ZQQLANDER
Member
Before now I've never posted about my personal issues here. But I have read quite a few threads over the years in which the creator discussed his/her personal issues and received insightful advice.
I'm a very private person, particularly when it comes to my relationships. Usually I only discuss my dating life with family or with several close friends. I'm also a part of a fairly large Christian community/social group in a major city. I've become quite involved over the years both with the church and the social activities. In my mind it's a great way to meet a significant other.
In January a young woman (let's call her Sarah) moved to the city and became involved in the community. We hit it off at a party, but I was casually seeing "Leena" at the time so I didn't pursue Sarah. I didn't want to give Sarah the wrong impression. In the beginning of March one of my close buddies said he was interested in Sarah. Even though I wasn't confident my relationship with Leena was going anywhere I encouraged my buddy to ask Sarah out if that's how he felt. I didn't have a right to tell him no.
A week later Leena decides to call it quits. I really liked her, but I could tell she didn't have strong feelings for me. While I was disappointed, we had only gone out several times over the course of two months. Shortly thereafter Sarah texts and asks if I want to go for a walk which I agree too. Things progress from there. We hang out every week or so: get ice cream, play board games, cook dinner, etc. We haven't had sex (waiting for marriage for that) or any sort of physical intimacy. At this point we are simply getting to know one another.
Until this week I had not told anyone in my social group we were seeing each other. At only two months it is much to early for that. However, the buddy I mentioned previously asked over text if I was seeing anyone. Not wanting to lie I told him I was spending time with Sarah. He immediately turned aggressive and said I stabbed him in the back. I texted back saying I'd be happy to have this conversation but I'd like to speak over the phone, feel free to call. He calls back immediately and reiterated how he thought I was his friend. He said he wasn't necessarily mad about me seeing her but the fact that I did not tell him. In his mind I was setting him up for failure as he was going to ask her out. I tried to explain to him my reasoning:
1) It was early in the relationship and I didn't feel like I had the right to tell him I was seeing her. I wouldn't have been pleased if they had hung out together but I would have been ok with it. I didn't want to take away his opportunity to ask her out.
2) If I had told my buddy it would have spread throughout the community which I didn't want at that point. While I love the large social group I'm in, there can be a lot of gossip, a whose who of dating. I didn't want my relationship with Sarah to be under that kind of pressure yet. Additionally, if Sarah or I decided to just be friends no one would ever be the wiser. We could be free to see other individuals in the community without people knowing our history.
That was my reasoning, but my friend went ballistic and called my character into question. He cautioned me on what would happen to my relationship when other guys found out about this. I'm sympathetic to where he is coming from and I'm going to reach out to him for an in-person discussion once things have settled down a bit.
I feel silly even bringing this up given the more serious issues going on in the world right now, but if anyone has any thoughts I would appreciate your input.
I'm a very private person, particularly when it comes to my relationships. Usually I only discuss my dating life with family or with several close friends. I'm also a part of a fairly large Christian community/social group in a major city. I've become quite involved over the years both with the church and the social activities. In my mind it's a great way to meet a significant other.
In January a young woman (let's call her Sarah) moved to the city and became involved in the community. We hit it off at a party, but I was casually seeing "Leena" at the time so I didn't pursue Sarah. I didn't want to give Sarah the wrong impression. In the beginning of March one of my close buddies said he was interested in Sarah. Even though I wasn't confident my relationship with Leena was going anywhere I encouraged my buddy to ask Sarah out if that's how he felt. I didn't have a right to tell him no.
A week later Leena decides to call it quits. I really liked her, but I could tell she didn't have strong feelings for me. While I was disappointed, we had only gone out several times over the course of two months. Shortly thereafter Sarah texts and asks if I want to go for a walk which I agree too. Things progress from there. We hang out every week or so: get ice cream, play board games, cook dinner, etc. We haven't had sex (waiting for marriage for that) or any sort of physical intimacy. At this point we are simply getting to know one another.
Until this week I had not told anyone in my social group we were seeing each other. At only two months it is much to early for that. However, the buddy I mentioned previously asked over text if I was seeing anyone. Not wanting to lie I told him I was spending time with Sarah. He immediately turned aggressive and said I stabbed him in the back. I texted back saying I'd be happy to have this conversation but I'd like to speak over the phone, feel free to call. He calls back immediately and reiterated how he thought I was his friend. He said he wasn't necessarily mad about me seeing her but the fact that I did not tell him. In his mind I was setting him up for failure as he was going to ask her out. I tried to explain to him my reasoning:
1) It was early in the relationship and I didn't feel like I had the right to tell him I was seeing her. I wouldn't have been pleased if they had hung out together but I would have been ok with it. I didn't want to take away his opportunity to ask her out.
2) If I had told my buddy it would have spread throughout the community which I didn't want at that point. While I love the large social group I'm in, there can be a lot of gossip, a whose who of dating. I didn't want my relationship with Sarah to be under that kind of pressure yet. Additionally, if Sarah or I decided to just be friends no one would ever be the wiser. We could be free to see other individuals in the community without people knowing our history.
That was my reasoning, but my friend went ballistic and called my character into question. He cautioned me on what would happen to my relationship when other guys found out about this. I'm sympathetic to where he is coming from and I'm going to reach out to him for an in-person discussion once things have settled down a bit.
I feel silly even bringing this up given the more serious issues going on in the world right now, but if anyone has any thoughts I would appreciate your input.