I went to a party on Friday and being a shy introvert sucks

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OnPoint said:
OP, don't drink if you don't want to. People who say that have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do when it comes to alcohol intake. It's true that it might loosen you up, but you do what's best for you and figure out how best to attack a party with your alcohol preference intact.



Please. I've hosted a party or two in my day. I don't expect them to do a personalized intro with every guest. But if someone's new to a group you gotta try to get the ball rolling for someone somewhere and let them take it from there. And while I don't know how close they are, there's a good chance the friend should know the OP is an introvert that doesn't drink, lending further need to maybe give a slight leg up to someone who has trouble in social situations. Sometimes you need a little situational awareness as a host. I can't imagine a sober introvert is gonna have a great time with an apartment full of people they don't know minus one person.
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This us as on point as it gets. Dont change your habits just to fit in. If you don't drink then who cares what everyone else says. Be yourself and if parties aren't your thing don't feel bad. I have a small group of friends and I'm not that much of an introvert also I like meeting new people but parties just aren't my thing I get tired of them real fast lol. I will say also though that every party of a friends I went to they always made it a point to introduce me to their friends and made me comfortable. It only takes a minute or 2. To me it's just common sense and courtesy as a host....
 
Instead of drinking, how about you learn how to make mixed drinks or be the bartender at parties? It would make it easier for you to interact with people.

Tell your friend that you want to be the bartender or that you want to tend to the drinks. People will then come to you instead of you going to them. Stay in the kitchen with your phone, looking up mixed drinks for the alcohol your buddy has, find out what beers he has. People will come up and ask you what you're doing, "I'm the bartender. What do you want to drink? What do your friends want to drink? Shots? Mixed drinks? Just beer?"

Who knows, maybe people who also don't drink will come to you and just ask for a soda or water. People will ask you why you're the bartender, you tell them you don't drink, turns out the person talking to you also doesn't drink, and you two can strike up a conversation on why you both don't drink.

It won't be easy at first but it will help you OP. Good luck! ^_^
 
I always find it the worst when people who say they don't drink only get suggested to drink to solve these problems. For whatever reason they do not want to and we should work around that rather than push them to change.

Something I have found to help is to practice networking in a business contexts and take that experience with you into the party, made me more comfortable approaching strangers and to just chat about whatever is currently going on and so on.

Or go hang out with the smokers outside, at least you can hear what they are saying.

Get involved in truth or dare or I have never with your softdrink of choice and get to know all their secrets, hopefully it will reveal some of their interests, probably a lot of sexual stuff can come up but at least on your turn you can ask something that can help you socialize later on like: Do they have a guilty pleasure TV Show? If they collect something? If they hate their job? Have they traveled outside of the US/your country/been to more than five countries?

Something I haven't tried so I don't know if it is good advice, but try bring a pack of cards and set up poker or something.

KevinCow said:
Because, as I say in the thread title, I'm extremely shy. Also I have extremely low self-esteem. My first assumption about anyone is that they don't like me and want me to leave, so the last thing I want to do is butt into their conversation and impose myself on them.
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Ok KC, if it is really so bad that you cannot approach your geek brethren playing pokemon I will also suggest trying to speak with someone professional about this issue. Hopefully you will have some options, and even on your own shyness can be worked on by yourself, like TickleMeElbow.
 
I can relate to this until I turned 18, when I finally decided to try a drink or two at parties. What a difference it made, suddenly I was the life and soul of all the parties I attended. I guess it just kinda gave me some courage to come out of my shell and the next few years were the best of my life. Now I gave up drink and went back in my shell, sadly I'm not allowed to drink anymore for health reasons. You do not need to become an alcoholic, just one or two drinks can make a massive difference and give you that little bit of Dutch courage.
 
ferrasvansen said:
I can relate to this until I turned 18, when I finally decided to try a drink or two at parties. What a difference it made, suddenly I was the life and soul of all the parties I attended. I guess it just kinda gave me some courage to come out of my shell and the next few years were the best of my life. Now I gave up drink and went back in my shell, sadly I'm not allowed to drink anymore for health reasons. You do not need to become an alcoholic, just one or two drinks can make a massive difference and give you that little bit of Dutch courage.
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Needing to drink to come out of your shell is a pretty crummy way to socialise IMO. It's basically why binge drinking is a massive problem in Australia.

Having alcohol as something yummy which gives you a buzz is nice, but using it as a crutch to socialise is a surefire way to not learn how to socialise.
 
I think most people who think they can't learn to socialize just don't realize they have this big ego that's making them more socially awkward than they need to be.

I'm an introvert to the bone. I grew up an only child who prefers to spend her days locked up reading a book, surfing the internet, or doing some other solitary hobby. Frankly, I hate parties and loud music. Back in high school, I once angrily told off a classmate approaching me to leave me alone with my thoughts. I used to think I was socially crippled.

And yet now I can go and socialize at parties if need be, and even be the center of the discussion if I choose to. (My social skills work better with fewer people though).

What I realized are 2 things:

1) You have to put yourself out there. This means that if nobody initiates the conversation with you, you initiate it yourself. It can be about any mundane thing. Hell, I've struck conversations about the weather. I always feel incredibly awkward at first, but that soon passes.

2) Your ego is what's preventing you from socializing. You're worrying about what others would think when you open your mouth. Will you be able to say something witty that would make them instantly love you?

Hell no. Throw out that big ego of yours. NOBODY CARES about you, about what you say or do (as long as it isn't anything outrageous or insulting). Even as you worry about the other person hating you, they're also thinking the same thing: will I make a good impression on this guy? But instead of worrying about how to make a good impression of yourself, try to engage the other person by letting them talk. Ask them leading questions, and interject some of your comments along the way. Don't make the conversation all about you. Let the other guy talk. That's how conversations and friendships form.

My 2 cents.
 
Drinking to come out of your shell is the worst way to go about things at parties - not for at the time.

But for the future in general and other social gatherings where you might not be able to drink.

Nail it without drink and your set.

Alcohol free for 4 years and counting (by choice) no regrets I feel great for it

TBH - at parties where I know no-one - I like to wear something that'll generate discussion from other people
That's how I get around not being able to talk to someone due to being a shy imbecile.

Also - I can get a good read on people now and judge there character pretty damn quickly. Which helps on focusing who to chat to
 
Start getting to know people by asking questions. It can be very basic like how do you know X person etc.

Listen to other peoples conversations and jump in when you have an idea/opinion about the topic.

It's really not that hard.
 
1-It was extremely rude on your friend's part not to warn you that there was going to be a party and asking if you were comfortable with it. Also rude not to introduce you to anyone and make sure you had a good time. It is the duty of a good host.

2-Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable at loud parties populated with total strangers to whom you have not been introduced to.
That does not make you a shy introvert but just a normal human being.

In this situation:
1- Try to find someone who looks as bored and isolated as you are and try to start a conversation. After all you have already something in common.

2-Just do not put up with this.
Tell your friend how rude you think he is "May I have a word with you in private".
If a "friend" were to pull out something like this, I would cause me to terminate the relationship. I can't stand rude people with no social manners.
Then just leave the premises.
If you can, go to an hotel or to a youth hostel.
In any case, It's better for you self esteem to be out on the streets rather than feel like shit at a party.
 
Bloody_Five said:
1-It was extremely rude on your friend's part not to warn you that there was going to be a party and asking if you were comfortable with it. Also rude not to introduce you to anyone and make sure you had a good time. It is the duty of a good host.

2-Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable at loud parties populated with total strangers to whom you have not been introduced to.
That does not make you a shy introvert but just a normal human being.

In this situation:
1- Try to find someone who looks as bored and isolated as you are and try to start a conversation. After all you have already something in common.

2-Just do not put up with this.
Tell your friend how rude you think he is "May I have a word with you in private".
If a "friend" were to pull out something like this, I would cause me to terminate the relationship. I can't stand rude people with no social manners.
Then just leave the premises.
If you can, go to an hotel or to a youth hostel.
In any case, It's better for you self esteem to be out on the streets rather than feel like shit at a party.
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Or he could try talking to people. That seems ever so slightly easier.
 
Bloody_Five said:
1-It was extremely rude on your friend's part not to warn you that there was going to be a party and asking if you were comfortable with it. Also rude not to introduce you to anyone and make sure you had a good time. It is the duty of a good host.

2-Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable at loud parties populated with total strangers to whom you have not been introduced to.
That does not make you a shy introvert but just a normal human being.

In this situation:
1- Try to find someone who looks as bored and isolated as you are and try to start a conversation. After all you have already something in common.

2-Just do not put up with this.
Tell your friend how rude you think he is "May I have a word with you in private".
If a "friend" were to pull out something like this, I would cause me to terminate the relationship. I can't stand rude people with no social manners.
Then just leave the premises.
If you can, go to an hotel or to a youth hostel.
In any case, It's better for you self esteem to be out on the streets rather than feel like shit at a party.
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Please tell me the bolded is a joke. Please.
 
If you have that much social anxiety I would suggest going on a walk or finding your own space sort to speak. I almost never drank but I would still go downtown to bars with friends. If I didn't mesh well with the crowd they were with I would just tell everyone I'm going for food (at this point some people may join you or not). If I was alone I would usually grab pizza and look for local bands to watch. Make yourself interesting.
 
I'd consider myself an introvert, though I've made much more of an effort to get out of my comfort zone since I started university about 5 years ago. At some point, you just have to stop caring about what kind of impression you're making, especially when dealing with people that play close to no part in your everyday life.

In your case, you were at a party with a bunch of people you stood a decent chance of never having to meet again, so you really had nothing to lose by just striking up a conversation. Of course, the busier the environment, the harder it is. The ideal thing to do would have been to introduce yourself (or have your friend introduce you) to people as they arrive, so that there are only a handful of strangers at first and you're on more even ground. Once things pick up, you're more likely to end up feeling like you're intruding on someone else's conversation and thus isolating yourself.

Another thing that I've found helps is to go out and do things by yourself. Have dinner, go to a bar or other social gathering or larger event on your own. Before you can be comfortable interacting with strangers, you need to be comfortable being around strangers without depending on your friends for comfort. This also helps reduce the fear of people reacting negatively to your presence. When you're not bothered by your own company, you have close to nothing to lose by others not being interested in you.
 
Bloody_Five said:
1-It was extremely rude on your friend's part not to warn you that there was going to be a party and asking if you were comfortable with it. Also rude not to introduce you to anyone and make sure you had a good time. It is the duty of a good host.

2-Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable at loud parties populated with total strangers to whom you have not been introduced to.
That does not make you a shy introvert but just a normal human being.

In this situation:
1- Try to find someone who looks as bored and isolated as you are and try to start a conversation. After all you have already something in common.

2-Just do not put up with this.
Tell your friend how rude you think he is "May I have a word with you in private".
If a "friend" were to pull out something like this, I would cause me to terminate the relationship. I can't stand rude people with no social manners.
Then just leave the premises.
If you can, go to an hotel or to a youth hostel.
In any case, It's better for you self esteem to be out on the streets rather than feel like shit at a party.
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How dare his friend have him over when they're having a party that night without informing him properly. What kind of person would do something so terrible? Without being informed and mentally prepared, OP should just leave instead of daring to talk to anyone or having a drink to lighten the mood.

OP, you aren't that weird. Being social at parties isn't easy sometimes and honestly it took me a couple before I felt comfortable just randomly talking to people I don't really know. It really is just making the best of the situation presented to you. Kind of a bummer that the host didn't really introduce you to anyone but they probably got caught up in the moment. That being said, there isn't any reason you couldn't go see what your friend is up to and introduce yourself to some of their friends. Maybe next time?
 
Maybe your friend was trying to get you to socialize since it sounds like you're getting to that point in life where you need to learn how to Adult.
 
ferrasvansen said:
I can relate to this until I turned 18, when I finally decided to try a drink or two at parties. What a difference it made, suddenly I was the life and soul of all the parties I attended.
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I have to agree. You have to at least give a drink or two a try, if only to experience what it's like to have your inhibitions lowered and be able to open up to people.

Once you know how that feels, you'll realise that you don't need alcohol to be the catalyst for your outgoing side. It's inside you the whole time.
 
NaviLink said:
People whose only advice is "drink more" should really think again before posting that crap. You can be sober and have fun, seriously. Getting tipsy/drunk is not the one and only solution to have fun at parties.
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No, but it is a really quick solution to this specific problem. There's a reason people have been drinking alcohol for millennia and it has nothing to do with the taste.

Some of the replies here have been amusing though. People worried about alcoholism (because clearly this is an utterly binary situation), roofies, puking up over everyone, recommendation to stick to one or maybe two drinks ... Jesus. Am I the only person here that goes to parties where people get drunk, chat, maybe get off with each other and has a generally great time?
 
amanset said:
No, but it is a really quick solution to this specific problem. There's a reason people have been drinking alcohol for millennia and it has nothing to do with the taste.

Some of the replies here have been amusing though. People worried about alcoholism (because clearly this is an utterly binary situation), roofies, puking up over everyone, recommendation to stick to one or maybe two drinks ... Jesus. Am I the only person here that goes to parties where people get drunk, chat, maybe get off with each other and has a generally great time?
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Yeah this fearmongering about alcohol is funny to me. It's not going to suddenly lead you down a path of drunken debauchery if you touch the stuff. Millions of people drink every day and 99% of them do it responsibly and have a great time.
 
amanset said:
No, but it is a really quick solution to this specific problem. There's a reason people have been drinking alcohol for millennia and it has nothing to do with the taste.

Some of the replies here have been amusing though. People worried about alcoholism (because clearly this is an utterly binary situation), roofies, puking up over everyone, recommendation to stick to one or maybe two drinks ... Jesus. Am I the only person here that goes to parties where people get drunk, chat, maybe get off with each other and has a generally great time?
Click to expand...

What's your age bracket? Like, what age groups do you hang with?

When I was a late teen parties tended to be about drinking, sex, and "inspirational chats" (see: getting your mind "blowen" by drunken logic). These days if I'm with some people it tends to be about the activities - watching movies, playing games, going out to eat - then just the alcohol. The alcohol is something on the side, no longer the focus.
 
dity said:
What's your age bracket? Like, what age groups do you hang with?

When I was a late teen parties tended to be about drinking, sex, and "inspirational chats" (see: getting your mind "blowen" by drunken logic). These days if I'm with some people it tends to be about the activities - watching movies, playing games, going out to eat - then just the alcohol. The alcohol is something on the side, no longer the focus.
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I'll be 42 this year. My group of friends range from early twenties to late forties. Lindy Hop is a large reason for this, I dance socially and there's quite a varied age range there. I also working in the games industry and am one of the oldest people in this company, so I am with people a decade younger than me five days a week.

ETA:
I'm also from the UK, a country known for drinking, and live in Sweden, a country known for drinking. They are both basically binge drinking countries, although the UK is even more so.
 
KevinCow said:
Because, as I say in the thread title, I'm extremely shy. Also I have extremely low self-esteem. My first assumption about anyone is that they don't like me and want me to leave, so the last thing I want to do is butt into their conversation and impose myself on them.
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In all honesty, if you didn't feel comfortable 'butting in' to this conversation, which would appear at least on the surface to be one of the most accessible situations you could possibly be in at a party (when I say 'you', I specifically mean for 'you' - you're obviously into gaming, and I can't imagine they would shun you), then I doubt you're going to find any situations that are any easier.

Its time to make a plunge of some sort - my suggestion would be to 'just go for it', have a couple of drinks and see how things go, but I'm aware that's easier said than done, so it might be time to seek some professional help if it really bothers you.
 
I used to be quite shy. But goddamn, getting drunk for the first time changed everything.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, conversing was extremely easy, and extremely enjoyable. It was fucking awesome, and i finally understood why people enjoyed parties.

The interesting part was that I retained the knowledge. And it vastly improved my sober social skills.

I'd definitely recommend getting sensibly drunk a few times.
 
dity said:
What's your age bracket? Like, what age groups do you hang with?

When I was a late teen parties tended to be about drinking, sex, and "inspirational chats" (see: getting your mind "blowen" by drunken logic). These days if I'm with some people it tends to be about the activities - watching movies, playing games, going out to eat - then just the alcohol. The alcohol is something on the side, no longer the focus.
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Its not an age bracket thing. People enjoy alcohol differently, that's all it is. There is this mentality being presented in this thread that going out and getting shitfaced with your friends = overated lame immature. It's really hilarious. Sometimes you just wanna have a few drinks, sometimes you wanna have a lot. Its completely fine if you fall in the later. A lot of yall are no fun allowed
 
Know exactly how you feel OP. I try to go to friends' parties every now and then despite feeling anxious about it, because I want to meet or talk to people, but there's just this mental barrier I don't fully understand and I can only watch everyone around me seem to hit it off easily, while I stand around awkwardly or stick with the friends I already know. You are nowhere near alone!

I do like a couple of drinks but don't like being drunk and disconnected, you shouldn't have to force yourself to act like that if you don't want to. It probably wouldn't help your self esteem problems either.

I wish I knew what advice to give you but I guess you have to try and engage in more social situations to get some practice, and not just big parties. Try talk to others who look alone or ask basic questions, it is absolutely hard but all you can do is keep trying, because not many people will notice you otherwise. Don't feel ashamed that you don't enjoy the same kind of social situations that others do though because it's more common than think.
 
Gotdatmoney said:
Its not an age bracket thing. People enjoy alcohol differently, that's all it is. There is this mentality being presented in this thread that going out and getting shitfaced with your friends = overated lame immature. It's really hilarious. Sometimes you just wanna have a few drinks, sometimes you wanna have a lot. Its completely fine if you fall in the later. A lot of yall are no fun allowed
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Going out and getting shitfaced isn't overrated lame immature, it's boring. I usually only associate it with kids who've just reached legal drinking age and bored folk out in the country with absolutely nothing else to do.

amanset said:
I'll be 42 this year. My group of friends range from early twenties to late forties. Lindy Hop is a large reason for this, I dance socially and there's quite a varied age range there. I also working in the games industry and am one of the oldest people in this company, so I am with people a decade younger than me five days a week.

ETA:
I'm also from the UK, a country known for drinking, and live in Sweden, a country known for drinking. They are both basically binge drinking countries, although the UK is even more so.
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I'm also from and live in a country known for binge drinking, but mostly from the younger crowd unless it's the bored alcoholics out in the boonies.
 
Talk to people, get to know them. Although most house parties are designed around the social activity of drinking so if you don't drink, you won't have such a great time.

Sounds like you need to loosen up a bit man, enjoy yourself more.
 
I know that feel.

I've got social anxiety and I don't drink either, though I heard it can help, but I also read people with SA are more prone to alcohol abuse because it alleviated their anxiety. I remember watching a documentary on RUN-DMC, and one of the members (I think DMC), said he started drinking before going on stage because of his stage fright, but before long he was drinking eight 40oz. beers a day.
 
whenever I meet people I don't know at a party I'll make small talk about the drinks or weather or whatever is easy to make an inoffensive joke about and then introduce myself.

"How do you know (mutual friend)"? and "What do you do for a living/what do you do for fun in (city)?" And usually go from there. People love talking about themselves and you just gotta set them up to do it by asking questions and being present.
 
I really take for granted how easy it is for me to socialise. Whenever I read these threads, and this is gonna sound horrible, I feel better about myself.

Aside from me apparently being an asshole and feeling better from these threads, there is a small positive. I do try and go out of my way to talk to people who look really uncomfortable at parties. Sometimes starting a conversation with people who really can't helps them get the ball rolling I find. And reading how tough some people find it makes me want to help a stranger at a party by just doing what comes easy to me.

Very easy to forget that not everyone can socialise easily.
 
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