I just found out my wife's been cheating on me

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The real bullshit about this is she's got the plan B already in motion, her offering to bail was seeking his approval to do it. Probably another sign of her insecurity, but he can say 'OK', and next thing you know she is posting pictures smiling on Facebook and going out having a ball with her new situation.

Meanwhile the dude is left picking up the pieces. Shit is 100% unfair. Depending on how prepared the OP was, it could be a hell of a time recovering, talking years, not months.
 
Just kissed my ass. She's a grown woman. No person just dates someone for months and only "just kiss."

It's trickle truth. A bullshit technique where your partner only reveals a small infidelity to release their guilt. Google it.

I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm saying this to make you ready for your next relationship. Identify this flag, so if you're in a similar situation, you know what to do.

Also: Get tested.

Sorry op. Get out ASAP. You will find love again. Trust me. Please don't try to make it work out. Save yourself the heartbreak.
 
That's not for everyone. I wouldn't enjoy such a thing personally.


I'm not suggesting being a man whore. I'm suggesting learning to enjoy the company of women who are not your wife while enjoying spending some time being single and all the perks that accompany that.
 
Well that's why I suggested not committing to any of them. Just have a good time and be honest about your intentions. It's refreshing.

I don't think I could get to the sex part. I'm too old for clubs and like I said, the idea of dating just horrifies me.

Hookers it is! (With maybe a little blackjack)
 
This, in my experience is true far less than you would think.

Many people cheat because they are insecure with themselves, and no amount of reassurance can fix that. They derive self worth from having new people desire them and they act on it.

Other times people have just been cheaters their whole lives.

People are fucked up and do selfish shit and there's not always a logical explanation for it.

I say this having been on both ends of this situation multiple times. I'm starting to believe monogamy and fidelity are concepts we're just not suited to as humans in the age we live in.

well in my case, i wasn't the one being cheated on, i was almost "the other guy".

long story short, former high school friend. she married early and more due to religious pressure than anything. mother died and she did not cope well with it even a year after.

i try my best to lend a shoulder and try to introduce her to new things like new foods, nice places to drink tea, and just lend an ear.

i guess she started to get a little too engrossed in my attention (she would text me constantly and even late at night). however, it all changed when she started to open up about her husband's seemingly laid back attitude and inattentiveness. it all culminated with her telling me one day that she had dreams about me and wanted just one kiss.

at that point i knew i had let things go too far and decided to set her straight and end the relationship. we never did anything physically, but i would be a liar to say i didn't feel some tinge of attraction near the end that honestly elongated things longer than they should have. but there were kids involved and i didn't want to take responsibility for furthering something. I put forth the idea of her going to grief counseling because her mom's death was driving her to do things she told me she regretted (drinking a lot and smoking weed with coworkers).

now i realize her husband was probably just trying to give her space since he always was a bit of an introvert and probably didn't know how to deal with the situation.

that's why i wonder if OP is willing to go to couples counseling to determine WHY she set out to do this. i'm not saying the relationship is salvageable but it might help him avoid a repeat in the future.
 
My condolences. My first girlfriend in high school was (I'm fairly certain) cheating on me. I came to terms with it after we broke up, but it was high school and I really had no proof but hearsay. I could tell you stories of what's happened years after, but it wouldn't help much.

On top of that I know too many guys who have had girls cheat on them. My brother. My cousin. My friend moved his entire life across the country, adopted 2 extra kids, and then found his girl in bed with another man. My co-worker has had 2 girls turn on him and start cheating.

And what I've learned is very simple and blunt: shit happens. I could say it's "something she couldn't get from you" which yeah- but in the instance of my ex she couldn't get it from anyone because she was looking on how to find what love is. So she just jumped from guy to guy, using whatever kinds of sexual interactions she needed to in order to try to fill her desire for love. In the case of my co-worker, the two girls were nice and sweet and wanted to break out of their shells when they turned 21. With my friend who sacrificed so much- he was seen as less masculine for taking care of her children while she worked.

Shit happens. It could take you awhile to get over it. To move on. But you'll find your reasons, your ways of dealing with it. Hopefully you won't be like me and find relationships to be even harder than they were before.

Best of luck either way. Just remember, head up mate. There's always a new day to start over.
 
I was married for 11 years. Still am, legally. I'm hoping to change that this year, but it's a daunting process.

In those 11 years my wife cheated on me with pretty much every person (Man, woman, cis and trans-gendered) who paid her any attention. She made no real secret of it. Each time she'd tell me immediately and be heartbroken at her foolishness, blaming her never-actually-diagnosed "Borderline Personality Disorder".

Each time I'd die a bit more, but accept it and choose to forgive her because we had two kids together. I never really believed her when she'd say she'd stop and come to her senses, but if there's one thing we humans excel at it's justifying anything at all we need to. I was there due to my trying to keep the home together for our daughters, and as I've said often since those days, if you wake up in hell long enough it eventually just becomes the "new normal".

People make mistakes.It's entirely possible that she's yet to pull the trigger on physical infidelity. I'll tell you this, though; If she's gotten to this point even, it's likely too late. Once a seed has been planted in the mind, it will come to bear fruit. Always, without fail. You can't put the genie back it's bottle.

It also might benefit you to remember, when you consider counseling or forgiveness, that you caught her. She didn't feel awful and come to you, heavy of heart, to admit her wrongdoing whether physical or emotional. Sure she admitted it, once you'd confronted her.

It begs the question how long she would go without your discovery. Would she ever admit it? What if she became pregnant? Would she tell you then? That would be the decent thing to do, but then again, decency would not have brought about this situation.

Personally, I wish I'd not been so forgiving/scared when I was in your shoes. I can't blame you, though. I never would have ended my marriage, I was too invested in the idea. It was only my wife coming out of the closet that saved me.


If you're asking how to move on, you do it day by day and moment to moment. For months I thought every day of when this madness would be over and she'd realize she still loved me and would ask me to come home. That call never came.

Eventually one day, about 6 months, I took my wedding ring off and stuck it in my wallet (Just in case I needed it again!). After another few months, I just threw it away and didn't give a fig about it.

I know this whole scenario seems insane and impossible. I know you're reeling right now. Just hold tight, man. If she wanted this to work out you wouldn't be where you are right now. I'm not saying counseling doesn't work. If two people really want to fix things I'm sure it can. I also feel that if someone wants to fix things they don't wait to admit their wrongdoing until they're caught red-handed. At that point they aren't sorry for their actions, they're sorry they got caught.

Just take it one step at a time. It's time to stop thinking about your wife and how she feels. She's made this mess. Now is the best time to think about how ol' kitsuneyo is doing.

It's about fucking time somebody does.
 
This sucks bro. Almost the same thing happened to a good buddy of mine who was with his girlfriend for about 8 years. We did what we thought was best for him and we took him to a strip club. About 3 weeks after he gets a new GF and 4 months after that he gets married and is now happy with a child.
 
Man, sorry to hear.

If you feel it's over, and she feels it's over, then walk away. Be proud to walk away knowing the fact that you did not have to hide your feelings behind her back with someone else. As some have stated, don't punish yourself thinking it's your fault if you are not sure what you did wrong. If you do know it's 100% your fault, then don't do it next time. But if you aren't sure, then it could be her. Maybe the other guy had her heart all along, it happens.

Think of this like a second chance at happiness with someone new. You now know how it is to be in a serious relationship and can now hit the ground running. I know it hurts, but think positive and make good out of the bad.
 
I'm sorry to hear your story. It's awful but here's some feedback.

-You can't trust her. She says she didn't sleep with him, but obviously she's not the most honest person around. Whether or not she did, if this is a giant obstacle for you to face, assume that she did because you'll never be able to trust that she didn't.

-Don't place the blame on yourself-No one forces anyone to cheat. An adult talks to their partner and says, "I'm unhappy and how do we fix this" before doing anything. Please don't accept blame for someone else's wrongdoing. Sometimes bad things happen to people and this would be one of those times.

-Try not to romanticize her or the past-You mentioned you've been like friends lately. Friends don't betray one another, not to mention spouses. It's an awful thing she did and that's simply the truth.

-It's better to be alone than in a crappy relationship-Not that you'll be alone in the future, but for whatever period of time it may be (if you decide to split), it's at least real and you'll be happy again. Thankfully you don't have any kids, so as long as you can split property, the split can be relatively painless. A relationship is only good if it enhances your life and it doesn't like this relationship was doing that. The idea of what this relationship was or could be might have been positive, but the reality wasn't so great.

-It takes two to make it work-Give yourself time, give effort, but be honest with yourself. She fucked up and it's on her to make this right. If she's unwilling to do that, then you're left with little choice. The nature of relationships is that they all end sometime. You'll be better in the future.
 
I was married for 11 years. Still am, legally. I'm hoping to change that this year, but it's a daunting process.

In those 11 years my wife cheated on me with pretty much every person (Man, woman, cis and trans-gendered) who paid her any attention. She made no real secret of it. Each time she'd tell me immediately and be heartbroken at her foolishness, blaming her never-actually-diagnosed "Borderline Personality Disorder".

Each time I'd die a bit more, but accept it and choose to forgive her because we had two kids together. I never really believed her when she'd say she'd stop and come to her senses, but if there's one thing we humans excel at it's justifying anything at all we need to. I was there due to my trying to keep the home together for our daughters, and as I've said often since those days, if you wake up in hell long enough it eventually just becomes the "new normal".

People make mistakes.It's entirely possible that she's yet to pull the trigger on physical infidelity. I'll tell you this, though; If she's gotten to this point even, it's likely too late. Once a seed has been planted in the mind, it will come to bear fruit. Always, without fail. You can't put the genie back it's bottle.

It also might benefit you to remember, when you consider counseling or forgiveness, that you caught her. She didn't feel awful and come to you, heavy of heart, to admit her wrongdoing whether physical or emotional. Sure she admitted it, once you'd confronted her.

It begs the question how long she would go without your discovery. Would she ever admit it? What if she became pregnant? Would she tell you then? That would be the decent thing to do, but then again, decency would not have brought about this situation.

Personally, I wish I'd not been so forgiving/scared when I was in your shoes. I can't blame you, though. I never would have ended my marriage, I was too invested in the idea. It was only my wife coming out of the closet that saved me.


If you're asking how to move on, you do it day by day and moment to moment. For months I thought every day of when this madness would be over and she'd realize she still loved me and would ask me to come home. That call never came.

Eventually one day, about 6 months, I took my wedding ring off and stuck it in my wallet (Just in case I needed it again!). After another few months, I just threw it away and didn't give a fig about it.

I know this whole scenario seems insane and impossible. I know you're reeling right now. Just hold tight, man. If she wanted this to work out you wouldn't be where you are right now. I'm not saying counseling doesn't work. If two people really want to fix things I'm sure it can. I also feel that if someone wants to fix things they don't wait to admit their wrongdoing until they're caught red-handed. At that point they aren't sorry for their actions, they're sorry they got caught.

Just take it one step at a time. It's time to stop thinking about your wife and how she feels. She's made this mess. Now is the best time to think about how ol' kitsuneyo is doing.

It's about fucking time somebody does.

Thank you for the post. I'm not the OP or an any sort of situation close to his (that I know of!) but I appreciate the raw, realness of your story.

What happened with your daughters?
 
I know this is going to sound rough, but be happy you don't have kids and you didn't find yourself in this situation. I know it sucks, but it could be worse. If you can't work things out (I don't blame you if you can't, this is a huge breach of trust that is almost irreparable), you can move on.
 
Thank you for the post. I'm not the OP or an any sort of situation close to his (that I know of!) but I appreciate the raw, realness of your story.

What happened with your daughters?

It's my pleasure. Truthfully, my marriage was an albatross. I was so sad and full of impotent rage I got up to nearly 400 pounds. Her coming out and forcing me to start over was the making of me. I'm down 180 pounds now, I've gotten promoted at work, and honestly I can't even really remember those days though it was only a few years ago. It's like looking back through a thick fog. I can't understand that man anymore, his life and actions make no sense to me.

My girls' lives are so much better now. Kids are smart and it's hard to keep secrets from them. They knew we were miserable. They knew mommy would spend a lot of time talking and texting other people. Now they have two folks who get along well and are both healthier and happier people. I think it's kind of awesome for them to get to know their mom's gay and trans friends. It opens their horizons and widens their world. In the small town we all live in, there's real value in that experience.

My wife is openly out now and I couldn't be prouder of her for being able to be herself. I think it's a good example for our kids that they see her struggle for acceptance and the value of being honest with yourself. The girls are proud of both of us and the changes we've made these past few years.


There's a lot of good to be said for starting over, OP. A world of great opportunities you can't even dream of right now.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that, man. That's rough. Wish I knew what to say, but I can't imagine being in that situation. Just try to stay strong and get through this, whatever way it may go.
 
I'll be the odd guy and suggest you take things a little slow. Every relationship will have rocky periods/tests and if you can survive them, then you will certainly emerge stronger for it. It sounds like marriage wasn't something you'd take lightly already, coming from the trauma of a broken home yourself- and it also sounds like you do really adore this person.
She was weak, perhaps she expected to be caught and then let you be the heavy: finding out about this, giving her an excuse to end things. Then it's just easier for her toto go on and keep feeling guilty about hurting you in a bigger way over a longer period.
I am not religious/etc but I do believe that if two people can spend some significant time in their adult lives together, being happy and still having enough of that spark, love, connection together, it's kind of a tragedy to just flush it away when there's at least a chance it can be not only resolved, but grown from.
You both sound fairly young, especially her- it sounds like she's not grow up yet and she freaked our and married "mr right now" before going through all of her own shit. This is by no means an unusual thing to happen, but this is EXACTLY the kind of shit which can come out of that.

You both need to take some time and just reevaluate everything. Disconnect and get on with your lives, as much as you can, and seek some inner clarity about what exactly it is that you both want. You both might be years (especially her) from being able to have such a realization. And things like kids, really, that's stuff needs to really be resolved before tying the knot. If she is fairly young/lost/confused then it makes sense that her biological clock hasn't kicked into overdrive yet (never a guarantee, but it's certainly not unusual that such a thing will happen)
Anyway last word, I'm sure u realize, this is just a forum, a sounding board for you in this time of strife. Take it all with a grain of salt. This event, no matter how it plays out, is ultimately of the biggest tests of your character and will directly affect the course of your future. Have confidence in yourself (sounds like u already do) and try to think long, carefully about what is best for you both.
Long term relationships are a lot of work for both sides. If you can't handle that notion then you are in for a long and difficult life- good luck. Is she, who you adore, who you trust(ed) worth it?
 
Been there, done that

GTFO.

As quickly as you can. Do not drag it out.

A quick kill is a good kill.

The sooner you end it, the sooner you'll be ok, the better for you.


Sorry if this sounds harsh. But you need to get out and get out quickly.


Sorry dude.
 
Just leave dude. The relationship won't be the same when she's cheated on you. Personally I have no tolerance for it.. you cheat on me, we're done.
 
Damn.. sorry to hear that man.

As others have said, just focus on moving on. I realize that seems incredibly hard at the moment, but just focus on yourself for the time being. I've never been in the situation, so I can't really relate, but times when I'm feeling down, I find exercising to be therapeutic. You might find something else to be therapeutic, but just pick up some hobby and stick to it. It'll be a nice distraction, you'll meet new people, and you'll actually better yourself in the process too.
 
That's terrible to hear, man. We're all here for emotional support when you need it. Nobody should have to go through something like this alone.
 
The new guy and her won't last either and she'll be sending you teary emails in the near future about how terrible of a mistake she's made.
 
The card talked about their new life together?...That is some heavy shit.

Sad but I would be done with her. A mistake is checking the wrong box on a test or putting the wrong date on a check.
If a person is cheating on you its a mistake with every single thrust and a mistake with every single word. What I mean is...a mistake isn't in any way the same as a person cheating on you. That is a full fledged decision with thousands of seconds and hundreds of minutes and many hours for them to realize their mistake(S).

Its best to escape without heavy baggage my friend. And also if you haven't found out what they did...don't even bother. Just end it and start over. Don't quest for the truth without need.
 
Get a lawyer now and proceed with divorce immediately - make sure you go for mediation first since it looks better for you in front of a judge - plus it'll save you more money.

Keep the card don't let her destroy the evidence - more evidence that you have the more leeway you have in mediation and in front of the judge.
 
You've been away? I wouldn't buy that she hasn't slept with him. Obviously I don't know much about her or you, but that is just very questionable.
 
No matter how hard you try .. how hard she tries .. how much you both put back into a relationship that has taken a dark turn - it will never ever be the same. Never.

One of you will never really be able to trust the other - every bad decision or consequence will be someones fault that you fight over - old shit will never not get brought up in the heat of the moment WHEN not if you have another fight down the line.

Without a solid reason ... a third x factor that could circle and possibly cement you two together as an outside influence... I see this only ending in sadness. Nobody ever really changes and if the relationship isn't what she needs it may never be.

Really sucks man. At least you got the bed :-/
 
Sorry to hear man. I've been cheated on before and it sucks but sometimes it's not what you're "doing" and more just inevitability that something isn't going to work out with another person. Cheating is the wrong way to handle it obviously, that's on her though. Don't let it control your life and most of all don't let it taint your future relationships. You owe it to yourself.
 
Yeah keep the evidence or make a copy.

Just try to have a situation where what's hers is hers and what's yours is yours. Try not to spend too much in legal. Get out as clean and as free as you can and then build yourself a new life. You will get over the emotional in time.

I highly suggest never getting married again. I'm married and it is essentially pointless ceremony. It didn't change how much I live and appreciate my wife. I know many happy couples who never bothered.
 
Experienced something similar. The worst part of your story was that it appeared she wasn't even regretful. Just a "you caught me" like a criminal on a TV show. I've found that after situations like that, the best revenge is just to find happiness without that person. Your self-esteem is of the utmost importance. And when her little distraction with this other guy doesn't end in rainbows and unicorns for her, she'll learn her own hard lesson.
 
Not to be a jerk but what did you do to push her away from you? A woman or man just doesn't start dating someone while they're married unless there's some kind of breakdown. Why didn't you fix things before allowing it to get this far? If you didn't care well then that's your answer.


Worst fucking post in this thread.


Sorry to hear about your troubles buddy, betrayal is hard to stomach and brings up many ugly feelings that so often we turn on ourselves.


All that matters is that you extract yourself from this episode of your life in a manner that means you come out of it as healthy and as stable as you can.

Take time and eventually life will begin again.


All we can do is learn from our past and carry the lessons forward into the future, all the wiser but with a few scars.

Scars are good, they are reminders of the harder lessons learned.


Don't waste time hating your ex wife, the betrayal is on her .........leave her to wallow in it .......... anyone without the balls to stand face to face and end a relationship without running around behind their partners back having an affair is a person not worth knowing.


Good luck, better things are just around the corner.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that man. Just remember two things. 1) She's 100% wrong for doing this... there's no justification for cheating. 2) You deserve better than that.

Hope you'll get through the pain and come out better on the other side.


Maybe I don't love her more than my own self respect.

Well said man; that's the right attitude to take.
 
The best advice I can offer you is to surround yourself with women, preferably promiscuous women. The last thing you need right now is to dive into another relationship. Being with other women won't heal your heart, but it's a great confidence boost and it gets your mind off poisonous thoughts all while putting a bandage over that nasty hole that's going to be there for a few months.

You need to reinvent yourself in order to beat this pain. Take risks and do (great) things that you never thought you'd ever do. Go places you never thought you'd go. Enjoy the pleasures of life. Make life about yourself and nothing else at the moment.
 
Trust is like paper... once you crumble it no matter how much you smooth it, it will never return to how it was...

Besides them planning to start a new life together instead of just being lovers would seal it for me

I have been there before and it's rough but it's better quicker than you would think
 
Sorry man. Cheating is one thing when you're young and dumb and the relationship doesn't have 4 years and a vow of marriage behind it...Your situation is another. You couldn't have done anything differently. She is meek and didn't have the bravery to tell you the truth of how she was feeling and the reasons she felt the need to find solace in another. You deserve better. Learn from this and bring the knowledge you've gained in to your next relationships (of which there will be many, and even better than your current one).

One word of warning though...don't let this betrayal define your life. This woman does not represent all of the women in the world, and don't let her infidelity build walls within you that keep you from branching out and forming new relationships. Please, don't forget this when you're moving on with your life. Don't let her hurt you anymore than she already has.
 
You ain't alone in that bed GAF is here, wanna spoon?

Sorry to hear about this at least you went and talked like adults should and not scream like children.
 
I couldn't imagine how that could feel. Relationships can be extremely complicated, stressful things. My condolences, fella. However it works out, I hope you find peace of mind soon after.
 
Wow. Next couple of months are onna be rough. But you will get thru this.

Only time can heal.
Get a divorce asap and move on with your life.
 
Why is everyone saying

"red flag! she didn't want kids!"

Are women supposed to want kids? I was under the assumption it was their choice considering they need to carry the thing for 9 months and go through labor.
 
That's terrible. But it sounds like she was relieved that she was caught, because she didn't have to break the news herself. From what i can gather from the op, it seems to be unsalvagable.
And from the other dudes point of view - would you really plan a new life together with someone you haven't even slept with yet? Maybe this is my Swedish culture standards talking, but it sounds really unlikely.
 
Why is everyone saying

"red flag! she didn't want kids!"

Are women supposed to want kids? I was under the assumption it was their choice considering they need to carry the thing for 9 months and go through labor.
Because OP does want kids. He wants kids, she doesn't want kids. See the problem?
 
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