I was put on a fairly high dosage of Adderall when I was 14 years old (I'm 28 now) because I didn't have the ability to concentrate on my schoolwork at the time. I didn't fully realize this growing up - I only see the full extent of it now that I look back and have gotten off the drug - but it emotionally blunted me throughout my life. When I was on the drug, sad news wasn't that sad and good times weren't that good either. I simply couldn't feel my emotions and wasn't truly in touch with myself as a result. The benefit of the drug was that it gave me the physical ability to sit still and do tedious tasks that people without ADHD may not enjoy doing, but have the ability to do when they put their mind to it. I genuinely need a drug to make myself do those things.
This led me, however, to pursue a career that I really didn't want because I couldn't see outside this self-perpetuating rabbit hole I fell into: I took a drug to make boring work more stimulating to my senses rather than truly finding work that was stimulating to my senses without the drug. Then when I pursued this line of work by entering law school, I felt like I needed to stay on the drug just to keep up in a very competitive environment. Not once did I pick up my head to evaluate whether law was the right career path because I honestly didn't have the ability to do so while I was on the drug. There was no calmness to my thoughts or broad perspective to them because, again, I couldn't feel my emotions. I was totally out of touch with myself during most hours of the day and during most days of the year as I toiled away making motions and drafting briefs.
It impacted my relationships and my ex girlfriends always told me I was so "distant" or "cold" when I was on it. In social situations, I often faked my smiles because my mouth physically felt wooden and my jaw felt stiff while I was on it, making it very hard to have genuine expressions during those times that I desperately wanted to have them. This made a lot of relationships super awkward and turned me into a bit of a work-aholic because that's the only place where I really excelled in life. And that feeling of being successful at something caused me to be addicted to the drug to keep up. I'd abuse my medication when the circumstances called for it and I needed to work late hours or on intense assignements. As you could imagine, this led to a very unfulfilling lifestyle.
Fortunately, a few months ago I had a "fuck it" moment and got off the drug. I simply stopped taking it and cleared my head because I was tired of all of the racing thoughts and inability to evaluate whether I even cared about what I do. I felt so inhuman and wanted to experience a life of genuine emotions. I wanted to feel ALIVE. So I stopped taking it, cold turkey.
My job at the time as a litigator required extreme attention to detail and without the drug I felt pretty incompetent and bored in the office, so I quit with absolutely no backup plan. I felt strangely calm about it and was able to quit without hesitation. It just felt right.
During this time, I switched psychiatrists. My previous doctor was just a pill pusher who I never really talked to and just gave me my monthly prescription. But my new doctor is absolutely fantastic and is working with me to address how ADHD and medication effects every dimension of my life: mentally, physically, socially, and professionally.
As a result, I'm now on the lowest possible dosage of Vyvanse and I'm not experiencing any of the emotional issues that I felt on Adderall. It gives me a much "smoother" train of thought rather than a rush of ideas and has led to no awkward feelings. I also found a new job in another field that allows me to work with cool people that I find genuinely rewarding.
So, I guess this isn't much of a "confession" so much as it is a rambling story that I wanted to share anonymously with GAF. I hope someone who experiences the same sort of numbness that I felt while on Adderall (or any other type of ADHD medication) can read this message and know this: it's not worth it. No career in this world is worth suffering that unfulfilling state of mind. Those of you who feel that lack of emotion on the drug (you know who you are) really need to get off it. Take it from me. If you need to see other doctors, do it. If you need to stop cold turkey, do it. If you need to find a new career, do it.
Don't let fear stand in the way of the most important kind of "success" there is: happiness and feeling alive every day.
It's also not cheating because they don't kiss. So it's totally not romantic or anything. Besides, kissing your own sibling is disgusting, in the confessor's own (paraphrased) words.
