This is probably going to seem really random and silly, but for everyone that's got bad anxiety and kinda just want something to help you relax--I find Bob Ross' Youtube channel helps me settle down a lot if my anxiety starts creeping up on me. (Especially if I'm by myself at home)
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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
- Thread starter Bagels
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Ahh loneliness. Been on a work trip for almost 3 weeks now. I'm working overtime most of the days, but taking a day off here and there to explore and visit areas. I talked to locals as much as I can, but still feel so alone. I know back home won't be much better, since I'm down to few friends and still missing my ex. But still, at least my dog will be there to welcome me with love
opticalmace
Member
Ugh, it's hard to not hate everyone.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Austin is an amazing human being. Actually got me back into gaming discussion and theoretics with the Life is Strange series.
I really wish I had published by paper in Bioshock and spectacle in gaming. I was just too damn depressed to bring it with the prof.
Do they already visit with mental health professionals? If not I'd advise you try to get them to seek out a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Other than that just be there for them as long as they aren't causing you any undue stress or anything like that.
They aren't currently but they have done in the past. I've been trying to get them to see a professional again but they believe it won't help, I'll keep pushing it though. I've had good headway with convincing them to spend more time with their other friends and they seem to be super keen on getting some pet rats to keep them company in their flat. I think a couple of recent events in their life hit home the other night.
I'll be honest, the other night talking them down was super distressing I panicked because I didn't know what to do I guess I'm lucky that they picked up their phone because I couldn't remember their address or anything to send help ( I've got it jotted down now thank god for google location history! ). and then later when i managed to get them to come to mine (they have a car I dont) I kinda just broke down for a bit
which has the two edge effect of them knowing that someone does care about them but they did something to upset me :/However like I've said they have been in a better state since.
Puck Beaverton
Banned
I only created this thread to vent and I have to do it again because now my step-dad doesn't want to see Magnificent Seven after asking if he wants to see it (and only because my mom believes I should be around him more) and he states "no because casting Denzel is political correctness striking again."
I'm about to fucking lose it. This InfoWars motherfucker is going to drive me fucking insane. I hate this fucking guy. Now he's stating "he isn't a good cowboy actor". I'm about to fucking pop.
I'm about to fucking lose it. This InfoWars motherfucker is going to drive me fucking insane. I hate this fucking guy. Now he's stating "he isn't a good cowboy actor". I'm about to fucking pop.
Life update for those who see me post from time to time.
I saw a doctor earlier this week at the behest of a close friend. Truth be told, the idea of hurting people has always been something lurking in my mind, and my friend said I should talk to a doctor about this (good idea, maybe I'll get arrested again). Long story short, I did see the doctor and let them know how I felt, although I fudged it a bit when I could tell they were starting to ask questions where the police would need to be involved.
I told them I wasn't interested in any recommendations because I'm not interested in helping myself and don't expect anyone else to help me if I can't even give them that. I got some forms signed that I needed for government assistance, and the doctor gave me some anti-psychotic medication that will hopefully help with my depression too. I'll be back to see them early next week to talk some more.
I saw a doctor earlier this week at the behest of a close friend. Truth be told, the idea of hurting people has always been something lurking in my mind, and my friend said I should talk to a doctor about this (good idea, maybe I'll get arrested again). Long story short, I did see the doctor and let them know how I felt, although I fudged it a bit when I could tell they were starting to ask questions where the police would need to be involved.
I told them I wasn't interested in any recommendations because I'm not interested in helping myself and don't expect anyone else to help me if I can't even give them that. I got some forms signed that I needed for government assistance, and the doctor gave me some anti-psychotic medication that will hopefully help with my depression too. I'll be back to see them early next week to talk some more.
Finally got the forms from one psychiatrist in the mail and going to send them in tomorrow I really hope they accept me otherwise I don't know what I'll do. I know they said they'd review it and decide. Should I write a letter with it to not exactly "beg" but just show him how serious I am about needing help?
Got to just hang in there. I know it's easy to say you can't let people get to you and all that but you just got to try and think that way. Some people just can't be helped.
Got to just hang in there. I know it's easy to say you can't let people get to you and all that but you just got to try and think that way. Some people just can't be helped.
I posted a few months ago in the first OT about this. Just another vent session for you to skip over.
The post I linked goes into more details, but basically my best friend and room mate is having pretty major manic episode, the 4th occurrence that I know of, the other 3 times she was treated and released from a mental hospital after a month or less of being in there. This one became apparent late June and to my knowledge it's still on going. Things continued to escalate after I made that post, then a few days later, we got into an argument, and she ended up pulling a large butcher knife and threatened to kill me.
After weeks of being told my friend wasn't violent enough to be committed against her will, I thought this would finally do it. I called 911 hoping she would end up being taken in for a psych eval, but they took her to jail instead and charged her with a felony. I feel horrible about her going to jail and being charged with a felony, she's not a criminal. However, I could not just allow that to happen to me, even before that, I feared that I would wake up one night to her stabbing me, so I hid the knives in my room and locked my door at night (she broke into my room and found the knives while I was at work, which prompted the argument and lead to her threatening to kill me).
She's been in jail for almost 3 months now (no one will bail her out because they won't take her in) and slowly moving through the system, in her pre-trial hearing she was still manic as fuck. She tried to fire her public defender, wants to represent herself, tried playing gotcha with details of her case, and yelled at the judge. The PD questioned her mental capacity to stand trail, so she is finally getting the help she needs, albeit forced. The prosecutor is a really nice guy and has no intentions of putting her in prison, but she could end up screwing her self still.
Due to the nature of her "crime", there is a mandatory no contact order, so I can't call to see how she's doing. Relying on her shitty family who's barely lifted a thumb to help her to drive an hour to see her, but they haven't bothered yet. Speaking of her family, they seem to think she's just going to move back in with me when she's released, even though the lease ended last month and I resigned it with just my name on it.
I think it's a bit unfair of them to think she can live here rent free while she has no job and no car (repo'd while in jail), oh and she threatened to kill me not too long ago. Also this is the 4th time something like this has happened while we've lived together, and only 1 time it didn't completely fuck my living situation due her not working/not able to pay while she's in lala land. I can't take the instability in my life.
I'm hoping after all this she finally takes her bipolar diagnoses seriously, if not, I definitely won't be living with her again and I'm not sure if we'll be friends either.
The post I linked goes into more details, but basically my best friend and room mate is having pretty major manic episode, the 4th occurrence that I know of, the other 3 times she was treated and released from a mental hospital after a month or less of being in there. This one became apparent late June and to my knowledge it's still on going. Things continued to escalate after I made that post, then a few days later, we got into an argument, and she ended up pulling a large butcher knife and threatened to kill me.
After weeks of being told my friend wasn't violent enough to be committed against her will, I thought this would finally do it. I called 911 hoping she would end up being taken in for a psych eval, but they took her to jail instead and charged her with a felony. I feel horrible about her going to jail and being charged with a felony, she's not a criminal. However, I could not just allow that to happen to me, even before that, I feared that I would wake up one night to her stabbing me, so I hid the knives in my room and locked my door at night (she broke into my room and found the knives while I was at work, which prompted the argument and lead to her threatening to kill me).
She's been in jail for almost 3 months now (no one will bail her out because they won't take her in) and slowly moving through the system, in her pre-trial hearing she was still manic as fuck. She tried to fire her public defender, wants to represent herself, tried playing gotcha with details of her case, and yelled at the judge. The PD questioned her mental capacity to stand trail, so she is finally getting the help she needs, albeit forced. The prosecutor is a really nice guy and has no intentions of putting her in prison, but she could end up screwing her self still.
Due to the nature of her "crime", there is a mandatory no contact order, so I can't call to see how she's doing. Relying on her shitty family who's barely lifted a thumb to help her to drive an hour to see her, but they haven't bothered yet. Speaking of her family, they seem to think she's just going to move back in with me when she's released, even though the lease ended last month and I resigned it with just my name on it.
I think it's a bit unfair of them to think she can live here rent free while she has no job and no car (repo'd while in jail), oh and she threatened to kill me not too long ago. Also this is the 4th time something like this has happened while we've lived together, and only 1 time it didn't completely fuck my living situation due her not working/not able to pay while she's in lala land. I can't take the instability in my life.
I'm hoping after all this she finally takes her bipolar diagnoses seriously, if not, I definitely won't be living with her again and I'm not sure if we'll be friends either.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
It's a good thing buying a gun feels like too much work, otherwise I would have killed myself by now.
Reasons for dying:
No more suffering
No more loneliness
No more hopelessness
No more crying myself to sleep, or worse crying myself exhausted and not falling asleep
No more frustration
No more failures
Reasons for living:
I get to see my only friend again
Um. I get to play the NX.
It would break my family's, and my friends heart if I died, but they would get over it.
No more suffering
No more loneliness
No more hopelessness
No more crying myself to sleep, or worse crying myself exhausted and not falling asleep
No more frustration
No more failures
Reasons for living:
I get to see my only friend again
Um. I get to play the NX.
It would break my family's, and my friends heart if I died, but they would get over it.
opticalmace
Member
Have you guys (or girls) tried going to counselling? I started it yesterday and it seems to make a difference.
Thank you. When I wrote the post I was unsure if I would take pills, now I lean more towards not taking them again. I'd prefer to talk with a therapist instead, I think. I am just too afraid of the sort of pills that might be prescribed to me. I still remember when I got pumped full of them when I was at a mental ward. I had about 5 different ones that I had to take.
I haven't been in one for a while now. Last one was a LDR, and as much as it hurt to cut that off, I had to. It was just impossible for me to actually be able to live with him for financial reasons.
I made accounts on a couple of apps but I have trouble keeping at it, and keeping the interest of someone when I write with them. Feels like it's always half-hearted when I write someone back, when their messages seem genuine, kind and very intrigued. Problem is, I know I can be like that too in person. I always was a dreamer, and it is very hard for someone to really get through to me.
Seek help friend.
Time is the only thing between you and better days, and ups and downs are real. They can be daily, weekly, monthly, or fucking yearly. If you look in the mirror and decide you quit on life, it will be the hardest thing you ever do. But after that, quitting is easy, and you'll just quit on everything else.
Your list may be that way today, but with time it will change.
My consistent exercise routine has definitely been helping to combat my mental issues lately, I've generally been in a more positive mood and I even managed to land a job interview after 14 months of doing nothing. And yet tonight, all the feelings of despair and loneliness have come flooding back at once, I don't know how to overcome being too hard on myself and I don't want to be here anymore.
Congrats on the exercising and job interview dude! Small victories.
They won't. That's for sure. That fact holds me back too.
i am in the same boat, my family would get over me dying once they get the life insurance check.
I went hom from the cinma today, alone. Watched a film, was probably one of the few people in there without someone else. To be fair, I probably shouldn't have seen this one (a grim comedy about three young couples becoming parents for the first time). Feels bad, but it was probably still better than sitting again in front of the PC or just in the kitchen, staring holes into the wall. So that's the positive thing about it. And yeah, the film was fantastic. The characters were really well written and I really felt their pain. (self-loathing, self-destructive behaviour, not knowing who you are and what you want to be).
Really looking forward to talking with my new psychiatrist in two weeks (first appointment). I'll probably ramble on for two hours what with all the things I held back over the years now.
Really looking forward to talking with my new psychiatrist in two weeks (first appointment). I'll probably ramble on for two hours what with all the things I held back over the years now.
Bounceounce
Member
I literally haven't bead a valuable memory since the end of 10th grade summer.
That's three years of nothing.
That's three years of nothing.
Do u have a bad relationship with ur family?
I've never really had a psychiatrist that had me open up too much. Usually just asked about my feelings and moods and history of depression and such. Now my therapist has had me rambling on and on for some time. Good luck and I hope things start to get sorted out for you.
Thank you.
Not sure about it now, but I have had a lot of these recently where I just rambled (and massively overshard). So that's why I expect that this will happen there as well. I'm hoping he can point me to a good therapist too. All the therapists I went so far were rubbish in their work with me.
Pamplemousse
Member
In what way were they rubbish?
@pamplemousse Their questions where too broad, it felt like they went through a checklist, just trying to get the appointment over and done with. I require a lot of time and also I have to trust you to really open up. With them I felt I wasted my and their time. I went to three different ones, every time I spent like 5-10 sessions with each of them, none of them were to my liking. One of them had a good streak during one session and I almost warmed up to him but then he disappointed me yet again. It's been too long to remember what it was exactly that put me off.
That was also before my current and standing diagnosis (BPD or emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder) so maybe knowing that psychiatrists and therapists won't bother me with the same questions from back then when my diagnosis had all kinds of mental illnesses listed because they kept on misinterpreting my statements at the hospital.
Kind of ended up being a rant. Not my intention, but it's the best I could come up with atm.
That was also before my current and standing diagnosis (BPD or emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder) so maybe knowing that psychiatrists and therapists won't bother me with the same questions from back then when my diagnosis had all kinds of mental illnesses listed because they kept on misinterpreting my statements at the hospital.
Kind of ended up being a rant. Not my intention, but it's the best I could come up with atm.
Thanks again for taking your time and giving advice. I'll try to make the best of it all, I really want to have a fun time in university like everyone says they had/have.
This week hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, I got my first panic attack in about a year or two. Didn't help it was during studying with everyone from my class in the same room. So I had to get out of there asap before I was going to start crying. I felt so embarrassed.
Pamplemousse
Member
It wasn't a rant. It makes sense that you want to build trust before diving in seriously. Hopefully this one is better.
Why were you hospitalized?
tearsofash
Member
I really have no reason to live. I dissociate from myself so I never really have thoughts of self harm. Like, I'm not really "there" enough to feel suicidal thoughts. I don't have any friends up here, and I don't have access to my stuff. I don't eat and I barely take care of myself. I'm tired of staying at shelters, but at least it keeps me off the streets. I don't have anywhere to go tonight and I'm scared. I might check into the hospital again. I am not myself enough to actually kill myself and I am not threatening to do it. However, I don't feel safe and I'm not sure what could happen. I don't trust myself to stay rational in situations like these.
half a moon
Banned
I don't know what to do.
I just got out of a mental hospital and it didn't help at all. There was no therapy. You're left to figure things out on your own while medicated. You either feel better on your own or you don't and you lie to get out.
Well, I lied to get out.
Figuring things out on your own.... well, what I figured out is a very bleak reality that doesn't give me many options to work with.. Everyone I talk to say it's delusion.
I just got out of a mental hospital and it didn't help at all. There was no therapy. You're left to figure things out on your own while medicated. You either feel better on your own or you don't and you lie to get out.
Well, I lied to get out.
Figuring things out on your own.... well, what I figured out is a very bleak reality that doesn't give me many options to work with.. Everyone I talk to say it's delusion.
Thanks, I hope so too.
Suicidal attempts and suicidal thoughts back then. I also got hospitalized last year and went to the mental hospital for a few days because I had cut myself again and got drunk with a whole bottle of Vodka and pain killers.
I felt like that too when I was in the hospital, and afterwards, when I got released. I just sat in there, bored, It was the closed off section too so I wasn't even able to visit the cafeteria. The wards for adults feel even more bleak than the one I visited when I was 17. Was a lot darker, and was also the furthest away from all of the exits. I did not feel safe, especially with all the deeply psychotic patients around who were having fits and always tried to touch me or tell me some nonsense.
What are your aspirations in life, what do you want to do? Might be not as far-fetched as people might think.
Just started a new job this week. First week went well and was feeling pretty good. I was feeling so good that I drank a ton at a friends party. Not a good choice at all. I'm anxious as hell, can't seem to settle down and the thought of going back into the office tomorrow is making it worse. I'm gonna lay of the drink. I was using it to relieve my anxiety but it's getting me into a hole.
half a moon
Banned
Get mentally and physically healthy, steady job, put down on a house, find a SO or enjoy life with pets, make new friends, pick up hobbies, enjoy entertainment, travel. Live.
I feel like I'll be dead soon tho.
Pamplemousse
Member
I'm so sorry, Kater. I hope you never feel like that again.
I have that feeling a lot too, that I die before I realize any of my dreams, actually become and art student and later on study psychology for one. But that feeling is just there and can't fully hinder you from actually working towards those goals. And the ones you wrote about do seem achievable. My father rented the house they now live in with 45, now they want to actually build one (he's 54 soon). We lived in really small apartments for a long time that were nowhere near big enough to have place for four people and he just kept on working and later on switched to a better job. He had his bad days too. Stayed at home because of burnout syndrome for two months once because the job was so stressful. Found another place, and later on became independent with his own company.
And finding a partner can be hard, I know that myself. Just start out very little, socialize more, go out with someone you know, talk with them, talk with other people. Find more places to go where you like it. Then when you feel more comfortable talking to people work on flirting, just one step at a time. Don't push yourself too hard, and stop yourself from beating yourself up when you fail to capture the interest of someone. It's really hard, and it's easier said than done, but it's definitely possible.
Do you have any hobbies you just lost interest in? There's a lot of things you can do by yourself and with others that don't cost too much. Board games are a classic, and you can either play them with a group or just two players. I personally picked up reading again and I continued to draw a bit more, just to keep me busy in the time I would have usually spent on excessively playing video games.
It often builds up without me being aware of it so it's hard to stop it once I'm feeling like that. Sometimes people are there and go with me through the worst, but most of the time it just runs its course and I had to weather it out. I try to steel myself more though and I communicate my problems a lot more with the people I know helped me in the past. So I act more thoughtfully now than I did before. I'm tired of going in circles and I just want to break free.
Has anyone ever taken Sertraline before? I recently decided to seek medical help after having some very down episodes lately, unusually bleak for me even though I am prone to them. The doctor suggested, based on what I told her, that I have moderate depression and anxiety, and prescribed me 50mg of Sertraline to be taken each day. But it's been a few days since I picked the prescription up and I've still not opened the packet.
It feels like a big step, and I really don't know whether or not it's right for me. On the one hand I feel that I suppose I am depressed and anxious, and that it's just that I've felt this way for so long (pretty much in sporadic bouts since I was 13; I'm 21 now) that it's become normalised for me and I guess I've developed ways to life my life despite it. But on the other hand, I doubt myself here because a lot of the time I feel completely fine, or at least okay, and it's only once in a while for varying lengths of time that I'll sink into very dark thoughts, or feel particularly anxious (sometimes it can last for as short as half a day, other times it can last a whole week). Is that normal for people who suffer depression/anxiety?
When I do feel down it's almost unbearable, especially since it makes me feel like a whole other person completely at odds with the person I consider myself to be, and I guess if antidepressants can help stop that from happening it's a positive step. But looking online, all the people I see who've spoken about it seem to have pretty consistent and severe depression, and that's not really me. The side effects seem worrying, so I suppose it's really a potential risk vs. reward thing.
I'm booked in for a first counselling session in a few days, so I'm thinking that I should perhaps wait to see what comes of that before turning to medication. Could use some advice here.
It feels like a big step, and I really don't know whether or not it's right for me. On the one hand I feel that I suppose I am depressed and anxious, and that it's just that I've felt this way for so long (pretty much in sporadic bouts since I was 13; I'm 21 now) that it's become normalised for me and I guess I've developed ways to life my life despite it. But on the other hand, I doubt myself here because a lot of the time I feel completely fine, or at least okay, and it's only once in a while for varying lengths of time that I'll sink into very dark thoughts, or feel particularly anxious (sometimes it can last for as short as half a day, other times it can last a whole week). Is that normal for people who suffer depression/anxiety?
When I do feel down it's almost unbearable, especially since it makes me feel like a whole other person completely at odds with the person I consider myself to be, and I guess if antidepressants can help stop that from happening it's a positive step. But looking online, all the people I see who've spoken about it seem to have pretty consistent and severe depression, and that's not really me. The side effects seem worrying, so I suppose it's really a potential risk vs. reward thing.
I'm booked in for a first counselling session in a few days, so I'm thinking that I should perhaps wait to see what comes of that before turning to medication. Could use some advice here.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Try the medication. Starting a medication, especially for mental health is a hurdle many people go through. I see people making the likeness to synthetic insulin and it doesn't quite work, depending on your diagnosis. A diabetic will die, while some of us might just revert to toxic behaviors. A bipolar, or psychotic diagnosis would fit better.
I wouldn't go searching for advice online, because there are forums and review sites (plus a hell of a lot of pseudoscience), that will scare you. The people with the strongest reactions will be heard louder than the rest. You will go through some introductory side-effects. I got increased anxiety and restlessness, plus a bit of nausea. If they are minor, just go through with it. However, of you feel the side-effects are particularity bad and debilitating just contact your doctor and discontinue. Cold turkey isn't too bad in the first phase. It's when people discontinue at doses that it causes the "brain shocks" and other symptoms.
Antidepressants aren't wonder drugs. They are not, "happy pills", or will turn you into a "zombie". Everyone has a unique experience to them, and that's one of the reasons they are so controversial.
Yes, all those strong thoughts are associated with depression and anxiety. If it's unbearable, then it isn't moderate depression. You can have episodic symptoms, and then be ok for a while.
I would see that your counselor and psychiatrist communicate and compare notes.
I wouldn't go searching for advice online, because there are forums and review sites (plus a hell of a lot of pseudoscience), that will scare you. The people with the strongest reactions will be heard louder than the rest. You will go through some introductory side-effects. I got increased anxiety and restlessness, plus a bit of nausea. If they are minor, just go through with it. However, of you feel the side-effects are particularity bad and debilitating just contact your doctor and discontinue. Cold turkey isn't too bad in the first phase. It's when people discontinue at doses that it causes the "brain shocks" and other symptoms.
Antidepressants aren't wonder drugs. They are not, "happy pills", or will turn you into a "zombie". Everyone has a unique experience to them, and that's one of the reasons they are so controversial.
Yes, all those strong thoughts are associated with depression and anxiety. If it's unbearable, then it isn't moderate depression. You can have episodic symptoms, and then be ok for a while.
I would see that your counselor and psychiatrist communicate and compare notes.
There is no pill for that from my knowledge but monks learn to achieve such a state since it is very important that you are not distracted while you meditate.
Now, getting there is probably just as much work as actually working on a ways to better yourself with the more clinical methods of therapy and medication so I would never say that meditation is a shortcut. I don't think there is any short way towards happiness, you either do what you need to and get better, by whatever method you choose, or you simply ignore it and let your mental state turn worse and get hospitalized every half year, ending up in a depressing cycle.
Now, getting there is probably just as much work as actually working on a ways to better yourself with the more clinical methods of therapy and medication so I would never say that meditation is a shortcut. I don't think there is any short way towards happiness, you either do what you need to and get better, by whatever method you choose, or you simply ignore it and let your mental state turn worse and get hospitalized every half year, ending up in a depressing cycle.
I need a pill like that. I've seen too many couples, especially gay couples. I wish i had the strength and will do just die so all those feels can go away.
I'm a total loser. I bought some headphones thinking they were wireless and now opening the package i find they are not. i have to take this crap back to the store tomorrow and i really dont want to go anywhere but home after work tomorrow.
I am just pissed at myself. i cannot believe i didnt even see that leaving the store.
Pamplemousse
Member
Hang in there neocutie.
Anyway, I think I must have been Hitler in a previous lifetime because this life is such a torment. I've lived the past few years under that impression, and I've never had a reason to change my mind. I'm being punished for something. Why else would I be subjected to this life of ceaseless misery?
Anyway, I think I must have been Hitler in a previous lifetime because this life is such a torment. I've lived the past few years under that impression, and I've never had a reason to change my mind. I'm being punished for something. Why else would I be subjected to this life of ceaseless misery?
grap3fruitman
Banned
I've felt like this before for a short time, but it was with a particular strain (grapefruit og) of marijuana, which is pretty frowned upon. Happiness comes from within for normal people and they take it for granted but I was able to feel it shortly with the right tools.
You guys hear about how (the dumbed down version) THC is for getting high, CBD is the medicinal variety? Well CBC looks to be like the antidepressant cannabinoid (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2866040/pdf/nihms196582.pdf) and is 10x more effective than CBD for depression. So strains high or rich in CBC are the way to go but no one tests for that so you're left with trial and error... :/
Pamplemousse
Member
I always knew other gay men would never want me romantically. Now I find they don't want to interact with me on any level. I lost the only place where I could talk to other gay guys because they didn't want me there. Lucky me.
All the bad feelings are really coming back now after briefly feeling alright. It's always like this, don't know why I bother fooling myself into thinking things are looking up.
I guess my body has become accustomed to the novelty of my exercise routine now and it feels like little more than a chore at this point. I had that job interview today which seemed to go fine but frankly, I don't even want the fucking thing, secretly hoping they tell me I was unsuccessful tomorrow. Having a job is something people do to survive and enable them to continue enjoying their favourite activities after earning some respite, so what reason do I have to care when I find it difficult to enjoy anything and surviving is among the last of my priorities? I know that's an almost childish outlook to have and I do think a lot of my feelings can possibly be attributed to still being young. If I lived alone and was struggling to stay afloat, I'm sure my tune would change with regards to employment. The only reason I have to want to work at the moment is to alleviate my parents disappointment that I'm useless. Top all of this off with abysmally crushing loneliness that never quite goes away no matter how passable some days might be and I just don't know that I can carry on.
I shouldn't even be using this forum (or any others that I frequent, for that matter). Comparing your life to others will bring you nothing but misery when you already feel like a failure. I realise everybody has their issues and likely embellishes most of their stories but when you see the ease with which some people appear to be going about their lives, it's very hard not to feel inadequate, particularly when an accomplishment by your own criteria is getting out of bed. Then you feel horrible for primarily seeing the negative in people being happy and have to confront being a self-centered, narcissistic cunt.
I was watching people on the bus as I came home today, most of them must have ranged from 50-60 years old, and all I could wonder is "How can anyone bring themselves to live that long?"
At least typing this post has shown me I still have the ability to form tears. I'm just so fucking sad all the time.
I guess my body has become accustomed to the novelty of my exercise routine now and it feels like little more than a chore at this point. I had that job interview today which seemed to go fine but frankly, I don't even want the fucking thing, secretly hoping they tell me I was unsuccessful tomorrow. Having a job is something people do to survive and enable them to continue enjoying their favourite activities after earning some respite, so what reason do I have to care when I find it difficult to enjoy anything and surviving is among the last of my priorities? I know that's an almost childish outlook to have and I do think a lot of my feelings can possibly be attributed to still being young. If I lived alone and was struggling to stay afloat, I'm sure my tune would change with regards to employment. The only reason I have to want to work at the moment is to alleviate my parents disappointment that I'm useless. Top all of this off with abysmally crushing loneliness that never quite goes away no matter how passable some days might be and I just don't know that I can carry on.
I shouldn't even be using this forum (or any others that I frequent, for that matter). Comparing your life to others will bring you nothing but misery when you already feel like a failure. I realise everybody has their issues and likely embellishes most of their stories but when you see the ease with which some people appear to be going about their lives, it's very hard not to feel inadequate, particularly when an accomplishment by your own criteria is getting out of bed. Then you feel horrible for primarily seeing the negative in people being happy and have to confront being a self-centered, narcissistic cunt.
I was watching people on the bus as I came home today, most of them must have ranged from 50-60 years old, and all I could wonder is "How can anyone bring themselves to live that long?"
At least typing this post has shown me I still have the ability to form tears. I'm just so fucking sad all the time.
that's how i feel. The gay world definitely doesn't want guys like me. I'm unattractive, fat, no personality and just horrible. I deleted all the gay dating apps as they just reinforce how ugly i am to everyone. Sucks looking and feeling like a monster every waking day. If being dead is like sleeping then i would be at peace. I have planned 3 ways how i want to die and they all involve sending my best friend a care package with a letter about how i feel, eating a nice expensive steak dinner and listening to the lovesick and make it right soundtracks.
Would be nice if my life was like a Korean TV drama. Bumping into a guy who would be my soul-mate, but it is too late for that, for a family for the things i would like to have in life.
Pamplemousse
Member
You're so classy, lol. I'm thinking I'd just stuff my face with sweets in my final days. I have a gnarly sweet tooth.
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