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[Corky]

The year has barely started and already you are giving up? Already you are fatalistic? This year can be different with enough effort and determination. Trust me I know it ain't easy. It's never easy. I'm trying to stay positive and motivated and I hope I can encourage others to do the same.

The more I think of it the more I realize that this is it. I can't envision myself in a situation where I can enjoy life. I can't think of what I could do to become happier, or rather a normal adult human being. Nothing springs to mind and that shit is more terrifying than anything else.

Eh, literally the only notable thing that happened to me in 2012 was cancer, getting my guts torn out and laying around for months not even being able to sit down in my chair properly. So going into this year I did feel like it had to be better, how could things possibly be worse, and that prompted me to get off my ass, get into respectable shape again and at least start trying to make changes that I should have made years ago but felt there was no point, like finally talking to a psychologist and getting put on meds (just starting this week... might not work but at least I'm trying something that is a big change ). Whichever mindset you have, whether it's things can't be worse or that things can and will get worse, the latter will happen unless you make some moves.

But I don't know your health/living status or where you live, or what moves you made or haven't made, so I'm not suggesting anything about you in particular, though since you half-seriously mentioned enlisting... is there anything keeping you from trying something like that? Not to die in trench, of course, but there's tons of shit you can do in the military. I used to toy with the idea of dropping all my boring unsatisfying studies and joining the police academy, it was something I could have afforded and something I figured could be more fulfilling. And I probably would have... I had to drop that idea but options like that may be there.

If nothing else I've got a folder full of Super Mario Galaxy shots that you made, be proud of that

I'm sorry to hear, or rather I hope you've beaten it/on your way to recovery. Cancer scares the shit out of me, while my body is broken and barely functioning it's not due to disease as it is to chronic pain in every muscle and limb. I can't sleep nowadays just because of the pain in any given muscle, regardless of how much I workout and exercise. Only thing missing is that I bump into cancer myself I guess, that would really make me quit I can't fathom how that would work with my defeatist mentality.

On the subject on talking to a psychologist, here's something else that is wrong with me : there's no way in hell I believe anyone out there can help me ( and please, not in the 'boo-hoo feel bad for me """""no-one""""" can help me ) unless they can turn back time so I can retake every single decision I've made in my life. And meds, hoboy, I'm terrified of them as I have a very addictive personality, if they help me I'm taking them 10x the dosage in hopes of feeling 10x better, and something tells me that's not how they work.

I don't know if anything is stopping me from enlisting other than my the thought of my body not being able to handle the pain, that and the fact that I have virtually no hearing in one of my ears. Why didn't you enlist?

Heh thanks, as pathetic as it sounds fooling around with videogames is probably the only thing I got nowadays... damn I have nothing.

 

[Detox]

I'm currently waiting for my local health authority to refer me to a psychologist. Personally I believe nobody is born unhappy, depressed, empty etc instead some things happen and eventually you get used to being slightly unhappy and it's too late by the time you realise all the negative thought processes you've developed and thought were ok have now become your default state of mind. I'm not sure if the meds will help me but I hope the psychologist I get can help me reverse all the negative thought processes in my mind that cause me to be depressed.

Somebody mentioned Niacinamide to treat anxiety, I was thinking of buying it over the counter. What kind of doses should I start with and at what point should I stop before it starts messing too much with my mind?

 

[VanillaCakeIsBurning]

It seems this thread has become a lot more active as of late. As for myself, I've been reading posts but haven't really made any myself because I'm not too sure of myself at the moment.

I did mention I've seen a psychologist (only one visit so far). I have my next appointment tomorrow, I'm kind of wondering how it will go considering I'm slipping back to where I was before.

And I just discovered a trigger for it, in an ideal world I would like to be an accomplished artist. It's something I've always fantasized about and I have made a few doodles here and there. However, a short time after I started learning about drawing in depth I stopped, since part of my depression is that I can never actually be skilled at something that I want. I consider that to be an impossibility, something that can't be allowed to happen.

Earlier today I told myself I was going to start and hyped myself up for it. Throughout the day though I've intentionally been trying to stall myself. Standing in the shower, eating food when I'm not even hungry, trying to look at as many random threads and videos as I could.

When I finally looked at the pencil on my desk, I felt a shiver, then anger, and it all came back to me. I don't know if this sounds melodramatic but it's the best way I can explain it. I just can't pick up that fucking pencil. There's just no way I can be what I imagine I want to be. Everything in my head is telling me to stay away from it. I'm getting a physical reaction just from looking and thinking about it.

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this kind of thing but it just makes me realize how unrealistic I was being in my expectations for the future.

 

[Collete]

Stuff went wrong today...Honestly it's my fault...Always is.
Overdosed on meds and somehow still woke up.
Walked out on the streets hoping I would have gotten stabbed.
Of course I didn't...

 

[Curtisaur]

I had a bad day too, Oomikami. Sorry to hear about yours. Hopefully something will improve soon.

 

[Dice]

These videos on Transactional Analysis were very interesting. I think they are highly applicable to anyone but may hold particular benefit here. It's good to know what kind of roles you may be taking on and what roles other people are taking on in response. Sometimes it is beneficial and other times not. And sometimes these are not just psychological roles, but real-world circumstances force us into them, so knowing about them can help one to better understand their management amid differing contexts of things like, say, living circumstances and social connections.

Part 1 - The basic concept: http://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o
Part 2 - Social games/relational drama: http://youtu.be/YOqJ4sc9TAc
Part 3 - The hidden needs which manifest into games: http://youtu.be/58F2qYyAzME

 

[Dawg]

You guys ever have that 'one day where everything goes right' ? It's like, sometimes, i just have a good day. I'm having fun with friends, worrying about nothing and depression/anxiety seems like a far away nightmare that never really happened. It's like I feel 'normal' again and don't have to worry about anxiety, depression etc

Then the day ends, I go to bed and wake up the next day and it's back to the ol' depression

 

[Detox]

All the time, if I'm with friends that I'm really close with that I can be completely relaxed with then I feel like I can say/ do anything I want and just have fun. If I'm with anyone else or as usual on my own then I feel like I have to adhere to 'social conventions.' Obviously most of the time I'm on my own so I don't feel motivated to do anything. I think I'm bipolar though I'm not sure if bipolar mood swings happen due to the environment you're in or if they are completely random.

 

[Icelandic_Jazz]

If anxiety is really causing you problems with even sleeping at night, medication could help, but different lifestyle changes can help too.
I know it's hard to keep a consistent regimen because it's a habit you have to form to break out of your old habits, but have you tried practising good sleep hygiene?
Go to sleep at the same time every night. Don't overstimulate yourself, have caffeine, or drink too much a couple of hours before bed.
And also practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing and stretching and some kind of meditation a few times every day (even if it's only for 2-3 minutes each time). Even do so before sleep. Form that good habit!

I've actually been completely off caffeine for a few years now. Drinking soda or coffee actually makes me go into panic attacks. But thanks for your advice! I've been trying meditation and deep breathing lately and it has been helping. Also feeling better about the job search. I'll update if anything new pops up.

 

[Collete]

Each day is getting undoubtedly harder.
I barely could get up today without crying and seeing what a despicable person I really am.
I can't handle my school work any longer and failing in nearly everything.
But I weigh in my survival vs crumbling with school work.
It's getting pointless, the friendships I valued are all strained and I can't return to some people...
Just contemplating just deleting everyone from my Steam list because I can't handle just bearing to look that they liked something or made a comment.
It's too painful to bear any longer.

 

[BadTaste]

Each day is getting undoubtedly harder.
I barely could get up today without crying and seeing what a despicable person I really am.
I can't handle my school work any longer and failing in nearly everything.
But I weigh in my survival vs crumbling with school work.
It's getting pointless, the friendships I valued are all strained and I can't return to some people...
Just contemplating just deleting everyone from my Steam list because I can't handle just bearing to look that they liked something or made a comment.
It's too painful to bear any longer.

Know that feel.

I deleted my Facebook, it's difficult looking at people who are doing 'well'.

 

[Charoncaori]

So I'm now completely convinced I have (soft type ii or whatever it's called these days) bipolar disorder. Two weeks ago I couldn't even fucking get out of bed. Now I feel completely normal, just signed up for a few online courses, and can't comprehend my state of mind from last month. I'm in a manic state technically, but i never do anything really rash or impulsive, just get into arguments a bit more quickly. It's a lot better than the alternative.

It has taken me about 10 years to come to this understanding. Now that I am living with someone who can keep tabs on my mood and what I'm thinking, I'm much better able to realize that this is probably actually bipolar disorder and not simply my anxiety spiraling out of control. In the past when I start seeing a psychiatrist, I usually am only able to go to appointments in this state, when I'm completely incapable of understanding how I felt when I was actually depressed. (and I'm still depressed, but it doesn't feel like just existing is painful.) So hopefully now that I have some more perspective, we can figure out a class of meds I should actually be on to stop the anxiety/depressive states.

Do doctors prescribe different stuff to (soft) bipolar people when they transition into a different state? I had a bipolar diagnosis when I was a kid and they only gave me these horrible zombie meds to even out the "manic" states. I think ideally I'd like to feel somewhere in the middle (because I can get really bad anxiety while manic, but the depressive states just make me stop functioning altogether).

So going by the past, I have about 3 months to get my insurance in order and get some kind of prescription from a psychiatrist before I start falling back into depression again.

I should probably find the bipolar thread and post in that...

Each day is getting undoubtedly harder.
I barely could get up today without crying and seeing what a despicable person I really am.
I can't handle my school work any longer and failing in nearly everything.
But I weigh in my survival vs crumbling with school work.
It's getting pointless, the friendships I valued are all strained and I can't return to some people...
Just contemplating just deleting everyone from my Steam list because I can't handle just bearing to look that they liked something or made a comment.
It's too painful to bear any longer.

Hang in there. I'm 24, not enrolled in a college, no job and only have credits adding up to about a college sophomore, with an impossibly low gpa. But I still have the chance to pull myself together. Failing school isn't the end, you can always get back on that horse when you have a better support system. Please try to find out if your school has counseling and just talk to someone. You're not despicable, that's your depression being a bully. Fight back, please just talk to someone.

I hope tomorrow gets even a little bit better.

 

[Collete]

Know that feel.

I deleted my Facebook, it's difficult looking at people who are doing 'well'.

Yeah, but knowing that I was the source of all the problems everyone is facing doesn't make anything better...

Hang in there. I'm 24, not enrolled in a college, no job and only have credits adding up to about a college sophomore, with an impossibly low gpa. But I still have the chance to pull myself together. Failing school isn't the end, you can always get back on that horse when you have a better support system. Please try to find out if your school has counseling and just talk to someone. You're not despicable, that's your depression being a bully. Fight back, please just talk to someone.

I hope tomorrow gets even a little bit better.

I got kicked out of my counseling. I'm trying to find therapy now but it's out of my reach. I can't afford 200-300 dollars an hour...
And it's not like my parents encourage a better support system.
They're going to kick me out as soon as this year passes. I don't have the time to find a better support system especially when I'm walking source of pain and suffering.
I was planning to isolate myself to not even impact people. Only did it successfully from one of my friends, now everyone else is next. I keep thinking I'll come back but I'm further and further realizing there's no way out this time.

I was told tomorrow would get a bit easier, but it feels it just got worse for me...

 

[Charoncaori]

Yeah, but knowing that I was the source of all the problems everyone is facing doesn't make anything better...



I got kicked out of my counseling. I'm trying to find therapy now but it's out of my reach. I can't afford 200-300 dollars an hour...
And it's not like my parents encourage a better support system.

Ugh, you got kicked out? How does that even happen? =/ I've had to re enroll into therapy because I stopped going for too long. Do you have insurance? Can you get some where you're still enrolled? I hope you can find something, good luck.

They're going to kick me out as soon as this year passes. I don't have the time to find a better support system especially when I'm walking source of pain and suffering.
I was planning to isolate myself to not even impact people. Only did it successfully from one of my friends, now everyone else is next. I keep thinking I'll come back but I'm further and further realizing there's no way out this time.

I was told tomorrow would get a bit easier, but it feels it just got worse for me...

Well try to fix the aspects of your life you have some control over, I guess. Don't let worrying about your parents ruin the other things you can try. I don't know your home situation but maybe you can get them to compromise.

And isolating yourself from your friends sucks, I've done it too. I've since made a few new friends, and while I don't spend as much time with them and don't tell them everything that's wrong, I've stopped trying to make excuses/protect them from my illness. I'm sure you can't possibly be the cause of everyone else's problems, so try not to let that get in the way of your relationships in the future. Everyone makes mistakes.

Let GAF be your support system if you need to. I think I'm a little obnoxious when it comes to this stuff but there are plenty of other people in here who are more down to earth and easier to talk to. You could always try going into one of the chats or something.

I'm sorry if I'm being annoyingly optimistic, but I really hope you can find a way out. It sucks seeing other people this sad, no one should have to feel like this.

 

[Collete]

Ugh, you got kicked out? How does that even happen? =/ I've had to re enroll into therapy because I stopped going for too long. Do you have insurance? Can you get some where you're still enrolled? I hope you can find something, good luck.

I went in too many times on campus, so I'm not allowed to go back. I have insurance but most don't accept it or in capable driving distances for me or my family.

Well try to fix the aspects of your life you have some control over, I guess. Don't let worrying about your parents ruin the other things you can try. I don't know your home situation but maybe you can get them to compromise.

And isolating yourself from your friends sucks, I've done it too. I've since made a few new friends, and while I don't spend as much time with them and don't tell them everything that's wrong, I've stopped trying to make excuses/protect them from my illness. I'm sure you can't possibly be the cause of everyone else's problems, so try not to let that get in the way of your relationships in the future. Everyone makes mistakes.

Let GAF be your support system if you need to. I think I'm a little obnoxious when it comes to this stuff but there are plenty of other people in here who are more down to earth and easier to talk to. You could always try going into one of the chats or something.

I'm sorry if I'm being annoyingly optimistic, but I really hope you can find a way out. It sucks seeing other people this sad, no one should have to feel like this.

I did an effort to get some control on my life by writing and stuff, but my work isn't with passion or what I really care. I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. All that's keeping me alive and sane is 3-2 people that are on a thread and random shit on youtube.

I actually was for awhile protecting one of my friends from my depression. I just kept calling it an "illness". I didn't want people to judge me or think differently because I'm internally crazy.
Well this time I am the cause of a problem for my best friend and others around me. They want me back but, I can't return. They don't realize the consequences of me returning. *sigh* I know I'm causing them pain when I was trying to prevent it, but I hope that they'll realize some day me leaving was a good thing. It's a less of a worry in their life.

I've been here before for awhile, I'm in isolation from these people from this same thread as well dumbly enough. (The ones I talked about just now are different people) I killed most of my friendships with them I think. I only have 1-2 people I can confide into about this and even then I can feel I'll disappear from them as well.

I know it's never a good thing to see others this sad...I used to try my best to help others, even on this same thread...I can't even help myself much less others any longer...

 

[Charoncaori]

I went in too many times on campus, so I'm not allowed to go back. I have insurance but most don't accept it or in capable driving distances for me or my family.

I did an effort to get some control on my life by writing and stuff, but my work isn't with passion or what I really care. I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. All that's keeping me alive and sane is 3-2 people that are on a thread and random shit on youtube.

I actually was for awhile protecting one of my friends from my depression. I just kept calling it an "illness". I didn't want people to judge me or think differently because I'm internally crazy.
Well this time I am the cause of a problem for my best friend and others around me. They want me back but, I can't return. They don't realize the consequences of me returning. *sigh* I know I'm causing them pain when I was trying to prevent it, but I hope that they'll realize some day me leaving was a good thing. It's a less of a worry in their life.

I've been here before for awhile, I'm in isolation from these people from this same thread as well dumbly enough. (The ones I talked about just now are different people) I killed most of my friendships with them I think. I only have 1-2 people I can confide into about this and even then I can feel I'll disappear from them as well.

I know it's never a good thing to see others this sad...I used to try my best to help others, even on this same thread...I can't even help myself much less others any longer...

That counseling system seems pretty fucked up. =/ A friend of my boyfriend's had a horrible experience doing EMT rounds over the weekend, and her school's counseling is closed on Sundays because it's a Catholic school. It pisses me off that these organizations don't have better consideration for the people that need them. Maybe you could even try to talk with your academic advisor? Or an RA, if you're in a dorm? Or a hotline? I hope you have better luck finding someone who can take your insurance soon.

If you leave without telling your friends what's wrong, they will never think that your leaving was a good thing. They'll probably blame themselves or try to figure out what they did wrong.

You can always start friendships up again, and I'm sure most people in here have a pretty good understanding of how avoidance tactics work, and won't hold any resentment towards you if you want to say hi.

Neogaf has been a big part of my lifeline for the last year, even without much personal interaction, so I hope you can keep letting the few people here and youtube be yours until the world stops feeling like it's caving in around you. There will always be someone here if you're feeling really alone. And you're not going to feel this bad forever.

 

[Hop]

So I saw my therapist this morning, and after describing my little inexplicable breakdown a few weeks ago (which I kinda think was just due to despair about work, but I don't actually know) she started suggesting that I may want to start on anti-depressants, both to stabilize my mood (I've had a few dips in the past year) and to try and help my anxiety.

I'm really not too sure about that. I'm not convinced I'm clinically depressed (even if I am constantly miserable), and I'm kinda paranoid about side effects even on a low dose. On the other hand I can't seem to do anything about my anxiety, but I don't know how much of that is just due to my progress with transition, generally fearing I'm not female enough and stuff like that, rather than any sort of real chemical issue going on.

So I dunno. I don't know what I'm asking here, just figured this would be somewhere I could talk to people about anti-depressants. I'd really rather just get out of my crummy situation and kinda treat everything that way, but I don't know if that's actually going to do anything and if it won't then I should start fixing things now but I don't know.

 

[Collete]

That counseling system seems pretty fucked up. =/ A friend of my boyfriend's had a horrible experience doing EMT rounds over the weekend, and her school's counseling is closed on Sundays because it's a Catholic school. It pisses me off that these organizations don't have better consideration for the people that need them. Maybe you could even try to talk with your academic advisor? Or an RA, if you're in a dorm? Or a hotline? I hope you have better luck finding someone who can take your insurance soon.

If you leave without telling your friends what's wrong, they will never think that your leaving was a good thing. They'll probably blame themselves or try to figure out what they did wrong.

You can always start friendships up again, and I'm sure most people in here have a pretty good understanding of how avoidance tactics work, and won't hold any resentment towards you if you want to say hi.

Neogaf has been a big part of my lifeline for the last year, even without much personal interaction, so I hope you can keep letting the few people here and youtube be yours until the world stops feeling like it's caving in around you. There will always be someone here if you're feeling really alone. And you're not going to feel this bad forever.

I don't live in the dorms and an academic adviser wouldn't help me and just say "you need to find counseling" and shit. No one is really willing to accept me, my only other option (which boyfriend is forcing me at this point) is to confront my mother about this (i have in the past but long story short, she's not the most reliable of people...at all.) and get her to pay the sessions. Truth be told I don't even want to go and just die, but no one is letting me any longer.

No, I told them why I'm leaving, but they still resisted. I told them the reason and I'm the one to blame for leaving and not to take it out on themselves...To live happily as they can possibly be, just not with me around. It caused my best friend a lot of pain just by talking to him about some stuff, I couldn't bare to see that any longer. An event that happened that caused me to act out of line I then realized, I can't stay. Not a moment too soon, if I really gave a shit about my best friend, I wouldn't cause this much pain and misery. Only a selfish idiot would stay and cause more havoc. It was like that with a bunch of my friends, that I realized, I can't stay here again. I just can't. It causes too much pain for everyone, even me. But then again, I'm already in pain being isolated and hopeless. But better alone and hopeless not harming anyone else...Just only me.

I don't know...It's just awkward to talk again like that after I vanished for a good two-three months. And I'm not necessarily in the mood to socialize I suppose.

I know I'll feel like this forever, I've had it for nearly 22 years. No reason for it to stop now....Not anymore...Unless I die, it won't stop.

 

[Charoncaori]

I don't live in the dorms and an academic adviser wouldn't help me and just say "you need to find counseling" and shit. No one is really willing to accept me, my only other option (which boyfriend is forcing me at this point) is to confront my mother about this (i have in the past but long story short, she's not the most reliable of people...at all.) and get her to pay the sessions. Truth be told I don't even want to go and just die, but no one is letting me any longer.

No, I told them why I'm leaving, but they still resisted. I told them the reason and I'm the one to blame for leaving and not to take it out on themselves...To live happily as they can possibly be, just not with me around. It caused my best friend a lot of pain just by talking to him about some stuff, I couldn't bare to see that any longer. An event that happened that caused me to act out of line I then realized, I can't stay. Not a moment too soon, if I really gave a shit about my best friend, I wouldn't cause this much pain and misery. Only a selfish idiot would stay and cause more havoc. It was like that with a bunch of my friends, that I realized, I can't stay here again. I just can't. It causes too much pain for everyone, even me. But then again, I'm already in pain being isolated and hopeless. But better alone and hopeless not harming anyone else...Just only me.

I don't know...It's just awkward to talk again like that after I vanished for a good two-three months. And I'm not necessarily in the mood to socialize I suppose.

I know I'll feel like this forever, I've had it for nearly 22 years. No reason for it to stop now....Not anymore...Unless I die, it won't stop.

Talking to your mom is going to be hard but it sounds like you at least have the start of a plan, which is great. Please try to follow through with it. It sounds like you have a bit more of a net then you might want to admit.

Two or three months isn't that long in the scheme of things and you can still mend your relationships in the future. It can be something you work towards.

Moods go up and down, and if you've made friends and stuff in the past you obviously haven't felt as bad as you do right this second for your entire life. If you die, you're never going to have the opportunity to feel better, ever. That's a huge waste.

 

[LorDjidane]

I'm really not too sure about that. I'm not convinced I'm clinically depressed (even if I am constantly miserable), and I'm kinda paranoid about side effects even on a low dose. On the other hand I can't seem to do anything about my anxiety, but I don't know how much of that is just due to my progress with transition, generally fearing I'm not female enough and stuff like that, rather than any sort of real chemical issue going on.

I am new to this thread. I am currently undergoing some severe shit, due to my PhD thesis that I can't seem to finish because of what happened in and out of the lab. Anyways.

I wasn't too fond of the idea of AD and AA (anti-anxiety) pills, mainly because of side effects. I took some though because I needed to calm the fuck down (stress/anxiety was giving me some pretty high blood pressure and since my family has a history with this disease... well. Sky's not the limit).

That didn't help me very much. It like put me under all day long and I hated myself for that. It was like being constantly tired and sleepy. On top of that, my libido level was under 9,000 and I had a gf at that time and it didn't go very well.

Anyways. That's just my small experience (3 months) with the medicine. I stopped by myself. I'm not saying it's not working, maybe it did and I was sooooo down low that I didn't notice the change (I wasn't seeing nobody at that time so, you know).

Nowadays I'm back at my parents', trying to finish my work to be relieved from this burden and go back to life but it's SO hard to wake up and get anything done. But I try. It's complicated anyway but I don't want to get into it yet. Just wanted to share my experience with the medicine. Cheers.

 

[Collete]

Talking to your mom is going to be hard but it sounds like you at least have the start of a plan, which is great. Please try to follow through with it. It sounds like you have a bit more of a net then you might want to admit.

Two or three months isn't that long in the scheme of things and you can still mend your relationships in the future. It can be something you work towards.

Moods go up and down, and if you've made friends and stuff in the past you obviously haven't felt as bad as you do right this second for your entire life. If you die, you're never going to have the opportunity to feel better, ever. That's a huge waste.

Not really, my support isn't really solid. Much less my family. As I said before, my mother isn't the most reasonable or sensible person anyone would meet. Especially when it concerns with a lot of money concerning an illness they can't see that could be just "solved with exercise" or "looking up positively".

Mm, perhaps....I don't think I'm ready to do so yet....I can barely talk to the 2-3 people I lean on. Knowing they'll break soon and turn on me...It hurts just thinking about it...*sigh*

But at the same time I feel, it's not worth it.
Struggling 5, 10 years...who knows how long to deal with this and then go to a crappy job that makes shit money.
I just don't see it anymore. I always feel like I'm drowning every second....rather than every hour.
I don't care if it's a waste partially...just so long I don't have to feel this physically...Pain in my heart, head, hell my whole body....It hurts too much, even crying.

 

[homegrowndub]

Not really, my support isn't really solid. Much less my family. As I said before, my mother isn't the most reasonable or sensible person anyone would meet. Especially when it concerns with a lot of money concerning an illness they can't see that could be just "solved with exercise" or "looking up positively".

Mm, perhaps....I don't think I'm ready to do so yet....I can barely talk to the 2-3 people I lean on. Knowing they'll break soon and turn on me...It hurts just thinking about it...*sigh*

But at the same time I feel, it's not worth it.
Struggling 5, 10 years...who knows how long to deal with this and then go to a crappy job that makes shit money.
I just don't see it anymore. I always feel like I'm drowning every second....rather than every hour.
I don't care if it's a waste partially...just so long I don't have to feel this physically...Pain in my heart, head, hell my whole body....It hurts too much, even crying.

I generally don't post very much on this site, who am I kidding, I rarely post at all. I know the feeling you're going through. The burden you feel that you are to everyone that knows you. The thought of "Can I really deal with these shit feelings/thoughts for the rest of my life?" I'm in the same boat. I just recently got out of rehab for addiction problems. I coped with reality by trying to escape it. I've ruined plenty of relationships with girlfriends and friends. I've hurt my family countless times. I've been trying to finish school for what seems an eternity now. I'm pretty much at wits end.

It's not easy, but I keep pushing forward. I don't do it for past relationships/friendships that could have been. I don't do it for my family. I don't do it for my school or job. I do it for me. I'm bi-polar and depressed. I'm socially awkward. Yet, I know I have to much to offer to just give up. That's exactly what I tried to do twice a couple of years ago. I tried to exit the stage of life. I look back now and realize who would I've made happy? No one.

Look, everyday is not going to be beautiful and amazing. I don't think anyone on this planet has a perfect day everyday. Though, some can cope better then others. Also, not everyone does battle with severe depression and mood disorders like you or me. We ride this raging storm inside of us day in and day out. Don't let yourself believe that you aren't strong because you are. The proof is that you are still here. Another point of advice is don't isolate. Our greatest enemy is our own thoughts. Our minds can be a scary place to be alone.

As I have said before, not everyday is great. If you keep pushing forward things will look up. Try to be positive. Be productive. Generally, the case is that you aren't a despicable person. Chances are, you're well liked. It's just... you don't like yourself. Give yourself short and long term goals to show that you are worth something. Remember, it doesn't happen in one day. Yet, take everything one day at a time. It's much easier to focus on whats at hand. Everything will fall into place. Then, when you do have those good days you'll cherish them and when the bad ones come you'll know it's only temporary.

I hope I was of some help.

 

[scar tissue]

RIP uchip, just saw what happened in the other thread. Sorry to see you go.
All the best for the future, I hope you find a way out of the misery, somehow. If that shit is even possible.

As for me, more and more I'm coming to the conclusion that I am fucked for good. My anxiety is never going away, and along with that, my depression is here to stay too. Oh and did I mention I also have ADHS and my fucking shrink doesn't want to prescribe me adderall/ritalin, even though I have the attention span of a hummingbird on crack cocaine?

Things I'll never have:
- a life among people that doesn't involve severe anxiety every single day
- a fulfilling job
- a girlfriend/wife
- kid(s)

Yeah, fuck life. Luckily (?) I'm too lazy to jump through the 5 bazillion hoops that stand between me and getting a gun. Seems like I'll continue plodding along my miserable path towards a master's degree and, eventually, a phD; and start living a miserable life off unemployment benefits afterwards.

 

[Bagels]

Not really, my support isn't really solid. Much less my family. As I said before, my mother isn't the most reasonable or sensible person anyone would meet. Especially when it concerns with a lot of money concerning an illness they can't see that could be just "solved with exercise" or "looking up positively".

Mm, perhaps....I don't think I'm ready to do so yet....I can barely talk to the 2-3 people I lean on. Knowing they'll break soon and turn on me...It hurts just thinking about it...*sigh*

But at the same time I feel, it's not worth it.
Struggling 5, 10 years...who knows how long to deal with this and then go to a crappy job that makes shit money.
I just don't see it anymore. I always feel like I'm drowning every second....rather than every hour.
I don't care if it's a waste partially...just so long I don't have to feel this physically...Pain in my heart, head, hell my whole body....It hurts too much, even crying.

Find me on Skype or Steam. I've got tomorrow off, so I'll probably even stay up past 9:00 tonight. I feel bad that I haven't been around more for people.

I'm certainly not giving up on you any time soon. You're my friend and I care about you.

It might not sound great, but we should talk about meds. The sad fact is, meds are cheaper and easier to get. 75% of ADs are prescribed by primary care docs. I can help you pick one to try - you try to pick your side effects - if you have trouble sleeping, you pick one that is sedating, etc.

Would there be any interest in a weekly CBT group? I can't guarantee it will be good, but I bet I can sucker Prax into leading it with me, and she's pretty smart.

 

[Windam]

Been feeling down and out the past few days. Been off since last Wednesday since I finished my exams, and since then, I've had a lot of time to muse and do nothing. I feel as though my therapy isn't really helping me at all, and I'm incredibly stressed out about university and school right now. Heading into the hardest semester I've ever had to face in high school [Bio, Chem, Calculus, French (should be fine in that at least), and I'm re-taking pre-calc math in night school]. I was barely holding on with three courses last semester, two of which were relaxed and easy. I don't know what I should do, but I do know there's no way for me to take any time to myself before going to uni, thanks to my parents who are adamant that I start in September.

I've also been avoiding everyone I know the past week, since I honestly don't want to interact with anyone. :/ I've been invited to go out to lunch and a movie for someone's birthday tomorrow with a bunch of other people, but I'm honestly not feeling it at all. The fact that they're likely going to smoke is pushing me farther away as well, as I'm trying to avoid smoking now.

My "problems" don't really add up to much compared to the stuff some of you guys are facing, but I still can't bring myself up. I just feel completely out of sync with everything.

Would there be any interest in a weekly CBT group? I can't guarantee it will be good, but I bet I can sucker Prax into leading it with me, and she's pretty smart.

Why not? I'd be down. Not sure if I'd be able to make it every week, but it sounds interesting.

 

[Wilsongt]

I was doing okay for a few days there. Then last night things just sort of hit me again, including thinking about someone I shouldn't be and all.

Needless to say, this morning has been pretty rough.

 

[Collete]

I generally don't post very much on this site, who am I kidding, I rarely post at all. I know the feeling you're going through. The burden you feel that you are to everyone that knows you. The thought of "Can I really deal with these shit feelings/thoughts for the rest of my life?" I'm in the same boat. I just recently got out of rehab for addiction problems. I coped with reality by trying to escape it. I've ruined plenty of relationships with girlfriends and friends. I've hurt my family countless times. I've been trying to finish school for what seems an eternity now. I'm pretty much at wits end.

It's not easy, but I keep pushing forward. I don't do it for past relationships/friendships that could have been. I don't do it for my family. I don't do it for my school or job. I do it for me. I'm bi-polar and depressed. I'm socially awkward. Yet, I know I have to much to offer to just give up. That's exactly what I tried to do twice a couple of years ago. I tried to exit the stage of life. I look back now and realize who would I've made happy? No one.

Look, everyday is not going to be beautiful and amazing. I don't think anyone on this planet has a perfect day everyday. Though, some can cope better then others. Also, not everyone does battle with severe depression and mood disorders like you or me. We ride this raging storm inside of us day in and day out. Don't let yourself believe that you aren't strong because you are. The proof is that you are still here. Another point of advice is don't isolate. Our greatest enemy is our own thoughts. Our minds can be a scary place to be alone.

As I have said before, not everyday is great. If you keep pushing forward things will look up. Try to be positive. Be productive. Generally, the case is that you aren't a despicable person. Chances are, you're well liked. It's just... you don't like yourself. Give yourself short and long term goals to show that you are worth something. Remember, it doesn't happen in one day. Yet, take everything one day at a time. It's much easier to focus on whats at hand. Everything will fall into place. Then, when you do have those good days you'll cherish them and when the bad ones come you'll know it's only temporary.

I hope I was of some help.

Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it. However even my short term goals as of late are just laughable. It took me 12 hours to convince myself to get up and go get the damn mail. It was only a 5 minute walk to get it, but felt like the longest walk of my life. I just can't be positive with how things are going in my life these days though...Doing things for myself like taking care of myself is just something I barely have done in the past 10 years.
I've been pushing forward by default for the majority of my life but nothing good happens. I try to be productive and write my damn book but I just think, who the hell am I kidding? It's a fucking disaster, why bother...Someone also told me to take it one day at a time, which I'm trying to do these days but my mindset of always thinking the future and being negative is hard wired in my brain. I guess it will take some time getting used to....

RIP uchip, just saw what happened in the other thread. Sorry to see you go.
All the best for the future, I hope you find a way out of the misery, somehow. If that shit is even possible.

As for me, more and more I'm coming to the conclusion that I am fucked for good. My anxiety is never going away, and along with that, my depression is here to stay too. Oh and did I mention I also have ADHS and my fucking shrink doesn't want to prescribe me adderall/ritalin, even though I have the attention span of a hummingbird on crack cocaine?

Things I'll never have:
- a life among people that doesn't involve severe anxiety every single day
- a fulfilling job
- a girlfriend/wife
- kid(s)

Yeah, fuck life. Luckily (?) I'm too lazy to jump through the 5 bazillion hoops that stand between me and getting a gun. Seems like I'll continue plodding along my miserable path towards a master's degree and, eventually, a phD; and start living a miserable life off unemployment benefits afterwards.

Wait what happened to uchip?...

Can't you find a different shrink that will prescribe the medicine? What about normal doctors?

Your list reminds me of mine but it's like this:

- a life where I don't feel like I'm drowning and every day is like living in hell.
- a life where I can retire early
- Someone that actually doesn't break their promises and loves me.
- Publish a damn book
- Live in peace in a valley in Japan near the Hinoki trees (the name of the valley is slipping from my mind)

I was also planning to buy a gun in December when everything was relatively calm and just end it. But I knew I couldn't wait 2 months or whatever the wait was to get the gun...I probably wouldn't past the mental evaluation to get a gun license either...
What are you getting a PhD in anyways?
Just know, even though we'll walk and talk a shell of our former self, we're doing this shit together.

Find me on Skype or Steam. I've got tomorrow off, so I'll probably even stay up past 9:00 tonight. I feel bad that I haven't been around more for people.

I'm certainly not giving up on you any time soon. You're my friend and I care about you.

It might not sound great, but we should talk about meds. The sad fact is, meds are cheaper and easier to get. 75% of ADs are prescribed by primary care docs. I can help you pick one to try - you try to pick your side effects - if you have trouble sleeping, you pick one that is sedating, etc.
What are you getting a PhD in anyways?

Would there be any interest in a weekly CBT group? I can't guarantee it will be good, but I bet I can sucker Prax into leading it with me, and she's pretty smart.

Don't worry about me bagels.

 

[Bagels]

Don't worry about me bagels.

Not going to happen. We can find you help.

 

[lunch]

Wait what happened to uchip?...

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837031&postcount=2399
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837044&postcount=2400

 

[Bel Marduk]

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837031&postcount=2399
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837044&postcount=2400

I hope he one day gets the help he needs.

 

[Collete]

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837031&postcount=2399
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837044&postcount=2400

I hope he one day gets the help he needs.

*sigh*

Same. I hope he can find peace.

 

[Ashes]

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837031&postcount=2399
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=46837044&postcount=2400

By grove, this is glum news. :|

 

[EdmondD]

I apologize for the late responses. Fiction my condolences for your loss, the loss of a friend is always hard. Oomikami I hope you are feeling better please don't harm yourself. Neo Child hope you are doing good do not let your girlfriend walk all over you. Nimbus I'm glad to see you are going to a doctor. Good luck my friend. Bagels I think a weekly CBT group is a good idea please let me know if you need any help at all. I wish Uchip had not gone out like that.

I have been really stressed lately. I'm really worried about my 4 year old niece who has pneumonia. I hear her coughing really bad and she needs this oxygen mask type thing to administer her medicine. Children seem so fragile so it scares the crap out of me when they get sick. She seems to be getting better though thankfully.

 

[GlassBox]

Sheesh, first Combine and now Uchip. The most depressed members always seem to implode in on themselves. Some people just have rotten luck I suppose.

I've been having a hell of a week after being put into the Emergency Room for a bowel obstruction of all things. That on top of my unemployment and social woes has definitely brought things down a few pegs.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Everyone is telling me to just get over it. It gets better. Just think happy thoughts, you'll be fine.

I think there's something wrong with me, considering I've waited and I've tried all this.

 

[EdmondD]

Everyone is telling me to just get over it. It gets better. Just think happy thoughts, you'll be fine.

This is what people who don't understand depression usually say. As if it could possibly be that easy. They are unfortunately ignorant. Those who are severely depressed need medication and/or therapy. Empty words of encouragement aren't going to do a damn thing. I hope you can get the help you need.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Everyone is telling me to just get over it. It gets better. Just think happy thoughts, you'll be fine.

I think there's something wrong with me, considering I've waited and I've tried all this.

 

[Delio]

Lot of depression just hit me tonight. I always get this..feeling of always being alone no matter what. Hate this.

 

[Bel Marduk]

Lot of depression just hit me tonight. I always get this..feeling of always being alone no matter what. Hate this.

You aren't, Del. If ever you need to talk I shouldn't be hard for you to find.

 

[Bam Bam Baklava]

Lot of depression just hit me tonight. I always get this..feeling of always being alone no matter what. Hate this.

Loneliness is like a prison you can't escape. You could go to every corner of the world and it would still feel the same. But you got GAF at least.

 

[zoukka]

Everyone is telling me to just get over it. It gets better. Just think happy thoughts, you'll be fine.

I think there's something wrong with me, considering I've waited and I've tried all this.

Well these people are just plain and simple inpatient and maybe tired of dealing with your symptoms. It's given that some people around depressed people act like this eventually. I've seen it plenty of times and you just have to inform/ignore as much as needed. If it gets to you bad, you might want to consider taking some group therapy sessions as in bringing them to the sessions (if you attend any).

There's nothing wrong with you beyond your illness I'm sure.

 

[grumpy]

Everyone is telling me to just get over it. It gets better. Just think happy thoughts, you'll be fine.

I think there's something wrong with me, considering I've waited and I've tried all this.

Tell these people to fuck off and then go seek professional help. It worked wonders for me

 

[SirIgbyCeaser]

So i've been given a new Anti-D medication.

It's called Ixel: Milnacipran ... Suppose to help focus and give me energy. Its 25mg capsules of Milncacipran-Hydrochlorid.

Suppose to take 1 a day for 3 days, than 2 .. than in 3 weeks time maybe more.

Anybody got experience with this? I've suffered trauma last year that effected me deeply. Left me clinically depressed for many months now.

 

[Delio]

You aren't, Del. If ever you need to talk I shouldn't be hard for you to find.

I know. Thank you.

Loneliness is like a prison you can't escape. You could go to every corner of the world and it would still feel the same. But you got GAF at least.

It's weird I have a good amount of friends I can talk to online but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be around them. Like Im dragging them down :/

 

[Corky]

I've come to terms with that I have given up on everything mentally but the past weeks have been weird, almost feels like my body is giving up as well. Random pains everywhere, headaches, no appetite, can't sleep due to pain in muscles. Why can't I just not wake up one day.

 

[shintoki]

And it was one of those days.

Sheet

Gotta be happy though today

 

[ClassyPenguin]

I've come to terms with that I have given up on everything mentally but the past weeks have been weird, almost feels like my body is giving up as well. Random pains everywhere, headaches, no appetite, can't sleep due to pain in muscles. Why can't I just not wake up one day.

Ugh, it's been the same for me. Damn psychosomatic reactions.

 

[Kenka]

I've come to terms with that I have given up on everything mentally but the past weeks have been weird, almost feels like my body is giving up as well. Random pains everywhere, headaches, no appetite, can't sleep due to pain in muscles. Why can't I just not wake up one day.

The Corky I know is a sweet Rambo.

I can't envision myself in a situation where I can enjoy life. I can't think of what I could do to become happier, or rather a normal adult human being. Nothing springs to mind and that shit is more terrifying than anything else.

And a talented one. That has nothing to prove to anyone.


Remember you are welcome in here anytime.

 

[Sidewinder]

This is what people who don't understand depression usually say. As if it could possibly be that easy. They are unfortunately ignorant. Those who are severely depressed need medication and/or therapy. Empty words of encouragement aren't going to do a damn thing. I hope you can get the help you need.

What I'd give to be one of those ignorant persons.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Thanks everybody. I'm trying to get a doctor's appt. or something but my mom is one of those people who thinks I can beat it with some happy thoughts.