Straight Edge
Member
When does the GF get home from work?
So I just went on my girlfriends ipad....
- Thread starter OCD Guy
- Start date
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He said soon not too long ago so they may be talking this out as we speak.
Still OP, hearing her out might give you some insight about how women perceive you in a relationship, and even be a opportunity to find your flaws and work on what can be improved in a different relationship, because you sure as hell ain't staying in this one. Maybe that's the one "positive" thing that'd come from talking to her about this whole thing.
killamajig
Member
DUMP HER!!!
This is coming from someone that is 46, had a few long term relationships and a marriage. I even let one of them stay friends with her ex because she told me I could trust her 100%.
Spoiler.... she cheated on me with him.
Oh you fucked let her be friends with someone... How magnanimous of you giving your seal of approval to her friendships
FaintDeftone
Junior Member
I would totally give her the opportunity to explain herself, but honestly I don't blame you for wanting to peace out regardless.
Iorv3th
Member
How often have you chatted with hot women sexually and asked to see naked pictures of them while you were in a relationship? Just because they were hot and you wanted to see them naked?
Sounds like bullshit to me.
Sorry brother but you should end it, even if she comes up saying it was just for 'fun' or she was 'messing around' the distrust that this will create in your relationship will eat you alive in the future, it will start just from simply wondering what she's doing whenever you see her on the phone to wondering what's happening when she goes out, etc.
It's best to end it right now, just remember to be calm at all times, sure a little anger is understandable but just try to not go in too deep into drama territory. Also try not to think too much about the whole thing (like wondering what will happen if you break up with her, etc).
That's some bullshit that can definitely break a relationship and no man or woman should have to put up with that shit, make your stand and end it, unless you really believe you can forgive her and leave this behind you.
It's best to end it right now, just remember to be calm at all times, sure a little anger is understandable but just try to not go in too deep into drama territory. Also try not to think too much about the whole thing (like wondering what will happen if you break up with her, etc).
That's some bullshit that can definitely break a relationship and no man or woman should have to put up with that shit, make your stand and end it, unless you really believe you can forgive her and leave this behind you.
True, OP shouldn't just move on without a decent plan. While still sticking to his guns for what will work for them.
Sure, that's a fine point. Though that situation seems a bit different and less direct.
Cabbagehead
Member
Damn son
With regards to the lease, you'll need to check the lease agreement for the notice period, and then write and sign (can scan and email once signed) and send the notice to your agency. With the deposit, only once the whole lease is up, and it will be returned to whoever made the initial payment. Overall it's pretty painless except for the deposit bit, and unless you work it out with her you're still liable for rent until your notice is up. Shitty situation overall tho, good luck dude.
andthebeatgoeson
Junior Member
Op asked so I'll give it a try to find a situation where this is 'okay'.
It's not okay, sounds like a break in trust, major. I would say it's an emotional affair. Maybe not extensive but emotional affairs start small. But I'm worried that you have packed her bags and ended the relationship before even hearing her side. You've been with her for 4 years but didn't mention any of your long term goals with her. Talked about marriage, plans for marriage, expectations, etc. That's from both sides, hers and yours.
No matter what, over 4 years, you've built a relationship so strong you are ready to move on within hours? I'm probably missing something. Don't take this as an attack on you.
OK. Some people have deal breakers and I understand that. Somewhat agree with it. But my main point is that no one wakes up and decides to be a great person in a great relationship. You have to work at it. It's easy in the beginning but you are still actively deciding to work on a relationship. It doesn't change over time, in regards to work. That work becomes harder but you still put in work.
I would be lying if i told you i never doubted my wife's faithfulness over 10 years. It's bound to happen. And, with time, effort, explanation, what my mind initially thought, has changed with more information. What was a long dinner with a female friend, I initially thought was her out on the town with God knows who.
I don't think anyone goes thru a good relationship without doubting their spouse/lover on some level. I don't have a situation that will make this feel good for you. Sounds like she cheated. But take a moment to slow down and get a chance to practice, if only for the next great person you'll meet.
What if you waited to hear her out? Listen to her? Her tears or indifference? Told her how much you hate this situation? Make yourself vulnerable? Cried? Gave her a second chance? Forgave her? Get screwed over again? Or gain her attention due to your loving heart?
If you ever want a long term relationship, you, at the very least, need to learn how to forgive. Not necessarily for cheating but learn how to forgive. Even for a moment. That shit is hard. One of the toughest things I've ever done. Forgiven people for things they did or i thought they did.
I would suggest hearing her out. That's forgiveness for the next 24 hours. Then deciding if you can extend it. You can always decided to end it. But it'll stretch you. Take you to a place you don't think you can go to.
What do you have to lose? You can always change your mind. Your going to lose a shitty relationship? You'll still get a chance to move on if she laughs in your face, decides she doesn't want to be with you or whatever. She can come up with any number of reasons: say she's been waiting on you to propose. It doesn't matter. No matter the reason, if you sit down and try and problem solve, you might find a way forward.
I say all this shit because you asked. After three kids, I've learned that forgiveness is vital to any relationship that's worth anything. And you don't wake up and push a button. You have to work at it. Shitty parents can come from the lack of forgiveness. Hell, any shitty relationship.
But just to let you know, my initial reaction was for you to leave. But that's the easy way out. A lot of people will tell you to run. That's because they are afraid to get hurt. Fuck that. A good relationship will hurt you from time to time.
It's not okay, sounds like a break in trust, major. I would say it's an emotional affair. Maybe not extensive but emotional affairs start small. But I'm worried that you have packed her bags and ended the relationship before even hearing her side. You've been with her for 4 years but didn't mention any of your long term goals with her. Talked about marriage, plans for marriage, expectations, etc. That's from both sides, hers and yours.
No matter what, over 4 years, you've built a relationship so strong you are ready to move on within hours? I'm probably missing something. Don't take this as an attack on you.
OK. Some people have deal breakers and I understand that. Somewhat agree with it. But my main point is that no one wakes up and decides to be a great person in a great relationship. You have to work at it. It's easy in the beginning but you are still actively deciding to work on a relationship. It doesn't change over time, in regards to work. That work becomes harder but you still put in work.
I would be lying if i told you i never doubted my wife's faithfulness over 10 years. It's bound to happen. And, with time, effort, explanation, what my mind initially thought, has changed with more information. What was a long dinner with a female friend, I initially thought was her out on the town with God knows who.
I don't think anyone goes thru a good relationship without doubting their spouse/lover on some level. I don't have a situation that will make this feel good for you. Sounds like she cheated. But take a moment to slow down and get a chance to practice, if only for the next great person you'll meet.
What if you waited to hear her out? Listen to her? Her tears or indifference? Told her how much you hate this situation? Make yourself vulnerable? Cried? Gave her a second chance? Forgave her? Get screwed over again? Or gain her attention due to your loving heart?
If you ever want a long term relationship, you, at the very least, need to learn how to forgive. Not necessarily for cheating but learn how to forgive. Even for a moment. That shit is hard. One of the toughest things I've ever done. Forgiven people for things they did or i thought they did.
I would suggest hearing her out. That's forgiveness for the next 24 hours. Then deciding if you can extend it. You can always decided to end it. But it'll stretch you. Take you to a place you don't think you can go to.
What do you have to lose? You can always change your mind. Your going to lose a shitty relationship? You'll still get a chance to move on if she laughs in your face, decides she doesn't want to be with you or whatever. She can come up with any number of reasons: say she's been waiting on you to propose. It doesn't matter. No matter the reason, if you sit down and try and problem solve, you might find a way forward.
I say all this shit because you asked. After three kids, I've learned that forgiveness is vital to any relationship that's worth anything. And you don't wake up and push a button. You have to work at it. Shitty parents can come from the lack of forgiveness. Hell, any shitty relationship.
But just to let you know, my initial reaction was for you to leave. But that's the easy way out. A lot of people will tell you to run. That's because they are afraid to get hurt. Fuck that. A good relationship will hurt you from time to time.
Correct, I apologize to everyone I argued with and OP for shitting up your post.
OP feels it's cheating, so it's cheating. OP, you do what you feel is best. If you can't trust her again, then you can't trust her again. Sorry about that. Give yourself some time before you jump into another relationship and do what you can to try not to project this shitty experience onto others in the future.
Lashley
Why does he wear the mask!?
"He sent me the pic and I commented on it because I want one of my own"
Situation isn't at all the same to OP's, but you know that
I'm not sure it's a 'poly' comment per se. But I see what you're saying - that in particular does come off as a jab. However, I do feel like there is something to be said about the expectations of how to deal with a violation of trust (as evidenced by the OP-GF-hate bandwagon).
TBH I'm not sure how you move on after a violation like that. But I know it's possible, at least anecdotally. My father cheated on my mom when I was younger. They had a complete reconstruction of their marriage and managed to pull out of a nose dive (it's been 10 years since then and they're very happy). So I guess it's possible but BOTH people have to be committed, and things definitely have to change to earn trust back. Maybe the OP could have conditions in moving forward like access to her texts/e-mails for a while. I'm not sure that's the answer but perhaps there are practical things that can be done to take some strides towards rebuilding trust.
BibiMaghoo
Member
Fuck man. I would want an explanation and would react based on that. Regardless, it isn't good. You just need to find out if it's something you can work through, if you feel it's worth it. If not, then better to know sooner than later.
She walked through the door about 15 minutes ago.
I've said nothing at all, aside from that I had a headache and was taking a nap (which is why I missed her calls).
I'm not going to say anything at this stage, the fact I'm "unwell" will also explain why I'm going to be offish tonight.
It's really hot here for England at nearly 30 degrees celcius at this time of the day as well, and I feel pissed off, hot and bothered etc and I just don't have it in me now to bring it up as it will turn into an argument.
I've read a few of the pages and notice some people mention trying to talk it out, it's not that bad, there might be a good explanation etc, but the lines been crossed for me and that's the only thing that matters.
If other people have different thresholds for what is considered unforgiveable then that's their prerogative. My trust has gone, I'd never be able to get it out of the back of my mind if she was having similar conversations.
Infact if I see her on the phone or ipad later I'll be asking myself the same questions. I don't want to put myself through that.
Me wanting to end things isn't a reflection that I don't care about someone I've been with for 4 years, infact if I didn't care I'd be absolutely fine with what she done, and wouldn't be hurt at all.
So anywayI'm keeping quiet, and will be on the net, and playing ps4 later as usual once I feel "better" as I'm not well at the minute remember.
It's not a black or white matter. People make mistakes. If my girlfriend cheated on me, i would try to know what happened first before making judgements. It might be something she Did in the heat of the moment and she fells bad about it. It might be something that she deliberate did. The only way of knowing is talking about it.
In the OP case, i would talk, but i wouldn't try to work things out. She lied, deliberately did things by his back and doesn't look like she felt guilty at all. That's not a relationship worth saving to me.
At this stage I don't want to bring it up. I'd rather wait a bit and think about what I want to say. If I talk now my emotions will take over, we'll argue and I won't feel any better.
I also want to know exactly where I stand with the rent etc here. Once I find out tomorrow I'll know where I am, I'd have slept on it, and then be in a better position with a fresh mind to say what i need to say, and ask any questions that I might want the answers to. Although I'm not expecting to get them.
killamajig
Member
To be fair it wasn't some guy she just dated for awhile. It was a guy she lived with for years
So yeah, I'm the jerk..??.
Whatever, I'm just saying it's not only young people that don't understand how "adult" relationships work.
Lashley
Why does he wear the mask!?
So, you're just going to leave her tomorrow or something?
I'm not sure what your plan is here, best of luck anyway
ghostwritingduck
Member
I'm sorry if this was answered elsewhere, but did she request the pic? Lots of guys are really aggressive, and I wouldn't blame someone for not knowing how to respond. It's a different story if she was actively encouraging the behavior.
BronsonLee
Member
OP gonna sneak out in the middle of the night like he's the BFG
Dr. Benton Quest
Banned
I've been through a similar situation OP. It's in your mind now and it's all you'll think about for a while. It makes minutes seem like an eternity.
I'm not sure how you'll be able to keep a lid on it until tomorrow. I'm sure you're filled with anger and sadness too. It may be best to have it out now and then stay in a hotel if you have the funds. Maybe crash at a friends.
Ah. The million dollar question.
Good on you. You're doing incredibly well. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, mate.
diablos991
Can’t stump the diablos
The OP addressed it when he said he found the dick pic and the conversation that wasn't so innocent.
If it was an unsolicited dick pic the GF should have self disclosed.
The thing is I don't want to draw any attention, if I go somewhere for the night randomly it will look odd, as I don't tend to do that.
I'm also offish obviously and don't want her near me so I've said I'm ill so if I'm snappy she'll just think it's that.
I'd bet the reason she's calling is she realized what was on the ipad and that she just left it out. She's probably already worried that you found it.
The only thing I would say is that whenever I've had to break up with someone for cheating, I always felt better about it later if I handled it maturely and calmly. No matter how angry I was or how much I wanted to rage at them, call them names, burn their clothes, etc, I was always glad later when I didn't do any of those things.
And do your best not to wonder what else she's done, who she's talked to, if she's fucked someone, etc, it won't do any good except upset you and make you angry. It's like hitting yourself in the head with a bat. Do your best to move on and not think about it.
Good luck man
The only thing I would say is that whenever I've had to break up with someone for cheating, I always felt better about it later if I handled it maturely and calmly. No matter how angry I was or how much I wanted to rage at them, call them names, burn their clothes, etc, I was always glad later when I didn't do any of those things.
And do your best not to wonder what else she's done, who she's talked to, if she's fucked someone, etc, it won't do any good except upset you and make you angry. It's like hitting yourself in the head with a bat. Do your best to move on and not think about it.
Good luck man
GreatestHits
Member
So, she's explosive, or at least defensive? I was with a girl like this for 4 years. Got her pregnant m8. Plan your escape well..
Spoiled Milk
Banned
In that case, fuck it, OP. Let GAF help you make the greatest revenge gift the world has ever seen. Print a pic of his dick onto a card, and then give her a cake that says "We're through". Make sure the cake is her favorite flavor, too.
killamajig
Member
If you can go without talking to her today that might be a good idea. As soon as you start talking about this stuff it can really take over and get heated.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Do we really need to see the comment, "Anyone who breaks up with a cheater no questions asked hasn't been in a real relationship before!" in every relationship thread ever? It's condescending and it makes you look like a chump when you beat your chest over it.
MisterR
Member
I wouldn't sneak around all night avoiding it and hurting. Get that shit over with. Pull it off like a bandage.
GreatestHits
Member
You don't understand... OP has been very vague about well, everything. My nose tells me we got a BPD chick here, or some other notable threat
Lashley
Why does he wear the mask!?
She complimented it iirc according to OP
I don't know what this means, but it made me laugh.
Cabbagehead
Member
Oh you're fine with it? what's your gf whatapp send me the details.
Totally nothing wrong with it right? maybe the dickpic will change the mindset a little, once that flirtyness continues. At 1am into the night.
You should definitely discuss it calmly ... not to have you mind changed at all but just for some closure and maybe to learn what went wrong so you can try to avoid it happening again in the future if possible.
Just walking out and leaving it behind can leave a thousand questions swirling in your brain which can be pretty destructive for an OCD person (or maybe I'm just projecting).
Just walking out and leaving it behind can leave a thousand questions swirling in your brain which can be pretty destructive for an OCD person (or maybe I'm just projecting).
BPD?
Women can figure shit out way faster than us OP. If you're gonna wait until you bring it out I understand that but just know that the longer you wait the more time she has to come up with a fantastic excuse as to why she did it (assuming she doesn't have one already).
Just remember to not fall for anything she says. My advice would be to bring it up as soon as possible but if you want more time to prepare for the outcome that's fine too.
Just remember to not fall for anything she says. My advice would be to bring it up as soon as possible but if you want more time to prepare for the outcome that's fine too.
GreatestHits
Member
I'm projecting my own situation, and being extremist. But yes, Borderline peronality disorder. Or bipolar, or some other "notable threat". Of course I'm going on nothing.
Pancake Mix
Copied someone else's pancake recipe
Blast "I Disappear" by Metallica on her iPad as you walk out the door early tomorrow. She will know.
No you see BamfMeat has spoken. He gets to decide what constitutes cheating for all relationships.
Yeah I feel like she'll realize he's acting weird and somehow use it against him.
He apologized and conceded. Leave him alone.
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