Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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Vibe, don't let the girl be your major influence in deciding what college you go to. You go to the college you want to go to, whether she's going to it or not. You want to stay closer to home? Fine. Want to go to a farther away school to get a clean slate of sorts? Also fine. Both have their ups and downs.

But don't let the question "Well, is it the school she's going to?" even factor into that decision. It shouldn't matter; she's a friend (I assume? I apologize, I'm at work and I only skimmed the posts as the replies piled up fast lol), and she's rejected you whether she says she's "open to dating in the future" or not. You can still be friends with her if you go to different schools; or you can not be friends with her. Whatever. Anyway, it's your future, and blunt as this may seem, she's probably not going to be a major part in it anytime soon. Don't let what is ultimately a trivial thing affect what is possibly a pivotal point in your life (as college is, in fact, a pivotal point in life for quite a few people, in varying ways).

This is something that I speak from personal experience, which is why I'm so blunt about it (sorry). Do what you want, not what you think is best for some relationship that isn't there. Even if you two were dating, I wouldn't recommend it. Just do what you think is best for YOUR future, not your fantasy future with your friend.
 
Alright here's a question for y'all, specific to online dating.

Am I forever going to be playing handicapped because of my imperfect teeth? For some context, they're perfectly healthy and clean (brush twice daily, floss), I just grew up without being able to afford braces and at this point it would take a couple years to get it corrected which is why I haven't done it. Invisilign isn't an option, I've asked a few dentists.

I ask because I just got home from a first date with a gal from OKC. We hit it off, stayed until closing of the restaurant, and talked about going to a concert together soon as well. However I noticed her looking down at my mouth a couple times while talking, and she didn't seem interested in reciprocating contact when I put my arm around her while walking back as it was chilly and windy. Hug at the end, while mentioning the concert again.

I'm left feeling like I'm already placed as a friend in her eyes as a result. I'll try asking them on a second date soon, I'm really bad about making second plans right away because I don't even know my own schedule, and find out definitively. Just my initial thoughts after tonight. I feel like the night could have gone a lot better but maybe I'm over analyzing.

edit: Being paranoid, just need to focus on bold.
 
AcridMeat said:
Am I forever going to be playing handicapped because of my imperfect teeth? For some context, they're perfectly healthy and clean (brush twice daily, floss), I just grew up without being able to afford braces and at this point it would take a couple years to get it corrected which is why I haven't done it. Invisilign isn't an option, I've asked a few dentists.
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Can you describe exactly what they look like or include some sort of pic? I think some imperfect teeth are fine but others would be a turnoff.

I wore braces during college and for a couple years afterwards. I went on dates without issues.
 
AcridMeat said:
Alright here's a question for y'all, specific to online dating.

Am I forever going to be playing handicapped because of my imperfect teeth? For some context, they're perfectly healthy and clean (brush twice daily, floss), I just grew up without being able to afford braces and at this point it would take a couple years to get it corrected which is why I haven't done it. Invisilign isn't an option, I've asked a few dentists.

I ask because I just got home from a first date with a gal from OKC. We hit it off, stayed until closing of the restaurant, and talked about going to a concert together soon as well. However I noticed her looking down at my mouth a couple times while talking, and she didn't seem interested in reciprocating contact when I put my arm around her while walking back as it was chilly and windy. Hug at the end, while mentioning the concert again.

I'm left feeling like I'm already placed as a friend in her eyes as a result. I'll try asking them on a second date soon, I'm really bad about making second plans right away because I don't even know my own schedule, and find out definitively. Just my initial thoughts after tonight. I feel like the night could have gone a lot better but maybe I'm over analyzing.

edit: Being paranoid, just need to focus on bold.
Click to expand...

Without pictures, it's hard to say where it's at. Most of the time, it's the fact that you're self-conscious about it that's the problem, not the teeth themselves.
 
So I've been dating this girl for about a month now, seeing her 3 or 4 times a week and spending a lot of time together, cooking her dinners, etc. I feel like we're getting a bit more serious about things, but when I mentioned the idea of becoming an item, she said that most of her guy-friends she's talked to about it in the past say to wait at least 3 months before things get serious and monogamous (big red flag for me, ain't trying to double dip).

Am I some kind of super clingy exception to the rule wanting a relationship after a month, or is 3 months a pretty long time to decide if you want to be in a single-partner relationship with someone?
 
Pickman said:
Am I some kind of super clingy exception to the rule wanting a relationship after a month, or is 3 months a pretty long time to decide if you want to be in a single-partner relationship with someone?
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Yeah, I think it's rushing things. I feel that you become a couple naturally without having to have a discussion about it. Just by spending more time with each other. I would drop the subject and just continue having fun.

I think my wife and I went on 3-4 dates in the first month, then more the next month and so on.
 
Pickman said:
So I've been dating this girl for about a month now, seeing her 3 or 4 times a week and spending a lot of time together, cooking her dinners, etc. I feel like we're getting a bit more serious about things, but when I mentioned the idea of becoming an item, she said that most of her guy-friends she's talked to about it in the past say to wait at least 3 months before things get serious and monogamous (big red flag for me, ain't trying to double dip).

Am I some kind of super clingy exception to the rule wanting a relationship after a month, or is 3 months a pretty long time to decide if you want to be in a single-partner relationship with someone?
Click to expand...

While I agree with the above poster regarding "it should be natural" I think what she said (bolded) is a load of crap. How many guys do you know that have said wait three months before making things official? What kind of guy says that? Either she's lying or her friends suck, which is something to watch out for. There should be no defined time, it's just something that happens when you both want it. Imo, she obviously doesn't want it (at least right now).
 
Pickman said:
So I've been dating this girl for about a month now, seeing her 3 or 4 times a week and spending a lot of time together, cooking her dinners, etc. I feel like we're getting a bit more serious about things, but when I mentioned the idea of becoming an item, she said that most of her guy-friends she's talked to about it in the past say to wait at least 3 months before things get serious and monogamous (big red flag for me, ain't trying to double dip).

Am I some kind of super clingy exception to the rule wanting a relationship after a month, or is 3 months a pretty long time to decide if you want to be in a single-partner relationship with someone?
Click to expand...

This is immaturity on her part (or something else?). Having dating 'rules' is something that a young teenager does. If she's not sure yet and wants to wait, that's one thing. But no logical person is going to be like "Well, I'm super into this guy but we can't be together yet because 3 months hasn't passed yet".
It might just take her a bit of time to get past this mental block and I wouldn't say that you should push it. It's either going to happen naturally or it's not going to happen at all.
 
n64coder said:
Can you describe exactly what they look like or include some sort of pic? I think some imperfect teeth are fine but others would be a turnoff.

I wore braces during college and for a couple years afterwards. I went on dates without issues.
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Septimius said:
Without pictures, it's hard to say where it's at. Most of the time, it's the fact that you're self-conscious about it that's the problem, not the teeth themselves.
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I'm sending a pm with pics. Usually it's not an issue and I'm not self conscious but it got to me last night, probably because the girl I was with looked way better in person haha.

Honestly I'm overreacting.
 
3-4 times a week for a month is 12-15 dates (and in his case they sound like substantial dates). I think that's more than enough time to become official.
 
Tinder in one picture

G9sr4Cl.jpg
 
So I sent the guy the text and I specifically used the phrase "go on a date". It's been over a day since I sent the text and he hasn't responded so I guess he's not interested. Oh well, there are plenty of more fish in the sea.
 
Well the ex I was hoping to get back with told me straight up she just wants to be friends. Which I expected was the case. Still sucks to hear though. Oh well, I guess on the bright side it leaves me no choice but to move on.



Uuuugugghghgh my personality sucks. I just cannot let people go. Even after that I keep thinking "well maybe after a few months she'll be ready!" even though I know it's absolutely not true.
 
ShyMel said:
So I sent the guy the text and I specifically used the phrase "go on a date". It's been over a day since I sent the text and he hasn't responded so I guess he's not interested. Oh well, there are plenty of more fish in the sea.
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I get a little more used to this every time, but that feeling really sucks.
 
Servbot24 said:
Ok, I made an OKC account just to try and help with the moving along process. It's a bit short right now but maybe that's for the best. Feel free to critique it: http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu

Not sure I really want to meet anyone right now, just trying to remind myself that there are people out there.
Click to expand...

To post a link to your OKC profile, you need to create it yourself using this format. They didn't exactly make it clear...
Code: 
https://www.okcupid.com/profile/<your profile name>
 
Servbot24 said:
Well the ex I was hoping to get back with told me straight up she just wants to be friends. Which I expected was the case. Still sucks to hear though. Oh well, I guess on the bright side it leaves me no choice but to move on.



Uuuugugghghgh my personality sucks. I just cannot let people go. Even after that I keep thinking "well maybe after a few months she'll be ready!" even though I know it's absolutely not true.
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Even though she says this try not to be all over her all the time. I'd give her space. Don't attend everything she invites you to and don't invite her to everything. Of course also don't be a dick while doing it. This will accomplish one of two things: one, you yourself move on and hopefully find someone else or two, any glimmer of longing she'll have for you will come out in your growing absence.

Either way you're wasting time staying too attached so don't. An ex of mine did the same thing to me and as soon as I started dating other people she started asking for another chance. Not saying the same will happen to you but you need to take care of yourself first. Start a new hobby, join a club, play in a coed sports team, whatever. Just quit moping and live already!
 
taybul said:
Even though she says this try not to be all over her all the time. I'd give her space. Don't attend everything she invites you to and don't invite her to everything. Of course also don't be a dick while doing it. This will accomplish one of two things: one, you yourself move on and hopefully find someone else or two, any glimmer of longing she'll have for you will come out in your growing absence.

Either way you're wasting time staying too attached so don't. An ex of mine did the same thing to me and as soon as I started dating other people she started asking for another chance. Not saying the same will happen to you but you need to take care of yourself first. Start a new hobby, join a club, play in a coed sports team, whatever. Just quit moping and live already!
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Yeah I'm not planning to see her again for a while.

Sticking with my activities as much as ever, this just sucks the soul out of them for a bit. I know it will get better though.
 
Servbot - I like your profile, actually. Has some good info and a good amount to jump off of. Only thing I'd say is take out the Tumblr page; you can give it to people in messages if they're interested! :D Then again... I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Your call. I think your pics look good overall, too.

Also, this is for you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0gUbeKCUwk
 
Servbot24 said:
Haha yeah, fixed that but not quite in time :P http://www.okcupid.com/profile/stylusian
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I know you used the word Stylus in your username because you do digital art, but did you also intend to use it as a near-homophone of Stylish? 'Cause if so, good show!

Your pics are pretty good. You suited up, you have friends, I've definitely seen worse.

"listen to ab absolute" ab=an?

Don't neglect the food prompt! It can help girls visualize what a date with you might be like. You say something like "and I've just discovered an awesome place for brunch" and you've got a call to action (although some here would respond better to brinner).
 
Ooh thanks for catching the typo

I was aware it looked a bit like Stylish, tbh I'm not that stylish of a guy but figured it wouldn't hurt!

I actually don't really care about food, I eat almost purely for nutrition rather than taste. But I'll make something up for that part.

Thanks for the tips! :)
 
Salamando said:
I suggest you take this time to learn how to hide and block profiles.
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Yeah I hid her profile and texted her to let her know I wasn't stalking.

Also I now have the pleasure of knowing that her not being ready for dating was a bs reason for breaking up with me, and that she's already looking for new d. Fantastic.
 
Yeah I guess. I just have the wrong personality for this. I really treasure people, which is great in the relationship, but when it ends I have a terrible time letting go, and the fact that they move on hurts a lot more than it should.
 
Servbot24 said:
Yeah I guess. I just have the wrong personality for this. I really treasure people, which is great in the relationship, but when it ends I have a terrible time letting go, and the fact that they move on hurts a lot more than it should.
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Yeah seeing her profile could not have felt good for you but you know what? Just think that you're taking charge in your own life and leaving her in the dust. You can do it!
 
Also, you did not need to text her to 'clarify' you weren't stalking. So what if she thinks you are? Not worrying about what she thinks is part of letting go.
 
The girl I mentioned a while back just told me about a date she went on. She didn't even really want to go but her friend egged her into it (basically a blind date from her end). She was explaining how she wanted to break it off with him but didn't want to be rude about it.

I have a bad feeling that means I'm friend-zoned.
 
So... I'm kind of curious...

Is saying something like "you make me feel more calm and relaxed than I've ever felt before. Comfortable, essentially" kind of a common, universal thing when someone is interested in you? I've heard it from every girl that I've been out with so far and couldn't quite be sure if it had something to do with my personality or if it's just one of those basic things that denotes interest.
 
Servbot24 said:
Yeah I guess. I just have the wrong personality for this. I really treasure people, which is great in the relationship, but when it ends I have a terrible time letting go, and the fact that they move on hurts a lot more than it should.
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I feel you. The best thing you can actually do is to focus on something non-relationship related; something that makes you personally happy and is constructive; a hobby, creative pursuit, etc. It's not that it's some magic pill to get rid of feelings, but it sure helps put emotional distance between you and the other person rather than fixating on her.
 
This is probably as good a place as any to describe my problem.

I never had a girlfriend in my life. I'm 30, i'm in wizard mode, and it's all my fault. Every time a girl expresses interest in me, I end up pursuing them a little too aggressively, and I'm unable to read people very well, so when I figure out that I'm being too aggressive, it's too late, they don't want me anymore, I creeped them out. It's an ongoing problem, and it's making me super depressed.

So, this is a two-part question. One, how can I get this under control? And two, what dating site do you guys recommend? I'm worried that I may die alone, and that's something I shouldn't be thinking about at 30.

This really shouldn't be a problem, but it is. Any help is beneficial here.
 
twinturbo2 said:
This is probably as good a place as any to describe my problem.

I never had a girlfriend in my life. I'm 30, i'm in wizard mode, and it's all my fault. Every time a girl expresses interest in me, I end up pursuing them a little too aggressively, and I'm unable to read people very well, so when I figure out that I'm being too aggressive, it's too late, they don't want me anymore, I creeped them out. It's an ongoing problem, and it's making me super depressed.

So, this is a two-part question. One, how can I get this under control? And two, what dating site do you guys recommend? I'm worried that I may die alone, and that's something I shouldn't be thinking about at 30.

This really shouldn't be a problem, but it is. Any help is beneficial here.
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You're going to have to give examples here. What does "too aggressive" mean? In what way do you creep them out?

On dating sites, OkCupid is free and the most popular one around here at least. Tinder is an app that is more focused on hook-ups, but there are definitely people looking for more serious things on there as well. There's also the Online Dating thread.
 
Jokab said:
You're going to have to give examples here. What does "too aggressive" mean? In what way do you creep them out?

On dating sites, OkCupid is free and the most popular one around here at least. Tinder is an app that is more focused on hook-ups, but there are definitely people looking for more serious things on there as well. There's also the Online Dating thread.
Click to expand...

Constant badgering is probably my biggest flaw here. I don't know when to let up until the person is totally repulsed, which ties into my inability to read other people well.

I'll go into the other thread to ask for advice on OKCupid.
 
twinturbo2 said:
Constant badgering is probably my biggest flaw here. I don't know when to let up until the person is totally repulsed, which ties into my inability to read other people well.

I'll go into the other thread to ask for advice on OKCupid.
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Why do you badger them? Set up some guidelines for yourself. I.e. only text every three days, or when texted. Something like that. If you're constantly talking to a girl and asking her out, she'll think you don't have anything else going on in your life.
 
Soo, if the last two girls I met ended the first date by saying "I had a great time and want to meet again" and then I never heard from them again (they ignored my messages after that)...
what is going on then? Bad luck? Aliens?
I don't know how to improve with that kind of mixed feedback.
Any insight?
 
MonorailCat said:
Soo, if the last two girls I met ended the first date by saying "I had a great time and want to meet again" and then I never heard from them again (they ignored my messages after that)...
what is going on then? Bad luck? Aliens?
I don't know how to improve with that kind of mixed feedback.
Any insight?
Click to expand...
Don't put stock into what someone tells you on or after a date. Most people say it so that you don't feel rejected. That way they avoid conflict and get to solve their "problem" by just ignoring you. There is no such thing as feedback, the only feedback that's real is when you find yourself meeting up for a second date.
 
MonorailCat said:
Soo, if the last two girls I met ended the first date by saying "I had a great time and want to meet again" and then I never heard from them again (they ignored my messages after that)...
what is going on then? Bad luck? Aliens?
I don't know how to improve with that kind of mixed feedback.
Any insight?
Click to expand...
It's something people just say, they are being nice. You can't expect someone to say "well, I'm not sure if I want to see you again, I'll think about it."

Just bad luck probably, nothing you can do about it.

What kind of dates did you go on with them?
 
When what they say and what they do is discongruent, remember that actions (or inaction) speak louder than words. Maybe they just wanted to end the date on friendly terms to avoid conflict, or they met someone else, or their cat died. Unless you started harassing them with texts post-date, it's on them, not you.
 
MonorailCat said:
Soo, if the last two girls I met ended the first date by saying "I had a great time and want to meet again" and then I never heard from them again (they ignored my messages after that)...
what is going on then? Bad luck? Aliens?
I don't know how to improve with that kind of mixed feedback.
Any insight?
Click to expand...

Don't worry about it. Chances are that it will happen a few more times as well before someone sticks. It's part of dating. Sucks, I know.
 
stn said:
Don't put stock into what someone tells you on or after a date. Most people say it so that you don't feel rejected. That way they avoid conflict and get to solve their "problem" by just ignoring you. There is no such thing as feedback, the only feedback that's real is when you find yourself meeting up for a second date.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I usually see it as that. But the last girl made quite specific plans on what we can do on the next date. Thats why I believed it was genuine this time.


ClosingADoor said:
Just bad luck probably, nothing you can do about it.
What kind of dates did you go on with them?
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Coffee date for the first one, drinks at a lakeside bar with the other one.
Both about two hours long.

It's just getting annoying, because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have a good time, and it feels (to me) like they had too. And I look like my pictures .. so there should not be a big surprise appearance wise.
And I am too clueless at dating either .. last year I had lots of second dates. But now I striked out 3 times in a row.

Llyranor said:
Unless you started harassing them with texts post-date, it's on them, not you.
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One short text each, one/two days after the date.
 
MonorailCat said:
Yeah, I usually see it as that. But the last girl made quite specific plans on what we can do on the next date. Thats why I believed it was genuine this time.

Coffee date for the first one, drinks at a lakeside bar with the other one.
Both about two hours long.

It's just getting annoying, because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have a good time, and it feels (to me) like they had too. And I look like my pictures .. so there should not be a big surprise appearance wise.
And I am too clueless at dating either .. last year I had lots of second dates. But now I striked out 3 times in a row.
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You're doing thing wrong, it's on them and you can't really change anything about it. People change their minds all the time, it just happens. Maybe they met someone else or just don't have time. No use thinking too much about it.

Maybe the fourth time will go better, don't give up!
 
Something I'm interested in finding out:

False Witness said:
So... I'm kind of curious...

Is saying something like "you make me feel more calm and relaxed than I've ever felt before. Comfortable, essentially" kind of a common, universal thing when someone is interested in you? I've heard it from every girl that I've been out with so far and couldn't quite be sure if it had something to do with my personality or if it's just one of those basic things that denotes interest.
Click to expand...
 
I don't really like reading too much into comments like that. I think most of what we say has very little deep meaning or purpose. It all depends on how it was said. Because it could be that she doesn't feel threatened - there isn't that excitement, that spark of anticipation. On the other hand it could mean that she feels comfortable and able to express herself better with you. Either could be good.

Easier just to ask if she's interested. Or tease someone when they say something like that.
 
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