How do I prove to her I have changed?

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WhiskeyDiver said:
Good thing locks can change a lot faster than that.
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I shouldn't have laughed so hard at this, but I did.
 
In general, people don't change very often or very much. But assuming you HAVE* changed:

Consider that the fear of losing someone is often stronger than the desire to love them. Most folks have been through this and realize it, but once the reality of losing someone you are close to looms over you, you can manufacture a metric shit-ton of juggernaut-like feelings that can drive you do whatever it takes to not lose them.

This doesn't mean you truly want to be with them. It just means you don't want to lose them.

If you have already considered this and truly feel like none of the above is what's happening, all you can do is be honest with her in every way and hope she hasn't passed the don't-look-back point. If she has, there's nothing you can do except learn from this and let it make your next relationship better. If she hasn't, do a lot of listening and try not to talk your way back into her heart.

*Note that despite my sort of negative intro, I do think people can change as far as things like jealousy and all that it brings (like unwarranted suspicion) go. Oftentimes this is a result of youth and insecurity, and as both of these things fade a bit, so do the vagaries of being clueless emotionally.
 
MGrant said:
People don't change, certainly not over three months. Move on, learn from this experience. Nothing good can come out of begging this girl to come back.
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This. Move on, find someone else. It's hard, it hurts, but the sooner, the less painful it will be.
 
just keep calling and yell "I'VE CHANGED" into the phone and text the same thing when she stops picking up, then email it after she blocks your number, then carrier pigeon, then telegraph and so on.
 
I strongly suggest that you don't go on the date unless you're trying to make yourself and her feel worse. I could be wrong but I don't think it's going to end well.
 
OP if it makes you feel any better, she won't get back with you because she had a blast getting slammed by a bunch of military dudes and feeling wanted. So she's probably pretty happy.
 
Not going to lie, you sound obsessive, controlling, and frankly a little scary, even now. If this is the new and improved you, I can only imagine what it was like before the change.

You were the abuser in an unhealthy relationship. If you really want to be a different person, you should seek professional help. It's OK to be sick and need help. Just make sure you get it. Help yourself before you think about rekindling any relationships.
 
THEF3AR said:
I know this. I just feel compelled to make things right between us. Like all I want is to make her happy and I don't care about anything else as long as she is happy.
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She probably is more happy now, so if this is how you want it to be, you should just leave it alone.

Honestly, it sounds like she already knows that you want her back. Bugging her about it won't better your chances. Your best move is to wait and hope she comes to you. I'd give it maybe a 5 % chance which is better than what you're getting if you keep bugging her. In the meantime try to improve yourself and maybe meet someone else and treat them better.
 
Trust me man, don't go on that date. It will only make you miserable. Miserable. And even if you do somehow get lucky or some shit, no amount of dicking is going to fill the void in your soul. It'll just make you feel worse.
 
You don't need to convince her you are a better person. You need to be a better person. If she doesn't believe you, then that's something you need to accept. I believe that you believe that you've changed, but your obsession with trying to get her back isn't healthy.
 
OP, you have not changed in 3 months. You're just going through the motions for yourself in a futile effort to cling to the corpse of your failed relationship.

Break contact, go spend some time in therapy and actually work on yourself.
 
Man I'll just tell you to let it go. I made the mistake of thinking I'd changed, and she took me back. Within two weeks the shit started again and it was even worse the second time. Forget about it. If you're still convinced you love her, don't do a damned thing. If she comes back, great, but face facts that she ain't.
 
Glad you found God, but you need to think this through some more. Time and actions will show you've changed, and she'll hopefully see that too.
 
THEF3AR said:
What can I do to prove to her that I have changed. I mean besides through actions but what can I say to her to make her feel more confident in me.
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I know you said besides actions OP but I think that really is the best thing you can do. You can say a million different things to her, with all of the best intentions but unless she sees it in your actions it doesn't really mean much. You just gotta be patient, give it time and show her through your actions. That's the only way to prove to her that you've changed and that things will be better/different this time around.
 
Everything in this thread sounds like the charming and loving phase of an abusive relationship. He's charming her back and "fixing" things. Unless I see something different and more concrete information on what went down, my advice is to leave her alone. She's been through enough.

I mean, if a woman says she just "wants to feel safe with you again" that's not just a red flag. That's a siren and road checkpoint with armed guards.
 
About 3 years ago, my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me, partially for not making her feel loved and appreciated.

I spent a long time trying to convince her and myself that I knew I was wrong and that I could change.

Luckily she never took me back and we both moved on. Trust me, it's hard and it sucks for a while but in the end you'll be happy you put this behind you.
 
OP, it's not all on you, you know. There was probably an understandable reason why you couldn't trust her even if you were ultimately misinterpreting things and fucking up with your paranoia. Even if you do "change," she might not, and the relationship might continue to be difficult for you. It sounds like she doesn't really understand how you felt? It sounds like she never understood your paranoia nor made things easier for you to interpret? Did she try, OP? Did you feel loved enough to trust her? Relationships are two-way streets.

Don't tell her you've "changed," that sounds stupid. Don't use that word. Don't say you've "learned," either. Just explain to her your understanding of everything that's happened, and if it's a better understanding than the one you had before, she might decide you've been productive with your time.
 
I know I've said it's not all on you, OP, but hear me out.

I know you love her but you should have broken up with her when it was clear you were stuck in a cycle of worrying, when it was clear she was driving you insane. You tortured yourself by staying.

Have you considered that? You should have broken up with her long before she broke up with you, man. By not breaking up with her, you allowed the situation to become more complicated and personal and private and icky. She broke up with you because she eventually caught on to how you were really feeling inside. If you want to impress her with your new wisdom, tell her this: "I think I should have left you first. I couldn't handle being with you."

This will get you BOTH reflecting on how you two individuals messed up.
 
OP why don't you come back and face this thread which is hostile to your plan of action? Does it bother you to be smacked with the truth?
 
Is this HighSchoolGAF?

Nobody changes OP. Let it go. It didn't work out. Might feel like the end of the world now but in time it will hardly even be a memory.

Time heals all things OP. OP plz. plz OP.
 
I can understand what she's going through. She cares a lot about you but she knows how hard it is for people to change. Especially if you had shown yourself to be untrustworthy in the past. You can't regain trust that easily especially after its been broken so thoroughly.

Just be patient with her. She doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't even have to go back with you so take the pressure off her.
 
THEF3AR said:
I had a lot of personal demons that I never dealt with before.

Being controlling.
worrying too much.
Snooping on her.
never trusting her.
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You are merely suppressing these issues rather than you changing. Sadly, they come back to break the relationship again in the future(sooner or later). My advise is to actually address why you were feeling/doing all of those. But even still, it's going to be very difficult to convince her.
 
I had a bad break up not too long ago. Now I'm sort of with someone else and enjoying it. If you need to rebound then do it.
 
Not enough data. Who knows. What does 'change' even mean and how have you tested this? From a shallow glance high risk of you telling yourself and her what needs to said to stop losing her in short term.

Advise: Seek professional help, you will then have the best chance of positive change and also the ability to talk to her about your issues and what you are doing to address them. Its the best way I can think of to show to her that you are serious about change and that its an ongoing process you have help with rather than a dubious 3 month DIY job. GAF is probably not qualified to help you with anything serious.
 
It's very difficult to prove you have changed.
Sorry but you will always seems as a controlling bully with trust issues.
.you could ask if you could hang out as friends and show her that way. But she may think it's a front to get back with her.

May be best to move in and take these lessons with you
 
What if what makes her happy is being with someone better than you? You say all you want to do is make her happy so you should seriously consider this.

If you only want her to be happy with you then that's not really the same thing.

How old are you by the way? Is this a 3 year relationship that started in your late teens / early 20's or are you guys older than that?

Lots of people who have longer relationships when they are younger often believe they are in love and let it blind them to the flaws of their compatibity. I know I did. Then later in life with more experience you will meet someone and learn what actual love feels like.

Just make sure you really think this all through. It is incredibly easy to slip into old habbits if you surround your self with the same people (I.E. this girl). I would suggest applying what you learned to the next relationship but I know how you feel and wont want to listen. So all I will say is good luck and think about this deeply before you push anything further. Mainly, are you really doing this for her or your self?
 
I know you don't want to hear all this, and I know you're probably going to ignore it for now anyway, but please read on:)

You didn't change yet. You want to change though, and that is commendable and a good thing.
I've been there. I've had my own jealousy issues, trust issues, all that jazz. It fucking sucks and it's hard to let go of that. But the first thing you'll have to do to change that is not to work on the girl or the guy, it's to work on yourself. Get a new mindset, realize that the more you "dig", the more you remove any trust you or she have towards each other. Not figuratively, but actively and literally.
If you genuinely want her to trust you, and to believe that you're trying to change, don't push her into meeting up, talking, texting. Don't try to persuade her that you've changed or that you're a different person now, that's just silly. We both know you didn't and you aren't, yet, and she once was into you, not "a different person".

Leave her alone for a while. You're probably stalking her on Facebook right this instant, don't you. Close that Facebook site. Stop the texting. Challenge yourself to not start any conversation with her and to not stalk her online or offline for a day. Then another day. Sure, you will check from time to time, lots of people do, and that's fine. But remember, the more you invest into that, the more it will hurt you. And the more you're hurt, the more likely it'll be for you to hurt her. And if you really want to change, you wouldn't want to do that, I'd hope :)

It doesn't matter what you did, and I'm sure you did way more than you're telling here. That's okay. Don't lie to yourself though, and don't lie to her. Try to change, and mean it, and I'm sure you'll be better off in the end. Even if this particular relationship won't be fixed, you'll be in a way better state when a new chance arises.
 
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