A very good friend of mine is cheating on her husband and I don't know what to do...

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cartoon_soldier

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Warning, maybe live journalish.

A very good friend of mine, who is also a co-worker is cheating on her husband. She is cheating with another co-worker (who I also considered to be a good friend). I found out they made plans to ditch me at an after work happy hour (that went into late night) in front of my eyes and thought I was too stupid to realize what was going on.

Now, I am/was very close to their family. I have spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them for the last 4 years. I know her kids, her mom stays with them and looks after me like an adopted son. I have had to pretty much stop visiting them because it pains me to look at her kids and family and wonder why someone would put all this at risk.

I also feel very bad for the husband. He trusts her wife completely, and I now know all the lies he is being told to continue this affair. I used to play Poker with him every Monday, but I had to stop that too.

Even worse is being at work and hearing statements like how lucky her husband is to have her as a wife. How she and her husband trust each other completely and don't hide anything. Or, how she feels bad for another co-worker's husband because that co-worker cheats on him. Two weeks back, she actually missed her daughter's cheering practice and her Son's football game so she could continue this after another work happy hour.

I am leaving work and the US and going back to India this December. I realized it was not possible for me to continue working with these two people knowing what was going on and instead of trying to find a new job while on Green Card processing, I could go home and look after our family business.

She knows, I know about the affair and she is continuing with it because she doesn't believe I would tell anyone.

I don't know whether I should tell her Husband or not. On one hand, it would seem like I should stay out of it. On another hand, if my wife (future) was taking advantage of my trust in her this way and someone knew about it I would want them to tell me.

What do you say GAF?
 
You're going to be told to mind your own business.

I say fuck that. Tell the husband. He deserves to know the truth.
 
Vintage_Creep said:
Are you absolutely sure she's doing it?
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Yes. 100% sure.

Stet said:
If she's as good a friend as you say, talk to her about it?
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Not up front. But we both know what is going on, and she hasn't stopped. I have also realized subsequently, she may not have been the person who I thought she was all along. When she realized I knew about this, lies were spread about me to a few people around the office.

FACE said:
Mind your own business.
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If your wife/SO was doing something like this, wouldn't you want to know? I have know this for 3 months now and haven't said a single word to anyone. But I feel more and more bad for the husband every week.
 
When my friends are acting like assholes, I tend to call them out on it. I'd probably try to talk to her about why she's being such a jerk.

Dropping the bomb directly on the hubby might not be the best thing to do, though.
 
cartoon_soldier said:
Not up front. But we both know what is going on, and she hasn't stopped. I have also realized subsequently, she may not have been the person who I thought she was all along. When she realized I knew about this, lies were spread about me to a few people around the office.
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Well, if what you say is true it doesn't sound like you're very good friends to begin with. If I saw a friend of mine doing something that would likely have a negative impact on his or her life, I'd talk to them about it up front. Not in an accusatory way, but to let them know that it's not cool and you want to know what they plan to do about it.
 
Are you his friend also?

Either way, you need to talk to her about it. No matter what you choose to do, if she's your friend, talk to her about it. Ultimately, do what feels right for you given the situation, but be sure to think it over, talk to her, and others.
 
Tell the husband anonymously. If my wife was cheating I would hope somebody would fucking tell me instead of "minding their own business".
 
Maybe you can talk to her? Tell her that you think it's absolutely horrible what she is doing and that you even consider telling her husband.
 
Who knows what's going on in their private life. Say he's abusive, or just isn't interested in her anymore. If you were having an affair would you want a coworker getting into your business?

Leave it alone. Live your life. It'll work out.
 
People saying "mind your business" is mind-blowing to me.

Of course, I think that it would be unwise for you to insert yourself between the two of them by confronting her husband or something wild like that. But if you're as close to your co-worker (the woman) as you're suggesting, then surely you have good grounds for speaking to her about it.

There's nothing wrong with one friend telling another friend that what they're doing is immoral, dangerous, hurtful, etc. And in a case like this, I think it would be irresponsible not to say something. I'd approach the conversation with an open-mind: you could be wrong about what you suspect, and even if you're right there may be more than meets the eye. Don't make accusations. But, as a close friend, you can and should inquire if you think that she's doing something this grievously wrong. If your beliefs are true, and if you have an open conversation about it all, and if it turns out that things are as simple as you think, then you should insist that she begins remedying the situation.

Now, it may well turn out that she refuses to speak to you about it, tells you to mind your business, or denies it. In that case, arguably, the best thing you can do is keep your mouth closed and mind your business. But I think it would a mistake to skip right to that step.
 
I think you should tell the husband. Sounds like you're pretty close to him too. Better for him to know now so they can either work on things or move on with their lives. Keeping up a farce is useless.
 
cartoon_soldier said:
Yes. 100% sure.



Not up front. But we both know what is going on, and she hasn't stopped. I have also realized subsequently, she may not have been the person who I thought she was all along. When she realized I knew about this, lies were spread about me to a few people around the office.



If your wife/SO was doing something like this, wouldn't you want to know? I have know this for 3 months now and haven't said a single word to anyone. But I feel more and more bad for the husband every week.
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So not only she's cheating the husband but she's spreading lie about you? Fuck that. She's a bad person and the husband doesn't deserve that. Tell him.
 
Welcome to America.

Not every relationship is of the traditional type, and yes, women are allowed to make plans with male friends.

For all you know, the relationship is the only reason the marriage still works.

Stay the fuck out.
 
It's not your business to tell her husband. But I think you're within your rights to talk to her directly about it, especially if you don't mind losing her as a friend.
 
If she denies it she's going to do so by making you the bad guy. You don't get to tell the husband and have some happy ending.

She either lies and blames you, and you lose two friends. Or she actually admits it and your news tears a family apart.

No scenario is good, it all sucks, and by interacting with it you're only going to make yourself a player in other people's drama.
 
How about asking "none of your business" gaf this question? If a good friend of yours caught your SO cheating on you, would you want to be told or would you want to remain none the wiser?
 
You shouldn't have told her and just left a note in the guys mailbox or something.

I mean she has kids. How could she do that?
 
You're going to quit your job and leave the country over someone else's relationship? Dafuq.
 
New post:

1) Are you absolutely certain that she's having an affair with this man? Perhaps there's some underlying issues in the marriage and she's looking to him as a friend (or maybe a fuck).

2) Husband deserves to know. Hell anyone deserves to know if they're being royally fucked by their significant other or spouse.
 
I would tell your friends you don't like what they are doing, but telling the husband is not your business imo.
 
The guy deserves to know but it should be on the woman to tell him.

Since she's skipping out on her childrens' events just to screw around, I doubt she will.

I'd tell him and then cut myself off from the woman because she's going to blame you for the resulting turmoil.
 
You will get mostly 'mind your own business' responses here.

I would personally confront her about it and tell my friend, the husband, about it as well without hesitation. It is the ethical thing to do regardless of if it is 'my business.' Fuck the consequences. If you want to screw around, you should have the balls to be upfront with those you are in 'loving' relationships with (spouse, children, family, etc.) and move on and give closure to those relationships before building new ones.
 
Demon Ice said:
You're sure she's having an affair?

Have you seen more than just them making plans?
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She gave me her phone to fix something and yea, I saw the text messages. Guilty, but that made me 100% sure. On top of that, during this happy hour, the guy straight up asked her if he was wearing "Come Fuck Me" shoes, offered to undo her bra, they exchanged text messages in front of me (she told me she was on facebook, but I could see her phone's screen and that was a lie).

Rentahamster said:
By her? Are you sure about this? That it was directly traceable to her? If true, fuck that lady.
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Yes, she got drunk and blacked out at a company party. I received some info from people there about some things that were said. She blacked out and doesn't remember a thing.
 
Mind your own business.

At most, talk to her.

But otherwise mind your own business. If you respect whatever their relationship currently is, forcing them to confront it at your personal whim will not help.
 
Clegg said:
You're going to be told to mind your own business.

I say fuck that. Tell the husband. He deserves to know the truth.
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I totally agree. I mean it's not like she's a coworker and that's it. The OP said multiple times that he's a very close friend of both the husband and the wife. Imho, not informing the husband or AT LEAST try to convince the wife to come clean with it by herself (by telling the husband obviously), it's doing a disservice to the family involved.
If I found out one of my friend's girlfriend/wife was cheating on him, I think I would tell him. Unless, well, she's cheating him with me
lol
 
I'd say confront her but that could end up screwing yourself over in the workplace and with her husband if she got to him first. Tell him, anonymously or not, as long as your 100% sure then no one deserves to be stuck not knowing they are being cheated on.

They might sort it out, but she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, no one should have to be stuck living with a lie of a relationship, kids or not.

If you can get some sort of evidence, as like I said she would probably be quite happy to fuck you over in the workplace or with friends so as not to be found out.
 
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