Kazuo beating a bloodied and unconscious Shawn senseless with a Move controller in an initiation-like process his ongoing, uncontrollable hand gestures were a result of severe brain damage incurred in the attack. A hysterical Jackson was hosed down, thrown through a large trophy cabinet of The Last of Us awards (how ironic) and then ejected from the building through a 4th floor window by Scott Rodhe. As his battered body was nursed back to health by a now homeless, and unhinged Kevin Butler, the pair concocted a plan to exact merciless revenge at the E3 2015 Sony conference to be continued.
Microsoft announce new Kinekt-bundled SKU, and proceed to hype Tomb Raider and some games scheduled for 2016. They then put on a bizarre world music show to fill the rest of the time, encompassing flavour from all the regions the Xbox One has been released in with a videoscreen covered with happy smiling diverse people. Japan is forgotten.
When is E3 again? (serious question lol )
- Microsoft announces Minecraft 2 - Uses DX12, 40km draw distance (beyond curvature of the new round earth), exclusive to the xbox family. Uses the Azure servers for online play, gold subscription required (on PC to)
- Halo coming to PC ... forever!
- All PC's can now install the XB1 app and partition the drive to also be a console. All console games available on PC!
- Steam announces Half Life 3, Portal 3 & New IP 3 (HL3 + P3 Love child) ... available right now! Servers don't implode as they also announce all new servers for all steam games to be hosted on.
- Nintendo announce new phone with all their games free if you sign up to Nintendo mobile data plan to. New pokemon, new mario, new donkey kong! New Zelda!!! All in first person???
- Nintendo also announce new Headset that works with the new phone (Think Samsung VR) 110 FoV, 8K, 200 HZ.
- EA walk on stage. Have bought GAF through an ALIAS. Posting is now time based. You can post 5 times a day for free. If you want to post more you can buy GAF Gold to post more. Can make OT once a month. If you sign up to their subscription service you can post unlimited posts for FREE. Also announce new advertisement methods where some posts are actually advertisements but posted under other users names.
The last one made me feel a bit ill to write out.
Sony give Morpheus headsets to everyone in the auditorium and do the whole presentation in VR, starting with Shu & Shawn riding one of the cyber-dinos from Horizon.
The scene shifts and suddenly everyone is sat in a Nissan GTR racing around Laguna Seca...when around us the car stars to transform into a spaceship and we fly into a purple hued sky with Sean Murray's voice calmly pointing to the stars in the sky
...we warp to a planet, landing in a jungle where we see an older, wiser Drake walking alongside his brother, ending up at a castle
...the giant doors swing open and a dog-Turkey beast walks out, ridden by a small boy as TLG is revealed as the Morpheus Launch title.
- Nintendo reveals a new F-Zero game. The crowd goes wild. F-Zero Infinity. For Android and iOS. It's a Temple Run-style infinite runner. The reaction becomes more muted.
- Microsoft announce Perfect Dark Infiltration, a new FPS exclusively for Windows Phone. Developed by Spark Unlimited.
- Sony announce their new game from Media Molecule, called Digcreate. Coming to PC and Playstation platforms this Summer as an open beta. They get Notch on stage to promote it.
- Nintendo clarifies that SMT x Fire Emblem has become a F2P card battler. Exclusively for BlackBerry devices.
- Capcom announces that they're rebooting the Resident Evil series and there will be the mainline game and several different offshoots in various genres. The first will be a game set in an abandoned asylum called Resident Evil: Forgotten Sanity, where you play an inquisitive journalist trapped inside with no weapons and running/hiding as your only defence, and only flares or a torch (with limited batteries) for light. The next will be a top-down shooter called Resident Evil: Slayer, where you fight against waves of enemy zombies and upgrade your weapons, and the third announced game will be Resident Evil: Lost Lands, where you can choose to play as Moira Burton or Billy Coen (with other character skins available for just $3.89 each!) and have to dig, forage and survive in this hostile voxel wilderness.
- Sony announces they've purchased Industrial Toys, whose first game will be an FPS based on the sci-fi novel Ringworld, but the story will differ and follow a capitol ship of human marines fighting to escape from an alien race who believe the ring is an ancient religious artefact.
- Microsoft announces that they've bought Big Red Button, whose first game will be an Indiana Jones-style adventure called Unexplored, following a cocky explorer Daniel Fate as he leads his small band of explorers to an unmapped South American island looking for treasure believed to have once been visited by Columbus.
- Konami announce they've just cut to the chase and renamed themselves Kojima.
Dammit now I'm sad.Rösti;155837044 said:Microsoft
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Nintendo:
HERE IS YOUR HOST FOR THIS YEARS NINTENDO DIGITAL EVENT...REGGIE FILS AMIIIIIIIIIBO
"sup my name is Reggie, I am hostin the show tonight with my buddy, Dave"
Dave is shown. He waves at the camera and says "hello everybody" in a heavy Geordie accent
"Now let's see what shit we have in store for you people this fucking year"
The following games are shown:
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: BROS BEFORE JOES
Link has to save Joe, who is the local janitor in hyrule castle. Its still the open world game we saw before but its now forced co op with his best bro, Big Charles, who wears a 90s trackie and and believes himself to be a small greengrocers in Shropshire. He is armed with a large electric kettle.
METROID: PILKINGTON
Samus Aran is dead. Taking on the duties of wearing the Zero Suit and Power Suit is Karl Pilkington. Experience moaning like never before, in glorious first person HD, as you explore Manchester in all its glory whilst Ricky and Steve radio you instructions through the Gamepad speaker.
DONKEY KONG COUNTRY 6: MITCHELL KONG'S U WOT M8 QUEST
You play as the long lost Kong, Phil Mitchell, as you rough up various poor fuckers and jump around Walford throwing barrels of piss and ale at residents of the east end whilst on a drunken bender. Rated E for everyone. Featuring music by Rik Waller and Saddam Hussein.
Reggie then is shown eating a television. He sits down and takes his clothes off. He has no skin underneath, he is made of cabbage and cheese. His body melts and he collapses to the ground. Bill Trinen runs up and shouts to the air, "FAAAAAATHERRR". He then explodes in a glorious bloody shower of vital organs and wrapped daim bars. A collection of Tibetan monks run onto the stage. All games are cancelled. We only pray now.
Guess I'll post my insane predictions for the conferences:
Sony
The Last Guardian rerevealed for PS4 and comes out this holiday season. Dead
Naughty Dog announces JAK 4 Don't see the JAK series returing
Sony announced Crash for PS4 Would love it
Dark Cloud 3 announcement Maybe
New JRPG IP from Sony first party studio JRPG are out of favour
5 minute Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer with actual gameplay (never) possible
Gravity Daze 2 goes to PS4 (kinda expected though) Expected
Silent Hills Exclusive to PS4 Expected
Devil May Cry 5 PS4 exclusive Doubt it
Metal Gear Rising 2 PS4 exclusive Doubt it
Half Life 3 PS4 exclusive LOL WAT
Microsoft
Gears of war trilogy hd remaster 80% Certain
New Banjo for Xbone Yup
All EA sports games now exclusive to Xbone Dumb
Call of Duty exclusive to Xbone Dumb
Fable 4 announced Likely
Lost Odyssey 2 Doubtful
Left 4 Dead 3 Xbone Exclusive Possible
Nintendo
Super Mario 64-2 announced for Wii U Nope
Super Mario 64 3D announced for 3DS Yup
Twilight Princess HD announced for Wii U Nope
4 New DLC characters and 5 New Stages for Smash Some Smash DLC
Zelda Wii U actually coming in 2015 Late 2015 is possible
FE X SMT not cancelled Would be nice
Last Story 2 Wii U Could see it
Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2 HD Wii U Doubt it
Portal 3 Wii U exclusive LOLOLOLOL
Opinions in bold
Opinions in bold
Kojima signs on with Sony Japan for his next title.
Xbox one bundle $199
Nintendo:
- New Metroid game, developed by Retro Studios for the NX. They announce it with seven minutes of gameplay showing Samus landing on a swampy woodland planet. Visuals are amazing; easily on a par with Killzone Shadow Fall, but much more atmospheric, and with lots of real time physics processes happening (drizzle on her visor, ripples in the swamp water, dynamic wind and lighting). A few indigenous creatures move in the distance but it's mainly building atmosphere as Samus checks over a crashed passenger shuttle and finds no sign of life. She scans the environment and sees a pheromone trail for her target, which she follows. She enters a cave and switches visor to infra-red mode, at which point she sees hundreds of huge bat-like creatures hanging from the ceiling, sleeping. She follows the pheromone trail deeper into the cave, descending down a damp tunnel with water dripping from the ceiling, before she enters a huge cavern lit by an opening at the top, and on the far side the pheromone trail leads to her target; a creature of indeterminate size and design, feeding on something unseen. The creature notices her and rears up on its hind legs roaring, fifteen feet tall and all teeth and muscle. As it charges Samus aims her gun and the scene cuts to black as the words Christmas 2016 fade in.
- The scene shows a Greek warrior-woman (Athena) in front of a temple wrestling with a cyclops three times her size, before she is cast down and it roars at her. It raises its foot to step on her before a 'light arrow' hits it in the eye and it roars in pain. Pit flies in from the side, kicks it in the side of the head and sends it barrelling down the steps and he helps Athena up. He winks at the camera and flies off, as the camera pans out and we see a battle taking place across the whole scene (Olympus) and the screen says NX Portable: Christmas 2016.
- Finally, we see a teenage boy and girl, wearing retro-futuristic jumpsuits running through ruins of an ancient civilisation in a tropical jungle. Looks like a cross between the styles of Jak & Daxter and Ratchet & Clank. A massive stone monster crashes through the trees chasing them. The girl arms some kind of grenade and drops it, forming a neon mesh shield which the stone monster immediately crashes through. It thumps its fist down, narrowly missing the boy who pulls out a small cylinder that extends into a staff with a glowing electric field at each end, and he twirls it around his head and deals something like an electric hook punch in the monster's face, knocking it sideways and slowing it temporarily. The camera pans out and shows they're running towards a massive cliff edge, and they both start pressing buttons on a wrist device they're both wearing. The stone monster catches them as they reach the end, and as they leap off they spin in mid-air and fire a combined neon orb at the monster which entraps it and lifts it in the air, as a dropship catches them (think Marty walking off the rooftop in Back to the Future Part II), it hooks up the monster and flies away with the pair and their quarry. The camera pans back showing a huge island and the words 'Project Firetrap | NX Console | Early 2017' fade in.
Sony:
- "Some heroes are born, and others are forged. Some stories fade into myth, while others are forever retold. Every generation needs a champion, but failing that you have to take what you can get..." and Crash Bandicoot runs past, chased by a group of series antagonists, and Cortex bringing up the rear before he stops, looks at the camera and laughs and throws TNT at the screen.
- The camera pans through outer space, past an asteroid belt and a moon. It continues panning and shows a huge gas giant planet with several capitol ships around it, and we next see lots of smaller ships flying around and lots of explosions as there's a battle taking place. One of the capitol ships explodes internally and ruptures with a huge explosion. The camera pans backwards as two fighters fly past to the right, and then we're in the cockpit of a fighter, accelerating and following the other two. One of them is shot and explodes and we break off to the left, heading back towards the capitol ships as the damaged one detonates with a massive explosion, and then we swoop up and to the right following an enemy fighter which we disable by shooting it with a blue ion cannon blast, and veer past it towards a line-up of enemy capitol ships, one of which is much larger than the others and shooting a concentrated laser blast at its opposites. We veer off to the left and spin downwards to avoid fire from enemy fighters before sharply pulling back up and shooting at the small cluster of enemy fighters, damaging one, exploding another and scattering the rest. As the main capitol ship winds up for another laser blast the pilot flicks a red switch and a voice announces "Hellbomb armed", they aim at the centre of the ship and as they press the fire button, the camera moves back to a further view, showing the smaller ships dogfighting, it moves back and shows the capitol ships at each end of the screen (with a huge explosion on the right as the Hellbomb detonates) and moves out further again, as it shows more ships approaching the fray. It fades to black and the text 'COLONY WARS | MORPHEUS | 2016' flashes up on screen.
- Two logos flash on screen, side-by-side: Naughty Dog and Sony Computer Entertainment.
A downtrodden starship named the Trident Vector lands in a busy spaceport. An attractive twentysomething mixed race woman disembarks, followed a few seconds later by a somewhat grizzled older white man in his late 30s with a big bushy beard. "So where do we meet this contact of yours?" she asks.
"In the spaceport bar Osiris. The guy's a murdian; about eight feet tall, short blue hair and the kind of angry face you wouldn't want to bump into down a quiet alley."
"That sounds like all murdians to me."
"Very funny. I'll be sure to tell him."
"So, what can he tell us about the Sigma sector?"
"I don't know, but he should be able to provide us with a pass."
She indicates in front of them to a group of hairless pink aliens approaching through the throng. "Friends of yours?"
"Oh, shit."
The group walks up to the man and the lead one stops him with a hand on his chest. "I didn't expect to see you here, Cates. Do you have something for me?"
"Listen Glaken, I'm sorry about Copper but I'm not responsible for her. I only introduced the two of you."
"You were the agent, it's your responsibility to make amends for her treachery."
"That's not the way it works. She conned you, and I'm sorry, but I've not seen the bastard in over two years. She owes me over twelve thousand credits too." As a warning, Cates reaches down to his pistol at his waist. "Now if you don't mind we've got a very important meeting..."
The woman, Star, cuts in "If you meatheads can give it a rest for a minute, there's a security outfit over there and I don't think anyone wants to start trouble twenty feet from a heavily armed group of durvish."
The alien backs up a little and snarls in their direction.
Cates quickly says "Maybe see you around" and quickly dashes off, in the direction of the durvish with Star in tow.
"Are there any planets in this sector where you haven't pissed someone off?"
"Once maybe. But now..."
They reach Osiris, and Cates quickly spots his contact Osa, who's sitting in a booth alone. Cates slips in opposite him, followed by Star.
Osa nods at Star and says "Who's this."
"Daniela Star, my new partner and financier. She's okay."
Osa nods at her and turns his attention back to Cates. He slides a small cube across the table, which Cates slots into a device on his wrist and looks at the contents on a small display. "All right, I think we're good." He slides a credit chit across the table to Osa. "Ten thousand, as agreed."
Osa scans the credit chit with another device, finishes his green-blue drink and stands up, shaking Cates and Star by the hand. He quickly leaves, and Cates gets up to leave, just as a robotic waiter comes over and asks if they'd like to place an order. "No, thank you" says Star, and they make their way out of Osiris back to their ship.
"So how long do you think it'll take..." Star is interrupted by a loud city-wide klaxon, followed by several explosions in the sky and a huge starship coming down through the clouds. Everyone stares in disbelief for a few seconds before panic erupts. "Oh my God" says Cates. "The Shade are here already?!"
"Come on" shouts Star, as she runs back to their ship. They board and Cates runs to the cockpit and fires up the engine as Star goes to load the cannons. All around the ship the Orbital Defence Cannons have started targeting the invading fleet and chaos is literally exploding. As they get airborne a damaged fighter spins out of control and crashes into the Vector and sends it into a spin as the scene cuts to black and the text Savage Starlight flashes up on screen.
This has taken ages so maybe I'll write one for MS later.