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[Kipp]

I just deleted a long depressing ass post because it was so pathetic. Honestly just being to vent here is amazing. Ive been searching for help in my area but i dont know how to go on about doing that. Internet searches just give me a huge list of therapists in my area with a paragraph trying to sell themselves to me

I know how you feel. I was originally looking into getting treatment by looking around at therapists and psychiatrists in the area and it was pretty overwhelming.
For me personally, my best bet was just to go to a primary care physician. I described my symptoms, he decided it was pretty much textbook depression, then he prescribed me SSRIs. Simple as that. And since it's a primary care physician, if you have insurance it'll be much cheaper than a psychiatrist/therapist. And if you want talk therapy as well (which is proven to be highly effective, so if you're up for it and its within your means, going with the antidepressant + therapist route is your best bet), the primary care physician will be able to refer you to one.

 

[Ponn]

I was (and to some extent, still am) in the same boat.
Vigilant Walrus's post wasn't wrong, but probably wasn't totally relevant in this situation. Or at least it wouldn't have been relevant to my situation when I was in a similar place as you. It's one thing to search for meaning in a philosophical sense, but quite another to feel like life is meaningless and unfulfilling on a psychological level. One is fairly normal and the other is pretty much the definition of depression.
Have you tried getting psychiatric treatment? I was recently prescribed SSRIs and although I've got a long way to go, I'm feeling slightly better and I certainly have a lot more hope for the future. I mean, since life seems generally pointless and directionless at the moment, you've got nothing to lose, right? I know that's way easier said than done though. It took me a very long time to seek treatment and get a doctor's appointment. I'm very glad I did though. I hope you're able to do the same if you feel that's the right direction for you to take.

Its the one question I loathe to come up in group sessions. And everyone else has the textbook answer "take care of my family" , "take care of my kid", "get a good job" etc etc. I just sit there for a minute and then tell them the truth, I don't know what my goal is, its been lost for years now. I wish I had a goal but most days i'm so deep and my medical conditions just keep piling up I see no light at all at the end of the tunnel. I personally find the question ridiculous to ask in a group session like that. If I had something worth striving for then why would I be in this position or attempted suicide back in Oct. I also hate how the therapist never has a straight answer for me when I answer truthfully. It's just a long plodding journey. One of my fears is my bleh apathetic state is going to my "normal" state and i just bounce back and forth between that and deep depression.

3 straight weeks of insomnia hasn't helped.

 

[Kipp]

Its the one question I loathe to come up in group sessions. And everyone else has the textbook answer "take care of my family" , "take care of my kid", "get a good job" etc etc. I just sit there for a minute and then tell them the truth, I don't know what my goal is, its been lost for years now. I wish I had a goal but most days i'm so deep and my medical conditions just keep piling up I see no light at all at the end of the tunnel. I personally find the question ridiculous to ask in a group session like that. If I had something worth striving for then why would I be in this position or attempted suicide back in Oct. I also hate how the therapist never has a straight answer for me when I answer truthfully. It's just a long plodding journey. One of my fears is my bleh apathetic state is going to my "normal" state and i just bounce back and forth between that and deep depression.

3 straight weeks of insomnia hasn't helped.

Yep. I know exactly what you're saying. "It's just a long plodding journey" is the view I've had as well. I'd say the difference between life being worth living and life being a long plodding journey isn't something as philosophical as "purpose" or whatever, but really simply just enjoying stuff. Most people just enjoy things. What's not to like about liking stuff? But then when you have depression and can't really enjoy anything, life sure is a long plodding journey. Even if you have plenty of purpose, that won't help a bit if you're not enjoying anything.

Sorry to hear about your insomnia, by the way. I hope you're able to get some solid sleep soon.

 

[Ponn]

Yep. I know exactly what you're saying. "It's just a long plodding journey" is the view I've had as well. I'd say the difference between life being worth living and life being a long plodding journey isn't something as philosophical as "purpose" or whatever, but really simply just enjoying stuff. Most people just enjoy things. What's not to like about liking stuff? But then when you have depression and can't really enjoy anything, life sure is a long plodding journey. Even if you have plenty of purpose, that won't help a bit if you're not enjoying anything.

Sorry to hear about your insomnia, by the way. I hope you're able to get some solid sleep soon.

I started scratching nervously and now my scalp is all messed up. I had to go the doctor the other day and get some antibiotics because i'm susceptable to staph infections. I also started hallucinating a couple days and hearing things and seeing stuff moving shadows at night which doesn't help.

And yea I think thats the key part that people who haven't experienced deep depression can't comprehend, at least in my experience. It's really hard to explain to someone how you just don't find enjoyment in anything. I can get obsessed with things and collect things but its almost more like a drug addiction and its so fleeting. It's like trying to artificially put purpose in your life. I don't know what i'm trying to say.

 

[Arkaerial]

thanks for your reply. im sitting here thinking about what i wanted to be as a kid and nothing comes up. when you dont even want to be alive its hard to do anything. i barely can muster up the strength to go out and do grocery shopping. sometimes i dont eat and just sit in front of my computer getting drunk and wasting away. i pray for death on almost a daily basis but im too scared to end it all. i feel trapped and have become complacent in my prison

I completely understand this. In fact I live this everyday myself except the drinking because it just makes me sick and feel worse (yeah I've tried it).

You know as a kid I wanted to do one of 2 things an astronaut or marine biologist. It's funny but it's because I would be so far removed from people I would cease to exist to others. That was my logic, but the sad thing is I still feel that way. If I can't "be fixed" I rather cease to exist because it's more painful living like this.

I've tried the medication prozac, lexapro, paxil and finally gave up as those account for close to 3 years and they all did the same thing - never ending nausea and after 5+ months foggy memory where I can't seem to remember stuff.

Just reading this over my social anxiety disorder is kicking in high thinking about clicking submit. So much so that I keep wanting to delete this for the 4th time.

 

[Kipp]

I started scratching nervously and now my scalp is all messed up. I had to go the doctor the other day and get some antibiotics because i'm susceptable to staph infections. I also started hallucinating a couple days and hearing things and seeing stuff moving shadows at night which doesn't help.

And yea I think thats the key part that people who haven't experienced deep depression can't comprehend, at least in my experience. It's really hard to explain to someone how you just don't find enjoyment in anything. I can get obsessed with things and collect things but its almost more like a drug addiction and its so fleeting. It's like trying to artificially put purpose in your life. I don't know what i'm trying to say.

Man, that sucks. I've never had sleep issues, so I can't say I can relate, but that sounds horrible. Best of luck with that.

And yeah, totally. I'm the exact same way. I have plenty of hobbies, but they often just feel like chores.
A couple times in the past few weeks I've had a conversation where for some reason or another the conversation leads to me getting asked "Well what do you like to do?" and I'm just like "Uuuuhhhh..."
Kind of awkward.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I had another breakdown last night, I was just kneeling begging my mother to tell me everything was going to be okay.

The incessant thoughts inside my head are slowly driving me mad, the feeling of being upset not only with my life, my family, and everything else is bad enough but the nightmares and the incessant OCD thought loop that's plagued me for the last 3 years is just getting too much. I really hope that maybe medication works, that this whole psychology thing works out. I haven't gotten to bed before 4am for the last couple weeks, on top of that my fibromyalgia and SRA is flaring really bad to the point where I have no desire to move or leave the house...

Which is also kind of related to my mental issues as I've been having issues with agoraphobia and paranoia.

I just feel like I'm falling apart, I overheard my mother and father talking and finances are look even worse and I don't know how much longer everything is going to hold together.

I hate this, I miss the times where I used to enjoy life and felt inspired even though everything was fucked up. Now I'm just constantly miserable, and the moments where I find myself even happy for a moment are incredibly fleeting, bordering on forcing myself to feel happy when I'm not.

I pretty much just sleep all day now, and I can't sleep at night due to insomnia which causes me to stay up, basically just causing an endless cycle. :/

I just keep falling apart.

 

[Kipp]

Oof. I keep getting sore teeth/gums from grinding and clenching my teeth constantly due to the SSRIs. That's probably the side effect that makes me feel craziest, constantly grinding my teeth or chewing on my cheeks or tongue to stop from grinding my teeth.
It could be much worse though. That's the only side effect that's noticeable at the moment. Actually, that and slight tremors. All the others seem to have faded out already, so that's good.

I had another breakdown last night, I was just kneeling begging my mother to tell me everything was going to be okay.

The incessant thoughts inside my head are slowly driving me mad, the feeling of being upset not only with my life, my family, and everything else is bad enough but the nightmares and the incessant OCD thought loop that's plagued me for the last 3 years is just getting too much. I really hope that maybe medication works, that this whole psychology thing works out. I haven't gotten to bed before 4am for the last couple weeks, on top of that my fibromyalgia and SRA is flaring really bad to the point where I have no desire to move or leave the house...

Which is also kind of related to my mental issues as I've been having issues with agoraphobia and paranoia.

I just feel like I'm falling apart, I overheard my mother and father talking and finances are look even worse and I don't know how much longer everything is going to hold together.

I hate this, I miss the times where I used to enjoy life and felt inspired even though everything was fucked up. Now I'm just constantly miserable, and the moments where I find myself even happy for a moment are incredibly fleeting, bordering on forcing myself to feel happy when I'm not.

I pretty much just sleep all day now, and I can't sleep at night due to insomnia which causes me to stay up, basically just causing an endless cycle. :/

I just keep falling apart.

Hang in there, RoyaleDuke.
I really hope the medication works as well. When did you start taking it?

 

[ampere]

i'm lonely.

was having a good day, getting some things done, getting some good drum practice in and happy with how that's coming along, the weather's finally nice.... then a took a nap, woke up later than I expected, went out to get a bite to eat, and everyone's walking around with friends, hanging out on their porches drinking beers and smoking week, having parties, and suddenly I feel like shit. I could've written almost the exact same post ten years ago. I swear to god I hate myself, fuck.

Sorry to hear it. Have you tried a dating app to look for friends or partners? Even casual dating could be a good way to meet people. Worth a shot!

 

[pixelation]

I feel like death is drawing close to me.

 

[Piano]

I just deleted a long depressing ass post because it was so pathetic. Honestly just being to vent here is amazing. Ive been searching for help in my area but i dont know how to go on about doing that. Internet searches just give me a huge list of therapists in my area with a paragraph trying to sell themselves to me

As Kipp said you can ask for a referral from your GP; alternatively, you can get a list of covered doctors from your insurance provider and then just sorta....pick one, arbitrarily. Or rather, start calling around; some might not have any space, and there may be others where, after an appointment, you see that they're not your type of doc. It's one of those things that you'll figure out a bit as you go.

I just keep falling apart.

I'm really sorry to hear things are looking grim right now, friend. Do you have a next step in treatment some time this week? You sounded very hopeful about that.

I feel like death is drawing close to me.

In what way? What does it feel like?

Sorry I've been scarce in the thread, will probably be sporadic for the next week. Traveling this week and had a tough interpersonal situation come up yesterday.

Love to all.

<3

 

[Kipp]

Been a tough weekend for me. The physical side effects of the SSRI dosage increase have mostly gone away, but the positive effects (hopefully) haven't kicked in yet. That can't happen soon enough.
But when I think about it, it's only been a month since I even started taking the SSRIs, even disregarding the time to adjust to the dosage increase, so it all still needs time. Time seems to be going really slow waiting for the SSRIs to kick in though. I'll hang in there though.

Sorry I've been scarce in the thread, will probably be sporadic for the next week. Traveling this week and had a tough interpersonal situation come up yesterday.

Love to all.

<3

I hope you have a nice time travelling!
And best of luck with the interpersonal situation. If you need any support, we're here for you.

 

[AdaWong]

I had another breakdown last night, I was just kneeling begging my mother to tell me everything was going to be okay.

The incessant thoughts inside my head are slowly driving me mad, the feeling of being upset not only with my life, my family, and everything else is bad enough but the nightmares and the incessant OCD thought loop that's plagued me for the last 3 years is just getting too much. I really hope that maybe medication works, that this whole psychology thing works out. I haven't gotten to bed before 4am for the last couple weeks, on top of that my fibromyalgia and SRA is flaring really bad to the point where I have no desire to move or leave the house...

Which is also kind of related to my mental issues as I've been having issues with agoraphobia and paranoia.

I just feel like I'm falling apart, I overheard my mother and father talking and finances are look even worse and I don't know how much longer everything is going to hold together.

I hate this, I miss the times where I used to enjoy life and felt inspired even though everything was fucked up. Now I'm just constantly miserable, and the moments where I find myself even happy for a moment are incredibly fleeting, bordering on forcing myself to feel happy when I'm not.

I pretty much just sleep all day now, and I can't sleep at night due to insomnia which causes me to stay up, basically just causing an endless cycle. :/

I just keep falling apart.

Nah, you're not falling apart at all. The part about finances and more responsiblities is not because of your mental illnesses, it's a part of growing up. Those obstacles and hardships were always there; we just never saw them when we were younger (which is ghe time where you used to enjoy life as you said). It's normal, in fact, if you feel those responsible and realize that nothing is as easy as it was it means that you are living a pretty normal life!

Just accept the fact that problems and stressful events will always be there. Even if one goes away, one will replace it. Good part? You will always overcome them. Don't let stress make you think that you're falling apart, when it's actually helping you. When you master how to deal with stressful situations, you will be UNSTOPPABLE! And I completely believe you can master that. It will take time, but you will learn to master stress.

I feel like death is drawing close to me.

That's true.
It's also true to me, and to everyone. Death is going to come to all of us and we never know when. It's life!
So make the most of the time when you're alive! Help people and make them smile, and help yourself and let your little cute soul smile too.

Been a tough weekend for me. The physical side effects of the SSRI dosage increase have mostly gone away, but the positive effects (hopefully) haven't kicked in yet. That can't happen soon enough.
But when I think about it, it's only been a month since I even started taking the SSRIs, even disregarding the time to adjust to the dosage increase, so it all still needs time. Time seems to be going really slow waiting for the SSRIs to kick in though. I'll hang in there though.

Pfft, with this attitude you're rocking, you will see the positive effects SOONER than you might think. Mark my words and bookmark this post.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I'm sick of school. I want to graduate so badly. There's a chance I won't make it and get my degree. I would share the same sentiment like my brother of wanting to go back to school if I wasn't there for a long time. But as of now, I want to get out of there. I'm tired of it all because I'm not smart nor do I have a passion for my major. The reason why I keep going is because of my family. Yes, I know what people will ask me. "Why did you choose your major?" The answer is stupid. It doesn't matter anyways since I have nothing that I'm interested in when I viewed the lists of majors on a schools website. I hate programming and programming hates me. I easily give up on doing things. Giving up sucks, but that's what I do when I can't figure things out on my own.

 

[Grug]

Been on citalopram for GAD for about 2 months now. Miraculous. Wish I didn't unequivocally resist SSRIs for so long. Really helping me maximise the benefits of my cognitive behavioral therapy as well.

That said, I woke up on Saturday night in the midst of my first ever depersonalization attack. That is some unsettling stuff if you've never experienced it before.

 

[Kipp]

Goodness. I have absolutely nothing in me today.

 

[User 479360]

I've had my ups and downs over the last couple of weeks, and have had some bad days where I've had little energy and motivation. A lot of it has to do with being single and lonely, plus always worrying about a family member's health.

There's a lot on my plate as a caregiver.

I have a ton of pills left (Cymbalta), but it's not really working. They're free trials my psychiatrist kept giving me. I'd say I have about 150 pills.

My main issue right now is sleep. I sleep for a few hours here and there, and the best I ever really do is five. I usually wake up after the first couple or few hours, eventually fall back asleep, then wake up every hour.

I hope you're all doing okay today and that things are improving. I also recommend donating blood for free if you can, because it makes you feel good about yourself and helping others.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Hang in there, RoyaleDuke.
I really hope the medication works as well. When did you start taking it?

I haven't gotten to the Psychiatrist yet to see what they want to prescribe me, and now I am going to have to wait nearly a week to see the Psych because the people around here are illiterate. Thanks though, you people are wonderful.

Nah, you're not falling apart at all. The part about finances and more responsiblities is not because of your mental illnesses, it's a part of growing up. Those obstacles and hardships were always there; we just never saw them when we were younger (which is ghe time where you used to enjoy life as you said). It's normal, in fact, if you feel those responsible and realize that nothing is as easy as it was it means that you are living a pretty normal life!

Just accept the fact that problems and stressful events will always be there. Even if one goes away, one will replace it. Good part? You will always overcome them. Don't let stress make you think that you're falling apart, when it's actually helping you. When you master how to deal with stressful situations, you will be UNSTOPPABLE! And I completely believe you can master that. It will take time, but you will learn to master stress.

My problem is that everything has been constant stress for years now, I've been in a bad place watching my parents and our lives continue to spiral down instead of getting better. It fucking sucks, I've done everything I could and I hate it. I just hope once I finish and edit my novel into a form that I can send to publishers that it somehow helps our situation, I have several ideas for several novels that I'd like to write. I just need to get better physically and mentally, physically because my shoulder surgery keeps me away from my PC until I'm fully recovered and can type for long periods.

Thanks for the words, in a way you are correct. I appreciate everything.

I'm really sorry to hear things are looking grim right now, friend. Do you have a next step in treatment some time this week? You sounded very hopeful about that.

Yeah I was supposed to see the Psych today but apparently the people here can't fucking read and somehow managed to completely get my information wrong even though they had me verify everything twenty times before I left. Apparently the appointment was cancelled and they kept calling the incorrect number because some dipshit fudged my information despite me, again making sure everything was correct before I left. This city sucks, I hate Greeley most of the people here are about as smart as rocks and most of them literally can't read. I've had people ask me what signs say, STOP SIGNS ffs.

On top of all that this is the third time that they told me to go to the incorrect location, which ended up causing me to miss my (unbeknownst to me), cancelled appointment.

I told them I needed to be seen ASAP, it was bad enough waiting a week and a half for this appointment. I need help and these stupid fucking people don't even bother to call me when my appointment was cancelled.

I'm sorry if I seem really angry, it's just that they tried to put it all on my end when I wrote down the correct numbers and confirmed everything with them but the people they have there are illiterate.

I'm also grumpy because I'm in a lot of pain from my fibromyalgia and my SRA, and the shitty morning didn't help. On top of that I have to figure out why my Mobo is spitting out H3 error codes, which apparently not even ASrock has heard of. :/

And Piano thanks for talking to me again, and I am really sorry to hear about your problems, you are one of the nicest people on GAF and you are so important to us here in the Mental Health thread. I hope things get better for you, because you deserve it.

<3

 

[Aeonin]

Did you get some kind of SSRI?

A job interview overlapped my medication appointment, so I haven't got anything in hand just yet. I called to reschedule, but just got a voicemail. So I'm going to call again tomorrow.

Good news is that my 2nd interview was today - didn't get the job officially just yet. They said they would call me by the end of the week. We'll see what happens.

 

[Acid08]

Saw my psych again yesterday after about a month on Zoloft. 100mg wasn't doing anything for me so she stepped me up to 200mg and we're meeting again in a month. She said that if I still don't feel anything that we'll try something else. Here's hoping for the best.

 

[A Human Becoming]

What the hell is wrong with me? I keep making bad decisions and don't follow through with plans. I waste so much time. It feels like there are invisible chains holding me back.

 

[Shinypogs]

Need to call the pharmacist tomorrow and see if they've gotten my alternate meds worked out yet. I had three fucking nightmares in one night. I'd like to be able to sleep a solid 7-8 hours again someday if we can ever sort out a sleeping med I can take without fucking with my citalopram.

Talking to family my multi months related nightmares ( being hunted by the same talking crocodile) as a kid stopped as soon as I moved in with new family members and felt safe. Current nightmares since January are not related in that sense but all feature me being hunted, attacked, raped, tortured etc so they still share a common theme. I have no idea how to make myself feel safer though and if that would even help in this case.

I have a new date for my disability tribunal and legal aid should be contacting me in a week or so to work out the details of representing me. I have hope again although it's the cautious sort. If this tribunal fails I don;t know that I have the strength to go through the application process and wait again for up to another year and a half.

On a brighter note I haven't felt the need to call the crisis line again and the regular check in from a family member give me a better outlook on how alone I'm actually not and how much my existence apparently means to some people. things may not be great right now but they are for the time being better.

 

[Liljagare]

For sleep issues, actually found that Kirklands Sleepaid works wonders, no prescription needed, for me.

Worked better with no aftereffects than most other stuff I've been given.

 

[Piano]

Yeah I was supposed to see the Psych today but apparently the people here can't fucking read and somehow managed to completely get my information wrong even though they had me verify everything twenty times before I left. Apparently the appointment was cancelled and they kept calling the incorrect number because some dipshit fudged my information despite me, again making sure everything was correct before I left. This city sucks, I hate Greeley most of the people here are about as smart as rocks and most of them literally can't read. I've had people ask me what signs say, STOP SIGNS ffs.

On top of all that this is the third time that they told me to go to the incorrect location, which ended up causing me to miss my (unbeknownst to me), cancelled appointment.

I told them I needed to be seen ASAP, it was bad enough waiting a week and a half for this appointment. I need help and these stupid fucking people don't even bother to call me when my appointment was cancelled.

I'm sorry if I seem really angry, it's just that they tried to put it all on my end when I wrote down the correct numbers and confirmed everything with them but the people they have there are illiterate.

I'm also grumpy because I'm in a lot of pain from my fibromyalgia and my SRA, and the shitty morning didn't help. On top of that I have to figure out why my Mobo is spitting out H3 error codes, which apparently not even ASrock has heard of. :/

And Piano thanks for talking to me again, and I am really sorry to hear about your problems, you are one of the nicest people on GAF and you are so important to us here in the Mental Health thread. I hope things get better for you, because you deserve it.

<3

Eek, the confusion about the appointment sounds really frustrating, sorry to hear that. I think it makes sense to be angry about that - it's a reasonable thing to be upset about, especially when it sounds like there are other things adding on to the frustration.

I'm in no position to definitively say where Greely ranks in the grand echelon of city quality but I can tell you there are frustrating people and situations in every place. I've yet to find the perfect utopia we all wish we could live in.

I don't have a whole lot more to add right now but I hope you're able to keep your eye on the prize here (getting into an appointment!) and keep marching forward with that goal in mind. Please keep us posted, and thanks for the kind words

Saw my psych again yesterday after about a month on Zoloft. 100mg wasn't doing anything for me so she stepped me up to 200mg and we're meeting again in a month. She said that if I still don't feel anything that we'll try something else. Here's hoping for the best.

We're all hoping for the best! Good news is if Zoloft doesn't work out there are plenty of other options. Zoloft is a popular one but, unfortunately, it doesn't work for everyone.

What the hell is wrong with me? I keep making bad decisions and don't follow through with plans. I waste so much time. It feels like there are invisible chains holding me back.

The question is, what are those chains made of? What do they feel like? What gives them the power to hold you back?

For sleep issues, actually found that Kirklands Sleepaid works wonders, no prescription needed, for me.

Worked better with no aftereffects than most other stuff I've been given.

Is that a chamomile tea? I've found that Celestial Seasonings SleepyTime tea works really well for me, I'm sure they're basically the same thing.

Only problem is ... when I drink a cup of tea right before bed sometimes I wake up having to pee after a few hours. Worth it, though.

<3

 

[A Human Becoming]

Is life too short to be sad? That question just came to me after watching a video regarding how we spend our time.

The question is, what are those chains made of? What do they feel like? What gives them the power to hold you back?

Doubt, anxiety and indecision. It feels like they're stretching my brain, chest and stomach. What gives them power is my own mind. It's all a mind game.

 

[Bagels]

Is life too short to be sad? That question just came to me after watching a video regarding how we spend our time.

Doubt, anxiety and indecision. It feels like they're stretching my brain, chest and stomach. What gives them power is my own mind. It's all a mind game.

I think *sadness*, as distinct from depression, is a very healthy, essential part of life. There is a bit of an idea, in modern life, that we should all be happy all of the time. With the internet and social media and smart phones, there's a very real drive to constantly be checking things and messaging people and chasing another moments' stimulus. I'm super guilty of that and I have to constantly reevaluate how I am using twitter, GAF, etc etc. But..I dunno. I guess I believe that a full, rich, fulfilling life spans all of the emotions we have. You can sort of truck along at a few ticks above neutral by chasing things to make you happy moment to moment, but if you want the higher highs, you kind of need to put up with the lower lows.

Beyond my musings on this crap, I think it's important to keep in mind why depression has its own name, and why it is so hard to deal with. Sadness, as a normal human emotion, has a cause, and an effect. There is often growth and change that comes from dealing with sad things. Being sad is one stage in the response to tragedy and setbacks. Depression's defining characteristic is the awful feelings that accompany normal sadness, but without clear causes, or out of proportion to those causes, and the effects tend to deepen those feelings. You can grow from depression in the longer term, and I know I have, but getting out of a depressive episode really doesn't have that same characteristic of coming to terms with a thing, dealing with it, and coming out stronger. People often just sort of flop out of them, exhausted, and without any kind of resolution. It's the pointlessness of depression that sucks so very much.

So sure, being happy is great. Life is too short. Being sad all the time is a shitty way to spend your time. But I completely reject the suggestion that depression is some kind of moral failing - that any of us are fundamentally choosing to be "sad" and it's just a matter of appreciating our time here in earth. Illnesses don't work like that. Life's too short to be diabetic, too, but fuck if just saying that cures anything.

There are elements of choice involved at some stages of depression, in some people. There is some truth there. But the larger suggestion is almost always that people have just chosen to have this fake thing we call depression and they need to just start smiling and get out there and live. No. Fuck anyone who says that.

 

[Kipp]

Great post, Bagels.


Also, I managed to have quite a nice day today. Definitely despite my depression rather than because the meds are starting to kick in, but a win is a win. Especially after such an all around terrible day yesterday, it felt good to have a good day today.

 

[Agremont]

I don't know if it's the right thread for this but it's 7 am here and I haven't been able to sleep because of angst/anxitey problems. Everytime I've dozed off I've woken up hyperventilating and a feeling of panic in my chest. I feel really nauseous as well. It won't let me sleep.

Now I'm starting to feel crap because I haven't slept and eaten for a while too.

I just wanted to get it off my chest. It feels good to write about it.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

 

[grap3fruitman]

I hope this was illuminating for you. Let me know if you have any questions.

I can't seem to ask the right questions so I've just stopped. Nothing's changed, if you were wondering. I still don't understand a thing or know what to do. I really wish I did.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

Almost every night for the last two months.

 

[Sifl]

I don't know if it's the right thread for this but it's 7 am here and I haven't been able to sleep because of angst/anxitey problems. Everytime I've dozed off I've woken up hyperventilating and a feeling of panic in my chest. I feel really nauseous as well. It won't let me sleep.

Now I'm starting to feel crap because I haven't slept and eaten for a while too.

I just wanted to get it off my chest. It feels good to write about it.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

Yea, i don't know if you want any advice but when this happens to me I try to reinforce the idea that nothing is wrong. I tell myself that nothing's going to happen because this has happened before and I always end up being fine. It doesn't go away completely, but I eventually I calm down to the point where I can focus on going to sleep.

 

[Agremont]

Yea, i don't know if you want any advice but when this happens to me I try to reinforce the idea that nothing is wrong. I tell myself that nothing's going to happen because this has happened before and I always end up being fine. It doesn't go away completely, but I eventually I calm down to the point where I can focus on going to sleep.

I try to do that but it has not been enough. I'll keep trying though. The thing is, I don't actually feel worried or scared about anything really. Like there's no thought that seems to be triggering it.

 

[Sifl]

I try to do that but it has not been enough. I'll keep trying though. The thing is, I don't actually feel worried or scared about anything really. Like there's no thought that seems to be triggering it.

I've had panic attacks all my life, sometimes they happened when I was really stressed out and I reached a tipping point. Other times there was nothing wrong, and all of a sudden I get a very eerie/uneasy feeling, then my throat feels like it's closing and the panic sets in. They can occur whenever. It's possible that because it happened to you once, you're being anxious about it, causing it to happen every night now. Try your best to fight it, good luck.

 

[Brqan]

Why do people always give me shit for Telling them I'm alright or just ok when they ask how I am!

 

[Agremont]

I've had panic attacks all my life, sometimes they happened when I was really stressed out and I reached a tipping point. Other times there was nothing wrong, and all of a sudden I get a very eerie/uneasy feeling, then my throat feels like it's closing and the panic sets in. They can occur whenever. It's possible that because it happened to you once, you're being anxious about it, causing it to happen every night now. Try your best to fight it, good luck.

I see. Luckily I don't have them every night, but hopefully it doesn't start to be like that.

Just had a couple or so hours of sleep at least.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Eek, the confusion about the appointment sounds really frustrating, sorry to hear that. I think it makes sense to be angry about that - it's a reasonable thing to be upset about, especially when it sounds like there are other things adding on to the frustration.

I'm in no position to definitively say where Greely ranks in the grand echelon of city quality but I can tell you there are frustrating people and situations in every place. I've yet to find the perfect utopia we all wish we could live in.

I don't have a whole lot more to add right now but I hope you're able to keep your eye on the prize here (getting into an appointment!) and keep marching forward with that goal in mind. Please keep us posted, and thanks for the kind words


<3

Again, thank you it's just nice to know other people understand. Also, you are welcome Piano. <33333 You da bes.

Anyway general update for everyone here.

I saw my Psych/therapist lady today and she is really nice and more understanding than any I've had before. She actually seemed to be really worried and interested in my problems and solving them, and supremely empathetic and amazed at how hard my life has been, continues to be. For years I've felt like I was crazy, but to hear someone tell me I'm not, that the odds were stacked against me in multiple ways. The sense of relief I can't really describe.

The diagnosis was OCD and Major Depressive Disorder, which is a relief that maybe I can conquer this with her help.

The way they have med prescriptions set up is weird, I have to schedule it with a separate entity known as Med Evaluation, and go from there. The good news is that she told me that if I decide to not take my meds or if they don't help me I can quit and it won't be listed as a denial of help or services which is a huge boon, since that was a big contingency thing with a lot of consequences in the papers I signed.

I feel a little better today, progress and I have another appointment scheduled and I should hear back from Med Eval later this week.

 

[Kipp]

Again, thank you it's just nice to know other people understand. Also, you are welcome Piano. <33333 You da bes.

Anyway general update for everyone here.

I saw my Psych/therapist lady today and she is really nice and more understanding than any I've had before. She actually seemed to be really worried and interested in my problems and solving them, and supremely empathetic and amazed at how hard my life has been, continues to be. For years I've felt like I was crazy, but to hear someone tell me I'm not, that the odds were stacked against me in multiple ways. The sense of relief I can't really describe.

The diagnosis was OCD and Major Depressive Disorder, which is a relief that maybe I can conquer this with her help.

The way they have med prescriptions set up is weird, I have to schedule it with a separate entity known as Med Evaluation, and go from there. The good news is that she told me that if I decide to not take my meds or if they don't help me I can quit and it won't be listed as a denial of help or services which is a huge boon, since that was a big contingency thing with a lot of consequences in the papers I signed.

I feel a little better today, progress and I have another appointment scheduled and I should hear back from Med Eval later this week.

Glad to hear it, RoyaleDuke! That's great news!

 

[BadTaste]

one of those nights

 

[Aeonin]

..Greeley..

I'm in Greeley too. You go to Northrange? They seemed alright. And yeah, people in this city are a hoot.

My doc didn't say what my official diagnosis is. Just that he thought I was depressed and did not have ADD.

 

[pager99]

im having a funny day,sometimes i feel im on edge with all this paranoia in my mind then i stop worrying and feel much better but yeah its annoying as fuck when i get upset for whatever reason ,i dont want to be like that
alsolets keep in our thoughts and prayers for the poor humiliated solewhich is jerome boateng and wish a speedy recovery after messi descimated him

 

[Malfunky]

Does anyone here ever feel physically completely out of it? Spacey, foggy headed, and completely uncomfortable from head to toe? My symptoms are a bit difficult to describe, but it feels like at any moment any exertion would cause me to become disoriented or faint.

I've been dealing with this issue for almost 3 years now and haven't found any real solution or even cause of the flare-ups I'm having. I've seen multiple professionals and the only things that have been suggested are anxiety, depression, and IBS. I realize diagnosing these sorts of things with any acuity isn't exactly simple, but I just got a new physically demanding job that I really, really need to keep and feeling like I'm gonna die or pass out during a shift is causing a lot of anxiety.

I know this all sort of vague and non-specific, but I'm hoping to hear people have any experience dealing with or, hopefully, overcoming similar debilitating issues.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I hate programming. The homework on linked list and vector class are annoying. I'm so angry that she's going to give us another homework once I'm done with this one. Or I might not be done at all. Seriously, next week is the last week of lectures and a perfect week to review finals. And all she's going to give us is another homework? Why? I wouldn't want another homework because I don't want to focus too much on it, and more on reviewing for the finals. How she handles homework, grades, and lectures pisses me off to the fullest. I don't think I'm going to pass her class anyways. Did badly on the midterm, struggling as I go, and homeworks were hard. At the end of the day, it's all about the grades. If I do fail, I hope I get a better teacher that actually makes the material clear enough for me to understand unlike her.

 

[Piano]

I think *sadness*, as distinct from depression, is a very healthy, essential part of life.

Wonderfully insightful post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Bagels

I don't know if it's the right thread for this but it's 7 am here and I haven't been able to sleep because of angst/anxitey problems. Everytime I've dozed off I've woken up hyperventilating and a feeling of panic in my chest. I feel really nauseous as well. It won't let me sleep.

Now I'm starting to feel crap because I haven't slept and eaten for a while too.

I just wanted to get it off my chest. It feels good to write about it.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

The similar experiences I've had have happened when I have some thoughts / feelings / anxiety I am avoiding and try to go to sleep anyways. It's almost as if in that moment of just barely falling asleep I finally let down my last guard and then the feelings overwhelm me and my heart races.

It sounds a bit different than that, but still sounds like it could be an anxiety issue. Have you tried some gentle sleep aids, such as chamomile tea? (it works, I swear!). Those may work for you, or you may have to start taking a bigger look at the anxieties that gather in the back of your mind and find ways to alleviate them / let them through so they don't accumulate and overwhelm you all at once.

I can't seem to ask the right questions so I've just stopped. Nothing's changed, if you were wondering. I still don't understand a thing or know what to do. I really wish I did.

I, and several others, think it would be tremendously helpful for you to start seeing a therapist! A psychiatrist could also be helpful, but therapy can often illuminate more clearly what issues need to be dealt with using medicine.

I think my earlier post had pretty straightforward tips on finding a good therapist. Do you need more guidance on where to start in finding a therapist?

Or if you've got an intake / referral program nearby like RoyalDuke's been interacting with that can be great, too, since they assess you and decide where you should start.

Again, thank you it's just nice to know other people understand. Also, you are welcome Piano. <33333 You da bes.

Anyway general update for everyone here.

I saw my Psych/therapist lady today and she is really nice and more understanding than any I've had before. She actually seemed to be really worried and interested in my problems and solving them, and supremely empathetic and amazed at how hard my life has been, continues to be. For years I've felt like I was crazy, but to hear someone tell me I'm not, that the odds were stacked against me in multiple ways. The sense of relief I can't really describe.

The diagnosis was OCD and Major Depressive Disorder, which is a relief that maybe I can conquer this with her help.

The way they have med prescriptions set up is weird, I have to schedule it with a separate entity known as Med Evaluation, and go from there. The good news is that she told me that if I decide to not take my meds or if they don't help me I can quit and it won't be listed as a denial of help or services which is a huge boon, since that was a big contingency thing with a lot of consequences in the papers I signed.

I feel a little better today, progress and I have another appointment scheduled and I should hear back from Med Eval later this week.

I had a huge smile on my face reading that, it sounds like it went really well! Try to remember this feeling of hope and carry it forward with you as best i can, as there will naturally be some ups and downs as you keep living and learning.

I'm glad you feel the diagnosis is accurate - it'll likely continue to be refined as you continue to see doctors and you learn more but if you already feel like it describes what you're going through I think you're starting in a great place.

Keep us updated!

one of those nights

I hope you're able to make to through to smoother waters, friend. Keep us posted if there's anything we can do.

<3 to all

 

[jb1234]

Things are really, really, really bad here. It's like I've gone past the point where I'm at the end of my rope and now I'm holding whatever exists after the end (as inelegantly put as that sounds). TMJ is a component of fibromyalgia and it has started to really flare up for me, which sends jabbing pain up around my ears. Just listening to music or watching television has become an agonizing affair, which has sent my mental health (what little remains) to a very dire, very suicidal place. One of the last comforts I had left was my music and now, even that is gone. I've been crying almost non-stop for the last week.

I'm trying to distract myself by writing a song for a poem that a dear friend of mine wrote but even that is going very slowly, given the whole ear problem and the times that I have to spend in bed (thanks to the crushing fatigue, which has become much worse this year). I find myself back in the same head space I was two years ago, when I told myself I'd finish the piece I was writing and then off myself. Truth is, the last two years have been the worst of my life and part of me wishes that I had took my life back when I originally planned.

For the last thirteen years, all I've done is lived in the past because my present has been so horrible. Desperately wanting to have my career again. Desperately wanting to travel and see the world. Desperately wanting to see a look on my mom's face other than extreme sadness. Desperately wanting to have friendships back that have faded. But the past is the past. I can't go back, no matter how much I may want to. And as I have no future, I see no reason to stick around in the present. But first, I have a song to finish. I want to make it my masterpiece.

SAWAP, all. I hope that your lives turn out better than mine did.

 

[Kipp]

Something I've been curious about for a while: Does anyone else here with depression not remember a time when you weren't depressed? Like, I've always been kind of lost at the "back to your old self" and the "not enjoying things you once enjoyed" statements, because I genuinely don't know what my old self/healthy baseline was.
I guess that's why I'm most excited to see if this medication works, because if it does, I'll be able to experience feeling normal for the first time that I can remember.

SAWAP, all. I hope that your lives turn out better than mine did.

I'm not in a good enough place myself where I'd be able to write the type of encouraging reply that would probably be preferred, so I'll leave that to someone else, but I just wanted to say that I genuinely hope things improve for you mentally and physically.

Also, what kind of music do you write? Do you have any recordings? I'd love to listen if you're comfortable sharing it.

 

[DamagedInc]

I've just stumbled across this thread and I will go back and read it a bit at a time, i've finally owned up to myself and my partner that I've got some issues going on, it's going to be a long slow road but i'm determined to get through it.

Thanks to whoever started this thread.

 

[zeemumu]

There's nothing going horribly wrong but there's not much going on worth talking about. I'm trying to work on being happy by myself so the idea of being in a relationship doesn't start taking its toll on my mind.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Now I went from C- back to D+ in my c++ class because I failed my second quiz. Why do I even try? This discourages me a lot, and I want to quit.

 

[Shinobes]

Anyone have any experience with Zyprexa? Particularly dosage and the fatigue, and how it effects cognitive function. Been on it for a few weeks and feel dumb as shit.

Also, for those with experience with Benzos, I have been on .25 mg of Klonopin once a day every day for about a year now. I realize this is a low dose, but what should i expect for withdrawals?

Something I've been curious about for a while: Does anyone else here with depression not remember a time when you weren't depressed? Like, I've always been kind of lost at the "back to your old self" and the "not enjoying things you once enjoyed" statements, because I genuinely don't know what my old self/healthy baseline was.
I guess that's why I'm most excited to see if this medication works, because if it does, I'll be able to experience feeling normal for the first time that I can remember.

Once depression is there long enough, it becomes the baseline for what normal is. I have to reach back years, to childhood, to remember what "normal" under that definition is. Medication can work though; I took Paxil for about 6 months and it actually had me feeling great relative to the depressive baseline. But the toll it took on my stomach and my dick became too much, especially the stomach. So its good to be hopeful for positive benifits from medication, they can work. Dont know what your past experience with meds is, but for me its been super trial and error to see what works. Hope it works for you.

 

[Kipp]

Once depression is there long enough, it becomes the baseline for what normal is. I have to reach back years, to childhood, to remember what "normal" under that definition is. Medication can work though; I took Paxil for about 6 months and it actually had me feeling great relative to the depressive baseline. But the toll it took on my stomach and my dick became too much, especially the stomach. So its good to be hopeful for positive benifits from medication, they can work. Dont know what your past experience with meds is, but for me its been super trial and error to see what works. Hope it works for you.

I've got a pretty awful memory and I can't even remember back to my childhood (I'm only 22, so it's not like it was SO long ago, but even still), so I've really got no idea what my healthy baseline is.

Sorry to hear that Paxil didn't end up working out for you. I hope you're able to find something that works for you soon.

I'm on Escitalopram (generic Lexapro) and it's the first medication I've been on. Luckily the side effects have pretty much gone away entirely (and sexual side effects aren't really an issue since I have a super low libido anyways), so if the positive effects kick in like they should, things should be looking up for me.

 

[BlueSummers]

Me and the gf broke up last night after dating for nearly 6 years and I'm not handling it very well. We have so many memories and such history together.I've been trying not to cry in front of customers at work all day. Feels bad man.