So I just went on my girlfriends ipad....
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MrToughPants
Brian Burke punched my mom
Spoiled Milk
Banned
It's been almost a year since my girlfriend (actually) cheated on me. We're very happy now. Things can end well for some people.
Don't be angry, OP. Anger isn't going to solve anything. Don't ask her why she did it, OP. She did it because he was hot and she wanted to see his dick.
There are only two things you need to ask her. The first is what else she has done. Ask a few times and check her eyes when you do. She may or may not lie to you and you will never, ever know, so don't let that fact depress you. The second is to ask her if she still wants to be with you. Tell her to be honest about it and that she can take a little bit of time to figure it out. If she does, now you're on the long road to rebuilding your trust again. That's an entirely different beast. If she doesn't, that's life.
This is all assuming that you also want to be with her. Is she worth it?
Don't be angry, OP. Anger isn't going to solve anything. Don't ask her why she did it, OP. She did it because he was hot and she wanted to see his dick.
There are only two things you need to ask her. The first is what else she has done. Ask a few times and check her eyes when you do. She may or may not lie to you and you will never, ever know, so don't let that fact depress you. The second is to ask her if she still wants to be with you. Tell her to be honest about it and that she can take a little bit of time to figure it out. If she does, now you're on the long road to rebuilding your trust again. That's an entirely different beast. If she doesn't, that's life.
This is all assuming that you also want to be with her. Is she worth it?
I would say what constitutes cheating depends on the relationship. For some, physical contact is required, but for others, it's being intimate (be it physically, or emotionally) with someone else in general, as well as the underlying breach of trust. Everyone has their own boundaries, and a person veers into cheating territory when they overstep what their partner is comfortable with. It's another example for why communication is so important. As a couple, you need to establish what is acceptable and what isn't.
That's true.
Sorry if you read this OP - but it suggests she wants to be elsewhere doing other stuff, rather than it "just happened".
Of course, you could take the 'open' argument and say that sex and 'relationships' can be disparate. That perhaps she is looking for sexual gratification elsewhere but is emotionally happy with OP.
But that's weird. And tough. And one often precludes the other.
Hahaha this thread is killing me. Sorry to hear about your discovery OP. I def recommend you have a serious chat with your gf and get some closure on the whole affair before ending things. I was in the same situation years back and tackled it like an adult, then got the fuck out.
ChaosZeroX
Banned
Oh man I feel bad for laughing at this.
I had a bit of similar situation,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend as well. Everything was great till the start of the year and she stated to be more closed and wasn't into things sexuality like before. Eventually we had a dicussion about how she thinks she's not right for me but wanted to work things out and for a few months things got better then all of a sudden it happened again. We would hangout once a week on her terms and almost no sexual contact what so ever. I kept thinking it was normal just a rough patch but the worse is when I found out she was lying to me. She would tell me about all these times were she was hanging out with her friends but I wasn't invited and I actually was or we would make plans but she would say she is sick. Eventually it came down to her telling me she wanted to fix this and asked her what was wrong and she told me three things. Told me, she hasn't found me sexuality attractive for several months, doesn't get excited to hangout with me and doesn't feel we have any chemistry. Told her right there I wanted to break up and she started crying and I sat there for awhile thinking we were gonna talk about it, nope. After 40 minutes of trying to bring it up I left and while it's hard you start to relise it's for the best.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend as well. Everything was great till the start of the year and she stated to be more closed and wasn't into things sexuality like before. Eventually we had a dicussion about how she thinks she's not right for me but wanted to work things out and for a few months things got better then all of a sudden it happened again. We would hangout once a week on her terms and almost no sexual contact what so ever. I kept thinking it was normal just a rough patch but the worse is when I found out she was lying to me. She would tell me about all these times were she was hanging out with her friends but I wasn't invited and I actually was or we would make plans but she would say she is sick. Eventually it came down to her telling me she wanted to fix this and asked her what was wrong and she told me three things. Told me, she hasn't found me sexuality attractive for several months, doesn't get excited to hangout with me and doesn't feel we have any chemistry. Told her right there I wanted to break up and she started crying and I sat there for awhile thinking we were gonna talk about it, nope. After 40 minutes of trying to bring it up I left and while it's hard you start to relise it's for the best.
FunkyPajamas
Member
His "socially railroaded" comment is alluding to the mono vs poly thing, don't you think? In any case, I'm not saying everybody needs to jump on the "let's hate OP's GF" bandwagon but I feel like people bringing up the issue of society constructs in a discussion where OP has clearly stated he feels slighted/betrayed isn't really helpful at all.
That said, I agree that there needs to be a discussion. I said so in another post. I feel like OP needs to find closure, learn from whatever it is that happened here and leave as the bigger person without hate, resentment or fear. There will be pain and uncertainty, of course, but that's never a reason to stay in a relationship where things are not working (not that you're advocating that).
Now, here's the thing about working out issues when your partner has been unfaithful: how do you trust that they will never do it again? How do you trust that even if you fix whatever part of the issue was your fault, that they will also do their part? I'm not sure that I could (I know for certain that I wouldn't to be honest). Is it worth it? It depends on each individual and the nature of the relationship. Only OP knows.
I'm sorry about your experience but I'm glad you learned from it and realized that just dropping everything isn't always the answer. As I said before, hopefully OP can weigh his options and figure out what will make him a better person as well as give him closure and stability which is what he'll need, one way or another.
Good to have this point of view, but the bolded definitely isn't always true mate.
Cabbagehead
Member
4 years of trust can take the shape of whatever that person deems their threshold, when it comes to situations like this. An it seems the OP has had it with people going behind his back in a relationship and him getting the short end of emotional life boat. So his fuse is pretty short unfortunately for her.
I hope things work out between you. Take it easy.
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
Some of these replies reminds me of that "and then I knew, I was a feminist" article.
I don't know why some of you want OP to be hurt again.
OP, you're better than that. Do some relationships work out after someone has been cheated on? Yes. But the majority do not, and you do not want that hovering around the back of your head, especially if you have OCD. It will ruin you.
OP, you're better than that. Do some relationships work out after someone has been cheated on? Yes. But the majority do not, and you do not want that hovering around the back of your head, especially if you have OCD. It will ruin you.
OP said its over, there isn't a discussion to be had on whether the OP feels he should dump her, he already said that.
The discussion is about the break in trust, not about whether she cheated (which she did cheat emotionally). And yes people should talk out boundaries BEFORE going around looking for dic pics such as in the OP, the OP does not have to be the one to say "that's not okay" the burden lies on the one who wants to "experiment" to come out and communicate like an adult about their feelings.
AllIsOneIsNone
Banned
The angel on my shoulder tells me to confront her about it in a logical manner and go from there. The devil on my shoulder tells me to put Nair in her shampoo. You should probably do the former, but I wouldn't blame you for doing the latter.
Either way, that sucks OP. I'd like to say I completely trust my girlfriend when it comes to this stuff, but it's not easy.
Either way, that sucks OP. I'd like to say I completely trust my girlfriend when it comes to this stuff, but it's not easy.
Someone who is worth it, to be blunt, would not cheat on him. It's pretty simple. She's not worth it.
That's bad advice, you can try working it out but you'll have it in the back of the head of you can truly trust that person again.
diablos991
Can’t stump the diablos
You're going to get cheated on again. This time she will be more careful about it though.
I think people misunderstand 'open' relationships. It doesn't mean 'anything goes'. It means you painstakingly figure out what your boundaries are and what you are comfortable with. It's requires a lot of communication and dealing with rather uncomfortable emotions head on. If you are not in an open relationship and have agreed that you wont have sexual contact with other persons (physical or otherwise) but do, that's unacceptable. To call blindly accepting a break of trust 'the open argument' is completely inappropriate and dismissive of open relationships.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
hahahahaha
Always-honest
Banned
That's a good idea
Frozenprince
Banned
Pure and simple if you wanna cruise for dick you need to set up that boundary with your partner first, establish rules within those boundaries assuming your partner is okay with it, if he/she isn't then you need to establish other boundaries to give you what you'd trawl for dick would or go your separate ways. Then once you've established those boundaries, you also need to be clear to the other party as well that this is the situation.
Just going behind someones back without talking about it or communicating or setting boundaries is cheating, and not okay.
I say this as someone who's done the cheating.
Just going behind someones back without talking about it or communicating or setting boundaries is cheating, and not okay.
I say this as someone who's done the cheating.
It is, but I'm sure I'm not the first to request it.
FunkyPajamas
Member
There's no person in the world I would care enough for to try this Lie To Me stuff. Honestly. If I have to "watch for signs"... man, it's not worth it. This is my opinion, obviously.
Either there's 100% absolute trust or there is nothing. Once trust is broken (by real issues, not insane jealousy/paranoia), it's bye bye time.
Don't listen to the nutty people, man. I mean if someone is comfortable with open relationships and such, that's on them, but there's no need to pretend that the shit your girlfriend pulled is at all ok with the majority of people.
Cheating is despicable act. Its tantamount to emotional abuse of the highest degree especially if that relationship has been going on for a couple of years. It deprives you of the time you spent and scars you.
I'm sorry to all of you who have experienced this, I would not wish it on the worst enemy.
I'm sorry to all of you who have experienced this, I would not wish it on the worst enemy.
Pinko Marx
Banned
Seriously. If you're in the position where you need to pull the "look me in the eyes and tell me" maneuver, something is already fucked.
starchild excalibur
Member
I feel like you're one post away from doing the cliché "Let me post a dictionary definition to invalidate the emotional weight of what everyone's discussing here."
You may not consider sexting and dick pics cheating, but OP does. And many other people do. And you arguing semantically that it's not does nothing to invalidate their perceptions of the matter. Let it go.
D
Deleted member 752119
Unconfirmed Member
Every situation is different. Not everyone who cheats is a piece of shit who's going to do it again. Sometimes it was just relationships that got neglected by both people and things deteriorated to that point. Sometimes those can be repaired, trust rebuilt and no future cheating issues emerge and the problems were addressed and the relationship made healthy. Sometimes things are too far gone and can't be repaired. Every person, relationship and situations is different.
TheChewyWaffles
Member
Dick move by your GF, OP
They've been together for 4 years. Unless OP just wanted to be rid of her before this all happened, he at least owes her a chance to defend herself. The people saying "PACK IT UP LOL" have clearly never been in a long term relationship.
This does look pretty sus though, OP. I would definitely ask her if she's happy in the relationship, she clearly wants something more, but the reasoning behind that could mean that's something you could provide.
If she straight up isn't feeling it anymore, you should wash your hands of the whole situation and hit the gym. If she just wants a little spice in the relationship, you might want to have that discussion before just throwing it all away. (Like I said, unless you were already done with it and just looking for a reason to end it all)
Either way, stay strong breh. There's plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find someone better for you in the long run if you decide to go that route. I feel for you man
This does look pretty sus though, OP. I would definitely ask her if she's happy in the relationship, she clearly wants something more, but the reasoning behind that could mean that's something you could provide.
If she straight up isn't feeling it anymore, you should wash your hands of the whole situation and hit the gym. If she just wants a little spice in the relationship, you might want to have that discussion before just throwing it all away. (Like I said, unless you were already done with it and just looking for a reason to end it all)
Either way, stay strong breh. There's plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find someone better for you in the long run if you decide to go that route. I feel for you man
Hippo_PRIME
Member
I'm all for honest polyamorous and open relationships, but I keep seeing people post sentiments like this and I'm not sure why people don't get why the OP is upset.
One, he's already explained such an arrangement isn't for him. I have to believe (knowing the little I do) that OP has done the self-reflection necessary to act in his best interests. Assuming he's honest with himself, he's made a valid conclusion.
Two, even in open and polyamorous relationships, trust is paramount. If you make an arrangement and a partner violated that arrangement, trust is still broken and the relationship is likely to end. OP's girlfriend has certainly been dishonest with him through a lie of omission and if she wanted an open relationship, the responsibility is on her to honestly and genuinely represent her wants and feelings, not to violate the implicit or explicit relationship agreement with OP.
It's one thing to advocate for open minds in regards to open relationships and polyamory. It's another thing to use that platform to diminish the OP's situation and make him feel somehow at fault for this crap he's dealing with.
Maybe those people have been in long-term relationships and dint want the OP to waste his time with someone who doesn't deserve them?
LUFTRAUSER
Banned
Cabbagehead
Member
No actually people who go through with cheating are pieces of shit. They should own that first. An then something can either be discussed or not be discussed after. Because if the answer is to cheat to bring forth relationship issues and then all of a sudden it's okay to have honest conversations, then the foundation was already stuck in fantasy land for too long and was never really real. We're not clueless bystanders to are actions, people that do this stuff know exactly what they are doing is 2 ring but do it anyway and some try to be even more secretive with it like it's a game.
If being neglected and feel like cheating just break up. Is it that hard for people to not grasp that it's still not cool even when in a relationship they don't want to be in to use that other person while cheating?
MisterR
Member
He's clearly not interested in this shit. So why do you feel the need to keep pushing it?
Baleoce
Member
Thinking about the larger implications, it would probably lead to more people making duplicate threads when certain bigger topics come up like news and whatnot. And in the cases of threads like that, the OP's visibility is no more or less relevant than anyone elses. That, and those threads tend to get merged anyway.
If on the other hand there was a way to tag threads in one of a few key categories. For example this one I guess would be something like 'personal', then it'd make sense for the OP to have more visibility in a thread like this. Would probably work for things like LTTP threads as well.
I understand that. But everyone's situation is different. While this seems like an open and shut case, there could be more to it than we know. Especially with the lease agreement and if they have any pets etc. If he cuts it off, more power to him, he just needs to have all of his ducks in a row first.
You're pretty much saying to give the cheater all the power in the relationship and put the ball in their court. You're essentially asking for them to take you back after they've been unfaithful. It's good it worked out for you, but this is the worst advice you can give someone.
I was using my gf's phone the other day and came across a dating website log in screen. I asked her about it and told me she was getting emails that she was still active on it from years ago. She even showed me the emails too.
The situation looks bad, but why not talk to her about it and just see what happens?
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