My social life is broken, GAF. I'm talking shattered. Self confidence, actual socializing, it's all flat lined. All I do is work, eat, game and sleep. I have always been a skinny, lanky person. Hardly the most appealing physique in the world. How the fuck do I turn this around?
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
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Miles Quaritch
Member
What is the underlying reason it's broken?
Why don't you go out with friends? Socialise with coworkers after work?
Gotdatmoney
Member
What he said was most certainly out of line and flat out rude
That said, this is an advice thread so may I ask who the fuck "you" are to decide what those asking should and shouldn't consider?
Please do tell.
Why not try the very obvious option of going to the gym if you dont like your physique and want to turn it around?
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Don't stay with her for her sake. You'll end up miserable, she'll notice, and then you'll both be miserable. If you're not feeling it, cut it off and don't wait.
The number of girlfriends you've had does not correlate to being in love. You can date people officially and never be in love with them.
I've been really sad this afternoon about this, I don't know if subconsciously the pessimist in me is saying my first ever relationship couldn't possibly be "the one" for life.
I'm also a little bit wary as pretty much everyone in her family has been divorced at least once.
I don't fucking know what to think right now, I'm so confused.
I'm also a little bit wary as pretty much everyone in her family has been divorced at least once.
I don't fucking know what to think right now, I'm so confused.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Are you happy? Yes? Continue. No? End it. Like I'm unsure what the issue is. If you like this person, you get along and there are no deal breakers why exactly are you confused. To be confused here tells me you dom't actially know what you want. So forget her family, forget the "first one cant be the true onr" and just answer a simple question. What is it you're looking for?
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Yeah, but what if I started giving out advice on here.
salty_Josh
Member
Take a step back.
No one is asking you to marry the girl, so stop thinking like your life depends on what you do now. You could be lucky and you could have found the one for you already or she might not be. If the relationship isn't going to last then it's not going to last, but that doesn't mean you should break it off prematurely just because it might not work out.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Fuck, guys. I sleep in one day and this thread blows up. We're almost to the point of
Dating-Age |OT6| Halp me pls, at the altar/therapist's office,
the companion thread to
Online Dating |OT2| Just fucking ask them out already.
Here's the thing, Dobsie: the reason you're feeling what your feeling isn't necessarily what you think it is. You're trying to ascribe reasons, but you're not an unbiased third party. You're in the shit, as it were. You're feeling sad and anxious, and now you're pulling possible justifications from the world around you. Why does it matter if "pretty much everyone in her family has been divorced?"
Why are you scared of the possibility of divorce?
Why are you fearful that your girlfriend is exactly like her mother/sister/aunt/etc.?
So, let's get to the start of it:
You never explained why you called the break in the first place, or what led up to it. Things don't happen in a vacuum. You both sound young. Views on politics change over time. Morals, perhaps less so. Have you talked to her about your concerns? Again, in a vacuum, the fact that she's one particular flavor of politics doesn't matter. If you never discuss politics, then you might get side-eye on voting day, and that's the end of it. Why, specifically, is this a concern for you?
I can tell you that, when I knew I loved my girlfriend (and we're also on a break, though it's because she's studying for a licensing exam next week, so let's hope we beat the odds), it was a few things -- being content to watch her sleep even though I had trouble doing so; getting irrationally excited about things like her designing our house; and, ultimately, thinking less and less about me and her and having us be the default setting in my mind. Love is the subrogation of self into a much stronger partnership.
The answer is simple: develop muscle to change your physique; push your boundaries in social situations to get more accustomed to varieties; game less so that you have free time to manage the rest; add priorities to your day, so accomplish meaningful things on a regular basis.
Getting there is harder. The only thing I'll do is counsel you not to use dating as a band-aid for a lackluster social life. Plenty of people do, and it almost always ends horribly. Concentrate on the friendships you have and strengthen them.
Dating-Age |OT6| Halp me pls, at the altar/therapist's office,
the companion thread to
Online Dating |OT2| Just fucking ask them out already.
Here's the thing, Dobsie: the reason you're feeling what your feeling isn't necessarily what you think it is. You're trying to ascribe reasons, but you're not an unbiased third party. You're in the shit, as it were. You're feeling sad and anxious, and now you're pulling possible justifications from the world around you. Why does it matter if "pretty much everyone in her family has been divorced?"
Why are you scared of the possibility of divorce?
Does this echo a deep-seated fear of commitment or abandonment?
So, let's get to the start of it:
You never explained why you called the break in the first place, or what led up to it. Things don't happen in a vacuum. You both sound young. Views on politics change over time. Morals, perhaps less so. Have you talked to her about your concerns? Again, in a vacuum, the fact that she's one particular flavor of politics doesn't matter. If you never discuss politics, then you might get side-eye on voting day, and that's the end of it. Why, specifically, is this a concern for you?
I can tell you that, when I knew I loved my girlfriend (and we're also on a break, though it's because she's studying for a licensing exam next week, so let's hope we beat the odds), it was a few things -- being content to watch her sleep even though I had trouble doing so; getting irrationally excited about things like her designing our house; and, ultimately, thinking less and less about me and her and having us be the default setting in my mind. Love is the subrogation of self into a much stronger partnership.
The answer is simple: develop muscle to change your physique; push your boundaries in social situations to get more accustomed to varieties; game less so that you have free time to manage the rest; add priorities to your day, so accomplish meaningful things on a regular basis.
Getting there is harder. The only thing I'll do is counsel you not to use dating as a band-aid for a lackluster social life. Plenty of people do, and it almost always ends horribly. Concentrate on the friendships you have and strengthen them.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Its just as welcome as anyone else. People are asking for advice. They should be able to hear all of it and decide what is good and bad. What is valid to their situation and what isn't. Anyome here saying users should disregard other posters can get fucked.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Any suggestions for inside things to do? Apparently it's going to storm sunday so we have to change our plans for something indoors in a city.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Museum, art gallery, sex, theatre (not cinema), bowling, bar.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Not sure I'm suggesting sex for a first date :lol Maybe I'll try bowling or something. Not sure if she's into museums.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Going to a really awful museum could work really well imo. Gives a lot of opportunity for joking around.
Gotdatmoney
Member
I had a friend say bowling wasnt great because when its 2 people you have to take turns so you domt really get a chance to talk much. Mini golf is pretty solid imo.
Does your city have an aquariam? That shit is great.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Bowling isn't a good first date suggestion.
You need to do something where you're both talking or at least not going back and forth from each other. Museum is a good shout as if mini golf. Something that keeps you both together and chatting. Bowling will make it hard to keep a conversation going.
You need to do something where you're both talking or at least not going back and forth from each other. Museum is a good shout as if mini golf. Something that keeps you both together and chatting. Bowling will make it hard to keep a conversation going.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
They do but it's a ways away and was pretty crappy last time I brought someone. It's just way too small so even going slow it's like 30mins tops. I guess it depends on your personality, when I've gone as groups it's always slow with a lot of talking.
I just remembered there's a board game cafe that's pretty cool so we're going to do that. She seemed excited for it.
Me and one girl I was dating for a couple months almost went to the sex museum. I think it had a boob moonbounce IIRC.
Blitzrules240
Banned
I love a good Bowling date but it has to be 2nd or 3rd date. Movies are terrible first dates unless you get food before or afterwards. Breweries are great if she likes craft beer.
Man, Tinder in Japan sucks. Too many people using it for non-dating purposes like meeting token foreign friends or practicing English. I thought it was just my bad luck but an acquaintance of mine experienced the same thing last night.
Also, I know some may disagree but for a first date I want something low commitment and conversation focused. Coffee or drinks or bust.
Also, I know some may disagree but for a first date I want something low commitment and conversation focused. Coffee or drinks or bust.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Try TanTan maybe?
Or CmB?
Or CmB?
SpiritSlayer
Member
I have a question. What type of book is Models by Mark Manson? What does it teach?
Lol I hardly get matches on TanTan and the one girl I met from there was batshit crazy. CmB, eh, hasn't worked for me so far. Tinder isn't impossible, it's just that you have to wade through so much crap to get anything decent.
Japanese pay sites are much better overall - on one I tend to get a few "likes" a day and a decent amount of matches and messages from people who are actually looking for dating/relationships.
Miles Quaritch
Member
How to properly deal with rejection, how to make yourself a more interesting and appealing person, what to do in terms of personal growth before you're ready to start dating and lots of general dating tips.
It's still one of the best dating advice books out there.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Sucks about TanTan, a friend is having lots of success there but he's UK based so maybe that's why.
And I'm really starting to get the sense that only the crazies are left on free sites with all the 'normal' people who want more than attention/someone to drag into their madness migrating to paid sites.
I guess such a shift was always inevitable. Free sites do invite the absolute bare minimum of effort and investment after all.
SpiritSlayer
Member
Roger that, and is it still suggested to read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari as well?
Considering those books were recommended just a page or two ago...
SpiritSlayer
Member
A lot can happen in a page, just checking.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Yup. I haven't read all of Modern Romance, but it's definitely one to check out too.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
:lol It's not that slow moving of a thread.
ErrorMacro
Member
Man, hahaha. Things are weird. So, I matched a new girl on Tinder on tuesday, and we agreed to meet tomorrow. And, just now, the other girl from Tinder that disappeared last week, just appeared again. Apparently, her previously fickle mobile internet died last week, but she got a new plan. I'm inclined to believe in her, because a lot of evidence points out to it being true (and I had similar issues in the past).
In the span of 4 days, I went from one sure date and one maybe date, to zero dates, to one sure date, to two sure dates.
Tomorrow's date is at a board game bar that I suggested, and the girl loved the idea. I'm trying to think of cool 2 player board games to play with her, in between chatting sessions. Any suggestions?
In the span of 4 days, I went from one sure date and one maybe date, to zero dates, to one sure date, to two sure dates.
Tomorrow's date is at a board game bar that I suggested, and the girl loved the idea. I'm trying to think of cool 2 player board games to play with her, in between chatting sessions. Any suggestions?
Wow. That's a doozy. Just remember that you are not responsible for her Mental health and you are definitely not the cure for any issues she might have. In general it sounds like you don't respect her much as a person. Do both of you a favour and break up with her. Then in the future please only date people you like and respect
User 479360
Banned
DatingGAF, I've got a dilemma...
Today, I went back to a hair salon I've been going to off and on for the last 3 or so years. They offer really cheap haircuts/beard trims, so I go there whenever I can't find a better deal and if they're open when I'm out.
Anyways, I usually get different hairdressers, but one has always stood out. She's about my age, is really pretty and is also really nice to talk to. We've always had good conversations, and she's also a gamer. She asks a lot of questions about what I like, and we get along well during that 20 minute span or so.
She was free today, so she cut my hair and we talked for a while. I've always kind of had a thing for her, but have been too afraid to say anything. I asked if she games alone, and she said yes, that she's an introvert (like me) who just goes home after work and games in her room with her cat. That was me trying to see if she's single.
I also mentioned I'd had a date and was going to go in yesterday, but that it was cancelled so I procrastinated a bit. That was another attempt at fishing for info.
I've found her on Facebook, and also gave her a business card with some of my info on it in case she wants to game or ask any questions. But I don't know if she will contact me, and I find myself really wanting to send her a message on Facebook to ask her out like I should have.
Today, I went back to a hair salon I've been going to off and on for the last 3 or so years. They offer really cheap haircuts/beard trims, so I go there whenever I can't find a better deal and if they're open when I'm out.
Anyways, I usually get different hairdressers, but one has always stood out. She's about my age, is really pretty and is also really nice to talk to. We've always had good conversations, and she's also a gamer. She asks a lot of questions about what I like, and we get along well during that 20 minute span or so.
She was free today, so she cut my hair and we talked for a while. I've always kind of had a thing for her, but have been too afraid to say anything. I asked if she games alone, and she said yes, that she's an introvert (like me) who just goes home after work and games in her room with her cat. That was me trying to see if she's single.
I also mentioned I'd had a date and was going to go in yesterday, but that it was cancelled so I procrastinated a bit. That was another attempt at fishing for info.
I've found her on Facebook, and also gave her a business card with some of my info on it in case she wants to game or ask any questions. But I don't know if she will contact me, and I find myself really wanting to send her a message on Facebook to ask her out like I should have.
This Girl seems like someone you should try and Friend before attempting to date.She's a cool girl who's fun to hang out with. Seems like a great person to have as a friend. Plus she's supposedly introverted and Shy. So she will probably appreciate taking the extra time to get to know you before dating is even on her radar.
User 479360
Banned
I'm going to, lol
What do I say?
What do I say?
What's it?
Chewie why not try to hang out with her and learn more about her? Doesn't have to be a date--friends are cool, too.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You don't "friend before attempting to date." That's terrible advice. If he likes her, he ought to ask her out, but considering she does seem like a cool person, if he's rebuffed, he should consider just being her friend.
You played this mostly right: it's uncouth to ask someone out at their workplace. The best method would've been to write something like "Interested in playing X together?" on the back of the business card, hand it to her on your way out, and tell her that you'd love to continue your conversation another time.
Don't put the onus on her; it reduces your agency. You tend to do this: this girl, honestly, has no idea what your intentions are, and you're sitting at home wondering why she's not interested in you because she hasn't contacted you yet. It's not ideal, but add her on Facebook and ask her out. Say that you recalled your conversation, invite her to do X, and then ask if she's interested. If she is, great! If not, say "No worries!" or something similar, and then don't make it weird next time she's got scissors near your face.
User 479360
Banned
I'm doing it. I'm just having a hard time wording it.
Edit: I have this:
Hey A,
I don't normally do this, but I came across your profile through the salon's Facebook page and figured I'd add you. I had a good time talking to you today, and really like the haircut/beard trim you gave me. Now I remember why I like going there.
I don't know if you'd be up for it, but if you'd like to game sometime, or perhaps do something, let me know.
Edit: I have this:
Hey A,
I don't normally do this, but I came across your profile through the salon's Facebook page and figured I'd add you. I had a good time talking to you today, and really like the haircut/beard trim you gave me. Now I remember why I like going there.
I don't know if you'd be up for it, but if you'd like to game sometime, or perhaps do something, let me know.
ErrorMacro
Member
I looked for it, but there is none available. Guess I'll have to ask the people that work there explaining the games for some advice.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Why don't you pick a game you both haven't played before and learn together? Just have one of your favorites in your back pocket too.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
How did you find her on facebook? Did she tell you her full name? I always feel weird about just hitting up people who don't really know me on facebook but maybe that's just me.
User 479360
Banned
Okay. Here's the message. It's finished as a draft but not sent.
Hi A,
I hope things are well.
I don't normally do this, but I found your profile through the salon's Facebook page, and decided to send you a friend request. I enjoyed talking to you today, am really happy with the haircut and beard trim you gave me, and hoped you'd be okay if I added you as a friend.
Now I remember why I like going there so much, as opposed to Great Clips and the like.
I hope this doesn't come off poorly, as I don't really know you that well, but I figured I'd send you this message and see if you perhaps wanted to game sometime, or maybe do something outside of that. You seem like a really nice, genuine and down-to-earth person, and we share a lot of similar interests.
Let me know either way.
Chewie.
I couldn't remember her first name -- at least not 100% -- so I searched their Facebook page and found mention of her. Turns out I was right all along.
I've talked to her several times there, over the years. She's always very nice to me and seems generally interested in talking to me.
I looked up her first name and the salon.
Hi A,
I hope things are well.
I don't normally do this, but I found your profile through the salon's Facebook page, and decided to send you a friend request. I enjoyed talking to you today, am really happy with the haircut and beard trim you gave me, and hoped you'd be okay if I added you as a friend.
Now I remember why I like going there so much, as opposed to Great Clips and the like.
I hope this doesn't come off poorly, as I don't really know you that well, but I figured I'd send you this message and see if you perhaps wanted to game sometime, or maybe do something outside of that. You seem like a really nice, genuine and down-to-earth person, and we share a lot of similar interests.
Let me know either way.
Chewie.
I couldn't remember her first name -- at least not 100% -- so I searched their Facebook page and found mention of her. Turns out I was right all along.
I've talked to her several times there, over the years. She's always very nice to me and seems generally interested in talking to me.
I looked up her first name and the salon.
Pleaaaase don't send this. If you ever have to say something like "I hope this isn't taken the wrong way" then it reeks of lack of confidence.
How is she going to respond to that?
If you have to send a message, say something more like "Hey! I'm the guy from XYZ... Thanks for that haircut. Want to game sometime?"
If she's going to worried about why you tracked her down on Facebook, that's for her to ask and care, not you.
User 479360
Banned
That's my main problem. I'm trying to work on it, though.
I feel like I need to say more than that. I already gave her a business card in case she wanted to game, and just saying "Want to game sometime?" doesn't infer dating.
If she likes you back, then the only reason she wouldn't have gotten in touch with you is that it's too formal and "serious".
At least, that's the vibe I get from the message. She's probably very busy -- and even if people have free time, it isn't "free" free time that they're trying so hard to find out what to do with it.
So you're going to ask her on a date, make it sound like something she'd rather do then waste time at home etc.
Maybe suggest an actual, specific game. But don't send so much text. She isn't going to read it. And she doesn't have to be "fair". Otherwise literally every man in the world could send her such a message and she'd be forced to respond
Keep it short, to be point, and don't sound so unconfident.
I agree that this is terrible advice 99% of the time. I just think this example was an exception. I dont really believe in asking becoming friends with potential dates after they reject you. I think it's messy and falls too close the the "Nice Guy" trap.
If someone is pretty, has social skills and is single by choice I think saying something like let's hang out is better advice then asking her out on a date. It just takes the pressure off
Gotdatmoney
Member
I've never fb messaged someone I didn't have asking for a date so I don't really know the best way to do it but this doesn't read you want to date. Should be more to the point and less small talkish. Like, you want to go on a date so stick to that topic. No comments about her work or the "maybe perhaps you might wanna" stuff.
Just like,
"Hi, I'm ______ from the earlier today at the barber shop. I really enjoyed our discussion and wanted to ask if you were interested in grabbing a coffee. Say Thursday at 7pm?"
How you got her name and fb and all that other stuff is irrelevant because its public info and there isn't really any explanation you can give that isn't gonna look like you were looking for her contact info. As long as you aint gonna go into full on stalker mode if you get a no its just gon be business as usual so . . . w/e
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