I know GAF highly disapproves of this, but last night I got my first D.U.I.
For the last two and a half years, I've basically been socially dead---I go to work, come home, etc. Nobody I know from High School or College want anything to do with me it seems, so I was always alone. In January I struck up a brief online relationship with a girl, but that ended suddenly without any response from her. Finally, though, a few weeks ago a guy from work asked me to hang out with him and his girlfriend, and I actually got over my anxiety and had a blast. Since then, I've been going out every weekend---something I really haven't done since College, and things were moving really fast for me. I always feel like I need to drink around them to be interesting and worth hanging out with, and I've been getting really wild lately. Thankfully, I've always rode with them home as they're far more responsible when it comes to alcohol and don't have a low tolerance like me...
Last night, me and the girl hung out since he was working, and went downtown. The plan was this---I drive up, but she'd drive back since she wasn't gonna drink much. I didn't plan on drinking much either, but about an hour after we got to the club she just left---went to see another friend for a few minutes at another bar (ended up an hour almost), and left me alone at a bar which is the most embarrassing thing in the world for me. I couldn't be mad though---I mean, she's not my girlfriend, but I got really upset and worried people would think I was pathetic, so I drank a lot to ease my embarrassment. She finally came back, and we did shots---and then more, at her urge, and using my money. Honestly, this is a reoccurring pattern with her, but I'm too much of a coward to call her out on it and say no, like I said I feel like I'd lose my friends if I say no or let them down. Right before the bar was gonna close, she had sobered up, while I hadn't...and then told me another friend was taking her home, so I was basically on my own. She asked if that was okay, but in a half-hearted way and she really didn't seem to care about my well-being. I panicked---I knew I couldn't drive, and didn't know what to do. My parents are very protective since I live at home with them, and in the past had two suicide attempts---I wasn't thinking straight, and didn't want to call for help from them or get taken home in a taxi because I was terrified I'd upset them and they'd freak out and wouldn't let me go out. I mean, I'm 25, they can't stop me, but you know, I still show them respect since I live under their roof. And I don't have a lot of friends, so I didn't know who else to call.
I stupidly thought I'd be able to manage getting home, but ended up getting lost---finally I made it back to a place I recognized, and just wanted to pull over and call for help, when I got pulled over by a cop. He'd seen me driving around in circles, and so I got hit with a DUI because I was intoxicated. Terrified, I went to jail and spent 13 hours there---they didn't offer me a phone, and I was terrified to ask. My family and work all thought I was dead because no one knew where I was. The other people in the jail were yelling crazy "I'm gonna rape you stuff!" and other threats at me too because I was crying and they could tell they were getting to me, luckily they moved me to a cell away from that, but then I was basically left at the edge of the hall where no guard ever walked past, so I couldn't ask if I could call my parents or when I was getting out.
And---here I am. I fucked up big time. I've made mistakes in my life---plenty of them---but this is the first major legal one. Most of the mistakes I make are me messing up friendships due to anxiety and fear of losing friends, having issues at work, etc. At this point in my life, I was already at my lowest. A dead-end job, no friends (and now that I fucked things up, I don't want to hang out with those people again because they enable me I feel), live with my parents, etc., and now add the probable 1-year suspended license which is gonna destroy any hopes I had of finally moving out or getting a better job. I'm 25, live with my parents, won't have a license, and work at a grocery store. I'm literally trash. The only positive thing I have going for me is I recently got into learning Japanese which is the one bright-spot and goal I have at the moment, but even with that I'm doubting if I have the capability to learn the language as I've hit a wall in my studies. I just don't know what to do now...I'll be almost 27 before I can drive again.
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