So I just went on my girlfriends ipad....

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Whatever you do, don't fall for the old "hug = naked" trick.

I coined this phrase, for basically when your partner knows you are going to break it off, and tries to finagle one last in person discussion or meeting on their terms. This is typically when they try to seduce you in an effort to keep you around, of course also on their terms.

If it has happened to you, then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. One minute you are having a mature discussion, then next thing you know you are having sex, thinking to yourself, "I've made a huge mistake". Be warned
 
Would it be feasible to confront and still pack and leave tonight? Letting it drag out another day sounds difficult, but also understandable.
 
Dude you need to bring this up ASAP. The longer you hold off the more she will think her actions are okay. I don't want to be an ass in saying this but she's probably going back to the iPad tonight and continuing her shit. You need to bring this up to her and let her know that her actions are not okay. And if she argues and tries to justify her actions then fuck her, that's when you know it's time to move on. Situations like this, it's always sooner rather than later.
 
OCD Guy said:
To try and put a bit of context, there is no talking with her.

So what tends to happen is I say nothing at all, in the past I might have but what would start off as a trivial thing would then blow up over nothing.

To give an example it's like being in the car and an idiot cuts you up, you can bang your horn, wave your hands, swear at him, and they could react, things could escalate, and all for what?

But if you just leave them to it, get on with the drive you feel calmer, and less stressed. That's how I've been living through this relationship
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sounds like a bad way to be in a relationship

I mean I get where you are coming from but it seems frustrating to have a relationship like that where you feel you are just forced to keep it in.
 
CraigerGamer said:
Hey OP, what did you do with the ipad? Did you leave the whatssapp conversation up? Will she use her ipad and realize you have seen the whole thing? I mean, the ipad isn't in the place she left it and if the pictures are still there when she puts in the passcode, she's going to realize pretty quickly what is going on.
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Opens it up, proceeds to delete the conversation chain and act like OP is crazy when he brings it up tomorrow...

Edit: covered.

OCD Guy said:
No I closed the page. Not before I took screenshots and emailed them to me (and deleted the emails from her sent folder) Being her ipad I sent the emails from her icloud to my gmail.
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Get a suitcase, put a couple articles of clothing in it, make the dick pic the ipad wallpaper and put both by the door, when she comes home say "Sleep somewhere else for a few days". Listen to what she has to say, then no contact for life.
 
OCD Guy said:
To try and put a bit of context, there is no talking with her.

So what tends to happen is I say nothing at all, in the past I might have but what would start off as a trivial thing would then blow up over nothing.

To give an example it's like being in the car and an idiot cuts you up, you can bang your horn, wave your hands, swear at him, and they could react, things could escalate, and all for what?

But if you just leave them to it, get on with the drive you feel calmer, and less stressed. That's how I've been living through this relationship
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So things have been shitty for some time? How long is left on your lease?
 
I hope you left it open so that when she unlocks it again she will wonder if you saw it.

At least then you'll know she will be paranoid.
 
OCD Guy said:
I'm done, and me just leaving without even trying to work things out will hurt her much more than me getting into an argument showing how bothered I am.
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kevin1025 said:
I hope you left it open so that when she unlocks it again she will wonder if you saw it.

At least then you'll know she will be paranoid.
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Left it open on the D or just left it alone without any evidence he had used it?
 
FallingEdge said:
To each their own but I think just up and walking out without saying anything is the wrong move to make. Even if the end game is the same, better to talk it out.
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Yeah same even more so with this one wind fall scenario. I need to understand because it may or may not be what it seems. But it does not mean that everything will be a okay. Since she or he didn't think it was better to air it out and then hide it.
 
OCD Guy said:
The reason I'm not leaving now is because it will look odd, I don't ever just stay out, especially without notice.

I also don't want to come back, once I'm gone that's it. I've also got a lot of stuff here, things like my oled tv, gaming pc, I've bought most of the furniture etc. I'm not leaving that stuff here.

Plus if I left after an argument she's the type that would destroy my stuff to get back at me.

I also can't suddenly grab a 55" oled without her asking questions, which will then cause cause an argument which I'm trying to avoid for now.
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The girl I'm referring to slammed my Gibson Les Paul into the concrete ground when I told her I was leaving. I stayed. You're dealing with someone with mental issues, so just plan your escape well and enjoy the peace.

Everyone knows not to argue with her. She's crazy and gets a pass from God himself if he chooses to even acknowledge her tantrum. This is the best thing that could hapoen to you. Something to cause you to swiftly move out of this situation and start getting real with yourself.
 
LegendofDragoonLives said:
You never had violent thoughts Mother Teresa? The crazy ones are the ones who act on them.
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I have not considered throwing my electronic devices at anyone, up to including my significant other, no. But it isn't really about me, it's about OCD venting to a forum about how he's strategizing maximum emotional pain on someone who hurt him. Obviously he's angry, but I don't think his current plan of action is healthy going forward.

Just trying to help the brother.
 
OCD Guy said:
The thing is I don't want any answers.

There was a guy posting earlier today that I should hear her out and an explanation could change my mind.

There's nothing she could say that would make think ok, let's work it out.

I know I'm burying my head in the sand, but spending the rest of the night arguing isn't going to make me feel better.
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I hear you OP. Even if she somehow convinces you tonight, it'll keep popping up in your head, and make things even worse in the long run. If that's how you feel, making a clean break now is the best outcome imho.

Pack your stuff asap, set an appointment with a mover if you can't fit everything in your car, and break up as soon as she comes back home. Try to keep it cool.
 
I really don't know what I'd do in a similar situation. I'm as pacifist as you can get but boy would my anger boil up. I'd hope I'd be able to control it but then again you never know. Not advocating violence or anything but you have to be wary. You can lose control. Similar crimes of passions cases report that the quite guy usually represses things till it reaches dangerous levels.

You really should get it all out in the open and confront. Don't hold it back further, it will only make you feel worse.
 
Trey said:
I have not considered throwing my electronic devices at anyone, up to including my significant other, no. But it isn't really about me, it's about OCD venting to a forum about how he's strategizing maximum emotional pain on someone who hurt him. Obviously he's angry, but I don't think his current plan of action is healthy going forward.

Just trying to help the brother.
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Good for you. But you're not helping.
 
FlashbladeGAF said:
giphy.gif




Left it open on the D or just left it alone without any evidence he had used it?
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I'd leave it open on the D, at least so when the screen lock is unlocked it opens on it, so then she will be losing her shit all evening wondering if either she left it that way and he saw it, or had been that careless and possibly dodged a bullet.
 
OCD Guy said:
That's more the approach I'm thinking.

Once I get my ammo tomorrow and know what I can do to minimise inconvinience to myself I just want to leave, hit her with what I know and tell her to never contact me again.

I'm not a forgiving person, a lot of that has to do with my past, bad experiences tend to shape you (even though you shouldn't let them).

I'm also not an agressive type, I don't tend to argue with people. But I'm the type that when I do lose it, I go overboard and most people are shocked due to my generally laid back passive behaviour.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to grab the ipad and throw it at her head and then get into an argument and confront her but I know my end goal here.

I'm done, and me just leaving without even trying to work things out will hurt her much more than me getting into an argument showing how bothered I am.
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Don't mean any offense, but it kind of sounds like you've been planning for this scenario.

Like, if she had just come up and said she wanted to break up, would have been like "Cool, I'll move out tomorrow." or would you have talked about it?
 
Trey said:
I have not considered throwing my electronic devices at anyone, up to including my significant other, no. But it isn't really about me, it's about OCD venting to a forum about how he's strategizing maximum emotional pain on someone who hurt him. Obviously he's angry, but I don't think his current plan of action is healthy going forward.

Just trying to help the brother.
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You are trying to help OP by calling him names? Strange.

At OP, you have a plan and I respect that. Take off work tomorrow, get some help to move your stuff and make sure your things are safe. I hope you get your lease situation figured out and sorry for your pain.
 
Trey said:
I have not considered throwing my electronic devices at anyone, up to including my significant other, no. But it isn't really about me, it's about OCD venting to a forum about how he's strategizing maximum emotional pain on someone who hurt him. Obviously he's angry, but I don't think his current plan of action is healthy going forward.

Just trying to help the brother.
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It was honestly an off the cuff remark. The reason the ipad was mentioned was because that's what I found out on.

It would be different if I said I wanted to grab a knife for example. Saying something like that is not really appropriate and wouldn't even cross my mind.
 
butzopower said:
Don't mean any offense, but it kind of sounds like you've been planning for this scenario.

Like, if she had just come up and said she wanted to break up, would have been like "Cool, I'll move out tomorrow." or would you have talked about it?
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He did, the moment he saw the iPad.

Look he got the upperhand the moment he discovered the sex convo, he is now trying to be clever about it.
 
Trey said:
I have not considered throwing my electronic devices at anyone, up to including my significant other, no. But it isn't really about me, it's about OCD venting to a forum about how he's strategizing maximum emotional pain on someone who hurt him. Obviously he's angry, but I don't think his current plan of action is healthy going forward.

Just trying to help the brother.
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You sound ridiculously overdramatic with awful social skills. Someone getting angry and having angry thoughts is fine if he has no real urge to act on them. If he didn't have angry thoughts at this point, it would be suspicious. If you want to make it out more than you need to, go ahead.
 
OCD Guy said:
Plus if I left after an argument she's the type that would destroy my stuff to get back at me.

I also can't suddenly grab a 55" oled without her asking questions, which will then cause cause an argument which I'm trying to avoid for now.
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Okay now that's starting to make sense.
All of GAF that tried to talk you into a serious conversation didn't know that she might be a ticking bomb.

So your cautious way of getting out of the relationship appears to be the safest move, I'll give you that.
 
butzopower said:
Don't mean any offense, but it kind of sounds like you've been planning for this scenario.

Like, if she had just come up and said she wanted to break up, would have been like "Cool, I'll move out tomorrow." or would you have talked about it?
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If I'm honest I'll probably miss being in a relationship more than being with her.
 
Well, OP, good luck masking that anger while you patiently search for any loopholes in your rental agreement, secure a new place to stay, transport, and pack up all of your stuff. I honestly hope that if your strategy is to spring this on her, you can comport yourself for however long that process will take.
 
OCD Guy said:
The reason I'm not leaving now is because it will look odd, I don't ever just stay out, especially without notice.

I also don't want to come back, once I'm gone that's it. I've also got a lot of stuff here, things like my oled tv, gaming pc, I've bought most of the furniture etc. I'm not leaving that stuff here.

Plus if I left after an argument she's the type that would destroy my stuff to get back at me.

I also can't suddenly grab a 55" oled without her asking questions, which will then cause cause an argument which I'm trying to avoid for now.
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Bro you should have started with this instead and then went in with the finale straw. You kind of made it seem like you're relationship was all peaches for relatively 4 years but it's seems like a pairing of fire and ice between you too per you're description. More like being tolerant of each other is the full picture and maybe real feelings were there at the 3 year mark and then...
 
I can't even imagine how hard it is to even bring it up OP, take your time.

Realize though that you deserve better and this girl doesn't respect you or the relationship you have. You can't bury and ignore this. The band-aid has to come off sometime.

I think most sane people here realize you don't actually mean to get violent. Seeing you struggle to even get to the point of confrontation shows that you aren't like that. Just don't find yourself emotionally caged in a broken relationship because you can't seem to bring it up.

Best of luck man. It'll hurt, but you will come out stronger in the end.
 
levious said:
Good for you. But you're not helping.
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He seems like a reasonable person because he understands that this thread is only getting his version of the situation. And that he is emotionally distraught which is fueling his current thinking. So pointing out that his reasoning for his plan sounds vindictive may or may not impact his judgment, considering many people have already suggested he talk it out with his girl for closure.

Move on, fine, but setting things up so she is "hurt more" ain't my idea of healthy.

Just advice though, he's the one that gotta walk in those shoes.

OCD Guy said:
It was honestly an off the cuff remark. The reason the ipad was mentioned was because that's what I found out on.

It would be different if I said I wanted to grab a knife for example. Saying something like that is not really appropriate and wouldn't even cross my mind.
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Nah I get that. I'm more speaking of the rationalization of your course of action being to "hurt her more" as being preferable than confronting her about it like some in this thread are suggesting.
 
Art Teitlebaum said:
Okay now that's starting to make sense.
All of GAF that tried to talk you into a serious conversation didn't know that she might be a ticking bomb.

So your cautious way of getting out of the relationship appears to be the safest move, I'll give you that.
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Yeah, the 55' OLED is a priority, you don't want that shit smashed.
 
OCD Guy said:
I'm also not an agressive type, I don't tend to argue with people. But I'm the type that when I do lose it, I go overboard and most people are shocked due to my generally laid back passive behaviour.
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I'm pretty similar as well and it's a major issue for me. If you have the means I recommend seeing a therapist to discuss this. I understand that you don't want to make it worse for you before you set everything up regarding the lease but if you're like this in general, it's a problem. One needs to confront some issues thet bother you and don't let them bottle up, which leads to some routine passive aggressiveness.
 
When she leaves early in the day and is planned to return in the evening, rent a uhaul van and pack your shit with a friend of yours. Leave a concise message explaining why you left and don't turn back. Spare yourself the promises and lies from letting her explain herself. If you really believe there's a future there for some unspoken reason, be prepared to deal with this again because loose morals are not easily changed.
 
krang said:
This is a good post.

I have an ex girlfriend with whom our relationship ended badly (not quite OP badly...). It's been years and I am still gutted about it - not the 'ex' part, but the fact that we separated so decisively that she was basically completely out of my life forever. I will always miss her friendship.
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On the flip side I'm trying to be friends with someone who cheated on me after a 3 year relationship and it's still tearing me apart inside.
Everyone's different but if at all possible i recommend to just rip it off move on and meet new people.
 
Cabbagehead said:
Bro you should have started with this instead and then went in with the finale straw. You kind of made it seem like you're relationship was all peaches for relatively 4 years but it's seems like a pairing of fire and ice between you too per you're description. More like being tolerant of each other is more like it and maybe real feelings were there at the 3 year mark and then...
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It's more that there were no signs at all to make me think she was going behind my back.

In the past there's been a change in behaviour, like an ex who suddenly always put her phone screen down, and took it with her, went out more often etc.

But there's been no change in the relationship, no change in her behaviour. I'd have imagined she'd have been more secretive, certainly closed safari on the ipad.

Maybe it's the fact that our relationship has become a routine, still if she was bored, she should maybe have ended it. I'm thinking if I didn't find out, who's to say in a week she hadn't gone round there had sex and then come home to me like nothing happened and I'd have been kissing her and that after she had another mans dick in her mouth.

I would never be angry at someone that just felt they didn't want to carry on anymore, it might hurt of course, but going behind someone's back in a monogamous relationship is inexcusable for me personally.
 
Hakai said:
Oh...Oh!

And this right here might be the root of everything in this thread.
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Hey man, OPs having a bad day, i'm sure today really let him reflect on all the things. Especially now that he knows what his partner did to him, all kinds of shit could be floating around his head.
 
OP, you are the most rational, level headed poster I've ever seen in the OT when it comes to something like this. I think I would do something similar if I was in your financial/lease situation.
 
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