I want to die. I'm not going to do it because I don't even know how, I have no reliable method and I don't want to end up even worse off than I am now. But life has nothing to offer me. I can't get a job, I can't get out of my parents' house. I've been trying to overcome my anxiety for years but if anything it's gotten worse. The tiniest thing makes me distraught. I'm much more anxious driving than I used to be, which is a problem since I have to drive several hours a week to see my therapist, along with jobseeking stuff and periodically seeing my psychiatrist, who is also about an hour and a half away.
I can barely make phone calls, and I only do it when I absolutely have to. If I ever do manage to get a job I'll be a nervous wreck 24/7, more so than I already am. In fact, I did get a job a month or two ago, but I had a panic attack during the orientation session and left. I had a chance to change things and I fucked it up spectacularly. I do volunteer work for just a couple of hours a week (at my parents' behest, not mine) and I'm petrified the entire time. I've been to about seven different therapists over the last five or six years and nothing has changed. I've been on maybe ten medications over the last three years and none of them have worked.
I've also become extremely anhedonic over the last few months. It had never really happened to me before but now I really just don't get joy out of anything. I used to love watching movies, playing games, listening to music, reading books. Now I have no desire to do any of those things. If I manage to force myself to do something all it does is help pass the time until I can go to sleep, but usually I get bored and just do nothing instead. I used to stay up late because I was having fun playing video games or whatever, now I go to sleep as soon as I feel tired enough. I also can't sleep in anymore for some reason, which annoys me because I want to be awake as little as possible but now I'll wake up around 8 or 9 at the latest and won't be able to go back to sleep, so I'll have to get up and face the agonizing monotony of yet another day. I want out.
Hey man. I wish I had some words for you that could ease your pain. I'm right there with you in terms of the anxiety. I've had it bad for what must be going on 15 years now, ever since I was maybe 11 years old. I've only started to get over it myself, so I can relate as to how difficult a job it truly is. And let me tell you right now, you're already further along than I am, so great job on that front.
I can also relate to your feelings of wanting to give up. It's such an... easy conclusion to come to once your situation seems dire enough. The thing is though, it never is, it only seems that way. It's your brain playing tricks on you, that's all there is to it.
There are two important concepts to keep in mind, that helped me sort of frame this issue we both share. You might have heard of them before given that you've been in therapy, but I'll list them regardless.
The first is the mutual exchange between your thoughts and your feelings. You might think that your emotions are what fuel your thoughts, in that your start thinking negatively when you feel sad. Now, there is definitely a propensity towards negative thinking when you're sad, but the reality of the matter is that the converse is absolutely true as well, and especially true for the both of us. I'm willing to bet my last cent on the fact that you have a constant stream of negative thoughts going through your head. Those thoughts are a huge part of what's making you anxious, depressed, and feel bad about yourself. Now, I'm not a therapist, but what you should definitely work on is trying to reframe those negative thoughts in a more positive manner. That doesn't mean that every thought coursing through our heads has to be positive, but you definitely need to make them more grounded. Along with that, try and compliment yourself. If you find that difficult, try and imagine that you have an imaginary friend that is in the same and exact same situation as you. Try and imagine him/her coming to you with those thoughts and feelings about him/herself. You'll be much kinder to him than you will be to yourself.
What's also important is that you deal with your thoughts and emotions, which means taking the time to voice and process them, and not spend your entire day pretty much... well, running away from your issues. What I found is that more often than not, I had these memories from way way back that were still bothering me, that weren't really processed yet, and that I couldn't really voice. They were like flashes of images in my mind, and they were still affecting me. It was painful, and those memories specifically felt very raw, but working on trying to voice them really helped with coming to terms with a lot that happened in the past.
Now, the unfortunate truth is that this stuff is not easy to fix. Conversely though, fortunately you don't need fix the issue entirely to become functional enough to do the things you want to do. Regardless though, that brings me to my second point. I know you've been going at it for a long time. You keep trying, and it's frustrating to see that you're not making the progress that you're assuming you should be making. The thing you have to realize is that we've been going through this same routine for a VERY long time. The thing I've had described to me is that you have to imagine your life like a river. At some point in our lives, ours took a wrong bend, and it's been carving its path for a very long time now. You can't redirect a stream just like that. It takes time, and constant pressure. But it's doable.
I'm sorry about the length (it has turned into somewhat of a vent session for myself as well I believe), so I'll just say this: You need to keep going. Keep trying, and eventually you'll get results. Don't become reclusive, and don't be afraid to make a fool out of yourself. The object of the game is to do what you're afraid of. Because that's what anxiety is. They're beliefs based on preconceived notions, and not real experiences. And if they are based on real experience, they're mostly wrongfully generalized. Now, I'm not going to tell you what to do, seeing as that's probably a terrible idea. But in my mind, the best way out of our situation is when you feel anxious about something, try to formulate exactly what that something is, and then just go fucking do that thing. Try and ask a licensed professional before you go full hog though, because I'm not aware of the actual situation you're in.
You're a stronger person than you currently believe you are, I'm absolutely sure of that. You also sound like an intelligent person from the way you write. Keep looking for help, and if you need someone to talk to you, I'm sure you're aware of the usual avenues, and know that we'll be here as well. Most importantly though, don't do anything rash. I know it's difficult to believe this very minute, but life DOES in fact have A TON to offer to you. It's just that god damned brain of ours that's making us believe that it doesn't, and that's keeping us back. Fortunately though, it's a surmountable battle. I wish you all the best!
