windowlurker
Banned
I posted that with the assumption that he is a responsible adult.
Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
I posted that with the assumption that he is a responsible adult.
If he's smoked Weed for 10+ years every day, I wouldn't advice something else with addiction potential that's actually way worse (like liquor) as a go-to replacement...
windowlurker
Banned
Oh, it's an addiction? Sorry, I'll blame my misunderstanding on dehydration and being tired. Plus he says he doesn't drink. WTF was I thinking. (Furthermore why I don't give advice or post in this threaad, about as useless as subtitles in porn)
Moderation, mellow out to HGTV? Drawling blank.
@windowlurker & Smiley90 I'm 25 years old.
I don't drink because I have two alcoholic parents, and I have an addictive personality. Alcohol has done nothing but destroy everything around me when it comes to my family and my friends.
I just don't like the way alcohol makes me feel. I get all emotional, and goofy. Weed makes me calm and (used to) help me think straight. I also really got into playing video games while stoned.
@ATF487, the first massive panic attack (thought I was going to die, or go permanently crazy) was off a bong, but since then I have tried one-hitters and blunts. Same thing, I just immediately panic and think "am I doing something wrong? Is smoking weed bad? Does god not want me to smoke weed?" (I am Christian, but I don't go to church or push my beliefs on anyone else, please do not turn this into a religious debate)
I don't know what answer I am looking for, I probably should go to a counselor or therapist but I don't want to waste money on someone who really doesn't give a crap about me or is just going to say "don't smoke weed any more".
What I really want to know is what psychotic condition I have. Depersonalization? General anxiety disorder? Just plain guilt? Why does it only happen when I smoke weed, and why after so many years of heavy smoking?
I don't drink because I have two alcoholic parents, and I have an addictive personality. Alcohol has done nothing but destroy everything around me when it comes to my family and my friends.
I just don't like the way alcohol makes me feel. I get all emotional, and goofy. Weed makes me calm and (used to) help me think straight. I also really got into playing video games while stoned.
@ATF487, the first massive panic attack (thought I was going to die, or go permanently crazy) was off a bong, but since then I have tried one-hitters and blunts. Same thing, I just immediately panic and think "am I doing something wrong? Is smoking weed bad? Does god not want me to smoke weed?" (I am Christian, but I don't go to church or push my beliefs on anyone else, please do not turn this into a religious debate)
I don't know what answer I am looking for, I probably should go to a counselor or therapist but I don't want to waste money on someone who really doesn't give a crap about me or is just going to say "don't smoke weed any more".
What I really want to know is what psychotic condition I have. Depersonalization? General anxiety disorder? Just plain guilt? Why does it only happen when I smoke weed, and why after so many years of heavy smoking?
NeOak
Member
Don't drop it. I can't write a lot because I'm posting from my phone, but having that college degree will help later on, and it might prevent those "what if" thoughts about what if you hadn't dropped.
Collete
Member
Depression-GAF anthology has passed deadline #1! I've received all sorts of submissions, which is really exciting! I have a few essays still out there in the wild, too, I think. There's definitely still time to write something, is what I'm getting at. The editing will take me until the end of the month, which is when i want to be finished.
The one thing I'd love, but haven't found anyone to write, is a discussion of depression in games. Outside of depression quest, I'm not even sure what games feature depression as a theme. If you can think of any examples of games which feature mental health issues, or characters who suffer, send me a few sentences about it. I don't expect anyone to make a big essay about it, but if you have games or characters who you identify with, or that evoke or alleviate feelings of depression, send me a little blurb about it!
I'll almost certainly be writing a depression-GAF "manifesto" for the collection, outlining how to get the most from the thread. I don't want it to be TOO "I will tell you what to post!" but there are obviously some things more productive than others. PM me your thoughts on the thread - what has helped, or who (and why - and I'll give their posts another look. I plan to look back at some of my favorite posters and think more about exactly why I like what they do), what hasn't helped, things you've said that you're proud (or ashamed of!), what you'd like to see...we've had a little bit of this discussion recently. I want to spend a little time thinking about where to take the thread next (as much as I can control it, which is barely at all, thankfully), and have ideas and thoughts to share with the many, many people who invest their time and energy in this community. As I said before, it flatters the crap out of me when people thank me for...whatever it is I've done in here, but more and more, it makes me feel awful. There are so many people who care so much about this community, and I don't think they get enough credit. Just to point to two of our members (hur hur), my dear friend Oomi reads everything in here (and she's not alone in that - many of us do), and, as depressed as she gets, she cares very deeply about trying to help others. Another friend with a heart of gold, Smiley90, would walk to the ends of the earth for people in here. Again, he's not alone in that, but it's still so great to see.
Jeez - I do go on and on. Take home - send me your stuff! Stuff = writing and thoughts on the thread, not pictures of your dong, pau.
The one thing I'd love, but haven't found anyone to write, is a discussion of depression in games. Outside of depression quest, I'm not even sure what games feature depression as a theme. If you can think of any examples of games which feature mental health issues, or characters who suffer, send me a few sentences about it. I don't expect anyone to make a big essay about it, but if you have games or characters who you identify with, or that evoke or alleviate feelings of depression, send me a little blurb about it!
I'll almost certainly be writing a depression-GAF "manifesto" for the collection, outlining how to get the most from the thread. I don't want it to be TOO "I will tell you what to post!" but there are obviously some things more productive than others. PM me your thoughts on the thread - what has helped, or who (and why - and I'll give their posts another look. I plan to look back at some of my favorite posters and think more about exactly why I like what they do), what hasn't helped, things you've said that you're proud (or ashamed of!), what you'd like to see...we've had a little bit of this discussion recently. I want to spend a little time thinking about where to take the thread next (as much as I can control it, which is barely at all, thankfully), and have ideas and thoughts to share with the many, many people who invest their time and energy in this community. As I said before, it flatters the crap out of me when people thank me for...whatever it is I've done in here, but more and more, it makes me feel awful. There are so many people who care so much about this community, and I don't think they get enough credit. Just to point to two of our members (hur hur), my dear friend Oomi reads everything in here (and she's not alone in that - many of us do), and, as depressed as she gets, she cares very deeply about trying to help others. Another friend with a heart of gold, Smiley90, would walk to the ends of the earth for people in here. Again, he's not alone in that, but it's still so great to see.
Jeez - I do go on and on. Take home - send me your stuff! Stuff = writing and thoughts on the thread, not pictures of your dong, pau.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
I got one right off my head: Heavy Rain
Write a little blurb about that and send it to meeeeeeeeeeee!
ClassyPenguin
Banned
That requires effort.
It can be short, dude! C'mon! Do it do it do it.
iRAWRasaurus
Banned
Haha that feeling when you believe something good is gonna happen.. Then it's ripped from under your feet...fml just ranting..being a nice guy sucks...I should just avoid people from now on..
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
Sometimes life doesn't seem worth the effort.
My current post was prompted by similar feelings to this one.
My current post was prompted by similar feelings to this one.
That is the truth.
Even when life gives me a giant you win. Deep down is still waiting there trying to fuck me. My double ex texted me yesterday. This woman I truly loved; was deeply in love with. We were good friends and I was clearly friend zoned, got all the friend zone lines "not my kind of guy", "I like you as a friend" and "I don't want to ruin what we have". I was like this for a few years, then one week I literally said fuck it i'm getting out of the friend zone, and holy fuck did I mean it. I wanted to walk were few have traversed and even less have succeeded. In a crazy series of events and conversations I got out. I was actually surprised when it happened cause I have never known one to have escaped the event horizon of the friend zone.
So i'm in it and it's good. I loved this woman before I began dating her so there was no need to develop any feelings they came already assembled. Everything was great for the both of us, except sex.... i'm not good enough for her, not because I wasn't born with proper endowments, it's skill. She had a very short temper and would not make me feel so hot when things went wrong, so that just snowballed the problem. We tried to make it work for a year+, everything else being great except sex, when she would want it I would fail that would be an argument. She didn't do anything really to help or assist me. I tried drugs and therapy to see if that would help, nope.
We then started to grow apart, she started to treat me worse and worse and ignore me more and more. Until one day when I was helping her mom and we stopped by her house, wasn't my idea to stop there it was her moms. We pick some stuff up and not even a hello was said. I had to pee for the last hour and wanted to go in "GO" and leave. She said no. She told me to go in the back alley and go there. Its raining outside 10pm in north philadelphia and she tells me to pee in a alleyway. I say fuck this and leave. She calls me the next day and we have an argument and she tells me to stay out of her life.
This was 2 1/2 - 3 years ago. Yesterday she texts me. She apologizes for everything and how she treated me and how she should have been the one to take responsibility because she has experience. I tell her it was both out doings and there is no one person to blame. She says that she has learned a lot and that I was a great boyfriend and didn't deserve what happened to me. The thing is, I still love her, not in love with her, nor do I want to try another relationship with her. It's that after years this happens and I get this huge wave of depression. I don't know what exactly its from. I'm happy for her in what shes doing with her life. I am also glad that I got to talk to my old friend and catch up. Is it because its too little to late? Is it just the fact of hearing from her again? Is it that I miss what we had? Am I tired of dating other people and not having the same level of connection with anyone else?
So i'm in it and it's good. I loved this woman before I began dating her so there was no need to develop any feelings they came already assembled. Everything was great for the both of us, except sex.... i'm not good enough for her, not because I wasn't born with proper endowments, it's skill. She had a very short temper and would not make me feel so hot when things went wrong, so that just snowballed the problem. We tried to make it work for a year+, everything else being great except sex, when she would want it I would fail that would be an argument. She didn't do anything really to help or assist me. I tried drugs and therapy to see if that would help, nope.
We then started to grow apart, she started to treat me worse and worse and ignore me more and more. Until one day when I was helping her mom and we stopped by her house, wasn't my idea to stop there it was her moms. We pick some stuff up and not even a hello was said. I had to pee for the last hour and wanted to go in "GO" and leave. She said no. She told me to go in the back alley and go there. Its raining outside 10pm in north philadelphia and she tells me to pee in a alleyway. I say fuck this and leave. She calls me the next day and we have an argument and she tells me to stay out of her life.
This was 2 1/2 - 3 years ago. Yesterday she texts me. She apologizes for everything and how she treated me and how she should have been the one to take responsibility because she has experience. I tell her it was both out doings and there is no one person to blame. She says that she has learned a lot and that I was a great boyfriend and didn't deserve what happened to me. The thing is, I still love her, not in love with her, nor do I want to try another relationship with her. It's that after years this happens and I get this huge wave of depression. I don't know what exactly its from. I'm happy for her in what shes doing with her life. I am also glad that I got to talk to my old friend and catch up. Is it because its too little to late? Is it just the fact of hearing from her again? Is it that I miss what we had? Am I tired of dating other people and not having the same level of connection with anyone else?
I still haven't finished my shit. Need to get back to it ASAP.
Also, what you've done with the thread is great. And yes, there are many here that read every post and give good advice, despite having their own problems. You're all fantastic people.
I think a game that qualifies that description is Max Payne 3. Want me to post some ramblings about it here, or take my time to elaborate a little more and PM it to you?
The Hermit
Member
Fucking depression... even when everything is nearly perfect, it still manages to show up and say hello.
The last 2 months had been a constant dream, yet yesterday and today I saw my old self, feeling low valued with terrible self-stem, just because one girl I like doesn't seem to care enough for me.
I know it will go away and I do feel 100000000000x stronger than before, but fuck it was so good not feeling like crap.
I feel you and I think you just have to accept that she was an important person in your life and that this kind of feeling won't go away easily; but She should feel bad, not you. Valorize yourself, she doesn't deserve you.
Keep meeting people and eventually you will find one that connects to you even better than her.
The last 2 months had been a constant dream, yet yesterday and today I saw my old self, feeling low valued with terrible self-stem, just because one girl I like doesn't seem to care enough for me.
I know it will go away and I do feel 100000000000x stronger than before, but fuck it was so good not feeling like crap.
I feel you and I think you just have to accept that she was an important person in your life and that this kind of feeling won't go away easily; but She should feel bad, not you. Valorize yourself, she doesn't deserve you.
Keep meeting people and eventually you will find one that connects to you even better than her.
MisterLuffy
Member
I had a study session with my group on Thursday. After we finished, I got upset because I couldn't answer or explain during our study session. My friend thought that I was mad because she was bossy. I said no because without her, I would've never made it this far. She's helpful and explains very clearly. I next told her that I was mad at myself for not understanding at all. I have less expectations of me ever doing good in any classes.
I'm trying to study today but not feeling like it at the same time. I hate when I lack of studying because I'm too lazy no matter how important the exams are. I mean, why do I even bother having high expectations of me if I'm not serious. I'm tired of myself, I mean extremely tired of myself that I wish I was someone else who has a brain. Right now, I just want to give up on myself.
I'm trying to study today but not feeling like it at the same time. I hate when I lack of studying because I'm too lazy no matter how important the exams are. I mean, why do I even bother having high expectations of me if I'm not serious. I'm tired of myself, I mean extremely tired of myself that I wish I was someone else who has a brain. Right now, I just want to give up on myself.
I'd rather have them PM'ed. The anthology is sort of for stuff that's slightly different than what people post (otherwise, why do it separately?). Or, at the very least, for new things that they haven't read in the thread.
RionaaM is another great guy who is active in the thread a lot, comes to chat, talks about the thread - just cares a lot or this community.
Sadly bad things will continue to happen, no matter what. Fortunately good things were happening too. I'm glad to hear you're feeling strong, try to keep that in mind when you face these next days. It's not easy, but as you said, it will go away. Just try not to let your feelings for her take over you, and bring you down too hard.
That's fine, I'll send you a paragraph or two about the game too. Tonight I managed to advance with my other writing, and I think it's getting better. Well, not better, but closer to be finished at least. Though the last sections feel a little too pessimistic, so they may need some cheering upI'd rather have them PM'ed. The anthology is sort of for stuff that's slightly different than what people post (otherwise, why do it separately?). Or, at the very least, for new things that they haven't read in the thread.
RionaaM is another great guy who is active in the thread a lot, comes to chat, talks about the thread - just cares a lot or this community.
I'm not a great guy, shut up! But it's true that I care about you guys, even though I'm not smart like you, or don't have great advice like Prax or Oomi or Smiley, or don't know about lots of sci-fi TV shows like Fiction.
By the way, if anyone needs a laugh tonight, I'd recommend watching a couple of videos from the Angry Video Game Nerd (NSFW, curses and uses a lot of strong language), it's what I'm doing right now and helps me to spend a lonely night without thinking too much about being lonely. Ones I really like is the Dick Tracy episode and the Virtual Boy one.
Yep, Max Payne 3 is depressing in its mediocrity.
Mostly kidding.
Has this always happened or is it a recent thing?
It sounds less that you're lazy and more like you're exhausted. You're obviously trying if you went to this study group. I can't say much since I don't really know the whole situation, but studying is incredibly frustrating and difficult at times, so cut yourself some slack.
MisterLuffy
Member
Has this always happened or is it a recent thing?
It sounds less that you're lazy and more like you're exhausted. You're obviously trying if you went to this study group. I can't say much since I don't really know the whole situation, but studying is incredibly frustrating and difficult at times, so cut yourself some slack.
It happened 3 days ago, but yeah it has always happened to me. I just can't pull myself to study. I want to pass my human bio and physics class, however; I'm worried about physics because I failed my first exam. My second exam is coming up next week.
I feel trapped. My living situation hasn't improved since my depression started in August at all. I feel hopeless and unsalvageable. The one thing that would make me happy will never happen to me. Everyone else has it and being around them and having to deal with them is crushing me.
Everything hurts and I can't cope.
Everything hurts and I can't cope.
Collete
Member
I barely could sleep last night and ended up waking up at 3 am getting 3 hours of sleep. For no real reason but I guess depression and feeling hurt. Relaxed with cat for awhile then out of nowhere I decided to walk out in the middle of the night (but in my defense felt I would go insane if I stayed inside any longer). Probably not my most brightest moments in my life but...it at least got me out of the house I guess. I kept walking and realized the sun was rising, and decided to just walk towards the rising sun...At the time it made sense, I thought I would find some sort of enlightenment by doing that...but anyways... Eventually after much time passed, I found a bench near a lake and stayed as long as I sanely could to watch the sun rise...But of all days, I had to pick the dark and cloudy to watch a sunrise that was happening behind many houses and trees....After some time I thought it would be a good idea to drown myself in the lake...I was struggling with myself for awhile and I realized I left my phone at home...Someone will most likely be upset if I died now without saying anything. So forcefully turned around to make the long walk home...At the end of this, I just came cold and sick...I don't know just thought I should say something.
User 100115
Banned
I wish I could say something to help
I will say however that I doubt everyone else has this thing you need. Stay strong.\
This actually sounds quite beautiful. Watching the sunrise and walking in the dark and the like. I am glad you thought about your phone in the end. I am sorry you feel sick now. I sometimes imagine just walking off and doing something out of the ordinary like that.
I hope you always forget your phone every time you have a crazy idea like that one. Going for a walk at 3:00 is fine, if a little risky, but drowning yourself in the lake IS NOT. Don't do it.
Collete
Member
Yeah...Thought about someone and it helped perked me up to go back home...No one even cared I was gone when I came back...But I guess it was because by the time I came back they were still sleeping.
To be fair, I didn't leave at 3 am. For two hours I was trying to relax with my cat and maintain my sanity. (Internet was also out at this time coincidentally, so didn't have access to music I used to listen to or any sort of material to read to relax...so all I had was my nocturnal cat and a research book to read, which I didn't feel like flipping through) I think I left around early 6ish. But I dunno, think it was a little foolish to leave without my phone in case something actually did happen. I dunno.
Well usually I wouldn't really do this, but I've been on the verge of a nervous breakdown for a bit now so I might as well.
It's not so much that I enjoy talking about my personal issues in public, but it's not like I was given much of a chance after the whole breaking up via offline messages and erasing all contact with me.
You know, the usual way to breakup with someone that dedicated nearly 8 years of his life to a relationship and trying to make it work. All the respect of breaking up with someone overnight while they sleep, with all the beneifts of not giving the person any opportunity to get closure or even understand the events.
Leaving me to come and read this thread after nearly having a breakdown just to try and understand what happened, to try and give my mind some rest, and seeing some random post mischaracterized me and all my efforts and stuff like "[If I could change anything] I would had never dated him".
So what is there for me to really say about it!
Lets start by all the stuff I'm pretty sure she didn't mention!
Such as her being unable to mantain relationships with people close to her, mischaracterizing them and demonizing them, closing herself off and sabotaging any close relation she has with someone sooner or later. She has no idea who I am anymore, she has no idea who her own parents are, she exagerates them to the extreme, she paints this people has awful people aiming to make her unhappy, when they are a lot of times trying to help.
I mean, how awful of a person am I?
Did she ever tell that it took me years to get her to even admit she suffered from depression?
And another bundle of years to even get her to accept the idea of going to the therapist?
Did she ever mentioned how I destroyed my life to accomadate for and try help her? How I would spend various times a week through the night until the early hours in the morning trying to help her get through her new burst of depression or trying to get her to get treatment?
How after years of making an effort to her all that I'm left with is two fucked up wrists (ideal for someone studying computer science), a screwed up neck, and the knowledge that she's telling people if she could do anytihng differently it would be never starting to date me?
How I actively told her to keep in touch with her in real life friends and how important that would be, and how she jut dismissed them only to later cry about losing her friends and blaming them when she made no effort to mantain a relationship with them?
Or how she dropped her therapist a few consults before the end of her treatment, giving the therapist no chance of even preparing her to live by herself without help?
Or how she never approached her parents to ask for help to allow her to continue treatment?
That, despite her improving under treatment, she actively refused further help after dropping it, and started to destroy my relationship with her just for me trying to get her help?
That after she got sick of me telling her to go to a therapist and giving her advice instead of just going "yeah you're right everything sucks", she just stopped telling me about her issues?
How after I told her I felt she was starting to demonizing me like she did with her parents and how that would eventually lead to the downfall of our relation (and mentioning this several times through the years), she said she would do an effort to get better, and instead started talking to me about her depression or any issues even less, effectively actively sabotating our relation?
Did she talk about how her parents aren't actually awful people with no redeeming qualities?
About how she was wrong at the predicted reaction of her mother to talking with me every single time I talked with her mom?
How her parents, while far from perfect parents, are not actually assholes with no redeeming qualities that she tries to pass them as? How they have attempted to help her before and how she just refuses? How she hides her issues from them and doesn't let them create connections with her? How she insulted and physically attacked her parents several times?
Did she tell you that her mom offered to pay for a therapist to help her treat her depression? That her mom asked me to do all I could to convince her to go to a therapist?
And her response to that was simply "I won't accept help from that bitch" despite my pleas for her to just accept it for the better good.
That she said she no longer trusted me for asking her mother for help when I was desesperated after a friend told me he was worried she was going to kill herself? And then made good on that word and made her only concern towards me being that I did not playing TF2 with her (or barely at all).
When she talks about how she refuses to discuss things with me because I never change my mind, did she mention that she's talking about me telling her to go the therapy? To start taking meds? That her parents aren't the awful people that she thinks they are? That she should ask her parents for help? That she should accept her mother offer for help? That she shouldn't kill herself?
That she refuses personal responsibility and instead blames others for her mistakes? While blaming herself for issues that have nothing to do with her? Effectively never looking or attempting to solve the actual mistakes on our relationship or her life because she was too busy blaming it on me or her parents?
Did she mention that she loses notion of the people around her? That she starts perceiving people close to her as assholes with no redeeming qualities?
That I talked with her about it several times through the last few years and, despite saying she would seek help to get better, she did the exact opposite and started trying to sabotage our relationship?
That after all that time of her sabotaging our relationship, she decides to break with me without as much as a five minute talk? A few offline messages while I'm asleep and then erases me out of her life and cuts every contact she as with me literally over night?
That she decided to do this mere days after I found out that my grandfather was dying and she knew I was struggling with that and was at a low point?
And despite all that and all the effort I put to helping her, even while she did her best to sabotaged our relation and refused my attempts to try and fix the relationship, she still didn't thought I deserved a few minutes of her time? That I didn't even deserve a bit of closure or understanding of what was happening?
Despite spending so much time here trying to help people, she didn't stop 5 minutes to try and help our relationship or herself.
She paints her life as rough, but her life is anything but rough, her parents, while assholish at times, care about her and tried to support her the best they can, be it when she got some older moron as a boyfriend, be it when she changed college course twice, be it even with her mom wanting her to go to therapy and being willing to pay for it.
She had a boyfriend that, while far from perfect, made an effort far more than most would, and stayed until the bitter (and quite bitter) end when he was literally kicked out and erased of her life.
Depression is an awful thing, and battling depression is something I can't even begin to understand, but she's not battling depression, she embraced it long ago, she's a mentally unstable person who refuses to get any help and does her best to drive away those that can help her, and when that fails this is what she does.
I want to clarify that I think this thread is extremely helpfull for a lot of people and that a lot of great work is done in this thread to help others.
With that said, as it is now, and I'm sorry to say, as far as she is concern, this topic just served to enabled her, she doesn't want help, she wants attention, and more than that she wants (subconciously or not) to be depressed, she had a small improvement when she started postng and helping people here at first, followed by a sharp and quick decline from her realization that she didn't need someone like me or her other friends that were actively fighting to get her help but refused to further feed her behavior after realizing it was only making her worst.
She infact told me as much, not just to me but to a friend as well, "I don't want to get better".
No matter how well-intentioned the comments are, it all falls on deafs years, it has for years, she needs real therapy, real help, and the only way for her to do so is with the help of those close to her, her parents, and until she gets real help, nothing will really matter.
As for me, you know, a person just keeps figthing, because deep down they still hope that the girl that they love still exists somewhere under the disease and that one day you can get through, instead it was just a bitter losing fight that got worst as it went, leaving me with no strenght for anything, not a single thanks for years despite all the effort, not a single sign of appreciation for anything, just waking up one day to see a few messages with no closure, no respect, just a kick on the nuts.
A guy thinks he can handle it, it isn't so bad at first, but then it starts eating you from the inside, and eh, suffering from OCD and all the lost of control of my own thoughts that I often suffer from the OCD just made it unmanegable.
Someone that you dedicated nearly 8 years of your life (more than 1/3 of my entire life) literally erasing you of their life and cutting all contact with you overnight while you sleep, the feeling that you get when you wake up and find out about that, and the feeling you get a week later when your brain finally processes what happened, that's not something anyone should have to go through.
Having that realization and being told that your grandfather just died was awful, it would be an awful thing under ordinary circunstances, when it happens just after you realized that you were used and throwed away as garbage by someone you dedicated good portion of your life to, it all just piles up, the feeling that you're truly alone, even in the middle of your family and friends, it just makes you feel all the more lonely. The realization that due to your social issues and the direction you took with your life in a bet that ended up being a failure will likely lead to an lonely existance.
I honestly don't know what to do with my life, I was having issues finding strenght to finish my Masters degree as it was (something she never bothered talking with me about), I wanted to start making indie games by myself with a few friends, but through the last year I lost friends,which just so happened to be those that could make up for my weakness on several deparment (such as art and music), the fact that I have social issues also means that the number of friends I actually have is very limited, so that was always difficult to handle.
The fact that I feel my programming skills have gotten considerably worse in the last year doesn't help (and I was never an amazing programmer to begin with), the fact that I have some awful wrists issues that cause me difficulties to type due to the amount of hours I spent on the PC in the last years has a pretty big tool on me, not just physically but mentally as well, it makes me feel incapable of doing anything.
The ony thing holding me around was really the confidence I had on my relation, despite all my doubts and fears, I always thought it would get somewhere, after all I've always been a rather optimistic person and it's not as if I wasn't doing an effort.
It's not really just the fact that I lost the relation, it's how I lost it, as described multiple times above, the idea that someone you spent so much time with and tried to help is literally erasing you of their life and act as if you dont exist and never existed, its offensive and hurtful beyond words, that took so much strenght out of me, just disposed like a band aid that had served it's purposed.
My grandfather death took the last bit of strenght I felt I had in me.
I feel that in the space of a week I lost not just my grandfather, and lost much more than just a girlfriend, I lost my strenght and my dreams.
(As a side note, my dad and uncle decided to give me and my sisters some of my grandfather inheritance, telling me that I could finally afford to go pay for a trip to travel to the US to visit her, I didn't really had the heart to go "Yeah... about that...", it reallly quite feels like the world is just giving me a kick on the balls and then pouring salt on the wound over the past few weeks of my life.)
And with that I'll take my leave, really nothing I can or could do anymore to help, I'll just hope that she gets the help she needs, and staying around would just cause further issues which I don't quite think will help anyone, and I don't really suffer from depression regardless of how I feel right now anyway.
I think this is probably a good time to go back to my therapist so she can help me, not only with my OCD and social issues, but also dealing with everything above.
I do apologize for any issues raised, I would had rather have avoided getting to the point to do such a post here, but I really needed to do this, for my own sake.
If anyone wants to discuss this with me it's probably better to PM or just to talk with me somewhere else as to avoid raising further issues.
It's not so much that I enjoy talking about my personal issues in public, but it's not like I was given much of a chance after the whole breaking up via offline messages and erasing all contact with me.
You know, the usual way to breakup with someone that dedicated nearly 8 years of his life to a relationship and trying to make it work. All the respect of breaking up with someone overnight while they sleep, with all the beneifts of not giving the person any opportunity to get closure or even understand the events.
Leaving me to come and read this thread after nearly having a breakdown just to try and understand what happened, to try and give my mind some rest, and seeing some random post mischaracterized me and all my efforts and stuff like "[If I could change anything] I would had never dated him".
So what is there for me to really say about it!
Lets start by all the stuff I'm pretty sure she didn't mention!
Such as her being unable to mantain relationships with people close to her, mischaracterizing them and demonizing them, closing herself off and sabotaging any close relation she has with someone sooner or later. She has no idea who I am anymore, she has no idea who her own parents are, she exagerates them to the extreme, she paints this people has awful people aiming to make her unhappy, when they are a lot of times trying to help.
I mean, how awful of a person am I?
Did she ever tell that it took me years to get her to even admit she suffered from depression?
And another bundle of years to even get her to accept the idea of going to the therapist?
Did she ever mentioned how I destroyed my life to accomadate for and try help her? How I would spend various times a week through the night until the early hours in the morning trying to help her get through her new burst of depression or trying to get her to get treatment?
How after years of making an effort to her all that I'm left with is two fucked up wrists (ideal for someone studying computer science), a screwed up neck, and the knowledge that she's telling people if she could do anytihng differently it would be never starting to date me?
How I actively told her to keep in touch with her in real life friends and how important that would be, and how she jut dismissed them only to later cry about losing her friends and blaming them when she made no effort to mantain a relationship with them?
Or how she dropped her therapist a few consults before the end of her treatment, giving the therapist no chance of even preparing her to live by herself without help?
Or how she never approached her parents to ask for help to allow her to continue treatment?
That, despite her improving under treatment, she actively refused further help after dropping it, and started to destroy my relationship with her just for me trying to get her help?
That after she got sick of me telling her to go to a therapist and giving her advice instead of just going "yeah you're right everything sucks", she just stopped telling me about her issues?
How after I told her I felt she was starting to demonizing me like she did with her parents and how that would eventually lead to the downfall of our relation (and mentioning this several times through the years), she said she would do an effort to get better, and instead started talking to me about her depression or any issues even less, effectively actively sabotating our relation?
Did she talk about how her parents aren't actually awful people with no redeeming qualities?
About how she was wrong at the predicted reaction of her mother to talking with me every single time I talked with her mom?
How her parents, while far from perfect parents, are not actually assholes with no redeeming qualities that she tries to pass them as? How they have attempted to help her before and how she just refuses? How she hides her issues from them and doesn't let them create connections with her? How she insulted and physically attacked her parents several times?
Did she tell you that her mom offered to pay for a therapist to help her treat her depression? That her mom asked me to do all I could to convince her to go to a therapist?
And her response to that was simply "I won't accept help from that bitch" despite my pleas for her to just accept it for the better good.
That she said she no longer trusted me for asking her mother for help when I was desesperated after a friend told me he was worried she was going to kill herself? And then made good on that word and made her only concern towards me being that I did not playing TF2 with her (or barely at all).
When she talks about how she refuses to discuss things with me because I never change my mind, did she mention that she's talking about me telling her to go the therapy? To start taking meds? That her parents aren't the awful people that she thinks they are? That she should ask her parents for help? That she should accept her mother offer for help? That she shouldn't kill herself?
That she refuses personal responsibility and instead blames others for her mistakes? While blaming herself for issues that have nothing to do with her? Effectively never looking or attempting to solve the actual mistakes on our relationship or her life because she was too busy blaming it on me or her parents?
Did she mention that she loses notion of the people around her? That she starts perceiving people close to her as assholes with no redeeming qualities?
That I talked with her about it several times through the last few years and, despite saying she would seek help to get better, she did the exact opposite and started trying to sabotage our relationship?
That after all that time of her sabotaging our relationship, she decides to break with me without as much as a five minute talk? A few offline messages while I'm asleep and then erases me out of her life and cuts every contact she as with me literally over night?
That she decided to do this mere days after I found out that my grandfather was dying and she knew I was struggling with that and was at a low point?
And despite all that and all the effort I put to helping her, even while she did her best to sabotaged our relation and refused my attempts to try and fix the relationship, she still didn't thought I deserved a few minutes of her time? That I didn't even deserve a bit of closure or understanding of what was happening?
Despite spending so much time here trying to help people, she didn't stop 5 minutes to try and help our relationship or herself.
She paints her life as rough, but her life is anything but rough, her parents, while assholish at times, care about her and tried to support her the best they can, be it when she got some older moron as a boyfriend, be it when she changed college course twice, be it even with her mom wanting her to go to therapy and being willing to pay for it.
She had a boyfriend that, while far from perfect, made an effort far more than most would, and stayed until the bitter (and quite bitter) end when he was literally kicked out and erased of her life.
Depression is an awful thing, and battling depression is something I can't even begin to understand, but she's not battling depression, she embraced it long ago, she's a mentally unstable person who refuses to get any help and does her best to drive away those that can help her, and when that fails this is what she does.
I want to clarify that I think this thread is extremely helpfull for a lot of people and that a lot of great work is done in this thread to help others.
With that said, as it is now, and I'm sorry to say, as far as she is concern, this topic just served to enabled her, she doesn't want help, she wants attention, and more than that she wants (subconciously or not) to be depressed, she had a small improvement when she started postng and helping people here at first, followed by a sharp and quick decline from her realization that she didn't need someone like me or her other friends that were actively fighting to get her help but refused to further feed her behavior after realizing it was only making her worst.
She infact told me as much, not just to me but to a friend as well, "I don't want to get better".
No matter how well-intentioned the comments are, it all falls on deafs years, it has for years, she needs real therapy, real help, and the only way for her to do so is with the help of those close to her, her parents, and until she gets real help, nothing will really matter.
As for me, you know, a person just keeps figthing, because deep down they still hope that the girl that they love still exists somewhere under the disease and that one day you can get through, instead it was just a bitter losing fight that got worst as it went, leaving me with no strenght for anything, not a single thanks for years despite all the effort, not a single sign of appreciation for anything, just waking up one day to see a few messages with no closure, no respect, just a kick on the nuts.
A guy thinks he can handle it, it isn't so bad at first, but then it starts eating you from the inside, and eh, suffering from OCD and all the lost of control of my own thoughts that I often suffer from the OCD just made it unmanegable.
Someone that you dedicated nearly 8 years of your life (more than 1/3 of my entire life) literally erasing you of their life and cutting all contact with you overnight while you sleep, the feeling that you get when you wake up and find out about that, and the feeling you get a week later when your brain finally processes what happened, that's not something anyone should have to go through.
Having that realization and being told that your grandfather just died was awful, it would be an awful thing under ordinary circunstances, when it happens just after you realized that you were used and throwed away as garbage by someone you dedicated good portion of your life to, it all just piles up, the feeling that you're truly alone, even in the middle of your family and friends, it just makes you feel all the more lonely. The realization that due to your social issues and the direction you took with your life in a bet that ended up being a failure will likely lead to an lonely existance.
I honestly don't know what to do with my life, I was having issues finding strenght to finish my Masters degree as it was (something she never bothered talking with me about), I wanted to start making indie games by myself with a few friends, but through the last year I lost friends,which just so happened to be those that could make up for my weakness on several deparment (such as art and music), the fact that I have social issues also means that the number of friends I actually have is very limited, so that was always difficult to handle.
The fact that I feel my programming skills have gotten considerably worse in the last year doesn't help (and I was never an amazing programmer to begin with), the fact that I have some awful wrists issues that cause me difficulties to type due to the amount of hours I spent on the PC in the last years has a pretty big tool on me, not just physically but mentally as well, it makes me feel incapable of doing anything.
The ony thing holding me around was really the confidence I had on my relation, despite all my doubts and fears, I always thought it would get somewhere, after all I've always been a rather optimistic person and it's not as if I wasn't doing an effort.
It's not really just the fact that I lost the relation, it's how I lost it, as described multiple times above, the idea that someone you spent so much time with and tried to help is literally erasing you of their life and act as if you dont exist and never existed, its offensive and hurtful beyond words, that took so much strenght out of me, just disposed like a band aid that had served it's purposed.
My grandfather death took the last bit of strenght I felt I had in me.
I feel that in the space of a week I lost not just my grandfather, and lost much more than just a girlfriend, I lost my strenght and my dreams.
(As a side note, my dad and uncle decided to give me and my sisters some of my grandfather inheritance, telling me that I could finally afford to go pay for a trip to travel to the US to visit her, I didn't really had the heart to go "Yeah... about that...", it reallly quite feels like the world is just giving me a kick on the balls and then pouring salt on the wound over the past few weeks of my life.)
And with that I'll take my leave, really nothing I can or could do anymore to help, I'll just hope that she gets the help she needs, and staying around would just cause further issues which I don't quite think will help anyone, and I don't really suffer from depression regardless of how I feel right now anyway.
I think this is probably a good time to go back to my therapist so she can help me, not only with my OCD and social issues, but also dealing with everything above.
I do apologize for any issues raised, I would had rather have avoided getting to the point to do such a post here, but I really needed to do this, for my own sake.
If anyone wants to discuss this with me it's probably better to PM or just to talk with me somewhere else as to avoid raising further issues.
I see what you're trying to do, but I'd still appreciate it if we didn't make this thread about something between two people that should NOT be discussed in this thread, that's what PM's (or real life) is for.
If you're not who I think you are, then feel free to go on.
We're not on anyone's side in particular here (well, everyone's), but this thread should still be about depression.
If you're not who I think you are, then feel free to go on.
We're not on anyone's side in particular here (well, everyone's), but this thread should still be about depression.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
I feel that post is a bit inappropriate for this thread, dani. Regardless of her intentions, she's here helping a LOT of people. An attempt to invalidate her contribution to this thread, I feel, is a bitter response to the break up. Again, it's largely inappropriate for this thread.
NeOak
Member
I would say that all this is more suited to Dating-GAF than to this thread.
I was able to read it before you edited it.
There are always two sides to a break up, but ranting on a common ground is never a wise choice. It makes you look like an aggressor and polarize people into taking sides.
It is frustrating, but there isn't much you can do about it, especially posting in a place you know she posts. I'm sorry man, but that is a dick move and had you suggested it in other thread, people would have told you to not do it.
Totally not. In this case, there isn't a "truth", only two sides of an event that its completely irrelevant to this thread and that was mixed with his original intent for posting.
Move on, nothing to see here. This has moved to PMs.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
This thread isn't designed for people to try and make it sound like users in this thread DON'T have depression. It's wrong to taint the names of anyone in this thread helping people, regardless of what dani's intentions were for. It doesn't belong.
Also, even though he didn't name any names, some in this thread can probably figure it out themselves.
I am lucky to have a part-time job that I get to be active at work. It seriously is one of the biggest factors in getting my mood up and keeping it from slipping into down-in-the-dumps-i-hate-everything. I hope it makes you feel a better, even if just a little.
Dude guy. You're understandable hurt by and upset with someone who has a mental illness. You can be upset by it all you want, I empathize, but in the end if you choose to give yourself to someone with these kind of problems there is always the chance that the whole task can become a time-and-energy black hole that ends in rejection. Some people just can't see what is good for them or can help them. I had a family member who took all my childhood and teen years away from me because I had to look out for them and take care of things around the house instead. It took me close to 20 years to really understand and come to terms with the fact that there was no point in blaming myself or them; they were sick and for whatever reason they were too far gone for me to do anything about it or change things for the better. No matter how much I did out of love or familial responsibility.
So it looks like I'm actually ruining the one good thing I had going for myself with this shit, too - my education. Just great. If I believed in god I'd be praying so hard to just pass this course now, don't even care about a dropping GPA anymore.
Fuck.
Fuck.
ImpassionateGods
Member
I was just wondering, how do you know concretely that you have depression? I'm not going to go into my issues here, because it makes me feel pathetic and I don't have the time anyway, but my actions and my sense of self-worth have been on a downward slope since about a year ago, and when I talk on the phone with my mom, she tells me I need to see a therapist. But I've seen other people talk about their battles with depression and I don't feel like I have the right to say I'm suffering anything of the sort. I just want to know if there's actually something chemically wrong with my brain, or if I'm still in the realm of normal misery.
For me, I went to my campus counselling center. They have counselling, and advise about whether medicine is appropriate and set me up with a psychiatrist when they decided it was.
They had me do a few interviews and a number of tests where I had to fill out about my thoughts and feelings and what I'm going through. They diagnosed me from that.
Hey dere, I've posted before in this topic about my situation, but I figure I would post again, maybe as a 2013 edition, or to get some rooted honesty on me, my situation, what I think, and what I want. So, for all of those reading this, I only ask that you don't laugh at me, but you can be critical of me;
Primarily, my depression comes from two locations, but I guess that's easy to categorize; what I lack depresses me, and what I have depresses me. I'll explain: to me, I think one of the most important things to living, and something I feel society tends to not encompass (or the channels I am around have not) is the importance of others. I have long lived a life of selflessness; paying $50 for a haircut that cost $10, giving homeless people money, denying honors programs at a college the three or so times they came my way because I figured someone else had a better vision for their future, and so on. As such, I want to live a life where I am working to help others. My idea for labor, which again goes against much of modern Western society, is that my work should be impactful to the lives of others. It shouldn't be about stocking inventory, giving people unhealthy meals, or about the silly concept of the human dollar, what I think never loses value is life, and my center is one where I want to use my labor, my body, and my time to make the lives of anyone just a little better every day. That to me is the perfect life, and that has no price tag or income chain. As I've had that way of thinking since my teens, the truth is, despite being 23, I haven't had paying work experience, and this greatly bothers me. Like I said, I don't object to the idea of work, but I cannot feel comfortable with myself just working for money. I can't fucking imagining lying and feigning enthusiasm at a place like Wal-Mart when there are people suffering and they're alone with not a helping hand to turn to, and these people exist all over the fucking world. It brings me to tears.
My solution, or my hopes of finding a solution, has been college. I didn't feel affirmed in wanting to do this for sure until maybe the fall of 2011: at that time, I was taking classes and getting an AAS in Computer Information Systems, and I was very depressed. All of this shit felt like the hamster wheel work I didn't want to do, and I felt that if this is what I had for my future, this is what I had to eke out a living with, I would be fucking miserable. The shining beacon of that time period was only one class wasn't related to computers, and that was philosophy. The professor seemed so happy with what he was teaching, with how his life was, that I became absolutely envious of him, and spoke to him about how I feel, and what I want, which really shined how selfless and considerate of others I seem to be. As you can see, it's been well over a year and I've gotten no major progress, but that sort of leads into what I've gotten that upsets me, and that is to say not much help. Since then, I transferred to a college more suited for my interests (because it had a good psychology course, which is what those at the previous college told me fit my interests most) and it was little hiccup after little hiccup. The day after I received confirmation of my transfer, I was received an email for an internship at a hospice care center, and I thought this was my chance. This was my time to step the fuck up and give all of my energy for another, especially ones who's lives were dimming, but the issue was because I was now labeled as a transfer student, the college wouldn't accept me as the role, as they had to keep their own flock available for it, so I was looked at as a disposable thing. At the other college it didn't help things either. I wasn't able to find any help that would help me accomplish my goals, and I found it troubling. I spoke to personal counselers who I got more out of than the fucking career counselers who seem to play shit by the book. That's something that bothers me; I'm sure with what I lack and what I think I stand out very strangely as a New Yorkian, and I guess that's why it's so hard to find a niche for myself. Some get get it, but those who are in a place to help funnel that have yet been able to help me sharpen and hone my direction, and help map a game plan. It's all been stumbling in the dark.
The story doesn't end there. Since then, and I mentioned this in my last post here, I was planning on moving. That, like my journey so far, has been infuriating with little fucking hills to climb when the big, meaningful shit I want to tackle is so damned far way. We were supposed to be up here in January, and I was ready to take courses at university then, but the filing was pushed back till after that deadline. Then, in February, I lost my mother in law, and as of last month, I lost my grandmother. I feel nothing but fury and sadness to see all of these hurdles and nothing to show for my efforts. Some people I speak to about what I lack literally look at me as a fucking loser, when my intentions are far beyond the scope of monetary gain. I just wish I had an avenue to apply myself. So, here I am asking you all at GAF for help. Currently I'm living in Scranton PA, and this is the first I've ever lived out of a city, and I feel nothing but despair. I feel like I'm living in the middle of nowhere with the future I want, the one with meaning, looking nothing more than genuine fiction. I've since emailed the college again as of last Monday (finally got here last Saturday) and the honest truth is I'm very sad. I'm sad that what I apparently lack is enough for others to judge me, and I fear the avenues I wish to walk down will judge me the same, despite my intent and desire being so furious to me. Outside of 'me' time, the thoughts cross my mind of every day in wanting to help others, people who aren't in my social bubble, and it brings me to tears that something so important to me seems to be impossible for me to find.
Sorry for the rambling, and sorry if you all think I look a loser too, but I felt like letting out my feelings. I do need help to get where I want, and I can only hope the college in question can explicitly funnel me through the motions to get in a place that I can help others. Hopefully nothing about me seems to absurd for you guys, but it is really me and what I think. I hope my intentions outshine what I believe I greatly lack.
Primarily, my depression comes from two locations, but I guess that's easy to categorize; what I lack depresses me, and what I have depresses me. I'll explain: to me, I think one of the most important things to living, and something I feel society tends to not encompass (or the channels I am around have not) is the importance of others. I have long lived a life of selflessness; paying $50 for a haircut that cost $10, giving homeless people money, denying honors programs at a college the three or so times they came my way because I figured someone else had a better vision for their future, and so on. As such, I want to live a life where I am working to help others. My idea for labor, which again goes against much of modern Western society, is that my work should be impactful to the lives of others. It shouldn't be about stocking inventory, giving people unhealthy meals, or about the silly concept of the human dollar, what I think never loses value is life, and my center is one where I want to use my labor, my body, and my time to make the lives of anyone just a little better every day. That to me is the perfect life, and that has no price tag or income chain. As I've had that way of thinking since my teens, the truth is, despite being 23, I haven't had paying work experience, and this greatly bothers me. Like I said, I don't object to the idea of work, but I cannot feel comfortable with myself just working for money. I can't fucking imagining lying and feigning enthusiasm at a place like Wal-Mart when there are people suffering and they're alone with not a helping hand to turn to, and these people exist all over the fucking world. It brings me to tears.
My solution, or my hopes of finding a solution, has been college. I didn't feel affirmed in wanting to do this for sure until maybe the fall of 2011: at that time, I was taking classes and getting an AAS in Computer Information Systems, and I was very depressed. All of this shit felt like the hamster wheel work I didn't want to do, and I felt that if this is what I had for my future, this is what I had to eke out a living with, I would be fucking miserable. The shining beacon of that time period was only one class wasn't related to computers, and that was philosophy. The professor seemed so happy with what he was teaching, with how his life was, that I became absolutely envious of him, and spoke to him about how I feel, and what I want, which really shined how selfless and considerate of others I seem to be. As you can see, it's been well over a year and I've gotten no major progress, but that sort of leads into what I've gotten that upsets me, and that is to say not much help. Since then, I transferred to a college more suited for my interests (because it had a good psychology course, which is what those at the previous college told me fit my interests most) and it was little hiccup after little hiccup. The day after I received confirmation of my transfer, I was received an email for an internship at a hospice care center, and I thought this was my chance. This was my time to step the fuck up and give all of my energy for another, especially ones who's lives were dimming, but the issue was because I was now labeled as a transfer student, the college wouldn't accept me as the role, as they had to keep their own flock available for it, so I was looked at as a disposable thing. At the other college it didn't help things either. I wasn't able to find any help that would help me accomplish my goals, and I found it troubling. I spoke to personal counselers who I got more out of than the fucking career counselers who seem to play shit by the book. That's something that bothers me; I'm sure with what I lack and what I think I stand out very strangely as a New Yorkian, and I guess that's why it's so hard to find a niche for myself. Some get get it, but those who are in a place to help funnel that have yet been able to help me sharpen and hone my direction, and help map a game plan. It's all been stumbling in the dark.
The story doesn't end there. Since then, and I mentioned this in my last post here, I was planning on moving. That, like my journey so far, has been infuriating with little fucking hills to climb when the big, meaningful shit I want to tackle is so damned far way. We were supposed to be up here in January, and I was ready to take courses at university then, but the filing was pushed back till after that deadline. Then, in February, I lost my mother in law, and as of last month, I lost my grandmother. I feel nothing but fury and sadness to see all of these hurdles and nothing to show for my efforts. Some people I speak to about what I lack literally look at me as a fucking loser, when my intentions are far beyond the scope of monetary gain. I just wish I had an avenue to apply myself. So, here I am asking you all at GAF for help. Currently I'm living in Scranton PA, and this is the first I've ever lived out of a city, and I feel nothing but despair. I feel like I'm living in the middle of nowhere with the future I want, the one with meaning, looking nothing more than genuine fiction. I've since emailed the college again as of last Monday (finally got here last Saturday) and the honest truth is I'm very sad. I'm sad that what I apparently lack is enough for others to judge me, and I fear the avenues I wish to walk down will judge me the same, despite my intent and desire being so furious to me. Outside of 'me' time, the thoughts cross my mind of every day in wanting to help others, people who aren't in my social bubble, and it brings me to tears that something so important to me seems to be impossible for me to find.
Sorry for the rambling, and sorry if you all think I look a loser too, but I felt like letting out my feelings. I do need help to get where I want, and I can only hope the college in question can explicitly funnel me through the motions to get in a place that I can help others. Hopefully nothing about me seems to absurd for you guys, but it is really me and what I think. I hope my intentions outshine what I believe I greatly lack.
Thanks to dani_dc for not naming the person outright. Just, please, if anyone knows who he is talking about, do not say.
I sent you a steam request, dani_dc. I'm DrKatz. I obviously know the person you're talking about, and count that person as a friend. I'm still happy to talk to you, too, and I respect people's privacy - I won't talk to the two of you about what the other says.
I haven't. I'm almost 24 and I've never even kissed anyone before.
- Status