A very good friend of mine is cheating on her husband and I don't know what to do...

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I'd want my friends to tell me at the time. Has happened in the past and everyone knew but me so it came as a bit of a shock a few years later when they decided to let me in on it.
 
jamesinclair said:
Welcome to America.

Not every relationship is of the traditional type, and yes, women are allowed to make plans with male friends.

For all you know, the relationship is the only reason the marriage still works.

Stay the fuck out.
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Not sure what you mean by this. I'm pretty sure there are affairs and non-traditonal relationships in India too.

Also, I don't know, any woman who blows off her kids functions to see a guy after 'happy hour' at work isn't just making plans with friends.

But I agree OP, stay out of it and count your blessings. Don't get involved, don't bring the negativity into your own life.

I'm curious, what kind of company you worked for in the states and where you're from in India.
 
meltingparappa said:
Mind your own business.

At most, talk to her.

But otherwise mind your own business. If you respect whatever their relationship currently is, forcing them to confront it at your personal whim will not help.
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Someone deserves to know if their SO is cheating on them. If a mutual friend sees someones SO cheating tell the person. Not telling them is contributing to the cheating.
 
If you know the husband, tell him. If I were the husband, I would like to have someone tell me if my wife is having an affair. Having said that, she doesn't sound like a person that you should be friends with. Someone who spreads lies about you and has an affair despite you knowing has poor character and likely doesn't think much of you.

Friend or no friend, if she treats her husband like that, imagine what she thinks of you.

Fuck her. Tell the husband. No husband/wife should have to go through that.

EDIT: This is assuming you are absolutely certain that she is cheating on her husband.
 
iceDragon7 said:
How about asking "none of your business" gaf this question? If a good friend of yours caught your SO cheating on you, would you want to be told or would you want to remain none the wiser?
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Most people who are cheated on go into denial. This dude is putting himself into the middle of a painful family drama and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Just tears.

You guys think this husband is going to just stop and say, "Oh thanks, friend!"?

Whatever. OP asked for advice, I'm giving it. How many people out there telling him not to mind his own business have actually gone thru the situation?
 
Tell the husband. Usually I am in the "mind your business" boat, but not in this situation. When they divorce he's going to have to choose between one of the two anyway so he may as well do it now.
 
I would like to know. I guess most people would like to know. But maybe he doesn't want to know, or maybe he already knows.

Shitty situation all around.
 
Your only evidence of this 'relationship' is this:

I found out they made plans to ditch me at an after work happy hour (that went into late night) in front of my eyes and thought I was too stupid to realize what was going on.
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So, unless you've seen something more concrete than that, you haven't seen shit.


If this is a serious affair, the husband is going to find out eventually. People that cheat eventually succumb to the guilt and tell their SO or intentionally get found out.
 
Lets go through your options and get lets get some revengeance.

If you confront the co-worker directly he'll probably scoff or deny and nothing will change or they will be more discrete or worse you'll cause problems for yourself at the office.

If you confront her directly she probably won't stop and instead be more discrete.

If you tell the husband he might not believe you because honestly who would WANT to believe that?

Therefore your only option is...tell the kids, and have them go up to their mom with their bright eyes and be all like "mom are you cheating on dad? I don't want you two to get a divorce!" Only a soulless person would continue cheating on her husband after that.

But seriously, just tell her you're going to tell the husband, and then when she claims that she'll stop if you don't tell him, agree and then tell him anyways.
 
Rent a billboard along the husband's commute and put "[wife's first name] is cheating on you" on it in large print.
 
Normally I'd say mind your own business but if both of them are your friends and you actually have to run away from the country just to escape knowledge of adultery AND you'll probably get fingered as the tattletale, just hire a private investigator to collect the evidence and send it to the husband anonymously.
 
This is why I'm not friends with my coworkers.

So here's the thing, OP: Is telling the husband worth your job? Because that's what's on the line. You insert yourself in someone else's intimate business like that and it's a coworker you don't think she isn't gonna do everything she can to get you fired? You don't think the dude she's fucking who's ALSO a coworker wouldn't do the same?

Look, I understand the "do the right thing by the husband" talk on GAF. But in the real world there can be real consequences to doing that.

So think it through. Personally? Cheating isn't a crime and I"m not obligated to get involved. And I wouldn't. Because no matter what happens I'm gonna be the bad guy. To everyone involved. Including the husband. She'll tell him you're just jealous and have been trying to get in her panties. She'll lie. And he WILL believe it. He has to. You think he just gonna let his marriage be flipped upside down on your word?

Now consider your job. This is your paper, your bread, how you pay the bills. Can you AFFORD this type of complication? Can you risk it? I can't. I wouldn't let anything fuck with my ability to make my bread.
 
Solideliquid said:
Who knows what's going on in their private life. Say he's abusive, or just isn't interested in her anymore. If you were having an affair would you want a coworker getting into your business?

Leave it alone. Live your life. It'll work out.
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Going by the OP's reaction to all this, I very much doubt that he's the affair kind of guy.
 
A lot of people view me as the resident cynic here, but some of the responses in here make me look like an angel. I think it's safe to say that this thread is proof that people want to be completely oblivious to the world around them.

He would be doing the man a bit of courtesy if he's 100% positive she's cheating on him. If the husband shrugs his shoulders at that juicy piece of news then drop both of them completely.
 
cartoon_soldier said:
Not up front. But we both know what is going on, and she hasn't stopped. I have also realized subsequently, she may not have been the person who I thought she was all along. When she realized I knew about this, lies were spread about me to a few people around the office.
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Putting the husband aside for a moment, you're going to have to elaborate on this.

Because if it's getting to the point where she's willing to destroy your career over what is essentially a hunch on your part (and this is even before confronting her directly about it), all bets might be off; not doing anything may lead her to spreading more and more lies in her fit of paranoia about the situation and then you really would be the losing one despite not even doing anything wrong.
 
TruthJunky said:
People saying "mind your business" is mind-blowing to me.

Of course, I think that it would be unwise for you to insert yourself between the two of them by confronting her husband or something wild like that. But if you're as close to your co-worker (the woman) as you're suggesting, then surely you have good grounds for speaking to her about it.

There's nothing wrong with one friend telling another friend that what they're doing is immoral, dangerous, hurtful, etc. And in a case like this, I think it would be irresponsible not to say something. I'd approach the conversation with an open-mind: you could be wrong about what you suspect, and even if you're right there may be more than meets the eye. Don't make accusations. But, as a close friend, you can and should inquire if you think that she's doing something this grievously wrong. If your beliefs are true, and if you have an open conversation about it all, and if it turns out that things are as simple as you think, then you should insist that she begins remedying the situation.

Now, it may well turn out that she refuses to speak to you about it, tells you to mind your business, or denies it. In that case, arguably, the best thing you can do is keep your mouth closed and mind your business. But I think it would a mistake to skip right to that step.
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Absolutely agreed. This is the least action I could possibly be convinced to take. In other contexts, more might be required; for example, I would absolutely want to know that my wife was cheating on me and consider the truth considerably more valuable than my privacy. In my case, I would be upset with my friend if he did not tell me and allowed me to continue living a lie, but I understand this may vary by person.
 
Talk to her, about it.

And if i guess in some extreme case the husband.

I have no idea what these mind your business people is on
 
You're going to quit your job and leave the country over someone else's relationship? Dafuq.
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No, it's a long explanation, that was a short one. When all this happened, my biggest fear was me being deployed to a project with these individuals, that would just be awkward for me. The team of us 3 was considered the "Dream Team" at work and we get big projects where we have to travel together. Now, imagine how awkward it would make you feel realizing you are just the 3rd wheel? On top of that, these are two people I was good friends with in the city.

My dad has a very good business in India (think 150k+ a year and how far that goes in India compared to US). I was already under pressure to make a decision of whether I want to stay in US or return back to India. I didn't really care of switching to another job or position within the company. The job was becoming very stressful too (working 60 hours a week), and so I decided going back to the comfort of my home in India is the best decision I can make.

I will continue working for the company part time in another role (20 hours a week) from India, while starting to take part in my Dad's business.

I am happy with my overall decision here from that perspective.
 
ThisWreckage said:
A lot of people view me as the resident cynic here, but some of the responses in here make me look like an angel. I think it's safe to say that this thread is proof that people want to be completely oblivious to the world around them.

He would be doing the man a bit of courtesy if he's 100% positive she's cheating on him. If the husband shrugs his shoulders at that juicy piece of news then drop both of them completely.
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Or, they just recognise that the messenger gets shot, and sometimes people will ignore the message to protect themselves.

"She's cheating on you!"

"No I'm not, that slimy bastard came on to me and I knocked him back. This is his revenge"

"I love you honey. I'll be back for a kiss after I've finished pasting the OP. Be sure to get him sacked on Monday".
 
Stay out of it its not your place....It sounds like you have more invested in this though then you are saying. If you want to get back at the women somehow just sleep with some other coworker and in passing tell her some work gossip..that a marred women with young kids is cheating on her husband at work. It will spread like wild fire and she will probably up and leave that job in no time...but really just move on from these people
 
You know, it's probably not as if she knows what she's doing is wrong.

Getting a lecture from someone trying to morally blackmail her will prooooobably make her defensive, which gets even messier in the workplace.
 
cartoon_soldier said:
Warning, maybe live journalish.

A very good friend of mine, who is also a co-worker is cheating on her husband. She is cheating with another co-worker (who I also considered to be a good friend). I found out they made plans to ditch me at an after work happy hour (that went into late night) in front of my eyes and thought I was too stupid to realize what was going on.

Now, I am/was very close to their family. I have spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them for the last 4 years. I know her kids, her mom stays with them and looks after me like an adopted son. I have had to pretty much stop visiting them because it pains me to look at her kids and family and wonder why someone would put all this at risk.

I also feel very bad for the husband. He trusts her wife completely, and I now know all the lies he is being told to continue this affair. I used to play Poker with him every Monday, but I had to stop that too.

Even worse is being at work and hearing statements like how lucky her husband is to have her as a wife. How she and her husband trust each other completely and don't hide anything. Or, how she feels bad for another co-worker's husband because that co-worker cheats on him. Two weeks back, she actually missed her daughter's cheering practice and her Son's football game so she could continue this after another work happy hour.

I am leaving work and the US and going back to India this December. I realized it was not possible for me to continue working with these two people knowing what was going on and instead of trying to find a new job while on Green Card processing, I could go home and look after our family business.

She knows, I know about the affair and she is continuing with it because she doesn't believe I would tell anyone.

I don't know whether I should tell her Husband or not. On one hand, it would seem like I should stay out of it. On another hand, if my wife (future) was taking advantage of my trust in her this way and someone knew about it I would want them to tell me.

What do you say GAF?
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Are you desi and is this friend desi too ?
 
Tell the husband (either directly or indirectly if you don't feel comfortable with a direct encounter with as much information as you can) and then allow him to follow as he sees fit. If anything it will open his eyes to behaviour he othewise might have dismissed if he is very trusting. If lies were being spread about you as soon as it was known you knew then that should tell you want type of person she is. If it's bothering so much you can't stand to look the kids in the eye and be around the husband then it's going to continue to eat away at you even once you leave. It's their personal life but you clearly are invested enough emotionally that this is bothering you. Forget those saying not say anything. If she is cheating she is actually putting the husband at risk heath wise. It will impact the kids as well as you said she is already putting the affair first to the point to miss out on events for the kids. This is behavior that will likely tear the marriage and family apart anyway. If that is what the end result is then let it happen sooner rather then later.

The bigger issue for you is her willing to ruin your life to keep her secret. To simply discredit you it seems if you were to say something. At that point you don't own anything to her I feel and simply talking to her isn't going to change what she's doing.
 
Solideliquid said:
Who knows what's going on in their private life. Say he's abusive, or just isn't interested in her anymore. If you were having an affair would you want a coworker getting into your business?

Leave it alone. Live your life. It'll work out.
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How bout not having an affair. What a fucked up scenario you propose.

OP, you should absolutely talk to someone about this. If you don't feel comfortable going to the husband directly, then talk to one or both of the participants and tell them you're going to talk to the husband if they continue things.
 
Effect said:
The bigger issue for you is her willing to ruin your life to keep her secret. To simply discredit you it seems if you were to say something. At that point you don't own anything to her I feel.
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Depending on what rumors/lies she spread about the OP, he probably shouldn't even feel he owes anything to her now.
 
Talk to her first and giver her a chance to make things right by herself. If she doesn't, tell him yourself.

All this "mind your own business" bullshit is exactly the type of crap that makes me hate the individualist mentality in the US.
 
SmokyDave said:
Or, they just recognise that the messenger gets shot, and sometimes people will ignore the message to protect themselves.

"She's cheating on you!"

"No I'm not, that slimy bastard came on to me and I knocked him back. This is his revenge"

"I love you honey. I'll be back for a kiss after I've finished pasting the OP. Be sure to get him sacked on Monday".
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This doesn't invalidate what I said. If the husband wants to believe her in that scenario even though he took the time to forewarn him then the cheater and the willful moron should be left alone to their own devices.
 
If I were to say anything it would be to the co-worker and not the husband. Not that I wouldn't want to know if I were the husband, but I think if there is any chance of this being fixed, he has to find out from her. Sounds like she is not very good at covering it up though so he's going to find out sooner or later.
 
ThisWreckage said:
A lot of people view me as the resident cynic here, but some of the responses in here make me look like an angel. I think it's safe to say that this thread is proof that people want to be completely oblivious to the world around them.

He would be doing the man a bit of courtesy if he's 100% positive she's cheating on him. If the husband shrugs his shoulders at that juicy piece of news then drop both of them completely.
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There is being oblivious, and there is inviting others troubles on yourself.
 
You can't DO anything. She's going to do what she's going to do. You just sit there and be a good friend and listen to her bullshit stories. If she asks you what to do, then you can express your feelings about the situation, but other than that, stay out of it. However, don't lie for her. If she asks you to cover for her or something of that nature, just tell her you want no part of it.
 
Maninthemirror said:
Are you desi and is this friend desi too ?
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I am desi. The friends in question are white.

It is strange. My parents always told me that they are glad I have a good friend but that I should have more desi friends. I told them, these people are different from their idea of Americans. I guess they were right and I was wrong lol

You know, it's probably not as if she knows what she's doing is wrong.

Getting a lecture from someone trying to morally blackmail her will prooooobably make her defensive, which gets even messier in the workplace.
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My problem with confronting her is the fact she has already spread lies about me and she has continued the affair after knowing I knew about it. So, she doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing. I am sure if I confront her she will just tell me to stay out of her personal business.
 
Village said:
I have no idea what these mind your business people is on
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He does not have concrete proof.
Doesn't have an active relationship with the husband.
Has absolutely nothing to gain from passing along this information.


So, why even expose yourself to this situation and the incredible drama it could cause if you have one foot out the door already? There is only bad that can come from him inserting himself into it (as is already the case with all the bad-mouthing he is currently receiving).
 
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