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[PlayALLtheGames]

Trying to sum this whole thing up briefly, this is my first year living at college (commuted first two years). My friend's friend hangs at our apartment a lot. I thought "she's really cute, but it probably won't happen", so I was just focused on being friends with her. Beginning of October, my friend tells me she likes me but is too nervous to tell me. Next time I see her, I ask her on a date, she says yes. We try planning something for like two weeks, then she says she feels like now isn't a good time for her to start a relationship. I tell her I understand completely, I'm not mad, etc. I thought this was the end of it and she just didn't want to tell me she's not interested, but my friend insisted that she does still like me, she's just been stressed with a few school related things recently.

Skipping forward about two weeks to Halloween, we're all planning to go to this party my school is having. While we're getting ready, I notice she's a bit more flirty than normal. We leave the apartments to go to the party, and she wraps her arm around mine, so we walk into this thing arm in arm. We hang out at it most of the time, then as we're talking about leaving, she says "I just wanna go watch a movie and cuddle". So we leave and watch a movie at our other friend's apartment because one of my roommates wasn't feeling well. Yesterday she was still a bit flirty when we hung out again.

Should I just ask her what's happening? She can be kind of hard to read sometimes, so I don't want to outright ask her on a date again because if somehow I'm wrong, it might make her uncomfortable.

I think you should take what you get. I think it's obvious she likes you but probably wants to take it slow. On the other hand, you shouldn't feel obligated to wait around. Talk to other girls and see where this goes.

Ideally, it'd be nice if you could ask "what's happening?" and get a straight, mature answer, but people are different and she sounds inexperienced.

if you guys continue to have physical contact and it goes farther, then, after a little while, I think it's reasonable to talk about your status.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I'm actually having some moderate success talking to this woman and I think I'd like to ask her out for something this weekend, which would mean dropping the question today, but I normally don't date or go out at all and I kind of can't really think of any suggestions on what to do or where to go. D:

Off-topic: I also woke up not-depressed today. This is weird. Is this what it feels like for you people all the time?

Yeah, no one ever feels down or depressed. You're completely unique in that.

 

[electricshake]

Yeah, no one ever feels down or depressed. You're completely unique in that.

C'mon now that's not what he's getting at.

Good for you grap3, how about coffee or going for a walk in the park/beach/other scenic location? Depends on weather obvs. Also, a bit late but that pic you posted in the 'do girls like buff guys' thread or whatever it was called looked great. You should be proud of yourself, you have a very nice body (and also face).

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

C'mon now that's not what he's getting at.

Good for you grap3, how about coffee or going for a walk in the park/beach/other scenic location? Depends on weather obvs. Also, a bit late but that pic you posted in the 'do girls like buff guys' thread or whatever it was called looked great. You should be proud of yourself, you have a very nice body (and also face).

It's hard to tell anymore. Most of his posts imply that or outright say it so it's not like I'm reaching with that assumption.

 

[Granadier]

To clarify the situation (from a few pages back):

http://m.neogaf.com/showpost.php?p=136480633

I can not reciprocate, unfortunately. I am just trying to figure out this situation I found myself in. She has done similar things (and some of the general signs like holding my arm) before, which lead to me almost asking her out. I wish had now, in retrospect; it would have helped me get over this.

If you can't reciprocate then you'll either have to allow it to continue or let her know that you don't feel comfortable when she's doing those things.

 

[infinitys_7th]

If you can't reciprocate then you'll either have to allow it to continue or let her know that you don't feel comfortable when she's doing those things.

Am I supposed to reciprocate? Is that acceptable? The guy who answered my first post (admittedly not having this new information) was negative on it. I was more or less going to follow his advice and just stop talking to her.

 

[Dragon]

I had a girl hide behind a pillar instead of telling me she wasn't interested on Sunday...people are strange.

 

[Astral]

I had a girl hide behind a pillar instead of telling me she wasn't interested on Sunday...people are strange.

She was just being shy ugu.

 

[Rollo Tomasi]

Question...I got a girl's number last Friday. I have yet to text her or contact her because of work and other things.

Has my window passed? Is it now too late to reach out to her?

 

[FaintColt388301]

I'm actually having some moderate success talking to this woman and I think I'd like to ask her out for something this weekend, which would mean dropping the question today, but I normally don't date or go out at all and I kind of can't really think of any suggestions on what to do or where to go. D:

Off-topic: I also woke up not-depressed today. This is weird. Is this what it feels like for you people all the time?

C'mon now that's not what he's getting at.

Good for you grap3, how about coffee or going for a walk in the park/beach/other scenic location? Depends on weather obvs. Also, a bit late but that pic you posted in the 'do girls like buff guys' thread or whatever it was called looked great. You should be proud of yourself, you have a very nice body (and also face).

Just looked, I'm surprised. Not a bad looking dude grap3. Hopefully things keep getting better. Good luck with the lady. Just keep it simple like electric is getting at. Also if you can, go somewhere that you feel comfortable.

Question...I got a girl's number last Friday. I have yet to text her or contact her because of work and other things.

Has my window passed? Is it now too late to reach out to her?

Better late than never

 

[GK86]

I'm actually having some moderate success talking to this woman and I think I'd like to ask her out for something this weekend, which would mean dropping the question today, but I normally don't date or go out at all and I kind of can't really think of any suggestions on what to do or where to go. D:

Off-topic: I also woke up not-depressed today. This is weird. Is this what it feels like for you people all the time?

Use your city to your advantage (i.e. cool parks, locations, museums, etc).

Could also go the sure shot, coffee or out for drinks.

 

[electricshake]

Question...I got a girl's number last Friday. I have yet to text her or contact her because of work and other things.

Has my window passed? Is it now too late to reach out to her?

What have you got to lose?

 

[Granadier]

Am I supposed to reciprocate? Is that acceptable? The guy who answered my first post (admittedly not having this new information) was negative on it. I was more or less going to follow his advice and just stop talking to her.

That's what I was referring to.

You don't have to stop talking to her entirely if you can handle it. That would just be mean, since she obviously enjoys conversations with you.

Just let her know that your not comfortable with what you perceive as flirting going on if she is dating someone.

edit: Take all my advice with a big grain of salt. If you don't feel comfortable with it, or if something else feels better for you, go for it.

 

[stn]

I'm actually having some moderate success talking to this woman and I think I'd like to ask her out for something this weekend, which would mean dropping the question today, but I normally don't date or go out at all and I kind of can't really think of any suggestions on what to do or where to go. D:

Off-topic: I also woke up not-depressed today. This is weird. Is this what it feels like for you people all the time?

Dude, okay. Great that you're talking to someone! Just PLEASE try to improve your attitude and tone whenever you can. You always put yourself down at every chance you get, its the main reason you're having bad luck with women. I also remember when you showed me your messages on OKC, I've seen first-hand how you talk to women (at least in text). Its all in your head.

Bro, I need to give you perspective. I saw your pic that electricshake was talking about, I have no idea how a guy with your biceps and chest is having problems with women so often. Well, I DO have an idea, actually. Its because of your attitude. There are tons of superficial women that would date you just based on your body. As for the non-superficial ones, you just need a bit of a decent personality and you'll have the full package.

Start forcing yourself to be happy for EVERYTHING in life. Fake it if you have to. Don't wallow in pity and don't crap on yourself every chance you get. You have the looks part down, all you need now is the personality to back it up.

 

[grap3fruitman]

Yeah, no one ever feels down or depressed. You're completely unique in that.

Your attacks against me might be more meaningful if you actually read what you were quoting. I stated that I woke up not-depressed today. In other words, I normally wake up 364 days out of the year and wish I hadn't. Today? That didn't happen and it took me by surprise.

I was wondering if this was what it was like to be normal. Even my entire work day went by pretty well and without issue despite my having so many problems on my desk. I couldn't stop smiling today. This shit's weird. It's wearing off as I'm posting but yeah... it was a weird experience.

C'mon now that's not what he's getting at.

It actually wasn't! Haha, as I just explained above. Thanks for sticking up for me.

Good for you grap3, how about coffee or going for a walk in the park/beach/other scenic location? Depends on weather obvs. Also, a bit late but that pic you posted in the 'do girls like buff guys' thread or whatever it was called looked great. You should be proud of yourself, you have a very nice body (and also face).

We're like an hour apart in the burbs of Chicago so A) we can't really do any outdoors-y stuff and B) I'd like to do something more significant than just "coffee" or something, especially when you'd consider the commute. Eeek! She just messaged meeee... Oh! And compliments are always welcome.

Use your city to your advantage (i.e. cool parks, locations, museums, etc).
Could also go the sure shot, coffee or out for drinks.

We're in weird locales and I guess what I'm really asking is how do you guys research where to go for dates and stuff? Since I normally don't get out, I honestly have noooo idea of what kind of stuff there is to do.

 

[GK86]

We're like an hour apart in the burbs of Chicago so A) we can't really do any outdoors-y stuff and B) I'd like to do something more significant than just "coffee" or something, especially when you'd consider the commute. Eeek! She just messaged meeee... Oh! And compliments are always welcome.

We're in weird locales and I guess what I'm really asking is how do you guys research where to go for dates and stuff? Since I normally don't get out, I honestly have noooo idea of what kind of stuff there is to do.

Is it difficult to get to downtown area of Chi-town (both of you, I mean)?

General site for ideas.

List of upcoming events in Chi-town.

List of the 25 best things to do in Chi-town.

If getting to the downtown area isn't possible, let me know. I will help you find something.

 

[Granadier]

grap3, just grab some damn coffee.

Meet her halfway at a coffee shop. Ask her to recommend one.

If it's after dark, invite her to drinks instead. But still ask for her recommendation.

 

[grap3fruitman]

I got the "surprise me." I told you guys coffee was lame a few pages back.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Your attacks against me might be more meaningful if you actually read what you were quoting. I stated that I woke up not-depressed today. In other words, I normally wake up 364 days out of the year and wish I hadn't. Today? That didn't happen and it took me by surprise.

I was wondering if this was what it was like to be normal. Even my entire work day went by pretty well and without issue despite my having so many problems on my desk. I couldn't stop smiling today. This shit's weird. It's wearing off as I'm posting but yeah... it was a weird experience.


It actually wasn't! Haha, as I just explained above. Thanks for sticking up for me.


We're like an hour apart in the burbs of Chicago so A) we can't really do any outdoors-y stuff and B) I'd like to do something more significant than just "coffee" or something, especially when you'd consider the commute. Eeek! She just messaged meeee... Oh! And compliments are always welcome.



We're in weird locales and I guess what I'm really asking is how do you guys research where to go for dates and stuff? Since I normally don't get out, I honestly have noooo idea of what kind of stuff there is to do.

I can read just fine, thanks. You made it sound like we feel happy every day. You've used that same logic countless times in this thread. I know that's not what you meant now but again, it's not like some obnoxious leap on my part. I also like how you say attacks, get over yourself dude.

I got the "surprise me." I told you guys coffee was lame a few pages back.

Huh? We're still not sure how coffee is lame. What plans do you have that are better so far? Coffee is extremely common and works well.

 

[Mr Goldenmyer]

Hey guys I'm here asking for a little help. So I've met a new girl on Tinder a while ago and we've been going well for a few weeks now. There's nothing wrong with what we have, we are in that "not together, but together" phase and that's fine, but the thing is this I am just not satisfied or happy with it. She's a great girl and I can tell that she's really into me but I just don't have those strong feelings for her at all. Originally I thought that I only wanted sex but once I got it it wasn't enough I feel like empty. I haven't really felt strongly for someone in a long time, even with my last gf it took us breaking up and starting over for me to actually start loving her. I don't really know what to do to fix this because I don't want to feel this way, I want to actually be in love with the girls I'm with and not have to learn to love them.

I talked to one of my friends about it and he thinks I'm trying to find that "old feeling" I had with my first love in these other girls. He also said that subconsciously, I'm so afraid of getting hurt like I was with my first gf that I've shut those feelings off. I would love to hear what you guys have to say about it though, I want more viewpoints.

 

[infinitys_7th]

That's what I was referring to.

You don't have to stop talking to her entirely if you can handle it. That would just be mean, since she obviously enjoys conversations with you.

Just let her know that your not comfortable with what you perceive as flirting going on if she is dating someone.

edit: Take all my advice with a big grain of salt. If you don't feel comfortable with it, or if something else feels better for you, go for it.

I have thought about it for a while and I think I'll modify your advice a little. I'll just try doing something similar, like putting my arm on the back of her chair while I talk to her. That seems like a friendly and reciprocal action to me.

I am more interested in finding more out about my situation atm. If she is just being friendly, there is not any harm done by me doing that.

Like I said in that earlier post, my feelings are complex right now. I liked her before I knew she was unavailable and it sort of weighs on me. I like talking to her, and I don't think I do anything flirty towards her (I honestly wouldn't know how to if I wanted) but...que sera sera I guess.

 

[Malvolio]

I got the "surprise me." I told you guys coffee was lame a few pages back.

Coffee isn't lame. The date is what the two of you will make of it. Don't make the mistake of trying to create the perfect date, when what really matters is getting a chance to know the other person. Coffee is often suggested because it's cheap, places are plentiful and the date can be continued elsewhere if there's a connection or ended quickly if there is no match.

 

[Gamerloid]

Whoa, I just encountered a plot twist. She's 17 years old...

Interesting...

 

[Maintenance]

Ok, news on the girl that I know, she asked me if I wanted to go out with her and her friends to fulfill their bucket list, with stuff like paintball, kart, etc. I said yes, of course, and she also said that her friends liked me.

 

[Mr Solo Dolo]

Ok, news on the girl that I know, she asked me if I wanted to go out with her and her friends to fulfill their bucket list, with stuff like paintball, kart, etc. I said yes, of course, and she also said that her friends liked me.

Congratulations, you're about to have a threesome or quite possibly an orgy.

 

[Horseticuffs]

So Blue Hair spent six days with me while we were on vacation. We spent a lot of time going for coffee, for food, cycling, taking my kids places. It was a really good time and it was hard not having her there last night. I guess I got used to having her around lol.

It was a great test of our relationship, I think, to spend all that time together. There were no major issues (Shopping for hair dye with her was just awful!) and we both had a good time.

All my old concerns seem silly and I'm glad I didn't say anything. Now I've just got to play it cool and not rush things. We're trying to make thanksgiving plans now but of course work gets in the way.

I really want to thank you guys for the guidance. I'm hoping letting things take their due course will serve me well.

 

[beat]

I got the "surprise me." I told you guys coffee was lame a few pages back.

Hang on.

Did she say "No, coffee is lame, surprise me with something else"? Or did she just say " surprise me " as in "you choose something"? Because I bet it was the latter and you're grossly overthinking this.

That said, for you specifically coffee might really be a bad choice at this time because you're apparently so convinced it'll be a bad idea that it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Maintenance]

Congratulations, you're about to have a threesome or quite possibly an orgy.

Nah, I'm not that lucky, and most of her friends have boyfriends.

 

[Unparalleled_Mediocrity]

OK I have a problem.

There's this girl I've known for probably about 6-7 months now through friends. I always thought she was out of my league so at the start I never even tried it on with her. Around the same time I start going out with another girl anyway.

Anyways, we started going out a lot as part of our group of friends. Suddenly one night out, we all get very drunk and she says she needs to talk to me and tells me she likes me. Now this fucking shocked me as I never get any attention from girls whatsoever. As I had a girlfriend at this point, I just kind of said I have a girlfriend and we left it like that.

Literally the next day I see she's in a relationship with someone on facebook, which I thought was a bit weird but it didn't really matter that much. I just passed off what she said as just being too drunk at the time. Now a couple of months ago I broke up with my girlfriend for other reasons, nothing to do with this girl.

Now lately we have got quite close, but only really through drunk nights out and fb messaging. I've always thought she was really hot, but the last few weeks I've actually started catching feelings. Now this week we went out, and she seemed really down in the club. Me and her sat down and she told me this new bf cheated on her a few days ago. Since then I've kinda been helping her through it and for some fucking reason telling her to give it another shot (as it seems thats what she wants).

So now I'm in a position where I'm single and really like this girl. On the other hand she's coming to me for relationship advice like a friend and it seems like I've missed any opportunity to be with her through my own fault. Wtf do I do now...

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Hang on.

Did she say "No, coffee is lame, surprise me with something else"? Or did she just say " surprise me " as in "you choose something"? Because I bet it was the latter and you're grossly overthinking this.

That said, for you specifically coffee might really be a bad choice at this time because you're apparently so convinced it'll be a bad idea that it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I was confused also at first but I'm 99% sure he asked her what she wanted to do and she said surprise me.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

Hey guys I'm here asking for a little help. So I've met a new girl on Tinder a while ago and we've been going well for a few weeks now. There's nothing wrong with what we have, we are in that "not together, but together" phase and that's fine, but the thing is this I am just not satisfied or happy with it. She's a great girl and I can tell that she's really into me but I just don't have those strong feelings for her at all. Originally I thought that I only wanted sex but once I got it it wasn't enough I feel like empty. I haven't really felt strongly for someone in a long time, even with my last gf it took us breaking up and starting over for me to actually start loving her. I don't really know what to do to fix this because I don't want to feel this way, I want to actually be in love with the girls I'm with and not have to learn to love them.

I talked to one of my friends about it and he thinks I'm trying to find that "old feeling" I had with my first love in these other girls. He also said that subconsciously, I'm so afraid of getting hurt like I was with my first gf that I've shut those feelings off. I would love to hear what you guys have to say about it though, I want more viewpoints.

What's the question? She likes you; you don't like her. If you guys haven't had the exclusive talk yet, that'll make it easier, but be sure that you're both on the same page. She may think you are together, and, as unwarranted as that may be, she'll be hurt if you go find someone else and then go "Well we never said we were together."

You can sort of bring it up as a "Where do you want this to go?" question. Undoubtedly it'll suck if she says "together" and you say "not together", but it has to happen at some point and might as well be sooner than later.

.

So now I'm in a position where I'm single and really like this girl. On the other hand she's coming to me for relationship advice like a friend and it seems like I've missed any opportunity to be with her through my own fault. Wtf do I do now...

Well, at least you know where you stand. I think your only options are to continue interacting with her as a friend and be there for her if she needs you, or try to convince her to break up with her boyfriend for you. I'll let you decide which of those avenues to go down. If the former, it sounds like a breakup will happen eventually anyway, and then you can see if you and her get something going.

 

[FaintColt388301]

I got the "surprise me." I told you guys coffee was lame a few pages back.

I'm with you on this one. Sometimes coffee is a great idea but sometimes you just want or need to do more. This can be a make or break situation. Might as well try to do something that will make you come off as somebody she wants to continue spending time with. And other people here seem to think conversation isn't your best quality so coffee isn't going to help you out.

I like doing actual activities or whatever and then sitting down to talk afterwards. Check out things going on around your city or places that sound fun. It might takes some time to find something good but there is always something fun out there to do.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I'm with you on this one. Sometimes coffee is a great idea but sometimes you just want or need to do more. This can be a make or break situation. Might as well try to do something that will make you come off as somebody she wants to continue spending time with. And other people here seem to think conversation isn't your best quality so coffee isn't going to help you out.

I like doing actual activities or whatever and then sitting down to talk afterwards. Check out things going on around your city or places that sound fun. It might takes some time to find something good but there is always something fun out there to do.

Yes and no. You shouldn't be going crazy having to plan a perfect date for your first meeting. They pretty much don't know each other, anything that allows a lot of talking is good. I think people in this thread look at things from the wrong angle most times. This is your first meeting and you don't know them, you should be seeing if you even want to date them, not struggling to try and impress them. Going out of your way to impress instead of being yourself is usually a turnoff and people can tell when you're not genuine. You don't know them and should be trying to figure our if you even like them. There should be no pressure or elaborate events for a first date. Keep it simple. That's why people say coffee works but it's also not the only option obviously.

 

[Kyne]

So Blue Hair spent six days with me while we were on vacation. We spent a lot of time going for coffee, for food, cycling, taking my kids places. It was a really good time and it was hard not having her there last night. I guess I got used to having her around lol.

It was a great test of our relationship, I think, to spend all that time together. There were no major issues (Shopping for hair dye with her was just awful!) and we both had a good time.

All my old concerns seem silly and I'm glad I didn't say anything. Now I've just got to play it cool and not rush things. We're trying to make thanksgiving plans now but of course work gets in the way.

I really want to thank you guys for the guidance. I'm hoping letting things take their due course will serve me well.

From an outside perspective, it seems like you've already gotten to that "moving too fast" point.

But hey, if it works for you two then it works.

 

[FaintColt388301]

Yes and no. You shouldn't be going crazy having to plan a perfect date for your first meeting. They pretty much don't know each other, anything that allows a lot of talking is good. I think people in this thread look at things from the wrong angle most times. This is your first meeting and you don't know them, you should be seeing if you even want to date them, not struggling to try and impress them. Going out of your way to impress instead of being yourself is usually a turnoff and people can tell when you're not genuine. You don't know them and should be trying to figure our if you even like them. There should be no pressure or elaborate events for a first date. Keep it simple. That's why people say coffee works but it's also not the only option obviously.

For sure. Don't go over the top. Don't go all extravaganza with flowers and all that. I think some simple fun little thing. Our local museum has these nights where they have a little speaker and you get free drinks and get to paint and do other little things. Those have always been good to me.

But yes something simple with a way for you to be able to get in to a good conversation. Whether that's just walking around or sitting down somewhere. A person will leave a date way more happy and satisfied if you are able to have a good conversation and connect with them as opposed to just doing something fun.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

To clarify the situation (from a few pages back):

http://m.neogaf.com/showpost.php?p=136480633

I can not reciprocate, unfortunately. I am just trying to figure out this situation I found myself in. She has done similar things (and some of the general signs like holding my arm) before, which lead to me almost asking her out. I wish had now, in retrospect; it would have helped me get over this.

Being straight up with you, I don't really buy the idea that you just wanna get to know her purely as a friendship thing. You wouldn't be here asking questions about this if you didn't care to pursue it at all. If I were you I would just keep on keeping on if the physical closeness does not bother you. Just don't initiate actual contact. This is work anyway so keep it casual and do not flirt back.

 

[Cj01]

I read through most of this thread and smiled at some of the same stories because I remembered my experiences similar to a lot of you. I have been out the game for awhile, but if I can offer some advice I learned back then that helped a lot is just have confidence when approaching a person. The worst thing that will happen is they will say no or blow you off and you will never see that person again.

I'm out GAF, but I wish everyone here luck in finding that special person!

 

[infinitys_7th]

Being straight up with you, I don't really buy the idea that you just wanna get to know her purely as a friendship thing. You wouldn't be here asking questions about this if you didn't care to pursue it at all. If I were you I would just keep on keeping on if the physical closeness does not bother you. Just don't initiate actual contact. This is work anyway so keep it casual and do not flirt back.

I would love for it to return to before I became interested if only to end my emotional conflict. Will I lie and say I would not want a relationship if she were available? No.

The closeness makes it worse for me. I really suck at interpreting "signals", so I just feel more and more confused by each event. But I don't want to appear "mean" or odd either.

And I don't flirt; as I said I wouldn't even know how to go about it. I am awkward around and unknowledgeable about these situations, hence the asking on here. It all just confuses me, and I hate that. I just want a plan, some kind of roadmap to say "This is the best way to go to get some form of closure." Unfortunately that isn't possible in these social situations.

Also, similar situations have happened to me for years. Befriend girl -> start to like girl -> find out about a boyfriend (secondhand almost always) -> awkwardness with someone I have to be around in class/etc who expects me to talk to them. I guess I'm tired of that series by this point and just want to let it go on wherever. It's not like I can ask every girl I talk to "I like talking to you, but just in case in the future I like you the other way, do you have a boyfriend?" I can't even bring up a boyfriend in conversation anyway because most girls take that as a (false) sign of interest.

/rant

 

[Granadier]

It seems like you've gone through this before.

Try to ignore everything instead of attempting to understand "signals". Go into friend mode, and just enjoy her company as a friend.

Basically give up on your attempt to woo her or snatch one of those dangling strings of hope you think are there.



Be her friend instead.

 

[Valus]

I would love for it to return to before I became interested if only to end my emotional conflict. Will I lie and say I would not want a relationship if she were available? No.

The closeness makes it worse for me. I really suck at interpreting "signals", so I just feel more and more confused by each event. But I don't want to appear "mean" or odd either.

And I don't flirt; as I said I wouldn't even know how to go about it. I am awkward around and unknowledgeable about these situations, hence the asking on here. It all just confuses me, and I hate that. I just want a plan, some kind of roadmap to say "This is the best way to go to get some form of closure." Unfortunately that isn't possible in these social situations.

Also, similar situations have happened to me for years. Befriend girl -> start to like girl -> find out about a boyfriend (secondhand almost always) -> awkwardness with someone I have to be around in class/etc who expects me to talk to them. I guess I'm tired of that series by this point and just want to let it go on wherever. It's not like I can ask every girl I talk to "I like talking to you, but just in case in the future I like you the other way, do you have a boyfriend?" I can't even bring up a boyfriend in conversation anyway because most girls take that as a (false) sign of interest.

/rant

But see, do you really want to be friends? That's the question here. Because it doesn't sound like you do. It sounds like if she came on to you today you would let her, and that's the problem. You're letting her dictate what your relationship is. You're okay with settling as friends simply because she isn't dating you. That's not how friendships work.

Why are you so stuck on someone in a relationship? Are you incapable of actively seeking out women that are single? You're constantly coming across situations like this, and you can't figure out why. Maybe because you're not doing any work in seeking out single women? You're just friending women you meet in hopes that they will like you because you like them? If you have to ask "I like talking to you, but just in case in the future I like you the other way, do you have a boyfriend?" then you need more control over your emotions. You know fairly quickly if you find someone attractive or not. Own up to those feelings, and stop fooling yourself.

 

[bigfunkychiken]

OK I have a problem.

There's this girl I've known for probably about 6-7 months now through friends. I always thought she was out of my league so at the start I never even tried it on with her. Around the same time I start going out with another girl anyway.

Anyways, we started going out a lot as part of our group of friends. Suddenly one night out, we all get very drunk and she says she needs to talk to me and tells me she likes me. Now this fucking shocked me as I never get any attention from girls whatsoever. As I had a girlfriend at this point, I just kind of said I have a girlfriend and we left it like that.

Literally the next day I see she's in a relationship with someone on facebook, which I thought was a bit weird but it didn't really matter that much. I just passed off what she said as just being too drunk at the time. Now a couple of months ago I broke up with my girlfriend for other reasons, nothing to do with this girl.

Now lately we have got quite close, but only really through drunk nights out and fb messaging. I've always thought she was really hot, but the last few weeks I've actually started catching feelings. Now this week we went out, and she seemed really down in the club. Me and her sat down and she told me this new bf cheated on her a few days ago. Since then I've kinda been helping her through it and for some fucking reason telling her to give it another shot (as it seems thats what she wants).

So now I'm in a position where I'm single and really like this girl. On the other hand she's coming to me for relationship advice like a friend and it seems like I've missed any opportunity to be with her through my own fault. Wtf do I do now...

If I were you, I'd confess to her that I like her. After that, I'd tell her that, while I do like her, I can say completely without bias that she should not give her guy a second chance. Cheating is not okay at all and relationships with cheating do not work out even if he does deserve a second chance (which he doesn't).

Assuming that you DO think cheating is wrong/unforgivable, I think you're letting your feelings get in the way of how you truly feel about what's happened to her.

Spoiler

Just in case this is a reason you are telling her to stay with her boyfriend: I can understand why you'd feel as if you're being manipulative if you tell her to leave him (since you have feelings for her)--which is why I'd tell her how you feel first and assure her that your feelings, while true, do not interfere with your view of how unhealthy you think the relationship she's in is.

And if you're telling her to give him another chance because she still wants to be with him, well, we all know that feelings can shape themselves into a pair of rose-tinted glasses.

Spoiler

(just want to reinforce that I made this reply with my point of view in mind and that I'm not trying to convince you to think any certain way)

 

[Gotdatmoney]

I would love for it to return to before I became interested if only to end my emotional conflict. Will I lie and say I would not want a relationship if she were available? No.

The closeness makes it worse for me. I really suck at interpreting "signals", so I just feel more and more confused by each event. But I don't want to appear "mean" or odd either.

And I don't flirt; as I said I wouldn't even know how to go about it. I am awkward around and unknowledgeable about these situations, hence the asking on here. It all just confuses me, and I hate that. I just want a plan, some kind of roadmap to say "This is the best way to go to get some form of closure." Unfortunately that isn't possible in these social situations.

Also, similar situations have happened to me for years. Befriend girl -> start to like girl -> find out about a boyfriend (secondhand almost always) -> awkwardness with someone I have to be around in class/etc who expects me to talk to them. I guess I'm tired of that series by this point and just want to let it go on wherever. It's not like I can ask every girl I talk to "I like talking to you, but just in case in the future I like you the other way, do you have a boyfriend?" I can't even bring up a boyfriend in conversation anyway because most girls take that as a (false) sign of interest.

/rant

Meh, again, I'll just be plain and to the point. Get your head on straight, this girl is nothing but a work colleague and you should treat her like nothing but one. Sometimes people just let themselves fall for people that really haven't done anything worth falling for. Relationships are constantly evolving, you can't get down every time your relationship with someone shifts to something unplanned. If you don't like the way it is currently, change the dynamic or end it.

Also I suggest you forget about interpreting signals from her because if she is in a relationship right now I suggest you give zero fucks about getting with her. You don't need to worry about being cold or mean, you just need not entertain discussion that veers too far from work. Also forget about closure, I think it's necessary to learn how to move on from something like this. It's not like you dated and she dumped you or something more serious, she's just your work colleague. You don't need closure honestly.

You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to. People don't grasp that a relationship whether it's a sibling bond, a romantic endeavor, a mentor/student bond or a friendship need both parties to be comfortable at it's current level to be healthy. You shouldn't suffer through misery to please the other person in a friendship, that's not a positive thing. I know that girls (and guys too not generalizing) sometimes get pissy when you don't wanna be friends after they reject your advances because "friendship isn't the worst thing in the world" or "I don't owe you anything just because your nice . . . blah blah blah" but honestly, you don't owe anyone shit. If you feel your friendship with a person is detrimental to your happiness, revoke it and move on and if they call you out tell them exactly what I said.

"In order for a relationship regardless of the kind to be happy and healthy for both parties, they need to be comfortable and natural with the level it's currently at. Right now, this friendship makes me uncomfortable and unhappy so I'm dialing it back. I'd like you to respect that."

It's that simple. Finally, I dunno if it's just me but if I'm interested in figuring out if a girl has a SO I phrase questions that require that info to come out. If that info doesn't come out within days of contact with someone I'd be really cautious honestly. I've never talked to a girl, become interested and not known they've had a SO unless you're falling for these girls real quick.

 

[McBryBry]

Welp. I've hit a real snag.

This girl I've been talking to for a few weeks decided today was the day she'd go down on me. That's great! Too bad it didn't stay up. That was embarrassing as all hell. She didn't get mad, but holy shit did I feel bad. I haven't had anything sexual going on for a year or two now, and thinking about it, this same kind of shit happened back then too. I don't know if its an actual problem or if I'm psyching myself out somehow, but I ended up really mad today because of it. What do I do?

 

[Unparalleled_Mediocrity]

Well, at least you know where you stand. I think your only options are to continue interacting with her as a friend and be there for her if she needs you, or try to convince her to break up with her boyfriend for you. I'll let you decide which of those avenues to go down. If the former, it sounds like a breakup will happen eventually anyway, and then you can see if you and her get something going.

If I were you, I'd confess to her that I like her. After that, I'd tell her that, while I do like her, I can say completely without bias that she should not give her guy a second chance. Cheating is not okay at all and relationships with cheating do not work out even if he does deserve a second chance (which he doesn't).

Assuming that you DO think cheating is wrong/unforgivable, I think you're letting your feelings get in the way of how you truly feel about what's happened to her.

Spoiler

Just in case this is a reason you are telling her to stay with her boyfriend: I can understand why you'd feel as if you're being manipulative if you tell her to leave him (since you have feelings for her)--which is why I'd tell her how you feel first and assure her that your feelings, while true, do not interfere with your view of how unhealthy you think the relationship she's in is.

And if you're telling her to give him another chance because she still wants to be with him, well, we all know that feelings can shape themselves into a pair of rose-tinted glasses.

Spoiler

(just want to reinforce that I made this reply with my point of view in mind and that I'm not trying to convince you to think any certain way)

Thanks for the replies guys. This is the annoying thing, I think if someone cheats then that relationship is essentially over, especially seeing as she seems to be working harder to fix it than he is. However, if I start telling her this, I look like the one whose trying to break them up to get in her pants, which is really not the case. She does actually really like him, who am I to try and get in the way of that?

So I either tell the truth and look manipulative, or be supportive and help a girl I like stick with her boyfriend.

 

[n64coder]

So is there any married-GAF in here?

I'm 26 and have been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years, all my friends and her friends are starting to get married and I'm starting to think about it I guess and I know she has

How do you know you're ready to get married? Or that you're girlfriend is the right one?

I've been going back and forth a lot in the last year or so, wondering what others went through in that stage

I'm married. I had dated my wife for a couple of years and then we moved in together. Sometime after, we got engaged and a year later, married. We enjoyed being together, were on the same page with many things, wanted kids, etc. I'm sure that there are other people out in the world that I could have gotten married to and the same for my wife.

So we've been married for 15+ years.

 

[Valus]

Welp. I've hit a real snag.

This girl I've been talking to for a few weeks decided today was the day she'd go down on me. That's great! Too bad it didn't stay up. That was embarrassing as all hell. She didn't get mad, but holy shit did I feel bad. I haven't had anything sexual going on for a year or two now, and thinking about it, this same kind of shit happened back then too. I don't know if its an actual problem or if I'm psyching myself out somehow, but I ended up really mad today because of it. What do I do?

Chances are you're psyching yourself out. The more you stress about it (especially during the action) the harder it will be for you to get it up. Hopefully she's a nice gal and will help you try and relax because that's really the only solution until you become more comfortable with it and yourself.

 

[PflargBlarg]

Welp. I've hit a real snag.

This girl I've been talking to for a few weeks decided today was the day she'd go down on me. That's great! Too bad it didn't stay up. That was embarrassing as all hell. She didn't get mad, but holy shit did I feel bad. I haven't had anything sexual going on for a year or two now, and thinking about it, this same kind of shit happened back then too. I don't know if its an actual problem or if I'm psyching myself out somehow, but I ended up really mad today because of it. What do I do?

Almost certainly just a mental thing. Don't worry about it.

So is there any married-GAF in here?

I'm 26 and have been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years, all my friends and her friends are starting to get married and I'm starting to think about it I guess and I know she has

How do you know you're ready to get married? Or that you're girlfriend is the right one?

I've been going back and forth a lot in the last year or so, wondering what others went through in that stage

Not married, but engaged. I can tell you how it went for us but I'm not sure how applicable it will be.
Dated for 4 months starting Oct 2013 before moving in together, although we were both independently looking at apartments after one month. It was awesome and continues to be awesome and she proposed to me this September.

I guess we just knew. I hadn't dated a ton before but I was still able to compare and I knew that this was different. She's my best friend and we have such a good time together. I just can't think of a reason why I would not want to spend the rest of my life with her.

The most important thing before deciding is to be absolutely sure that you're of the same mind on the big life decisions. You MUST both want kids, or both not want kids, there is no debate on this. It will ruin your life or marriage if you don't, it's not something to compromise on.

 

[infinitys_7th]

Granadier:

That is more or less what I have been doing. I just talk to her a couple times a day. Sometimes I start the talking, sometimes she starts. And like I said, AFAIK I am not flirting in any way, intentionally or unintentionally. The "arm on chair" idea was more a probe to get some information.

Valus:

I like talking with her regardless and we get along well. That should be enough for a friendship, right?

No, I have not sought out a girl actively for a long time; I learned that I have to get to know a girl first over several weeks before I feel anything. Do we get along well in different situations? Is she intelligent (in a similar way to myself)? I have very specific things I find attractive and most of them are just things I have to observe or experience with her over time. I think I am a het-demi, if you know what that is.

If I approach a girl directly I may indicate an interest which I do not have. If I let her approach me and we get along, I know that she at least feels comfortable around me and there is some potential foundation for learning about each other. I have made female friends before through this without developing attraction btw - I just seem to have to have this step to develop any attraction.

Gotthatmoney:

I kind of count bringing up my discomfort to her as getting it off my chest. It begs the question, "Why does that make you feel uncomfortable?" What am I supposed to say then? And wouldn't that be strange scuttlebutt to go around work?

As for finding out relationship status indirectly, I do try to pay attention to pronouns when I talk to girls. Asking about what they did over the weekend and hearing all "I" suggests she is single, while "we" may suggest the opposite. They are not sufficient evidence, but they do give a little bit of information. Any more than that would seem too obvious.

 

[gazele]

I'm married. I had dated my wife for a couple of years and then we moved in together. Sometime after, we got engaged and a year later, married. We enjoyed being together, were on the same page with many things, wanted kids, etc. I'm sure that there are other people out in the world that I could have gotten married to and the same for my wife.

So we've been married for 15+ years.

Not married, but engaged. I can tell you how it went for us but I'm not sure how applicable it will be.
Dated for 4 months starting Oct 2013 before moving in together, although we were both independently looking at apartments after one month. It was awesome and continues to be awesome and she proposed to me this September.

I guess we just knew. I hadn't dated a ton before but I was still able to compare and I knew that this was different. She's my best friend and we have such a good time together. I just can't think of a reason why I would not want to spend the rest of my life with her.

The most important thing before deciding is to be absolutely sure that you're of the same mind on the big life decisions. You MUST both want kids, or both not want kids, there is no debate on this. It will ruin your life or marriage if you don't, it's not something to compromise on.

Thanks for the responses guys, she really is my best friend, I personally don't want kids anytime soon and she's on the same page on that

There are a couple of things holding me back

1) She's still in school, I'm proud of her, but I'd also kind like her to have a regular 9-5 and not stress so much about school and tests, I know she wants that too and its temporary so maybe not a huge deal and she'll be done with school by the time we get married anyway

2) I may be a bad person for saying this but looks, She is beautiful but I can't help but imagine all the people I'll be missing out on, I always thought I'd end up with a blonde girl but she's brunette, I've also had a lot of issues with liking unattainable girls and girls way out of my league, I was obviously attracted to her when we first started dating, but we met online and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed the first time we met in person based on how I pictured her and I wonder if that's tainted things ever since

3) I don't get that dopamine rush when we kiss or when I see her for the first time that day anymore, that's probably normal though, haven't had any issues with sex and she's down all the time, its just…I don't know, not as exciting as it used to be? I got into fights with my ex a lot about sex and remember how great it was but that was probably because she didn't want to very often, idk

We've broken up twice, both my decision, mostly because I don't feel sure about things so it definitely hasn't been perfect, we also did live together but when I broke up with her the first time I moved out, we're planning on moving back in together though

Sorry for rambling, I feel like someone needs to just knock me upside the head and say "Dude, she's great, better than you deserve, stop over thinking it" haha

 

[bigfunkychiken]

Thanks for the responses guys, she really is my best friend, I personally don't want kids anytime soon and she's on the same page on that

There are a couple of things holding me back

1) She's still in school, I'm proud of her, but I'd also kind like her to have a regular 9-5 and not stress so much about school and tests, I know she wants that too and its temporary so maybe not a huge deal and she'll be done with school by the time we get married anyway

2) I may be a bad person for saying this but looks, She is beautiful but I can't help but imagine all the people I'll be missing out on, I always thought I'd end up with a blonde girl but she's brunette, I've also had a lot of issues with liking unattainable girls and girls way out of my league, I was obviously attracted to her when we first started dating, but we met online and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed the first time we met in person based on how I pictured her and I wonder if that's tainted things ever since

3) I don't get that dopamine rush when we kiss or when I see her for the first time that day anymore, that's probably normal though, haven't had any issues with sex and she's down all the time, its just…I don't know, not as exciting as it used to be? I got into fights with my ex a lot about sex and remember how great it was but that was probably because she didn't want to very often, idk

We've broken up twice, both my decision, mostly because I don't feel sure about things so it definitely hasn't been perfect, we also did live together but when I broke up with her the first time I moved out, we're planning on moving back in together though

Sorry for rambling, I feel like someone needs to just knock me upside the head and say "Dude, she's great, better than you deserve, stop over thinking it" haha

I feel like maybe you should give it a few more years before you decide on marriage. I doubt it'd hurt, at least. Maybe ask what she think about the topic?