THE WORLD'S MOST USELESS VIDEO GAME IMPRESSIONS:
Syndicate!
- The shooting is fine. Enemies take too many bullets. That is to say, enemies take too many headshots. You know how many headshots they take? More than one!
- Video game shotgun makes a return! I don't know why they bother putting in Video Game Shotguns into video games, it's a whole lot of work for modellers and programmers to make something so fundamentally useless.
- There are so many doors in this game! You know how in most games, doors that you go through to progress have green lights and doors that you can't go through have red lights? In this game, there is no visual difference at all! Some doors you can go through, some you can't. You only know which ones are which by walking into them.
- Some doors require a QTE to open. This QTE takes about five seconds of frantically mashing the "F" key while your in-game character struggles to move a door made out of plywood and nails. In one instance, there were two of these doors in a row, on a crowded, civilian train. How do the civilians get through these fucking doors if a super soldier has to put the entirety of his strength into a sliding door?
- At one point you get a minigun and you shoot at a big drop ship. This sequence goes on for ten minutes. Why, after nine minutes of continuous fire and defeat, did this drop ship stick around? What did it hope to accomplish? I am a single man on top of a train shooting a minigun. If you can not kill me in nine minutes, and in fact, you are on fire, why are you sticking around? Do you feel as if the damage to your pride will outweigh being alive? Well it doesn't matter now because your 10 minutes are up and you just crashed into a 40 story tall building killing thousands of innocent people! Good job.
- The voice acting isn't very good.
- An friend of mine was on a hospital bed table having a seizure. I was prompted by the nurse to hold him back so she could inject him with epipen or something. I waited about five minutes for him to die, but I guess that wasn't good enough as I still managed to press the "F" button just in time for him to not die.
- The boss battles are worse than Deus Ex 3. They're certainly not harder than Deus Ex 3, because in this game you can slow down time and regenerate health while doing so. But that doesn't stop the boss baddies from taking every single bullet in my gun. This was apparently a feature of the boss battle, as there were little robots flying around during the boss battle with guns strapped to their arms. They didn't use the guns, no. They were there so you could ask them nicely to drop the gun on the ground for you to pick up. I am not kidding. That is their entire programmed purpose. In this universe, little flying robots will deliver guns to your feet. Again, I am not joking. It was like a pizza delivery service, but for ammunition and murder. This was an intentionally designed thing in this game because of how much ammo the bosses took to kill. The robots weren't even my allies! They weren't sent from my allies. They were just there. They are now my favourite part of the game, in retrospect.
- You can see your legs when you look down.
- The field of view isn't good at all.
- Instead of having one giant tutorial at the start of the game, when a new mechanic is introduced you are awkwardly and inexplicably transported into Vector Graphics Land to perform "tests". It's a mix between Portal 2 (without the humour, or quality) and Assassin's Creed (Without the Nolan North). When you finish the tutorial, you are immediately transported back to where you were in the mission.
- I have never been so self-aware at how dumb silent protagonists are than when I am playing this game.
- The dystopian cyberpunk neofuturism buzzword dickerpenis is good although you never get a chance to really experience it, because the entirety of the game so far has been inside office buildings shooting identical soldiers in the noggin (multiple times, as mentioned previously; headshots are about as effective as a 1 to 10 star rating system)
The game isn't very good. It is better than Singularity, which is one of the worst video games of whatever year it came out in. It it worse than The Darkness 2, which has to sting considering the company who made Syndicate made the previous Darkness game.
5/5 stars - kritz.net
