I just found out my wife's been cheating on me
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megamerican
Member
Do you think she was actually planning to leave you for this guy, or was she flattered by his attention and humoring him by taking these notes?
I know women at work that are happily married yet constantly flirt and take notes and free food from guys.
I know women at work that are happily married yet constantly flirt and take notes and free food from guys.
General Patton
Banned
Whatever you do, ignore this peanut. (Except the last bit).
You need to move on, so start cutting ties as quickly as the situation allows.
OP, Im sorry for your loss and moment of dispair,
But I urge to you that this is actually a blessing in disguise. Could you imagine her keeping up the games behind your back?
She was heartless. Someone who loved you would never break it off the way she did it to you. I urge you to let this girl go. (Yes, she's a girl. A woman would never be that cold)
It will not be easy. It will be aching and painstaking.
But at the other end, There will be a newly defined you. A reinvented and reconfigured mindset. And the freedom to persue any desire you wish. Days like these will come and go. You still have your whole life ahead of you.
But I urge to you that this is actually a blessing in disguise. Could you imagine her keeping up the games behind your back?
She was heartless. Someone who loved you would never break it off the way she did it to you. I urge you to let this girl go. (Yes, she's a girl. A woman would never be that cold)
It will not be easy. It will be aching and painstaking.
But at the other end, There will be a newly defined you. A reinvented and reconfigured mindset. And the freedom to persue any desire you wish. Days like these will come and go. You still have your whole life ahead of you.
I'm so sorry OP. Even a year later, I'm still dealing with the emotional turmoil that comes from a cheating spouse. Every time my mind wanders to that place and her confessing, a black ball of rage just wells up inside me. Very hard to manage. There are good days and bad days, and most of the good days involve being too busy or occupied to think about her.
Being betrayed is one of those things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
This is some really good advice. Thank you. I really needed to hear this myself. Have been in a dark place lately.
Being betrayed is one of those things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
This is some really good advice. Thank you. I really needed to hear this myself. Have been in a dark place lately.
when you have people acting like that was the bigger issue than her cheating on him, that just seems odd to me.
I would think this should be something that comes up before you get married. I could be wrong and they just decided to not know each other before getting married
Yep. I think we focus too much on sex when it comes to cheating (for very obvious and understandable reasons of course). But I think someone that emotionally cheats, and even goes as far as dating someone is far worse than a one night stand, or lapse. This is someone that has 100% checked out, and is already moving on with someone else behind your back.
I really don't see how OP can reconcile this relationship. It's over. But with regards to cheating, I think having a deep emotional/relationship with someone else is really terrible. My deepest regards OP. Hang in there. Do you have friends and family for support?
SpaceShark
Member
I don't think anyone said it was a bigger issue than cheating, but the fact that they feel differently about having kids means that the relationship was probably going to have some major long-term issues, so that fact coupled with the cheating means it's going to be a very hard relationship to salvage.
I think OP said that she changed her mind along the way, or was on the fence originally but has since decided against having kids. Something like that.
rooflapimp
Banned
Is it just me, or are women more prone to cheating than men? I guess this just stems from my personal experiences. I wonder if there are any statistics on this.
SenjutsuSage
Banned
Don't cry man. Don't give her that satisfaction. The worst thing you can possibly do to her is to show her how willing you are to accept that it is what it is and move on with your life. I don't know what your living situation is like and how easy it might be for either you or her to get a different place, but if circumstances dictate that you have to more or less keep living in the same home, then so be it.
It's okay if you still decide you want to be friends with her, and in some cases it's recommended that you maintain some type of friendship if you're going to be living together, but I think it's important that you make it clear either through your behavior or actions around her (nothing petty, though, of course) or the conversational interactions you two have that she no longer occupies the same place in your heart that she once did, and I personally think that you should keep it that way even if she suddenly decides that she wants to reconcile. I think trust in these matters is a very serious thing, and once you lose that you really do owe it to yourself to protect yourself from making that same mistake again with the same individual.
It's okay if you still decide you want to be friends with her, and in some cases it's recommended that you maintain some type of friendship if you're going to be living together, but I think it's important that you make it clear either through your behavior or actions around her (nothing petty, though, of course) or the conversational interactions you two have that she no longer occupies the same place in your heart that she once did, and I personally think that you should keep it that way even if she suddenly decides that she wants to reconcile. I think trust in these matters is a very serious thing, and once you lose that you really do owe it to yourself to protect yourself from making that same mistake again with the same individual.
I personally think it's the fact that it's "easier" for women to cheat. In society women are the ones that are often the recipients of flirtatious behavior while men are the ones who (usually) pursue. Thus, it is more likely for a women to cheat because she it is more of a passive action. It doesn't feel as wrong, whereas for guys there are many points in which a guy can choose not to pursue a woman and end the flirtatious behavior. He has to go out of his way to cheat and seek the woman out. However, this is not to say cheating is okay by any accounts. Both men and women are 100% liable for cheating and can end it if they so choose. I just think it's easier for a woman to do it.
rooflapimp
Banned
Yeah, this is a good point actually.
IsntChrisL
Member
That sucks man. It's good that you've accepted it's over though. She clearly wanted out.
Deified Data
Banned
I like to think that in this situation I'd be filled with enough righteous anger that I'd be able to bounce back with a vengeance in no time, but I'm sure I'd just be miserable like everyone else.
Probably just your own perception. I would guess that Women and Men both cheat similar amounts. I don't think gender has anything to do with whether someone cheats or not, as I think we are biologically inclined to want to mate with others (monogamous relationships don't always go in sync with what our bodies want) . Of course, social norms/roles/stigmas and expectations can impact this.
However, I think Men might feel women cheat more than them, given there was always the stereotype that Men always cheat. That mean cheat more than women etc. And I think Men also tend to put women on too much of a pedestal. So Men that don't cheat end up being shocked/devastated when their spouse or partner cheats on them. Lastly, I just think gender's always tend to assume the other gender does x more than their own gender. Wouldn't be surprised if you asked Women this same question, they would think Men cheat more than Women etc.
OP stated that she wanted kids when they first talked about it. Along the way, she lost confidence in her ability to be a good mother and changed her mind.
Her cheating on him is a big deal, but the act itself only emphasizes the problems they were having. People in a happy, healthy relationship don't just decide to cheat one day. I'm not saying it's the OP's fault, but he admits that they were having problems.
So the topic turns to whether or not they should try to fix things and stay together. Their differing opinion on kids is a HUGE factor (much like religion and government.) That alone would be a dealbreaker for some relationships because with things like kids, there is no compromise - you either have them or you don't.
The loss of trust due to her betrayal, the already existent problems they had up to that betrayal, and their differing stances on children, pose significant barriers to them staying together.
That said, it's up to them. Where there is a will, there's a way but they both have to want to work for it.
I'm not sure about this one. Tricky. As an independent observer, there are parts of your post that encourages the idea that you can communicate well with your partner. Talking for hours on end after finding out that she cheated on you is pretty good going.
This happened last night. Take a few days out. Most couples divorce over affairs; but most couples also regret that decision.
My honest opinion is that there is hope in this one. But I guess, judging by the posts in this thread I'm in the minority.
This happened last night. Take a few days out. Most couples divorce over affairs; but most couples also regret that decision.
My honest opinion is that there is hope in this one. But I guess, judging by the posts in this thread I'm in the minority.
Obviously no one can have a true perspective but OP. But I can't imagine fixing a relationship where my partner actually fell in love with someone else, started dating them, and was making "long term" plans with them - all behind my back. To me, this is just above and beyond a normal "cheating" situation. She essentially checked out, and moved on with someone else, all while stringing OP under a fake relationship.
I mean, I guess ultimately he would know more than anyone else. But it seems to me like she wants to move on?
UnluckyKate
Member
yeah this guy speak good.
i'm still wasted after my two year relation where in I sacrifice everything and moved across the globe for a girl I loved but no matter how hard is it to admit its over and you can't get these years back, you have to move on, it will take time, it will suck, but get your mind busy. You'll cry, feel lonely, and everything but that's okay. Just hang in there. Go get beers with buddies, go do mountain biking, get out there and waste energy, get out there and feel alive
If this was true, the conversation would be: I'm sorry, but I'm divorcing you.*
Then the op has no decision to make but search for a good solicitor.
The affair is in it's honeymoon period - adrenaline shot to the moon and back if they're discussing long terms plans in 3 months.
edit: *op's partner saying this to him.
Rocket Scientist
Member
You'll divorce, she'll have a short fun time with the dude, but then get bored and start missing you. At this point she will contact you and make you feel like she wants to make it work again, only to go back to the other guy or someone else shortly thereafter. Trust me, I've seen the previous GAF threads that went like this.
That alone shows that she doesn't care much about the relationship nor you. Get away from her.
Joel Was Right
Member
Wow. Just wow
This is horrible advice for anyone who was cheated on, but especially so in the OPs situation. Don't be a fucking doormat. Someone who cheats on you is not good enough for you. There's no salvaging the trust, the relationship can never go back to what it was before. The only thing this path leads to is a lot of self loathing.
megamerican
Member
Getting notes from someone who is smitten with her is not the same thing as making plans to leave her marriage. She may be unhappy and is stringing them both along, or she maybe just likes the attention, or maybe she does want to leave OP. All are fucked up in their own way, but not all are worth ending a marriage over.
I would consider your options very carefully and try to determine what was actually going on. If you believe she didn't sleep with him, then this may have all been fantasy. And keep in mind she will have a willing partner to run to while you will be by yourself.
IHaveCandy
Banned
I know marriage laws differ by state, but how common is it in the US for the male to be cheated on and seek a divorce, there are no kids, and loses the house even though he was the one paying the mortgage?
What were you thinking marrying someone who disagreed with you on having kids? That is kind of a mutual thing. It never works, I don't understand why people would even stay in a relationship for very long if they disagreed about kids. Once I hit about 25, I wouldn't date a girl more than a few times if I knew she didn't want kids. I do one day. Feels like I'd be wasting my time, when I could be investing my time in the search for the lady who bears my child and will be apart of my entire life.
edit:
Sorry, realized I sounded a bit dick'ish. I've been cheated on before, while it was not as serious as a marriage, I can probably relate and I know the feeling definitely sucks. All I can say is don't let your soon to be ex see you down and try to find something fun to do to keep your mind off things. Start a project or something. Call up an old fling if you have one and get laid. Or find a new fling. Just keep moving and keep your mind on something constructive and you'll be fine.
edit:
Sorry, realized I sounded a bit dick'ish. I've been cheated on before, while it was not as serious as a marriage, I can probably relate and I know the feeling definitely sucks. All I can say is don't let your soon to be ex see you down and try to find something fun to do to keep your mind off things. Start a project or something. Call up an old fling if you have one and get laid. Or find a new fling. Just keep moving and keep your mind on something constructive and you'll be fine.
NuclearSpy
Member
Sorry to hear your story, op but I read this and this is another red flag.
Just because someone doesn't have a job they want or their job prospects don't work out; it doesn't define your worth as a human being. Thats rediculous.
When you are ready to get back in the game, it would be incredibly refreshing to date someone who has a spine, op.
I hope you make a fast recovery on this, op. Honestly, this one should be easy to get over. You've spent 4 years married, don't waste another second mulling over it.
IHaveCandy
Banned
If anything, I think you should be glad you found out while you did. It would have really sucked to find this out another 5 years later and after a kid too.
Well it's not like kids come up early in the relationship. You might find out later after you've invested in them emotionally and not want to break it up so quick over that.
IHaveCandy
Banned
Yeah, but that's a bit easier to accept as a cheap fling affair. Not when the mistress-er is talking about starting a new year together as if he's in it for more than sex.
interactivemonodrama
Banned
I have been in a rough patch for quite long time even though my issues are kind of different from yours, but at the end of the day we are both depressed. Anyway I started reading a book by the title of Let Me Tell You a Story, from Jorge Bucay, and it helps ease the pain. Take my advice buy the book and start reading it.
Best of luck to you
Best of luck to you
Wind's Howling
Member
That is difficult, OP. But as most here said it is definitely best to leave her and try going on with your life. It is going to be very hard, but you do not want her back even though your heart might say something different. If you do that, she will see you as someone weak, and it'll keep giving her the incentive to stay in the same routine.
She made her decision. The moment she let someone else inside her life, she ruined the life with you.
She made her decision. The moment she let someone else inside her life, she ruined the life with you.
IHaveCandy
Banned
Not saying that I have the answers to this specific case. Just saying that an affair that goes beyond lust bites a lot more.
Opus Angelorum
Member
No kids involved so it's a clean break. It will hurt badly for while, but believe me you will move on with your life and find someone else.
My ex cheated on me after three years so I can relate.
My ex cheated on me after three years so I can relate.
SpaceShark
Member
It's been explained multiple times already, both by OP and then repeated by others, that they didn't always disagree about the kids situation. OP's wife's feelings about it changed during their relationship.
*hugs*OP already said they went to counseling. Besides it looks like his wife is beyond the point of no return and he seems to already know what he wants to do. If you've read this thread he doesn't seem at all confused with the situation. Sometimes you just got to let go and OP seems to be okay with that and I support his decision!
IHaveCandy
Banned
Yeah if somebody is saying he's 99% accepted its over, that sounds to me like its over but it's too hard to say it is over absolutely.
The Living Tribunal
Member
donkey show
Member
Yeah, tough stuff and I feel for you man. I went through a similar experience awhile back with my ex-wife of 6 years (I essentially got Ross'd, minus the kid) and although it might seem to be a good idea to stay close by being friends, it only makes the pain linger that much longer. I don't know whether or not you two will decide to work it out, but considering what you've mentioned, it will be easier for you to cut ties as soon as possible to get the space you need to work yourself out of this. Start hanging out with friends, do a bit of online dating, go do physical activities, do things that will help bolster your confidence.
The thought of being single again is weird after being in a long relationship, but realize that things don't happen immediately. Don't get me wrong, it's hard as fuck to do these things when you have feelings in the back of your head that it was your fault, what did I do wrong, etc. You'll have days where you'll be wanting that level of emotional security again by just being with her. But if you make the right steps to becoming an independent person again and understand that things are over, overcoming this pain can happen. I was depressed for 6 months and regularly hanging out with my ex until I realized it was poisonous for my own stability and essentially started running, working out, and threw myself into the dating scene once I realized I can't keep living like that. I'm now in my best physical condition since being in the army, have an amazing girlfriend, and really happy with life in general. It took awhile to get there and had as many downs as it had ups, but it's completely possible to come out on top.
Good luck and feel free to ask any other questions. Hope things work out for you, dude.
The thought of being single again is weird after being in a long relationship, but realize that things don't happen immediately. Don't get me wrong, it's hard as fuck to do these things when you have feelings in the back of your head that it was your fault, what did I do wrong, etc. You'll have days where you'll be wanting that level of emotional security again by just being with her. But if you make the right steps to becoming an independent person again and understand that things are over, overcoming this pain can happen. I was depressed for 6 months and regularly hanging out with my ex until I realized it was poisonous for my own stability and essentially started running, working out, and threw myself into the dating scene once I realized I can't keep living like that. I'm now in my best physical condition since being in the army, have an amazing girlfriend, and really happy with life in general. It took awhile to get there and had as many downs as it had ups, but it's completely possible to come out on top.
Good luck and feel free to ask any other questions. Hope things work out for you, dude.
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