Sorry to hear this, and they have fucked...many times. To believe they haven't had sex is beyond naïveté
And 4 year marriage with no kids yet doesn't help her staying committed. Run, you're free
Sorry man. Cheating is one thing when you're young and dumb and the relationship doesn't have 4 years and a vow of marriage behind it...Your situation is another. You couldn't have done anything differently. She is meek and didn't have the bravery to tell you the truth of how she was feeling and the reasons she felt the need to find solace in another. You deserve better. Learn from this and bring the knowledge you've gained in to your next relationships (of which there will be many, and even better than your current one).
One word of warning though...don't let this betrayal define your life. This woman does not represent all of the women in the world, and don't let her infidelity build walls within you that keep you from branching out and forming new relationships. Please, don't forget this when you're moving on with your life. Don't let her hurt you anymore than she already has.
Because OP does want kids. He wants kids, she doesn't want kids. See the problem?
Here's how I see it:
- You've identified a downward trajectory in you relationship
- You probably correctly note that this action is a way of her to sort of work her way out of the marriage
- She volunteered to leave when caught
- The affair is an emotional one and suggests that she is checked out from your relationship
- You have a major life-choice obstacle between you that bodes poorly for the success of the marriage
- Although you've been married for a few years and have a life together, you don't have children and there's no real EXTERNAL negative ramifications to divorce
To me, I wouldn't be focusing on the infidelity, I would be focusing on the fact that your marriage appears to be broken and/or over irrespective of the infidelity. Adding the infidelity into the picture, you have trust issues with her going forward.
Of course a divorce is a pretty huge deal, but it doesn't seem to me based on your presentation of the issue that there's an obvious pathway to dealing with the issues and repairing the relationship. It seems like stuff is over.
I don't think anyone said it was a bigger issue than cheating, but the fact that they feel differently about having kids means that the relationship was probably going to have some major long-term issues, so that fact coupled with the cheating means it's going to be a very hard relationship to salvage.when you have people acting like that was the bigger issue than her cheating on him, that just seems odd to me.
I think OP said that she changed her mind along the way, or was on the fence originally but has since decided against having kids. Something like that.I would think this should be something that comes up before you get married. I could be wrong and they just decided to not know each other before getting married
Is it just me, or are women more prone to cheating than men? I guess this just stems from my personal experiences. I wonder if there are any statistics on this.
I personally think it's the fact that it's "easier" for women to cheat. In society women are the ones that are often the recipients of flirtatious behavior while men are the ones who (usually) pursue. Thus, it is more likely for a women to cheat because she it is more of a passive action. It doesn't feel as wrong, whereas for guys there are many points in which a guy can choose not to pursue a woman and end the flirtatious behavior. He has to go out of his way to cheat and seek the woman out. However, this is not to say cheating is okay by any accounts. Both men and women are 100% liable for cheating and can end it if they so choose. I just think it's easier for a woman to do it.
Is it just me, or are women more prone to cheating than men? I guess this just stems from my personal experiences. I wonder if there are any statistics on this.
when you have people acting like that was the bigger issue than her cheating on him, that just seems odd to me.
I would think this should be something that comes up before you get married. I could be wrong and they just decided to not know each other before getting married
I'm not sure about this one. Tricky. As an independent observer, there are parts of your post that encourages the idea that you can communicate well with your partner. Talking for hours on end after finding out that she cheated on you is pretty good going.
This happened last night. Take a few days out. Most couples divorce over affairs; but most couples also regret that decision.
My honest opinion is that there is hope in this one. But I guess, judging by the posts in this thread I'm in the minority.
Get out. Get out now. They have fucked. If you don't get out now you WILL regret it later. This is a guarantee. Trust me. You've been warned.
Life goes on. It hurts. It sucks. It feels like the end of the world. It's not. Life does go on and you will be happy again. Don't be a chump. Get. Out.
Obviously no one can have a true perspective but OP. But I can't imagine fixing a relationship where my partner actually fell in love with someone else, started dating them, and was making "long term" plans with them - all behind my back. To me, this is just above and beyond a normal "cheating" situation. She essentially checked out, and moved on with someone else, all while stringing OP under a fake relationship.
I mean, I guess ultimately he would know more than anyone else. But it seems to me like she wants to move on?
I go straight downstairs and confront her. She admits it. She offers to leave.
How has she been cheating on you if she supposedly didn't fuck this dude
You CAN salvage this relationship easily by getting an objective third party to listen to you each talk about your relationships and help both of you translate what it is the other is saying. Walking away is an easy way out and you can't walk away anytime a bump in road hits you. Hell I can lob "trust is broken" in a lot of circumstances and just keep walking and not work on how I communicate. It's their problem afterall right?
Obviously no one can have a true perspective but OP. But I can't imagine fixing a relationship where my partner actually fell in love with someone else, started dating them, and was making "long term" plans with them - all behind my back. To me, this is just above and beyond a normal "cheating" situation. She essentially checked out, and moved on with someone else, all while stringing OP under a fake relationship.
I mean, I guess ultimately he would know more than anyone else. But it seems to me like she wants to move on?
Don't wanna say but I have a much better job than her. She says she doesn't feel like my equal... .
Well it's not like kids come up early in the relationship. You might find out later after you've invested in them emotionally and not want to break it up so quick over that.What were you thinking marrying someone who disagreed with you on having kids? That is kind of a mutual thing. It never works, I don't understand why people would even stay in a relationship for very long if they disagreed about kids. Once I hit about 25, I wouldn't date a girl more than a few times if I knew she didn't want kids. I do one day. Feels like I'd be wasting my time, when I could be investing my time in the search for the lady who bears my child and will be apart of my entire life.
edit:
Sorry, realized I sounded a bit dick'ish. I've been cheated on before, while it was not as serious as a marriage, I can probably relate and I know the feeling definitely sucks. All I can say is don't let your soon to be ex see you down and try to find something fun to do to keep your mind off things. Start a project or something. Call up an old fling if you have one and get laid. Or find a new fling. Just keep moving and keep your mind on something constructive and you'll be fine.
Grow up. Suggesting "the only thing this path leads to" as an absolute with no basis or emphasis how you come to your conclusion. People and relationships aren't flow charts. Many relationships have survived cheating. That's a reality that easily negates your in-depth "the only thing" position. I am eager to here about what surveys you've studied to suggest otherwise.
Your statement about how a relationship can never go back to what it was before is over simplifying the nature of relationships to begin with and makes absolutely no sense.
Relationships change over time as do people. It is an ever organic union one that needs a lot of work that both people need to put into to make sure both parties are on the same page. The process to negotiate boundaries and communicate remains the same regardless if you're standing in front.of someone you've never been in a relationship with or someone who has cheated on you.
It's one thing to say you would never stick around with someone who cheated on you but it's an entirely different thing to say s relationship can't survive. The two do not go hand in hand.
Hey, ilovecandy.
The detail is the least relevant to the story because it has no direct control over any of the choices OP or his wife can make. The only relevant question is why she would keep said card and that's for OP to discuss with her and work out . There are too many possibilities there. Some here have come to their own conclusions but I dare not do so myself because nothing, particularly relationships, is ever so simplistic.
What were you thinking marrying someone who disagreed with you on having kids? That is kind of a mutual thing. It never works, I don't understand why people would even stay in a relationship for very long if they disagreed about kids. Once I hit about 25, I wouldn't date a girl more than a few times if I knew she didn't want kids. I do one day. Feels like I'd be wasting my time, when I could be investing my time in the search for the lady who bears my child and will be apart of my entire life.
edit:
Sorry, realized I sounded a bit dick'ish. I've been cheated on before, while it was not as serious as a marriage, I can probably relate and I know the feeling definitely sucks. All I can say is don't let your soon to be ex see you down and try to find something fun to do to keep your mind off things. Start a project or something. Call up an old fling if you have one and get laid. Or find a new fling. Just keep moving and keep your mind on something constructive and you'll be fine.
A lot of unfortunate responses in this thread.
OP, trust is usually broken for a simple reason or two: namely that the two of you possibly could not figure a way to communicate to each other. Trust comes when boundaries and needs are discussed and are continuously worked on ("how are we doing; anything I can do that could help x y z etc ).
You CAN salvage this relationship easily by getting an objective third party to listen to you each talk about your relationships and help both of you translate what it is the other is saying. Walking away is an easy way out and you can't walk away anytime a bump in road hits you. Hell I can lob "trust is broken" in a lot of circumstances and just keep walking and not work on how I communicate. It's their problem afterall right?
Dude, if you want this to work and she wants it to work then do what it takes. Fuck all the presumtuous bullshit here and go with what you and she both want. But get someone to help you both. It's perfectly doable and many couples get through this.
If you're going to walk away, do it on your terms and not because you are relinquishing control to someone else who is not a factor in your life.
Best.
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught : 74 %
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught : 68 %