I've been grappling with the issue of depression, and social anxiety pretty much all my life. Since as long as I can remember I used to be in constant state of depression, swirling thoughts of committing suicide would constantly plague my mind, but most of all I just had an overwhelming feeling of being absolutely, and completely alone that seem to hang over me even during social interactions. Everything, changed about 2 years ago, I begun exercising, and my depressed state pretty much dissipated within a few weeks, I still have neurotic mind, but it's effects are not quite as potent as before.
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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
- Thread starter Bagels
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Just knowing I'll have the life ie awlays wanted makes me want to die even more. Looking at attractive gay dudes on youtube who are not only much younger than me but fit and better looking makes me realized how horrible i must have looked in high school, college and now. if i can have one wish even my birthday wish it would to pass away in my sleep. i have no one and no one wants me.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Pretty sure I'm having a midlife crisis and my therapist is out on maternity until who knows when. I could really use some support. I've easily charged over $6k in music equipment in the last week (plus I found my Rockband guitar). I've never been a musician, I can't play and I couldn't even figure out that damned recorder instrument in high school. What the hell am I going to do when the bill comes? I have people interested in my house - I'm really fortunate there. Just need to fix a few things and I can move anywhere in the world with all this sound equipment...
Edit: That's all I'm getting for ads now. Thanks for the triggers, Gaf!
Edit: That's all I'm getting for ads now. Thanks for the triggers, Gaf!
Astral Dog
Member
Glad to see a positive update now and then.happy to see you improved that much.
Nope. Never have been and I don't see it happening for a long time, if at all. I've made a lot of improvements in my life over the last year, most notably going back to school, but I'm busy as hell now and there are virtually no women in my program. It's just really difficult to imagine that I'll start dating and find myself in a relationship for the first time any time soon.
melonrabbit
Member
I'm unlovable.
Recently, I've been doing better but I still feel this pull to self-destruct everything I've worked for. I feel so meaninglessness and unimportant.
I worry I'm going to completely breakdown soon.
Never been and never have. And at this point probably never will. I hate my life
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
I know it's frustrating that you cannot convince people that someone else (like yourself) knows something they do not, but with time they might come around anyway. This is not dependent on whether or not one has a degree.
Plenty of climate scientists are getting really tired of having to deal with idiots too, doesn't mean they can give up.
Just curious but what was the subject and your degree? And wtf you shredded it? Hell I still have my fucking Art History diploma, tucked away somewhere.....
Teriyaki Blues
Member
Yes. But that's usually a good sign. Here's how I understand it: depression makes you hurt so much that you may have shut down feelings altogether, but you take antidepressants and suddenly the feelings switch is turned back on. Since your brain was already wired to favor negative emotions as the path of least resistance, that's what you feel first.
Hopefully you're using them in conjunction with some kind of therapy to rewire your brain to access the other emotions more easily. Good luck, and remember to talk to your therapist or call a hotline if suicidal impulses kick in or get worse.
I feel your pain man . I am pushing 30 and I never bloomed. It sucks because I look back and I have had chances to go on dates with cute girls but I always chickened out . The hedgehog dilemma is the bane of my existence.
I am not currently in one right now. I really don't know how I'd rate my chances of finding someone. I don't feel that I am unlovable or anything like that. It's mainly life circumstances holding me back from pursuing anyone. I may not be a looker but I am a freaking awesome person who is deserving of someone else's time and energy.
tearsofash
Member
I can't. I have a hard time even liking other people. That and I'm utterly traumatized by my past behaviour and am too scared to subject another person to that sort of stuff ever again. So I go it alone. It's probably better that way.
It's weird though, because I went on them for anxiety/derealization. I'm not actually being treated for depression. I dunno. It's strange.
Had a chance at one with a great girl I really liked. Spending time with her was the happiest I had been since I started dealing with my depression 10 years ago. I was so scared of making some stupid mistake and ruining it that it made me hesitant and second-guess everything I did
...which ended up ruining it anyway.
She was better off without me, but I feel like this is going to haunt me for awhile especially if I do end up alone later in life and look back on it as my one chance at happiness.
i'm done. i'm fed up with this fucking world. got constantly bitched by nearly every manager about the dress code at work today because my clothes were in the wash. my friend is going to die without ever getting the proper help he needed for his illness and depression, yet i'm expected to be concerned about corporate appearances
I am sorry to hear about your friend. Places of work sure can be real sticklers about dress code and it is annoying really. Try and brush it off and move on and focus on what matters most to you.
Megalosaro
Banned
Asian Studies. I work in International Logistics.
The subject was on Cambodian demographics, which I did studied quite of bit of and volunteered in the community substantially.
I was arguing with a person who dated a Cambodian American girl and he was saying people who aren't khmer aren't really Cambodian. He then cited his gf and said I was arguing as someone who didn't really have validity.
half a moon
Banned
I'm pretty sure my family hates me and never wants to see me again, but they act nice and wont say it to my face. What I don't understand is why they let me live at home for so long. Normally you quick someone out on their ass. They've even paid my bills in-between rocky employment. Even my iphone bill.
i was
and now i'm here!
can't see myself in one ever again. have zero desire to start another one.
What makes you think they hate you?
I can relate to this so damn much. I had the perfect woman for me and I was afraid of messing up, and by being so insecure, I ended up doing just that. Self fulfilling prophecy...
Sectorseven
Member
Does anyone have some recovery success stories they can share?
Not sure really a successful recover as it's still ongoing. Went from becoming a hermit in 2011 with all kinds of mental issues to getting help with my issues. 5 months on medicine and therapy readied me to find a job and rejoin the world earlier this year. Had a set back when I lost my insurance for 4 months I found a therapist but still can't find a psychiatrist sadly. No idea were I am currently headed really kind of in a holding pattern ATM.
Hey_Blinkin
Member
I'm not and it's haunting me. I'm in my mid 30s and I've never really had a girlfriend and have no dating experience. Now I can't even enjoy the things I used to enjoy because the thought of ending up alone is constantly nagging me. It's like this countdown clock is staring me in the face and every second I'm getting older and even less attractive, and the odds of finding someone are getting smaller and smaller. I feel like 95% of my thoughts are in some way related to finding a partner.
i have issues and I've accepted that. And I'm not naive enough to believe that even a perfect relationship with my perfect idea of a partner will fix that. I just see all these happy people with other happy people and I just want that, at least once in my life. I want someone to look at me the way they look at each other. I'm very socially awkward and i have that look that ever woman knows. The one where they can tell just how sad and desperate I am. I can't even keep eye contact for more than a few seconds. It seems like the type of thing that can only be solved by dating and getting more comfortable. It's a catch 22.
I signed up for a couple dating sites a few months back but have only worked up the courage to send one message and of course she didn't respond. Not that I blame her. I actually made a point to let her know just how unremarkable my life is so that her expectations would be low starting out. And yes I now realize just how dumb that is on what is basically a site advertising yourself to others.
In 15 years of dealing with depression I've never felt as hopeless as i do now. But this feels different. My main symptom of depression always seemed like apathy. Just feeling "bleh". No goals or real hobbies. Just day after day of the same. This almost feels like the opposite. I have this goal of finding a partner but the self loathing and rock-bottom self esteem is keeping me from even putting myself out there.
I know I should see finally see a therapist but I have no health insurance and there's no way I can afford what they charge. I've actually considered getting a credit card and just putting the sessions on that. But that could lead to a financial problems down the road.
Sorry for the long depressing post. I have no one in real life to talk to about these things and it just feels good to type these things out on occasion.
half a moon
Banned
They found out about skeletons in my closet.
It's my birthday today. Going to relax with some pizza and check out Designated Survivor. Would (attempt to) do something with my friends, but everyone's away at school or working.
Although I'm not the poster who asked, reading this has made me feel better. I've basically been a hermit since 2012, but knowing that someone else has a similar experience and is still able to rejoin the world years later makes me feel a lot more optimistic of my situation.
Although I'm not the poster who asked, reading this has made me feel better. I've basically been a hermit since 2012, but knowing that someone else has a similar experience and is still able to rejoin the world years later makes me feel a lot more optimistic of my situation.
Obviously the job isn't guaranteed, but a list of REALLY cool things that have recently happened:
- Transferred University successfully, got my funding for 2 years
- Likely to visit Japan on Christmas
- Quit Destiny *(side effect of having my Xbone stolen)
- Close to releasing my multiplatform mobile game (in TestFlight atm)
- Feel good after a job interview possibly the best restaurant job for a 4 Square Miles (since I'm next to the water lmao)
- Best friends with a kitty that came with my nieces moving in
So obviously I may end up having to move very soon, and managing my travel down to UoS from where I stay will take some getting used to (have to book in advance daily for the best deals), but I'm pumped. I'm taking on the same amount of stuff I had before when I was at breaking point, but I see the world differently.
It's like... I was reborn, lol
Also ~ they wouldn't read GAF, but <3 to my counsellors for what they did. Best part of that trash Uni.
- Transferred University successfully, got my funding for 2 years
- Likely to visit Japan on Christmas
- Quit Destiny *(side effect of having my Xbone stolen)
- Close to releasing my multiplatform mobile game (in TestFlight atm)
- Feel good after a job interview possibly the best restaurant job for a 4 Square Miles (since I'm next to the water lmao)
- Best friends with a kitty that came with my nieces moving in
So obviously I may end up having to move very soon, and managing my travel down to UoS from where I stay will take some getting used to (have to book in advance daily for the best deals), but I'm pumped. I'm taking on the same amount of stuff I had before when I was at breaking point, but I see the world differently.
It's like... I was reborn, lol
Also ~ they wouldn't read GAF, but <3 to my counsellors for what they did. Best part of that trash Uni.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Found a hobby. Trying to file Paypal claims to get some of this money back; aslo, music. The midi keyboard I plan to keep. After one half hour lesson and then a day practicing myself, I can now kinda play "Rain" from Shenmue. Picking songs that give you the feels though... I definitely got a fair amount of tears on my keyboard. But I feel a bit better about myself doing something. Nothing will ever come of this so my mom ghost's is nagging me in my head telling me to stop. Any easy game related musical pieces ya'll would recommend?
Edit: That feeling of hopefulness? Aaaaand it's gone. That was short-lived. Maybe I'll feel hopeful again tomorrow.
Edit: That feeling of hopefulness? Aaaaand it's gone. That was short-lived. Maybe I'll feel hopeful again tomorrow.
I am glad it's given you hope. You just have to slowly change it up. It took me like 6 months of very short trips out of the house to like the store and back to build up the nerve to see a therapist and psychiatrist and after 5-6 months of that I got the nerve to apply for a job. Next step is to get a license start driving and get financially sound.
Found a hobby. Trying to file Paypal claims to get some of this money back; aslo, music. The midi keyboard I plan to keep. After one half hour lesson and then a day practicing myself, I can now kinda play "Rain" from Shenmue. Picking songs that give you the feels though... I definitely got a fair amount of tears on my keyboard. But I feel a bit better about myself doing something. Nothing will ever come of this so my mom ghost's is nagging me in my head telling me to stop. Any easy game related musical pieces ya'll would recommend?
Edit: That feeling of hopefulness? Aaaaand it's gone. That was short-lived. Maybe I'll feel hopeful again tomorrow.
Yeah my hopeful times where I am very highly driven lasted some time lately but now it's gone. You just have to hope it last long enough and you ride the wave and get as much stuff done in that time.
I hate my life. Watching catfish the tv show made me realize it's hopeless for me. The dude on the show was using another guy's photo because he received more replies than using his own. Pretty much my life. Looking in the mirror at the gym made me realize no amount of working out or weightloss will help me. No one wants a dude like me. I lost in the genetic game of life. The only way I can be attractive is to die and become an entirely different person. I could spend decades of a lonely life trying to "improve" myself when people much younger than I with far more issues can find dates so easily due to how they look. I don't know why I am wasting my life trying to improve on a crap life when death is so much easier better and I don't have to feel and know I'm the fattest and ugliest person in the room.
The one thing I like about communities like this is it reminds me that I'm not alone in having these thoughts and feelings. And while that doesn't make them any less upsetting, or less miserable, it certainly makes me feel less alone. Even if I don't know any of you, knowing others suffer through the same issues I do on a daily basis helps me feel less alone.
Been discussing ECT with my doctor that I've been seeing for a long time as many other treatments and medications and therapies have not helped, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to struggle each day before giving up. Already did rTMS (not the sham treatment) as part of a study which had little to no effect. Vagus nerve stimulation requires a study here as well, none of which are currently not being done anywhere near where I am. Wondering if anyone has any personal experience with modern ECT treatments that they would be willing to share?
Not currently, but been in a couple long term relationships that I usually end because I don't want to pull them down with my sinking ship so to speak. Which I always realize after isn't a decision I should be making for them. But it's easier to preemptively end it than worry that my mental health problems are the reason they ended things with me, as that's not something I can easily change, and would just make me judge myself even more for my mental health problems.
Been discussing ECT with my doctor that I've been seeing for a long time as many other treatments and medications and therapies have not helped, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to struggle each day before giving up. Already did rTMS (not the sham treatment) as part of a study which had little to no effect. Vagus nerve stimulation requires a study here as well, none of which are currently not being done anywhere near where I am. Wondering if anyone has any personal experience with modern ECT treatments that they would be willing to share?
Not currently, but been in a couple long term relationships that I usually end because I don't want to pull them down with my sinking ship so to speak. Which I always realize after isn't a decision I should be making for them. But it's easier to preemptively end it than worry that my mental health problems are the reason they ended things with me, as that's not something I can easily change, and would just make me judge myself even more for my mental health problems.
Astral Dog
Member
dont give up Blinkin im sure you can find someone to be with you and care but first we need to take care of ourselves and spoil us a little so that self esteem grows,as harsh as that sounds, also you can talk whatever you want here this is the best place to vent when we need to.
im very sorry to hear that,bitching about a dress code when you are in that state and your friend is suffering is very low, i hope someday you can change your job to a place you feel truly comfortable.
nope and probably never will, why do you ask?
remember those young people with lots of issues you are talking about might have partners or sex but they are not happy, nor their youth will last forever, we all come here to find a bit peace and happiness one way or another despite this strange world, try to fill your own life with happy meaningful little moments
its that bad?
you might find something wonderful yetHappy Birthday!!!
��
Was talking with my supervisor on Facebook just a bit ago. Mainly wanted to give him my number and get his if I ever needed to call in. We got to talking about games then out of nowhere he says that I've been keeping our team together at work. Then went on to say when more positions for senior agents (agents that help other agents) her was going to recommend me for the position. I kind of wanted to cry hearing something like that. I don't think I've been complimented and affirmed that I am good at something in like ever. I feel so overjoyed!
Anyone else notice any depression or anxiety occurring regularly at certain times of the day?
Lately I've been noticing mine when I wake up, and depending how the rest of the day goes it will either dissipate or remain the same.
I think it might be tied to my lack of energy when I first wake up due to my insomnia. After I'm up for awhile and have eaten, it seems to improve things.
Lately I've been noticing mine when I wake up, and depending how the rest of the day goes it will either dissipate or remain the same.
I think it might be tied to my lack of energy when I first wake up due to my insomnia. After I'm up for awhile and have eaten, it seems to improve things.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
I've noticed that if I don't already wake up wanting to cry, it tends to kick in after the sun goes down. Even if I keep as many lights on as possible and try to keep myself occupied, I become extremely vulnerable to myself as my body winds down for the day. I'm sure there's some other factors at work there, like having less options to distract myself in vain as everyone else heads to bed.
Puck Beaverton
Banned
Welp my depression is kicking back in
I'm sure it doesn't help I haven't been taking my pills for a couple days. Not intentionally so, but since I'm living out of a suitcase right now digging through all of the shit I packed to get my pills is too much of a hassle for me right now.
I'm sure it doesn't help I haven't been taking my pills for a couple days. Not intentionally so, but since I'm living out of a suitcase right now digging through all of the shit I packed to get my pills is too much of a hassle for me right now.
Not to sound rude but that is such a BS answer. Those little moments are not going to fill any void of loneliness. I cannot cuddle those happy meaningful moments. Even if those young people relationships dont last, least they get to experience their first love, their first kiss, their first break up, their first time they fell in love. I never got to experience that and as i get older i see how much of a waste my life turned out to be.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Fuck me sideways.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
.
Sectorseven
Member
I think they're CBT therapists, or at least one of them is. I can see where they're coming from with a lot of their views. They're not against treatment, but they think the approach is often wrong and largely due to financial exploitation. For example, they believe it's not really in the mental health industry's interest to have people recovery as quickly as possible because they would churn through patients too fast and the business would become unsustainable. There isn't really a shortage of practitioners and that's why the number of disorders keeps broadening as well as their "normal" duration, among other things.
I just wanted to vent a little, please feel free to ignore this post.
My life right now:
Husbands kinda a dick sometimes, but I deal with it.
I have a serious autoimmune disease
I have PTSD due to tramua that came roaring back as an adult due to the stress of said autoimmune disease
I am moving cross country due to husbands job.
Husband already left, so I have to pack our entire house. With three kids. By myself.
I found out yesterday that our new insurance sucks. One of the medicines I need to live will now cost a copay of almost 2000 dollars a month.
And today, after having some serious hip pain for a month and getting an xray, found out that my joint, bone, and cartilage are all degenerating and I might need to get my hip replaced.
I'm 34. I have young kids.
Needless to say, my anxiety levels are through the fucking roof.
Sorry for whining. Love to you all.
My life right now:
Husbands kinda a dick sometimes, but I deal with it.
I have a serious autoimmune disease
I have PTSD due to tramua that came roaring back as an adult due to the stress of said autoimmune disease
I am moving cross country due to husbands job.
Husband already left, so I have to pack our entire house. With three kids. By myself.
I found out yesterday that our new insurance sucks. One of the medicines I need to live will now cost a copay of almost 2000 dollars a month.
And today, after having some serious hip pain for a month and getting an xray, found out that my joint, bone, and cartilage are all degenerating and I might need to get my hip replaced.
I'm 34. I have young kids.
Needless to say, my anxiety levels are through the fucking roof.
Sorry for whining. Love to you all.
User 479360
Banned
This rut seems inescapable. If it's not one thing bothering the Hell out of me, it's another.
Yesterday: Dust
Today: Internet issues (will they ever be fixed?) and boredom.
The latter is a common thread, though. My pills aren't working.
Is it possible to be immune to anti-depressants?
All Lorazepam does is make me very tired and sleep for 3 hours.
Yesterday: Dust
Today: Internet issues (will they ever be fixed?) and boredom.
The latter is a common thread, though. My pills aren't working.
Is it possible to be immune to anti-depressants?
All Lorazepam does is make me very tired and sleep for 3 hours.
you are not whining. we all need to vent.
Vincent Alexander
Member
Damn. That is rough. But you aren't whining. When do you and the kids officially move to join him?
Had a really uncontrollably urge to cuddle with someone today. Doesn't help the guy who sits next to me at work is handsome and has a really awesome body or on the bus a really handsome Asian guy came on board and didnt sit next to me. I've noticed that lots of cute guys never sit next to me on the bus or train and sometimes plane. Man I hate how I look. I feel like a huge monster no one wants. I bet if I jumped in front on the subway tracks no one would save me. Why would god make me look like a monster but make me attracted to guys? I don't get it and I hate it. In my mind I want to randomly punch someone in the face to make them have a bad day and feel as bad as I do but in reality I would rather no one have a bad day or feel like I do so I rather just hurt myself.
Looking and feeling like a monster everyday isn't fair. I wish I could drown myself or die in some peaceful way.
Looking and feeling like a monster everyday isn't fair. I wish I could drown myself or die in some peaceful way.
I haven't seen photos of you or anything, but in my experience natural looks can largely be compensated for with cleanliness, a nice haircut, and clothes that suit you. Are you doing anything to improve the way you feel about yourself? Exercise can also be a huge confidence boost and confidence is a good 75% of how you come off to people.
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