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[pixelation]

Beneath this ugly exterior, there's an uglier interior.

 

[Astral Dog]

Beneath this ugly exterior, there's an uglier interior.

Thats beautiful.

 

[MisterLuffy]

You're too hard on yourself.


Look at this:

So you're not a verbal learner. I am neither. That doesn't make us stupid, it's just that our RPG-Stats are not tuned into your Algebra professors method of explaining things. Don't let his inadequacy and lack of composure get the better of you.
It will never be the students fault that they cannot be explained something in a way that makes sense to them.
It's your teachers job to assist you and teach you. Him condemning you says nothing about you, and everything about him.

Be the bigger man, and if he riles on you again, calmly explain to him that you don't get it, and you would appreciate it if he would cut back on his hostile tone. It's unprofessional as hell to out people in the middle of class. That's basically just bullying. Don't take that shit.

My bane in life is math and I struggle with these things as well. I also have a language barrier which makes the awesome khanacademy.com difficult for me to use. I know exactly what you're going through. Just don't let this teachter dictate how you feel.

To me a bad listener is somebody who is not trying to listen or doesn't care. You can be a great listen, if you listen with empathy. There is a really great TED video were Julian Treasure gives 5 ways for people to listen better: http://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better

But this is listening in the context of conversation. Understanding a logical problem like linear algebra is something different I think!

I'm always hard on myself. It's because I'm not satisfied with results so far in my life. It's sad that when I'm hard on myself, I do nothing but let it happen. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of being being that guy.

Depression can really inhibit your ability to focus and concentrate, so definitely don't think of this as a personal failing. It's simply one of the many negative effects of depression. I know this doesn't really help the problem itself of not being able to listen well, but I do hope you're able to look at it differently so that it doesn't bring you down further.
I really struggle to concentrate and focus myself. Reading is one of my favorite things to do, but for the past few years I've just found reading to be frustrating because it's nearly impossible for me to stay focused. Mostly I think because when you have no enthusiasm for anything, what reason is there to focus on it? That's my theory at least.
It's also a minor problem for me at work. My manager will be talking to me and I'll just completely forget to pay attention to the words. It's a bit embarrassing, but usually when I ask them to clarify what they just said, it's not that big of a problem. Luckily with my full-time job, most of the communication is via Skype, so I can just go back and re-read what was said if I missed something the first time around.

I think I'm going to be depressed for a very long time, any type of negativity towards me will cause me to be easily depressed. I'm struggling so much because of me. I'm not making my life any easier because of me. I'm at fault for making my life worse and making myself worse.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Beneath this ugly exterior, there's an uglier interior.

Are you calling yourself a Toyota Corolla? Because I won't stand for that.

 

[blast processed]

Is insomnia just a startup side effect with Lexapro? I've been on it only a week at 10mg and always take it in the morning. I don't want to start calling my Dr. and have him make changes if all I need to do is wait it out.

 

[Kipp]

Is insomnia just a startup side effect with Lexapro? I've been on it only a week at 10mg and always take it in the morning. I don't want to start calling my Dr. and have him make changes if all I need to do is wait it out.

Yeah, unfortunately that's one of the common side effects. The side effects should start easing up after about two weeks, so if you can wait it out that long, you'll be okay. If not, your doctor might be able to prescribe you something to help you sleep in the meantime, or you could try an OTC sleep aid like melatonin or chamomile tea and see if that helps. But yeah, that side effect is only temporary.

I just started taking Lexapro (well, the generic version) at the beginning of April, so the experience of the startup side effects are still fresh in my mind. It was definitely a tough few weeks, but the side effects have subsided almost completely for me now. The toughest one for me was the increased depression and fatigue that it caused. If you experience that, just know that it's a side effect.

Are you experiencing any other side effects besides insomnia?
I hope the new medication works out for you and the startup side effects don't cause you too much pain in the meantime.

 

[blast processed]

Yeah, unfortunately that's one of the common side effects. The side effects should start easing up after about two weeks, so if you can wait it out that long, you'll be okay. If not, your doctor might be able to prescribe you something to help you sleep in the meantime, or you could try an OTC sleep aid like melatonin or chamomile tea and see if that helps. But yeah, that side effect is only temporary.

I just started taking Lexapro (well, the generic version) at the beginning of April, so the experience of the startup side effects are still fresh in my mind. It was definitely a tough few weeks, but the side effects have subsided almost completely for me now. The toughest one for me was the increased depression and fatigue that it caused. If you experience that, just know that it's a side effect.

Are you experiencing any other side effects besides insomnia?
I hope the new medication works out for you and the startup side effects don't cause you too much pain in the meantime.

Nervousness, occasional stomach aches, insomnia & feeling woozy.

 

[Kipp]

Oof. This week I've been particularly tired and also more mental fogginess than usual. And in addition, my back has been hurting even more than usual. At least it's already Thursday.

Nervousness, occasional stomach aches, insomnia & feeling woozy.

Ah, gotcha. Incidentally, those are a completely different set of side effects from the variety I experienced. Those are all common side effects from what I've read though, so nothing to be worried about. That's not to say that they're not very unpleasant and difficult to get through though. Since you've been taking it a week now, you're through the worst of it and should hopefully only have another week or so of significant side effects, though obviously that varies from person to person.
Hang in there and keep us updated.

 

[Sifl]

I was in my bathroom and I had an episode of conversion disorder. My head went numb and eventually went blind. I tried to get to a chair but I fell down on my way out of the bathroom. I just laid there for 2 minutes until my vision came back. I've been really stressed over something lately, so I'm not surprised it happened, but at the same time I can't help but think there's something more serious wrong with me. I don't like to go out much anymore aside from getting groceries and lifting at the gym, and when shit like this happens it makes me never want to do anything. All I can think about is how embarrassing it would be if I had an episode in public. Or what if this happened when I was lifting and I seriously injured myself. Sorry for the rambling.

 

[Kipp]

I was in my bathroom and I had an episode of conversion disorder. My head went numb and eventually went blind. I tried to get to a chair but I fell down on my way out of the bathroom. I just laid there for 2 minutes until my vision came back. I've been really stressed over something lately, so I'm not surprised it happened, but at the same time I can't help but think there's something more serious wrong with me. I don't like to go out much anymore aside from getting groceries and lifting at the gym, and when shit like this happens it makes me never want to do anything. All I can think about is how embarrassing it would be if I had an episode in public. Or what if this happened when I was lifting and I seriously injured myself. Sorry for the rambling.

Oh wow. That sounds terrifying. I'm sorry that you have to go through that.
Is there a reason you haven't decided to seek treatment yet?

 

[Servbot24]

Oof. This week I've been particularly tired and also more mental fogginess than usual. And in addition, my back has been hurting even more than usual. At least it's already Thursday.

Man, I've been really tired too. This happens whenever I lose my sense of self. I just get extremely drowsy and don't want to do anything but sleep. I've been pushing through so I can get stuff done, but it's extra difficult.

It's helped me a little bit to allow myself to go to bed when I want, but make sure to set my alarm early. Been getting up at 4:30AM and practicing drawing for a few hours before work.

 

[Sifl]

Oh wow. That sounds terrifying. I'm sorry that you have to go through that.
Is there a reason you haven't decided to seek treatment yet?

I've gone to 6 different therapists since I was 14 for various reasons, and my experiences with them haven't really been good. I'm very opposed to seeing a new psychologist, even though I'm admittedly not doing so well trying to deal with my problems by myself. I'm 21 btw so 6 therapists in 7 years.

 

[Firelord Chargrilled]

Today has been a really shit day and I'm struggling to get through the day. And really don't want to


I found out recently someone is in love with me but they have a boyfriend and the relationship is really bad so she's frustrated and confused.

I don't know what to think, feel or say

I can't post a thread so I thought I would ask here but if the wrong place and If anyone is willing to post a thread for me to get advice shoot me a PM for any info.

Edit: add info

 

[grap3fruitman]

Nm

 

[Servbot24]

Today has been a really shit day and I'm struggling to get through the day. And really don't want to


I found out recently someone is in love with me but they have a boyfriend and the relationship is really bad so she's frustrated and confused.

I don't know what to think, feel or say

I can't post a thread so I thought I would ask here but if the wrong place and If anyone is willing to post a thread for me to get advice shoot me a PM for any info.

Edit: add info

Just stay out of their business imo. Until she breaks up with her boyfriend and is single, you don't want to get tangled up in that.

 

[Piano]

Welp. Pretty much just sat in a room for an hour and answered questions and filled out paper work. Had a few moments of genuine talking other then that was all paper work. Then again this was just my case worker. Made an appointment for a health assessment in the coming month as part of my next few intake appointments.

Often that's how a first appointment will pan out, given that they need so much information just to get things going correctly. Hopefully you'll feel more of a sense of direction in your next few intake / assessment appointments.

Man I hate anxiety. Worrying about imaginary problems. I also have a weird neurosis where I will convince myself that friends who are nice to my face secretly hate me and are just being polite. It's insane. The reality is that they are also imperfect people with their own stuff going on, but when you're lying in bed at night feeling sorry for yourself you start to deconstruct conversations and pick the worst intent. I had a friend snap at me for pretty much no reason yesterday fact is they were probably stressed and it had nothing to do with me.

I worry about losing friends/drifting apart but I have to realise it's out of my control. If they are going to move away/work unsociable hours/just plain not respond to messages then as long as I tried what else can I do really? I've had loads of friends go from daily contact to ignoring messages completely over the years and it kind of hurts. I'm trying to learn not to live life looking for the approval of others because when they fuck off and do their own thing it leaves a gap but it's hard. Someone linked me to some video about the word "sonder" before that basically says it's natural for people to drift in and out of your life but my brain is not wired that way.

Bit of a ramble but hey, words help.

I want to take a moment to recognize how tremendously valuable it is that you're able to recognize your own anxiety and recognize the irrationality of the thoughts and worries it echoes through your head. It's all too easy to let those overwhelm you and become reality - the mere fact that you're able to keep a periscope above it all and see that it's noise means you've already made some progress out of the goop.

Anxiety is a tough one, and other than the standard assortment of recommendations (exercise, meditate, etc) I haven't found any straight forward solutions to it. It's very individual - a matter of learning the behavioral patterns anxiety has ingrained into you and slowly learning to work around them. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? Both could help tremendously.

Also, I don't think everyone is as at peace with people coming and going as you imply. At least, I'm not. I hate separation. I think a lot of people here would probably feel the same way.

When I first looked into meditation I read a few books on Buddhism and far eastern religion when I was younger(around 15 or 13?), so mostly I just try to focus on my center and trying to find balance. As the Hindi's practice it, a sort of mindfulness asking yourself questions to gain insight.

It's hard to explain, but mostly I sit in a quiet place and assume an open palmed pose and proceed to focus on nothing and yet everything.

It sounds like you're mindful of general awareness / senses, which is a great exercise. Just let things "be", allow them to pass through, just observe them. That's great!

I asked because I recently began doing Metta (Lovingkindness) meditation and have found it really interesting - essentially you do / think things to bring out a feeling of compassion or love and then you meditate on that feeling. It's really draining but sort of amazing. Possibly of interest, or not if you'd rather just focus on sensations. I was very skeptical of it at first until umop_3pisdn in the Meditation OT sold me on it.

On yeah! There's a Meditation OT you may find of use ... it's not super active but I've found people respond pretty quickly when I pop in with questions.

Figured I'd update since not many people do if it works for them:

Escitalopram (Lexapro, 10 mg) helped a ton for anxiety for me. Got off the Xanax and haven't taken any or had any anxiety attacks since November.

Nice to be back to normal after a year of that shit.

Wonderful! I'm so glad to hear it worked out well for you

I went to the ER since I couldn't stand it anymore. A psych professional diagnosed me with depression, then told me that I couldn't go to their outpatient psych facility in order to be prescribed medication since I didn't have the right insurance,

So now I'm just calling psychiatrists in order to get an appointment. I seem to just be getting answering machines which is infuriating.....

First of all, it's great that you went into the ER when you needed help. I'm glad they were able to add just a touch of clarity to the whole thing.

Psychiatrists almost never answer the phone, even if they're in the office. If you leave a message they will almost always call you back within 24-48 hours. Just leave messages asking if they're taking new patients and you should get responses quickly.

Are you calling yourself a Toyota Corolla? Because I won't stand for that.

Why did I laugh so hard at this

I've gone to 6 different therapists since I was 14 for various reasons, and my experiences with them haven't really been good. I'm very opposed to seeing a new psychologist, even though I'm admittedly not doing so well trying to deal with my problems by myself. I'm 21 btw so 6 therapists in 7 years.

What didn't work out with the therapists you saw, if you don't mind me asking?
Were they not insightful, or was it too difficult / uncomfortable for you to talk about the things they were asking? Or perhaps something else entirely?

My last post wasn't entirely truthful: I've made two discoveries recently. First, apparently there's a history of schizophrenia in my family and my father was apparently diagnosed at some point. Second, CBD is amazing. I've been self-medicating with weed for a little while now and it has been super helpful but I was able to try some with significantly higher levels of CBD than I'm used to and... wow. After the initial buzz, it was like someone literally flipped a switch and I was overcome with happiness. I actually knew what it felt like to be happy to be alive! I thought that it was me constantly wishing I was dead but I was able to turn it off and feel normal. That was easily the happiest week of my life but now I'm out and I can't find more around here. I need to move to a medical state and get good, consistent access to the kind I need but that's proving difficult now that my mood is back to my normal depressed self. Anyway, this turned off a lot of other "quirks" I noticed and made me realize that depression and anxiety are only the tip of the iceberg... Now what? How do I differentiate from a voice in my head and my own thoughts?

I'm glad something was able to bring you happiness, even if temporarily.

That being said, for what it's worth, weed never fixed my problems. It lifted my mood and centered my vision just enough to make me able to ignore them for a couple of hours before I came crashing back to reality. I went down that rabbit hole for a while but eventually had to find something to make my general moment-to-moment sober existence more palatable so I wasn't needing to escape from it all the time.

So, YMMV.

<3

 

[grap3fruitman]

Ugh, see, this is why I didn't share before. I knew you guys wouldn't understand. No one does.

 

[Piano]

No worries. And it's good to do what you love and be happy, but those general STEM recommendations are just because it tends to maximize the chance that you make good money. Combine that with people being insensitive on when talking semi-anonymously online and you'll get some meanish posts. Definitely doesn't mean your degree or skills are useless, arts and culture are an important part of life and society.

I know, you're totally right. I tend to feel things personally when I don't need to.

I don't expect you're one to fold under the "Sack up Bro" types. Wonder if you've ever considered something along the lines of advocacy/support work? Maybe even parallel to your music/teaching/film set? It's a broad area/field of practice but you get what i mean i hope - something in that vein. The patience and positive-minded tenacity you approach people with here are remarkable and your own experience would be (are) a real boon.

I've thought about it, yes, and there is a big appeal, but I really don't think I'm a strong enough person to take on other people's problems all day, or at least I couldn't do it and still have any mental wherewithall to live my own life afterwards. Hell, a lot of days I'm worried I don't even have the emotional strength to deal with the stressors of teaching!

Hopefully I can bring thoughtfulness, advocacy and support to whomever I end up teaching. I've had teachers who had a big impact on me and I hope to be one of those teachers.

Maybe. If I don't break down and cry every night from the stress.

Mwahahaha! Man, I should get back into jazz. I went to a private music school and the jazz and classical students freely mingled. It was good times.

JAZZ and CLASSICAL TOGETHER?! Outrage! Scandal!
It really bugs me that common practice music ignores jazz so conspicuously.
Plus jazz theory is more intuitive and straightforward than classical theory / analysis in so many ways...

I have a friend who is currently very happy as a music educator. She majored in choral conducting as well and is very busy in her field (just out of college. I think she's 23 or 24 now?). Music is never an easy career path (as you know) but if you love it, I can't imagine anything more satisfying. You just have to get good at networking and that comes with practice.

I'm just worried about how stressful it can be. Due to my anxiety and how much I invest myself in the things I do I have a much lower stress threshold than a lot of people and I'm not sure if that's something that's going to fly or be able to be accommodated out in the field. I'm so afraid of having trouble with my first job and having an administrator to just deal with it because that's what everyone else does.

Additionally, I really don't enjoy networking. Or rather, I don't like kissing ass. I try to work hard and have the hard work be my reputation. Meanwhile I see others around the college get preferential treatment because they get chummy with the teachers.

Both of those are realities in any field, sure, but there are few like teaching where everyone is so upfront about "this will be stressful, underpaid, and might take over your life." And that scares me. A lot.

Really, if you know the difference between an augmented and a major 7th, you're halfway there.

I'm halfway there!

First wanted to say that I have the exact same values that I'm looking for in a career: making an average salary and be happy doing it and not letting my job take over my life.

I also definitely feel guilt/shame/regret when I see people preaching about how STEM degrees are the only things worth pursuing since I have a Sociology degree, but what helps a bit is reminding myself that I'd be completely unhappy in any STEM career. It does still hurt though.

I hope that taking your Choral Conducting class in the Fall does help with your doubts. It's very easy to overwhelm yourself about something when you have no firsthand knowledge of it and can let your mind run free about what it's like and how hard it will be, but I feel like once you jump into it you'll gain confidence quickly. Best of luck.

Yes, I'm hoping the conducting class illuminates a foothold on what thus far has looked a lot like trying to scale a sheer cliff face. It meets five days a week so I can tell they're not messing around.

What I've gathered about the non-STEM thing, though, is that it's just much easier to coast through a non-STEM degree without picking up any actual skills than, say, an engineering degree. I went to an arts school and while there were many people there absolutely working their asses off and developing skill sets, no matter how specialized (set design, editing, sound design, etc), there were also people who just took all of the general courses, did okay, siphoned off of other people's work and fell through the cracks. I could very realistically see one or many of them getting to the end of their four years, receiving a degree and then being upset that it, on its own, means next to nothing. Rather, it's a confirmation of the development of skills that needs to be shopped around in conjunction with an actual skillset.

There are many skills within the field of Sociology that apply to many careers. It seems that the key is just making sure you identify those skillsets and work at them rather than blindly assume your degree = job.

Life is Strange spoilers
Mental Health And Do-Nothing Adults In Life is Strange

I have known from Day 1 that I want to play this game but have been keeping myself TOTALLY in the dark until all five episodes are out. I know almost nothing about the plot of the game and therefore don't want to click the link but I do want to ask, without spoiling anything ... does this mean the game deals with mental health in some way?

That would make me so much more excited!!

Ugh, see, this is why I didn't share before. I knew you guys wouldn't understand. No one does.

I'm curious - in what respect do you think I don't understand? I'd like to amend my perspective so that I do and would appreciate your help in doing so.
So please help me understand!

<3

 

[ISWThunder]

Nm

Happy to hear that something showed you some glimpse of a possible future.

I haven't been in this thread much. Are you in traditional therapy at the moment? If the weed is giving you some insight into your issues, it may be very helpful to delve into those issues with a professional rather than trying to straighten them out on your own.

They may not be overly happy with self-medicating but I'm sure you can find someone that would understand and try and work to get you in a place where you are in that mental happy place more often, either on or off drugs/medication.

 

[Kipp]

Ugh, see, this is why I didn't share before. I knew you guys wouldn't understand. No one does.

I'm sorry that you don't think we understand. I also have self-medicated in the past (pretty successfully too, for a while) and I completely agree with what Piano said.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the important difference between self-medicating and using proper medications is that self-medicating is a reward system on its own, but proper medication allows someone to use their body's reward system. Hopefully I didn't say that in a confusing way. But anyways, this can also mess with your motivations a bit. When the reward in itself is the substance, your main goals are probably going to be to consume more of said substance. However, when you take medication that allows you to use your body's reward system properly, you'll want to pursue healthier endeavors like friendships, good jobs, etc.
That's kind of a rough draft of the thoughts I have on that, so I apologize if that's kind of unclear.

With that said though, I 100% understand why you're pleased that you have finally found something that allows you to be happy. However, I think you've also already encountered the other problem with this type of self-medicating: you've run out and don't know where/how to get more and until then you're probably going to be unhappy. Do you want your happiness to depend on whether or not you can get your hands on a substance?

I'm sorry if I also come across as not understanding. I wish you the best.

What I've gathered about the non-STEM thing, though, is that it's just much easier to coast through a non-STEM degree without picking up any actual skills than, say, an engineering degree. I went to an arts school and while there were many people there absolutely working their asses off and developing skill sets, no matter how specialized (set design, editing, sound design, etc), there were also people who just took all of the general courses, did okay, siphoned off of other people's work and fell through the cracks. I could very realistically see one or many of them getting to the end of their four years, receiving a degree and then being upset that it, on its own, means next to nothing. Rather, it's a confirmation of the development of skills that needs to be shopped around in conjunction with an actual skillset.

There are many skills within the field of Sociology that apply to many careers. It seems that the key is just making sure you identify those skillsets and work at them rather than blindly assume your degree = job.

Yeah, definitely.
Luckily I don't feel as much shame/regret about my major now that I've found a pretty good full-time job. It was really difficult when I spent the first 2 years out of college not being able to get a full-time job though.

 

[Sifl]

What didn't work out with the therapists you saw, if you don't mind me asking?
Were they not insightful, or was it too difficult / uncomfortable for you to talk about the things they were asking? Or perhaps something else entirely?

Some of them just not comfortable, but others something else entirely. Worst situation I had with a therapist is him contacting my parents, and flat out lying to them about what I was doing/talking about during our sessions in an effort to get me committed.

 

[MikeDip]

Tomorrow is Friday and I go to my doctor. Thank god.

 

[Kipp]

Some of them just not comfortable, but others something else entirely. Worst situation I had with a therapist is him contacting my parents, and flat out lying to them about what I was doing/talking about during our sessions in an effort to get me committed.

Wow. That's awful. It's no wonder you're hesitant to see another therapist. I hope you're able to find one that clicks with you sometime soon though.

Tomorrow is Friday and I go to my doctor. Thank god.

Glad to hear it! Let us know how it goes!

 

[pixelation]

If i was the strongest spermatozoid out of the whole bunch, i don't wanna know how the other ones would've turned out...

In other news, tomorrow's my b-day... YAY!!!

Spoiler

kill me

 

[jb1234]

JAZZ and CLASSICAL TOGETHER?! Outrage! Scandal!
It really bugs me that common practice music ignores jazz so conspicuously.
Plus jazz theory is more intuitive and straightforward than classical theory / analysis in so many ways...

I was always disappointed that I didn't take any jazz classes while I had the chance. Not that I would have been a jazz piano master or anything but just the theory would have been helpful in terms of composition. I spent my first two years of college as a composer and the last two as a classical pianist (specializing in accompaniment).

I'm just worried about how stressful it can be. Due to my anxiety and how much I invest myself in the things I do I have a much lower stress threshold than a lot of people and I'm not sure if that's something that's going to fly or be able to be accommodated out in the field. I'm so afraid of having trouble with my first job and having an administrator to just deal with it because that's what everyone else does.

Additionally, I really don't enjoy networking. Or rather, I don't like kissing ass. I try to work hard and have the hard work be my reputation. Meanwhile I see others around the college get preferential treatment because they get chummy with the teachers.

Both of those are realities in any field, sure, but there are few like teaching where everyone is so upfront about "this will be stressful, underpaid, and might take over your life." And that scares me. A lot.

Yeah, I understand that. I never got to the point where my career had fully taken off because I got sick before that happened but I was never terribly good at the communication and business aspect of being a freelance musician. I sucked at communication because I have Aspergers and any unexpected situation would completely send me into panic mode. As for the business and what to charge people, I tried to handle it logically but that didn't always work. Sometimes, I'd get into the mindset of, "Well, okay. I have to drive thirty miles to get to this gig today. So... it makes sense that I should charge them for my time getting there, right?"

Yeah, that never ended well. It becomes a massive balancing act, what you feel you can get away with charging people that's fair and also covers all your other expenses. I hated it. Music, that's the part I understand and am good at. Get me in front of a singer and I can coach them. Get me on a piano and I know what to do. But in this modern world, you're expected to be able to network, suck up to people, handle the business side of things (including the nightmare that is tax season when you're self-employed) and much more. Of course, if you get yourself hired by a school, some of this becomes easier but not all of it.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

 

[Gray Matter]

Hello GAF, long time lurker (on this thread) first time poster. Never had the courage to post here due to shame and possible embarrassment, but here it goes.

I think my depression (if you wanna call it that) is slowly coming back. At the beginning of this year I was at my lowest point. Crappy under the table job that paid like shit, no motive to do anything at all, no girlfriend, thinking of suicide on a weekly basis, and just an overall bad mood/attitude.

I was going to a trade school, but the progress was so slow that I didn't think I was going to make it out. I toughed it out because I really liked my instructor and the trade was fun.

Fast forward to April, I finish trade school and land a job, granted not doing what I had been learning to do the previous year, but a job nonetheless. Things started going well for a change. The month of April was good, I enjoy the job, keeps me busy and puts a lot more money in my pocket.

Since I started working and having a little more spending money, I decided to maybe start dating. Not having a romantic relationship with anyone is secretly one of the things that make me feel worse. I went on a few online dating services and the outcome has been brutal. No replies to messages, no one matching with me etc. It just made it worse. Because who in their sane mind would want to date me. I am also part of the problem, I have social anxiety which doesn't make it easier trying to meet people.

Coming to work in the morning feels good, because it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive, but once it's time to leave it's back into reality, i have nothing (personal wise) going for me. I get home and nothing to do.

 

[MikeDip]

Hello GAF, long time lurker (on this thread) first time poster. Never had the courage to post here due to shame and possible embarrassment, but here it goes.

I think my depression (if you wanna call it that) is slowly coming back. At the beginning of this year I was at my lowest point. Crappy under the table job that paid like shit, no motive to do anything at all, no girlfriend, thinking of suicide on a weekly basis, and just an overall bad mood/attitude.

I was going to a trade school, but the progress was so slow that I didn't think I was going to make it out. I toughed it out because I really liked my instructor and the trade was fun.

Fast forward to April, I finish trade school and land a job, granted not doing what I had been learning to do the previous year, but a job nonetheless. Things started going well for a change. The month of April was good, I enjoy the job, keeps me busy and puts a lot more money in my pocket.

Since I started working and having a little more spending money, I decided to maybe start dating. Not having a romantic relationship with anyone is secretly one of the things that make me feel worse. I went on a few online dating services and the outcome has been brutal. No replies to messages, no one matching with me etc. It just made it worse. Because who in their sane mind would want to date me. I am also part of the problem, I have social anxiety which doesn't make it easier trying to meet people.

Coming to work in the morning feels good, because it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive, but once it's time to leave it's back into reality, i have nothing (personal wise) going for me. I get home and nothing to do.

Don't be embarrassed

I feel ya though, I often feel useless and have nothing to do. I rarely leave my bed.

Which dating sites have you tried? A LOT of my friends have had luck with plenty of fish, if that's a thing in your area.

 

[Kule]

I'm sat at work on my lunch break, I just got off the phone to news a close friend and father of my niece and nephew was just found hanging at an overnight job in London. I only just found out he's been silently shouting out for help the past few months and I had no idea. I feel so full of regret that I couldn't speak to him and I owe him so much as he helped me get out of depression and anxiety I had when I was in my late teens and early twenties.

Just a shitty situation, I just needed to write something

 

[Kipp]

This week has been tough. My anhedonia has been significantly worse. The whole week I've barely been able to feel anything about anything.
For example, usually I get a noticeable mood lift on Fridays since the weekend is almost upon us, but today I just don't care that it's the last day of work before the weekend. It might as well be Monday.
And going to the bouldering gym is pretty much the one thing that can put me in a good mood no matter what, but on Wednesday when I went I just felt awful and couldn't pull it together.
On top of that, I've just had this tiredness all week and worse back pain than usual too.
Hopefully the weekend will give me a bit of peace to be able to sort myself out a bit.

I'm sat at work on my lunch break, I just got off the phone to news a close friend and father of my niece and nephew was just found hanging at an overnight job in London. I only just found out he's been silently shouting out for help the past few months and I had no idea. I feel so full of regret that I couldn't speak to him and I owe him so much as he helped me get out of depression and anxiety I had when I was in my late teens and early twenties.

Just a shitty situation, I just needed to write something

I'm really sorry to hear that.
Not sure what else to say, other than to remind you that it isn't your fault, so please don't blame yourself.

 

[MisterLuffy]

My programming homework is due today close to midnight, and I can't even get any good results. Why even try? I'm not going to figure anything out by that time. I don't know what I'm doing despite reading the description of the homework. There's no way I'm going to pass my final for my c++ class. I don't have the passion nor love to keep going when I'm stuck in programming. Also, she wants coding to be syntactically correct even though I won't reach to the results she's looking for. I dislike myself for not trying. I hate myself because I'm the type of person who easily gives up without trying. I wonder if idiot city exist, maybe I should reside there.

 

[Gray Matter]

Don't be embarrassed

I feel ya though, I often feel useless and have nothing to do. I rarely leave my bed.

Which dating sites have you tried? A LOT of my friends have had luck with plenty of fish, if that's a thing in your area.

Basically all the free ones available. I don't want to pay for something that's going to lead nowhere.

 

[ampere]

Since I started working and having a little more spending money, I decided to maybe start dating. Not having a romantic relationship with anyone is secretly one of the things that make me feel worse. I went on a few online dating services and the outcome has been brutal. No replies to messages, no one matching with me etc. It just made it worse. Because who in their sane mind would want to date me. I am also part of the problem, I have social anxiety which doesn't make it easier trying to meet people.

Coming to work in the morning feels good, because it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive, but once it's time to leave it's back into reality, i have nothing (personal wise) going for me. I get home and nothing to do.

Is medical care an option? I think you could benefit from talking to a psychiatrist and/or therapist about your social anxiety/depression and see if you need to take some steps to hash that out. Low self confidence and having anxiety will definitely make dating hard and might lead you to latch on to someone who isn't really a good match just to have someone.

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

Yesterday I just broke down completely. My life is already much better than I will ever deserve, yet I don't find any joy in it.
My father provided some pill under the table, which kind of made me stop caring for a while but I still know everything's messed up and only going to get worse.
I keep going back and forth whether I should just give up or not, meanwhile the world keeps going further out of my reach.

 

[pixelation]

Of course it had to rain on my freaking b-day.

 

[crazepharmacist]

Anyone use Deplin for depression? I just buy methlyfolate over the counter from Amazon but if I can get it prescribed and potentially insurance coverage, I'd like to do that.

 

[Summer Haze]

Have any of you guys ever experienced extremely short bouts of heavy depression and/or anxiety? The past few days I've been experiencing both pretty heavily, I went to bed last night hoping I would just die in my sleep, and my anxiety was so bad that I literally felt like I had butterflies in my chest and the skin around my fingernails bleeding from me biting the skin off of them.

Then I wake up this morning and I'm completely fine. What the hell? No depression, no anxiety. In fact, I've been in a great mood all day. All of those worries I had for two days just mean nothing now. I never had this happen to me before, usually I experience long bouts of depression and/or anxiety throughout the winter months and then it dissipates as spring/summer grows near.

Strange.

 

[thepotatoman]

So my therapist recently helped me put a name to the biggest factor in my social anxiety with a word I never heard before: Rumination. "repetitive thoughts generated by attempts to cope with self-discrepancy that are directed primarily toward processing the content of self-referent information and not toward immediate goal-directed action."

For my social anxiety, the question getting compulsively focused attention is "what is that other person thinking of me?"

I've worked pretty hard at getting myself to the point where most of the time I can answer that question positively, but this is the first time I even considered that the question itself is the problem. You can't read minds, and even if you could, it's not helpful to read minds in every single situation. Unless they are sending extremely clear signals that they are upset, it's just not worth even a little analyzation.

I actually used to think this was just intellectual self reflection and focusing on it was anti avoidance, but turns out it's far from intellectual, and avoidance is actually thought to be the best solution.

It's always encouraging to have a thought process to fight against instead of a feeling. You can't tell just tell yourself to stop being anxious, but you can tell yourself to stop asking that question and think about something else instead, even if those bad feelings of anxiety and depression follow you on that more positive train of thought.

Psychology Today has an article about it, and calls rumination an addictive bad habit that is best dropped cold turkey, and so that's my current goal right now, telling myself I'm not allowed to think about certain questions even for a second. It's certainly a hard habit to break, but it seems very productive to work on it.

I don't know if that lines up with anyone else's experience, but I thought it worth sharing.

 

[Jimothy]

I can always tell I'm in a particularly bad state when I go on /r/depression and relate to every single post title.

 

[Gray Matter]

Is medical care an option? I think you could benefit from talking to a psychiatrist and/or therapist about your social anxiety/depression and see if you need to take some steps to hash that out. Low self confidence and having anxiety will definitely make dating hard and might lead you to latch on to someone who isn't really a good match just to have someone.

I don't think I can afford that. I would need/want weekly sessions.

 

[pixelation]

I made it through another year... why?, very few persons actually care about me. I am a huge ass failure. I am error... DELETE... DELETE... DELETE...

 

[pixelation]

Well at least my B-day cake is awesome... and tasty!!!

 

[Condom]

So my therapist recently helped me put a name to the biggest factor in my social anxiety with a word I never heard before: Rumination. "repetitive thoughts generated by attempts to cope with self-discrepancy that are directed primarily toward processing the content of self-referent information and not toward immediate goal-directed action."

For my social anxiety, the question getting compulsively focused attention is "what is that other person thinking of me?"

I've worked pretty hard at getting myself to the point where most of the time I can answer that question positively, but this is the first time I even considered that the question itself is the problem. You can't read minds, and even if you could, it's not helpful to read minds in every single situation. Unless they are sending extremely clear signals that they are upset, it's just not worth even a little analyzation.

I actually used to think this was just intellectual self reflection and focusing on it was anti avoidance, but turns out it's far from intellectual, and avoidance is actually thought to be the best solution.

It's always encouraging to have a thought process to fight against instead of a feeling. You can't tell just tell yourself to stop being anxious, but you can tell yourself to stop asking that question and think about something else instead, even if those bad feelings of anxiety and depression follow you on that more positive train of thought.

Psychology Today has an article about it, and calls rumination an addictive bad habit that is best dropped cold turkey, and so that's my current goal right now, telling myself I'm not allowed to think about certain questions even for a second. It's certainly a hard habit to break, but it seems very productive to work on it.

I don't know if that lines up with anyone else's experience, but I thought it worth sharing.

Interesting, I do that all the time. In my case I have constant discussions and debates with people (imaginated discourse), stuff like confrontations play an important role 'in my head'.
It connects with social anxiety when I imagine people backstabbing or betraying me, adding up to my already low trust in other people.

Thanks for posting this

 

[Tomita]

I don't have anyone to talk to. I only have one friend at this point (all my friends I met online and they all got too busy to talk but one) but my one friend doesn't feel very fulfilling. I guess that's stupid and terrible to say but all the things I want to talk about, if I'm in a good mood, seem too stupid for them or something that would be boring or annoy them. We tried to watch Agent Carter together and she thought it was sexist and terrible. I tried to have a discussion about the show and it turned into this fucking argument so we stopped watching the show, I couldn't even stand to finish it, and now I feel too stupid to talk about anything else I like in case they don't like it either. And I feel too stupid to talk about my problems cause they never really ask/say if I wanna talk, and in the past when I try to talk about my issues they're just like "I'm sorry." No advice, nothing really comforting. Just "I'm sorry." I'm so fucking sick of "I'm sorry."

I transferred to a new university and I don't have time for clubs. I try being sociable in my classes but I dunno...I tried being sociable at my old college too and barely made any friends. I'd try and hang out with them but after our class would end, no contact. I even tried emailing someone I got rather close with and no response. So I dunno if I'm just super boring or what? Most of my classes at my new uni have mostly guys in them and I feel like there's a gender barrier, since I'm a woman. I try to join conversation, but it's mostly just school stuff... There's one guy I talk with in my math class and we actually talk about non-school things once in a while, but I've been so fucking stressed for three weeks, I actually just burst into tears in the start of class so he probably thinks I'm a freaky basket case now?

Am I just fucked in the friend department? I'll try the club shit next school year I guess cause that's the advice everyone always gives but I doubt I'll have the time then too. Plus all my interests align with stuff that skews to the male gender and... I dunno, I'd love to have guy friends, for years and years I try to talk to guys and shit and I barely make any guy friends and if I do they stick about as long as the girl relationships. And I'm not opposed to female relationships--definitely not! But there's barely any women in my classes now. I made a kind of friendship, maybe? with one girl, but I dunno. I'm twenty-five and her interests seem kind of immature for my taste. I'm not trying to be elitist or anything--I like fucking comic books, okay--but she likes silly anime and My Little Pony and stuff... Nothing wrong with that stuff, it's just not for me. I get bored in a lot of our conversations. We don't see each other much this quarter anyway. I barely post here cause it seems so pointless but I'm so lonely and I'm sick of being upset, it's affecting my school work. I dunno who to talk to. It's too late in the school year for a therapist. When I go home for the summer, my mom doesn't like therapist/doctors/medication and doesn't even think depression is "legit", and even if my dad was supportive about it I couldn't stand her bullshit. And honestly she's basically the head of household so I'd have to get her "approval" anyway. I know I'm fucking twenty-five but I don't have the money to move out, I have to do college shit first.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Had a horrible day today, my ocd was driving me nuts in the middle of a tornado warning what's worse is that if one does drop we have nowhere to go since we live in a trailer. The last time the threat of one actually dropping and the sirens went off for the first time ever, the front office tried to lock me and my dog out in the middle of the storm and told me to go to a shelter 20 miles away.

I hate thunderstorms and tornadoes, as they scare the shit out of me because as a child when I was on the road with my father in the summer we had been on the outskirts of some of the worst tornadoes in the history of many states. We've also literally been chased by them in Kansas and barely managed to survive, because by God's will it veered off into a corn field and my dad was driving at like 90 MPH in an slow as fuck semitruck with a trailer filled with dangerous chemicals.

When I was 10, a lightening bolt struck outside the window of our apartment and I was looking in the exact direction when it hit. I was blind for around five minutes or so and couldn't see anything, and when I was a baby in California my parents were staying at a friends house and they had to climb out onto the roof of the farmhouse to avoid getting washed away and killed by the flood.

So yeah, fuck thunderstorms and shit.

I've been in so much pain from my arthritis and fibro, and I just started some new medications for it(Gabapentin, Methocarbomal, and after my blood results get back, Lyrica, and Norco 7.5-325mg tabs for serious pain), along with narcotic meds. I wish I could grow weed plants, then I wouldn't need the Norco for pain. I haven't smoked in months and it's doing a number on my pain levels.

Mentally I've been really struggling with my OCD and intrusive thoughts, but I am still filled with hope and I find myself looking forward to my appointments which is odd considering my past experiences.

I hate feeling like and thinking I'm going to die soon, or that someone is going to break into my place and steal my things(I've been the victim of several home invasions in the past) I talked to my therapist about it and she says it's part of my MDD and OCD. I just hate this shit, and I just hope that we'll make it through the summer to the release date of MGSV:TPP and I get to play it. It would devastate me if I don't get to play it, I don't know what I'd do.

I know it's all in my head but it doesn't help when the weather gets like it does, or I end up just fighting with myself even though everything is going to be fine more likely than not.

It's a rough day today, I think I'll be okay and I'll get over it but I just hate the stress of my day to day life.

I keep putting off organizing and editing my chapters, and writing more... I need to get over this and write it all out and edit my novel.

 

[kiyomi]

I don't have anyone to talk to. I only have one friend at this point (all my friends I met online and they all got too busy to talk but one) but my one friend doesn't feel very fulfilling. I guess that's stupid and terrible to say but all the things I want to talk about, if I'm in a good mood, seem too stupid for them or something that would be boring or annoy them. We tried to watch Agent Carter together and she thought it was sexist and terrible. I tried to have a discussion about the show and it turned into this fucking argument so we stopped watching the show, I couldn't even stand to finish it, and now I feel too stupid to talk about anything else I like in case they don't like it either. And I feel too stupid to talk about my problems cause they never really ask/say if I wanna talk, and in the past when I try to talk about my issues they're just like "I'm sorry." No advice, nothing really comforting. Just "I'm sorry." I'm so fucking sick of "I'm sorry."

I feel the same way every day, have a couple of friends online and while it might sound horrible to say, they aren't fulfilling relationships. It's tough enough to cope with the fact that most people just don't seem to enjoy talking to me, it's even tougher when you have someone you consider a friend just forget about you and seem like they don't want to chat or anything.

Wish I could offer some advice but idk, it's not uncommon, is what I'm getting at. Similar age to you as well, just not finding the right relationships online and finding nothing offline. It sucks.

 

[Kipp]

So this weekend has actually been pretty solid so far.
Last night I went bouldering and it was one of the best times I've had in recent memory, at work this morning I was in a good mood, hung out with a friend after work, then went for a bike ride where I stopped at a light with another cyclist and we ended up biking 40 miles together and chatting which hasn't really happened to me before and I really enjoyed. So yeah, really good so far.

However, that does bring me to an issue I have. Whenever I do heavy exercise (which is pretty frequently) I get insane brain fog to the extent that I can't even enjoy watching a TV show or something that even remotely requires my attention and understanding. So it kind of ruins the rest of my day. And that's where I'm at right now.
Most people with depression say that exercise gives them a positive boost, but if anything, exercise brings me down since it wears me out so much mentally.
I really don't have any clue why this happens to me.

 

[A Human Becoming]

I think *sadness*, as distinct from depression, is a very healthy, essential part of life. There is a bit of an idea, in modern life, that we should all be happy all of the time. With the internet and social media and smart phones, there's a very real drive to constantly be checking things and messaging people and chasing another moments' stimulus. I'm super guilty of that and I have to constantly reevaluate how I am using twitter, GAF, etc etc. But..I dunno. I guess I believe that a full, rich, fulfilling life spans all of the emotions we have. You can sort of truck along at a few ticks above neutral by chasing things to make you happy moment to moment, but if you want the higher highs, you kind of need to put up with the lower lows.

You know I understand the difference between sadness and depression. What you're saying after is pertinent to why I chose "sadness". I think there is a perception we should always be happy or at least 3/4 of the time. The idea that if you're not leaving a very fulfilling life the fault falls entirely on the individual. You might be right about needing to put up with the lower lows to get those highs, but I think that's very dependent on the situation.

Beyond my musings on this crap, I think it's important to keep in mind why depression has its own name, and why it is so hard to deal with. Sadness, as a normal human emotion, has a cause, and an effect. There is often growth and change that comes from dealing with sad things. Being sad is one stage in the response to tragedy and setbacks. Depression's defining characteristic is the awful feelings that accompany normal sadness, but without clear causes, or out of proportion to those causes, and the effects tend to deepen those feelings. You can grow from depression in the longer term, and I know I have, but getting out of a depressive episode really doesn't have that same characteristic of coming to terms with a thing, dealing with it, and coming out stronger. People often just sort of flop out of them, exhausted, and without any kind of resolution. It's the pointlessness of depression that sucks so very much.

Very eloquently said. I believing flopping out is what I do. I've noticed the pattern of small resolutions sticking while large ones failing from the start. Instead maybe I should only do small resolutions, even if there's little or no immediate feedback. Big resolutions are the breakthroughs, which is what we all want. Thinking one will cause multiple if not most restrictions be lifted isn't realistic.

So sure, being happy is great. Life is too short. Being sad all the time is a shitty way to spend your time. But I completely reject the suggestion that depression is some kind of moral failing - that any of us are fundamentally choosing to be "sad" and it's just a matter of appreciating our time here in earth. Illnesses don't work like that. Life's too short to be diabetic, too, but fuck if just saying that cures anything.

There are elements of choice involved at some stages of depression, in some people. There is some truth there. But the larger suggestion is almost always that people have just chosen to have this fake thing we call depression and they need to just start smiling and get out there and live. No. Fuck anyone who says that.

Agreed. It's making the right choices I'm not sure about. Ones I made when I was younger may no longer be appropriate. It's confusing and remains unclear despite years of effort.

I'm not sure what I'm doing works or that my new approach is the right direction to head. A constantly feeling of uncertainty is degrading morale. I want to live the life I want now or at least soon. I'm so fed up with it.

 

[Piano]

Some of them just not comfortable, but others something else entirely. Worst situation I had with a therapist is him contacting my parents, and flat out lying to them about what I was doing/talking about during our sessions in an effort to get me committed.

Huh. That seems like a big breach of protocol. So what he was saying wasn't accurate? Why do you think he wanted to get you committed?

Sorry if that's too personal. Feel free to disregard.

I was always disappointed that I didn't take any jazz classes while I had the chance. Not that I would have been a jazz piano master or anything but just the theory would have been helpful in terms of composition. I spent my first two years of college as a composer and the last two as a classical pianist (specializing in accompaniment).

Jazz theory helped tremendously in understanding jazz, obviously, but also popular music, which though we may consider simple has some rhyme and reason behind what does and doesn't sound "good" or "catchy". It's not really "backwards compatible" though, in that jazz theory is unable to correctly explain / analyze Beethoven or Chopin or Debussy. It's sort of like a parallel track. They're the same or very similar up to a certain point and then they go in VERY different directions.

I'm back on the classical theory track now but there are some things from jazz theory I just can't drop. Like a Db chord in the key of f minor is a bVI (flat six) to me, not just ambiguous "VI" which leaves it up to context where the root lies. If that makes any sense.

I wonder if there are any online resources out there for jazz theory? I'm sure you would find it as fascinating as I did!

Also, mad respect for being an accompanist. An underappreciated skill, and one that requires so much patience.

Yeah, I understand that. I never got to the point where my career had fully taken off because I got sick before that happened but I was never terribly good at the communication and business aspect of being a freelance musician. I sucked at communication because I have Aspergers and any unexpected situation would completely send me into panic mode. As for the business and what to charge people, I tried to handle it logically but that didn't always work. Sometimes, I'd get into the mindset of, "Well, okay. I have to drive thirty miles to get to this gig today. So... it makes sense that I should charge them for my time getting there, right?"

Yeah, that never ended well. It becomes a massive balancing act, what you feel you can get away with charging people that's fair and also covers all your other expenses. I hated it. Music, that's the part I understand and am good at. Get me in front of a singer and I can coach them. Get me on a piano and I know what to do. But in this modern world, you're expected to be able to network, suck up to people, handle the business side of things (including the nightmare that is tax season when you're self-employed) and much more. Of course, if you get yourself hired by a school, some of this becomes easier but not all of it.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

Thanks, man, I can't think of anything right now but if I do I'll let you know

I agree about the massive balancing act. I'm going to try to walk it with an attitude of "I will work hard and that hard work will be my reputation." This will likely mean that I will not be as connected, successful, well known, etc. as someone who really maximizes their networking skills but that's okay with me. My goal is to be an above average teacher or musician, not the best. Being the best sounds really stressful and means that people have a lot of expectations of you.

In fact, lately I've been considering whether I want to to Elementary Music Education or maybe Middle School rather than High School because there are a lot more expectations running around for a High School choir than there are for a bunch of children or pre-teens.

My programming homework is due today close to midnight, and I can't even get any good results. Why even try? I'm not going to figure anything out by that time. I don't know what I'm doing despite reading the description of the homework. There's no way I'm going to pass my final for my c++ class. I don't have the passion nor love to keep going when I'm stuck in programming. Also, she wants coding to be syntactically correct even though I won't reach to the results she's looking for. I dislike myself for not trying. I hate myself because I'm the type of person who easily gives up without trying. I wonder if idiot city exist, maybe I should reside there.

If having trouble with programming single-handedly qualifies someone for idiot city I'd wager a guess most of GAF would be moving in alongside you.

I also find it interesting that you seem to reason yourself out of trying and then judge yourself for it. Seems like you're setting yourself a trap, no?

Yesterday I just broke down completely. My life is already much better than I will ever deserve, yet I don't find any joy in it.
My father provided some pill under the table, which kind of made me stop caring for a while but I still know everything's messed up and only going to get worse.
I keep going back and forth whether I should just give up or not, meanwhile the world keeps going further out of my reach.

Have you considered seeking treatment from a therapist and / or psychiatrist? I think both would be much more likely to be beneficial than taking pills your father provides.

Of course it had to rain on my freaking b-day.

Maybe rain on your birthday isn't so bad? There's less pressure to go out and do something cool. Your cake looks awesome by the way. Was it as delicious as it looked?

Have any of you guys ever experienced extremely short bouts of heavy depression and/or anxiety? The past few days I've been experiencing both pretty heavily, I went to bed last night hoping I would just die in my sleep, and my anxiety was so bad that I literally felt like I had butterflies in my chest and the skin around my fingernails bleeding from me biting the skin off of them.

Then I wake up this morning and I'm completely fine. What the hell? No depression, no anxiety. In fact, I've been in a great mood all day. All of those worries I had for two days just mean nothing now. I never had this happen to me before, usually I experience long bouts of depression and/or anxiety throughout the winter months and then it dissipates as spring/summer grows near.

Strange.

Yes, I have, and initially it was deemed rapid cycling and I was categorized as bipolar II but that didn't end up sticking. I came to understand it as always being a symptom of just having a massive amount of anxiety (or being on the wrong medication a couple of times). Often from traveling. I used to spend 2-3 days post traveling anywhere in a darker place.

My question is, were you able to find any sort of source for the anxiety and depression? Did they just spring up out of nowhere one morning? When you sat with the feelings did they give you any clue as to their content? What did they feel like? Was it an unsettled anxiety, or existential anxiety, or ruminating anxiety, or something else entirely? Was there something you were feeling depressed or anxious about that you could identify?

Usually these things don't come out of nowhere.

It's always encouraging to have a thought process to fight against instead of a feeling. You can't tell just tell yourself to stop being anxious, but you can tell yourself to stop asking that question and think about something else instead, even if those bad feelings of anxiety and depression follow you on that more positive train of thought.

Psychology Today has an article about it, and calls rumination an addictive bad habit that is best dropped cold turkey, and so that's my current goal right now, telling myself I'm not allowed to think about certain questions even for a second. It's certainly a hard habit to break, but it seems very productive to work on it.

I don't know if that lines up with anyone else's experience, but I thought it worth sharing.

Thank you for sharing!

Ruminating is both tempting and taxing. I wouldn't think of it as having to tell yourself or command yourself to stop ruminating, though, rather you can slowly train yourself to ruminate less. Forcing or fighting emotions usually just causes me more anxiety.

I don't think I can afford that. I would need/want weekly sessions.

Do you have insurance? Most insurance plans these days cover some form of mental health treatment, especially in the wake of the Affordable Care Act.

Also, I would encourage you to think of your mental health as a priority. For if you don't have your mind, your self, your contentment, what use are the other things you have?

I dunno who to talk to. It's too late in the school year for a therapist. When I go home for the summer, my mom doesn't like therapist/doctors/medication and doesn't even think depression is "legit", and even if my dad was supportive about it I couldn't stand her bullshit. And honestly she's basically the head of household so I'd have to get her "approval" anyway. I know I'm fucking twenty-five but I don't have the money to move out, I have to do college shit first.

Do you have any idea why your mother doesn't like therapists / doctors / medication and doesn't think depression is real? It sounds as though therapy would be a tremendous help to you and one would think that a mother would want her son to be well. I know you said your dad doesn't have much household power, but perhaps it could still be helpful to talk to him about it? It could feel good to have any familial support at all.

If nothing else, I would make seeking treatment through your school when you return a priority.

I hate feeling like and thinking I'm going to die soon, or that someone is going to break into my place and steal my things(I've been the victim of several home invasions in the past) I talked to my therapist about it and she says it's part of my MDD and OCD. I just hate this shit, and I just hope that we'll make it through the summer to the release date of MGSV:TPP and I get to play it. It would devastate me if I don't get to play it, I don't know what I'd do.

I know it's all in my head but it doesn't help when the weather gets like it does, or I end up just fighting with myself even though everything is going to be fine more likely than not.

It's a rough day today, I think I'll be okay and I'll get over it but I just hate the stress of my day to day life.

I keep putting off organizing and editing my chapters, and writing more... I need to get over this and write it all out and edit my novel.

Sorry you had a rough patch, RoyalDuke. It sounds like you've had some intensely scary experiences with inclement weather ... tornadoes in particular terrify me.

Still, even in a down day or week or however long it is or was, I am really heartened by how much your tone has changed in the past few weeks as you've started pursuing treatment. Like, you're actually looking forward to some things and you think it just might be okay! That's freaking HUGE.

I'm not a MGS guy but, if nothing else, I'm looking forward to the release of MGSV just so maybe we can find out what the hell happened between Konami and Kojima. Man I used to love their games, especially Castlevania.

Best of luck with your writing! Try not to think of it as something you HAVE to do or you're a slacker. The process itself and how you interact with it seems like it could be just as valuable than the end result, if not more so. It's wonderful that you have a means through which to express yourself.

So this weekend has actually been pretty solid so far.
Last night I went bouldering and it was one of the best times I've had in recent memory, at work this morning I was in a good mood, hung out with a friend after work, then went for a bike ride where I stopped at a light with another cyclist and we ended up biking 40 miles together and chatting which hasn't really happened to me before and I really enjoyed. So yeah, really good so far.

However, that does bring me to an issue I have. Whenever I do heavy exercise (which is pretty frequently) I get insane brain fog to the extent that I can't even enjoy watching a TV show or something that even remotely requires my attention and understanding. So it kind of ruins the rest of my day. And that's where I'm at right now.
Most people with depression say that exercise gives them a positive boost, but if anything, exercise brings me down since it wears me out so much mentally.
I really don't have any clue why this happens to me.

First of all, I'm so glad to hear that you had a solid weekend . Hopefully it can give you a lot of fuel to keep marching forward.

I've never had that issue with exercise and can't recall ever hearing of it before. Have you checked with a doctor? I was almost going to say "Google it" but Google will probably tell you you're 10 minutes from death or something.

<3 stay as well as possible, everyone.

 

[Kipp]

First of all, I'm so glad to hear that you had a solid weekend . Hopefully it can give you a lot of fuel to keep marching forward.

I've never had that issue with exercise and can't recall ever hearing of it before. Have you checked with a doctor? I was almost going to say "Google it" but Google will probably tell you you're 10 minutes from death or something.

<3 stay as well as possible, everyone.

Thanks!

And yeah, I've never heard of anyone else with the same problem either. I've tried to do some internet research but had no luck finding anything. Pretty strange.
I suspect it could be due to not enough carbs or salt since my diet is pretty low in both of those, but I haven't really noticed a change in days where I've had more carbs or salt, so I'm not sure.
And as for asking the doctor... Well, I've actually only been to the doctor twice in the past 10 or so years, and both of those times were in the past couple months. The first visit I was so nervous about telling the doctor I have depression (which was the reason I went to the doctor) that I completely forgot to tell him about any other various problems like that one. And the second visit, I had the mindset that perhaps that issue was related to my depression or low testosterone (which I still think is a definite possibility) so it would maybe fix itself and I wouldn't need to ask. Of course, now that I'm typing that out, that seems totally ridiculous and I should've mentioned it. I'll definitely mention it the next time I go to the doctor.

 

[Cizeta-Moroder]

Have you considered seeking treatment from a therapist and / or psychiatrist? I think both would be much more likely to be beneficial than taking pills your father provides.

I guess I omitted some crucial background info. I am actually undergoing CBT (since nine months) and my father is a medical professional. I was on sertraline for a year and a half.
The complete lack of progress suggests that I'm not, nor have I ever been, in an actual pathological state that could be cured. I just don't think I'm fit for society (or life), and I can't imagine anything changing that.
But there's always a tiny bit of optimism in me that persists, which only serves to prolong the pain. By how much, I don't know. Maybe I'll remain a burden to society for a good 80 years. I'd hate that.