They were bored.
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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They were bored.
I do it for confidence reasons. I hate waiting on a reply so I'll strike a conversation with someone else in the meantime.
edit: well actually I only stop replying once it bores me. so it's not like I actively try to ghost people.
Yep. I admit I do this on Tinder. I'm not motivated enough to see a conversation through to a meeting most of the time.
Your Entertainer
Member
Anybody else get absolutely killed on Tinder as a non-white male?
I get told I'm extremely attractive in real life, all the time, by acquaintances, friends and strangers of both genders. I've got a sweet job and am in my mid 20s w/ a short and sweet profile. The doctor part is visible under my job part. I swipe right on most any girl that is not morbidly obese. I've gotten three decent matches, the rest were bots and people who were not very attractive at all (and Im not picky) - 30 total in over a week of swiping continuously.
This is ridiculous - have went several days without a match now and it's hurting my confidence lol. The only thing I can think of is that I'm a minority in a not-super-diverse smaller city.
I get told I'm extremely attractive in real life, all the time, by acquaintances, friends and strangers of both genders. I've got a sweet job and am in my mid 20s w/ a short and sweet profile. The doctor part is visible under my job part. I swipe right on most any girl that is not morbidly obese. I've gotten three decent matches, the rest were bots and people who were not very attractive at all (and Im not picky) - 30 total in over a week of swiping continuously.
This is ridiculous - have went several days without a match now and it's hurting my confidence lol. The only thing I can think of is that I'm a minority in a not-super-diverse smaller city.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
It was two questions then I asked her one and silence. 1-2 responses really make someone feel less bored? Figured you at least exchange a couple more of you started it. Not a big deal
ZackieChan
Member
60% of the time, it works every time.
But seriously, if all social situations make someone freeze up, dating isn't the right move. Gotta get comfortable conversing with people without the pressure of a date. Then you get good at dates. Soon your dgaf on your dates and just have a great time. You'll find that THEY are nervous and you are totally cool. It takes time. But you need to get better at improvising and just being a good conversationalist. No cheat sheets. No prepared statements. That's nonsense.
yea...don't blame it on your race.
If I ever do that someone please slap me.
Online dating seems to be fickle. I don't do it so I can't say much.
What about the people/girls calling you attractive irl? I mean, if a girl is outright saying that it's pretty sure a sign of interest. Are they single? Do they have friends?
Anyhoo, I'm guess...you're only swiping on white girls then? Is that just your preference, or there's nothing else where you live?
It seems like grap3fruitman comes in here every once in the while, and the same pattern manifests. Same story, same aggressiveness, same non-listening, same result, same everything.
And for that moment he has 10-15 focused on him. Responding to him. Helping him. Caring for him on a superficial level at least. Until he leaves the thread again
....are we sure that's not what he actually wants?
I don't like to see the sinister in situations, but this has been going forever. It's some next level now.
imo, I say don't respond to him. But I feel like a jerk too.
lol but that ninja phone check seems like a sitcom episode. It really does.
Just get cue cards and a wireless headset. Then send in Tia instead of Tamera because Tia isn't nervous around Marcus, and can make Marcus like Tamera, but then Tia falls for Marcus.
And for that moment he has 10-15 focused on him. Responding to him. Helping him. Caring for him on a superficial level at least. Until he leaves the thread again
....are we sure that's not what he actually wants?
I don't like to see the sinister in situations, but this has been going forever. It's some next level now.
imo, I say don't respond to him. But I feel like a jerk too.
....not enough of a jerk to chance my stance.
it's this guy
lol but that ninja phone check seems like a sitcom episode. It really does.
Just get cue cards and a wireless headset. Then send in Tia instead of Tamera because Tia isn't nervous around Marcus, and can make Marcus like Tamera, but then Tia falls for Marcus.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Thanks, Az. This is a thoughtful and worthwhile reply. The idea of bringing notes and a game plan to a date is just utterly, mind-fuckingly stupid I can't fathom the intent behind it. Remember the (repurposed) adage: no battle plan survives contact with the frenemy.
I won't even say that I'm sorry, because I'm not, but: you're 100% wrong. Dating isn't an audition. It's not about preparation. It's not about ensuring that you have current events about the recent attempted Turkish military coup memorized just to impress someone who interned there last summer. In fact, awkward silences are expected; conversations are meant to pivot and evolve. Sure, if prompted, I do tell the same stories repeatedly, but they're still personal ones, and I have "material" ready for follow-up questions, because, you know, I've lived it...
I don't know who you've met, but, again: they're wrong. Just utterly, unfathomably, completely wrong. What happens when you run out of "material?" And then, shockingly, you've got to rely on yourself? Sure, some conversation skills are learned; that's entirely different from treating a date like a job interview.
I suppose it depends on what your ultimate objective is. But I feel like most people here are within the camp of "maybe find someone to connect with." If that's the case, then instead of pretending to be like an interesting person, the best advice is to, you know, just be an interesting person.
Count Dookkake
Member
My current fwb has the hots for a female friend of mine and announced plans to make a move. I wished her luck and then almost immediately matched with said friend on tinder.
Now fwb is being pouty.
Now fwb is being pouty.
Get em both.
Did we ever get an update on dude with the sister banging the old dude and why it bothered him? I just scrolled through the last page quickly and didn't see.
ZackieChan
Member
Jelly that he isn't getting a car, too
His sister can give him her old one.
Your Entertainer
Member
People of all races have called me attractive. I get approached by random women in bars.
I swipe on everyone not morbidly obese. I guess the issue is with how much there's a disconnect between irl and tinder. It's mind boggling - it's been a while since I've been back on and it seems that the women are getting even more picky. Just going to be busy with work for a little while and don't have the time (and would rather not spend the money) to go out twice a week. Always thought of it as more of a supplement to irl and this confirms it.
So what happens with those bar women?
yeah if online's a supplement to real life and you're attention there, that's something at least.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
I thought this post was going in a different direction...
This is what bothers me most. People are so goddamn scared of being single they'd rather stay in unhappy relationships. It's insane.
Thanks for the advice to this. Normally I'd just move on if a girl doesn't seem 100% interested but the fact that we seemed to really hit me off and were making out and then I got zilch is making me think about this more than I should. I think I'll just ask her out and if she doesn't reply that that oh well...
It seems like grap3fruitman comes in here every once in the while, and the same pattern manifests. Same story, same aggressiveness, same non-listening, same result, same everything.
And for that moment he has 10-15 focused on him. Responding to him. Helping him. Caring for him on a superficial level at least. Until he leaves the thread again
....are we sure that's not what he actually wants?
I don't like to see the sinister in situations, but this has been going forever. It's some next level now.
imo, I say don't respond to him. But I feel like a jerk too.
....not enough of a jerk to chance my stance.
it's this guy
lol but that ninja phone check seems like a sitcom episode. It really does.
Just get cue cards and a wireless headset. Then send in Tia instead of Tamera because Tia isn't nervous around Marcus, and can make Marcus like Tamera, but then Tia falls for Marcus.
Yeah I agree with you on fruitman. He just wants attention. He doesn't seem to act like this on the mental health thread at least (tho I don't check that one too often).
I want to change your Sister Sister reference to a Her Story reference and go "DAMMIT MORY THIS IS A VIDEO GAME FORUM NOT A GIRLY 90S SITCOM FORUM" but it was too much effort.
ErrorMacro
Member
Guys, I need to vent. And I need you to make fun of me, because I fucked up pretty bad.
Last Saturday, I went out with a girl from okcupid. We went for drinks and clicked instantly, had lots of things in common, all that. After a while, we started making out and she suggested that we went to a club so we could spend the night together dancing. We did, and the night was amazing. We danced a lot, made out a lot, had a lot of fun together and overall amazing chemistry, to the point where we were approached by random people at the club saying how cute of a couple we were. I haven't dated much, but she was easily the girl I've had the most chemistry with in my life.
The night goes on like that, and we decide to leave. And then it's when I fuck up. She asked me if I wanted to go somewhere so we could have sex, and I declined it. "Why did you decline it, you dumb fuck?" you ask? My motivations were two: first, insecurity. My body image was pretty fucked up that day, and it did not help that I wasn't expecting sex so I did not take care of myself as I should. The second, was on an emotional level. The last two girls I've dated, we also went very quickly to the intimacy part (one in the first date, the other in the second), and in both cases it ended badly, and in my mind it was because I ended up rushing things to much. I tried explaining this second point to her, but I don't think she accepted it very well. At the moment, she seemed to be ok with that, just a bit confused. But after our date she's been treating me quite coldly through text, and I'm pretty sure she's ghosting me soon.
So, as I said, I fucked up real bad. I'm not swimming in girls either, I'm 26 and she would be the third girl I've ever been intimate with, so it's not like I have a lot of other options. Plus, it's pretty hard to meet someone I have as much chemistry with as her.
So please, make fun of me, make a lot a fun. I need to be made fun of for, so I don't ever repeat this mistake with anyone else. I may be one of the few heterossexual, single guys, who refused sex and ended up fucking up his chances with a very pretty, amazing girl at the same time.
Last Saturday, I went out with a girl from okcupid. We went for drinks and clicked instantly, had lots of things in common, all that. After a while, we started making out and she suggested that we went to a club so we could spend the night together dancing. We did, and the night was amazing. We danced a lot, made out a lot, had a lot of fun together and overall amazing chemistry, to the point where we were approached by random people at the club saying how cute of a couple we were. I haven't dated much, but she was easily the girl I've had the most chemistry with in my life.
The night goes on like that, and we decide to leave. And then it's when I fuck up. She asked me if I wanted to go somewhere so we could have sex, and I declined it. "Why did you decline it, you dumb fuck?" you ask? My motivations were two: first, insecurity. My body image was pretty fucked up that day, and it did not help that I wasn't expecting sex so I did not take care of myself as I should. The second, was on an emotional level. The last two girls I've dated, we also went very quickly to the intimacy part (one in the first date, the other in the second), and in both cases it ended badly, and in my mind it was because I ended up rushing things to much. I tried explaining this second point to her, but I don't think she accepted it very well. At the moment, she seemed to be ok with that, just a bit confused. But after our date she's been treating me quite coldly through text, and I'm pretty sure she's ghosting me soon.
So, as I said, I fucked up real bad. I'm not swimming in girls either, I'm 26 and she would be the third girl I've ever been intimate with, so it's not like I have a lot of other options. Plus, it's pretty hard to meet someone I have as much chemistry with as her.
So please, make fun of me, make a lot a fun. I need to be made fun of for, so I don't ever repeat this mistake with anyone else. I may be one of the few heterossexual, single guys, who refused sex and ended up fucking up his chances with a very pretty, amazing girl at the same time.
n64coder
Member
As the other poster said, it's ok to turn down sex. But you should always be on your best appearance when going on a date so you're ready for the opportunity if it comes up and you're interested.
This is a common non-mistake IMO, when a girl really but really interest me to another level that can became a future serious relation, I'm having a hard time to say yes to first night. But like you she usually they disappear in the fog few days after, but hey don't feel stupid you'll know the next time
.it's the thought that counts
stn
Member
Honestly, I don't think you screwed anything up. The way you described your night its obvious you were thinking long-term with this girl. Its even more obvious since you refused sexy time on the first night. Would things have been any better if you had sex with her and then she disappeared after that? Because its obvious she was looking only for a one-night stand. Chances are you would have just become more attached.
The only thing you did screw up is targeting the wrong person. Girls and guys who want to get to know you won't want to go clubbing with you on the first night. I applaud her for being so blunt and honest, though I personally would have seen that coming the moment I found myself at the club.
ok....I've noticed an issue here, with guys not accepting sex and acting like it's some monstrous huuuge mistake that'll ruin they're lives. It really isn't that big a deal. It was the first effin date. And you were uncomfortable with it at the time. What's wrong with that? Is it society pressure on guys to always say "Yes yes oh please yes yes" to whoever offers? It's kind of pathetic imo.
anyway, If anything, she's probably ghosting you because you tried to explain it in that way. What do you need to explain? She's the one offering. You can just say no, not tonight. And leave it. Heck, it might make her more crazy for you.
But bringing up past relationships and not wanting to get intimate because things burned out, etc, rushing things....blah.
I don't think saying why past relationships failed on a first date is a great idea, but those with more experience can answer.
Though I wasn't there to see how it was said, I think it was the explanation that turned her off, if she is turned off.
I'm not gealous, it's just she has a bad habit with BF. Her first one was a drug dealer who committed armed robbery. Before the current one she had one where the guy would hit her. Now she's dating a 43 year old man. Who knows what could happen next.
ErrorMacro
Member
Thanks for the input guys. I should have seen it coming really, as at some point she did ask me if I had a girlfriend or not and that altough she wasn't looking for a serious relationship at the moment, she was loooking for someone to date casually.
First important lesson. I'm not messing this up again.
Second important lesson. Because I lack experience, I tend to let my expectations go wild, which is pretty bad. Plus, I read her completely wrong, as she did not seem at the time to be looking for a one night stand. Plus, as I said, she did say that while she did not want a serious relationship, she wanted to find someone for more casual dating.
Third lesson of the night. I felt like I needed to give an explanation, because I did not want her to feel like there was a problem with her.
I'm kinda frustrated because well, I've been without sex for quite a long time, and then I pass an obvious opportunity because I let expectations and insecurity get the better of me. But I guess this is something that comes with experience. I still plan to wait a few days and talk to her again, if she doesn't ghost me until then, but I don't really have any expectations shit is gonna change.
First important lesson. I'm not messing this up again.
Second important lesson. Because I lack experience, I tend to let my expectations go wild, which is pretty bad. Plus, I read her completely wrong, as she did not seem at the time to be looking for a one night stand. Plus, as I said, she did say that while she did not want a serious relationship, she wanted to find someone for more casual dating.
Third lesson of the night. I felt like I needed to give an explanation, because I did not want her to feel like there was a problem with her.
I'm kinda frustrated because well, I've been without sex for quite a long time, and then I pass an obvious opportunity because I let expectations and insecurity get the better of me. But I guess this is something that comes with experience. I still plan to wait a few days and talk to her again, if she doesn't ghost me until then, but I don't really have any expectations shit is gonna change.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
I don't think declining sex on the first date was your mistake. As others have said, it's fine to say no.
I think your mistake is not being in the right mindset for dating and relationships.
- You're insecure about your body. What are you doing to change that? Dating requires (some degree of) self-confidence and physical and emotional happiness.
- You're not "swimming in girls". This is fine, some like quality over quantity. Don't get over-invested in each girl you date.
- Your age. Again, you're only 26. Your dating life doesn't end when you hit 30, 35, or 40.
- She'll be the third person you're intimate with. She won't be the last, don't get hung up on the numbers.
- Chemistry. Again, she won't be the last person you have really good chemistry with. Plus it's only the first date.
Really, it's her loss. You're not crazy for not expecting to have sex on the first date. And for her to take it like she did says more about her than you. I don't think you anything wrong here bud. At the same time, maybe you're not confident enough to date right now. There will be other women that you vibe with. Don't be hard on yourself
You're clingy for being upset over a mundane response about keyboard decals.
Any tips for not overextending your self if you're dating multiple women?
I have two women I dated last weekend I'm still talking to, seeing one tonight for happy hour. Then I have like 3 women I'm making plans to meet but nothing is finalized yet. Another 1 that seems pretty interested and some more that aren't very far along.
Ahh, I should stop sending out new messages now, yeah?
And I think ErrorMacro is more upset that the women took it the wrong way and now doesn't seem interested in him than just the fact that he didn't sleep with her. Like he said, he had great chemistry with her. I'd be bummed too.
I would have just went with it. It might have ended badly but you might've inadvertendly caused it to end before you got the chance to see. Sorry man, sucks.
I have two women I dated last weekend I'm still talking to, seeing one tonight for happy hour. Then I have like 3 women I'm making plans to meet but nothing is finalized yet. Another 1 that seems pretty interested and some more that aren't very far along.
Ahh, I should stop sending out new messages now, yeah?
And I think ErrorMacro is more upset that the women took it the wrong way and now doesn't seem interested in him than just the fact that he didn't sleep with her. Like he said, he had great chemistry with her. I'd be bummed too.
I would have just went with it. It might have ended badly but you might've inadvertendly caused it to end before you got the chance to see. Sorry man, sucks.
ErrorMacro
Member
Thanks for the input. Like you said, I don't think I'm in a good mindset for it right now. Therapy has been helping a lot, and I also need to start exercising again, which is gonna help for sure. Plus, be more patient, like all you guys said, she won't be either the first nor the last girl I'm gonna have good chemistry with, so I shouldn't be so worried about it.
I also need to focus on my positive aspects. I think the going to dates part is one thing I'm pretty good at, since I think all but one of my dating experiences ended up well in some regard, and even the one that didn't it wasn't that bad.
I mean I don't think it's that bad to have a few topics in your back pocket (figuratively) to fall back on if there's some awkward silence but to have a physical list and to carry it with you (or on your phone) and reference it, even sneakily, is out there levels of ridiculous (also, don't check your phone during dates unless it's an emergency). If the conversation flows so unnaturally that you need to reference notes about them, you're overthinking it and I say that as someone who is pretty quiet and not a fantastic conversationalist.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
I'm not upset though, so...?
I didn't think it was that big a deal. Just a little weird.
Like if someone asks "you traveling anywhere interesting/special this summer?"
And someone replies "yes".
I got back from that week in San Fran with my boyfriend.
- The city is beautiful
- But we almost starved some days because we could barely get ourselves out of the hotel room
- Because we had sex at least 5 times a day
- However we spent a lot of non-sexy time together. I'm convinced I'm in love with him. We're so compatible.
- We told each other we loved each other and now I'm back home and on cloud 9.
Best week ever. I was an ugly cry mess at the airport.
#grindrsuccessstories
- The city is beautiful
- But we almost starved some days because we could barely get ourselves out of the hotel room
- Because we had sex at least 5 times a day
- However we spent a lot of non-sexy time together. I'm convinced I'm in love with him. We're so compatible.
- We told each other we loved each other and now I'm back home and on cloud 9.
Best week ever. I was an ugly cry mess at the airport.
#grindrsuccessstories
The last post you made was about how you were still hung up on your ex. You shouldn't take a break from all dating and let yourself sort out your feelings? You were asking why things are going wrong for you, and the biggest thing I see about you is how you cram as many women as you possibly can into your free time. It's not optimal to date others while you're still not over someone, and you keep making the mess bigger for yourself by both sustaining it by keeping in touch with her, deliberately initiating sex, while also doing all of this.
Is it really that scary not to have any dates for a month?
grap3fruitman
Banned
Copied and pasted my pm to Mory. I'll leave this thread again.
Omg. I think I'm gonna cry. I'm talking to this girl on snapchat. She's 19 and really fucking cute. I told myself I wasn't gonna pursue anyone under 21 after my immature as fuck girlfriend but fuck it, I don't have to marry this girl. She posts stuff on her stories a lot at like 4 am. She had said that she always sleeps around that time so I asked her if she had insomnia. She tells me she doesn't know what that is. Kinda weird but no biggie. I explain it to her. Tonight we're texting and she says that she really wants to gain weight because she's really thin and that it's hard for her to gain. I tell her that she should try counting calories or at least guessing. Her response is "wtf are calories?" My jaw literally dropped. I asked her if she was kidding and she said she was serious. So I actually explain to her what calories are and how much she needs to eat to gain weight. She then asks me, no fucking joke, "Does pizza have calories?" I literally shed a tear. She is completely serious. I don't even know what to say. This is the dumbest person I've ever spoken to and I feel mean for even thinking it.
I would really suggest reaching out for help, besides NeoGAF. There are support groups for people who feel like you do. There's counseling and therapy. That's a suggestion that's not too advanced. I've seen you feel this way for years, now. There are really good ways to get proper help to deal with the things you're feeling.
I don't know anything about the dude other than his age and that he buys her a car. Seems likely he's better for her than the armed robber or the wife beater. Let her live.
We're finished now. Friends, that's it.
And well I am over her lol. It's hard to explain how my emotions work. I guess you could say I fall in love quick and out of love just as quick. Even though it might not be love. I was a little sad it happened like that with her but it wasn't really anything hard to get through and I do a lot of self reflecting and I realized meeting her helped me get through a rut in my life.
The thing with my dating is, everyone's looking for a connection, right? Well I almost always get that connection with a woman so it's like difficult to not end up getting emotionally invested but I think right now I just feel like dating and seeing what happens. I usually just get with the first women I feel a connection with which is usually the first woman I get a date with.
I send a lot of messages online out too because some are misses. It just so happened I got too many hits at once.
I wasn't really trying to talk to that many at once. They just all replied.
I know what you're saying though, I do, I just never go into a relationship with a past relationship hanging on. Im fully invested in whomever I'm with.
Well, the general point still remains. Perhaps you're not still hung up on your ex, but your tempo is off. Perhaps if you give yourself some more time to move past past relationships, you end up finding that you've kept some feelings hidden somewhere. Some time without other dates, without people that you get a connection with will create that time. It's like you need the distraction of having someone something is going on with. In response to you asking why things go the same way repeatedly, the best advice I have is to not date for a month, at least.
USA ? This is why I don't like going back home. Girls there... Lots of them have aged ... quickly, to put it gently. Guess smoking meth and cranking out kids does that to people I suppose.
Roberto Larcos
Member
Warning in advance. This isn't a question or a rant - I'm feeling good today.
I met a sweet girl, been talking to her a fair bit over the last few weeks. We always have something to talk about, which in my mind is absolutely brilliant. Very funny too. She wants to take things seriously from the get-go - by that I mean not dating anyone else (I'm not anyway), first date is dinner in a restaurant instead of coffee (my usual go-to). I appreciate it though, because I'm looking for a similar, serious thing. Before anyone interjects, it's not a controlling thing, it's mutual.
Okay, tangential question. When you guys realised you wanted something more from dating, how did you go about changing your approach?
I met a sweet girl, been talking to her a fair bit over the last few weeks. We always have something to talk about, which in my mind is absolutely brilliant. Very funny too. She wants to take things seriously from the get-go - by that I mean not dating anyone else (I'm not anyway), first date is dinner in a restaurant instead of coffee (my usual go-to). I appreciate it though, because I'm looking for a similar, serious thing. Before anyone interjects, it's not a controlling thing, it's mutual.
Okay, tangential question. When you guys realised you wanted something more from dating, how did you go about changing your approach?
As i mentioned before, you could go and make some friends if you were really that interested in that. Gaf isn't going to fix your problems.
Being with a woman doesn't magically change your life and you shouldn't expect it to either.
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