http://migm.co/insomniac-music-theatre-9-the-killers-spacema said:
This next part is where I start losing my mind. Funny how it's not the place to live, or getting a job, that causes my panic. I figure all that will always sort itself out. I get stupid over some of the dumbest things. It's unfortunate, because there's really nothing to a lot of what ends up irking me for long periods of time, yet they seem to always weigh the heaviest on my mind. I've tried stalling long enough while typing this convincing myself not to even bring this up, but after an unfortunate internal mental blowup a few fridays ago, it's probably time I at least allude to it a little. Generally, I'm one to not wear my emotions or even anything too personal on my sleeve, as I don't believe it's a burden for everyone to have to bear. I've posted many times before about people who seem to post things only to gain sympathy from others, and how annoying it is, when clearly the problem is so miniscule that if you actually described what the problem was, people would laugh at you. I would much rather let 1-2 people know about it, and leave it at that. For some reason, I have a bit of a change of heart with this particular subject matter. Not that I necessarily want every single person who follows me to read it, but I suppose I just want it to be accessible if anyone really wants a rare look into what's going on in my mind when there's no football or tv shows or gadgets involved.
There I go stalling again.
To try to make this shorter I'll kind of run through a quick summary of everything. Girl and I have known each other for a while, and despite a lot of baggage and a slight case of insanity, I couldn't help but get caught up in her nonsense. We started hanging out amongst friends again, then eventually moved it to more traditional date settings. Movies, lunch and what not. Despite this, she swore to me she didn't want anything serious as she had just gotten out of a long distance relationship. Nothing serious? That works for me. So I thought anyway. Texting at all times of day, from the crack of dawn until one of us finally either passed out next to our phones or one of us decided it was finally time to call it a night. Despite her insisting on nothing serious, everything pointed in the direction of serious, to the point where she'd start asking questions like if I'd be ok if she went to see a movie with my brother and sister (my siblings and I decided long ago we would go see Transformers 3 opening night, just because, stupid movie for us to go to together like we did with the other two.) I thought it was cute of her to ask, and even invited her along, but she declined, saying she would feel weird.
I don't want to get into too many details, but there were a few situations like this that came up where she would ask questions like that. Maybe to try to scare me off, maybe just to get a rise out of me, but I'd always call her bluff. I've got no problem introducing good friends to family, the same applies for any girl see as more than just someone to mess around with. The further along things went, the more it seemed it was just a way to try to push away, as I would imagine most guys (myself included) would run away at the thought at some random chick meeting all their close friends or family. That's usually the case for me as well. Something seemed a little different this time around though, but I may have misjudged where the "different" was coming from. A few things started changing, texts began to be ignored, invitations to lunch/movies were being ignored/declined. (Sidenote: One thing I really dislike is animosity towards my friends in any form. Blatant or passive aggressive. It annoys me.)
Is this thing on?
One day, after asking her 3 times that week if she wanted to go see a movie, with the text being ignored, while entire long conversations about other random things were answered immediately, I decided I would put out an invite to whoever wanted my extra pass to the movie online, and give it to whoever asked for it first. Well, there was a response right away, and it happens to be a good (female) friend of mine, who I've know about the same amount of time as the girl this entire novel is about, and was roughly part of the same circle of friends I guess you could say. In any case, we went to see the movie, laughed the entire time, had fun watching it. The friend posted that we went to see it, I commented about some funny parts of the movie, her friends asked yea or nay on going to watch the movie, typical online banter. Nothing out of the ordinary I thought.
Texted girl A after I got home from the movie with the usual goodnights but I got no response, assumed she had just passed out early as she tended to do. We spoke some the next morning, and as I went to look for her page, I noticed her account was gone, which I found really strange. I asked her about it as I sent her the link to whatever it was I was going to show her and she said she just never used the account anymore and decided it was time to delete it. Strange timing, but I guess that's not out of the realm of possibility, she didn't really appear to use it all that often. I couldn't help shake the feeling that she was upset at me having gone to the movies with my other friend. She always feigned jealousy towards the girl since I was "always hanging around with her". She just happens to be in the same close circle of people I hang out with often. She's a good friend, but nothing has ever come from that, and neither of us appear to be going down that road either.
Despite this, I just assumed it was a coincidence, and went about my way. We continued to converse over the next 3 days, our last conversation revolving around being paranoid that someone could read her text messages. She had a lot of issues about thinking people were stalking her, and installing keyloggers to her computer, and mentioned many different stories where she thought an ex was trying to gather info on her. I can't imagine why, you'd think they'd be ready to let the paranoia and secrecy fade away and look for someone who was actually willing to open up and let things happen rather than run and hide from whatever the situation brought to the table. So anyway, the rest of my summer has been coming to the realization I don't have a job yet, and I have to move back into my mom's place in the next few weeks... maybe it was just wanting to grasp to the one good thing happening at the time, but just like everything else, it decided to just get up and leave. C'est la vie. I was purposefully vague with some of the details just for anonymity's sake, although there will be enough people that'll probably decode this, including the person it's about. Whether she reads it or not doesn't matter. Whether anyone else reads it or not doesn't really matter either. I just wanted to vent, and now I've vented. It's probably a couple weeks too late, as I had to excuse myself from a friend's birthday party not too long ago due to just randomly feeling awful as I'd had too much to think (and drink), but better late than never.
That's all. Carry on with the rest of your day. I've wasted enough of your time.
Great dance music and the basic steps are fairly easy and quite different from the standard stuff, I think.
