Tournament of Death IX Part 4: ENDGAME
(part 3 like...a few posts up)
Ah heck, time to inject the thread with another lethal dosage of ultraviolence and kill it once and for all.
Bonus match: Brain Damage vs Drake Younger in a"sit and hit" Tai Pei deathmatch
Hey this isn’t the finals! Drake Younger has some sort of title belt so good for him, this match’s gimmick involves both men dunking their taped hands into a bucket of glass shard that stick to the tape giving a second more literal meaning to the term glass jaw if they land a an uppercut.
Younger is weaving about boxer style, commentary suggest the Little Mac tactic since he’s a smaller wrassler, ah they must mean spamming super armoured smash attacks.
BrainDamage ain’t doing great, he takes glass enhanced mounted punches from Drake and then gets the bucket dumped over his head. Yet another twist on a glass jaw now as Drake grabs a handful of shards and pops them in Brain’s mouth following up with a punch that causes Brain to spew shards all over the shop.
Eventually Brain Damage actually lands a glass punch when Drake goes for a flying stand, he follows up propping Drake’s head on a standing steel chair and hitting a knee drop off the top to the back of Drake’s skull, Brain Damage bringing the brain damage.
Brain has the Darth Maul version of the watercooler stick which is to say it has double the bottle heads, of course that’s only a two count. Drake hits a death valley driver onto a chair, that’s also a two count, Michinoku driver from Brain through barbed wire glass tubes, yep it’s a two count again. I’m convinced these matches just end when both wrestlers decide they’ve had enough and settle on something being a three count so they can nurse their wounds.
Drake’s busted open pretty bad, to the point that Brain applies pressure to his head and the red stuff is flowing out like a water fountain, how lovely!
Next Spot: Drake performs a Superplex onto a steel chair that’s angled slightly on the “Darth Maul”, two count…
Powerbomb from Brain onto glass tubes, two count…
Package piledriver on the mat from Brain, oh look at that it’s a three count.
Between this and the previous cradle pin I think my theory of them ending when they feel like it gains more weight, weapon spots until you can’t spot no more.
Finals - JC Bailey vs Scotty Vortekz: Tables, Ladders, Light Tubes, OH MY!
(seriously, why would you dive off the ladder as well you berk?!)
At last the finals are afoot, two somewhat skinny baggy short wearing dudes were not entirely who I expected to see as tournament of death finalists but well here we are.
Speaking of shorts Bailey’s once white shorts are tainted with a fair bit of red, perhaps by the end of the match the red dye job will be complete.
We ain’t messing around here, we’re off with Bailey hitting a neckbreaker, a scoop slam and ascending to the top rope but just like if you were playing WWF No Mercy you’d know that going for such high risk moves is a fools game right off the bat as Scotty gets up pretty much immediately and shoves Bailey off the top rope to the outside where there just so happens to be a glass tube laden table waiting, what a coincidence!
Just to prove how meaningless half these big spots are Bailey is evenly matched against scotty in the fight for momentum about a minute later. Still it’s Bailey on the receiving end of the next hardcore moment, sitting in the corner with light tubes Scotty drives a ladder into him but the poor bastard must be knackered because nothing happens with a hit so soft that even the ever shattering tubes are still intact, well second time is the charm.
Bailey fights into an optimal cradle suplex position but before pulling off the move has to awkwardly drag Scotty across the ring and scoop over some light tubes with his feet because those things are pretty much mandatory at this point, heck the canvas might as well be made of somewhat shredding sugar glass at this point.
Moving on Bailey gets whipped towards a slanted ladder in the ring corner but decides that running up it makes more sense than flying spine first into it, sadly for JC Scotty is immediately on the attack with a back drop from the ladder but dare I say that the lack of blood in his system seems to have kicked in again because it was more back flop than back drop.
Scotty now needs stagehands to help him bring a standard wooden table into the ring, yeah he is not faring too well here. Scotty receives a light headbutt from Bailey that has him gasping for air long enough that Bailey can set up two ladders, move the table, get a log cabin of tubes from stagehands outside the ring and set up his contraption of death without being interrupted, and I repeat: from a light headbutt, he sold that for like two minutes.
Scotty staggers about allowing further plannage from Bailey who is now stacking individual tubes on the death pile he’s created, Scotty doesn’t exactly resist being dragged up one of the ladders as Bailey ascends the other so he can deliver the worst possible move to put his foe through said pile, a russian leg sweep without the leg sweep so basically they both fall backwards into the glassplosion, yup, Bailey basically killed himself, that was the most contrived and silly spot I’ve seen so far, my mind boggles, it really does.
Duelling chants from the crowd, well they’re more into this than I am, Bailey is just smashing tubes over Scotty like they’re the equivalent of standard strikes, that’s what these tubes have been reduced to. He grabs a barbed tube bundle which doesn’t smash and tumbles to the outside leading to that awkward moment where not only are you repeating a failed attack but having the dead time of leaving the ring to do so. Except surprise, he ain’t just going to repeat the same attack, it’s time for more top rope tomfoolery as he hits a double stomp through the barbed tube bundle.
You’d think that would be a three count right? nah of course it ain’t.
The most limp strike trading sequence I’ve seen ensues, it’s like a divas match in here but in fairness I think both guys are just dead on the inside and outside at this point, going through the motions until the match ends and they can take a nap, a nap at the local hospital I should hope.
Bailey puts a tube through Scotty’s legs and hits a kick to the nads though it requires three attempts to actually crack the tube, how can something be so soft yet so hardcore at the same time? It’s like a paradox in this ring. Bloody hell this is dragging on, I swear I hear some woman shriek “HURRY UP BY FUCKING GOD!”. Bailey positions himself on the top rope so he can be killed by his own tube set up in the middle of the ring, whatever little logic was left in this match has just flown out the window. And indeed by perching himself up there it’s the perfect position for Scotty to hit the Blue Moon Dragon off the top through the light tubes, and that’s the fourth time I’ve witnessed a JC throw themselves away illogically this year after seeing Viewtfiul JC get banned three times from GAF already in 2015 *cheap heat*
ONE, TWO, THREE! Bah gawd we’ve got a new tournament winner in Scotty Vortekz and immediately I see some fans sprinting over to their cars in the background to beat the dozens of other audience members to the exit.
Hyde is out to present the trophy, meanwhile more of the audience are starting their engines, such honour and prestige for Vortekz, he’s put his body through glass based hell only for a chunk of the audience to already have blown this backwoods Popsicle stand.
Scotty details his CZW origin story, his life has been leading to this moment since he first watched a tournament of death and grandma’s house or something along those lines and well I can joke about that but it’s actually more noteworthy than anything I’ve done so….shit.
And that’s a wrap, no more scribbles and text walls from me. Glass now officially means nothing to me, eventually this tournament is going to have wrestlers getting shot in the head and kicking out on 2.
The first round match ups were the strongest on account of every participant being fresher and the various hardcore gimmicks being more varied, then you hit the semifinals and it’s like the show is on repeat at half speed.
The finale was a plodding sloppy affair that was pretty much two gassed dudes bleeding out and collapsing into the various glass related spots, so really it’s everything I ever expected it to be.
I could commend the finalists for their spirit to carry on to the finishing line but really it’s easier just to call them stupid.