Hey guys just a quick update. I know it's been quite some time.
Not sure where to start though, but I'll try my best. I guess the bottom line is things didn't really work out between myself and the cute guy from class. At least romantically. Was kinda cut up about it, which is why I didn't bother updating after it happened about 3 weeks back. I'm only just now getting back to my normal self, before all of this relationship stuff happened.
Basically a lot has happened in the 6 or 7 weeks I haven't posted. Too much to go into any significant detail about. But I will give a basic rundown of what happened.
I became more bold with my intentions, convinced that there must be a reason he wasn't rejecting my advances. I allowed myself to fall for him, and I was completely blind to the fact that I was really the only one initiating anything. As I continued attempting to get to know him better, I ended up growing increasingly distraught and frustrated with a lack of response from him. It became emotionally exhausting, with the constant "he doesn't like me" "wait yes he might" buzzing around my head.
I told myself that surely if there wasn't any interest on his end he would be upfront about rejecting me. But instead of that happening, I continued to be stuck in a state of uncertainty.
So one day when I grew tired of the game, I decided I would be straightforward about my sexuality. Sounds odd, but it was something that had always been avoided with him and I. He never directly spoke of his sexuality, and I never had the opportunity to speak about mine. I just assumed that he would know, that I was obvious.
We had been talking about an LGBTQ issue from class, and I used it as an opportunity to come out to him. Told him I was into guys, but that I also straddled the fence. His response?
"Oh. I didn't know that"
Surprised at his response, I let it be and we rushed to class. After class ended I was saying goodbye and he had the kind of look on his face that he was seriouly thinking about something. I figured he was piecing things together.
I guess he thought I was just a friendly straight guy. But now that he knew what my sexuality was, he would be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. And I was right, he did.
I messaged him about the gym the next day and he told me that he would work out with me, but that I must know that regardless of his willingness to lift, hangout socially, or share notes from class, his actions were not to be mistaken for anything romantically motivated.
My initial reaction was surprise, but then a wave of relief washed over me. All I could think about was that I was finally free from the emotional weight that had been hanging around my neck. Yeah it was dissappointing, but I finally had some god damn closure. I would be able to move on.
The next day he apologized to me in person, saying that he was sorry if he sounded abrasive. But he knew after my revelation because he had the same experience with another gay friend of his. I told him not to worry about it and we headed to the gym and everything was fine, and our interactions were the same as they had always been. Jokes and all.
So yeah he likes guys too (gay, bi, I don't know), he's just not interested in me romantically and we're just good friends.
The reason I say I've been cut up about it for a few weeks though, is that after the initial relief I experienced the first few days, I started getting really emotional about it.
I had become so used to putting all of my emotional energy into him for the past two months, there was now a void and a feeling that something wasn't quite right. I think I really just missed the idea of being close to him. I realize these feelings are entirely selfish on my part, I only long for him because I'm still attached to him. But what I felt for him was like a drug. Every time we got together or I got a "signal" it was like I was getting my fix. Now that there was no longer an opportunity for that, I went through a withdrawal period. Still kind of am. Sometimes we get together and he does or says something and I'm reminded why I fell for him in the first place.
I really, really liked this guy. Truly grew deeply attached to him, and I don't think I will ever not think of him affectionately in some way. That's just the kind of person I am. It's how my closest friend came to be.
All of that said, I'm very happy and thankful that he and I have remained good friends.
I'm off to bed, but I'll make sure to respond to any replies in the morning.
