Orpheum
Member
EDIT: We're no longer together. Thanks so much the kind words of support and the advice. I've uploaded some pictures on page 5 of the thread if anyone wants to get an impression of what the trip was like.
Honestly i'm sitting here at work, completely distraught and i can't concentrate on anything for shit. Some outside perspective would be highly appreciated. i apologize in advance for the length, i guess writing all of this will also help me to sort out my thoughts.
Some Background info. My GF is 25 and i'm 28, together for 3,5 years. She suffers from depression but goes to therapy and takes medication which helped a ton. When we started dating we hit a really rough patch 9 months in. she was failing her uni classes and saw me at fault for everything, she started arguments over nothing and ultimately ended the relationship which she regretted 2 days after and came crawling back. This was before she went to therapy... so i denied getting back together until she decided to seek out help. She did and around half a year later we were back to dating and things had been alright since then. That was until last week where everything went to shit.
We started planning a trip to Sweden (8 days of canoeing) with a group of friends earlier this year. All about who would be coming along, where exactly we would go and how long we were travelling was well known to everyone as we discussed everything extensively in a whatsapp group she was also a part of, although she didn't contribute much (which is ok btw). Me and a friend did most of the planning but kept everyone up to date. Her interaction was limited to the absolute minimum, aside from bitching to me in private when she was unsure of a descision. It all came to a head the first time a week before our trip when she told me in private how much she hates the entire planning process and how she could have gone on an all inclusive beach vacation with the money it costs her to do this trip (keep in mind that she was the first one i told about the trip, and she was more than happy to come along. Moreso she told me how mad she would have been if she wasn't invited along). I apoogized to her about the -in her eyes- messed up planning process and how long it took...even though i wasn't sorry about it in the slightest to be honest. It all worked out well and please keep in mind i did all of this next to my full time job, i can't bend reality to plan everything in 2 days as i was trying to make it work for everyone included. In regards to money i can see where she's coming from but to be honest it doesn't really fly with me. She still lives at home, so no rent, i paid for most of the food/drinks whenever we went out (occasionally she paid), and she was working two well paying jobs next to her very few remaining uni classes so she saved up a lot.
So about the group... In total we were 8 people (her and i included) and she knew every single person who was coming along. I was trying my absolute best to include her in the friend group for the entirety orf our 3,5 yr long relationship but this didn't really work out. She's not really a peoples person and talking to humans has always been difficult for her. I didn't pressure her to do anything, let me be clear about that. However whenever plans were made i tried to include her, if she refused to go, no big deal. I always tried to balance my friend circle and the relationship to the best of my abilities.
About the trip... The first 2 days were great but that quickly changed. Seemingly from one day to the other she started signaling to me that she wants to be left alone... i can't really explain it but i was met with snarky side comments, passive aggressive answers and crying for no reason. I was trying to get through to her when it got worse but she completely shut down ("babe pls tell me what's wrong" - "nothing, now go away"). When i finally managed she started to cry and told me she feels left out by the group, we're all egotistical, talking only about trash/non intellectual shit, and she hates every single second of this trip. So let me adress every point one by one...
She feels left out
I also talked about this with my best mate, both him and i were shocked. I knew everyone was extremely polite to her but my friend told me all of the others had the same feeling: That she wants to be left alone, she was signaling it to everyone! i thought i was at fault for not trying to include her more but he made me see it the way it is. she pushed herself out of the group by acting cold, distant and passive aggressive and yet everyone was still nice to her.
We're egotstical
I honestly don't even fucking know where to start. That's the biggest bs i've ever heard. First of all she was the only vegetarian in the group and yet every. single. meal. we cooked on a day to day basis was vegetarian. She also mentioned she felt left out of day to day activities (fishing, collecting mushrooms etc). Now listen to me, whenever someone announced they would go out in the woods they announced it loud and clear, same with everything else. People joined or didn't join whatever they felt like, i was also left out of fishing once...so what? She never opened her mouth to say she wants to come along and i refuse to be her mom and beg for her to join. She's an adult after all and she has the capability to speak. Every person included is extremely nice, open and wecoming in general. The funniest thing is that one of my mates met my other friends for the very first time and he managed to make some new good friends out of this, it's definitely not the group.
She hates every second
As i stated in the beginning. Everyone was aware of what the trip would be like and who is included. She fucking knew what she was getting herself into and yet she still complained
We only talk about stupid shit
First of all get out of here. All of us (aside from her) work full time jobs and have to be professional on a day to day basis. When i'm on vacation i want to relax and not worry about work or politics so let me talk about trash. It's clear she wants to be more intellectual and her sense of humor just didn't align. This made me realize more than anything that she just doesn't fit with the whole group dynamic. And still we changed subjects when she joined in to not make her feel left out, my friends honestly did a great job of switching between being professional and being stupid xD
It all got worse.. after this she started to either not talk to me for extended periods of time or being extremely passive aggressive. I won't go into all of what happened afterwards but two occasions are still etched into my mind. One morning i was making breakfast for everyone and she was still in the tent, refusing to come out. I miscalculated the amount and one person had to be without scrambled eggs. I took my portion and gave it to her in the tent. A couple of minutes later she crawled out and said "who tf put this food into my tent" with a disgusted look on her face. She smelled it and said "i can't eat this shit". Now look....if you're not hungry i get it but one can be a lot nicer about it. It really hurt me to be honest. i was always trying to comfort her and make the experience better for her.
The second instance was on the last day. One kilometre before our final sleeping point we got into a heavy thunderstorm. My mates gf wasn't feeling safe so we went ashore and sought out shelter until the worst was over. My GF was complaining the whole time about what the fuck we're doing and that we should keep going. I was shocked beyond belief. Being in the middle of a lake with boats made of aluminium while a thunderstorm is roaring is stupid enough as is but as soon as someone feels unsafe it's no longer about what YOU feel is right to do...it's what THEY think is the right thing to do. Talk about egotistical. It only took 20 minutes until we were safe to keep going so what's the big deal.
So yeah and it keeps going. After we returned home I was made aware of some of the shit she told my friends while i was absent collecting firewood or something, and i honest to god just wanted to apologize profousely to my friends. but they all declined saying it wasn't my fault so we good...
The entire way home starting from the hostel, to the airport to our home airport she didn't say a word to me. I tried to initiate contact but she ignored me. I figured that she may need some time for herself or venting to her mother, and i'm going to call her after a day. So last week on tuesday we all got home at 10am. I left her alone for the day and didn't try to contact her. I decided to call her on wednesday at around 6pm, She didn't answer. I talked to my mom about it and she told me to just stop running after her like a dog and let her do the next step which is really hard for me as i have a habit of trying to sort things out as quickly as possible. But she was right...before the trip we had an argument which i tried to talk to her about, she straight up refused, i called her 6 times back then and the only thing i got in return was a text message saying "did someone die or what" we never cleared the air....
So yeah i didn't hear anything back from her for a week now and i was a mess mentally. Until monday i looked like a fucking Zombie, i couldn't sleep and barely eat. I was so incredibly disappointed that she didn't even text me "hey i saw your call but i still need time until we can talk", after 3,5 years she couldn't even do that one simple thing.
However i took the opportunity to take a good hard look at our relationship and if i want to continue. The answer is no. I'm not the right person for her, she needs someone who is all eyes for her (however in my opinion she's not even close to being ready for a committed relationship). For me it's important that my GF at least gets along with my friends, she doesn't. Her personality is incredibly difficult and i honestly can't take it anymore. Even if it's her mental illness that's responsible for this outburst i can't go on like this. In my opinion a person is STILL responsible for their actions or what they say during a depressive episode. there is something extremely flawed in our relationship which is beyond repair and since she went no contact, i was hoping she saw it the same way.
until yesterday night when i got a text from her at 10:30pm saying quote "Do you ever plan on talking to me again or what?" Like what the fuck is this shit. It's disrespectful, cowardly and goddamn childish to send this goddamn awful message to me at night. I don't even know what reality she lives in and if she even realizes what she is doing. I'm not even worth a fucking call. Like seriously is she the only person that exists in her world or is she aware that there are other people around her? I think this is so extremely terrible because she completely victimizes herself and is sure about me being the asshole in this entire situation. Im absolutely sure she expects an apology and is certain we can continue like nothing happened. Like dude I CALLED YOU LAST WEEK and you're coming at me with this trash response. I'm just unable to put into words how i feel right now. Either she really is completely clueless or she absolutely knows what she's doing because she's getting scared of what my next step might be and now tries to manipulate her way back. My descision is set, separation is inevitable, i'm just so extremely drained. I don't even know how to answer her message.
I guess this tuned into a rant and less of a question but i still want to thank anyone who read this
Honestly i'm sitting here at work, completely distraught and i can't concentrate on anything for shit. Some outside perspective would be highly appreciated. i apologize in advance for the length, i guess writing all of this will also help me to sort out my thoughts.
Some Background info. My GF is 25 and i'm 28, together for 3,5 years. She suffers from depression but goes to therapy and takes medication which helped a ton. When we started dating we hit a really rough patch 9 months in. she was failing her uni classes and saw me at fault for everything, she started arguments over nothing and ultimately ended the relationship which she regretted 2 days after and came crawling back. This was before she went to therapy... so i denied getting back together until she decided to seek out help. She did and around half a year later we were back to dating and things had been alright since then. That was until last week where everything went to shit.
We started planning a trip to Sweden (8 days of canoeing) with a group of friends earlier this year. All about who would be coming along, where exactly we would go and how long we were travelling was well known to everyone as we discussed everything extensively in a whatsapp group she was also a part of, although she didn't contribute much (which is ok btw). Me and a friend did most of the planning but kept everyone up to date. Her interaction was limited to the absolute minimum, aside from bitching to me in private when she was unsure of a descision. It all came to a head the first time a week before our trip when she told me in private how much she hates the entire planning process and how she could have gone on an all inclusive beach vacation with the money it costs her to do this trip (keep in mind that she was the first one i told about the trip, and she was more than happy to come along. Moreso she told me how mad she would have been if she wasn't invited along). I apoogized to her about the -in her eyes- messed up planning process and how long it took...even though i wasn't sorry about it in the slightest to be honest. It all worked out well and please keep in mind i did all of this next to my full time job, i can't bend reality to plan everything in 2 days as i was trying to make it work for everyone included. In regards to money i can see where she's coming from but to be honest it doesn't really fly with me. She still lives at home, so no rent, i paid for most of the food/drinks whenever we went out (occasionally she paid), and she was working two well paying jobs next to her very few remaining uni classes so she saved up a lot.
So about the group... In total we were 8 people (her and i included) and she knew every single person who was coming along. I was trying my absolute best to include her in the friend group for the entirety orf our 3,5 yr long relationship but this didn't really work out. She's not really a peoples person and talking to humans has always been difficult for her. I didn't pressure her to do anything, let me be clear about that. However whenever plans were made i tried to include her, if she refused to go, no big deal. I always tried to balance my friend circle and the relationship to the best of my abilities.
About the trip... The first 2 days were great but that quickly changed. Seemingly from one day to the other she started signaling to me that she wants to be left alone... i can't really explain it but i was met with snarky side comments, passive aggressive answers and crying for no reason. I was trying to get through to her when it got worse but she completely shut down ("babe pls tell me what's wrong" - "nothing, now go away"). When i finally managed she started to cry and told me she feels left out by the group, we're all egotistical, talking only about trash/non intellectual shit, and she hates every single second of this trip. So let me adress every point one by one...
She feels left out
I also talked about this with my best mate, both him and i were shocked. I knew everyone was extremely polite to her but my friend told me all of the others had the same feeling: That she wants to be left alone, she was signaling it to everyone! i thought i was at fault for not trying to include her more but he made me see it the way it is. she pushed herself out of the group by acting cold, distant and passive aggressive and yet everyone was still nice to her.
We're egotstical
I honestly don't even fucking know where to start. That's the biggest bs i've ever heard. First of all she was the only vegetarian in the group and yet every. single. meal. we cooked on a day to day basis was vegetarian. She also mentioned she felt left out of day to day activities (fishing, collecting mushrooms etc). Now listen to me, whenever someone announced they would go out in the woods they announced it loud and clear, same with everything else. People joined or didn't join whatever they felt like, i was also left out of fishing once...so what? She never opened her mouth to say she wants to come along and i refuse to be her mom and beg for her to join. She's an adult after all and she has the capability to speak. Every person included is extremely nice, open and wecoming in general. The funniest thing is that one of my mates met my other friends for the very first time and he managed to make some new good friends out of this, it's definitely not the group.
She hates every second
As i stated in the beginning. Everyone was aware of what the trip would be like and who is included. She fucking knew what she was getting herself into and yet she still complained
We only talk about stupid shit
First of all get out of here. All of us (aside from her) work full time jobs and have to be professional on a day to day basis. When i'm on vacation i want to relax and not worry about work or politics so let me talk about trash. It's clear she wants to be more intellectual and her sense of humor just didn't align. This made me realize more than anything that she just doesn't fit with the whole group dynamic. And still we changed subjects when she joined in to not make her feel left out, my friends honestly did a great job of switching between being professional and being stupid xD
It all got worse.. after this she started to either not talk to me for extended periods of time or being extremely passive aggressive. I won't go into all of what happened afterwards but two occasions are still etched into my mind. One morning i was making breakfast for everyone and she was still in the tent, refusing to come out. I miscalculated the amount and one person had to be without scrambled eggs. I took my portion and gave it to her in the tent. A couple of minutes later she crawled out and said "who tf put this food into my tent" with a disgusted look on her face. She smelled it and said "i can't eat this shit". Now look....if you're not hungry i get it but one can be a lot nicer about it. It really hurt me to be honest. i was always trying to comfort her and make the experience better for her.
The second instance was on the last day. One kilometre before our final sleeping point we got into a heavy thunderstorm. My mates gf wasn't feeling safe so we went ashore and sought out shelter until the worst was over. My GF was complaining the whole time about what the fuck we're doing and that we should keep going. I was shocked beyond belief. Being in the middle of a lake with boats made of aluminium while a thunderstorm is roaring is stupid enough as is but as soon as someone feels unsafe it's no longer about what YOU feel is right to do...it's what THEY think is the right thing to do. Talk about egotistical. It only took 20 minutes until we were safe to keep going so what's the big deal.
So yeah and it keeps going. After we returned home I was made aware of some of the shit she told my friends while i was absent collecting firewood or something, and i honest to god just wanted to apologize profousely to my friends. but they all declined saying it wasn't my fault so we good...
The entire way home starting from the hostel, to the airport to our home airport she didn't say a word to me. I tried to initiate contact but she ignored me. I figured that she may need some time for herself or venting to her mother, and i'm going to call her after a day. So last week on tuesday we all got home at 10am. I left her alone for the day and didn't try to contact her. I decided to call her on wednesday at around 6pm, She didn't answer. I talked to my mom about it and she told me to just stop running after her like a dog and let her do the next step which is really hard for me as i have a habit of trying to sort things out as quickly as possible. But she was right...before the trip we had an argument which i tried to talk to her about, she straight up refused, i called her 6 times back then and the only thing i got in return was a text message saying "did someone die or what" we never cleared the air....
So yeah i didn't hear anything back from her for a week now and i was a mess mentally. Until monday i looked like a fucking Zombie, i couldn't sleep and barely eat. I was so incredibly disappointed that she didn't even text me "hey i saw your call but i still need time until we can talk", after 3,5 years she couldn't even do that one simple thing.
However i took the opportunity to take a good hard look at our relationship and if i want to continue. The answer is no. I'm not the right person for her, she needs someone who is all eyes for her (however in my opinion she's not even close to being ready for a committed relationship). For me it's important that my GF at least gets along with my friends, she doesn't. Her personality is incredibly difficult and i honestly can't take it anymore. Even if it's her mental illness that's responsible for this outburst i can't go on like this. In my opinion a person is STILL responsible for their actions or what they say during a depressive episode. there is something extremely flawed in our relationship which is beyond repair and since she went no contact, i was hoping she saw it the same way.
until yesterday night when i got a text from her at 10:30pm saying quote "Do you ever plan on talking to me again or what?" Like what the fuck is this shit. It's disrespectful, cowardly and goddamn childish to send this goddamn awful message to me at night. I don't even know what reality she lives in and if she even realizes what she is doing. I'm not even worth a fucking call. Like seriously is she the only person that exists in her world or is she aware that there are other people around her? I think this is so extremely terrible because she completely victimizes herself and is sure about me being the asshole in this entire situation. Im absolutely sure she expects an apology and is certain we can continue like nothing happened. Like dude I CALLED YOU LAST WEEK and you're coming at me with this trash response. I'm just unable to put into words how i feel right now. Either she really is completely clueless or she absolutely knows what she's doing because she's getting scared of what my next step might be and now tries to manipulate her way back. My descision is set, separation is inevitable, i'm just so extremely drained. I don't even know how to answer her message.
I guess this tuned into a rant and less of a question but i still want to thank anyone who read this
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