WWE, "WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII", 2012.04.01 ~ part 1 of ?
Sun Life Stadium, Miami, FL
78,363 Fans
We start with Lillian Garcia singing America the Beautiful. Why isn't this your nation anthem, guys? It's better than the Star Spangled Banner. Some jets do a fly-by. 'Merica, fuck yeah. Promo package for ONCE IN A LIFETIME!! JUST ONCE GUYS! NEVER, EEEEEEVERRRR, AGAIN! Also, Taker vs H's. Again.
"Ooooooooooh, sometimes, I get a good feeling..."
1. World Heavyweight Championship:
Daniel Bryan (c), w/ AJ Lee vs Sheamus
"It's a shameful thing, lobster head, a careless man could wind up dead. You wear your sin like it's some kind of prize, too many limes, too many limes!"
"Da-da-da, Daniel, Da-da-da, Daniel, Bryyyyaaaann"
The crowd rouses itself to provide a warm reception for the pale Irish barbarian warrior Sheamus and his shock of red hair as he makes his way down to the ring. He is soon followed by his opponent upon this fateful eve, the World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, who is accompanied to the ring by his alluring lady friend, the bewitchingly beautiful AJ Lee. Daniel jumps up and down, full of vim and vigour as he leaps along the aisle, screaming "YES! YES! YES!" ad infinitum and pointing his fingers aloft towards the wondrously lit Florida sky, the azure ether only interrupted here and there by a few scant clouds, tinged soft shades of pink and yellow in the failing afternoon light. AJ perches herself daintily on the middle rope as Bryan enters the ring. He climbs aloft a turnbuckle and conducts the crowd in another chant of "YES! YES! YES!", before returning to the canvas and discarding his robe. He hands the prestigious World Heavyweight Championship to the referee for this match, Lil' Naitch, and the bell rings to signify the start of the contest. Daniel takes a moment to turn lovingly to AJ at ringside and call her up to the apron for a good luck kiss, met by a chorus of boos from the undoubtedly jealous and sexually frustrated Floridians in attendance. He turns from his beloved back to the match at hand, only to be blind-sided by a crushing Brogue Kick from the barbarous Sheamus! The Celtic Warrior slides onto Bryan's prone form and makes the pin-fall attempt, hooking the far leg as he does so. The referee brings his hand to the mat once, twice, thrice! Sheamus has won the World Heavyweight Championship in a record-beating eighteen seconds! He celebrates over a stunned and confused Bryan, mocking the fallen champion's signature mannerisms, while Jerry 'The King' Lawler quips that Daniel Bryan's probably thinking "NO! NO! NO!" at this present juncture. Quite likely, Mr. Lawler, quite likely.
Backstage, we are treated to a group promo from Mr. John Laurinaitis (Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and General Manager of Monday Night RAW) and his People Power Army. The Miz tries to rally everyone together and fails.
Big Johnny proclaims that their match tonight will go down in the annals of WrestleMania history, alongside Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant or Stone Cold refusing to tap to the Sharpshooter.
2.
Randy Orton vs Kane
"I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me..."
"BAH GAWD, THAT'S GOTTA BE...IT'S GOTTA BE KANE!!"
Twilight falls as Randal K. Orton and the monstrous Kane make their way to ring, met by a sea of indifference from the assembled audience. The story here is one of retribution for Kane, as he's all mad because Randy beat him in a street fight last year and then Kane uncharacteristically shook Randy's hand. The crowd chant "DANIEL BRYAN!" as they get started. Randy takes the upper-hand early, but when he goes for his elevated DDT, Kane drapes him over the top rope and hits a big boot to the side of the head. Two count for Kane. The big man locks in a sleeper, but Randy fights back to his feet and they start slugging it out. Randy hits the ropes, but eats a big right hand to the chin from Kane. Side slam from Kane for another two. Kane telegraphs a back bodydrop and Randy catches him in a swinging neckbreaker. Randy tries to slam Kane's head into the ringpost, but the big man reverses it. Nice vertical suplex from Kane for a two count! Kane goes for the side suplex again, but Randy shows surprising agility and flips out of it, hitting his reverse neckbreaker. Randy tries for a clothesline, but it doesn't phase the monster. Kane hits the ropes but gets caught in that beautiful power slam from Orton. Randy throws Kane shoulder-first into the ringpost and hits his elevated DDT off the second rope! He waits for Kane to get to his feet and tries for the RKO, but Kane counters and floors Orton with a big boot. The Big Red Machine goes up top, but Randy catches him with a dropkick to the gut. Randy lines up for the punt to the skull, but Kane pops up and hits a huge chokeslam for a two count! Kane goes up top again, but Orton cuts him off. Orton poses for the crowd, but gets caught in a massive chokeslam from the top-rope! That's it, he's done for! One, two, three, Kane wins! Other than a couple of awkward spots, this was a good back and forth match, even if the crowd were somewhat subdued, still feeling after effects from the opener.
Backstage we get a straight-up, barely disguised advert for 'Deadliest Catch' with Mick Foley and Santino demonstrating their Cobra & Socko method of breaking open crab shells. Thankfully, Ron Simmons arrives;
3. Intercontinental Championship:
Cody Rhodes (c) vs The Big Show
"WOAAAAHH, you're only smoke and mirrors..."
"Wwwwwwwweeeeeeeeellllllllll, it's a Big Show!"
The Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes makes his way to ringside, looking particularly dashing tonight in his new ring robe. We get a video package explaining that Cody's out to embarrass Big Show, as the giant's never fared well at WrestleMania in previous years (
"WrestleMania baby! WOOOOO!"), whereas Big Show is looking to finally get his WrestleMania moment. An appreciative, but muted reception for the giant as he makes his entrance. The ref gets the match started and Cody immediately bails to ringside. Big Show chases him in and out of the ring, but eats a dropkick. Cody goes for a plancha, but Show catches him and press slams him back into the ring. Big knee from Show, sending Cody into the corner. He grabs Cody by the skull and just tosses him out of the corner. BIG chop, followed by a clubbering blow to floor Cody. "DANIEL BRYAN" chants from the crowd again. Big Show hits a stinkface on poor Cody. Irish whip into the corner. Show goes for a splash, but Cody moves out of the way. Big dropkick to the knee drops the giant. Cody goes to work, frantically trying to put away the giant. He goes for a pin but gets thrown off at the one count. Cody aggressively goes after Show's leg, managing to keep the giant grounded. Big Show eventually manages to kick Cody off and goes for that splash in the corner again, but meets a kick to the jaw. Cody goes up top and Show grabs him about the throat, but Cody smartly hops off the top rope to the apron, causing Show's arm to be draped over the rope. Disaster kick from Cody and the giant's staggered! He goes for another, but Show catches him with a spear and sets up for the WMD! He connects, punching Cody square in the jaw and makes the cover, one, two, three! Big Show is the new Intercontinental Champion and has won his WrestleMania moment! Enjoyable enough, for a Big Show match. Could've done with a few more minutes of Cody working over the leg.
4.
Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
"Sheeeeee, looks good to me. She got everything I want, everything I need..."
"Holla, Holla..."
I still don't know what this Maria chicks famous for and am too lazy to look it up. We start off with Kelly² vs Eve. Lots of "HOSKI!" chants for Torres. Oh, Cena, you witty motherfucker. Y'see, because 'Hoski' is like 'Broski'. They lock up and Eve puts Kelly² into the ropes. Irish whip, but Kelly² slides between Eve's legs and trips her up. Hurricanrana from Kelly² for a two count. Kelly² goes for the handspring back elbow, but Eve kicks her in the ass to stop it. She goes up top, but Kelly² trips her off the ropes. Kelly² tags in Maria and they give a double stinkface to Eve. King says something pervy. "DANIEL BRYAN!" chants again. Eve gains control easily and works over Maria's injured ribs. Eve tags in Beth who locks on a ridiculous looking side-bearhug thing. Cheap-shot to Kelly from Beth, who then puts the boots to Maria. Eve tags in and twerks her ass over Maria, but Maria kicks her out of the ring and makes the lukewarm tag to Kelly². Tiltawhirl headscissors from Kelly² and she follows up with a neckbreaker. She goes up top and hits a somersault splash on Beth! Eve makes the save and slams Kelly² into the turnbuckle. Beth goes for the Glam Slam, but Kelly² wheelbarrow's out and into a bulldog! Kelly² makes the tag. Maria goes up top very slowly and is cut-off by Phoenix, who holds her in a military press. Kelly² makes the save and they shove Beth into the ropes, where she collides with Eve. Maria rolls up Beth and the ref makes the count, one, two, three! Nothing offensive here, nothing that great either. Kelly was in pretty good form, though.
Right, that's your lot, for now. There's NO FUCKING WAY I'm reviewing the next match without unhealthy levels of alcohol in my system.