I hope to break out of the cycle one day. I started my last year of Uni and as such I'm actually getting out of the house and have a great group of friends. Its weird, I feel like I have a butt over my head everywhere I go but I have the impression that nobody suspects a thing in regards to how I really feel, which is to be expected I guess, I mean whey would they? When I'm out and about I tend to walk with my head down, slumped but once I'm at Uni and around friends I feel a bit more confident and maybe even come across as smart and fashionable, but its all a front I've lead myself to believe. My work has massively deteriorated as a result.
I guess I've always been good at acting in the heat of the moment. I hate speeches but put me in front of an audience and I nail it. I have a panic attacks at the thoughts of interacting with people but when it comes to it I seem to handle the situation well and come across as confident but I always have those days where I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and look like death itself. Nobody wants to interact with me in these cases haha!
That leads into another issue, the problem I have of isolating myself and pushing people away. I let myself believe that I'm not good enough for companionship and already have accepted that I'll probably die alone with nothing of note to my name. having said that, I don't take any medication but I may look into that. Nothing will solve itself overnight but I hope to instigate the start somehow.
Thanks for the comments.
Well, javac, it sounds as though many of these issues are your feelings about feelings, or your perception of situations, or the
anticipation of suffering creating suffering, which can all create a pretty tough cycle but one that is definitely possible to weaken. From how you describe it it seems as though there are several places one could possibly jump in and try to break the cycle - by working on your sense of self-worth, for instance. Or one could think that sense of self worth will naturally strengthen as you stop anticipating disaster and work on that instead. Or any other number of things! The point is there are many possibilities, so it's fine to just sort of, well, start
anywhere and see where you can start understanding yourself, your feelings, and your circumstances and how you can work to modify them.
It's been awhile; I'm still seeing the counsellor and while all trust between us was completely shattered after the unfortunate escalation, and while I'm still not seeing any real benefit to going, I've pretty much accepted that I am in really dire need of help. I'd been doing really good for about two weeks and now, again, my mental health is pretty much shattered. I met with the psychiatrist a few days ago and honestly, it made me worse. She caught me in a rather good time period mentally (I wasn't suicidal, I had a bit more determination, my mood was rather lifted temporarily, I had established a fairly good routine) so missed me in a 'crisis' situation, she was really unprepared (the appointment was moved up a week and she hadn't read any of the referral information due to it) and half an hour late, and frankly asked a total of five or six questions which don't even begin to touch on the situation (basically the details of what actually happened, why I was referred, and details about my near-disownment). I can't afford another appointment (I couldn't afford the first, let alone a second), I don't have a meeting with my counsellor for another week, and I'm really feeling the psychiatrist's meeting to be a colossal waste of time and money, and it basically killed the momentum of my positivity dead in its tracks.
If your psychiatrist was half an hour late I think you should call, complain, and try to get at least a partial refund, TOWK. You pay for the time with the psychiatrist; if she does not give you that time, you should not pay for it (in my opinion). I had a psychiatrist meet with me for 15 minutes out of a supposed 45 minute appointment once and his office was (surprisingly) pretty apologetic when I (calmly, reasonably) complained. Needless to say I never went and saw him again.
My coworker told me on Thursday that I'm a punchline with our swing shift. How everyone on that shift thinks I'm basically incompetent and dont do my work right.
That's done miracles for my confidence. Basically brings up old insecurities of some of college "friends" calling me n00bsauce. And ever since that was brought up, it's basically all I think about.
Your coworkers sound like real jerks, Megaloroso. I hope some distance from that conversation will give you more space of mind to move on from those worries and realize that their awful perspective does not define you. Undoubtedly they are unhappy somehow and are taking it out on others (as we often do, as well).
Nobody can force me to take meds if I don't want to, right? I've been having some side effects but my doctor didn't want to take me off it. So I figure I'll just stop taking them since it's gotten to that point. Can't sleep, can't relax, cannot stop shaking. I'm not going to tell them I'm stopping taking my meds because I'm sure they would make me take them.
It depends on the circumstances you're in whether anyone can force you to take your meds. Generally no, unless you're in a controlled treatment environment. In either case, there should be someone you can talk to (or online resources you can consult) to see what the legal situation is.
In the meantime, I really, really encourage you to discuss all medication changes with a doctor, as making sudden or repeated changes can cause a lot of issues.
I got a diagnosis from my psychiatrist: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with secondary undefined (chronic) depression. I am happy it isn't something Major Depressive Disorder, but I came home distraught over the secondary diagnosis. I don't want to live with dysthymia/depression for the rest of my life. I want to be full of energy and joyful and inappropriate exuberance. I want to feel interested in my interests again. She also stressed that what I am feeling right now is normal and that I am indeed, going through a transitional/quarter life crisis of sorts. She also somewhat implied that there's hope for me still since I am still young.
So, she prescribed me Wellbutrin for the depressive stuff and Gabbapentin for the anxiety stuff. Here and elsewhere, I heard decent things about Wellbutrin and I am putting my faith into this for it to work. I'll be seeing an actual therapist tomorrow and will post an update on that as well. I am scared, I am begrudgingly optimistic, but woefully pessimistic. I want to be me again and that is it.
I'm so glad to hear that you're covering some ground, FITG! Begrudgingly optimistic isn't a bad place to be for the time being. I hope your therapy appointment went well.
Woke up Sunday morning and it was like all the things that had been switched off in my brain had been flipped back on. It was great. I now live in fear of going to sleep, but I plan to see a Dr. about it next year when they start seeing new patients again. It's good to know that an episode like this only lasted two weeks. I'm not looking forward to future ones, but I want to have something set up for when it comes back. I have a feeling that me and Meloncholic depression will see each other again.
I'm so glad to hear it, Ivan. I agree with you that it's a good idea to check in with a doctor - I've found it's best not to wait until the house is on fire to buy an extinguisher, if you know what I mean.
I've slowly come to realise over the last few months that my ex was the only person in my life who would bother to take time to strike up a conversation with me and ask how I am. I chat with people all the time, but nobody seems to care and nobody ever returns the favour. A bunch of people just seem to get annoyed with me and drift further away. Most of the time I pass people I know on the street they don't even see me. I'll meet people and they'll just forget I ever existed as soon as I leave. I can't cope anymore but I can't talk to any of my friends about it because the entire point is that I feel like nobody cares unless I make them.
What am I doing wrong?
Well, I'm obviously not qualified to level a judgment of your social life, Dryk, but I think you'll find that it's not uncommon to struggle with making both platonic and romantic relationships meaningful or lasting to some extent. The social sphere, I feel, is like this gigantic puzzle where the pieces are always moving and changing and we spend our whole lives figuring out where we fit, or how we need to change so that we
can fit. Ultimately, I've found, this takes a more personal level of expertise than one-size-fits-all advice, though that can be helpful in its own way.
What I think can help, generally, is self-exploration and self-understanding, and those are things that can be pursued personally or with the help of a counselor / therapist, or both! Have you ever considered seeking mental health treatment? AFA's explanation of CBT above will give you a bit of a taste of how it can work.
For me, for instance, I had to come to recognize how emotionally closed off I was to 99.8% of people (basically everyone except the occasional girlfriend), why that was, and how I could go about guiding myself to relearn that behavior and more strongly connect with people. Even then, I can't connect with everyone - none of us can - and sometimes it takes a while to find people whom I fit with.
I can assure you that you do have value, and there are others who can see that. Hopefully you can start examining the puzzle and its pieces with a different perspective and that will bring greater clarity to your situation.
So I went out with a friend of mine and his two other friends came along. One of his friends lets call him Tim kept talking about the guys he hooked up with. Then the conversation went into talking about relationships and sex. All the time I think how each of these guys can find someone and not me. It sucks to have feelings for companionship knowing I'm the total opposite of what's attractive in the gay community. Even coming home tonight waiting for the train I wanted to jump in front of it. Let it will just hurt for a microsecond then I will be free of this hellish body.
I know I've harped over many of the same points in responding to you, neojubei, so excuse my repetition, but I really do find it worth noting how strongly your focus seems to be on finding a boyfriend. Of course most people desire companionship, but to value it above all else and view it as the missing piece to happiness is quite interesting to me.
I also found that it didn't work that way for me. When I really hate myself, even if I'm in a relationship with someone who tells me I'm attractive or wonderful or whatever I
do not believe them. It turns out, someone else's judgment can't override your own. Think about it. When has someone else's judgment of
anything just jumped in and replaced your own? It's never happened to me. The two have to reconcile somehow, or with things sensitive topics like attractiveness, my mind desperately finds ways to convince me that the other person is lying or wrong or whatever.
Not to mention that I have also learned that having a significant other cannot suddenly fix all of my problems. They are still there, and eat away at the relationship. I spent a long time looking for a
Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Doesn't exist.
When I was a teenager and was first getting into drinking alcohol, I had this bad pattern for a while where
every time I got drunk I'd break down and cry about how ugly I was. It didn't matter how many people told me I was wrong, I didn't believe them. The only thing that finally,
finally got a response out of me was when a wonderfully fashionable gay friend sat me down and said "listen. You're not ugly, but here are some things you can do to be more attractive:" and gave me six or so things I could work on. After a few months of working on those things I, for-the-first-time-in-my-LIFE felt almost, possibly, slightly attractive (of course that feeling didn't last, but you know how it goes). Precisely because I had taken these things I didn't like about my appearance and finally figured out what I could do to change them and started working on it, bit by bit.
Of course, there are some things I can't change easily (like, say, my nose) and for those it became a matter of mending my perception of myself and my expectations. Essentially, I had to meet myself halfway - do as much as I could, concretely, to change what I did not like about myself, and then do as much as I could, psychologically, to change my totally broken self-image. I did not do that on my own, of course, I'm not that cool. I had to find a therapist whom I trusted who could help me understand my thought patterns and the roots of my anxieties and judgments and the such.
So my thoughts are twofold:
Surely there is more to life than romantic relationships, yes?
Surely there are things that can be done to improve self-image?
I'm sorry you're suffering, neojubei, and if you haven't already spoken to your friends about what you're going through I encourage you to do so.
This chest tightness really feels shitty. I guess I get it from my stress/anxiety from uni, but it's a pain to get rid of. I've been trying to exercise more thinking that maybe that would help, but it only does for a short amount of time. It just feels really bad for my health in the long run.
Is the chest tightness 24/7?
I'm pretty much at the point where there's nothing I want to do with my free time. For the past month or so, the things I used to enjoy doing in my free time have been falling away one by one. At this point I'm just working as much as I can since I don't have anything else I want to do, so I might as well be making money. Hopefully the Prozac can help with that...
Falling away, as in you no longer enjoy them? Can you describe the difference in how they used to make you feel versus how they feel now?
Not sure if this is the right place to ask, but figure someone may have some advice.
Within the last two years I've been getting anxiety in social situations and it's been getting worse to the point that I'm dreading social calls. I still do things with my friends, but I'm not actually enjoying being in their company for very long and usually find myself waiting for the opportune time to say I'm leaving. In other words, I do my best to act like I'm having fun so I don't offend anyone, but I'm really not glad to be there. It's odd and I feel like I accidentally hit a switch somewhere in my brain that I can't locate to turn off.
I'm afraid of this getting worse to the point that I begin to really isolate myself.
Is this something a therapist could help root out?
Yes, absolutely, definitely yes. I encourage you to look into therapy, Paco. Let us know if you have any questions.
Okay, thanks. I'll look into this.
I'm thinking I should go to a therapist. I've been told that I should, and I tried it for about 5 sessions earlier this year. I hated it, really didn't feel good after I left and I didn't really connect with the therapist, but I feel like I need to try again because I can't just let myself keep living like this.
Could you try again with a different therapist? Not everyone is going to connect with every therapist, and it may take a few tries to find someone you're comfortable with.
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