I'm glad you're sticking around. Need sensible people
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
LGBThread |OT4| We're (still) Here! We're (still) Queer!
- Thread starter RatskyWatsky
- Start date
- Status
Alright, I tend to lurk GAF a lot, and for the most part I like and agree what people of this site have to say. I also have no where else to turn but the anonymity of the Internet amongst intelligent folks, so I'll ask here. Excuse the ignorance that could be coming up. I'm also unsure if this is the right place to post this, so let me know if I should.
I've recently found myself really attracted to gay porn. In my earlier years, when I was in grade school and high school, I would sometimes fantasize about having sex with a guy. And while I'd primarily fantasize having sex with a woman, sometimes a guy would sneak himself in there. I don't know how the hell I rationalized it back then, but the thought would never cross my mind that I was bisexual or gay. Sometimes when I watched two gay guys kiss it would even disgust me, but slowly I grew unfazed by it. Then I slowly became kind of attracted to it, eventually I'd look up gay porn, and, much to my surprise, turned on by it, and I'd get a hard on and masturbate to it.
I've thought some guys have been good-looking before this, but I always chalked it up to the male equivalence of straight women calling one another pretty.
I'm in denial, and I'm incredibly confused. I want to accept it, but I don't because I fear the response I'll get from friends and family. I don't feel like I'm gay, because I'm definitely attracted to women, however this growing attraction to men is kind of nagging me in the back of my head as well.
I'm eighteen and about to go to college, and will roommate with a friend whose reaction I'm unsure of. My mother and aunt might be shocked at first, but I think they'll adapt. My father and grandmother, however, are staunch homophobes. I greatly admire my father, but one of the things I strongly dislike is his homophobia.
So, I have a question, GAF. Do you think I'm bisexual? Should I tell my roommate ahead of time about my questioning sexuality? Does he have a right to know? Or should I keep it to myself? Should I come out to my family?
I've recently found myself really attracted to gay porn. In my earlier years, when I was in grade school and high school, I would sometimes fantasize about having sex with a guy. And while I'd primarily fantasize having sex with a woman, sometimes a guy would sneak himself in there. I don't know how the hell I rationalized it back then, but the thought would never cross my mind that I was bisexual or gay. Sometimes when I watched two gay guys kiss it would even disgust me, but slowly I grew unfazed by it. Then I slowly became kind of attracted to it, eventually I'd look up gay porn, and, much to my surprise, turned on by it, and I'd get a hard on and masturbate to it.
I've thought some guys have been good-looking before this, but I always chalked it up to the male equivalence of straight women calling one another pretty.
I'm in denial, and I'm incredibly confused. I want to accept it, but I don't because I fear the response I'll get from friends and family. I don't feel like I'm gay, because I'm definitely attracted to women, however this growing attraction to men is kind of nagging me in the back of my head as well.
I'm eighteen and about to go to college, and will roommate with a friend whose reaction I'm unsure of. My mother and aunt might be shocked at first, but I think they'll adapt. My father and grandmother, however, are staunch homophobes. I greatly admire my father, but one of the things I strongly dislike is his homophobia.
So, I have a question, GAF. Do you think I'm bisexual? Should I tell my roommate ahead of time about my questioning sexuality? Does he have a right to know? Or should I keep it to myself? Should I come out to my family?
Aarglefarg
Member
Do you think I'm bisexual?
I do, yes. You report multiple-sex attraction.
Should I tell my roommate ahead of time about my questioning sexuality? [...] Or should I keep it to myself?
It is up to you.
Does he have a right to know?
No. The idea it could be a 'right' seems to come from the idea of predatory queers?
Should I come out to my family?
It is up to you. Have a Plan B if you think things could go badly (eg withdrawl of financial support).
Captain Europe
Member
Yes, and a horribad actor too.
Captain Europe
Member
Do you think I'm bisexual?
Yes, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's lots of positive sides to being gay/bi too, you'll see.
Should I tell my roommate ahead of time about my questioning sexuality? [...] Or should I keep it to myself?
How do you think he will react? Try to learn about his opinion on homosexuality, if he's homophobic then try to find another roommie.
Does he have a right to know?
No, not even if he asks.
Should I come out to my family?
What Aarglefarg said, only do this if you're sure they'd be cool with it, or if you're not dependant on them.
They might come around later even, they might not. Best is to cut homophobic people out of your life(regardless of relation) because they'll just make you miserable. You'll meet people/friends in life who can be your family and love you for who you are.
You're at an age when a lot of LGBT people are unhappy thanks to how fucked up the world is. But be patient, it really does get better as cliché as it sounds.
You're not actually doing that stuff though. I think it's possible for a straight person to feel uncomfortable about having to kiss a member of the same sex, but not feel uncomfortable when they see gay people kissing in public.
The way I see it is that chances are the vast majority of people that wouldn't take a job or quit one they already have are homophobic, but there are some that aren't.
Hours Left
Member
I just used violence as an example.
As an actor, you're not portraying yourself, you're portraying a character, one who may do things you personally would not do. (This is very likely in most cases.)
When you kiss someone on screen, or have a love scene with them, it's not you as a person doing those scenes, it's your character. If you are gonna refuse to do something based on your personal feelings, you are not doing the character justice. And if you can't portray something that you personally wouldn't do in your real life (whether it be by choice or circumstance) you are not gonna to be a very successful actor.
Frankly, it's silly.
Captain Europe
Member
But film/tv kisses don't require tongues, so it's not really the real thing either. And if gay guys can play straight roles all the time then why can't a straight guy play one gay/bi role?
Being so grossed out by someone's lips because of what they have between their legs is just weird to me. Especially if you're an actor, that just makes you unfit to be one.
Also, glad that you decided to stay =P
Hours Left
Member
The presence of tongue or not has little relevance. The level of intimacy is totally dependent on the project, the director, the story, the actors involved, etc. I can guarantee you many films/tv shows have "used tongue".
The One Who Knocks
Member
Regarding this being the correct place to ask, it is indeed one of the most appropriate pre-existing threads to seek help regarding your issue/confusion, so I don't really think you'll find much complaints here on that subject.
Regarding the rest of it, well, it is difficult to determine exactly, and only you can do so (or perhaps you won't be able to specifically label yourself, and that's ok if it is so), but I would think you're bisexual, certainly not gay given your attraction to women.
Part of your dilemma seems to be a bit of internalised homophobia brought about either by your immediate surroundings making it difficult to accept, as you state, so what helped for me in overcoming this is to try and consider if you have ever had a crush on a male friend, even if unwittingly, in pre-pubescent years (if you've one afterwards, even better, but I think an earlier age is useful in that sex is not a factor that may cloud your judgement). If you've ever had a male friend who you really liked, wanted to be around constantly, ever made an utterance to anybody about a certain boy along the lines of "there's just something about him that makes you want to like him", ever any boys who you felt were particularly charismatic and who you really desired to be friends with, or ever tackled somebody in particular far more regularly than anybody else (in sports), these could be some subtle indications that you were attracted to them, and this attraction may help you to accept that it isn't 'just a phase' or a kink. Also, as you've noted, you have fantasized about men for quite a few years now, and enjoy homosexual pornography (which in itself is not necessarily enough to conclude that somebody's sexual orientation, but can be a factor).
The element of denial that's stemming from your surroundings is unfortunately something that cannot really be overcome without a direct confrontation, and even then it may not necessarily go particularly well. At best, you could try and test the water somehow, possibly by commenting upon bisexual characters in shows/movies/games to friends/family members and seeing their response (not in a blatantly transparent way obviously), mention that somebody famous came out (if they have done so recently obviously, don't just make it up), or comment on the gradual legalisation of same-sex marriage and see if they comment. If people react negatively, you can begin to slowly try and dissuade them from their homophobic views by gently dismissing incorrect notions that some people may have (such as religious views being used as an excuse, comments about children being swayed by it, it being immoral, it being unnatural, gay people being paedophiles/mentall ill, etc.) in a way that's so general it doesn't draw attention to you in particular. Your father's and grandmother's staunch homophobia are going to be very difficult to deal with, even if their reasons are almost certainly irrational, but if you do come out, perhaps your mother and aunt accepting you will begin to sway them, and from there you can begin to deal with the source of their beliefs. Commenting about the widespread persecution of LGBT teens (given your age-bracket) by commenting on issues such as the increased risk of suicide, increased rate of homelessness, and the increased risk of substance abuse are also some good topics that can allow people to see just how harmful certain toxic attitudes are. It must of course be noted that the possibility does indeed exist that you will be rejected by them/some friends (it's not a nice thought, and perhaps not a likely one, but it would be silly to ignore it and pretend it isn't there as it is the worst case scenario), but even if this is the case, it will allow you to determine who truly cares about you. Something else that must be considered is that you do not necessarily need to come out to accept that you are bisexual (assuming you are). It is better to come out in a way that is safe, and you are comfortable with, than in an impulsive manner which results in sizeable negative reprecussions.
Regarding your roommate, well, I too am going to college, and I won't be mentioning that I'm gay to my roommates the day that I meet them (or afterwards). I know it is a slightly different scenario in that you already know your friend, whereas I don't yet know the group who I'll be staying with, but ultimately it really isn't his concern, nor will it affect him. If you ever have guys over he'll catch on pretty quick, I would think, and at that stage if you feel the need to confront the subject feel free to do so, but until then it really isn't his business unless you want it to be. Now, I can certainly see why you may want to tell him, to avoid any tension if he has homophobic views by searching for a new roommate, but you also need to be conscious that if you tell him, you need to be certain you're ready/willing to come out as while you seem to trust him (given that you're willing to be his roommate for the year), people talk, and it's possible that he may end up mentioning it to others.
To go with a "Too Long, Didn't Read" summary:
-Do you think I'm bisexual?
Yes I do. You've been attracted to men, fantasize about some men, watch gay porn occasionally, and have done all of these things (more so the first two) for quite a long time. You also are attracted to women.
-Should I tell my roommate ahead of time about my questioning sexuality?
If you want, but I don't think it's necessary. The only benefit is determining if it would be a source of conflict in the future. The downside is that he may tell others if you aren't ready to come out.
-Does he have a right to know?
He doesn't have a right to know, no. If you want to mention it, feel free to do so. If you aren't comfortable saying it, then don't.
-Or should I keep it to myself?
If you want. He'll get the idea if you bring men home anyway.
-Should I come out to my family?
Tricky, personally I would say no, given that you yourself are not really sure yet/are still in denial combined with possible negative reprecussions (particularly when you're going to college, you don't want funds suddenly cut from you). Reassess this at a later point when you're confident in your sexual orientation, and if you're more independant that's also a benefit. Don't feel like you're under pressure to come out, do so whenever you feel comfortable, and happy, with doing so. If you want to, however, I wish you well.
I don't know if they'd like to be named or not either (though they probably don't care, I'd guess), but I'm glad you decided to stay.
Mystic Theurge
Member
I don't think so. If the role involves physical intimacy, it's understandable if the actor is uncomfortable.
In fact, I think that uncomfortably will almost always be present. If I were in charge of casting, I would prefer to pick gay actors for gay roles.
Well that's understandable but it shouldn't have to always be that way, because then you'd have to do the same thing and pick straight actors for straight roles.
Matt Bomer and Neil Patrick Harris both portrayed straight characters on their respective TV show (White Collar and How I Met Your Mother), and I didn't see the big deal or the "difference", to be honest.
At the same time, Brokeback Mountain was a good movie, and neither of the lead actors were gay.
Dead Prince
Banned
or just pick a competent actor that can portray any role regardless of orientation.
No
Can you imagine being straight, doing the kissing scene and feeling the other guys boner touch you. Plus most gay characters in films/tv shows are quite crappy so I wouldn't be surprised if actors would rather not play those roles
I don't know, I feel like in those last few years, more and more gay characters have been quite good and less stereotypical than ever.
Case in point, Max, in the ABC sitcom Happy Endings :
He's gay but not camp or flamboyant (not that there's anything wrong with that)
Furthermore, he's played by a straight actor, Adam Pally.
Henchmen21
Banned
No it wasn't.
You also forgot David Hyde Pierce played Niles on Frasier for 11 years and that character was straight (I've been watching a lot of Frasier recently). Along with Bulldog. Forgot his actors name though.
Opinions, I guess. Whether you liked the movie or not, it wasn't Jake Gyllenhaal or Heath Ledger's fault.
Also, I'm sure I must have forgotten a lot of names because my list wasn't trying to be exhaustive (actually, it wasn't even a list to begin with, just a few names).
Blackstarhat
Member
no it does not make them a homophobe
Probably yes.
Henchmen21
Banned
I know. Was just adding to it.
And Brokeback was bad. Fact.
Let's agree to disagree
And Brokeback was bad. Fact.
OK.
I may continue making threads similar to the ones I already made. But maybe with a better worded OP and title just so that people can't misinterpret my post like with the white men thread.
Glad that you came back.
Yeah, lots of actors of a same sex kissed each other on set who are probably very confidently heterosexual individuals (Examples: Dane DeHaan, Daniel Radcliffe, Pedro Pascal) and homosexual actors who played heterosexual characters (Examples: Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen Page, Ian McKellan). There is something up if you can't play the role of a homo- or bisexual character and vice versa plus you are failing at your job.
Henchman is really 80's Dan in disguise.
Your avatar makes that hilarious.
Good to see you're staying.
GayGAF has bled too many members.
Your avatar makes that hilarious.
Good to see you're staying.
GayGAF has bled too many members.
That's what they all say.
Eh when you put it that way it does sound homophobic. If someone gets accidentally aroused when filming an intimate scene it's probably pretty awkward regardless of sexuality or gender of his co-actor. But for an actor to be afraid of a little physical contact because of potential boners would definitely make him a homophobe.
Since we were talking about Brokeback Mountain, that's exactly the reason why Mark Wahlberg refused that movie.
Via Purifico
Banned
Nothing surprising here tbh.
I dunno man I believe you should be able to turn down a gay role if theirs a chance somebodies boner is going to rub your inner thigh without being called a homophobe.
Would a straight guy who is for gay rights and stuff really be labelled a homophobe because he didn't want to play a gay role?
I think the question is too much of an oversimplification to be worth answering.
There are any of number of reasons for an actor to turn down a gay role. Maybe they didn't like the script, maybe they had better offers on the table for other roles in other movies, maybe they don't think it'll contribute substantially to their filmography, maybe they didn't have faith in the director, maybe they butted heads with one of the other actors/actresses involved and wish to avoid them, maybe they're busy dealing with personal issues.
Or maybe they just don't like the gays.
So, really, the only reasonable answer to that question is "Yes, it's homophobic, provided their reasons for turning it down are rooted in homophobia," which is no answer at all.
There are any of number of reasons for an actor to turn down a gay role. Maybe they didn't like the script, maybe they had better offers on the table for other roles in other movies, maybe they don't think it'll contribute substantially to their filmography, maybe they didn't have faith in the director, maybe they butted heads with one of the other actors/actresses involved and wish to avoid them, maybe they're busy dealing with personal issues.
Or maybe they just don't like the gays.
So, really, the only reasonable answer to that question is "Yes, it's homophobic, provided their reasons for turning it down are rooted in homophobia," which is no answer at all.
Just needed to share this wih someone since i'm trying to avoid the subject with my friends IRL since i'm still not in touch with the reality of things and talking with them about is probably gonna make me panic
Turns out that my mom after a breast echography test has been called at the clinic again for a second check since they spotted a black spot on some of the scans
I'm trying to stay as positive as i can when i'm with her saying that it's probably nothing and it's only a routine check and she shouldn't expect the worst
But yeah, i've never been so scared in my entire life, results should be available in about two weeks more or less...
Turns out that my mom after a breast echography test has been called at the clinic again for a second check since they spotted a black spot on some of the scans
I'm trying to stay as positive as i can when i'm with her saying that it's probably nothing and it's only a routine check and she shouldn't expect the worst
But yeah, i've never been so scared in my entire life, results should be available in about two weeks more or less...
Stay strong T.O.P, you'll go through this.
Reposting from the stupid questions thread: guys how the hell do you do this symbol: ♡ without copy/pasting? My bf keeps taunting me because he can't do it (from his cellphone and all) and I can't! I've tried ascii and there is no alt+number combination for it, I'm so mad hahaha.
Reposting from the stupid questions thread: guys how the hell do you do this symbol: ♡ without copy/pasting? My bf keeps taunting me because he can't do it (from his cellphone and all) and I can't! I've tried ascii and there is no alt+number combination for it, I'm so mad hahaha.
It's good that they've been able to spot it and not let it grow any further (if it's something serious). There's not much you can do until the results except just be there for her. Sending all my support to you.
Henchmen21
Banned
Who?
Thanks for the feedback and advice. Good stuff.
I'm unsure. Whenever the topic of homosexuality would crop up in conversation he wouldn't say anything. He doesn't frequently say gay slurs, nor have I actually heard him say anything derogatory toward gay people.
He's a good friend. We've known each other since sophomore year, had the other's back, and we're self-proclaimed best friends. I want to be honest with him, being my friend and all, but I still feel wary.
Regardless, thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.
Thanks for the advice, peeps. You gave some great advice, The One Who Knocks, and I greatly appreciate it. I'm thinking I won't tell anyone, not for awhile. Although there is a LGBT group on campus, and I'm interested in potentially joining. Maybe I'll stay vague and just say I'm an ally, but maybe I could trust them. Maybe not. Christ, never thought I'd find myself in this position.
And I need it now.
I think I have a problem.. I'm kind of.. jelaous, of my bfs. I've never liked them to do things that I don't. That has been kind of great sometimes because when my ex went to the club and danced, and I didn't, I was like HELL NO and learned to dance, or when one of them was super good with literature I was like "not on my watch" and became and avid reader, it's some kind of flawed competition mentality I have, I need to get off it, I know. I love them all still.
Now, I'm on the hunt for that goddamned heart.
Android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.mobisters.textart.free&hl=en
iOS: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/symbol-keyboard-adds-symbols/id503504563?mt=8
Just two examples, there's probably more out there if you look.
Of course I love you <3
Fix't.
Let it Go performed by Japanese governors. Lol at the stairs part.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzHUChv69I8
Just wanted to share this with you people in here since it's a really, really sweet LP video of Tomodachi Life (with Zoey from Yogscast and her girlfriend).
Love on, gurls!
Just wanted to share this with you people in here since it's a really, really sweet LP video of Tomodachi Life (with Zoey from Yogscast and her girlfriend).
Love on, gurls!
Apparently my dad thinks it's a good idea not to look at houses until after we get into the area.
As opposed to, y'know, pre-screening the area, finding a dozen or so choice locations that we'd know about immediately and arrange for open-house visits that could be made within 2-5 days after we get there.
Movie review web series about a guy who time travels to the present the exact moment the 80's ends and reviews 80's movies alongside his contemporary friends
Just make sure to relax and you'll probably do fine. Best of luck.
As opposed to, y'know, pre-screening the area, finding a dozen or so choice locations that we'd know about immediately and arrange for open-house visits that could be made within 2-5 days after we get there.
Movie review web series about a guy who time travels to the present the exact moment the 80's ends and reviews 80's movies alongside his contemporary friends
Just make sure to relax and you'll probably do fine. Best of luck.
CornBurrito
Member
I've always found it weird how gamers want games to be taken seriously as a medium, but want dislike it when you discuss any of the implicit political/social commentary that underlies a game. Well, really they only care when that is used as a basis for criticizing the game. Everyone seemed to be fine with talking about Bioshock and praising it for having the courage to tackle "deep" issues like "racism is bad" and "political extremism is bad."
- Status