Goalkeeper - Peter Bonetti: Having recently conceded the Chelsea clean sheet record to Petr Cech, the 72-year-old, known as "The Cat" will make a shock return in place of the rested Mark Schwarzer. The first Chelsea Player of the Year is coming out of retirement in an attempt to wrest back control of his creepy hands-with-a-ball trophy from the Czech stopper.
Right Back - Fankaty Dabo: After a string of good youth team appearances, Mourinho has decided to hand the 18-year-old his full début at Anfield. Our sources understand Mourinho simply enjoys saying "Fankaty Dabo", and that he's considering buying the rights to his name for £325,000, after which the youngster will be known as "Trevor Watkins".
Centre Back - Will Ferrell: As a noted celebrity Chelsea supporter, actor, and movie producer, Ferrell is rumoured to have been in talks to star in a film featuring a band of misfits turning out for a Premier League club. Jose is thought to have money in the project, and is willing to let the American use the Liverpool game to get realistic match footage for the film.
Centre Back - Derek Saunders: This 82-year-old veteran of Chelsea's first title-winning team has expressed a desire to dust off his old boots and give it one last go in defence of the Chelsea name against Liverpool. Thought to be something of a weak-link, due to his age, but it's understood that he has a good relationship with his defensive partner.
Left Back - Cesar Azpilicueta: Not the usual one, despite the appearance. Our sources understand Jose's "Eleven Azpilicuetas" comment earlier in the season was a cryptic reference to Roman's clandestine cloning programme. This is Clone No. 6.
Midfield - Brooklyn Beckham, Niall Horan, and Marco van Ginkel: These three, comprising former Chelsea trialist Brooklyn Beckham, and One Direction member Niall Horan, who has rehabbed an injury at Cobham recently, and Justin Bieber look-alike Marco van Ginkel, are part of Jose's cunning plan to dazzle the Liverpool midfield into ignoring the game by looking for teen idol autographs for their kids. Marco van Ginkel may end up doing some prison time for creating fake autographs, but our sources believe Jose feels it's worth the risk.
Forward - Rio Brant: This Chelsea U10s striker has scored
40 goals and provided 39 assists in just 29 appearances this season. That kind of form makes him Chelsea's most-clinical striker, and has earned him a starting place in the League.
Forward - Peter Osgood: Perhaps not the best selection, due to the disadvantage of his being dead, but he will provide a rallying point for the living Chelsea players, and will creep out the Liverpool defence by being a spooky urn sitting on the pitch.
Forward - Roman Abramovich: Sick of seeing his expensive strikers failing time and again, the Russian will finally throw on the blue shirt and do the job for himself. There's no word on whether he'll be sporting a Vincent Tan-style football shirt, slacks, and tie combination, but our sources believe it to be unlikely.
