ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OKAY LET'S GO.
NOW, YOU FOLKS KNOW I HATE SPOILERS. SOMEBODY TRIED TO TELL ME THE END OF THE HOCKEY SWEATER AN' I SOCKED 'EM IN THE MOUTH AN' SAID, "DON'T BE TELLIN' ME THE END OF THIS BOOK, EH. I'M TAKIN' IT A PAGE AT A TIME." WHAT I HATE MORE THAN SPOILERS? LIES. WALKIN' 'ROUND IN SOCHI, I GOT PEOPLE TELLIN' ME, "HEY DON, THEY AIN'T SOVIETS, AN' THEY DON'T WASH THEIR HANDS WITH STALIN'S URINE." NEXT THING YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME IS IT'S ILLEGAL TO BE A HOMERSEXUAL IN THE SOVIET UNION. GOOD LUCK PRAYIN' THOSE GAYS AWAY, EH.
ANYWAY, I WANNA TALK 'BOUT RUSSIA'S LOSS, EH. YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL YOU FOLKS: THEM RUSSIANS AIN'T GOT HEARTS. THEY'RE COMMIES. THEY WEAR VISORS. AN' THEY'RE CLASSLESS. I ONCE SAW A DRAWIN' THIS KID DREW OF A RUSSIAN, AN' HE DREW 'EM WITHOUT A HEART. LITERALLY A VOID WHERE YOUR HEART'S S'POST'A BE. AN' I HEARD A BUNCHA RUSSIANS HERE IN SOCHI SPEAKIN' IN A FUNNY LANGUAGE, EH. THEY AIN'T SPEAKIN' ENGLISH. AN' IF YOU AIN'T SPEAKIN' ENGLISH, YOU'RE SPEAKIN' COMMIE, I ALWAYS SAY, EH. THEY LIKE THEM VISORS, TOO, EH. "LOOK AT ME, I'M A COMMUNIST AN' I LIKE TO PROTECT MY EYES FROM HARM." BACK IN MY DAY, WE AIN'T EVEN WEARIN' HELMETS, EH. AN' YOU KNOW FOLKS HOW CLASSLESS THESE PEOPLE ARE, EH. I BETCHA THEY AIN'T EVEN ATTENDED CLASSES TO BEGIN WITH. THAT DOUBLE DEFECTIN' RADULOV HAS THAT EMPTY LOOK TO HIM, EH.
THEY LOST 'CAUSE THEY AIN'T CANADIAN, EH. ONLY REASON YOU GOT OVECHKIN, MALKIN, DATSOOK, KOVYCHUCKS, AN' A BUNCHA OTHER RUSSIANS HAVE SUCCESS IN THE NHL IS 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN' WITH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS. PRAYIN' THE COMMUNISM AWAY AN' ALL, EH. SOME GUYS LIKE RADULOV CAN'T HANDLE IT, AN' OTHERS LIKE KOVYCHUCKS ARE SPIES THAT'RE PROGRAMMED TO RETURN TO THE MOTHERLAND AN' REPORT TO THE KREMLIN, EH. JUST YOU WATCH: GOLLYCHENNIK IN MONTREAL IS GONNA SUDDENLY RETIRE AN' RETURN TO THE SOVIETS AN' SHARE OUR CANADIAN SECRETS, EH.
LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, WASHIN' MY HANDS WITH GOOD CANADIAN WATER ('CAUSE I AIN'T WASHIN' MY HANDS WITH STALIN'S URINE, EH), AN' I SEE A BUNCHA RUSSIANS WALK IN A STALL - THEY AIN'T GOT DOORS, 'CAUSE THEY'RE EMBARRASSIN' LIKE THAT - ANYWAY, THEY GET IN, AN' SAT DOWN ON THE TOILET AN' DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'. NO NEWSPAPER, NO CROSSWORD, JUST SAT THERE AN' TOOK A DEUCE. I WAS STEAMED, LET ME TELL YOU. I ALWAYS TAKE A CROSSWORD WITH ME, EH. GOOD CANADIAN KIDS LIKE SIDNEY CROSBY, JONNY TOEWS, AN' CHRIS COKUNITZ WALKED IN WITH DOORS IN THEIR HANDS, PUT A DOOR ON THEIR STALL, GO IN, LEFT THE DOOR OPEN AN' TOOK OUT THE TORONTO STAR AN' STARTED READIN' WHILE TAKIN' A DEUCE, EH. THEIR POOPS DROPPED ON THE TOILET TO THE TUNE OF "O CANADA", EH. I STARTED TEARIN' UP WHILE I WAS SINGIN' THE ANTHEM. THOSE RUSSIANS WERE SO ASHAMED, THEY FORGOT TO WIPE, AN' PLAYED AGAINST FINLAND AN' LOST, EH.
BOBBY WOULDA BEEN SO PROUD, EH. GOD LOVE 'EM.
NOW, YOU FOLKS KNOW I HATE SPOILERS. SOMEBODY TRIED TO TELL ME THE END OF THE HOCKEY SWEATER AN' I SOCKED 'EM IN THE MOUTH AN' SAID, "DON'T BE TELLIN' ME THE END OF THIS BOOK, EH. I'M TAKIN' IT A PAGE AT A TIME." WHAT I HATE MORE THAN SPOILERS? LIES. WALKIN' 'ROUND IN SOCHI, I GOT PEOPLE TELLIN' ME, "HEY DON, THEY AIN'T SOVIETS, AN' THEY DON'T WASH THEIR HANDS WITH STALIN'S URINE." NEXT THING YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME IS IT'S ILLEGAL TO BE A HOMERSEXUAL IN THE SOVIET UNION. GOOD LUCK PRAYIN' THOSE GAYS AWAY, EH.
ANYWAY, I WANNA TALK 'BOUT RUSSIA'S LOSS, EH. YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL YOU FOLKS: THEM RUSSIANS AIN'T GOT HEARTS. THEY'RE COMMIES. THEY WEAR VISORS. AN' THEY'RE CLASSLESS. I ONCE SAW A DRAWIN' THIS KID DREW OF A RUSSIAN, AN' HE DREW 'EM WITHOUT A HEART. LITERALLY A VOID WHERE YOUR HEART'S S'POST'A BE. AN' I HEARD A BUNCHA RUSSIANS HERE IN SOCHI SPEAKIN' IN A FUNNY LANGUAGE, EH. THEY AIN'T SPEAKIN' ENGLISH. AN' IF YOU AIN'T SPEAKIN' ENGLISH, YOU'RE SPEAKIN' COMMIE, I ALWAYS SAY, EH. THEY LIKE THEM VISORS, TOO, EH. "LOOK AT ME, I'M A COMMUNIST AN' I LIKE TO PROTECT MY EYES FROM HARM." BACK IN MY DAY, WE AIN'T EVEN WEARIN' HELMETS, EH. AN' YOU KNOW FOLKS HOW CLASSLESS THESE PEOPLE ARE, EH. I BETCHA THEY AIN'T EVEN ATTENDED CLASSES TO BEGIN WITH. THAT DOUBLE DEFECTIN' RADULOV HAS THAT EMPTY LOOK TO HIM, EH.
THEY LOST 'CAUSE THEY AIN'T CANADIAN, EH. ONLY REASON YOU GOT OVECHKIN, MALKIN, DATSOOK, KOVYCHUCKS, AN' A BUNCHA OTHER RUSSIANS HAVE SUCCESS IN THE NHL IS 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN' WITH GOOD CANADIAN KIDS. PRAYIN' THE COMMUNISM AWAY AN' ALL, EH. SOME GUYS LIKE RADULOV CAN'T HANDLE IT, AN' OTHERS LIKE KOVYCHUCKS ARE SPIES THAT'RE PROGRAMMED TO RETURN TO THE MOTHERLAND AN' REPORT TO THE KREMLIN, EH. JUST YOU WATCH: GOLLYCHENNIK IN MONTREAL IS GONNA SUDDENLY RETIRE AN' RETURN TO THE SOVIETS AN' SHARE OUR CANADIAN SECRETS, EH.
LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, WASHIN' MY HANDS WITH GOOD CANADIAN WATER ('CAUSE I AIN'T WASHIN' MY HANDS WITH STALIN'S URINE, EH), AN' I SEE A BUNCHA RUSSIANS WALK IN A STALL - THEY AIN'T GOT DOORS, 'CAUSE THEY'RE EMBARRASSIN' LIKE THAT - ANYWAY, THEY GET IN, AN' SAT DOWN ON THE TOILET AN' DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'. NO NEWSPAPER, NO CROSSWORD, JUST SAT THERE AN' TOOK A DEUCE. I WAS STEAMED, LET ME TELL YOU. I ALWAYS TAKE A CROSSWORD WITH ME, EH. GOOD CANADIAN KIDS LIKE SIDNEY CROSBY, JONNY TOEWS, AN' CHRIS COKUNITZ WALKED IN WITH DOORS IN THEIR HANDS, PUT A DOOR ON THEIR STALL, GO IN, LEFT THE DOOR OPEN AN' TOOK OUT THE TORONTO STAR AN' STARTED READIN' WHILE TAKIN' A DEUCE, EH. THEIR POOPS DROPPED ON THE TOILET TO THE TUNE OF "O CANADA", EH. I STARTED TEARIN' UP WHILE I WAS SINGIN' THE ANTHEM. THOSE RUSSIANS WERE SO ASHAMED, THEY FORGOT TO WIPE, AN' PLAYED AGAINST FINLAND AN' LOST, EH.
BOBBY WOULDA BEEN SO PROUD, EH. GOD LOVE 'EM.
